cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Sup]

Ok, IaP, I'll help you, just promise you'll NEVER use it against me...... LOL

OK, click on my profile/CP, then you should scroll down to Buddy list/ignor, I'm not sure what you do next because I've never used that option before, but, that'll get you in there somewhere.......... OK, just read the instructions, and do what it says, that'll do it. You may/maynot have to add him/her, or whatever as a buddy to do it, I don't know if it will take care of past posts, but it should take care of all future posts, provided that you are signed in, I suppose. It probably won't block guess entries sorry, but I have to tell you that. OK, now please let us know how it works, now remember you PROMISED NEVER to use it on ME!

[InaPanic]

Thanks Sup. I have added a person to my ignore list & you know i would never add you

 

Went to therapy again today. She seemed to dwell a lot on my father & the fact he left when i was 4 & was never a part of my life. The way she went on & on about it & with questions i can tell she thinks this is a huge reason for what i did. I don't know yet if i fully believe that. Sure i think it is bound to have had an affect but like i asked her, how do you explain 18 years of being faithful? Was this void there all that time but just lying dormant? Her answer was yes, it's always been there. She seems to think there is nothing i can fill that void with but by therapy I can make it smaller to where i don't notice it as much. She says i feel deserted & unloved by my father (very true but i've felt this my entire life so i don't make such a big deal of it) & that the OM was nothing but a man who was pursuing me & then left me & i want to be wanted by him like i did my father. ??? again, not sure if i'm buying all this but i'm trying to be open minded because my husband still wants answers & wants us to fix what is wrong. I hope i am going to the right person, i hope she can help.

[norajane]

Your therapist is probably onto something, so give her a chance to explore this fully with you.

 

I believe you said your husband was considerably older than you? Perhaps your H was a void-filling father figure when you met; that's not uncommon with significant age differences. And then when you and he started spending more time apart recently because of the work situation, he wasn't able to fill that void he'd been filling for 18 years - which leaves room for another man.

[Sup]

I hope not! At least when/if I hurt you or someone else I'm trying to be constructive, you know, knock some sense into people who need it. Anyway, have you been discussing things with your husband, like we have mentioned before......?

[Dueces]

I did not tell my husband. I also felt guilty, but after reviewing the pro/cons, I felt that our marriage would survive without him knowing. I still love the other and keep a long distance relationship with him via email and an occasional lunch maybe 3 times a year just to see eachother and make sure we are both ok. We are going into our 2nd year of this. We were friends first 27+ years ago and now we try to at least be that now. We did not see eachother for 21 years until 2 years ago. He is someone that I will always care about. It is very hard though. I guess that's why I haven't told my husband, or we would not be able to meet 3 times a year. Though these are innocent meetings, there is always the chance they could not be.

[whichwayisup]

But imagine how your husband will feel when or if he finds out?

How would YOU feel if the situation was reversed? If your husband was having a long distance affair with another woman....

 

They aren't innocent meetings, you're both allowing the 'friendship' to grow more deeply and becoming too attached. It's not good for your marriage! It's only a matter of time before your emotional affair becomes a physical affair...

[InaPanic]

Your therapist is probably onto something, so give her a chance to explore this fully with you.

 

I believe you said your husband was considerably older than you? Perhaps your H was a void-filling father figure when you met; that's not uncommon with significant age differences. And then when you and he started spending more time apart recently because of the work situation, he wasn't able to fill that void he'd been filling for 18 years - which leaves room for another man.

 

Norajane, this is almost exactly what the counselor said. When my husband & I first got together we were almost inseperable because we have always worked together even when we opened our own business he was able to take days off for us to spend together. Not so much the last 2 or 3 years,he's had to work more & has had other activities he enjoys on his own. The OM, when he came into my life, was totally time consuming. It was all day everyday from day one of our meeting on. So maybe i was feeling an emptiness for my husband but didn't even realize it until it was filled by someone else. Today i thought about calling him to see if he wanted to come home early or skip work altogether because we haven't been spending a lot of time together even now. But then i thought this would only put him under pressure thinking it's either work or my wife has an affair. I don't want to add to what is already going thru his head so i didn't call. I am giving her a chance. See if maybe she can help me.

[InaPanic]

I did not tell my husband. I also felt guilty, but after reviewing the pro/cons, I felt that our marriage would survive without him knowing. I still love the other and keep a long distance relationship with him via email and an occasional lunch maybe 3 times a year just to see eachother and make sure we are both ok. We are going into our 2nd year of this. We were friends first 27+ years ago and now we try to at least be that now. We did not see eachother for 21 years until 2 years ago. He is someone that I will always care about. It is very hard though. I guess that's why I haven't told my husband, or we would not be able to meet 3 times a year. Though these are innocent meetings, there is always the chance they could not be.

 

At first, when i was debating whether to tell my husband or not, i know a part of not telling him was that i knew if i did it would end things between me & OM & deep down i didn't want that to happen, i wasn't ready yet. In the end, this is one of the reasons i DID tell him tho, was i knew it would make me stop, wouldn't give me a chance to get back into it again. I'm sure that's a part of it with you too. If your OM suddenly didn't want to see you anymore then i'm sure you would think more about telling. I honestly am still torn about whether i should have or shouldn't have told. I was thinking the other day, where would we be right now if i had kept my mouth shut. Thing is, i couldn't live with it i don't think. I don't think i could've made it this long without telling him but i'll never know. And he may have been better off if i had kept my mouth shut because the affair is over so....i don't know. It's a tough decision that everyone has to make on their own. I dont' think their is any definitive answer one way or another.

[Flyin in Clouds]

As you appear to have no experience of the situation I fail to see how you can have any input which is of value. You merely pontificate and slag off those who do not share your personal idealism- I think your religious zealotry has taken over and you have nothing better to do with your life than seek out these websites and criticize those of us who have different experiences. We are where we are. For someone so disgusted on one hand about cheating it is strange in the extreme that you should on the other hand then promote it as you do in your final comment. You are a confused person FIC and suggest you get out more.

 

LG, I have lots of things to do but come to this and other sites to discuss issues with people that do differ with me. I have no problem telling them they are wrong or them telling me I'm wrong, but I certainly don't try to shut down the conversation.

 

And most people would, I believe, say a cheater should tell their spouse. Why? Because basically that is how they would want to be treated. They want to know regardless of the personal hurt. It comes from a sense of what is just and fair, of being treated by others as we would like to be treated.

 

What disgusts me in a relationship is inequality, as in yours where you hide something from your spouse, but presumably he isn't hiding anything from you. That inequality does not bother you because it is in your favor. And what you've never answered is how you'd feel about it if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm guessing you wouldn't want to know if your H had an affair, but I haven't heard you say that's what you'd want, so maybe you would want him to tell...

 

If you feel your husband doing what you have done would be the "right" thing to do, i.e. if he had an affair, and why shouldn't he since you justified yours, and he decided to not tell you to protect you from hurt, and he played you for the fool, and you'd be OK with that, that's one thing. But if you think only you should do those things and he's a total bum if he did those things to you... well that's another. So just answer that question. If he did what you did would that be how you'd want to be treated? If not, why not? Why would it be OK for you and not him?

 

As to my last comment, what should a man do to protect himself from a woman like you?

[whichwayisup]

I was thinking the other day, where would we be right now if i had kept my mouth shut. Thing is, i couldn't live with it i don't think. I don't think i could've made it this long without telling him but i'll never know. And he may have been better off if i had kept my mouth shut because the affair is over so....i don't know. It's a tough decision that everyone has to make on their own. I dont' think their is any definitive answer one way or another.

 

You did the right thing by telling him...It was eating you up and I don't think you would have been able to live with the guilt.

 

Atleast now whatever was wrong in the marriage, and what was going through your head that made you cheat is going to be fixed.

 

Have faith that things will get better, and with the help of marriage counselling, you and your husband will work through it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I did not tell my husband. I also felt guilty, but after reviewing the pro/cons, I felt that our marriage would survive without him knowing. ... I guess that's why I haven't told my husband, or we would not be able to meet 3 times a year. Though these are innocent meetings, there is always the chance they could not be.

So I guess that if you told your husband you think the marriage would not survive. And of course keeping the marriage for you is what's important, and it is fair to him to have him trapped in a marriage that is basically a lie. OK... whatever. If your husand did this to you I'm sure you'd be just as understanding.

[Guest]

And what you've never answered is how you'd feel about it if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm guessing you wouldn't want to know if your H had an affair, but I haven't heard you say that's what you'd want

 

As to my last comment, what should a man do to protect himself from a woman like you?

 

Correct

 

You have an easy answer to that one and you are achieving it by sitting in your little room and meeting nobody except maybe virtually on the net. I believe you are paid to wander around websites like this and passing judgement! You will meet the perfect person only in your dreams. I am sorry you need protecting- from yourself might be a good start- and hope you recover soon.