cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Sup]

By the way, maybe the book isn't for "brutal honesty", however if your husband DOES ask, you do have to tell him. But, about OM, you do have to tell your husband about ANY feelings you still may have IMO. Hows the MC coming along? Just wondering.

[InaPanic]

Yes i did tell husband. I found out a couple weeks ago about a woman he had a serious affair with. Met her on the same place he met me. He is definitily a predator, no doubt. I'm not sure that made my husband feel any better tho.

 

No we are still not in MC, it is financial right now. We cannot afford it. But i know i need to take it more seriously.

 

I have been feeling better today, especially after last night. So i called my H at work a little bit ago & i could tell he had been crying. I asked if he were ok & he said it had been a rough morning. This made me feel bad. I said to him that i thought last night was good & he said yeah it was & that i felt very good but it felt different. I don't know what to think. I know it's going to take time but i do feel so hopeless sometimes.

[Mz. Pixie]

No we are still not in MC, it is financial right now. We cannot afford it. But i know i need to take it more seriously.

 

 

The marriage builders website is free.

[Sup]

The marriage builders website is free.

 

I agree. This site is also free, Hubby should know about this site IaP, It WILL help him. He should know what your name in here is too. He HAS to vent somehow. If you don't feel ready now, you won't ever feel ready to disclose this site.

[Mz. Pixie]

Not so sure it's a good idea for her H to post here- but they should BOTH be posting and reading at marriagebuilders.

 

If he does post here he doesn't need to come on her thread and vice versa. That just ends up in a whole big mess.

[InaPanic]

Not so sure it's a good idea for her H to post here- but they should BOTH be posting and reading at marriagebuilders.

 

If he does post here he doesn't need to come on her thread and vice versa. That just ends up in a whole big mess.

 

 

I totally agree with this. I wouldn't want him to read this thread at all. Again, i guess i just don't believe in brutal honesty. Plus he'd have to read the thread where i'm trying to get over OM, how hurtful would that be to read..

 

I do wish he could read dazed&confused's thread tho.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, well, print out dazednconfused thread and let him read it.

 

The good - If your husband reads your thread, atleast he'll understand what you are feeling and thinking. Writing is honest and I think we open up alot more in writing than in talking - It's from the heart, so if he reads your thread, it could help him.

 

The bad - You lose your privacy in a sense, but some would argue (like Dazed if he were here) that it's the cost of having an affair... At the same time, LS is kind of like a girlfriend, where you can talk about things and not worry about someone overhearing...

 

It may hurt your husband, but he may want to know all things that got you to where you are now...To understand...That this affair wasn't about him, it was all about you and where your mind was. Not thinking clearly at all. He may still be thinking it's his fault, or he pushed you into the arms of another man.

 

The outcome? Well, it could help you two more than you know. Honesty right now is what he needs, even if it hurts. Unfortunately the damage of his hurt is already done, so the answers he could be looking for might be in your thread(s).

[Sup]

What did you think of Dazed's Thread? Did it help you to understand more of your husbands feelings?

[InaPanic]

What did you think of Dazed's Thread? Did it help you to understand more of your husbands feelings?

 

I am actually still reading it. Dazed's personality & temperment seem very similar to that of my H.

[InaPanic]

This post from Dazed's thread,.....wow....i'm wondering if his w & i had an A with the same guy or if we are the same person:

 

"I was blissfully unaware; happily cruising along. Slimebag came along, befriended my wife, escalated the friendship to learn of her vulnerabilities, and exploited them to his benefit. (For that he should be caught in a bear trap by his genitals and given only a dull rusty knife). She did not go seeking a relationship outside her marriage, but was flattered and it felt good to feel good. She got swept up in the attention and emotion and made a bad mistake. She has said she never loved him, and her thoughts of me and our marriage were a distant, compartmentalized thing when they were together. She consciously blocked out thoughts of the future when they were together. Sometimes we live in the moment and damn the consequences."

 

What he is saying about his W is exactly how i got caught up in this. I'm sure it's how many men & women get caught up in an affair. This hits so close to home for me.

 

H & I are still not spending much time together it seems. He's still working a lot outside the home & I am still doing my work on the computer. We need to both be bringing money in so it's not an option for either of us to stop. In a way i think we may both be hiding our heads in the sand a little. Me more than him.

We did have sex again last night. My idea again. But this time, for some reason, i just wanted to cry during & afterwards. It was hard to stop myself. I worry if we will ever be normal with each other again.

[Tatara]

Tatara, i think you missed your calling in life as a therapist . You always seem to say things that hit home with me.

 

I think people who have low self-esteem have an easy time understanding each other. Thanks for the compliment ^_^

 

I think if you went to see a MC that they might tell you it was your low selfworth that allowed you to fall into the flattery and falseness of the OM. Afterall, you didn't go looking for him. After all this pain, I know that you would never do it again. In fact, I think you will take pride in declining should another man ever throw his affections your way.

 

I'm so glad to hear that you guys had sex. That is definately a step in the right direction isn't it?

 

I've been wondering exactly how you guys' conversations have been going? When you cry an apology, what do you say? How does he respond? Why don't you think it is a good thing to apologize? It might make him cry at the time he hears you talking about it, but it shows him exactly how its hurting you. I am sure he really wants to hear that it was a mistake, that it is something you regret.

 

I think it would also be wise to let him know (or at least recognize it in yourself) that if you felt a little more confident in yourself you wouldn't have a gap to fill. No matter how much your husband gives you, he can never fill the gap left by low self esteem. Until you feel "worth it" in life, you will always need reassurance and it will always sound nice coming from anyone. I think him knowing that your self-confidence had a big part in the playout of this whole mess will make him feel less at fault. Unfortunately you will also have to realize that you yourself have alot of work to do to fix this part of yourself.

 

Maybe we can work on it together. 'Cause I sure as heck don't understand why I have a wonderful beyond wonderful husband, a beautiful home, an at-home job doing what I love (art) and a great, though not very well behaved, dog (who is practicly a child to me) but still I feel inadequate. I still get terrible emotional pain because though everyone in my home loves me - I don't love me and it shows.

 

It shows because even though we love our husbands(and/or children and our lifestyles) we are still embarking in self-destructive behavior.

 

Another thought, you think that maybe your life felt so boring and repetitive that this whole mess, though destructive, brought it to life a bit more?

[Tatara]

We did have sex again last night. My idea again. But this time, for some reason, i just wanted to cry during & afterwards. It was hard to stop myself. I worry if we will ever be normal with each other again.

 

I cry about 20% of the time after I have sex since a certain point in our relationship. I never know why, the feelings just explode inside me and I cry. Hubby doesn't mind, though he has been trying to help me figure it out. the thought that hit home as to why was:

 

-> Because I am allowing myself to be so open with my feelings I feel vulnerable and that scares me to tears. Of course, I only notice it once I am back in control. (I've always kept a close watch on how much I "let myself go" and had to give that up to build some trust in myself and others. I'm still not used to it. Unfortunately there is no way to shut that door once its opened etheir.)

 

Since it is happening to you *during* sex, it could be your worrying. Wondering what he is feeling, and how you are feeling. Wondering if you will stay together. You might just be scared that if you allow yourself to fall "back" in love with him too much and then you guys split up it would devestate you.

 

That being said, you think you are purposely holding back your feelings even out of the bedroom for that very reason? Self-preservation of sorts?

[InaPanic]

I've been wondering exactly how you guys' conversations have been going? When you cry an apology, what do you say? How does he respond? Why don't you think it is a good thing to apologize? It might make him cry at the time he hears you talking about it, but it shows him exactly how its hurting you. I am sure he really wants to hear that it was a mistake, that it is something you regret.

 

I think it would also be wise to let him know (or at least recognize it in yourself) that if you felt a little more confident in yourself you wouldn't have a gap to fill. No matter how much your husband gives you, he can never fill the gap left by low self esteem. Until you feel "worth it" in life, you will always need reassurance and it will always sound nice coming from anyone. I think him knowing that your self-confidence had a big part in the playout of this whole mess will make him feel less at fault. Unfortunately you will also have to realize that you yourself have alot of work to do to fix this part of yourself.

 

Maybe we can work on it together. 'Cause I sure as heck don't understand why I have a wonderful beyond wonderful husband, a beautiful home, an at-home job doing what I love (art) and a great, though not very well behaved, dog (who is practicly a child to me) but still I feel inadequate. I still get terrible emotional pain because though everyone in my home loves me - I don't love me and it shows.

 

It shows because even though we love our husbands(and/or children and our lifestyles) we are still embarking in self-destructive behavior.

 

Another thought, you think that maybe your life felt so boring and repetitive that this whole mess, though destructive, brought it to life a bit more?

 

I don't recall saying that i didn't think it was a good thing to apologize. I must have said something that gave you that idea, sorry. I do apologize to him often. I have said it numerous times to him, to the point i'm afraid it's lost it's meaning & just sounds like empty words now. I am truly sorry.

 

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. At times i feel like i'm thinking only about me & my happiness & then at other times i feel like i hate myself so much that i don't deserve him or the kids & maybe he should go & do himself a favor by starting over now rather than later. Find himself someone who will appreciate him.

 

At the time i didn't think my life was boring, or if i did, it was in the back of my head. I absolutely wasn't looking for an affair or even a man online to be flirty with. It just happened & i just ran with it i suppose. But i have to admit now, when i think about my life, it does seem boring. I know that sounds horrible to say & I am only trying to be honest. But the affair was so exciting. Yes, in a bad & horrible self-destructive way, but there was excitement to it. And daily i had something to look forward to in talking or IM'ing the OM. Because i DID enjoy it, i hate myself for saying that but it's the truth. And now i just don't feel anything. I'm being the 'taxi' driving mom running to & from school & after school activities, i'm doing laundry & cleaning house, i'm cooking dinner & doing my work. And nothing makes me happy anymore. i know i sound incredibly selfish & I wish i DIDN'T feel like this. God, i don't know what is wrong with me.

 

today H & I went out to breakfast. He asked me why i was so sad & I apologized & said i don't know. He took me by the hand and asked if i had come to any decisions that i would tell him. See why i don't think i deserve him? Wtf is wrong with me? I know I need professional help because i still feel like myhead is so muddled up. But now more than ever we cannot afford it. Just found out today that one of our businesses is probably going to have to close down or relocate. We have no money to relocate. This is the store that brings in the most money.

 

I just feel like my entire world is crashing in around me & I am hanging on by threads. I'm back to being weepy everyday & more confused than ever.

[whichwayisup]

I do apologize to him often. I have said it numerous times to him, to the point i'm afraid it's lost it's meaning & just sounds like empty words now. I am truly sorry.

 

Instead of saying sorry all the time, do it in action.

 

OK, is it possible to borrow money? I really think that you need that help, professionally, so seeking therapy-even at a cheap cost will only help you. You and your husband can make sacrifices when comes to $$, so you two can afford MC and individual counselling. Ask family, I mean, you two need this otherwise life will be harder...Online help is great but it's not doing enough to help and make the progress that you need to get through all this.

 

The addictive part, exciting and all, of the online thing with your MM is what is messing you up now. If you really focus on other things, soon you won't miss it like you do now.

 

Part of being a parent, a mom and a wife is giving up certain things, and yes, you have every right to complain and not be happy doing all that you do for your family, but it IS a responsibility that comes with marriage and having kids. Try and see the positives, instead of the negatives...

 

Look into free courses, so you have time to learn about things you love! Take up a hobby, do photography or something.

[Mz. Pixie]

Counseling is just cheaper than divorce.

 

What would you do if you divorced??? You'd have to finance a retainer or borrow it from family.

 

The same investment should be worth it to save your marriage.

 

I'm wondering if perhaps this just isn't an excuse to confront the real issues?? We've already told you about some free sites you both could post on- surely you can do that?? There are also some books you guys could purchase and work together.

 

Dr Phil has relationship rescue and there are workbooks to go with that. You can get it all for under $100.00.

[InaPanic]

Instead of saying sorry all the time, do it in action.

 

OK, is it possible to borrow money? I really think that you need that help, professionally, so seeking therapy-even at a cheap cost will only help you. You and your husband can make sacrifices when comes to $$, so you two can afford MC and individual counselling. Ask family, I mean, you two need this otherwise life will be harder...Online help is great but it's not doing enough to help and make the progress that you need to get through all this.

 

The addictive part, exciting and all, of the online thing with your MM is what is messing you up now. If you really focus on other things, soon you won't miss it like you do now.

 

Part of being a parent, a mom and a wife is giving up certain things, and yes, you have every right to complain and not be happy doing all that you do for your family, but it IS a responsibility that comes with marriage and having kids. Try and see the positives, instead of the negatives...

 

Look into free courses, so you have time to learn about things you love! Take up a hobby, do photography or something.

 

We have no family to borrow money from, we did a second mortgage on the house years ago, & in an effort to save our business we blew thru our savings/stocks/cd's probably 2 to 3 years ago. We have no savings, no credit & no family with money. We have always been the one family comes to for money & now we don't have it. The money part is not just an excuse, we really are behind on things & need to get caught up before i can go to therapy. I cannot have a car repossesed or house payment fall behind. I have to focus on those things first.

I have decided i am going to check into the low rate therapy. It may be low rate help but i can at least try it & find out. Today, when i posted earlier, i felt very low. I don't like when i feel that way. And it's not fixing itself. So by MOnday I am going to get on the phone & make myself an appt.

The responsibilities of my family have never been anything in the past that i resented or shunned. It's a new thing that started up when i began this affair & i started focusing more on me & then eventually too much on me. And i guess for someone who hasn't focused on 'me' for a long time, honestly, it felt good. And i think that is part of the problem. I did enjoy it but i cannot go back & i realize this & it's hard for me. I don't want to be someone who deserts her kids for some midlife crisis. But i want to get back to where i am content & happy with my life, not feeling like i'm missing out on something more.

[InaPanic]

Counseling is just cheaper than divorce.

 

What would you do if you divorced??? You'd have to finance a retainer or borrow it from family.

 

The same investment should be worth it to save your marriage.

 

I'm wondering if perhaps this just isn't an excuse to confront the real issues?? We've already told you about some free sites you both could post on- surely you can do that?? There are also some books you guys could purchase and work together.

 

Dr Phil has relationship rescue and there are workbooks to go with that. You can get it all for under $100.00.

 

I don't think the financial part is an excuse but i do think i am putting it off for some reason. Maybe i'm afraid of what i will find out about me & my marriage. Maybe i'm embarresed to tell all my dirty little secrets to a complete stranger. Maybe it's because in the past i never had faith in psychology & therapists. I always thought it was mumbo-jumbo for the most part.

 

I do need to tell him about the sites. I actually have mentioned to him that i've done lots of research online. So i'm not stopping him from doing his own, i mean he could if he wanted too. I do not want to tell him about this place. I have spilled my guts here with personal things about myself & about him. First of all i dont' htink he'd like knowing i talk about our sex to everyone & second of all this is kind of my refuge & i don't want to ruin that.

 

I will check out dr. phils site. He has so many books in the self help section it's almost confusing. I have thought about buying myself a self-confidence book. If that could be the issue or one of the issues as to why i did this, then i need to work on that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Have you guys ever thought about chunking the business and just getting regular jobs??

 

I mean sure, everyone wants to be able to work from home and have their own business and love what they do- but in reality it doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you have to cut your losses when you have a family and take something more stable.

 

If it takes that to save your marriage you might need to do that- for the sake of your kids.

[InaPanic]

Have you guys ever thought about chunking the business and just getting regular jobs??

 

I mean sure, everyone wants to be able to work from home and have their own business and love what they do- but in reality it doesn't always work like that. Sometimes you have to cut your losses when you have a family and take something more stable.

 

If it takes that to save your marriage you might need to do that- for the sake of your kids.

 

I wish it were that easy or that we both had educations to fall back on but we don't. Neither of us went to college. We have had these businesses since 1989. That's a lot of time to chuck something. He in particular loves our business. And the one we may have to close does do fairly well, it's just we haven't the money to move it right now. I just don't even want to think about it. It's so depressing on top of everything else right now.

 

I just finished reading Dazed&Confused's thread. It is like a cliffhanger. Does anyone know if he & his wife have remained together?

 

One thing about it disturbed me. He seemed obsessed about knowing all the details & facts. But then when he would find them out it would set him way back. I don't see how this helped anything. My husband hasn't accused me of holding back details. Now that doesn't mean he isn't thinking it. But if he thinks he has all the facts, is it going to benefit anything me suddenly saying to him, well, no i actually sugarcoated that & here is the truth. I just dont' think it would help.

[Mz. Pixie]

But if he thinks he has all the facts, is it going to benefit anything me suddenly saying to him, well, no i actually sugarcoated that & here is the truth. I just dont' think it would help.

 

See, this is why we originally suggested that you come completely clean to him. Because of this very issue.

 

Alot of BS's do not ask details, some are almost obsessed with the details. It just depends on the person, however- if you don't answer his questions to his satisfaction if he does ask them then he is going to know you're lying- and that you lied when you first told him.

 

I do not know if Dazed and his wife stayed together or not. Perhaps someone here on the board emails or PM's with him still.

 

I understand what you are saying about the business- but still your marriage is important.

 

I think you're getting at part of the root of the issue here. You guys are strapped for cash and it's extremely stressful (we also were at the time of my affair due to excessive spending by my ex spouse). You're tired, stressed and at home all day on the computer and the affair was an escape from reality. Even though your H is good to you- you needed to escape from what's going on in your life- and this was a outlet for that.

[whichwayisup]

I just finished reading Dazed&Confused's thread. It is like a cliffhanger. Does anyone know if he & his wife have remained together?

I keep intouch with Dazed and they're still together. I hope that gives you some inspiration. Things aren't perfect, and ofcourse if she ever cheats again (just like anybody else who gave a second chance to their cheating spouse) there will be a divorce.

 

Great idea to look into cheaper therapy. I will tell you that MOST therapists do not judge any clients, so if that is a fear of what the therapist will think of your situation, don't let that prevent you from getting help. It's their JOB to help!

[Mz. Pixie]

Great idea to look into cheaper therapy. I will tell you that MOST therapists do not judge any clients, so if that is a fear of what the therapist will think of your situation, don't let that prevent you from getting help. It's their JOB to help!

 

Actually you're problems probably pale in comparison to some that they see. It just doesn't feel like that to you.

 

I remember after I cheated. I would have never admitted to it to anyone. But I do talk about it from time to time with people now, only when disclosing it would be helpful to others.

 

I never even told my second husband about it until after we were married, because I was so ashamed. He held absolutely no resentment towards me because he knew the place I was in when I did it and what was going on in my marriage to start with.

 

I could sit here and list all the things I've been through in my life and you could see how other peoples lives can be more dysfunctional than yours!

 

And here's another thing about infidelity. It's more widespread than people know about- because people do not talk about it. There are probably more marriages that you know of who have gone through it and survived. It's just not discussed as much- and it was NEVER discussed much in the past- such as in the 40's and 50's.

[InaPanic]

I never even told my second husband about it until after we were married, because I was so ashamed. He held absolutely no resentment towards me because he knew the place I was in when I did it and what was going on in my marriage to start with.

 

And here's another thing about infidelity. It's more widespread than people know about- because people do not talk about it. There are probably more marriages that you know of who have gone through it and survived. It's just not discussed as much- and it was NEVER discussed much in the past- such as in the 40's and 50's.

 

I also worry if i end up single again, how will i ever tell a date or boyfriend why my first marriage broke up? If i am honest then they are going to think bad of me, if i am dishonest, well, there's a way to start a relationship. I guess you just be vague & don't go into details until you know if this person needs to know the facts.

 

There was one friend of mine, not a dear friend but someone i've known for awhile but don't see very often. She called one day before i told my husband & i was in tears & she was talking to me & without me even saying she guessed what was wrong & said she'd been there before. I was shocked. She had an affair & her husband found out & they have stayed together. She didn't go into details & we haven't talked since then but i would have never guessed this woman would have done that. It didn't make me feel better but it did let me see i'm human and so are a lot of other people.

 

Today at the school pick up for my youngest i was talking to a teacher, one i like very very much, she had asked me about my weight loss the other day & mentioned that having a nervous breakdown helped me lose some & i laughed. We started talking today about meds, etc. & the side effects & before i know it i'm misty eyed & telling her that i also have personal issues going on that i did something really stupid & my marriage may end. As soon as i did it i thought, wtf???? Why did tell her this?? I have no idea why i did that. Except that i have been in a bad place the last couple days & sometimes when i'm like that & someone is nice to me, well, i guess i just sang like a bird today. I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me. For god's sake this is my daughters school!

 

My husband & I talked on the phone today for awhile. Both of us crying, him more than me even. I finally did ask him if he felt like he would ever be able to forgive me & put this behind him. He said he wonders that a lot & he's not sure he can. He also said to me 'i gave you all the love i had, i treated you as well as i possibly could but it wasn't enough so what hope do i have it will be enough now & you won't do this again 6 months down the road'. I didn't know what to say to him. I know he needs reassurance but i just dont think it's right for me to be telling him what i'm not feeling. I doubt MYSELF right now, i have no trust or faith or sympathy for myself. I think i am corrupted & immoral. So how can i say to him in a straight face, believable way that 'no, i will never do this again'. I know that's what he needs to hear. Should i just say it anyway? Even tho i'm so confused about my own life & if we should even stay together? I'm not sure what is right & what is wrong in this case. We promised each other we would be honest about our feelings & emotions thru this. So i don't want to just tell him what i think he wants to hear. But i know he needs it so bad.

[whichwayisup]

My husband & I talked on the phone today for awhile. Both of us crying, him more than me even. I finally did ask him if he felt like he would ever be able to forgive me & put this behind him. He said he wonders that a lot & he's not sure he can. He also said to me 'i gave you all the love i had, i treated you as well as i possibly could but it wasn't enough so what hope do i have it will be enough now & you won't do this again 6 months down the road'. I didn't know what to say to him. I know he needs reassurance but i just dont think it's right for me to be telling him what i'm not feeling. I doubt MYSELF right now, i have no trust or faith or sympathy for myself. I think i am corrupted & immoral. So how can i say to him in a straight face, believable way that 'no, i will never do this again'. I know that's what he needs to hear. Should i just say it anyway? Even tho i'm so confused about my own life & if we should even stay together? I'm not sure what is right & what is wrong in this case. We promised each other we would be honest about our feelings & emotions thru this. So i don't want to just tell him what i think he wants to hear. But i know he needs it so bad.

 

Could you see yourself cheating again? Can you make yourself a promise NEVER to cheat again? If you cannot do that now and you feel stuck in your marriage, can't see a future or even a glimmer of hope that things will improve, then maybe you two need to separate.

 

He DOES need to hear reassurance from you, and honestly, I'm not sure if you really want things to work out.

 

IF you do, first of all you MUST forgive yourself for your own mistakes and take it from there. You feeling sorry for yourself all the time and worrying about the future or any other relationships that may occur in the future is pointless! Deal with what's happening NOW, not a year or two down the road.

[Mz. Pixie]

He DOES need to hear reassurance from you, and honestly, I'm not sure if you really want things to work out.

 

 

Me either- there are too many objections thrown out here.

 

I truly believe you just want an escape from reality.