cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Adora]

 

Oh yeah, you are. You are in withdrawal. Did you read my entire post before or only skim it, reading the parts you wanted to read?? I have BEEN you!

 

Secretly I think that you feel that if you left your H you could carry back on a long distance A with the OM.

 

I'm going to be straight with you-

 

Get a job- this will get you off the computer and keep you more away from OM.

 

Get marriage counseling- pronto

 

Be completely honest with your H- and admit to him the reasons why you had the affair.

 

No wonder you can't get over this- you have all day to sit around on the computer and BS with OM. You have all day to sit around and moon over him.

 

If I were your husband I'd rip that computer out of the wall and it would go to work with me to go to the dump.

 

I've got a MAJOR news flash for you- almost every single WW thinks that their marriage cannot be rebuilt or that they could NEVER feel the same about their H's ever again. They also think that staying with their H would be only for comfort and all that other BS you just said. The reason you feel that way is simple-

 

WITHDRAWAL

 

You've built this wall up that your H cannot get through and you're still in contact with OM- sitting there just trying to soak up any little bit that you can get of him. So, in a way- you are still in the affair- whether you want to admit it or not. Did you see The Wife's post??

 

You are like an addict right now- you'll do anything to get your fix. The only way to get past that is to go cold turkey. I think that you think if you stay in contact with OM- that he might miraculously change his mind and want to get back together. I think if you'll be honest with yourself you'll see that I'm right.

 

I'm trying to be completely straight with you as someone who has been through this and is on the other side of it. I feel that no matter what suggestions we make you shoot them down as that's not going to work.

 

I'm not ever going to tell you to leave your H. You apparently have a good man. You've not given us ONE reason to make us think otherwise. As I said before, you are not married to the jerk that I was- so how can you justify breaking up your marriage and leaving your H and your kids just to get a "high" from an affair??

 

Because I've got news for you- once the new wears off any relationship it's not going to be like you had with OM. Once you gotta wash his underwear with skid marks in it or worry over money it's not going to be the fantasy you've built up in your mind. It's a complete fantasy- and you're close to flushing your whole entire life down the toilet for that.

 

I'm not sure I can come to this thread anymore.

 

I agree with everything said here, 100%.

 

You are allowing this situation to go on and get worse.. you are not allowing any remedy to take place; you are still actively speaking with the OM, in essence you are still carrying on the A in some extent - maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally.

 

I am quite stunned that you allowed yourself to speak with the OM, even if only through IM's.. feeding him whats going on, you are enabling him, giving him something to ponder and perhaps use it against you down the line.

 

You need to seek counseling asap. No question about that. Seek the guidance your family needs NOW! Stop contacting the OM now if any part of you wants to work on your marriage.

[InaPanic]

I cannot at this moment tell my husband i am still thinking of OM. Mainly because it will hurt him & because it's not nearly as bad as it was even a week ago. Yes i still think of him but it's not obsessive like it used to be. I am coming to the realization it's over. Sometimes I am slow to come to things I guess. And the fact he tried to drag it out as a 'friendship' & I actually considered it only drug it out more. I am NOT initiating contact with him but I am being honest, the two times he IM'd me 3 days ago I should have ignored or blocked it but I didn't. For one thing I had some things I wanted to set straight & get answers from him. I know that sounds like an excuse but I did. I know that the longer i go without talking (IM'ing) him the easier this will be & I will be able to focus on my H 100%. So I am thinking of him as a bad drug I have to avoid.

 

TheWife, i still do not know why i had the affair. I have no definite reason for doing it. My husband is not a jerk, he did show me affection, he was loving & compassionate to me & he treated me better than any other man ever could. So i have no ideas except that maybe i am a different person than i was when i was 19 & we got together. Maybe my love for him is more on a friendship/fatherly level than that of a husband/lover. Or maybe i am just self centered & got caught up in the excitement of it all, damn the consequenses. I don't like to think about either of those. I do think i have low self esteem from years & years of being very overweight. I just recently lost 80 pounds & maybe that has something to do with it.

 

Mz. Pixie, i have read all of your posts & not skipped a word, i have not skimmed to the parts i want to read. I realize you are trying only to help me as you have 'been there, done that'. But you are coming across a tad preachy & I don't mean that rudely. Think back to when you were going thru this, it isn't always easy to do what you know you NEED to do, or what everyone is telling you to do. In the end we all have free will & we all are going to do what we do. Advice is wonderful & that is why i come here, to get advice & to be able to vent. I'm sorry if this thread brings back painful memories for you. I do have a job of sorts, I do ebay on an almost professional level, it's hours a day every day. We cannot afford for me to quit this, especially now as i have to make $$ for therapy. I am ebaying even more than usual to try to make extra $$. So getting rid of the computer is also not an option. I also realize that I DO have a good man, i've never said he wasn't. And i do realize that if i get into any other relationship that the newness will wear off. I am just not thinking 100% clearly yet but I do at least realize this. I am under no illusion that the OM & I are going to run off & live happily ever after. Though I admit I do still have some feelings I am seeing him more for what he is & what he was & he is not someone i would want to have as a spouse.

 

Today I am calling a therapist. My husband is still not willing to go to MC but as i said i think that would change.

 

He asked me yesterday if we could go on a 'date' this weekend. I think that's a wonderful idea. I hate to just do dinner & a movie which is something we used to do all the time. Any ideas of something better? Keep in mind i live in a small town. He really seems to be trying so hard & i have told him how much i appreciate it. He is a wonderful man & I know that i could never find anyone who would treat me like he does. But I want to get to feeling the love again, the desire. He deserves that, he deserves someone who can love him as much as he loves.

[Mz. Pixie]

I

Mz. Pixie, i have read all of your posts & not skipped a word, i have not skimmed to the parts i want to read. I realize you are trying only to help me as you have 'been there, done that'. But you are coming across a tad preachy & I don't mean that rudely. Think back to when you were going thru this, it isn't always easy to do what you know you NEED to do, or what everyone is telling you to do. In the end we all have free will & we all are going to do what we do. Advice is wonderful & that is why i come here, to get advice & to be able to vent. I'm sorry if this thread brings back painful memories for you. I do have a job of sorts, I do ebay on an almost professional level, it's hours a day every day. We cannot afford for me to quit this, especially now as i have to make $$ for therapy. I am ebaying even more than usual to try to make extra $$. So getting rid of the computer is also not an option. I also realize that I DO have a good man, i've never said he wasn't. And i do realize that if i get into any other relationship that the newness will wear off. I am just not thinking 100% clearly yet but I do at least realize this. I am under no illusion that the OM & I are going to run off & live happily ever after. Though I admit I do still have some feelings I am seeing him more for what he is & what he was & he is not someone i would want to have as a spouse.

 

 

Preachy?? That's certainly the first time I've heard that.

 

This thread is not bringing back bad memories for me- at all. I'm involved in a happy marriage so I really have no need to come here at all- except to give advice to those who are going through what I've been through. You won't see many posts from me on this forum saying anything negative about my H. My exh may be a different story.

 

You're right- at the time of the affair I wasn't thinking clearly. Which is why I'm here telling you that in time you will think clearly. And when you do, it's going to be a bitch for you. You'll be lucky if you can live with the guilt. You think it's bad now??? It's only going to get worse.

 

You've said very little about your children and what you think the impact will be on them.

 

What kind of answers could you have possibly needed from him?? In a case like this- you don't need any answers. The affair needs to be over- that is your closure. I do not understand when people say that they need closure- the fact that the person leaves you and doesn't care about your feelings is enough closure for me.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have a job. But being how it's on the computer I think the best thing would be to install a keylogger on the computer to keep you accountable to your H for your actions. To be honest, at this point, you're acting like he needs to win YOU back- not like YOU need to be the one making ammends right now. It should be YOUR idea to put the keylogger on because obviously your H is clueless. Of course he IS still clueless because you're not being totally honest with him. Either he's clueless or he's gathering information. He could already have a keylogger on your computer for all we know and he could be tracking the conversations between you and OM. Gathering evidence.

 

I think you're not because you know that being totally honest with him would truly end the affair. NOT telling him how you're feeling sick over OM is not radical honesty. Even if it hurts him, he can't know how to fix it if he doesn't know it's broken.

 

This is usually what cheaters do. They throw out part of their actions- which alievates their guilt a bit- then they slowly begin to come out with more information- as the BS questions them. That angers the BS because they are furious they didn't get all the details to begin with. It only makes it worse.

 

You're not giving him the chance to save the marriage and fill your love bank. Because you're still in contact with OM. Every authority that there is on affairs says that NC is essential to recovery. That there can be no recovery without it.

 

As Ladyjane said you have a small window of time from which to work with here. If I were you I'd try to make the best of it, at least for the sake of your children. They are at least worth cutting contact with OM.

[Ladyjane14]

You're right- at the time of the affair I wasn't thinking clearly. Which is why I'm here telling you that in time you will think clearly. And when you do, it's going to be a bitch for you. You'll be lucky if you can live with the guilt. You think it's bad now??? It's only going to get worse.

 

You've said very little about your children and what you think the impact will be on them.

 

What kind of answers could you have possibly needed from him?? In a case like this- you don't need any answers. The affair needs to be over- that is your closure. I do not understand when people say that they need closure- the fact that the person leaves you and doesn't care about your feelings is enough closure for me.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have a job. But being how it's on the computer I think the best thing would be to install a keylogger on the computer to keep you accountable to your H for your actions. To be honest, at this point, you're acting like he needs to win YOU back- not like YOU need to be the one making ammends right now. It should be YOUR idea to put the keylogger on because obviously your H is clueless. Of course he IS still clueless because you're not being totally honest with him. Either he's clueless or he's gathering information. He could already have a keylogger on your computer for all we know and he could be tracking the conversations between you and OM. Gathering evidence.

 

I think you're not because you know that being totally honest with him would truly end the affair. NOT telling him how you're feeling sick over OM is not radical honesty. Even if it hurts him, he can't know how to fix it if he doesn't know it's broken.

 

This is usually what cheaters do. They throw out part of their actions- which alievates their guilt a bit- then they slowly begin to come out with more information- as the BS questions them. That angers the BS because they are furious they didn't get all the details to begin with. It only makes it worse.

 

You're not giving him the chance to save the marriage and fill your love bank. Because you're still in contact with OM. Every authority that there is on affairs says that NC is essential to recovery. That there can be no recovery without it.

 

As Ladyjane said you have a small window of time from which to work with here. If I were you I'd try to make the best of it, at least for the sake of your children. They are at least worth cutting contact with OM.

 

MzPixie is right. She's been in a similar position as you, so she knows. You REALLY aren't going to feel this way later on down the pike. You're going to get better. You're going to get clearer. And the MAIN THING to concentrate on right now is not making any more mistakes that you can't take back.

 

You know, it's the EXCITEMENT of the OM that causes the addiction. It's got nothing much really to do with who he is as an individual. It's your biochemical REACTION that makes you feel like you need the contact. That means... the urge to contact comes from YOU. It's you being infatuated with something you've made real in your own mind.

 

When you really understand that you're dealing with a fantasy of your own making... you can take control of it if you so choose. You can then realign your priorities and eventually recognize the infatuation as something that's powerless over you. You can see it as based in fantasy and that it doesn't support your truest goals.

 

'Closure' comes from within. It comes from making a decision and then sticking with it. Those that feel the need for 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' are sometimes CONSUMED by the need for closure. It's nothing more than a stray hope that somehow your affair can be resumed. Your longing for "closure" tells us that you're still not through with your affair regardless of what even YOU might otherwise believe.

 

I'm telling you that you MUST let go of the subconscious desire to continue the affair if you want to save your marriage. These two thoughts are not in any way compatible, no more than the earlier idea of keeping two men in your life was compatible with reality. In order to hold onto one... you must FULLY let go of the other.

 

There's only ONE REASON that my husband and I are still together after the crisis in our marriage. It's because when he said, "I'll do ANYTHING to it save it".... he meant his words and he followed through with action.

 

As I said to you early, you are now accountable for EVERY contact that you have with OM. After you've witnessed your husband's tears and his pain, he can only assume deliberation on your part. There are no more excuses.

 

I'm sorry to point this out and hope you don't take it the wrong way... but you will end up having your choices made for you if you don't apply yourself and right quickly. The window of opportunity slams shut with a snap. More often than not, even the BS himself doesn't see it coming. One day, he's full of hope for recovery of the marriage. Next day, he can't wait to be single again. It happens just that fast.

[InaPanic]

Mz Pixie & Ladyjane, thank you for your comments.

 

I do hold onto the hope that i will start thinking clearly & soon, that I will feel like I used to feel & soon. But I keep thinking in my head 'you can't go back' & i feel like i am a broken person now, that the person i was will never be again. I know I am over analyzing every feeling i am having & that right now the best thing for me to do would be to just try to relax &, i don't know, go with the flow a little.

 

I have to be honest with you all, I do not want to continue the affair with OM. At least i don't think i do, who knows what subconsiously I'm thinking. But I do know there is a desire in me to hurt him as I feel I've been hurt. That there is a part of me that wants him to know that I am happy & working things out with my H (whether i am or not) & for him to feel sad & hurt. I know & I can admit this is petty & unhealthy. I try not to even entertain the idea but i know that thought is there, in the back of my head & probably the reason when he IM's I respond so I can look happy & not sad. I felt so pathetic towards the end of the A because i was out of it in my head & chasing after him. I hate the thought that could be his last memory of me, pining away for him. I don't want him to have that ego-gloating image. I know I need him out of my life completely, I know this and I'm not contacting him but i haven't done what i should when he contacts me. OK, is this normal or what? Tell me I will let go of this thought soon.

 

Last night H & I went to the mall, went to a movie & had a quick dinner at the mall. It was nice. He was acting very normal. Not overly loving and not cold. Just the way he used to be. We talked very calmly on the way home about some things. I am shocked we are able to do that so soon.

 

I don't want to make any decisions I will regret. Hell, i've already done that by having the affair. I don't want to rush into thinking i have to make drastic life changes but right now my head is still in 'panic' mode most of the time.

 

Maybe it seems like i don't mention my kids much.....i guess i don't. Maybe it's because right now they are not affected by this too much. They were affected by having a mom that fell apart after the A but they don't know anything. My H even said to me the other night that if this ends in D that he would never try to take the kids from me or use this against me, that I could have the house & we'd do split custody. But i am not so out of it that i don't realize even the BEST D would traumatize them in some way. They love us both & having to split their time between us would hurt them a lot. So I do realize this but I am trying to not dwell on the D thought too much.

[norajane]

Mz Pixie & Ladyjane, thank you for your comments.

 

I do hold onto the hope that i will start thinking clearly & soon, that I will feel like I used to feel & soon. But I keep thinking in my head 'you can't go back' & i feel like i am a broken person now, that the person i was will never be again. I know I am over analyzing every feeling i am having & that right now the best thing for me to do would be to just try to relax &, i don't know, go with the flow a little.

 

You are right in thinking you can't go back, and that you'll never be the person you used to be. However, you can certainly become a better person than that. You can put more of yourself and your imagination into your marriage so that it becomes even stronger than before. You can start talking to your husband about your hopes and dreams for your marriage and your life, and you can set some goals together, and you can work on making your hopes and dreams happen.

 

I don't know about this go with the flow thing. You have an obligation to change the flow, since the flow is what led you to your affair, isn't it? And just going with the flow is why you're still sometimes in contact with your OM, isn't it?

 

I have to be honest with you all, I do not want to continue the affair with OM. At least i don't think i do, who knows what subconsiously I'm thinking. But I do know there is a desire in me to hurt him as I feel I've been hurt. That there is a part of me that wants him to know that I am happy & working things out with my H (whether i am or not) & for him to feel sad & hurt. I know & I can admit this is petty & unhealthy. I try not to even entertain the idea but i know that thought is there, in the back of my head & probably the reason when he IM's I respond so I can look happy & not sad. I felt so pathetic towards the end of the A because i was out of it in my head & chasing after him. I hate the thought that could be his last memory of me, pining away for him. I don't want him to have that ego-gloating image. I know I need him out of my life completely, I know this and I'm not contacting him but i haven't done what i should when he contacts me. OK, is this normal or what? Tell me I will let go of this thought soon.

 

These are ego-driven, self-destructive thoughts. What the OM thinks of you and your marriage is of the least importance in all of this. Had he respected your marriage in the first place, you wouldn't be in this position now. By continuing even minimal contact with him, you are feeding his ego...wow, she really can't let go of me! she even told her H about the affair and she's still talking to me!

 

You will let go of the OM when you choose - yes, choose - to do so. You have not chosen that yet. You haven't taken some important steps, like blocking his IM, blocking his emails, deleting correspondence, and canceling your account at that website where you met and PM each other. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, you have to flush the cocaine down the toilet, you have to empty the liquor bottles down the sink, and you have to stop going to the places where your drug of choice is omnipresent.

 

Last night H & I went to the mall, went to a movie & had a quick dinner at the mall. It was nice. He was acting very normal. Not overly loving and not cold. Just the way he used to be. We talked very calmly on the way home about some things. I am shocked we are able to do that so soon.

 

How about you? What are you doing to make your marriage better or to make this easier on your H. So far, everything you've been saying about your H's reaction seems to indicate that you're letting him do all the work. He's asking you on 'dates', he's taking you out, he's choosing to cuddle with you...what have you been doing to show him that you want to stay in this marriage?

 

I know you've been apologizing a lot, but that's reactive to his hurt feelings. Have you been going in to work at his business with him as you had planned when the girls were in school? Have you been planning any special evenings for the two of you, or the two of you with your daughters? Have you initiated conversations with your H about his feelings about the affair and marriage, or do you wait for him to do so? Have you started talking to him about what led you to the affair? Have you made an appointment for individual or marriage counseling?

 

When you actively participate in saving your marriage, you will start to feel as though you have a stake in the outcome. If you are passive and wait for you H to do all the work, you will continue to feel like this is happening TO you, rather than making choices that will help make your marriage better.

I am trying to not dwell on the D thought too much

 

You might want to dwell on it a little, like the practical side of what a divorce would mean to your life - not the fantasy of what it would be like to be with OM, or some other man. Think about:

 

how you would be able to support yourself and the house payments

how it would feel to spend night after night alone

how it would feel to see your H with someone else

how you would feel to see your daughters leave for half the week to stay with your H

how you would feel to see the knowledge in your daughers' eyes on why their parents split

how your daughters would really feel being shuttled back and forth between you and H

how you would feel to know that your H's new gf or wife were taking care of your daughters when they are with him

[Ladyjane14]

Awesome, thought-provoking, post by Norajane, IAP.

I hope you're reading it over and over. She's posted you what's tantamount to a roadmap for recovery.

 

No recovery after infidelity is ever guaranteed of course... but following these directives she's given you, will give you as good a shot as you can hope for here in the beginning of your journey.

 

My advice.... print it and commit it to memory.

[Sup]

I told my husband today. I hit my brick wall. It was awful. As soon as i told him, as soon as i did, i regretted it. How can this be better? he was crushed. He fell apart. He had NO clue, he was blindsided by this. I ****ing hate myself for doing this to him & then being too weak to keep it inside of me..

 

it's almost midnight & he's out yet

 

i am so worried............

 

If he wants out, then let him go. Don't take him for everything!

[Sup]

Hmmmm, If he is acting like before, it sounds strange to me. He needs counseling and soon. It looks like he's holding in anger, and if this happens too long, there will be an emotional explosion of rage. Why do I say this? Over time anger left alone doesn't get better and go away, it builds up, over time, the more time the more anger. In some cases, however rare the BS does everything that he/she should do in the marriage, but the other spouse cheats reguardless.

[Guest]

Hmmmm, If he is acting like before, it sounds strange to me. He needs counseling and soon. It looks like he's holding in anger, and if this happens too long, there will be an emotional explosion of rage. Why do I say this? Over time anger left alone doesn't get better and go away, it builds up, over time, the more time the more anger. In some cases, however rare the BS does everything that he/she should do in the marriage, but the other spouse cheats reguardless.

 

I don't know of anything that my H did that caused me to cheat. I have never tried to lay any blame on him. That doesn't mean there isn't something missing that i didn't even aware i missed. if that makes any sense.

 

I also worry about the fact he's being so normal. I know there is denial & then there is anger. If he doesn't get to anger soon should i really worry? Or could he just be a rare soul that is dealing with it calmly??

[InaPanic]

Hmmmm, If he is acting like before, it sounds strange to me. He needs counseling and soon. It looks like he's holding in anger, and if this happens too long, there will be an emotional explosion of rage. Why do I say this? Over time anger left alone doesn't get better and go away, it builds up, over time, the more time the more anger. In some cases, however rare the BS does everything that he/she should do in the marriage, but the other spouse cheats reguardless.

 

I don't know of anything that my H did that caused me to cheat. I have never tried to lay any blame on him. That doesn't mean there isn't something missing that i didn't even aware i missed. if that makes any sense.

I also worry about the fact he's being so normal. I know there is denial & then there is anger. If he doesn't get to anger soon should i really worry? Or could he just be a rare soul that is dealing with it calmly??

[regretfulwife]

Tell Him!! Now!! Honesty will go a very long way when it comes time to try to save your marriage. I was just caught, and now am facing the harsh reality of losing the man I truly love, my husband. Not the other man!!!!!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Regretful wife, go back and read afew pages back...She DID tell her husband.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know of anything that my H did that caused me to cheat. I have never tried to lay any blame on him. That doesn't mean there isn't something missing that i didn't even aware i missed. if that makes any sense.

I also worry about the fact he's being so normal. I know there is denial & then there is anger. If he doesn't get to anger soon should i really worry? Or could he just be a rare soul that is dealing with it calmly??

 

Give him time to adjust and deal with things. He is holding it in. It will hit him, then sorry to say, it will have it's affect on you.

 

He has to deal with it in his own way so don't rush him. All you can do is show him you're worthy of his love, worthy of his trust again. It's all so fresh and new - And I'm sure he doesn't want to just turn around and take it out on you...Maybe he's just being considerate right now? Time will tell...

 

Ofcourse your affair isn't his fault. That was your choice. Though, he could have contributed, without knowing - By pushing you in that direction... By whatever needs he wasn't meeting of yours. Just a shame that neither of you talked before all that happened...

 

You've owned up to it, came clean and time is on your side...And his.

[Sup]

I don't know of anything that my H did that caused me to cheat. I have never tried to lay any blame on him. That doesn't mean there isn't something missing that i didn't even aware i missed. if that makes any sense.

I also worry about the fact he's being so normal. I know there is denial & then there is anger. If he doesn't get to anger soon should i really worry? Or could he just be a rare soul that is dealing with it calmly??

 

No, I think it's the calm before the storm. Men are very unforgiving about these kinds of things. From what I have heard men equate sex with love, it's like it's the only way a man can express love. To him , that love was given to someone else. I'm not saying he won't stay with you, but then again, he has every right to leave the marriage. And remember there was no excuse for this kind of action on your part. I feel for your girls, they WILL know someday.

[InaPanic]

A rollercoaster day for sure. Last night things were fine. We had a good time together. I guess at 5am he woke up & couldn't get back to sleep. I had taken an over the counter sleeping pill so i was snoozing. At 7am i heard him moving & he was up getting dressed. I could tell he'd been crying. He said he'd been up for 2 hours & didn't want to wake me up so he was going downstairs. I just lay there not sure what is the right thing to do at times like this. Should i always go after him? Should i give him his space? My gut instinct is to give him space & some time to himself. Maybe that's my self preservation kicking in, I don't know. I gave it an hour of lying there & i got up & asked him to come & lay back down that i wasn't sleeping either. So he said he would & I went back to bed & fell asleep. Woke up at almost 10am & he had never come to bed. I felt bad i fell asleep! So i went down & he was still in a sad/bad mood. But i snuggled up to him on the couch & he was receptive & we watched some football. He then got better & came out of it some. But he does seem to be getting angry now. Angry at OM. He was asking me if i had his address in case he needed it. And made a comment that he needed his ass kicked. I don't know about that. I just want it behind us at this point. A few days ago i wanted to drive & kick the OM ass but now i just want it to be done & over with. He's gone out now with a friend which i've been encouraging 'cause he needs outlets for this.

 

He has told the husbands of two couples we are friends with. I'm not asking for sympathy here because i know doing what i did set me up for this but has anyone been thru this & how do you deal with seeing these people again? I'm avoiding them now because i can only imagine what they think & I know people tend to think of a woman as being 'fast' if she does something like this & i'm afraid the wives will now be wondering 'is she going to be after my H' which is so far from what i am like. It's just hard to wonder how to deal with all this. I'm ready to become a hermit at this point.

[Rooster_DAR]

First off, this is between you and your husband. However; if his friends are friends of yours as well, at some point you may wish to make them feel better about things in addressing you made a mistake. If you and your husband work this out together, then chances are that he will communicate that you made a mistake and are accepting responsibility for your actions to his friends. This is yet again one of the other problems you caused when you crossed the line, so you have to accept this, work on your relationship, and things will work themselves out.

 

Regards,

[InaPanic]

Today was his birthday, my husbands. The day started out not so good though. Mornings are rough for us both it seems. It has been exactly one week since i told him. I just asked him if we could please just try to have a nice day today because it didn't seem like it was starting out that way.

 

I made him a nice cake & dinner. We went out shopping, the whole family. But neither of us were really into it. How is it some days seem so full of hope, &, speaking for myself, I can see hope & little bits of my old self coming thru. And then other days just seem so hopeless. This has been a hopeless feeling day, i believe for both of us.

 

He went to Border's & hung out alone for awhile. I notice he bought something but I didn't ask what. I found in the bathroom a book called "Surviving Infidelity". It's geared towards someone who has been cheated on. I'm glad he bought it. But it's in our bathroom where the girls can see it. Should i mention the book to him? Ask anything about details of the book? And should i ask he keep it in his nightstand drawer? Or would that be mean or rude?

 

I just keep wondering how long this will take for me to feel like i used to. And how long he will think about it every day.

 

My lack of sexuality is buggin him a lot. I plan on calling dr. tomorrow to see about weening myself off of the prozac. The lack of interest in sex by me is what made for a bad mood for both of us today. He brought up a point about me sexually, one that had nothing to do with A or OM but something i hadn't thought about before. But something that once he mentioned I started thinking about & it bothered me too.

 

I hate feeling like i do tonight. I know there will be up days & down days. I just want to go to sleep & pass out & stop thinking.

[whichwayisup]

I think mentioning to him gently that it's great he bought the book, but if he could put it in the bedside table drawer. Your daughters don't need to see that. I'm sure that wasn't planned, he probably wasn't thinking...

 

Can I ask what point he brought up with you that (you think) had nothing to do with the A and OM? I don't want to jump to conclusions about anything, as I don't know what was said, but I'm sure whatever it was he said, the A and OM were on his mind...How can it not be? It's on yours constantly...

 

You're just going to have to ride this rollercoaster out, be supportive and understanding to his needs, give him space when he needs it, love and comfort him when he needs that too. Focus yourself into re-connecting emotionally with him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I personally think that the best thing you can do is "fake it until you make it".

 

Try to put more affection and love towards him- then it will create a rebound effect and he will do those same things to you.

 

As for what causes an affair- sometimes it can be caused by an unmet need. Sometimes the cheater has such little self esteem that the OM or OW sweeps them off their feet. Sometimes the focus should be internal as in "What about me, deep inside- has caused this?" You say you have a wonderful H and that he never did anything to push you to cheat.

 

If that's so, then what is it within yourself exactly?? Is it a need for attention or to be pursued?? Are you addicted to the rush that this caused? All of these things can be worked out with a therapist. You badly need to see one to get to the bottom of this.

[norajane]

Today was his birthday, my husbands. The day started out not so good though. Mornings are rough for us both it seems. It has been exactly one week since i told him. I just asked him if we could please just try to have a nice day today because it didn't seem like it was starting out that way.

 

If I were in your husband's shoes, your request would irritate me even further - it sounds so critical and uncaring. Think about it - a week before his birthday, he finds out you have been cheating on him. His birthday isn't going to be all filled with happy happy nice nice with the wife who betrayed him.

 

I understand you just wanted him to have a nice birthday, but your day started out bad because, apparently, mornings are the worst time for him in thinking about your affair and your betrayal. That's the time you need to be MOST understanding of his feelings and not the time for you to be making requests on how he should feel.

 

I made him a nice cake & dinner. We went out shopping, the whole family. But neither of us were really into it. How is it some days seem so full of hope, &, speaking for myself, I can see hope & little bits of my old self coming thru. And then other days just seem so hopeless. This has been a hopeless feeling day, i believe for both of us.

 

Yes, you're going to have good days and bad days together. It takes time for the betrayed spouse to make peace with his roller coaster of feelings. You can't expect the progress to all go forward without a hitch. The healing process doesn't work so smoothly. His hopeless days are when you need to really dig deep inside yourself to have enough strength and hope for the both of you.

 

He went to Border's & hung out alone for awhile. I notice he bought something but I didn't ask what. I found in the bathroom a book called "Surviving Infidelity". It's geared towards someone who has been cheated on. I'm glad he bought it. But it's in our bathroom where the girls can see it. Should i mention the book to him? Ask anything about details of the book? And should i ask he keep it in his nightstand drawer? Or would that be mean or rude?

 

You can ask him to put it somewhere the girls won't see it. And I think you should show some interest in the book and in his recovery. Ask him about his feelings, tell him you want to help in whatever way you can, tell him you'd be very interested in understanding what he learns from the book and what you can do to help him get through this and make your marriage stronger. Don't just sit back and try to pretend he's not going through hell right now.

 

I just keep wondering how long this will take for me to feel like i used to. And how long he will think about it every day.

 

Well, it's going to take him longer than a week, that's for sure. You've been married a long, long time and he's built his whole life with you and your daughters.

 

And you are never going to feel the same way you used to...which is a good thing, as the way you used to feel led you into this affair. You need to work on creating something stronger and better for both of you, and part of that is to understand that his pain is very deep right now even though he hasn't reacted in anger. He's buried it so he doesn't hurt as much, but it's there every time he looks at you and will continue to be there for a long time. It will eventually lessen, but not on your timetable.

 

My lack of sexuality is buggin him a lot. I plan on calling dr. tomorrow to see about weening myself off of the prozac. The lack of interest in sex by me is what made for a bad mood for both of us today. He brought up a point about me sexually, one that had nothing to do with A or OM but something i hadn't thought about before. But something that once he mentioned I started thinking about & it bothered me too.

 

I hate feeling like i do tonight. I know there will be up days & down days. I just want to go to sleep & pass out & stop thinking.

 

Getting off the Prozac is a good thing. You never needed to be on it in the first place, and it's been affecting your natural emotions and reactions, as well as your sex drive. Find a competent therapist and marriage counselor - your gynecologist is not competent to help you with the medications.

 

Whatever the issue is that your husband brought up and that is bothering you now is worth giving some serious thought to.

 

I'm sure your H wishes he could stop thinking as well. Be there for him - don't withdraw into your head.

[michelangelo]

he may have placed it there to force you to look at it and deal with the content. Why? Because me may not know how to tackle this awfulness head on.

[Sup]

Today was his birthday, my husbands. The day started out not so good though. Mornings are rough for us both it seems. It has been exactly one week since i told him. I just asked him if we could please just try to have a nice day today because it didn't seem like it was starting out that way.

 

I made him a nice cake & dinner. We went out shopping, the whole family. But neither of us were really into it. How is it some days seem so full of hope, &, speaking for myself, I can see hope & little bits of my old self coming thru. And then other days just seem so hopeless. This has been a hopeless feeling day, i believe for both of us.

 

He went to Border's & hung out alone for awhile. I notice he bought something but I didn't ask what. I found in the bathroom a book called "Surviving Infidelity". It's geared towards someone who has been cheated on. I'm glad he bought it. But it's in our bathroom where the girls can see it. Should i mention the book to him? Ask anything about details of the book? And should i ask he keep it in his nightstand drawer? Or would that be mean or rude?

 

I just keep wondering how long this will take for me to feel like i used to. And how long he will think about it every day.

 

My lack of sexuality is buggin him a lot. I plan on calling dr. tomorrow to see about weening myself off of the prozac. The lack of interest in sex by me is what made for a bad mood for both of us today. He brought up a point about me sexually, one that had nothing to do with A or OM but something i hadn't thought about before. But something that once he mentioned I started thinking about & it bothered me too.

 

I hate feeling like i do tonight. I know there will be up days & down days. I just want to go to sleep & pass out & stop thinking.

 

 

The problem is, that he will always think of it everyday. I'm sure he thought of it even on his birthday, which pretty much didn't make him feel special. That's just my opion.

[bab]

I personally think that the best thing you can do is "fake it until you make it".

I agree with this.

 

Why not just take the book into the bedroom with you and talk with him about the book. Maybe he just sat it down in the bathroom, and if you leave it in the bedroom after talking with him about it, it will stay in the bedroom.

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, that he will always think of it everyday. I'm sure he thought of it even on his birthday, which pretty much didn't make him feel special. That's just my opion.

 

I agree with Sup 100% on this one. It's always on his mind...Details, thoughts, images, feeling pain, trying to deal with it all.

 

Don't take this the wrong way and I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe you need to focus on your husband and his pain, instead of beating up on yourself, and thinking how much you miss the OM...THE OM is your past. Get over him - The sooner the better. If you need to send the OM one last email to officially say goodbye, DO it, but make it real short and to the point. Make it clear to him that he is never to contact you again, no matter what. Over means it's over forever, meaning that email was the last one ever. I think if you do this another weight will be lifted from your shoulders...And then you can really focus on fixing your marriage, showing your husband that you're worth fighting for.