cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Sup]

For some reason, Sup, i figured you would

 

In response to THAT, I will tell you the fact one of MY parents has messed around, even for years, I will not say whom, but let ME just tell you that I got to find out about it at school by my fellow classmates, NOTHING WILL EVER PREPARE YOU FOR THAT! As a teenager in front of my whole class, and teacher, I heard one or two classmates say that they saw said parent out with someone else. The embarrasement and shame I felt that day YOU COULD NEVER KNOW! I hope your girls NEVER find out, it's horrible. I did NOT deserve to find out like that, NO ONE DOES. I found out years later that stuff like that has been going on for years, I'm not sure if said parent even knows that I know, or cares. Now that is blunt.

[Sup]

Yes, maybe I agree with other poster, but my above post is reality of what it does to other innocent people when others do not care for their own actions. That is the result. You think that post was harsh? Reality is more Harsh. Just something to think about, I hope I have not offended you in anyway.

[InaPanic]

In response to THAT, I will tell you the fact one of MY parents has messed around, even for years, I will not say whom, but let ME just tell you that I got to find out about it at school by my fellow classmates, NOTHING WILL EVER PREPARE YOU FOR THAT! As a teenager in front of my whole class, and teacher, I heard one or two classmates say that they saw said parent out with someone else. The embarrasement and shame I felt that day YOU COULD NEVER KNOW! I hope your girls NEVER find out, it's horrible. I did NOT deserve to find out like that, NO ONE DOES. I found out years later that stuff like that has been going on for years, I'm not sure if said parent even knows that I know, or cares. Now that is blunt.

 

 

That is an absolutely horrible experience for you Sup, & i can understand how that memory haunts you forever. I am also a child of divorce (tho not sure if your parents divorced or not, it actually doesn't sound like they did). I barely remember my father being around as he left when i was 5 but I do remember him being an alcoholic & know from what my mom told me when i was WAY to young to hear about it that he was a repetitive cheat. He was a total womanizer. I never had to have the humiliation you did because when he left he went to a different state to live.

 

The OM in my situation does not live anywhere near me so it's not like anyone would have seen us 'dating' or anything. The only way at the moment that i worry about my kids finding out is my H best friend that he confided in has children friends with my kids. So if they talk in front of their children, which i know for fact they do, then the oldest could repeat something to my oldest. Yes, i know without a doubt that would be devestating for her to hear from a friend. When i knew my H was going to hang out with his friend the evening after I told him i did NOT want him to confide in this guy for that very reason but i kept my mouth shut. This is his best friend & he needed someone to confide in. I worry every day about that particular situation tho. I also hope my kids never find out or if they do they are adults. I do not want to cause them pain & i realize what has happened can cause them pain.

[Sup]

That is an absolutely horrible experience for you Sup, & i can understand how that memory haunts you forever. I am also a child of divorce (tho not sure if your parents divorced or not, it actually doesn't sound like they did). I barely remember my father being around as he left when i was 5 but I do remember him being an alcoholic & know from what my mom told me when i was WAY to young to hear about it that he was a repetitive cheat. He was a total womanizer. I never had to have the humiliation you did because when he left he went to a different state to live.

 

The OM in my situation does not live anywhere near me so it's not like anyone would have seen us 'dating' or anything. The only way at the moment that i worry about my kids finding out is my H best friend that he confided in has children friends with my kids. So if they talk in front of their children, which i know for fact they do, then the oldest could repeat something to my oldest. Yes, i know without a doubt that would be devestating for her to hear from a friend. When i knew my H was going to hang out with his friend the evening after I told him i did NOT want him to confide in this guy for that very reason but i kept my mouth shut. This is his best friend & he needed someone to confide in. I worry every day about that particular situation tho. I also hope my kids never find out or if they do they are adults. I do not want to cause them pain & i realize what has happened can cause them pain.

 

I realize I may have offended you earlier by taking sides, but if you can imagine what I went through, imagine what your husband is feeling, I am split pretty much as to how this thing turns out, meaning, in part I hope you 2 can work this thing out somehow, then the other part hopes your husband can find someone else, I dunno maybe that's natural or something. But if this thing is to work out, you WILL need Gods help, that much I am certain on. You said something about your father? Maybe that is some of your problem in reguards to your affair, I would find out if I were you before it's too late. I know I am very harsh and brutal at times in here, but I NEVER said I was perfect. And last of all I wasn't telling you EVERYTHING that has happened over the years, you DON'T want to know. NOW THAT'S REALITY!

[samsungxoxo]

I don't agree with that "Oh you had an afafir, so you're a horrible parent". Frankly an affair and whether you're a good/bad parent are separate issues. You can be having multiple affairs and still care for your children, provide their needs, taking them to school, giving them advice (while the affair is within you only).

[soooomestup]

Dont forget my question inapanic ive been waiting

[InaPanic]

I realize I may have offended you earlier by taking sides, but if you can imagine what I went through, imagine what your husband is feeling, I am split pretty much as to how this thing turns out, meaning, in part I hope you 2 can work this thing out somehow, then the other part hopes your husband can find someone else, I dunno maybe that's natural or something. But if this thing is to work out, you WILL need Gods help, that much I am certain on. You said something about your father? Maybe that is some of your problem in reguards to your affair, I would find out if I were you before it's too late. I know I am very harsh and brutal at times in here, but I NEVER said I was perfect. And last of all I wasn't telling you EVERYTHING that has happened over the years, you DON'T want to know. NOW THAT'S REALITY!

 

Honestly Sup, you have never offended me, you have been a little harsh but I have expected that. The poster that offended me the most has been 'guest' that I replied to. He/she was incredibly judgemental. The only other offensive thing (& i don't think it was you but maybe it was, lol) was the comparing me to a sexual predator, like i'm the same as a child molester. That was a little over the top.

 

But i'm not stupid, i knew this board is probably 80% people who HAVE been cheated on & of course, without a doubt, they are not going to look very kindly on me. But all things considered, I think everyone hear has been extremely supportive & kind to me, even the ones on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

 

I also haven't given all of my background which i do believe has something to do with my problem. Yes, my dad was a cheat who had numerous affairs on my mother that i had NO business knowing about but was told at an extremely young age. My mother, who I DO NOT want to be harsh on because she was a single mother living in poverty with 3 children & i do think she did the best she could, but she had a many years affair with a married man. Not only did i know about it, I used to be in the car with her when she would drive past his house to see if he was home, or drive past his work to see if he was there. I'm talking elementary age!!! So, maybe you can understand the offense i took to the 'guest' poster saying if it had been my husband then i would want the kids to know. NO f'ing way! I remember to much when i was a child about how awkward those situations were. How i had to go to school with the children of my mothers MM & how i didn't want to even look at them. Do i think this has something to do with the fact that i was able to have an affair, i have no doubt it does. But what i wonder is why it took 18 years to manifest itself. Do i wonder if i am morally corrupt genetically? Yes i wonder that, if there is something wrong deep inside of me & there is no changing it.

 

Our childhood shapes who we are as adults but that doesn't mean we HAVE to follow those same patterns. My dad was an alcoholic but i have rarely ever touched alcohol. I never thought i would follow the other patterns either.

[InaPanic]

I have just read most of your posts, I'ts always comforting to know that other people feel what you feel. When you have problems you feel like your the only one in the world feeling as terrible as you do. I am going through a similar situation and i just have one question. Do you think that if you had the strength to end it with OM after the FIRST time you slept with him that it may have been easier to not say anything to your husband and just think of it as a mistake and keep it a secret forever? I know u have feelings for the OM but if u had of ended it straight away would it have been different? Its wierd how the OM feels like a drug... like an addiction isnt it? Also what does NC mean?

 

SMU, i'm very sorry, i didn't mean to ignore your post & i had every intention of answering it. I was just so upset after reading the other post i couldn't concentrate on anything else.

It is comforting to know you are not the only one. There are times I feel like i'm the absolute lowest person in the world. Then i have to remember, not that it makes anything i did right, but that i am not alone. I read the other day that 50% of all spouses will have an affair. I didn't ever think i would fall into that statistic but sometimes good people do bad things.

 

If i had ended prior to it becoming sexual it would have been far easier because i don't think i would have had the guilt. I think i would have gone thru some withdrawal because the addiction, i believe, was more to the feelings i got from the phone/internet attention i got from him more than the physical. In reality the two of us spent a total of 5 days together. But on the phone & internet we spent hours upon hours every day for 2 straight months in contact. THAT was the addiction to me. If i had ended it after the first contact i do think it would have been somewhat easier because after i seperated from him i didn't feel like i was deeply in love with him. But to be honest i didn't feel that way after the second meeting either. It was only after he stopped being loving & attentive over the phone and i felt like he was pulling away that i became obsessed & thought i was in serious 'leave my husband' love. That's why i truly feel he was an addiction, the feeling he gave me was what i craved & he was a means to an end. it wasn't so much him at all.

 

I can't honestly say if i think it would have been easier though. I think we are all different. I wish i could have kept it all to myself because i see the pain i've caused my husband & i see how different everything is now. Not telling him would not guarranteed that we would have been ok though, far from it. I do believe it would have probably come out of me eventually anyway. But some people are more capable than I am of burying somethnig & forgetting it. I tried & tried & just couldn't seem to move on.

 

It is totally bizarre how a person can become an addiction to you. I have never experienced that in my life. I have never been on drugs or drank much alcohol but i cannot imagine the desires i had to contact OM were any different than the desires an alcoholic has. Anxiety attacks were common.

 

If i can help you in any way let me know.

[Mz. Pixie]

Your own sitch is little different from those of any married individual having an affair. Affairees come from all walks of life. Even preachers aren't immune 2 temptation.

 

 

 

This is so true, 2- thank you for posting this.

 

I've seen several men fall in the ministry over my adulthood and in each incidence they gave up their ministry for their affair partner.

 

Anyone who thinks they are immune is just playing with fire.

[soooomestup]

Wow so he started to pull away from you and only then did it become more hurtfull? That is strange because im like that too, as soon as anyone pulls away from me, even friends I get really upset. I think its the thrill of the chase. So you regret telling your husband? Something I realy noticed about all your posts was that everything was happening in a matter of days and I didnt notice it until the 6th or 7th page. I wonder if u had of tried to hold out for a few more weeks if it would have been easier or harder for you. Its a shame that you told him when you were still thinking about the OM. My OM is an ex b/f from 4 years ago and i dont know why i have never forgotton him, Im pretty sure that it is because he hurt me so much when he broke up with me and ive never been hurt by anyone, Its funny because I can honestly say that There is not much I like about his personality he is just my addiction for some stupid reason. It is so wierd and i have no idea whats wrong with me and why i think the way i do.

Can i just say something though, people will always judge everyone no matter what you do, I found it so silly that u got upset by that post although I can understand. I just really felt for you, I know it can be upsetting when people judge ur situation. Its a shame that not everyone can see both sides of the story. Sometimes i think that yea, its so hard for the person who got cheated on, but its also hard on the cheater. Its unbelievable how it can consume you. Its only something ive realised the last couple of months. I wish I had known it when my dad cheated on my mum, I wish I could have been there for him as well as my mum instead of turning my back on him and not speaking to him for months on end. Sometimes its just very hard to fight temptation. Some people dont see it that way but one day they will find themselves in a similar situation as I have now found myself after judging my dad.

[Walking away]

This is so true, 2- thank you for posting this.

 

I've seen several men fall in the ministry over my adulthood and in each incidence they gave up their ministry for their affair partner.

 

Anyone who thinks they are immune is just playing with fire.

 

My xMM is an ordained minister.

[soooomestup]

I dont understand ur post about the ministry stuff Mz Pixie plz explain

[Walking away]

Men in ministry are not immune to the pull of infidelity. Ministers and pastors too fall into affairs.

 

Mine is one of them. Ms. Pixie was agreeing with another poster who said that even men in the ministry fall.

 

I am living proof that what these posters have said is true.

[soooomestup]

Oh ok thanks

[InaPanic]

IaP:

 

The truth is that there will be all kinds of 'advice' - the full spectrum - from posters on this forum. That isn't meant 2 be a slight against the members here (after all, I've chosen 2 be one), it's just a fact.

 

I've been accused of being unfairly critical of posters on the OW/OM forum. Maybe they're right, and I am being 2 harsh of them. I've ac2ally thought about this a lot in the last 2ple of weeks, and firmly believe that, while I don't understand their position and have a hard time appreciating it at all, they must "serve a purpose" in the overall scheme of things - of personal spiri2al growth of the individuals involved in all corners of the triangles they choose 2 be in.

 

Your own sitch is little different from those of any married individual having an affair. Affairees come from all walks of life. Even preachers aren't immune 2 temptation.

 

In the final analysis, it's not rehashing of the 'crimes' and doling out punishments that we should be doing with you. We should help you get on your own 2 personal-integrity-feet and 2rn this mistake in2 an oppor2nity for personal and marital growth.

 

And perhaps I should try 2 find ways 2 be more "helpful" with the OW/OM posters, or if I can't, stay away.

 

Onward and upward, as there's no other direction 2 take.

 

-ol' 2long

 

2long, i don't think you've been overly harsh. I feel like you have given out some great advice to me. Having been in a position of being cheated on I imagine it's hard for you to go to the OM/OW site & not get angry. I think unless you've been in someone elses shoes it is hard to understand completely.

I admire you for saying that maybe you have been too critical & analyzing that. At least you can attempt to see someone elses side.

I used to be an extremely EXTREMELY critical person. I was also very judging & harsh on people who i would hear screwed up. Because i never thought i would do anything like that. So now I look at it from very different eyes. If i can do this, if i can not put my kids & family first then anyone is capable. And i cannot be hateful about what other people do anymore. Not after what i did.

[InaPanic]

 

Anyone who thinks they are immune is just playing with fire.

 

thank you for saying that mz. pixie

[Mz. Pixie]

thank you for saying that mz. pixie

 

Others will disagree very strongly with this but speaking from experience I personally know that at one time I thought I would NEVER have an affair- that I was way too moral and religious to do so. I talked badly about people who did as well.

 

God or karma if you don't believe in God has a way of knocking you down when you think you're above it all and that you could never fall.

[Walking away]

Yes....

 

To repeat that phrase....

 

Pride comes before the fall.

 

My xMM and I would agree with you completely.

 

Never say never.

 

WA

[InaPanic]

Wow so he started to pull away from you and only then did it become more hurtfull? That is strange because im like that too, as soon as anyone pulls away from me, even friends I get really upset. I think its the thrill of the chase. So you regret telling your husband? Something I realy noticed about all your posts was that everything was happening in a matter of days and I didnt notice it until the 6th or 7th page. I wonder if u had of tried to hold out for a few more weeks if it would have been easier or harder for you. Its a shame that you told him when you were still thinking about the OM. My OM is an ex b/f from 4 years ago and i dont know why i have never forgotton him, Im pretty sure that it is because he hurt me so much when he broke up with me and ive never been hurt by anyone, Its funny because I can honestly say that There is not much I like about his personality he is just my addiction for some stupid reason. It is so wierd and i have no idea whats wrong with me and why i think the way i do.

Can i just say something though, people will always judge everyone no matter what you do, I found it so silly that u got upset by that post although I can understand. I just really felt for you, I know it can be upsetting when people judge ur situation. Its a shame that not everyone can see both sides of the story. Sometimes i think that yea, its so hard for the person who got cheated on, but its also hard on the cheater. Its unbelievable how it can consume you. Its only something ive realised the last couple of months. I wish I had known it when my dad cheated on my mum, I wish I could have been there for him as well as my mum instead of turning my back on him and not speaking to him for months on end. Sometimes its just very hard to fight temptation. Some people dont see it that way but one day they will find themselves in a similar situation as I have now found myself after judging my dad.

 

Amen, SMU! Most people who have not felt tempted or have not been tempted cannot understand. I have had people get angry at me thinking i'm being self-absorbed but to be honest this has been the most painful thing I have ever gone thru in my life. Worse than the death of my mother. And no one does feel sympathy for the cheater because they are the one that put themselves in this situation. And yeah, i did but that doesn't mean that the guilt doesn't eat me up, or the knowledge of what i am capable of doesn't make me feel like a horrible person. I feel very low, very confused, very hurt myself, hating myself, not trusting myself. It's not a good place to be.

I don't think i could hold out any longer. I do wonder if i had tried to hold out a little longer, if maybe i had gotten into therapy if it would have helped me. Just today tho, my H & I went to breakfast & were talking & he said he's glad i told him, that he needed to know & that he felt it would have put a wedge between us if i hadn't. I also feel the same about the wedge. He said it 'sure it would have been easier short term, but in the long run it wouldn't have helped either of us'. I guess i agree but i do still question it on a daily basis. I am not at a point where i can whole heartidly say to someone else YES you should tell your spouse if you cheated.

I am not sure if i understand though, have you actually cheated or are you just thinking about it?

As far as the addiction/OM & personality. OMG, once i got a dose of the real person the OM was it was shocking. And i think i was in denial wanting him so badly to go back to that loving & compassionate person he seemed to be not this self-centered, egotistical buttface he obviously was. Honestly, he's not someone i could live with. He would NOT be a good partner. But that didn't stop me from wanting him to WANT ME. And i think that's all it was in the end. The situation reversed, he wasn't chasing me like he used to & i didn't like it because the chase & the attention he gave me is what i think i craved. I hope that makes sense.

[InaPanic]

Others will disagree very strongly with this but speaking from experience I personally know that at one time I thought I would NEVER have an affair- that I was way too moral and religious to do so. I talked badly about people who did as well.

 

quote]

 

Yep, that was me. There were other things in life that i could actually have sympathy for people & think i might actually see how a person could fall into that trap (alcoholics, drug addicts) but i never thought i would have an affair & had no sympathy for people who did.

 

Look at me now. So at least maybe i will be a better person for that.

[norajane]

he said he's glad i told him, that he needed to know & that he felt it would have put a wedge between us if i hadn't. I also feel the same about the wedge. He said it 'sure it would have been easier short term, but in the long run it wouldn't have helped either of us'. I guess i agree but i do still question it on a daily basis.

 

Trying to hide this from your H forever would not have been good for you in the long run. You think you might have spared his feelings, but your unhappiness and anxiety about it would have manifested itself in some other way, and you wouldn't have been able to explain to him what was really wrong between you. It's hard now, but if you do the work together, you can be much stronger as a couple - with no lies and deception between you.

 

the addiction, i believe, was more to the feelings i got from the phone/internet attention i got from him more than the physical. In reality the two of us spent a total of 5 days together. But on the phone & internet we spent hours upon hours every day for 2 straight months in contact. THAT was the addiction to me.

 

If i had ended it after the first contact i do think it would have been somewhat easier because after i seperated from him i didn't feel like i was deeply in love with him. But to be honest i didn't feel that way after the second meeting either. It was only after he stopped being loving & attentive over the phone and i felt like he was pulling away that i became obsessed & thought i was in serious 'leave my husband' love. That's why i truly feel he was an addiction, the feeling he gave me was what i craved & he was a means to an end. it wasn't so much him at all.

 

once i got a dose of the real person the OM was it was shocking. And i think i was in denial wanting him so badly to go back to that loving & compassionate person he seemed to be not this self-centered, egotistical buttface he obviously was. Honestly, he's not someone i could live with. He would NOT be a good partner. But that didn't stop me from wanting him to WANT ME. And i think that's all it was in the end. The situation reversed, he wasn't chasing me like he used to & i didn't like it because the chase & the attention he gave me is what i think i craved.

 

Have you told your H all these things? Does he know what the attraction was for you, or is he still wondering why you had this A? If you haven't talked to him this honestly about what and why you were having the A, you should start doing so. In order to get past this, he needs to understand what was going on with you. In order for both of you to know this won't happen again, you'll need to work on these attention issues.

 

Again, MC would be a great way to talk through all of the stuff you need to talk through if you can't do it on your own.

[Sup]

Honestly Sup, you have never offended me, you have been a little harsh but I have expected that. The poster that offended me the most has been 'guest' that I replied to. He/she was incredibly judgemental. The only other offensive thing (& i don't think it was you but maybe it was, lol) was the comparing me to a sexual predator, like i'm the same as a child molester. That was a little over the top.

 

But i'm not stupid, i knew this board is probably 80% people who HAVE been cheated on & of course, without a doubt, they are not going to look very kindly on me. But all things considered, I think everyone hear has been extremely supportive & kind to me, even the ones on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

 

I also haven't given all of my background which i do believe has something to do with my problem. Yes, my dad was a cheat who had numerous affairs on my mother that i had NO business knowing about but was told at an extremely young age. My mother, who I DO NOT want to be harsh on because she was a single mother living in poverty with 3 children & i do think she did the best she could, but she had a many years affair with a married man. Not only did i know about it, I used to be in the car with her when she would drive past his house to see if he was home, or drive past his work to see if he was there. I'm talking elementary age!!! So, maybe you can understand the offense i took to the 'guest' poster saying if it had been my husband then i would want the kids to know. NO f'ing way! I remember to much when i was a child about how awkward those situations were. How i had to go to school with the children of my mothers MM & how i didn't want to even look at them. Do i think this has something to do with the fact that i was able to have an affair, i have no doubt it does. But what i wonder is why it took 18 years to manifest itself. Do i wonder if i am morally corrupt genetically? Yes i wonder that, if there is something wrong deep inside of me & there is no changing it.

 

Our childhood shapes who we are as adults but that doesn't mean we HAVE to follow those same patterns. My dad was an alcoholic but i have rarely ever touched alcohol. I never thought i would follow the other patterns either.

 

No, that other post wasn't from me. Believe me when I tell you this if I wanted to offend you, I would, in a moment. I would use my name too. It wouldn't be pretty. Somehow, I don't know why I didn't. Anyway the guest you refer to may have really gone through something, perhaps on the receiving end of something like your situation, or much worse. You have got to remember that people who have been betrayed in the most ugly ways come on here and vent HARD! I hate to say it, but, expect guest to pop in from time to time. The parent who did this in my case is also VERY negative in personality, says nothing good, all bad, nothing is EVER good enough, etc. I am more like the parent who was betrayed. However, it's like I am a possible carrier of what has happened, and apparently so are you, aside from that as you know that is no excuse, that we must be responsible for one's actions. But don't get me wrong I'm not some weak person in any way. The affair thing can happen anytime, EVEN with good parents, it's the individual who chooses what course of action to take. By the way, If you REALLY want to know what kind of hell your husband is going through right now, I suggest you read an article in here as a matter of fact, read Dazed and Confused Thread, more than one may pop up, but you'll find it. It's a very LOOOOONG read but well worth it. I'm not sure if he has written a book yet, but read the article, and listen to what Dazed tells you, but I warn you, when you do, it may rip your heart out!

[Sup]

Oh, IaP, as sick as it is, some parents DO want the children to know what has happened, and DO tell them. And that's either one of the sexes.

[InaPanic]

No, that other post wasn't from me. Believe me when I tell you this if I wanted to offend you, I would, in a moment. I would use my name too. It wouldn't be pretty.

 

I'm not sure if i sad something that made you think i thought 'guest' was you but i never thought that at all. Yeah we could all get ugly & offensive to each other on here i'm sure. I've never been one to back down or be at a loss for words or insults either but this, to me, isn't the place for it. This is a place where people from both sides, from all walks of life & all areas of the world come for support & help & to seek out someone, anyone who has been thru what they are going thru.

 

I will search for Dazed & Confuseds story. I can see the pain in my husbands face, I know he's hurting worse than he ever has. THAT is why i still have regrets for telling him. I've hurt him so much, i've made him doubt himself & no matter how many times i say to him that it isn't him, it's me, that there is nothing wrong with him there is something wrong with me....well, i know he isn't thinking that right now. he's thinking he has let me down in some way. And even tho I know that something had to be missing for me to do this I can honestly say i don't know what else he could have done. I do think it's me & something wrong with me & something in me that has changed.

 

I absolutely know that some parents use their children against the other parent. And i'm sure some prior very good parents when hurt to the core by the betrayal of a spouse can do things that they later regret, like dragging the children in the middle. I know for fact that my H or I are not those types of people. I was drug in the middle constantly by my mother about my father. She would talk about him, she would talk about his new wife & it just made me feel weird & awkward. I hated it. My H & his ex-wife didn't get along well & she talked about him something horrible! And he was tempted to do the same at the time to his daughters (now fully grown) but i always said to him to take the high road & not to fall into that trap because it only puts the kids in the middle. I assured him that when the kids were grown they would have respect & love for him for not doing that. Well, i was wrong. They have grown up & never visit him or call him. I guess that they bought into everything their mother was saying & now he gets hurt by them often. This is another reason i cannot imagine us seperating/divorcing. It would crush him (as it would me) to have to be away from our daughters 3 to 4 days a week. To not get to tuck them in every night & get them up for school every morning. He doesn't deserve any of this **** i've put on him. And i truly feel that he deserves someone better than me. Someone that would appreciate what a great man he is & treat him like a king. I don't deserve him & should probably end up alone & lonely.

[Sup]

I'm not sure if i sad something that made you think i thought 'guest' was you but i never thought that at all. Yeah we could all get ugly & offensive to each other on here i'm sure. I've never been one to back down or be at a loss for words or insults either but this, to me, isn't the place for it. This is a place where people from both sides, from all walks of life & all areas of the world come for support & help & to seek out someone, anyone who has been thru what they are going thru.

 

I will search for Dazed & Confuseds story. I can see the pain in my husbands face, I know he's hurting worse than he ever has. THAT is why i still have regrets for telling him. I've hurt him so much, i've made him doubt himself & no matter how many times i say to him that it isn't him, it's me, that there is nothing wrong with him there is something wrong with me....well, i know he isn't thinking that right now. he's thinking he has let me down in some way. And even tho I know that something had to be missing for me to do this I can honestly say i don't know what else he could have done. I do think it's me & something wrong with me & something in me that has changed.

 

I absolutely know that some parents use their children against the other parent. And i'm sure some prior very good parents when hurt to the core by the betrayal of a spouse can do things that they later regret, like dragging the children in the middle. I know for fact that my H or I are not those types of people. I was drug in the middle constantly by my mother about my father. She would talk about him, she would talk about his new wife & it just made me feel weird & awkward. I hated it. My H & his ex-wife didn't get along well & she talked about him something horrible! And he was tempted to do the same at the time to his daughters (now fully grown) but i always said to him to take the high road & not to fall into that trap because it only puts the kids in the middle. I assured him that when the kids were grown they would have respect & love for him for not doing that. Well, i was wrong. They have grown up & never visit him or call him. I guess that they bought into everything their mother was saying & now he gets hurt by them often. This is another reason i cannot imagine us seperating/divorcing. It would crush him (as it would me) to have to be away from our daughters 3 to 4 days a week. To not get to tuck them in every night & get them up for school every morning. He doesn't deserve any of this **** i've put on him. And i truly feel that he deserves someone better than me. Someone that would appreciate what a great man he is & treat him like a king. I don't deserve him & should probably end up alone & lonely.

 

What? Your husbands Ex-wife messed around on him too? He must think this is a curse, or something, if 2 women have done this to him, that's TOO MUCH for anyone to bear, he may think the same thing is going to happen all over again.

I think that the saying: If the husband cheats, it's HIS fault. If the wife cheats, it's HIS fault. Has been, or is being engrained into men these days, it basically says a man can't win these days, which IS wrong. Yeah you typed maybe I was guest or something, but wasn't sure, if you look you'll find it.