cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[whichwayisup]

I keep wondering... why is everyone so freakin' judgmental on this site? Is it because of personal experiences that are coming through in various posts? "You didn't tell him because you didn't love him enough to tell him." What is that? And since when do we have one definition of love??

 

Sometimes the truth hurts, doesn't it.

 

Sal P's post may be harsh, but sometimes it's these types of harsh posts that actually reach out, affect people and make them change - For the better. And they're usually quite thankful for it later on.

[LadyGuest]

Amazing isn't it?

 

Has it ever crossed some people's minds that the reason they are on here is because they are the injured party and have a grievance against the OM or OW. Why? Well because they know what happened. The light has been shone in their eyes. "I found out about my hubby and I am hurt" argument and "its awful". OK, but what about those of us who have not wanted to cause upset to our other halves by spilling the beans.

 

Whether or not I was living a dual love-life as long as I did is frankly irrelevant to the situation as my husband is blissfully unaware and my OM died a year ago and my husband will never know. What is the point of telling him except to perhaps make me feel better. Or to make those annoyed women in here feel that I get what I deserve- which is? A very unhappy husband. I don't think so. Do I owe it to him to cause him that? No, the opposite, I owe it to him to say nothing and put it behind me.

 

This is the thread about those who did not tell their spouse. I didn't and I won't.

[Flyin in Clouds]

And to think it could one of our wives...who knows what brought her to this position. And I actually agree with her...there probably is no purpose to tell her husband.

Yeah, husbands are such saps, such fools. Better to assume all wives are cheaters so we can go out and cheat with a clear conscience.

 

Now if this particularly lady doesn't mind if her husband did the same to her, then fine, they can have any kind of marriage they want. But her husband is a human being and he deserves better. Much better.

 

Each to her own. I would argue, right or wrong, that the only reasons to tell an unsuspecting husband is to get rid of, or even share one's own guilt feelings. I cannot imagine any other reason. This is even more so after the OM relationship is finished.

So Lady is that the way you would want your H to treat you? Have a 20 year affair with an OW (or two or three) and never tell you? Put you at risk for STDs and never tell you. I doubt that is how you would want to be treated.

 

The fact that you can't imagine any other reason speaks volumes for the lack of respect you have for your husband. ...

 

Yeah, like Sal said...

 

I keep wondering... why is everyone so freakin' judgmental on this site? Is it because of personal experiences that are coming through in various posts? "You didn't tell him because you didn't love him enough to tell him." What is that? And since when do we have one definition of love??

 

Well it's the truth. She doesn't love her H and that's the truth. And the problem in the world isn't being too judgemental but not judgemental enough. If some behavior was considered shameful and the shameful were publically shamed maybe people would behave better instead of risking public humliation.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... OK, but what about those of us who have not wanted to cause upset to our other halves by spilling the beans.

 

Whether or not I was living a dual love-life as long as I did is frankly irrelevant to the situation as my husband is blissfully unaware

and my OM died a year ago and my husband will never know.

 

Yeap, he's a fool alright. And you've got some kind of love, if one could call it that.

 

What is the point of telling him except to perhaps make me feel better.

And if he had a lover would you want to know? Probably not.

 

 

Or to make those annoyed women in here feel that I get what I deserve- which is? A very unhappy husband. I don't think so. Do I owe it to him to cause him that? No, the opposite, I owe it to him to say nothing and put it behind me.

You are owed nothing. He is owed much.

 

This is the thread about those who did not tell their spouse. I didn't and I won't.

All I can say is I hope he did the very same thing to you. You've cheated him out of the very pleasures you've enjoyed. I find that disgusting and entirely selfish.

 

Of course maybe your husband has had an affair - and you'll never know.

[LadyGuest]

 

 

All I can say is I hope he did the very same thing to you. You've cheated him out of the very pleasures you've enjoyed. I find that disgusting and entirely selfish.

 

Of course maybe your husband has had an affair - and you'll never know.

 

That's ok- you are on here with a gripe. You are upset. Looking for someone to rail against because of your own situation. I can take it.

 

You are quite right, I will never know. We get on just fine, thanks, whether you like that or, as it seems, not. It is complete tosh to say I have cheated him out of pleasures I have enjoyed- where you get your ideas from is perhaps indicated in your nickname.

 

It is far from selfish to protect someone from unnecessary hurt. The opposite. I know you would like him to know because that's your form of retribution. He is happy- so am I actually- and I don't think I feel any inclination to take your advice and change that.

[greeneyes78]

That's ok- you are on here with a gripe. You are upset. Looking for someone to rail against because of your own situation. I can take it.

 

You are quite right, I will never know. We get on just fine, thanks, whether you like that or, as it seems, not. It is complete tosh to say I have cheated him out of pleasures I have enjoyed- where you get your ideas from is perhaps indicated in your nickname.

 

It is far from selfish to protect someone from unnecessary hurt. The opposite. I know you would like him to know because that's your form of retribution. He is happy- so am I actually- and I don't think I feel any inclination to take your advice and change that.

 

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bigmil]

The most important and significant thing in life that you can ever do is to love another and commit yourself to a life with that person. Cheaters are thinking of only one person -- themselves. It's incredibly selfish and wrong. I find it disgusting that many of these cheaters try to paint themselves as the victim. They talk of the pain they feel and how difficult it is for them.

If you've cheated the only way to evolve from that incredibly selfish act is to come clean with your SO. I have never been cheated on (that Im aware of) and I would never cheat because I respect the bond that I have with my girlfriend.

It's a concsious decision to cheat. For me if a girl ever cheated on me she is done. I would immediately be done with her. To imagine a marriage and especially with children where someone cheats makes me want to vomit. To know that there are people out there that do this is sobering.

I beleive that cheating on a spouse is tantamount to murder. It's among the highest forms of criminal activity against the basic universals of human nature.

You cannot undervalue long term love. If there are problems you address them and continue. When you have a life mate, your life is no longer about YOU. YOU is gone. It becomes US. What the hell is wrong with you people?

I can only pray that I never run into women of your selfish and morally deficient state.

Once again my perspective is from a guy that has always had adoring, loyal girlfriends and I have never been hurt by a girl cheating so I'm not writing this from a jaded perspective. I'm writing this from the perspective of a man that loves deeply and understands the basic nature of human relationships.

[bigmil]

InaPanic I actually read your entire post as it was interesting although very depressing. A few things in your posts came through "between the lines"

 

1)you want to be single

2)you are very selfish

3)you have low self-esteem

4)you are not educated/knowledgeable

5)you strive to paint yourself as the victim

6)you do not love your husband

7)you are not sexually attracted to your husband

8)you do not deserve your husband

9)you have destroyed your marriage

10)you have destroyed the self-esteem of your children for years to come

11)you have destroyed the lives of everyone around you

12)if you had lost the weight years ago you would have been cheating because your nature is promiscuos

13)you do not understand the great value of real love

14)YOU and you alone are responsible for your current reality

 

Sorry to be harsh but it's the truth. I would give you credit for telling your husband I beleive the only reason you did that was because you really wanted out of the marriage.

[Flyin in Clouds]

That's ok- you are on here with a gripe. You are upset. Looking for someone to rail against because of your own situation. I can take it.

 

No I'm on here because there are people like you in the world. Cheaters that walk around telling everyone what a nice upstanding decent person they really are...

 

I suppose if you could get away with it you'd rob a bank too. After all if nobody knew why not?

 

You are quite right, I will never know. We get on just fine, thanks, whether you like that or, as it seems, not. It is complete tosh to say I have cheated him out of pleasures I have enjoyed-

Has he enjoyed other women then?

 

It is far from selfish to protect someone from unnecessary hurt. The opposite.

You can rationalize your immoral behavior any way you want. That doesn't change what it is.

 

I know you would like him to know because that's your form of retribution. He is happy- so am I actually- and I don't think I feel any inclination to take your advice and change that.

So what's the story Lady? Why did you feel compeled to cheat? How did your H mistreat you?

 

And so you let him be the fool, thinking he's married to some virtuous woman when he isn't.

 

All I can say is I hope he's playing the same game on you.

[Flyin in Clouds]

So let me make sure I really understand this lady and greeneyes.

 

It is perfectly OK if a man cheats on his wife, so long as his wife never finds out? So long as he's really good about lying about it it's OK? That's good to know.

 

Guys - just make sure your wife never knows and your good to go...

[Flyin in Clouds]

... Cheaters are thinking of only one person -- themselves. It's incredibly selfish and wrong. I find it disgusting that many of these cheaters try to paint themselves as the victim. They talk of the pain they feel and how difficult it is for them.

...

 

Right on. everything bigmil said.

[mental_traveller]

Each to her own. I would argue, right or wrong, that the only reasons to tell an unsuspecting husband is to get rid of, or even share one's own guilt feelings. I cannot imagine any other reason. This is even more so after the OM relationship is finished.

 

The other reason to tell is so that he is not deceived as to the true nature of yourself and his marriage. He has the right to know if he has been betrayed and cheated on, so he can arrange his life based on the true facts, not a web of lies and deceit.

 

Of course, that would require paying attention to his rights, and placing them above your own self-interest.

[mental_traveller]

Amazing isn't it?

 

Has it ever crossed some people's minds that the reason they are on here is because they are the injured party and have a grievance against the OM or OW. Why? Well because they know what happened. The light has been shone in their eyes. "I found out about my hubby and I am hurt" argument and "its awful". OK, but what about those of us who have not wanted to cause upset to our other halves by spilling the beans.

 

The way to avoid causing the upset is to not have the affair in the first place. Or, if one succumbed to temptation, to at least put an immediate stop to it, rather than continue for 2 decades.

 

Your husband is unaware, but he has been fooled. If you steal from someon and they never find out, they have still been wronged and made worse off. Same if you cheat on someone and get away with it. Your husband is a cuckold, married to a cheat of a wife, solely as a result of your actions. Just because he doesn't realise how badly he has been betrayed, does not mean that the betrayal has not occured.

[Guest]

No I'm on here because there are people like you in the world. Cheaters that walk around telling everyone what a nice upstanding decent person they really are...

 

I suppose if you could get away with it you'd rob a bank too. After all if nobody knew why not?

 

And so you let him be the fool, thinking he's married to some virtuous woman when he isn't.

 

 

In the first point you make I can see you are on a moral crusade here. I expect you are a big supporter of capital punishment too.How do you know why people do and say what they do- you are only interested in the fact that other people don't share your views. We are all different, don't all share your perfection and don't all judge people by your attitudes.

 

Robbing a bank is a criminal offence and irrelevant. I suppose you would be happier under Sharia laws which stone female adulterers. Religion can be extreme wherever in the world you are, including in the deepest USA.

 

Finally my husband is not a fool- who says he is- you?

[Layla]

I haven't actually read through all the posts so I may repeat things that were said in other posts.

 

my opinion on cheating and telling your partner: Do NOT tell her/him! I have a very clear opinion on this because telling your partner doesn't make you a better person! The cheating and lying was done when you were unfaithful, nothing can make that unhappen! YOU have to live with feeling guilty.... it's not your partner's problem.

 

My experience: the moment you find out that your partner was unfaithful the relationship is over because: you can NEVER trust him again, you feel hurt, unloved, ugly, useless, upset etc etc and you cannot talk to your partner about it because it was him causing all the pain! It's awful and telling your partner doesn't do anything good because a) it ends the relationship and b) it destroys the person you're with! The crime has been done, why tell it? In order to be honest to your partner?! Well, you weren't in the first place so forget it....

 

The only thing that helps: truly regret(!), feel guilty and try and do anything possible that it won't happen again. If you want your relationship to continue, this is.... if you cheated because you don't want to be with your partner in the long run, you should break up. But still don't tell her /him....

[Flyin in Clouds]

In the first point you make I can see you are on a moral crusade here. I expect you are a big supporter of capital punishment too.

Yes.

 

 

How do you know why people do and say what they do- you are only interested in the fact that other people don't share your views. We are all different, don't all share your perfection and don't all judge people by your attitudes.

No we are all the same. We all are all human, meaning we all have free will to choose to do good or evil. Yes, we have superfical diffrences, we may like to eat different foods but we all must eat and that makes us more alike than different.

 

Robbing a bank is a criminal offence and irrelevant.

Theft is a moral offense as well as "criminal" offense.

 

And the point is that if one is willing to commit the ultimate "offense" against their spouse, how much more likely to commit any other moral or criminal offense against others that aren't nearly as important as a spouse? If a man cheats on his wife what keeps him from cheating his business partners?

 

I suppose you would be happier under Sharia laws which stone female adulterers.

No, but I could live with it so long as male adulterers were likewise stoned... I hope you get the gist of that.

 

I don't think stoning is appopriate for adultery, but whatever the "punishment" is, the same should apply to both men and women that commit adultery.

 

Finally my husband is not a fool- who says he is- you?

If you are cheating on him and he doesn't know then yes I'd say he's a fool being fooled. What would you say he is, if you are deceiving him? I mean if you are cheating on him and getting away with it he can't be very bright can he? Do you respect him for trusting you when you shouldn't be trusted? Do you look up to him as a man because you are cheating on him? Really, what is your opinion of man whose wife fools around on him and he hasn't a clue? Husbands are always the last to know aren't they? Husbands are such trusting fools.

 

the moment you find out that your partner was unfaithful the relationship is over because: you can NEVER trust him again, you feel hurt, unloved, ugly, useless, upset etc etc and you cannot talk to your partner about it because it was him causing all the pain!

Huh. Well, then figure this, because he's not going to tell you just assume he has cheated on you because in all likelyhood he has. Why kid yourself?

 

But still don't tell her /him....

Now there's a relationship worth having. One built on lies and secrets. That's the kind of relationship I sure want... NOT!

 

And if you tought about if for a second Layla you wouldn't want a relationship like that either.

[Sup]

 

Finally my husband is not a fool- who says he is- you?

 

No, because YOU already have, by and through YOUR actions, and YOUR unwillingness to tell your husband!

[greeneyes78]

So let me make sure I really understand this lady and greeneyes.

 

It is perfectly OK if a man cheats on his wife, so long as his wife never finds out? So long as he's really good about lying about it it's OK? That's good to know.

 

Guys - just make sure your wife never knows and your good to go...

 

While I can't speak for the other poster, that's not what I meant at all. No one said that cheating was admirable. But they've obviously maintained a happy marriage (at least that's what it sounds like) and I just don't understand how telling him now, after all these years, would be beneficial to him. If anything, I'd say that telling him at this point would be almost selfish... like, hey, I want to get this off my chest so that I can live without this horrible secret... You do realize that this would absolutely crush the man?

[JamesM]

1)you want to be single

2)you are very selfish

3)you have low self-esteem

4)you are not educated/knowledgeable

5)you strive to paint yourself as the victim

6)you do not love your husband

7)you are not sexually attracted to your husband

8)you do not deserve your husband

9)you have destroyed your marriage

10)you have destroyed the self-esteem of your children for years to come

11)you have destroyed the lives of everyone around you

12)if you had lost the weight years ago you would have been cheating because your nature is promiscuos

13)you do not understand the great value of real love

14)YOU and you alone are responsible for your current reality

 

Sorry to be harsh but it's the truth.

 

Bigmil, once again we have someone confusing truth with opinion. Let me explain. All of the above "truths" are opinions except maybe number eleven. Everyone's opinion is welcome here, but none of us have walked in the other's shoes..so we help each other best if we give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Everyone comes here looking for help...no one deserves degradation even if they have screwed up. For all of us, yesterday is past...today is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.. No one said that cheating was admirable.

 

I said OK... as in "while not the most admirable thing I've ever done, as long as my SO doesn't know, as long as they can be blissfully ignorant while living in a lie... it's OK do that to someone. I'll be noble and spare them the pain of knowing the kind of person I really am and who they are living with cause that will be better for them. After all I know what's best for them and fooling them is a good thing."

 

But they've obviously maintained a happy marriage (at least that's what it sounds like) and I just don't understand how telling him now, after all these years, would be beneficial to him.

Is this the way you would want to be treated? Your man cheats on you for years and never tells you? You'd be perfectly happy with that? OK... that's good to know.

 

You do realize that this would absolutely crush the man?

Yes I know what it would do. But I still think people deserve to be treated with honesty, respect, and truthfulness from their partners. Obviously some people don't think that's impotant.

 

And if the marriage was so "happy" why did she cheat?

[JamesM]

Yes I know what it would do. But I still think people deserve to be treated with honesty, respect, and truthfulness from their partners. Obviously some people don't think that's impotant.

 

Was that a typo and which word was that? Impotent or important? JK

 

Is this the way you would want to be treated? Your man cheats on you for years and never tells you? You'd be perfectly happy with that? OK... that's good to know.

 

FIC, I know where you are coming from, and I definitely can see the other side. Truthfully. if an affair that had lasted twenty years was now over, and I never knew about it, I am not sure I would want to know about it. And yes, if I did, I would be out of there. And if I never did, ignorance may be bliss. Taking that a step farther, should we be wondering that our wives or husbands right now is in the middle of a longterm affair or was in one? How do we know that our partners truly ARE being honest with us? I guess it comes down to one word...trust.

 

So, this is a tricky one. The purpose of knowing is strictly for the purpose of revenge. What I hear is that if your wife never told you...and she may not be telling you...you would be angry because you could not treat her with the anger and lack of respect she deserves for her infidelity.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...so we help each other best if we give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. ...For all of us, yesterday is past...today is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

 

One can only receive constructive criticism if one is willing to face unpleasant truths about one's self.

 

And yesterday is past... but the past is the key that unlocks our future.

 

Everything we have done (and not done), affects what we do and will do.

 

OK, these are my opinions of the "truths"..

 

truths.

2)you are very selfish

3)you have low self-esteem

6)you do not love your husband

8)you do not deserve your husband

9)you have destroyed your marriage

10)you have destroyed the self-esteem of your children for years to come

11)you have destroyed the lives of everyone around you

13)you do not understand the great value of real love

14)YOU and you alone are responsible for your current reality

 

maybe truths...

1)you want to be single

7)you are not sexually attracted to your husband

12)if you had lost the weight years ago you would have been cheating because your nature is promiscuos

[mental_traveller]

I just don't understand how telling him now, after all these years, would be beneficial to him.

 

Shouldn't that be his decision to make, not the cheating wife or neutral observer? After all, it's him who has been tricked and lied to. Now, there are some people who will say to you, if my spouse is cheating then I would rather not know, especially if it's in the past. In that case then clearly it's better not to tell. But if they have said that they demand honesty and faithfulness, then you have a moral obligation to tell them. They have told you they want the truth, and by marrying them you've consented to give it to them. So, stick to your bargain, do the honourable thing and confess, as they would wish. You owe it to them to tell them the truth, so they don't have to spend any more time than necessary in a big lie of a relationship.

[aprilrain]

Tell him..why should you take all the blame?......let him go true the hell as much as you are going through.............even though everyone may blame you for what you did ...but in reality he was the one who pushed you into another's arm....and if you did that once........ you for sure will do it with another man soon or later and that is seriously sick and wrong............so go ahead and put everything on the table and tell your husband ...he will either take it or just leave.........

 

I may sound so harsh ......but a woman who cheats is different than a man who does that.....women cheat for other reasons .......

women are not doing it for sex.... we all know that ......women are doing it for the sake of love and friendship ......and it is obvious that their spouses have not been what they are looking for........a lover and a friend

 

you should get divorce and get on with your life.........a husband that pushes you into a stranger's arms does not really love you anyway...........

 

you have to be with some one that you know when you are with him you need no one else on the earth .....that is what I call LOVE.........

[whichwayisup]

even though everyone may blame you for what you did ...but in reality he was the one who pushed you into another's arm....

 

Huh? It still is a CHOICE to go outside the marriage. No matter how crappy one's marriage is or how unhappy one is, doesn't give a person the right to go and cheat.