cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[michelangelo]

He is processing the anger and disappointment he feels towards you because you cheated.

 

I think you ought to read that same book. He's trying to use it to process things.

 

If it has only been 2 weeks since you told him, my god, you two have only begun this journey to recover.

 

I don't think you ought to be annoyed with his reactions at this point.

[whichwayisup]

Every day, maybe every hour is going to be a rollercoaster ride. All you can do is keep telling him what he needs to hear, answer ALL questions, even if it's painful for him to hear, and for you tell him. DO it anyway.

 

I agree with Michelangelo 100%, you can't be annoyed with his reactions. They are justified and he has every right to be pissed at you, and hurt. That's to be expected...

 

2 weeks is not a long time at all. Some say it could take up to 2 years to get the marriage good again, so I hope you're willing to be patient and work your tail off to make it right. YOU are the one who has to do most of the work here, not him. Together you two make the choice to battle this out, no matter what..... And I'm sure there will be days you'll want to throw in the towel - DON'T! Those are the days you go to therapy and work even harder.

[norajane]

He was very upset. After we hung up I was very upset & back to being doubtful about us.

 

It seems since he bought this book, Surviving Infidelity, it has made him sadder & angrier. Is this normal? Is this good? Or should he put the book away? Not that I would tell him to do that.

 

What kind of reaction would you like him to have? What would fill you with hope rather than doubt?

[silktricks]

If it has only been 2 weeks since you told him, my god, you two have only begun this journey to recover.

 

I don't think you ought to be annoyed with his reactions at this point.

If he's still feeling this bad in two YEARS, then you may have the privilege of getting a little annoyed, but two weeks? gimme a break. If my husband had been upset with my reactions two WEEKS into it, our marriage would most certainly have been over.

 

Even now, 2.5 years later I have moments of anguish over what occurred, and the two of them weren't even physical!

[InaPanic]

 

I don't think you ought to be annoyed with his reactions at this point.

 

i guess the way i worded it made it appear i was annoyed at him..not at all..jsut concerned if it was doing more damage than good. Not annoyed in the slightest. How could i be annoyed at him for ANY of this??? please don't think that.

[whichwayisup]

The book ofcourse will have influences, but I think for his sake, it's a positive thing because he may be seeing things more in a different light. He can understand his reactions are completely normal and people in these situations react very similar and go through certain stages. The book also will help him gain insight into what to do next, or not what to do.

[InaPanic]

The book ofcourse will have influences, but I think for his sake, it's a positive thing because he may be seeing things more in a different light. He can understand his reactions are completely normal and people in these situations react very similar and go through certain stages. The book also will help him gain insight into what to do next, or not what to do.

 

That is how i felt at first. i was very happy he bought the book & thought it would help him to deal with the situation. But everytime he comes away from reading it he is sad & has obviously been crying. I know that should be common sense to me that it is going to happen but I just hate to see him suffering more.

I know there is a big part of me that wants it to all go away & for us to just ignore the ugly horrible thing i did & that is not going to happen. If either of us attempt at burying it & ignoring it then it will only pop up later in our marriage. It has to be dealt with & I am trying to do that & so is he.

At the moment, i just feel like we are growing further apart. I have heard some people say that they end up being closer as a couple. I keep trying to remember that. Tell myself it may be able to go back & be stronger & not just dwell on the negative. I am by nature, a pessimist so it is hard for me to be positive. My H on the other hand has always be so positive about things. I do believe I may have caused a change in him & I hate myself for that.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is ride it out, take the good days and enjoy them, and when the bad days hit, accept them as just that. YOU have to be more positive, try your best. Even if you don't like it, you have to. I think if your husband keeps seeing IN ACTION not only in words, how much you're willing to work your tail off to make things right again, it will help.

 

You just have to let him handle things his way. IF reading an infidelity book is going to help him, let him do it...Even though he reacts to it, good or bad, he has to do this for himself.

 

Together you both can work on the marriage, to improve it. Things will never be the same, but by choice, you both can make the marriage better and stronger.

[norajane]

That is how i felt at first. i was very happy he bought the book & thought it would help him to deal with the situation. But everytime he comes away from reading it he is sad & has obviously been crying. I know that should be common sense to me that it is going to happen but I just hate to see him suffering more.

 

Consider that he's already feeling sad and already feels like crying before he picks up the book, and that reading it helps him understand his feelings and allows him to release some of them...instead of bottling them up or releasing them out in anger onto you. He's suffering already; the book isn't making him suffer more, but is allowing him to process the suffering.

[Sup]

Your husband may also be feeling like a failer for this mess, he may feel what did I do wrong? That alone is enough to tear a man apart. I feel he may be racking his brain trying to figure out where HE went wrong, I feel this may be some of it.

[Sup]

I dunno if your hubby has talked to a lawyer yet, but if he does, he may find out about if he can file an AOA lawsuit against OM. (Alienation of Affection) I think that's it. But it depends from state to state. If he goes that route it may be wise to comply fully with your husband should it arise.

[norajane]

I dunno if your hubby has talked to a lawyer yet, but if he does, he may find out about if he can file an AOA lawsuit against OM. (Alienation of Affection) I think that's it. But it depends from state to state. If he goes that route it may be wise to comply fully with your husband should it arise.

 

I'd not heard of AOA, so googled.

 

The only states where this lawsuit can still be brought are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. All the other states have abolished it either by statute or case law.

 

I read about a case where a man was awarded $500,000 in March of 2000 when his wife had an A with their kids' ball coach. Interesting concept. I wonder if more people were aware this was possible, if OM's and OW's would reconsider getting involved with married people. I'll bet the ball coach had no idea he'd be legally and financially liable for his actions.

[InaPanic]

the times we have touched on divorce he has said he would never use the kids against me or tell them what i did. he has said he'd let me keep the house with the kids. I honestly don't think he'd try to be ugly if it comes to that. Of course people can get mad & totally change. I would never, ever try to take him to the cleaners as so many men get in divorce. I would hope, as i have said to him, that for the kids & ourselves that we could have as friendly a divorce as humanly possible. Even then it would be tramatic for the children but not nearly as much as if the parents hate each other & talk about each other to the the kids, etc.

I do think he blames himself in a lot of ways Sup. I always try to reassure him that he couldn't have treated me better or been a better husband. But i also think there must be something missing for me to have done this, so as i've said before, i don't want to mislead him now into thinking it was all perfect & i am wanting perfect again because i am as confused as he is as to what is going on with me.

[Rooster_DAR]

There is not enough laws to penalize affairs, and broken vows. I think they there should be stiff laws for people who venture out of this kind of commitent. My idea, there should be a website that posts who they are, where they live, and what they did. Similar to how sex offenders are made publicly available.

 

[InaPanic]

There is not enough laws to penalize affairs, and broken vows. I think they there should be stiff laws for people who venture out of this kind of commitent. My idea, there should be a website that posts who they are, where they live, and what they did. Similar to how sex offenders are made publicly available.

 

 

 

You have GOT to be joking Rooster. You surely cannot compare what i have done to someone who rapes a woman or molests a child.

Dang, i feel bad enough about myself but this is something else. To think my picture should be put up on the internet to warn off any future men of what a predator i am.

People are human and as human we all make mistakes & Rooster maybe you have never cheated but i doubt you have lived your life perfectly & without any regret at all. I understand that you must have been very hurt by someone out there & I am so sorry for whatever pain that was caused to you because no one deserves what my husband got.

Just try to remember people can regret what they have done & sometimes we do things we NEVER thought we would be capable or want to do.

[Rooster_DAR]

I was not attacking you or what you did, I was just simply implying people need to be accountable for their actions. If the marriage vows are to be held sacred, then for crap sake stick by the promise or don't get married. Going outside of your commitment and intentionally hiding it, keeping your S/O hanging on, is very selfish and causes people lot's of pain that can be damaging to all parties involved.

 

Simple as that!

[Sup]

You have GOT to be joking Rooster. You surely cannot compare what i have done to someone who rapes a woman or molests a child.

Dang, i feel bad enough about myself but this is something else. To think my picture should be put up on the internet to warn off any future men of what a predator i am.

People are human and as human we all make mistakes & Rooster maybe you have never cheated but i doubt you have lived your life perfectly & without any regret at all. I understand that you must have been very hurt by someone out there & I am so sorry for whatever pain that was caused to you because no one deserves what my husband got.

Just try to remember people can regret what they have done & sometimes we do things we NEVER thought we would be capable or want to do.

 

It's too bad you didn't regret it before the affair, otherwise it would/may not have happened. I'm surprised that your husband would let you keep the house, I'm not sure why. Not to be nosy or anything, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but did you have relations with OM in your house? I figured that might be why hubby may have wanted you to have the house, I was just wondering:confused:

[InaPanic]

I was not attacking you or what you did, I was just simply implying people need to be accountable for their actions. If the marriage vows are to be held sacred, then for crap sake stick by the promise or don't get married. Going outside of your commitment and intentionally hiding it, keeping your S/O hanging on, is very selfish and causes people lot's of pain that can be damaging to all parties involved.

 

Simple as that!

 

i agree with everything you are saying here. I didn't stick by the promise after 18 years of doing so. i have caused a lot of pain for both of us, more him than me.

 

Sup, no i didn't have the OM in my house at all. He isn't from around here so when we met it was out of town. He would give me the house because that's the kind of guy he is. He's a wonderful human being.

It is hard to regret something before you do it. Hindsight & all that. If everyone could see what their actions are going to cause ahead of time then plenty of mistakes in all kinds of situations could be avoided. When i got into this i thought i had it all under control, thought i could stop it at any time, thought the only person who stood a chance of getting hurt was OM. All of this came crashing down on me after it became physical & i realized the enormity of what i had done. Up until then i felt totally in control of my life & my emotions. Did not think my H would ever have to know & didn't think it would affect me the way it did.

[Rooster_DAR]

InaPanic, it sounds like you are doing the right things now. Look, I know people make mistakes, and I know I have made some as well. I've had to pay for my mistakes with brutal honesty, and took my lumps for what I've done. Your husband sounds like a real catch, and I hope you guys make it through this and I truly wish you all the luck in the world.

[Sup]

i agree with everything you are saying here. I didn't stick by the promise after 18 years of doing so. i have caused a lot of pain for both of us, more him than me.

 

Sup, no i didn't have the OM in my house at all. He isn't from around here so when we met it was out of town. He would give me the house because that's the kind of guy he is. He's a wonderful human being.

It is hard to regret something before you do it. Hindsight & all that. If everyone could see what their actions are going to cause ahead of time then plenty of mistakes in all kinds of situations could be avoided. When i got into this i thought i had it all under control, thought i could stop it at any time, thought the only person who stood a chance of getting hurt was OM. All of this came crashing down on me after it became physical & i realized the enormity of what i had done. Up until then i felt totally in control of my life & my emotions. Did not think my H would ever have to know & didn't think it would affect me the way it did.

 

That is real nice of him, I dunno, maybe it's just me, but to me it's like he pays and pays and pays for someone elses mistake, and gives up his home, to me that's messed up, to me he's already paid way too much. Not trying to make you feel guilty, but hey that's the way I see it.

[Ladyjane14]

The mistake has already been made. It's gone, and you can't call it back in order to make a different choice. Life doesn't have a 'rewind' button.

 

But that doesn't mean your marriage is necessarily over. I just want you to know that LOTS of marriages do recover from this. Have some hope. It's free for the taking.

 

I'm sure you've probably been pointed to marriagebuilders.com, but maybe a review of the material in the Basic Concepts section, as well as the HT Survive Infidelity section might help you feel a little more upbeat and confident.

[Rooster_DAR]

I concur. If you can make it through this crisis, you can truly say that your relationship is a survivor, and you beat the odds of today's society that gives up. I really hope you guys can find that "True Love" built on forgiveness, and the ability to transgress through all that life throws at you. I know that is something I would love to take to the grave with me.

 

[InaPanic]

Sup, i think he's thinking about the children when it comes to the house. He even said something about us maybe getting an apt we could split & when he's with the kids he's at the house & then when i am with kids, i am at the house. I honestly don't think that arrangement would work for long.

 

I'm feeling very negative. I know this is not how i should be feeling but I cannot stop it. I am thinking more & more that maybe we need a trial seperation but i hesitate to do that for the children's sake. I feel so completely different, i feel almost further from him now than i did before i told him. i am different & now he acts different. I just wish i hadn't told him, then at least he'd be the same & maybe it would be easier to go back to normal. idk. the past couple days have not been good ones for either one of us. I'm finding more & more that I am happy when he goes to work or leaves for whatever reason because then i don't have to be around him. This is never how i was in the past prior to the A, i wanted him around as much as possible. But now i wonder did i want him around so he could do things i needed done around the house? to help me out with the kids to give me a break? or did i want him around because i enjoyed spending time with him & enjoyed his company. i cannot get over how i am still so confused. add to that his confusion & I guess that's why i am feeling so negative.

[whichwayisup]

I think you both need IC and MC and soon!

 

And, neither of you should be making any decisions right now, it's all too fresh and emotional.

 

And please, start focussing on the positives, like your children you two have together. PUT them first for a while, before your needs and your husband's. I'm sure they are picking up on the negative energy in the house, they aren't stupid. Keep those conversations between you and your husband away from the house, go for a walk or something, just don't get into anything while the kids are there, even upstairs...Kids listen and don't think that they don't!

[InaPanic]

I am very careful in front of the kids. My oldest is 13 so i know she could pick up on things & may possibly have already. When we talk it's either when they aren't here or in the bedroom with the door shut.

 

Do you all think people should stay married for the sake of children?

 

I love my husband, as i've said, i'm just questioning how. I do'nt want either of us to try to stay together for the kids sake & end up resenting each other or hating each other. If we have to divorce i'd rather do that & have an amicable relationship than stay together & end up mean & ugly to each other in front of kids.

 

I just wish i could wake up back in May so I wouldn't do anything I did.

 

I did have someone say to me today that maybe this affair was a good thing. That it opened my eyes up to my life & is making me re-evaluate things to see what i really need. I don't know if i was just fat, dumb & happy before the affair i think i'd personally like to go back to that ignorance over this confusion.