cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[InaPanic]

What? Your husbands Ex-wife messed around on him too? He must think this is a curse, or something, if 2 women have done this to him, that's TOO MUCH for anyone to bear, he may think the same thing is going to happen all over again.

I think that the saying: If the husband cheats, it's HIS fault. If the wife cheats, it's HIS fault. Has been, or is being engrained into men these days, it basically says a man can't win these days, which IS wrong. Yeah you typed maybe I was guest or something, but wasn't sure, if you look you'll find it.

 

uh, no, his ex wife didn't cheat on him when they were married as far as i know. But, as a matter of fact, he did cheat on her.

[Madaline]

wo wo wo...HE cheated himself?

[Sup]

uh, no, his ex wife didn't cheat on him when they were married as far as i know. But, as a matter of fact, he did cheat on her.

 

hmmm. didn't know that.

[Sup]

Um, I was thinking today, not to get too personal, have you thought of telling your husband of things you had worn for OM, like dresses, skirts, underwear, things like that, changes in hairstyles, purfumes, gifts that he bought for you, gifts you bought for him, including jewelry, and anything you did for OM like in grooming,etc. ANY reminders of OM, Even whos hotel you stayed at, the name of the hotel, who paid for dinner, etc. The reason I asked is because these could be what is known as "triggers" in the future. Your husband may have, or is wondering if you had worn some of the things for him as well as for OM. These things you may need to tell husband and show him the things, you probably should get rid of them as well as soon as possible. This may show your husband that you are very serious to him. This way your husband may not think of: did she wear this or that for OM, or did she change her hair color for him etc.. I saw this type of example in another article in here somewhere.... If I have left out anything, anyone please include items I may have missed.

[Sup]

I hope you both have been checked for STDs too.

[InaPanic]

He did cheat in his first marriage, i believe more than once. He was married young, 18 or 19,.....again, too young. I have mentioned this to him only a couple of times & his response was that he didn't love her anymore at that point & the marriage was basically over. But since i told him i still loved him he doesn't understand how i could have done this.

 

We haven't been tested, the OM used condoms.

 

My H did ask me once what i wore to sleep in & if i bought anything special. I told him exactly what i wore which was nothing special actually.

 

I have not mentioned any gifts & he has not asked. He did go to the same city that OM & I met in the other day. I honestly thought that would be hard on him but he never made mention of it if it was.

[Sup]

He did cheat in his first marriage, i believe more than once. He was married young, 18 or 19,.....again, too young. I have mentioned this to him only a couple of times & his response was that he didn't love her anymore at that point & the marriage was basically over. But since i told him i still loved him he doesn't understand how i could have done this.

 

We haven't been tested, the OM used condoms.

 

My H did ask me once what i wore to sleep in & if i bought anything special. I told him exactly what i wore which was nothing special actually.

 

I have not mentioned any gifts & he has not asked. He did go to the same city that OM & I met in the other day. I honestly thought that would be hard on him but he never made mention of it if it was.

 

As far as the Items that you wore, I suggest you get rid of them, as to help your husband not to suddenly remember what has happened, it could be a setback for you both. As far as ANY gifts if any, it may only be a matter of time before your husband asks, or sees them. I'm not saying that their are any, but if there are you know for sure, I have read that OM/OW will give gifts to lovers in other threads. Pointing these "gifts" out to your husband and getting rid of them would be a great indicator that you are willing to salvage, if possible, your marriage. Because having such items could be a hinderance to recovery and healing. You say that you havn't been tested, condoms as you know are not 100% effective, meaning they can fail, although you may have noticed if they had failed, it ONLY reduces the risk. I'm not sure if your husband went to the city to do some investigating himself, or has business there. Don't be surprised if he went there for the former reason. Just my observation. Lastly, did you find the thread I mentioned, if not the title is: wife made stupid mistake, by DazednConfused. I mispelled it earlier on. I hope things get better.

[InaPanic]

Thanks sup.

 

My H did mention the other day he wanted me to get tested. I guess this just proves my stupidity/naivity because i just presumed since we used a condom everything was ok. But his response was pretty much like yours, condoms leak & are not 100% safe. So maybe i should get tested. I did ask OM after sex if everything was ok with condom & he said yes. Of course he could have lied. Thank God i have had periods. I guess if this situation could have turned out worse that would have been it.

 

I don't know why there are, not just days, but sometimes hours, or minutes that I feel like i'm going to be ok & that my marriage is going to survive this & then the very next day, hour or minute I feel like it's not going to be ok & that i'd be better off & so would he if we just split.

 

I have to be honest & i hope no one gives me too much hell because i am just trying to be honest with you all about my feelings. See if anyone thinks it's normal i am feeling this way or if they also felt this way. But there are times when i actually think about being single again & i like the thought. What is wrong with me?? Why would i possibly want to be single again? I actually think i know exactly what it is. It's that feeling, that damn feeling. The one i had during the two months of 'courting' that the OM did, the excitement of a new romance. I miss that terribly & the thought i will never have that feeling again makes me sad. And i realize that just because i am single doesn't mean i will ever get that feeling again. I know i stand a better chance of staying home alone night after night & growing old with my cats. But still, there are times when it sounds appealing to be free & single again. Have i just lost my mind? I haven't expressed these thoughts to my H because i don't want to hurt him.

 

All i ever thought i wanted was exactly what i had. A stable family, a husband that was good to me & wonderful children. We have our share of problems, finances at the moment, like any other family....but i never felt a craving to be single & free again. So why is it now that this thought keeps creeping into my head? Is it because i got a taste of it? And because i have this thought does it mean that my marriage is doomed or given time i will go back to being content like i was?

 

It's all so confusing. And this is just my angle, imagine everything in his head too. How can we possibly survive this.

 

I know i am in for a cold dose of reality if he leaves me. I have been with him since 19 & never had to be alone, always had him to lean on & depend on. But i cannot have it both ways.

[whichwayisup]

I know i am in for a cold dose of reality if he leaves me. I have been with him since 19 & never had to be alone, always had him to lean on & depend on. But i cannot have it both ways

 

No, you can't. But if you really are feeling like you want to be alone and experience that 'beginning stages of romance' over and over again, I think later in life, you'll regret it and wish that you stayed with your husband. Those feelings ARE great, but it's even better to have a stablized long term love, a deep love that grows and never stops...You DO have that with your husband.

 

Noone here can tell you what you should do, or not do, all we can do is offer up advice, ways of helping to make things better.

 

Once you decide, body mind and soul what YOU want, things will get abit easier. I am not sure if you want to stay married. Before your A, did you have those feelings of wanting to escape and experience things?

 

I just worry that at the end of the day, the grass isn't greener on the otherside of the fence...And you'll regret tasting it because you miss those intense feelings.

[Sup]

Thanks sup.

 

My H did mention the other day he wanted me to get tested. I guess this just proves my stupidity/naivity because i just presumed since we used a condom everything was ok. But his response was pretty much like yours, condoms leak & are not 100% safe. So maybe i should get tested. I did ask OM after sex if everything was ok with condom & he said yes. Of course he could have lied. Thank God i have had periods. I guess if this situation could have turned out worse that would have been it.

 

I don't know why there are, not just days, but sometimes hours, or minutes that I feel like i'm going to be ok & that my marriage is going to survive this & then the very next day, hour or minute I feel like it's not going to be ok & that i'd be better off & so would he if we just split.

 

I have to be honest & i hope no one gives me too much hell because i am just trying to be honest with you all about my feelings. See if anyone thinks it's normal i am feeling this way or if they also felt this way. But there are times when i actually think about being single again & i like the thought. What is wrong with me?? Why would i possibly want to be single again? I actually think i know exactly what it is. It's that feeling, that damn feeling. The one i had during the two months of 'courting' that the OM did, the excitement of a new romance. I miss that terribly & the thought i will never have that feeling again makes me sad. And i realize that just because i am single doesn't mean i will ever get that feeling again. I know i stand a better chance of staying home alone night after night & growing old with my cats. But still, there are times when it sounds appealing to be free & single again. Have i just lost my mind? I haven't expressed these thoughts to my H because i don't want to hurt him.

 

All i ever thought i wanted was exactly what i had. A stable family, a husband that was good to me & wonderful children. We have our share of problems, finances at the moment, like any other family....but i never felt a craving to be single & free again. So why is it now that this thought keeps creeping into my head? Is it because i got a taste of it? And because i have this thought does it mean that my marriage is doomed or given time i will go back to being content like i was?

 

It's all so confusing. And this is just my angle, imagine everything in his head too. How can we possibly survive this.

 

I know i am in for a cold dose of reality if he leaves me. I have been with him since 19 & never had to be alone, always had him to lean on & depend on. But i cannot have it both ways.

 

Actually, your husband needs to be tested too for STDs. And yes to your statement about it being much worse, after Dazednconfused Thread, you probably should CO123's thread, it's waaaaayyyyyyyy longer, but, it shows you how MUCH worse it could/can be. Are you guys starting MC yet? You need to be telling your hubby everything, if you have read Dazed's thread you would find in there that his wife kept holding things back from him, like you are doing now. By doing this, every time there is something NEW, or a different version than what was told, it takes him back to ground 0, D DAY, or what ever you want to call it. Basically, it starts all over again, just like you just revealed the affair, which tears him apart some more, he continues to suffer all over again, which also shatters more trust, if there was any left at all. Also any healing that started is gone. I'm trying to tell you, the longer you hold out on being COMPLEATLY HONEST to a FAULT, the more chance you WILL lose your husband. You probably should tell your husband even about you posting on here, and about your thread. It would also give HIM a place to vent his anger, frustrations, emotions, etc. I'm guessing he's still not showing anger right now, which is NOT good, that kind of stress could even kill him. He has to get it out in one way or another. Like I say, its better if you tell husband ALL, before he reads this thread, cause you have posted things on here that he doesn't yet know. I REALLY STRESS THIS...... HE NEEDS TO KNOW, and he needs help, he can't do it by himself.

[norajane]

And i realize that just because i am single doesn't mean i will ever get that feeling again. I know i stand a better chance of staying home alone night after night & growing old with my cats. But still, there are times when it sounds appealing to be free & single again.

 

Well, here's how being single works, since it's been so long for you.

 

At 38, most of the men you will meet will already be married or in long term relationships. The ones who aren't, are not likely to be interested in getting married...commitment phobes, confirmed bachelors, etc. There are younger men who will find you attractive, primarily because of the 'older woman mystique' or whatever, but they aren't likely to want to get married to you, either. Particularly since they might like kids of their own someday down the line when you'll be too old to have any more.

 

You'll go out on dates and you'll keep hoping that each guy you go out with will give you that special falling in love giddy feeling that you crave, but, more often than not, you won't actually click.

 

And then one day, you might meet that guy, and all will be exactly as you wished...for a while...until you find out he cheated or wants a 'break' because things are getting too serious or wants to break up because he wants to date someone else.

 

And maybe if you're lucky, you'll one day have that feeling with someone and you will get remarried...only to end up back in the same place you are now with the stresses of marriage, life, step-families, money, infidelity, and getting older.

 

Enjoy.

[Sup]

I'll call that a fair trade!!!!!! NOT!

[whichwayisup]

Actually, your husband needs to be tested too for STDs. And yes to your statement about it being much worse, after Dazednconfused Thread, you probably should CO123's thread, it's waaaaayyyyyyyy longer, but, it shows you how MUCH worse it could/can be. Are you guys starting MC yet? You need to be telling your hubby everything, if you have read Dazed's thread you would find in there that his wife kept holding things back from him, like you are doing now. By doing this, every time there is something NEW, or a different version than what was told, it takes him back to ground 0, D DAY, or what ever you want to call it. Basically, it starts all over again, just like you just revealed the affair, which tears him apart some more, he continues to suffer all over again, which also shatters more trust, if there was any left at all. Also any healing that started is gone. I'm trying to tell you, the longer you hold out on being COMPLEATLY HONEST to a FAULT, the more chance you WILL lose your husband. You probably should tell your husband even about you posting on here, and about your thread. It would also give HIM a place to vent his anger, frustrations, emotions, etc. I'm guessing he's still not showing anger right now, which is NOT good, that kind of stress could even kill him. He has to get it out in one way or another. Like I say, its better if you tell husband ALL, before he reads this thread, cause you have posted things on here that he doesn't yet know. I REALLY STRESS THIS...... HE NEEDS TO KNOW, and he needs help, he can't do it by himself.

 

This is excellent advice!

[JamesM]

IP, I wish you the best.

 

I have a couple of questions...this comment of yours...

 

I know i am in for a cold dose of reality if he leaves me. I have been with him since 19 & never had to be alone, always had him to lean on & depend on. But i cannot have it both ways.

 

If his marriage was at 18 or 19 as quoted here...

He did cheat in his first marriage, i believe more than once. He was married young, 18 or 19,.....again, too young.

 

...then tell me how your relationship began?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure her husband is abit older than she is obviously...And she hasn't said how long he was married for the first time around.

[InaPanic]

yes, my husband is ten years older than i am, so he was 29 when we got together, i was 19.

 

norajane, your post was certainly food for thought. And it's not like I think i'm going to be some hot commodity if i am single. I don't know what i think. I just know that the way we are now is not good. And i'm not sure what either of us wants. I went to bed this morning feeling pretty good about us & woke up feeling the same. He woke up feeling very different. Acting very cold & indifferent. So i tried to talk to him, tried to lay in bed & hold his hand but he just wasn't into it. So now i'm back to feeling like this is hopeless. I can't stand seeing him lying in bed just staring at the ceiling & looking so sad. In a way I think i'd be better off just letting him go on with his life & move on from this. I don't know. I have a lump in my throat right now thinking of what i have done to him & how i have changed him. i don't deserve him at all. And he doesn't deserve someone like me.

[BenThereDunThat]

NJ - as a 37-year-old whose divorce is about to be final (just a little over 3 days!) can I just say your post totally depressed me?

 

I understand the point you're trying to make, I really do and a lot of what you said, I'm sure I will find is true.

 

But, for anyone reading that who is not in a happy marriage and afraid to get out - don't let that scare you!

 

I'll take the risk of being alone the rest of my life rather than remain married to my STBXH.

[Walk]

Inapanic.. you're post reminded me of myself at 28-29. I had started dating my exH at 20. Was with him for a little over 9 years.

 

Anyway, I had also felt the same way you described.. In hindsight, I think it had less to do with wanting someone else, as it did with wanting to be free to explore who *I* was. I'd changed a lot from the kid I was at 20, and although my husband had "seemed" supportive of most things, he really didn't want me to grow or change who I was... he wasn't willing to fully support that growth, nor did he want to change with me, so I felt... held back. Like I was lacking something. And one way I think it manifested it's self was through feelings of wanting the "excitment" and thrill of single life.

 

I think another aspect of your feelings might be that you're not entirely sure you want to put the amount of effort that will be needed into saving your marriage. (don't read this as critizism. it's not a judgement against you, only what I beleive may be an underlying feeling.) If you feel you aren't going to get, or are getting what you really need from this marriage, then a person isn't going to feel the desire to put 100% commitment into saving it. Because now, you have to work twice as hard to get things back to par, but par wasn't fulfilling you before... so I could understand why there would be a desire to strike off and start something new rather then work on the old.

 

I left my marriage because I knew no matter what the outcome was, *I* would never find the fulfillment I needed in order to be happy. I wanted to grow and he wanted everything to stay the same as it had been when I was 20. I wasn't the same person anymore, and I wasn't close to being who I envisioned... so I left. Single life sucks. My marriage was comfortable, safe, known. But my marriage held me back from who I needed to be, and what I wanted for MY life. Took me nearly a year and a half to figure out what I really wanted/needed in my life.

 

All I'm really saying is, you're not weird for feeling as you do. But maybe look a little deeper into the feeling to see what the actual desire is. Don't allow your mind to project it onto someone else without attempting to find out the underlying reasons for how you feel.

 

p.s. whatever you have to do, go to marriage counseling. Both of you need it.

[Walk]

NJ - as a 37-year-old whose divorce is about to be final (just a little over 3 days!) can I just say your post totally depressed me?

 

I understand the point you're trying to make, I really do and a lot of what you said, I'm sure I will find is true.

 

But, for anyone reading that who is not in a happy marriage and afraid to get out - don't let that scare you!

 

I'll take the risk of being alone the rest of my life rather than remain married to my STBXH.

 

I felt the same as you after my divorce. Just happy to be out.

 

You have to find your happiness in yourself. Oh, and get a cat. hahahaha

[BenThereDunThat]

I felt the same as you after my divorce. Just happy to be out.

 

You have to find your happiness in yourself. Oh, and get a cat. hahahaha

 

Already got one. A boy cat who doesn't do cocaine, drink too much, obsess about football while sitting on MY couch and stuffing his face with pork rinds; and since he doesn't have to work at all, I don't have to worry about him NOT working half the time!

 

:lmao:

 

(although the little f***er probably would do those things if he knew how! I did just have to bail him out of kitty jail)

[serial muse]

NJ - as a 37-year-old whose divorce is about to be final (just a little over 3 days!) can I just say your post totally depressed me?

 

as a 35-year-old who is already divorced and currently dating - ditto what BTDT said.

 

way harsh, nj. i don't think the picture is that bleak.

[norajane]

as a 35-year-old who is already divorced and currently dating - ditto what BTDT said.

 

way harsh, nj. i don't think the picture is that bleak.

 

Single life at that age is not bleak if you're happy with yourself and your life. Of course you're free to travel and get involved in all kinds of activities that maybe you couldn't do when you were married. Of course there isn't anyone else you need to be responsible to and for (unless you have children). Of course there's no one you have to pick up after or cook for or whatever. Of course there's no one belittling you at home, or abusing you, or generally making you miserable. Of course you have friends and family and passions and interests. And I totally agree that being single is a million times better than being married to someone you don't want to be married to!

 

But the dating scene is pretty bleak for women who are older. Generally, at that age, you're not dating the way you did when you were 25 when there are a hundred guys around every corner that you could have fun with and enjoy doing things with. It is true there are fewer available men to date. It is true that most men your age are already married or seriously involved.

 

It's also true that you are subject to the same disappointments and heartbreaks that you had when you were 25. It is true that you go out on dates and hope that you will connect and then find that you don't. It's true that you will meet someone and think you've found a terrific guy to be with and things don't end up working out for one reason or another and you have to start dating again and try to meet someone else.

 

For the last 15 years, I've dated in Chicago, San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Seattle, and Denver. I'm attractive, educated, well-traveled, financially secure, independent, and a warm, loving, affectionate person. And dating wore me out! Sex and the City wasn't so far off from reality - except for the obssession with expensive fashion, shoes, and cosmopolitans, and the plethora of single men they always found to date. So if you think that's fun, great. If not, it's pretty bleak.

 

That's my take on it; obviously there are different views.

[Guest]

I still think a big part of my problem in my infatuation with the OM is thinking it HAS to be love or why would I have done what I did. I need to keep telling myself it was a stupid judgement call, it wasn't love, it was me getting caught up in a fantasy & not being able to stop. My H is the real deal, this other guy was not.

It's hard when you miss someone else so badly though.

 

 

Why does everyone always have to try to convince themselves that their H or W is the real deal---is the one they love? Just because you married a person doesn't mean you married the right one. And it doesn't mean you still love them.

 

I think it's our society. We signed a contract so we try to convince ourselves that our H or W is the person we love forever and ever. In some cases it's true, but in others, it's not. I think people should feel ok to admit when it's not.

[BenThereDunThat]

Generally, at that age, you're not dating the way you did when you were 25 when there are a hundred guys around every corner that you could have fun with and enjoy doing things with. It is true there are fewer available men to date. It is true that most men your age are already married or seriously involved.

 

 

I, for one, am glad I'm not dating the way I used to when I was 25. I had no clue what I really wanted then. While there may have been "hundreds" (a slight exageration) of guys, they were pretty much idiots - the way guys in their early 20s will tend to be.

 

I had to un-learn everything I thought I wanted just by my upbringing. I idealized the blue-collar guys and swore I would NEVER be with a man who had to wear a tie everyday.

 

Now I have a different perspective. I know the type of man I want to be with, not who I thought I SHOULD be with based on what my parents and peers did. Whether he be blue OR white collar.

 

I am truly looking forward to this next phase in my life.

[whichwayisup]

Why does everyone always have to try to convince themselves that their H or W is the real deal---is the one they love? Just because you married a person doesn't mean you married the right one. And it doesn't mean you still love them.

 

I think it's our society. We signed a contract so we try to convince ourselves that our H or W is the person we love forever and ever. In some cases it's true, but in others, it's not. I think people should feel ok to admit when it's not.

 

Problem is, when the 'problems and issues' start in a marriage which makes one person change their feelings for their spouses, wouldn't it be easier AT THAT point in the marriage to talk about it - Decide either end it or go to marriage counselling?

 

Today's society is SELFISH! If you're not happy, screw your responsibilities, your children, your spouse...Get out and make "you" happy. Or even better, just cheat.

 

I'm not saying ALL marriages should end or not end because one person falls out of love, but where do you draw the line?