cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[InaPanic]

When was the last spontaneous romantic thing YOU did for your husband? Why don't you do something tonight? Or plan something for the weekend?

 

You can get the excitement back, but it's not something that just comes back on its own. It takes the same kind of effort that it took years ago when you fell in love, the same kind of effort you put into your OM.

 

You spent hours IMing or chatting with your OM. When was the last time you said anything romantic to your H? When was the last time you called him at work and whispered something sexy in his ear, like how you couldn't wait til he came home so you could get him naked? Or that you were thinking about him and couldn't help masturbating?

 

When was the last time you greeted him at the door with a big movie-style kiss and butt squeeze? When was the last time you sent the kids to your mom's or a baby-sitter's or a friend's and spent time alone with your H, maybe with a bottle of wine and nice meal and music and conversation where you pay attention only to him and look into his eyes as you talk and laugh? Maybe followed by a shower together where you bathe each other and run your hands along his slickery skin and laugh some more, and end up ravishing HIM in bed?

 

You have to start the romance if you want it in your marriage. And once you get it started, you can explore your sexuality together - try new things, like communicating in bed and showing him what you like and what turns you on, and asking him what he'd like to try.

 

You can totally get the romance and sexual energy back, if you try and if you talk to your H about all the things you'd like to try.

 

That's why I keep telling you to get off that Prozac, because it's not helping you to kill your sex drive right now. You aren't making any effort to re-connect with your H.

 

norajane, my kids are a little older (almost 13 & 8) so we often go out to dinner or the movies together. Problem is we have no relatives around that can watch for overnights. I would love to go away for a weekend with him but it's impossible. I wouldn't feel comfortable with them at any friends house for that long.

the deadening of my sex drive has been awful. It amazes me how I feel nothing at all down there, nothing. It's numb. I'm not sure part of that doesn't have to do with more than the meds though, I don't know.

I do love my husband but I have to admit, when I look at him I don't get that urge to jump him & make love to him anymore. I would get horny but it was normally not something over him if that makes sense.

During the online part of the affair,when I thought I was dealing with everything ok, our sex life was probably at it's best. I'm sure this is a combination of many factors but two are I was losing weight & feeling better about myself & the conversations with OM stirred something up in me & made me feel more alive. I know that sounds cruel but it's true. During this time I bought some sexy 'thong' panties for H. He loved them! They were a hit. Even when I was out of town on my trip & OM was there I made a point to go into Victoria's Secret & bought 3 more pairs of thongs to surprise my H with when I got home. I've worn them & tried to be frisky with him but my heart is not in it.

Now I am afraid when I think of sex I think of guilt, OM, lies, etc.

As far as being affectionate, we are both very affectionate. We always hug & kiss each other hello & goodbye. He never leaves the house without giving me a goodbye kiss. We talk often during the day & I always get i love you's. He likes to sit close with arm around me & we hold hands. But to say I still look at him & feel that giddy inside excitement or that I get horny just thinking about him touching me. That hasn't happened in awhile. Is that normal after years of marriage?

[norajane]

norajane, my kids are a little older (almost 13 & 8) so we often go out to dinner or the movies together. Problem is we have no relatives around that can watch for overnights. I would love to go away for a weekend with him but it's impossible. I wouldn't feel comfortable with them at any friends house for that long.

the deadening of my sex drive has been awful. It amazes me how I feel nothing at all down there, nothing. It's numb. I'm not sure part of that doesn't have to do with more than the meds though, I don't know.

I do love my husband but I have to admit, when I look at him I don't get that urge to jump him & make love to him anymore. I would get horny but it was normally not something over him if that makes sense.

During the online part of the affair,when I thought I was dealing with everything ok, our sex life was probably at it's best. I'm sure this is a combination of many factors but two are I was losing weight & feeling better about myself & the conversations with OM stirred something up in me & made me feel more alive. I know that sounds cruel but it's true. During this time I bought some sexy 'thong' panties for H. He loved them! They were a hit. Even when I was out of town on my trip & OM was there I made a point to go into Victoria's Secret & bought 3 more pairs of thongs to surprise my H with when I got home. I've worn them & tried to be frisky with him but my heart is not in it.

Now I am afraid when I think of sex I think of guilt, OM, lies, etc.

As far as being affectionate, we are both very affectionate. We always hug & kiss each other hello & goodbye. He never leaves the house without giving me a goodbye kiss. We talk often during the day & I always get i love you's. He likes to sit close with arm around me & we hold hands. But to say I still look at him & feel that giddy inside excitement or that I get horny just thinking about him touching me. That hasn't happened in awhile. Is that normal after years of marriage?

 

An affectionate goodbye hug and kiss isn't the same as greeting him at the door and whispering, "I'm wearing that thong you like..." and giving him a passionate kiss. "I love you, dear" at the end of a phone call, isn't the same as "Hey babe, I was just thinking about you, naked...when are you coming home?"

 

YOU have to start this, just like you did with the thongs! It's one of those, fake it til you make it, things. The more sexy you are with him, the more sexy you will feel inside, and the more sexy he will feel with you, and it will build upon itself. The URGE does come back - take it from someone who knows. He's the same sexy guy he was when you fell in love with him and when you wanted to jump him. If you pay attention and open your eyes and BEHAVE as though he were that same sexy guy, he will BECOME that guy, both in practice and in your eyes.

 

As for the Prozac, go out onto some medical sites and forums and read about the sexual side effects, and you'll see that dead feeling isn't you - it's the drug.

[newbby]

i don't know why you are asking friends rather than medical professionals what to do with your dose. this is crazy IMO. you should explain every side effect to the doctors, they are powerful drugs. anyway, i will stop going on about it now.

[InaPanic]

i don't know why you are asking friends rather than medical professionals what to do with your dose. this is crazy IMO. you should explain every side effect to the doctors, they are powerful drugs. anyway, i will stop going on about it now.

 

newbby, you aren't going on at all. I appreciate the concern. Maybe i'm asking friends because I don't have a lot of faith in my dr. that prescribed them. The friends i've asked have been on this med for a long time & seem knowledgable in it, that's why I asked them. Originally, before I upped it, I did call the dr & got his approval, I would never up them on my own but I am considering lowering them on my own.

 

Basically no drug is going to take away the pain, only time will do that. I'm almost coming to the conclusion for me to heal I need to fess up & get it out of me. But is it worth the price to my husband for me to heal? I still think deep down inside most of us would rather go on being happy & oblivious than knowledgable & hurting like hell.

[newbby]

newbby, you aren't going on at all. I appreciate the concern. Maybe i'm asking friends because I don't have a lot of faith in my dr. that prescribed them. The friends i've asked have been on this med for a long time & seem knowledgable in it, that's why I asked them. Originally, before I upped it, I did call the dr & got his approval, I would never up them on my own but I am considering lowering them on my own.

cant you change your doc to one you can trust?

Basically no drug is going to take away the pain, only time will do that. I'm almost coming to the conclusion for me to heal I need to fess up & get it out of me. But is it worth the price to my husband for me to heal? I still think deep down inside most of us would rather go on being happy & oblivious than knowledgable & hurting like hell.

well it all depends doesnt it? if you think you wont heal without telling him, then for how long is he really going to be happy and oblivious? if you dont heal then sooner or later its either going to come out anyway or your depression and him not understanding what is going on with you will cause you to drift further apart. so if you think that telling him is neccessary for you to heal, then tell him. the trouble is that he will ask alot of questions, how could he not, and whilst you are still confused about your feelings for the om, it will be difficult for him to hear those answers. from all you have said your h sounds like a lovely guy, and i think he would stick with you, but i dont know whether it is best to get over the om first. the other thing is, that whilst you are keeping secrets from your h, you are not actually being close to him, therefore the om will always compare favourably to him, because of the closeness and comparitive honesty you were able to have with him.

what do you think?

[InaPanic]

I do think soon, very soon, I am going to have to decide either I am going to tell or I am not. I do think this is coming between us right now. I have quit 'acting' so to speak & he is seeing me emotional a lot right now. If I am not going to tell him I need to do everything I can to stop crying in front of him. Problem is, it's around him I feel very compelled to cry. I don't want to think this could fester inside of me & end up coming between us as the years go by. If that's the case, it needs to come out now rather than later.

I agree he will ask a lot of questions & right now he would not only hear a lot of details about the affair he doesn't want to hear but if I am going to be honest with him he may hear a lot about my feelings for the OM he doesn't want to hear. I would like to think I will get over this soon & then be able to say that I thought I was in love with him but no, I can see now I wasn't. I cannot honestly say that now, even though I feel like it probably wasn't, it sure as hell feels like love the way I am missing him. And I do not want to have to tell him that yes, I am still missing him. That's just cruel beyond all reason.

I don't like keeping a secret from my H at all. It's not something I ever did. We were always very close so I do see this as potentially something that could come between us if I don't get a grip on it. The area that I was most comfortable with OM over my H, & I hate to say this, would be sexually. Not so much in person as on the computer. Maybe because of the not face to face aspect of it I could be completely honest & open to him about what I liked & didn't like & about things I would like to try & he was too. Much more so than I feel comfortable with my H. That tears me up when I think about it.

[Tatara]

thanks again tatara, I appreciate the offer to PM but it's not an option for you I guess you have to 'join' the site to be able to do that. But thanks.

 

Oh shoot, I forgot to mention I'm a forum noob Not quite sure how to go about doing that. I registered my MSN info into my profile though if that helps?

 

You are getting a handful of great advice about your meds from friends, sites and here. But don't you think you are worth the money it might cost (if any) to go see the doctor? It seems that you are frantic to find an end for the pain *right now - this instant!* but its not working, and its making things worse. Please get yourself an appointment, or even go to a walk-in clinic. We all have the intention of helping with our advice, but in the end we don't know quite as much (even from expirience with meds) as a doctor will know. Not only about side effects, but about the inner workings of the body and drugs that affect it.

 

Sex is important, but its causing you alot of pain and confusion right now. Why don't you rent a movie for the night. You mentioned he likes holding your hand and putting his arm around you, I think a snuggle-up on the couch with a nice movie would be good for you and allow you to stop stressing about getting yourself to function sexually. You are all his now, there is no OM anymore. Lay next to him and feel that with him. If it hurts, let his embrace sooth you - not thoughts of the OM.

 

I'm not as expirienced as most of the posters here, I'm relating what I can to your situation. I hope my idea's aren't some major "faux-pas" in the love rekindling dictionary

[newbby]

The area that I was most comfortable with OM over my H, & I hate to say this, would be sexually. Not so much in person as on the computer. Maybe because of the not face to face aspect of it I could be completely honest & open to him about what I liked & didn't like & about things I would like to try & he was too. Much more so than I feel comfortable with my H. That tears me up when I think about it.

 

probably because you had nothing to lose with the om. well, why not make it a personal challenge to overcome? to be more like this with your h?

[Tatara]

it sure as hell feels like love the way I am missing him. And I do not want to have to tell him that yes, I am still missing him. That's just cruel beyond all reason.

 

I think you are missing the comfort rather then him. I went through a stage where I met and romanced a man online as well (though I never met him IRL) and when I couldn't hold it in anymore I told my husband. He was very hurt, but it occured to me at that point that I spent so much time crying and hurting *with* my husband that I never even thought about the OM, the OMs feelings... nothing. Poof! he was just gone. May be different since you two met, but I suspect the same thing will happen.

 

Not so much in person as on the computer. Maybe because of the not face to face aspect of it I could be completely honest & open to him about what I liked & didn't like & about things I would like to try & he was too. Much more so than I feel comfortable with my H. That tears me up when I think about it.

 

Pick any random Joe on the internet and you can be honest with them about anything and everything. You can feel a bond that isn't there just because of the level of honesty you can reach in mere conversation so imagine with sex?

 

I know whenever I typed out my little sexual idea's online I was always typing things that I have previously done with my husband. Perhaps idea's of the new and un-tried had been discussed and expirimented with but I've always ended up wanting to try them with my husband in the end (and we did try them, and he is great at everything he does sexually but I found out most of the stuff I fantasized about while typing weren't as great as I thought they would be.)

 

My husband and I have excellent communication, but I still found it easier to type to a stranger online then to talk to him. Why? because the stranger can walk away and think I'm an oddball and frankly it wouldn't effect my life in the end. My husband thinking down on me however would.

 

I felt for a while that I may have just used the onlineOM, even tho I did tell him I loved him - I felt like a bad person for being capable of so much pain. In the end, I admitted that I am attention starved - not a great trait. My husband forgave me, I forgave me. You'd be surprised how much harder it is to forgive yourself rather then acheive forgiveness from him. If you can get through it without telling him about it, you will know what I mean.

[Adora]

feeding my wife what she wanted to hear from me. Compliments, affectionate looks and stares....feeling wanted. Listening to her.

 

The best I can explain it is. My wife never wanted this to happen either....but the OM filled something i wasnt. The OM gave her compliments, told her she was beautiful, sexy, smart, intriueging. etc...

 

He told her what she wanted to her.....she became used to it...addicted to it...infactuated with it. She couldnt wait till next day at work to see him...to hear what he would say next.

 

It was like an addiction....the OM fed something she liked...and she could not stop it....becasue she was in FOG land thinking that this OM was the best person in the world and how could she ever live without him....

 

BUT after she told me the truth....she went thru the withdrawal of the OM....and as she looks back now....she cant help be pissed that she actually did this to me. She is angry with herself and OM.

 

She looks back and thinks how stupid she was for doing what she did....but at the time she was doing it....and she admits this too...."she was not thinking clearly because she was so obsessed with the OM"

 

Wow, reading this was like looking in a mirror of my past.. I had an EA (was online - no physical contact.. but pictures, phone calls, voice programs.. everything we could do aside from physical contact) and I was so attached to the OM for all the above things mentioned. The way he talked about me.. The things he said, I was an 'angel sent from above'.. Now, thinking back it makes me want to vomit..

 

I am with my fiance' now again (thank God he held threw and stood by myside.. because I would be lost without him).. and he still is hurt because of it, as am I. I still beat myself up left and right inside because I allowed this person to come into my life and have a part of me that was already taken. I allowed our relationship to fall and actually end for a few months because I was so torn and confused, I didn't know what to do.. I latched on even more to the OM because he had all the right words, made me feel like a Princess.. called me sweet nicknames all the time.. I was, in heaven (so I thought).

 

I actually ended my relationship with my fiance' because I was 'ever-so-happy' with some jerkface ( ) who was reading off halmark cards to me left and right. That is what bothers me the most, that I was that gullable and didn't see that hey, maybe this guy is just 'using' me...

 

Things in my life couldn't be any better tho atm. We (my fiance' and I) did get back together last October.. things weren't great before the break, but now.. they are so much better. And as strange as it is.. because of my EA, it opened my eyes to seeing what it was that first made me so head over heels for my fiance' , it was a lesson hard learned.

 

It took a while for me to get over the OM, because of all the things he'd said to me, how he treated me, the random text messages with small notes to make me smile through-out the day.. but then one day it finally hit me, square in the face.. WTF was I doing!? Then that saying kept going through my head.. "what appears to be too good to be true..." I think we all know that saying all to well. If it seems way out in the left field, well perhaps it is. I wish I had believed that at the time.. but we all learn from our mistakes.

 

InaPanic: You need to before you can resolve any emotional issues, and hopefully repair your marriage, see a different doctor and explain to them what is really going on in your head. Do not feed them a sugar-coated story about how something in your life is causing you to feel 'depressed'. Explain to them, exactly what the problem is so that they can better diagnose you. The last thing you need right now is to be taking something of which isn't helping, but disabling yourself from various functions where you need to be clear headed.

 

After reading through this entire thread, unless I have passed it somehow, I am curious as to what made you actually end your A with the OM? I skimmed back through, but we all can agree this thread is fairly long and easily something could be glanced over. I just want to better understand everything before I can make any assumptions, and/or attempt to help, if I can at all, with your situation.

 

I believe, and will live by this belief until the day I die (under all and any circumstances) that honesty IS the best policy. I feel you should, at some-time (the sooner the better), release everything that is inside of you, your distrust and infidelity - to your H. He does, as others have mentioned, deserve to know. He should NOT be left in the dark, and be cowering in a corner wondering what is going on inside of his wifes mind. I don't recall who it was that posted the idea of making up some lie as to why you are the way you are right now to thwart him off of you in the meantime ... that does not sit well with me. You should never cover a lie with another lie.. because eventually you will be so out of control with lies that he will never be able to trust you again.. you need to stop the lying asap and get with telling him the truth.

 

From my own personal experience, I really believe, as I think you said as well, you are mourning how the OM actually made you feel, and not the OM himself. It was the emotional attachment, the way he set you up above all other things existing.. you can get this back from your H, if you put forth the effort and clue your husband into what is actually missing in your marriage.

 

I hope that in the end everything comes back together for you.. I understand and know how things are/feel when life is like a jigsaw pizzle scattered across the floor.. but just make sure you pick up all the pieces and you and your H both can put it back together... it doesn't matter how long it will take, the picture in the end will be the same.

[whichwayisup]

I actually think when you tell him he won't be as surprised as you think... He's not stupid and seeing as you two have been married for a long time, he KNOWS you...Well enough to see that things are not going as they should be. His gut instinct could be telling him too but maybe he's been too afraid to say anything to you because you're so down.

 

He deserves to know. And hopefully you coming clean, telling him the truth no matter how awful it is for you - He'll give you a chance to make things right again.

[InaPanic]

 

You are all his now, there is no OM anymore. Lay next to him and feel that with him.

 

 

these two sentences really made an impact to me for some reason. When I read this I just stopped dead & thought about that & felt good. It felt GOOD. Now i'm crying because that felt good, lol, I am a mess aren't i.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Tatara

 

You are all his now, there is no OM anymore. Lay next to him and feel that with him.

 

Yes, the OM isn't "there" anymore, but he is still in her heart. She's grieving that loss still. Hopefully really soon the OM won't be a thought at all, he'll just be a past memory....

[Tatara]

these two sentences really made an impact to me for some reason. When I read this I just stopped dead & thought about that & felt good. It felt GOOD. Now i'm crying because that felt good, lol, I am a mess aren't i.

 

See? I knew you loved him.

[InaPanic]

First & foremost let me say thank you to everyone here who has posted on this thread for me. You cannot imagine how it helps me through the day to read some of these posts. Some of the advice is so good & I do appreciate every piece of it, even the ones that are harsh to me, I appreciate the fact you care enough to post.

 

Adora, ThumbingMyWay's post reflects me too. For two months I was being told hour after hour how in love he was with me & how he wanted to be the man in my life & he would treat me like a princess. I could go on & on but you all know. I still WANT to believe at the time he said this he meant it and was just sucked into it as much as I was. I couldn't wait to talk to him on the phone in the morning & I couldn't wait to IM him deep into the night. It was/is without a doubt an addiction to me. Even though most of the good talking from him had ended at least 2 to 3 weeks ago I was still in contact with him & still desperately craving the way it used to be.

No one may believe me but I do think that had he gone back to the way he was I would have ended it. I know that makes no sense but the two months he was chasing after me I always told him I can never imagine breaking up my family. But once he started holding back then I had that craving, that need for him to desire me like he used to. Then it snowballed into this obsession that I wouldn't give up on. But I do think if he'd come back, I would have stopped it. I could not keep up the two relationships once it turned sexual. Adora, be glad yours didn't get physical. This would be so much easier now had I not. It also makes me sick to think I ruined years of being faithful for someone who didn't truly love me. I have a hard time thinking that right now.

I wish I could say I ended it but I didn't. What happened was we were going downhill for weeks & it was obvious. But neither of us wanted to let go. After the umpteenth fight he suggested we take a break, not end it but break & see how we felt after that. I suggested we take it down to an email relationship & he liked that & said he'd still call occasionally. I felt good at first thinking I could slowly ween myself off this thing. But then the next day I didn't get an email & I was freaking out all day. So the next day I thought I cannot live like this & I sent him an email getting a lot off my chest & asking for NC, BUT the way I worded it was 'for awhile' Yeah, I shouldnt' have done that. So, I broke it after one day & PM'd him. We talked about the break, & I almost instantly started hating myself for making contact. So now this is day 3 with me making NC.

I absolutely believe I am mourning how he made me feel, because the odd part is, & I don't think i've ever mentioned this, I was not nearly as attracted to him in person as I was on the phone/internet/text. Not that he wasn't attractive but there were just things about him that I didn't like. His persona on the phone was much different, can't explain it. But both times I saw him I noticed it. I think I was more in 'love' with the phone person, the fantasy.

 

I also know I did use OM to a point & I know he felt used in a way. He knew hew was spicing up my sex life. Not a good way to spice up a married persons sex life but it absolutely did.

 

Tatara, I never thought I was attention starved, most married women I know envy me for my husband because he treats me so well. Example (I know this is long already but I feel like bragging on my H), a friend of mine was in a car wreck & hurt her back bad enough she had to have surgery. Her husband is a jerk. We were on the phone talking & she was struggling carrying a vacuume downstairs, I asked where her H was & she said sitting on the couch looking at her. At this almost exact moment, I was dusting furniture & my H came up to me, took the pledge & rag out of my hand & told me to sit down & talk because 'I was on my period & didn't need to be doing that right now' so he finished dusting. That's how sweet he is! I used to tell OM these stories all the time. Found out later they bothered him because he felt like he'd never live up to him in my head & I'd always be comparing them. Ya know, he's probably right. He wouldn't have lived up to what I'm used to & I would have regretted it very quickly.

 

whichwayisup, i also dont' think he'd be shocked. I've posted on here the couple of things he's said. I think he's entertained the idea but doesn't want to believe it's true. This is one reason why I am holding back because he has brought it up to me, & the responses I gave him, the way I answered should have led him to seriously question me, look me in the eye type of questions & answers. But he let it drop. That says to me he maybe would rather not know as long as he has me now....

what do you all think of that?

 

sorry this is so long, i swear to god , this is like therapy I can afford though, thanks again.

[Tatara]

First & foremost let me say thank you to everyone here who has posted on this thread for me.

 

I'd like to thank you too, your realistic grasp and ease to talk to has helped me too. I've always read but never responded to forums. Always afraid even under an alias to have my words twisted and my ideas mocked. You seemed alot more open and it made it alot easier for me to come out of my little shell of fear

 

Tatara, I never thought I was attention starved, most married women I know envy me for my husband because he treats me so well. Example (I know this is long already but I feel like bragging on my H), a friend of mine was in a car wreck & hurt her back bad enough she had to have surgery. Her husband is a jerk. We were on the phone talking & she was struggling carrying a vacuume downstairs, I asked where her H was & she said sitting on the couch looking at her. At this almost exact moment, I was dusting furniture & my H came up to me, took the pledge & rag out of my hand & told me to sit down & talk because 'I was on my period & didn't need to be doing that right now' so he finished dusting. That's how sweet he is! I used to tell OM these stories all the time. Found out later they bothered him because he felt like he'd never live up to him in my head & I'd always be comparing them. Ya know, he's probably right. He wouldn't have lived up to what I'm used to & I would have regretted it very quickly.

 

I love to hear you bragging about your husband! I can't beleive how sweet that is! My husband isn't the "candlelight dinner"s type of romantic, but they show it in other more realistic and wonderful ways (such as you described) don't they? In fact my husband said something just today that was amazing:

 

We don't really "do" special occassions (its just me, hubby and the dog - not much to do) Christmas, Halloween, Easter just pass by like normal days for us. He said that our anniversary was the only occassion that really meant anything to him. It was super sweet. Me, not knowing what date it was, didn't even realize it is 6 days away. Now I have to decide what we are doing for that day. What would you suggest if your husband asked?

 

I didn't mean to suggest you are attention starved, I mean I know that I am that way at times - unfortunately.

[InaPanic]

I'd like to thank you too, your realistic grasp and ease to talk to has helped me too. I've always read but never responded to forums. Always afraid even under an alias to have my words twisted and my ideas mocked. You seemed alot more open and it made it alot easier for me to come out of my little shell of fear

.

 

 

Thanks tatara, I have been painfully honest on here. I didn't want to hold anything back. I knew in my situation that I was opening myself up to be bashed around because of course people who have been cheated on are not going to look kindly on me. Overall I think everyone here has been pretty kind & tried to put themselves in my shoes (which NO ONE wants to be in right now). I'm glad you came out of your shell because you have helped me

 

Oh, I know you weren't suggesting I was attention starved but this has brought a lot about me to light. Most of it I don't like too much. I don't like me too much right now & my self-esteem is ka-put. I can try to work on that later, one thing at a time i suppose.

 

thanks for being a friend...oh, if you were the one that said your email was listed, it's not, i looked

[stargazer12]

The fear you have of telling your husband of your betrayal, is that he might really know what you are. Say what you want you were having sex with two men at the same time. He might drop you and the other man did you'd have nothing. I think that is what you deserve. Just, what if he did to you, what would you feel. You did think of him. Why would the other man want you, you'd cheat on him.

I hope all you cheaters get what you deserve.

[InaPanic]

The fear you have of telling your husband of your betrayal, is that he might really know what you are. Say what you want you were having sex with two men at the same time. He might drop you and the other man did you'd have nothing. I think that is what you deserve. Just, what if he did to you, what would you feel. You did think of him. Why would the other man want you, you'd cheat on him.

I hope all you cheaters get what you deserve.

 

 

wow, i'm not perfect stargazer & did make a mistake, a big one. There was a time when i felt like you, couldn't possibly understand how anyone could cheat on their spouse. I thought it was hideous too. I always said 'why wouldn't you just leave the marriage before you would do something like that'. And here I am. I turned into someone I never ever thought I could. And it happened much easier than I thought it would. So be careful being so judgemental. You probably never will cheat but I honestly, after 18 years, never thought I would either.

 

2long, I accept what anyone has to say to me, this last one was by far the most brutal, but I realize being here that is part of it. You have always just been helpful to me & I appreciate it very much. Was your wife still having the A when you found the emails or had it already ended?

 

Today my H was going to have breakfast with friends, i didn't realize this when he left to take daugther to school. I called his cell & asked if he was coming home & he told me no. I got sad & told him i would like to spend time with him. He came on home but was obviously not too happy to have to do it. It wasn't a positive experience. I kept tellign him just to go meet his friends but he didn't. So we just sat there silent on the couch with each other. I'm so afraid it can't be saved.

[norajane]

I got sad & told him i would like to spend time with him.

 

You've been saying that you'd like to spend more time with your husband. What is it that you have in mind for those times? Obviously, it's not sitting on the couch being silent, so what is the plan? What are your expectations? What do you want to do with him there?

[Kinger25]

Hello In a Panic:

 

You MUST tell your H about your A. Every marriage should be based on trust and honesty. These are the two main ingrediants of any relationship. You have already broken both of these by having this A. Your husband has a right to know what is going on. You cannot be so selfish as to think that he does not deserve to know. Remember there are people out there who would do anyhting to find that special someone to marry and a chance to prove that they are worthy of the marriage vows.

 

You REALLY need to take some time out and have a proper think about what you want out of life and what sort of person you really are. You need to work out whether you really love your H or whether this OM is the one for you.

 

If you do tell your H and you manage to save your marriage then you need to realise that he is always going to be naturally suspicious of you and it will take you a long time to re-build the trust that you have lost between eachother. If your marriage does breakdown as a result of this then although this will sound harsh, it is through no-one's fault but your own.

 

The fact of the matter is - lying is not an attractive attribute. Whether it's to your H or to the man on the check-out at Asda. Honesty is a much stronger trait to be in receipt of. I personally know that by telling my BF everything and being totally honest and open with him, not lying to him and trying to make sure that I always lay my cards on the table makes ME feel good. I've got no dirty secrets and nothing that he can catch me out on cause he knows everything already! Imagine That Inapanic - It makes life stress free and so much easier!!

 

Good Luck

[Guest]

I think that you are in a world of hurt and confusion right now. As Norajane asked, what is it that you expect the two of you to do when he does come home to spend the time with you? You must take the initiative - remember, your H does not know what is going on so he is probably feeling 'out of the loop' when you ask for 'alone' time. It must be very awkward for you to sit there thinking of everything while he is sitting there wondering what is really going on.

 

This is Adora btw, wasn't able to log in for some reason.. you were right tho, I am very glad that my EA never became physical. We had talked about meeting up on several occasions, but something inside of me told me not to, and for that I am thankful because I know it would have caused a lot more problems.

 

I spoke with my sister last night briefly about this situation, what she would do had it been her and her marriage.. oddly enough, her and I have different views - which I would have been certain she would have felt how I do that telling your H would be the way to go. But, what she said made a lot of sense, and now makes me question things as well. She says: Why burden the H with the pain of knowing and the details of the A if you know deep down inside that you want to salvage your marriage and never ever again cheat? Thing is.. right now if you tell the only thing that will come out of it is hurting him and he will always, even after he forgives hold it over your head and wonder deep down inside if you will ever do this again. You were the one who committed the act of adultery, you should have to live with the pain yourself and try to move on without hurting him any further in the process. You should have to live with the guilt, as punishment for what you have done.

 

I have to agree with that.. only because, I know some people want to tell because they feel this heavy guilt inside of them, and telling will help relieve that pain... but in essence, why should you be able to release that pain onto someone who had no part in the act... you chose to do this on your own, your H should not have to suffer.

 

Now, if you do choose to not tell him, you need to make sure it is for all the right reasons.. those being: You love him more than anything in this world and you want to make this marriage work. If you have any doubt whatsoever, then you need to make sure that you know exactly what it is that you want in life, with or without your H before you do anything.. be it tell, or keep it within yourself.

 

It is strange, because tbh, I am still really torn in which route you should take.. because as I said I think it would be best to tell.. but its a sticky situation, just the way my sister worded it had me question things.

 

I would however, as has been mentioned many times above.. try to seek out some sort of therapy and discuss everything with them.. If you can't find one locally affordable, perhaps (I don't know your religious beliefs so forgive me for suggesting otherwise) going to a church and speaking with a pastor?

 

I will say that in the end of my EA as well things started going downhill a bit too.. we both agree'd to take things slow and to see what happens in the future.. basically the fire burned out after a couple months, which seems to be the case with you as well. It was new, fresh, exciting.. but it didn't last and it wasn't and isn't worth breaking the foundation of something as pure as your family, of which you both invested 18 years of your lives creating together.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Inapanic...

 

 

time to come clean Hon....

 

 

you cant keep going like this....you are either go to do something rash....or your H is going to start wondering wtf is really wrong with you.

 

your brick wall is right around the corner...I can feel it coming....and so can you.

 

 

Tell him the truth.

 

You made a mistake....and you want to do whats right.

 

Dont go into details....YET

 

but tell him what you have done. And tell you WANT him and want to fix yourself and your marraige. Get into see a MC the both of you....and get rolling with making things right...

 

YOU CANT DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE....so dont bother wondering what will happen....just have faith that it will work out

[Tatara]

wow, i'm not perfect stargazer & did make a mistake, a big one. There was a time when i felt like you, couldn't possibly understand how anyone could cheat on their spouse. I thought it was hideous too. I always said 'why wouldn't you just leave the marriage before you would do something like that'. And here I am. I turned into someone I never ever thought I could. And it happened much easier than I thought it would. So be careful being so judgemental. You probably never will cheat but I honestly, after 18 years, never thought I would either.

 

Today my H was going to have breakfast with friends, i didn't realize this when he left to take daugther to school. I called his cell & asked if he was coming home & he told me no. I got sad & told him i would like to spend time with him. He came on home but was obviously not too happy to have to do it. It wasn't a positive experience. I kept tellign him just to go meet his friends but he didn't. So we just sat there silent on the couch with each other. I'm so afraid it can't be saved.

 

Maybe he is feeling a little strangled with your need for attention. Remember, since you are feeling so down and needy and he doesn't know why its not a priority to him right now. He may be listening that you need him but after 18 years of breakfast with the buddies not being a huge deal and all of a sudden you need him enough to ask him to give that time to you instead. Its probably not sending him signals, but at the same time he probably expects at this point in your life that you can wait for his affection - like you did when you had to take care of the kids when they were younger, or while he is at work. That make any sense?

 

I agree with Nora, there definately should be some sort of activity planned when you do need to take him away from other things to be with you - I understand that you probably didn't think about it because you just needed to see him. Unfortunately this negativity is going to toss you back a few steps instead of forward. IMO for yourself and for your husband you have to try to stay positive and try to keep situations positive. If he went out for breakfast for example, and you really want to see him but you know it would inconvinience him, the most loving thing you can do for him would be to allow him that time. I know it doesn't fill your void right now, but knowing he is happy will do that on its own over time as you start to get over this situation.

 

Right now you may be feeling like you need comfort, even though I am sure you feel unworthy of it as well. Instead of trying to take that comfort from him, have you tryed taking it from yourself? Knowing you gave up that need to see him and hold him just so he wouldn't be inconvinienced might make you feel like you are giving back to him a bit. Making him happy will provide a certain amount of comfort to you I am sure, and knowing that you are taking care of yourself might make you feel less guilty.

 

Brings me back to my statement a few posts back. When you are feeling terrible, obsessing and crying, change what you are doing at that time. If you are in the house, leave the house (I know when I used to be able to leave the house alone I always liked to get my hair cut, or go out to the local coffee shop to read and have a cup of the most... different.. item they have on the menu. I specifically remember loving White Hot Chocolate) You can also go to the public pool and take a swim - assuming you don't do that every day the change of pattern will feel nice. If you are really against leaving the house, try changing things in the house around a bit (I love the feeling of seeing my same old-same old furnature and such changed to look different, be more or less spacious, more or less bright)

 

Don't let this little incident kill your hope. In a couple of days you probably won't even remember it happened (as proof, try remembering negative tiny little moments like this from a few months back) what you can do is learn from it. I don't think what you did in asking him to come home was wrong of you. It shows how desperately you are needing though, the WORSE thing you can do right now is to think of how "OM would have done it and been happy to do it" - sure he would be, but back when your marriage was still fresh, your husband would have too. He is comfortable right now and just doesn't understand what is going on.

 

I'm not pressing the idea of telling him about the affair because I feel that if you do it will be because you want to. I really don't feel it is my place to give advice on do or do not tell. So please don't assume I am giving you the advice to hold it in etheir. I'm just impartial as it is a huge decision for you and you alone.

 

I would really like to be able to talk to you on MSN or through emails or even PM you through here, and I need an ear from time to time myself (I just can't bring myself to start a thread.) But you know I just can't figure this thing out If anyone browses through here and has a quick answer for me (do I have to have a certain amount of posts before I can do that?) It would be much appreciated.

[Tatara]

The fear you have of telling your husband of your betrayal, is that he might really know what you are. Say what you want you were having sex with two men at the same time. He might drop you and the other man did you'd have nothing. I think that is what you deserve. Just, what if he did to you, what would you feel. You did think of him. Why would the other man want you, you'd cheat on him.

I hope all you cheaters get what you deserve.

 

The worse part is, when I was unfaithful the only thing I wanted was to "get what I deserve". I begged to be able to let it all out, I felt like I should be beaten physically and emotionally I wanted my heart torn out. I wanted to feel the pain that I knew he would feel if I told him. But I felt like I was the one who deserved to suffer not him. Thats why I held it in for so long. And I did suffer.

 

My emotional pain makes me wish every day of my life that I was "blissfully ignorant" and didn't know things that I do know. I felt like telling him would make him feel this way.

 

Now that I told him I didn't get any of what I deserved, he forgave me and he still loves me, more then I love myself. I am still here reading about others pain so something tells me I still haven't forgiven myself. I wonder if I ever will.