cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[norajane]

You are on prozac? Ok, go back to whatever doctor gave you that prescription and start talking to him/her. Spill your guts out to your therapist, tell all about the affair, and figure out if you're on prozac because you truly have a chemical imbalance, or because you are depressed about OM. Your medication is not making you happier, and it's killing your sex drive. So is your guilt. Maybe talking to the therapist will help release you from some of your guilt, anyway. And maybe the prozac isn't the right drug for you.

 

And when you start pining for OM, repeat to yourself: a 26 year old guy I met on the internet is NOT my dream man. He was a fantasy man who said things to make me feel good just to get in my pants.

 

And then research some marriage counselors. Whether you tell your H or not about the A, your marriage IS IN TROUBLE. You haven't said one single thing about your H that would lead us to believe he has been anything but loving and supportive toward you, dishes aside. You can fall back in love with him. Get some counseling.

[InaPanic]

newbby, the affair was very dramatic. I honestly never realized what a drama seeking person I must be until this. It has opened my eyes to me about that in myself. It was very dramatic & I totally got off on the drama. My husband is a lovely person. He is so kind & loving & funny & sweet. I always would tell the OM how wonderful he was not thinking. Until later when he said he was tired of being compared to him & that I would only be disappointed in him constantly comparing him to my husband. Probably true. I doubt he could live up to H. A friend of mine said that maybe my H is TOO good to me & I find it boring. That sounded really stupid but it's stuck in my head now. Could he possibly be too good???

norajane, I got the prozac from, of all people, my GYN. I went in for the yearly & just told him I was suffering from situation that has caused me to be depressed. I told him I needed something to calm me down but wanted nothing mood altering or addictive. I've heard prozac is pretty mild. He gave me 20mil. but I called the other day & asked if I could up it because I wasn't getting any better so he upped it to 40mil. I think it's not been working because OM has still been in my life & it hasn't been good. Our relationship was on a downward spiral & it was driving me crazy trying to hang onto it. I am hoping the meds are only a temporary thing & I can go off them soon. It is very tough to have no sex drive for my H at a time when I need it so badly. Maybe I am just telling myself this but I honestly don't think he was just trying to get into my pants. He could have found someone much closer, much younger & much easier. I think he did really care for me. I think he is just young & foolish & said things without thinking or without thinking of the affect it would have.

My husband has never been anything but loving & supportive of me. He would do or let me do anything. He does so much to help me around the house, he does so much for his kids, he is a wonderful father. He does work some long hours which maybe that's the problem. Maybe I am needing more of him. This is so hard.

[newbby]

newbby, the affair was very dramatic. I honestly never realized what a drama seeking person I must be until this. It has opened my eyes to me about that in myself. It was very dramatic & I totally got off on the drama. My husband is a lovely person. He is so kind & loving & funny & sweet. I always would tell the OM how wonderful he was not thinking. Until later when he said he was tired of being compared to him & that I would only be disappointed in him constantly comparing him to my husband. Probably true. I doubt he could live up to H. A friend of mine said that maybe my H is TOO good to me & I find it boring. That sounded really stupid but it's stuck in my head now. Could he possibly be too good???

only if you dont feel you deserve it...

norajane, I got the prozac from, of all people, my GYN. I went in for the yearly & just told him I was suffering from situation that has caused me to be depressed. I told him I needed something to calm me down but wanted nothing mood altering or addictive. I've heard prozac is pretty mild. He gave me 20mil. but I called the other day & asked if I could up it because I wasn't getting any better so he upped it to 40mil. I think it's not been working because OM has still been in my life & it hasn't been good. Our relationship was on a downward spiral & it was driving me crazy trying to hang onto it. I am hoping the meds are only a temporary thing & I can go off them soon. It is very tough to have no sex drive for my H at a time when I need it so badly.

i dont always agree that meds are the best answer, i have also heard they can make people with a tendency to it more manic (as in manic depressed), did the a and drama seeking begin after you began the meds?

Maybe I am just telling myself this but I honestly don't think he was just trying to get into my pants. He could have found someone much closer, much younger & much easier. I think he did really care for me. I think he is just young & foolish & said things without thinking or without thinking of the affect it would have.

he probably did care about you, but, what does it matter? you are in a good marriage and you already said you wouldnt want to be with the om exclusively. this probably messed his head up too..

My husband has never been anything but loving & supportive of me. He would do or let me do anything. He does so much to help me around the house, he does so much for his kids, he is a wonderful father. He does work some long hours which maybe that's the problem. Maybe I am needing more of him. This is so hard.

i think i already said as much, but i think the problem is you and not your marriage. really, i believe this to be true.

[norajane]

norajane, I got the prozac from, of all people, my GYN. I went in for the yearly & just told him I was suffering from situation that has caused me to be depressed. I told him I needed something to calm me down but wanted nothing mood altering or addictive. I've heard prozac is pretty mild. He gave me 20mil. but I called the other day & asked if I could up it because I wasn't getting any better so he upped it to 40mil. I think it's not been working because OM has still been in my life & it hasn't been good. Our relationship was on a downward spiral & it was driving me crazy trying to hang onto it. I am hoping the meds are only a temporary thing & I can go off them soon. It is very tough to have no sex drive for my H at a time when I need it so badly.

I am frankly appalled that a doc would just prescribe this stuff randomly like that! Stop taking it if it's doing you no good!!! You can't just take mood altering drugs without a consultation.

 

Seriously, go to a psychiatriast. Don't you think you need one? You're a mess and you're taking drugs that might not be right for you and are killing your sex drive. Plus, you're not even dealing with the reason for taking them in the first place. Talking to a doctor who is professionally trained the both the physical and mental issues you are going through really could make a difference in your life.

 

And, I also believe, you get out of something what you put into it. You put a LOT of yourself and a lot of effort into your A. Imagine what good things could happen if you put just as much of your attention, affection, and effort toward your H. When was the last time you tried flirting with your husband?

[InaPanic]

My problem is i have no insurance & I cannot afford a therapist. I checked into it weeks ago. It may come down to crucial if I don't get better on my own soon. Money is tight right now & I don't know how I can justify to him, without telling him, why I need to go.

I didn't realize prozac could have a backward affect. I have only been on them for about 3 weeks now. I got them about a week and a half into my breakdown. I honestly don't know if i'd be worse or better without but I have a feeling worse. Except for the sex drive thing. And honestly I had none before that. Probably the guilt. What's bad is when the OM & I were strictly online, I was way more sexual with my H than ever. I know that's bad but I wish I could be that way again but didn't need OM to encourage it. I was very flirty with him then, buying sexy underwear & being playful. I don't even think i realized it at the time how much it was driven by thoughts or excitement from OM. That makes me feel horrible to say.

[RecordProducer]

RecordProducer, I do think he suspects. The most obvious comments he's made to me recently while I have been crying have been: 'i could never share you with someone else', 'there is no other man waiting in the wings for you?'. I do think he may suspect but maybe really isn't sure if he wants to know...

 

...I think it became addictive the feelings I was getting from him. I lost all judgement when I decided to meet him. He had me believing we were soul mates, that I was the love of his life. He had me smitten for lack of a better word.

What a fool I was. And now I have to try to live with this.

I re-read my previous post and saw that it sounded judgmental and I really didn't mean to be. I can perfectly understand what happened to you and why. Why I wouldn't cheat on my husband is because I am so very well aware of the unhappy-ending of an affair that I can't see myself ever find that kind of excitement appealing. Just like many people wouldn't try drugs because they know how it ends, but many people will get reeled into the world of addictions.

 

At the moment, it was what you needed. Or you thought so. You say you were a fool. retrospectively we are all very smart and know what we should have done. But you can't bring back the past and change it so you have to live with the remorse.

 

But this is really your thing. Your mistake, your regrets, your foolishness, your pain. Why put the burden of it on your husband? Both choices (to tell him and not) have good and bad sides. Confessing will make some things easier for you short-term, but will ruin many other areas of your marriage long-term.

 

If you could just struggle with your feelings for a while without telling your husband, you would get over it. The pain of doing the wrong thing would fade out with time and you would learn to release it as if it never happened.

 

He hasn't found out and the affair is over. Even if he would find out from other sources, it wouldn't change much compare to if you told him. Cheating is cheating. I haven't heard anyone here stating that it was much harder for them they they caught the unfaithful spouse and that it would have been much easier if the cheating spouse confesses voluntarily. Believe it or not, people do understand why you don't advertise your affair and hurt your spouse.

 

Your husband said he couldn't bear to share you so you know how wounded he would be if he would know. I wouldn't tell him if I were you. If you don't tell him, you can always tell him tomorrow. But once you spill it out, you can never undo it.

 

You were pretending for your selfish reasons for a long time when you were seeing your lover. Now it's time for you to pretend for altruistic reasons - to save your husband from the certain pain. That much you do owe him. Some will say you owe him the truth. You know, if we would know all the truths in the world, we would be very unhappy all the time.

 

If he cheated on you, would you want to know the truth (if you never did)?

 

By the way, what you think were questions of suspicion, I think were questions that meant: "I trust you to be faithful, I trust you that you don't have someone else, and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt me."

 

I know it hurts. You betrayed his trust. But do you really, really want to see him hurt so badly because of your lame choices in the past? or would you rather make him happy from now on and concentrate on him?

[InaPanic]

recordproducer, you did not sound harsh at all. What I did is a very bad thing & I know that some of what is said may be harsh but I didn't take yours that way at all.

 

I do agree with you that if I can spare my husband knowing what happened that I should. I'm not sure if I will be able to though. But I don't think telling him will do him any good for him. Yes he would know the truth but sometimes it's not for the best. If he had done this to me, no, I probably wouldn't want to know.

 

I am trying to concentrate on him & us. But it's hard because he just seems to never be home. I've been thinking a lot about that today, the hours he works, the time it gave me by myself & on the computer & then to have the time to spend with OM. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about trying to take more time off work so we can spend some time together. Right now, it honestly may be best he isn't home much because I cry a lot & when I get that way I get tempted to tell him everything.

 

I do hope I work past the guilt & somehow am able to bury it deep inside & spare him this if possible.

[RecordProducer]

It's actually good that he isn't at home much while you're getting over (what you've done). The temptation to tell him must be heavy, but you can think of some excuses why you're sad or crying or what you're hiding if he sees that something is wrong.

 

If he mentions another man, just don't be silent and keep your head in the hands. Say: "NO! Nothing like that.. I am just in my PMS and I think it's these pills that I am taking/food that I am eating..."

 

You will still be suspicious, but at least have some scenario prepared if you want to save your marriage.

 

I am trying to put myself in your position and I know I would feel awful. Way more awful than if I were cheated on. Actually it's just a different kind of pain. I don't envy you, that I can tell you. But I can still envy your husband because he doesn't know anything.

 

Imagine what would happen if you would tell him. Imagine both options thoroughly and choose whichever is easier and happier.

[jonesgirly]

recordproducer

 

Thank GOD you got rid of that picture RP - I could hardly read your posts!

[InaPanic]

Why are mornings so damn hard? Is it waking up next to him? Last night was good, I actually felt a little like I had before all of this. I curled up to him while going to sleep & felt for the first time in weeks 'this is where i am meant to be'. I slept pretty good until 7am. Then thoughts of OM filled my head.....and I am beginning to think when that happens that is also when the guilt starts filling me. Finally at 9 we both woke up & I was just shaking on the inside as I am every morning & wanting to cry. He held me & again I started crying, but not too bad, & had the deepest desire to just spill it all out. I hate mornings!

I got myself up out of bed & tried to compose myself & came here. Thank God for here.

recordproducer, he isn't sure what's going on with me but mainly thinks it's the depression. It is a pain to have been the one who cheated, I'm not sure I can compare it to the pain of being cheated on but take it from me, it's a pain. I can only hope, if I can keep from telling him, it dulls in time. If it doesn't dull I'm not sure how I can keep this up. I don't want to hurt him & I don't want to lose him.

[cranium]

Cranium, your wife had an A but she was ready to leave you because you admitted to one?

 

Yes, because I didn't tell her as soon as I found out about hers. Like you, I wanted to tell her sooner than I did, but also wanted to spare her additional hurt. It was easier for me to rationalize not telling her; for instance, had I not caught her, she would have never told me.

 

I approached reconciliation from both the position of the WS and the BS. I thought I could do the work for both of us. My A was so long ago, it seems surreal.

 

I had an A because of EN's that were not being met despite years of requesting, talking, pleading, etc... I didn't do as Ladyjane would suggest and tell my wife she was going to lose my fidelity if she didn't start paying attention to me and my needs. It was a stupid choice that I made.

 

During the years since my A, my needs still weren't being met and my wife continued to be indifferent and unresponsive. I became depressed and pretty much withdrew from our relationship. Well, that afforded her OM (who was also in his mid-20's and a player) the perfect opportunity to step in and do the same thing your OM has:

 

OM said some of the most beautiful & wonderful & loving & sexual things to me anyone has ever said. It's been a long time since I've been talked to like that.

 

Blah, blah, blah (don't mean to be harsh). As you said, he wanted in your pants.

 

There were also selfish reasons for me finally coming clean. Since I knew about her A, I could work to fulfill her EN's that I had been neglecting. She didn't know about my A and she still really wasn't putting the effort into fulfilling my needs. So, even though I knew she might leave when I finally came clean, I couldn't continue to be ignored. I felt that she would never 'get it' and really attend to us as a partnership unless she understood the seriousness of my position.

 

You need to tell him. It's tearing you up inside. You've already hurt him in that you're not 'present' to your marriage. If the only way to get OM out of your life is to come clean, do it. You are robbing your husband of emotional intimacy and affection.

[InaPanic]

cranium, i am still debating whether to tell him. I just don't think even if I do that right now is the time to do it. I think it would only open up so much other stuff that I am not mentally prepared to deal with as i'm trying to get over OM. I just don't know.

I just think if he never has to know of the affair & if i can work through this then how is he going to be hurt? For 18 years we had a happy marriage & I never cheated. Since i did it once am I more able to do it again? And if so, is telling him about this one really going to prevent that?

i'm so confused.

[RecordProducer]

 

Thank GOD you got rid of that picture RP - I could hardly read your posts!

Yeah, wasn't it like seeing an imbecile saying words of wisdom?

 

Just kidding about the wisdom.

 

Regardless of what the members of this board say, we're NOT professionals. InaPanic should seek the help of a pro-marriage professional.

You mean the experts for marriage know something that we don't?

 

This is incredibly bad advice. It will certainly improve the marriage over the current version

Yes, the next version of the marriage will most certainly be "divorced."

 

Truthfulness and honesty aren't moral? Dishonesty certinaly IS immoral.

Yeah, yeah, but we're not here to preach, but to suggest what's the best for our "sister."

 

The common fallacy that telling the truth causes the hurt, not the affair.

Those two are not separated, you know. It's the truth about the affair that causes the hurt. The affair has already happened and ended. Whatever damage it has done is already done. How will bragging about a past affair help? Last time I checked, people were devastated upon discovering infidelity.

[InaPanic]

Today has been so hard. I just walked away from sitting with him watching tv. I have this ache inside of me & I cannot tell if it's guilt or if it's mourning the OM. I am wanting to get my head on straight before I make a decision. I just know my life has been turned upside down & if I tell him now it's only going to be shaken on top of that. It has already happened & nothing I say can take that fact away. I wish it could & I already would have.

I'm more confused than ever. Today is a horrible day.

[Guest]

My husband just left to go help a friend do some work on his house. I just started sobbing....he took me to the bedroom & hugged me & I just cried & cried. I feel like I am going mad. I came so close to just saying 'i've done something really bad'. But I stopped myself & I'm glad. I honestly feel like it would be best for him not to tell him. I am suffering for OM too much right now & I cannot expect him to comfort me thru this though I suppose in a way he is & doesn't realize it.

 

I have to be honest & I wonder if anyone else in my situation has ever felt like this. I try to remember my life before this affair. I try to think about things that made me happy, things I used to do. It doesn't make me happy to think about those things now. It's just the opposite. My life before this A seems like it was so dull & boring & all the things I used to do seem dull & boring. I know this sounds incredibly weird or selfish but is it normal? I'm so afraid now that I have had a taste of the excitement that I may be tempted to do this again later on. WTF? What is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this??? I worry that I will never get the feelings back for my H & the thought of being in a marriage where I'm unhappy makes me feel crazy inside.

 

Is all this normal to think like this when ending an affair & getting over the OM & trying to get your life back? Or am I just going off the deep end?

Thank you all so much for talking to me. It helps.

 

Inapanic,

I agree with the fact that you said the feelings you have for the OM is like a drug. If you look at yourself, it is if you are crashing from not having a "fix". You have taken up a drug that is hard to come off of. Hiding the fact that you are having this addiction from your husband, whom I already suspect knows, is only compounding it. What a reaction you will have if you tell him and he says that he suspected it all along. He may not want to admit it, because as men we do not want to believe that the angel God has given us would do something so hurtful to us. You will realize that you are hurting him to the tenth power by simply keeping this secret. Not only keeping a secret but pining like a high school girl with a heavy crush. You must undergo what I am calling emotional detoxification. If you want to save your marriage then you must go cold turkey and leave this OM alone. Admit that you have been disloyal.

 

I know that seems like a harsh word, but only truth and honesty will save your marriage. Your husband will be hurt tremendously. Especially when he finds out that you have been crying over another man and he has been consoling you for it. This whole thing comes out to making you look selfish.While you are considerate of your husband's feelings, it doesn't seem quite enough to make you stop. Love seeks to benefit others at the sacrifice of itself. In other words you put other's needs above your own. Is your husband worth your love and are you worth his? Were your marriage vows sacred or just words? Do you love him anymore or any less? I myself suffered as you did, I separated from my wife had an affair, then returned to my wife who wanted me back.

 

I spent a whole year in emotional detoxification. I made no attempt to contact the OW. I realized that my life was with my wife and kids. The OW did attempt to contact me..but i haven't spoken to here by voice, mail, or email for over 5 years. And you know what, I'm glad I didn't. My marriage is even stronger now. Don't mess up what you thought was worth giving your life for.

[Guest]

Just wanting to give you some friendly advice about Prozac. You will not see improvement with this drug until approx 4-6 weeks....you just have to be patient. If you do decide to go off the med, don't do it on you own, call your dr because it will probally need to be slowly tapered to prevent withdrawal effects. Newer antidepressants such as Lexapro and Cymbalta have shorter effect times and do not have sexual side effects.

If you cannot afford a psychiatrist, consider a psychologist....they are cheaper and usually have option of a payment plan. Also there may be a community based psych facility in your area that has lower rates and will accept pts without insurance, they usually recieve state funding

Good Luck....hope you feel better

[InaPanic]

Thank you guest for your posts. I am trying to give the prozac time, this thursday will be 4 weeks. I also realize that until I get OM out of my life the prozac can only do so much. I am in my NC phase & I am hoping I can be strong because I realize it's what I have to do.

I want to save my marriage but there are times I feel like it's gone for me. I am trying to tell myself that it is just not the time for me to make this decision until I can get this affair behind me. How can I concentrate on my H if I still have so many thoughts of OM in my head messing with me. The thought of going through a divorce is hideous. Putting all of us through that just seems like something that couldn't happen. But I also cannot imagine being in a marriage where I am not happy anymore. God, I don't want to think I'm always going to feel this way.

I don't want to hurt my H, and I cannot imagine that telling him all the details isn't going to affect us profoundly. How is he not going to think of another man touching me when he's touching me? Or kissing me? I think it will kill him & I think it could kill us. I do think a big part of my problem though is the guilt I am carrying. I still think a big part of my problem in my infatuation with the OM is thinking it HAS to be love or why would I have done what I did. I need to keep telling myself it was a stupid judgement call, it wasn't love, it was me getting caught up in a fantasy & not being able to stop. My H is the real deal, this other guy was not.

It's hard when you miss someone else so badly though.

[newbby]

surely your h knows you are on prozac? he probably would put any crying you did down to depression anyway.

[InaPanic]

surely your h knows you are on prozac? he probably would put any crying you did down to depression anyway.

 

He does know that i'm on prozac & I think he does account all of it towards the depression.

Today started out ok but now i'm in tears again. I thought my H was taking the day off work & that we could spend the day together. Then found out he has to work for two hours & then he's going to help friends do some work on their house. So he took our girls with him & I am home alone.

He doesn't know we need to be working on our relationship so I cannot get mad at him. But we need to spend more time together & I've been telling him all weekend that we do. I want to get my feelings back again for him.

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

He doesn't know we need to be working on our relationship so I cannot get mad at him. But we need to spend more time together & I've been telling him all weekend that we do. I want to get my feelings back again for him.

 

 

 

which is more reason why you NEED to tell him. how is he supposed to know that he needs to save his marriage when he thinks everything is fine?

 

complete disclosure Hon.....

 

you are still reeling in the inside....and it will continue until ALL THE TRUTH is laid on the table.

 

Your husband DESERVES to know the truth about you and what you ahve done. Then it will be HIS decision wether he wants to save this marriage or not.

 

Sorry....but the walls are crashing in I know......but sooner or later....your going to have to come clean with yourself...

 

would be much better if it came out now and from YOU, rather than 6 months from now....or God forbid he finds out on his own. Your chances to save this thing are much better if YOU tell him and tell him soon. the longer you wait the harder it will be.

 

 

My wife told me she had a ONS....I forgave her....we entered counseling...but it just didnt seem right...I mean my gut said, i dunno kow about this.

 

After 8 months...she finaly told me the truth.....8 F-ing months she lied to me and our counselor, there was no ONS...she was in a fullon affair with her boss the whole time and including 8 months prior to the ONS lie.

 

.....i was floored...I could not believe this person had the balls to lead me on like she did....i was in complete and utter shock. She was someone I didnt know anymore....the lies, the deception, the conniving ways.....

 

it took alot of strenght for me to forgive her this time....but we have endured through all of this......

 

what I am trying to tell you is....the longer you wait...the harder it will be...

 

let go and accept it.....prozac aint gonna take the pain away.....telling the truth will.

[whichwayisup]

I mirror what Thumbs has said. I know you can't see this now because of your frame of mind but the awful feelings, stress and guilt you're going through isn't going to go away just because you're on prozac. You have to deal with the issues that's making you feel this way.

 

I know you're scared of losing everything and fear is preventing you from telling him the truth. I just don't see how you can keep going like this - It's killing you!

[InaPanic]

I think by telling him I will give myself a momentary feeling of relief by just outing with it. But then when I think in detail about the fallout that will come from him having this knowledge.

 

He is going to want to know details. He will want to know sexual details which I cannot imagine telling him. How he made me feel, if he was better than him. He's going to want to know how we talked so often which means I will have to fess up to texting during vacation, to calling during my evening walks, to IM'ing while he was lying in bed. He's going to want to know if I LOVE this OM & right now I feel like yes I did. He's going to want to know if I ever considered leaving him for OM & even though I don't know if I would have gone through with it & I doubt I would have, yes I did give thought to it. He's going to find out that when I said I was going to visit my friend, I was visiting her but OM was with me the whole 3 days. These details are going to crush him. I'm going to be tempted to not be honest & that would be worse.

 

What kind of a fall out is going to happen with this? He is going to be angry & yell, he's going to be sad & cry, possibly a lot. He may even become depressed. The kids are going to see this, they live here, how can they not? They are going to wonder what is going on. My oldest is 13, she will figure things out. I don't want them to know what I've done. We own our own business which my husband works daily. It is struggling some at the moment. What if he's so distraught he isn't able to work? Financially we cannot afford that. What if he's so angry he moves out? Then the girls will be crushed & I will be alone & I know be more tempted at that point to contact OM. Or maybe I will be more devestated at thought of losing H & be in worse shape than I am now & then how will I take care of kids because i've been a mess as it is.

 

I know some of you will say these are all things I should have considered before having an A & yes I should have. Hindsight & all that. I wish I had never put myself in this position but the fact is, here I am. And mentally I am struggling daily on whether to tell him or not. Plus struggling to get OM out of my system.

 

Life isn't too good right now but I can only hope it gets better.

[whichwayisup]

But it is the consquences of your actions, by allowing yourself to get involved outside your marriage. Your husband deserves ALL his questions answered, no matter what! Even if it hurts him (and you), some betrayed spouses NEED to know ALL the details. Just go read DazednConfused thread about his wife cheating on him - Its a very long thread but explains ALOT about the process of coming clean and dealing with all the details of her affair. Oh and just so you know, he forgave her and together they worked on making their marriage better.

 

So, you being scared of the fallout is understandable, but seeing as you can't go back and change things - All you have is the situation at hand...Getting over the OM and dealing with your husband. You living with this lie forever I don't think (sorry) you can pull it off, even if you do get over the OM. It will eat you up and make more problems in your marriage because of your guilt.

 

Start off by writing your husband a letter. Don't give it to him, this is theraputic for you. Maybe get you closer to 'what' you'll see to him when the time comes you tell him the truth.

[michelangelo]

and not on your husband.

 

NOT telling him continues your disrespecting of him. It really is a self-protection device that you are convincing yourself is a protection of your husband.

 

You owe him the respect to know the full, harsh reality of his life with you.

 

Anything less than full disclosure on your part, answering any and all questions he may have about what you did is not acceptable.

 

I say this from the point of view of a man who's wife cheated on him and kept it secret for a long time. Then when discovered, minimized it and left gaping hopes in the truth.

 

Her betrayal and subsequent self protection mirrors your strategy.

 

The pain and anguish of this torturous path of deception is far worse than the quicker method of full disclosure would have been for me, and I think for her too.

 

You are in avoidance mode and self protection mode. Give up those for one of respect at long last for your husband--even if the disclosure is what you believe ends your marriage.

 

That is a very common mistaken belief by those who cheat.

[InaPanic]

michelangelo, have you ever thought about what would have happened, how your marriage may have been if you had NEVER found out?? Seriously. I can understand absolutely where those of you who have been cheated on are coming from. You are hurt & betrayed & you feel like the H/W who has been cheated on deserves to know. But I wonder how many marriages have survived & gone on to be good without the spouse finding out. I guess those people aren't on sites like this posting much I suppose.

When I am thinking rational which isn't as often as I would like, I realize that I first have to get over the A & OM. Then I think I have to decide if I think there is a marriage still to save. I am hoping that without a doubt once my head is clear that I will think yes there is. But if I tell him now....and then have to say to him, if i'm being totally honest, that my feelings for him feel different now....well that's not going to help him at all, it's only going to hurt him more. If I get through this & then still feel like my marriage wasn't as great as I had once thought it was then I have to deal with that. But I am hoping that is not what it comes to.

 

I know it appears I am in self-preservation mode & sure, to a point of course I am. But to think I am not considering hurting him with the knowledge of this is not true.

 

It's amazing that for the two months prior to actually crossing the line to a PA that I thought I could do this. That I thought I could handle two men at once & have no problem with it. What chemical in my brain made me justify it? Made me think I wasn't going to get hurt or hurt anyone else?