cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Mz. Pixie]

Cranium asked me to come here and post.

 

I was unfaithful in my first marriage and I've been exactly where you are. My infidelity was a product of the state of my marriage- and I ended up leaving my exh and divorcing him- without telling him of the affair. I wasn't leaving him for the OM so I didn't think it would do any good to tell him- hurt him more- and I said like you too- that I didn't want to unload my guilt on him. I never had a thought of being with OM after the A was over either.

 

This is BS to be quite frank with you- although you think right now that's why you're not doing it. You're not doing it because you're scared. You're scared if you tell him you're going to have to admit it all- and you are- and that he might leave you or that it will be incredibly hard on you to try to recover.

 

This whole thing has been about you.

 

It was a mistake not telling him about the affair. BIG MISTAKE THAT I REGRET EVERYDAY. I made a stupid pact with OM not to tell which for some stupid reason I thought I should keep rather than my vows to my H.

 

I was being selfish- just like you are.

 

You've gone out and cheated on a man who you think is so wonderful and you can't pinpoint why? There is a reason besides that the OM flattered you. It's true that you're addicted to him and in withdrawal. I didn't begin to think clearly for over a year after my affair ended.

 

There are some issues in your marriage that caused this to happen. It's not all your fault but it's not all his either. But if you don't fix this, you have no chance of recovering.

 

*HE* needs to make his own choices in this, just like you made yours. *HE deserves to be told the truth so that he can see what a state his marriage is in. You said you thought you might do this again?? Well this tells me straight out that you have no idea what to fix in your marriage!!!

 

It's not easier to cover it up. Yup, he's going to be pissed. He may even leave but he deserves to make that choice.

 

Besides, you may get caught anyway. Even though OM is long distance it could still happen. What if your H got suspicious and put something on your computer to track where you'd been? They can recover that stuff- because that is how my ex H caught me- as well cell phone bills.

 

Does it matter that you were a good wife for all of that long and faithful?? Sure it does. But what does he get for being faithful even longer than you?? For you to cheat and keep it a secret??

 

You're going to live with the guilt forever if you don't tell him. Even though my ex found out, the guilt is still a powerful thing. I have had individual counseling and I get why I cheated- but my exhusband was not the man that you say your H is either. I'm remarried now, and I know I'll never cheat again- but the guilt about what I did to my ex as well as my children is sometimes unbearable. He'll never forgive me for lying and even though I didn't want to stay married to him it would have been nice to divorce under different circumstances- when I could have perhaps had a chance of his forgiveness but I wouldn't humble myself. I was full of justification and excuses.

 

If you guys can't afford MC then you need to definitely visit the marriage builders site. Google it. Both of you need to get invested in it.

 

As wonderful as your H sounds, I'm feel that eventually he'll forgive you. Up until that point, yeah, you'll have to buck up and deal with his pain and yours. That's the reaping of the actions that you've caused. You need to accept responsibility with him and be accountable- and you would expect just as much from him if things were reversed.

 

I'm not being harsh- just truthful- because I've been in your shoes and I wish I would have chose differently.

[Tatara]

It's not easier to cover it up. Yup, he's going to be pissed. He may even leave but he deserves to make that choice.

 

Unfortunately he has already told her that he doesn't want to know. I know that it is morally wrong not to tell your spouse and all that. I am sure there are people in the world who end up not telling in the end (though, it seems, not the same personality type that has enough guilt to come to these forums and discuss it.) The way I see it, he already made that choice. And now its up to her to make her choice.

 

I only say this because I have had issues before where I have told my husband "I don't want to know" and I truely meant them. I can't stand porn, I told him I don't want to know about it, I asked him to lie to me if I ask him about it. I just can't handle porn, even in small reasonable doses that is "normal" to men. I can't understand why I can't handle it, but I feel terrible reading about women who are ok with it and everyone tells me it is ok and normal but I can not handle it. I have tryed for months and months to fix this about myself, to allow myself to be ok with it. I felt guilty taking such a normal part of a mans life away. So I told him it is ok, but I asked him to lie to me about it. He started right there on the spot and told me he doesn't want to hurt me this much so he won't do it at all. I don't know if its true or not, I never will. I don't care. I just can't handle it and I never will be able to. I don't feel guilty about restricting him anymore, and he doesn't feel guilty cause I told him what the guidelines are. I may carry some pain because I will never know, but I asked to carry it in return for the illusion I asked him to create.

 

I realize the topic is different and an affair is *very* different. But the way I feel when I say "I don't want to know" isn't. I want my fairytale, and I have it. Maybe her H knows somewhere but he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to do this to the kids, he doesn't want to be divorced, he doesn't feel he can handle it for whatever reason. Maybe he knows somewhere inside and he thinks making her carry the guilt instead will give her better punshment then allowing the guilt to melt away. For all we know, he checked her history in IE and knows everything.

 

I agree with you that truth is so important, and vital to a relationship and marriage. I don't know that my choices have always been "right", every relationship is different though and I am not sure that "right" really matters as much as some think it does. Or maybe I too am blindfolding myself because I don't want to take off the blindfold and see more of reality. I don't claim to have the answers, but just suggestions - and I realize my opinions will not be looked upon well. I'm sorry in advance.

[InaPanic]

Inapanic...

 

 

time to come clean Hon....

 

 

you cant keep going like this....you are either go to do something rash....or your H is going to start wondering wtf is really wrong with you.

 

your brick wall is right around the corner...I can feel it coming....and so can you.

 

 

ThumbingMYWay,......I can feel it too. I feel like I am about to go over the edge or against a brick wall. Today feels more like over the edge.

[InaPanic]

Mz. Pixie, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It does help to see others have made the same mistakes I have & have been through the same thing I have. But I still disagree that I am only trying to protect myself. Yes, I have admitted to a point it is self-preservation. I will be put on a short leash I imagine. Any trips in the future to really visit my girlfriend would never happen again. Being online I would be spied on. These are all unpleasant, yes, but nothing I cannot live with. And telling the details, I have no desire to do that. It would be very hard on me. But more than that it would be devestating to him. To have to hear sexual details about me & another man. And almost worse than that is to hear that yes I still have feelings for this other man, that I am still thinking about him almost obsessively & still crave him in my life. Salt in the wound is what that is. But if I open up I cannot cover up my feelings with lies.

 

As Tatara said, & I'm not sure anyone else saw that post of mine, I do feel like my husband, in a way does know but would rather not know. When he's asked me the questions & I've denied them, crying & half hearted, he has to know something is wrong. If he had pushed the issue even slightly any of those times I would have caved. I think he didn't want to push the issue because he would rather not know. I'm not sure if the shoe were on the other foot if i would want to know.

 

I do feel like I am losing it though & it may come down to having to tell him to save me & that is not what i want at all.

[norajane]

Unfortunately he has already told her that he doesn't want to know.

 

No, he has NOT told her that. This is what he told her, which could just as easily mean, "Don't cheat on me or I'll leave you."

 

The most obvious comments he's made to me recently while I have been crying have been: 'i could never share you with someone else', 'there is no other man waiting in the wings for you?'. I do think he may suspect but maybe really isn't sure if he wants to know. I do think that if there is anyway to not let him know he will be a happier person. Maybe that's just what I want to think.

[norajane]

As Tatara said, & I'm not sure anyone else saw that post of mine, I do feel like my husband, in a way does know but would rather not know. When he's asked me the questions & I've denied them, crying & half hearted, he has to know something is wrong. If he had pushed the issue even slightly any of those times I would have caved. I think he didn't want to push the issue because he would rather not know. I'm not sure if the shoe were on the other foot if i would want to know.

 

How do you know he didn't push the issue because he didn't want to falsely accuse you when you were so depressed?

[ThumbingMyWay]

I will be put on a short leash I imagine. Any trips in the future to really visit my girlfriend would never happen again. Being online I would be spied on. These are all unpleasant, yes, but nothing I cannot live with.

 

and rightfully so...and hopefully on your own regard. It must be that way in order to rebuild the trust. I required my wife to give me daily details on her were abouts, cell phone activity, calling while out, etc....short leash YES...but it was the only way for me to KNOW she was being honest and doing what she said she was doing. I know it suxed for her, cause she HATES being controlled...hates it....but she endured through it all....and now its like routine for BOTH of us to be more forthcoming in everything we do, say, think, feel, etc...

 

its kinda made our relationship better....wierd but I have always said her affair was bittersweet. Bitter cause ti just suxs that she did this...but sweet, cuase it really changed the way we view our friendship and our marriage relationship... I wouldnt want it the way it was....we didnt really care...we became complacent...but now....we are SOOOO conscience of each other more...we are closer now than ever before....so there is a bright side to all of this.

 

And telling the details, I have no desire to do that. It would be very hard on me. But more than that it would be devestating to him. To have to hear sexual details about me & another man. And almost worse than that is to hear that yes I still have feelings for this other man, that I am still thinking about him almost obsessively & still crave him in my life. Salt in the wound is what that is. But if I open up I cannot cover up my feelings with lies.

 

yeah....I will not lie. IT Fing suxed to here details. i stopped asking after a while. All I needed to know was that she had a PA and EA and all the things that go with it.

 

Hearing that the OM gave her deep orgasims thru oral sex in the back of the van, or in the park in the woods, or how he would touch or kiss her and it made her feel so good and wanted...how they would maul eachother at times.....it suxed....BIG TIME. Made me feel inadequte in all the departments.

 

BUt ya know...it is what it is. When I decided to forgive her...I had to do just that. As hard as it was and still is to have these visions in mind about her and him....its something i decided to accept. I didnt ask for any of this...but I accepted it. I put my faith in God to give me strenght...I still pray every day for strenght to endure these trials in my mind. And it works...when thoughts enter my mind...I think of Jesus and I put my burden in his hands...and he takes it away for me.....I am blessed to have him in my heart....cause if I didnt accept him back in my life after all this happend...i really dont know how I could cope with all this.

 

I do feel like my husband, in a way does know but would rather not know. When he's asked me the questions & I've denied them, crying & half hearted, he has to know something is wrong. If he had pushed the issue even slightly any of those times I would have caved. I think he didn't want to push the issue because he would rather not know. I'm not sure if the shoe were on the other foot if i would want to know.

 

During the 8 months that I thought we were recovering...the 8 months that I thought she just had a ONS, but was actually still in the affair. I remember having this gut feeling that something just isnt right. I asked were I think 5 separate times if there was someone else...of course she said NO with a stone face...I tried to read it...but it just didnt sit well with me. Was until a Monday morning 8 months later...that she said she needed to tell me something, but she would she was ready. I said no, tell me know...I asked is there someone else? And she said YES. Holy crap, I remember that morning like it was yesterday. BUT I am glad she did....it hurt like hell. But at least I knew my gut was right and I wasnt crazy.

 

So when you say, our Husband has a hunch...I bet he does.

 

Inapanic.....hon, you are just prolonging the envitable.....you have stated you dont think you can keep it in much longer.

 

Let it out....take the path of truth. if he loves you as much as you say he does....then you too can get thru this. you have 18 years together...and what?? 4 months with the OM. There will come a day when yuo look back on this wiht anger...you will get out of the FOG....but it will take time.

 

As for your sexuall desire for OM and your FOG thinking that you dont have it for your husband anymore..."you dont look at him and get horny" I think is what yuo said. Hey my wife said the same to me.....but over time it comes back...you just have to work at it. LOVE takes work....LUST is just chemicals. The giddy feeling for OM is LUST. The LOVE for your husband is deeply rooted inside you.

 

If all we wanted was lust and giddy feelings, then no one would be married...we would just jump from person to person to get our LUST fix

 

....but what does that do?..other than feed the MOMENT. But marriage is a bunch of moments all stuck together. You take the good with the bad.

 

We are human and we do have lust in our minds....geez, I have it too...but I leave it right there in my mind....and I use it and transform those feelings towards my wife.

 

I feel for ya, I realy do....your feelings mirror exactly what my wife felt too....but we have endured...and I think you and your husband can too.

 

I will pray for you..I will ask God to send strength to you and your husband to endure these trials you are experiencing.

[whichwayisup]

Listen to Thumbs. He's giving you the honest truth of your situation. Hate to say it, but these are the consquences of your actions..The loss of trust your husband will have you in. SO, it will be your job for a long time to show him you ARE trustworthy and capable of staying faithful to him. And to be upfront and honest about EVERYTHING, even if it hurts.

 

I do feel like I am losing it though & it may come down to having to tell him to save me & that is not what i want at all.

 

Ofcourse it's not what you want, but I'm sure if you come clean with him, show him how awful you feel and that you're going to make a huge effort to fix things, maybe the marriage will become better and stronger in time.

 

Bottom line - You do love your husband, so as long as you have that and the desire to want to make it work - It will work.

[Mannycheater]

Just have to be very smart when doing it, do not be honest with your sopuse and you will enjoy wonderful moments

[Tatara]

No, he has NOT told her that. This is what he told her, which could just as easily mean, "Don't cheat on me or I'll leave you."

 

I went back and reread the entire forum over again, and you are right. I'm sorry I don't know why I was under the impression that he told her he didn't want to know. I could have mixed it up with something else I've been reading - or not reading carefully enough

 

My apologies on that one, totally my bad.

[Mz. Pixie]

I will be put on a short leash I imagine. Any trips in the future to really visit my girlfriend would never happen again. Being online I would be spied on. These are all unpleasant, yes, but nothing I cannot live with. And telling the details, I have no desire to do that. It would be very hard on me.

 

A very short leash indeed. Rightfully so. In fact, you shouldn't be chatting online- especially with other men- this is how this kind of stuff happens. Going to visit your gf?? Does the OM live near her?? Then in fact no you shouldn't visit- too tempting.

 

These are the prices you pay when you act untrustworthy.

 

I truly believe if he finds out on his own and you do not tell him the fallout will be worse than if you don't. You've been upsetting him on a daily basis and he thinks you've been depressed! He's going to rush home to talk to you and hold you and you're crying over om but worse yet you're lying about it and not giving him a chance to make it better.

[whichwayisup]

Just have to be very smart when doing it, do not be honest with your sopuse and you will enjoy wonderful moments

Yeah, that's called being selfish and having your cake and eating it too. Most who marry don't "intend" on having affairs or cheating on their spouses, but obviously it happens. And most who do cheat, regret it and fix their marriage - So they won't cheat again.

 

Your theory is fine if BOTH spouses agree to have an open marriage. When one spouse isn't aware of the rules - Uhm, that's called cheating!

[stargazer12]

Sorry, that I was very insensitive, actually I'm rather kind. I have been through the receiving end of an affair, so I'm kind of incensed by them. It hurt me so much, that I was so betrayed by her, that I trusted. One example she'd call me from her night job and tell me she had to go to the supermarket and how much she loved me. Really she was going to a motel. Almost divorced her, but I saw she was being destroyed by predatory a&& H*l*. Believe me OM do not have any intention of marriage or prolonged relationship. They want the benefits but none of the responsibilities. Her affair went on for 3 or more years, I thought of all the thing that transpired in that time. Learned the reasons for things. She just got in over her head. When we got back together she told me that it’d never happen again, and it did not, she realized what she had and almost lost. I never did worry around it again, it would not have bothered me, and I would have left, without regret at all. One thing that really irked me was that she was so worried about me cheating on her, she would always make sure that I was were I supposed to be, that I resented. We never had counseling and never spoke of it, not the best course of action. These things are never forgotten, hopefully forgiven. This was 25 years ago and she has passed, I did love her, we had 2 more children. I hardly thought of it. Now though I am putting pieces together, and the hurt remains. Though I love her, I think that there was so much of my love I could have given.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Just have to be very smart when doing it, do not be honest with your sopuse and you will enjoy wonderful moments

 

do this...

 

dishonest (dis-on-ist)

 

–adjective 1. not honest; disposed to lie, cheat, or steal; not worthy of trust or belief

 

 

in order to get this...

 

happy[hap-ee]

 

–adjective 1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing

 

 

....I guess everybody has thier own way

[Walk]

Didn't read every single thread, but most of them.. and I just wanted to give my experience so maybe the OP could use it to help her decide what to do.

 

I cheated on my exH for about 10 months during the couple years of our marriage. The entire time, my exH was suspicious of what was going on, but seemed to buy my lies. At the time I was so wrapped up in the affair that I didn't realize how much it was hurting my ex. Gut level he knew something was going on, but there I was saying all was fine and that he was the crazy one.. I still feel guilty for that. For making him feel crazy.

 

My exh really loved me, an incredible amount. After the affair ended, I didn't want to tell my ex but the guilt was tearing me up inside. I was losing weight, I couldn't sleep, I'd go from overly needy to not wanting my ex around me. I told myself he never needed to know. I debated if it was even the right thing to do (telling him). Questioning whether telling him would be for my benefit or his.. I wanted to know the reason why I would tell him and it couldn't be for me if I did.

 

I did end up telling him about the affair. About 2 months after I left him. Part of the reason I left was because I couldn't live with the lies any more. I wasn't who I had thought I was. I didn't have a clue who I was if I was capable of having an affiar when I was so vehemently opposed to people doing that. I didn't leave to be with the OM.. he was long gone. But my guilt had gotten so bad that I couldn't even look at my ex without condeming myself.

 

Anyway.. I told him when I went to pick up the last of my things from the house. I was balling as I told him.. it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. It took all the courage I had to stand there and say it, and I couldn't even do it while looking at him. I stood staring in the opposite direction... Tore me apart to tell him. But it was odd.. because he almost seemed... a little relieved. He'd been living in this dark, confusing, nonsense world for so long that when I finally told him it was like I had set the main piece of the jigsaw puzzle into place. Honestly... my not telling him was causing him an incredible amount of pain, but I had been so blinded by my own that I didn't really see his.

 

I had already decided that I wanted to end the marriage by that point. But after he'd had time to digest what had happened and come to grips with it, he really wanted to work on saving the marriage. He even went so far as to refuse to sign the divorce papers and included a note saying he wanted to go to marriage counseling and do everyhting possible to save the marriage... I knew why I cheated though, and it was for things I had been begging him to work with me on for years prior to cheating. I didn't trust that he really would change, so we divorced.

 

Long story short... I did him grievous harm by lying to him, making him feel crazy. I am very glad I came clean about it, and I don't feel I could have ever truly healed and learned from my mistakes if i hadn't finally admitted to them. And I would've hated myself for continuing the charade indefinitely. To me, I would rather die in truth, then live in the lie.

[BenThereDunThat]

Didn't read every single thread, but most of them.. and I just wanted to give my experience so maybe the OP could use it to help her decide what to do.

 

I cheated on my exH for about 10 months during the couple years of our marriage. The entire time, my exH was suspicious of what was going on, but seemed to buy my lies. At the time I was so wrapped up in the affair that I didn't realize how much it was hurting my ex. Gut level he knew something was going on, but there I was saying all was fine and that he was the crazy one.. I still feel guilty for that. For making him feel crazy.

 

My exh really loved me, an incredible amount. After the affair ended, I didn't want to tell my ex but the guilt was tearing me up inside. I was losing weight, I couldn't sleep, I'd go from overly needy to not wanting my ex around me. I told myself he never needed to know. I debated if it was even the right thing to do (telling him). Questioning whether telling him would be for my benefit or his.. I wanted to know the reason why I would tell him and it couldn't be for me if I did.

 

I did end up telling him about the affair. About 2 months after I left him. Part of the reason I left was because I couldn't live with the lies any more. I wasn't who I had thought I was. I didn't have a clue who I was if I was capable of having an affiar when I was so vehemently opposed to people doing that. I didn't leave to be with the OM.. he was long gone. But my guilt had gotten so bad that I couldn't even look at my ex without condeming myself.

 

Anyway.. I told him when I went to pick up the last of my things from the house. I was balling as I told him.. it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. It took all the courage I had to stand there and say it, and I couldn't even do it while looking at him. I stood staring in the opposite direction... Tore me apart to tell him. But it was odd.. because he almost seemed... a little relieved. He'd been living in this dark, confusing, nonsense world for so long that when I finally told him it was like I had set the main piece of the jigsaw puzzle into place. Honestly... my not telling him was causing him an incredible amount of pain, but I had been so blinded by my own that I didn't really see his.

 

I had already decided that I wanted to end the marriage by that point. But after he'd had time to digest what had happened and come to grips with it, he really wanted to work on saving the marriage. He even went so far as to refuse to sign the divorce papers and included a note saying he wanted to go to marriage counseling and do everyhting possible to save the marriage... I knew why I cheated though, and it was for things I had been begging him to work with me on for years prior to cheating. I didn't trust that he really would change, so we divorced.

 

Long story short... I did him grievous harm by lying to him, making him feel crazy. I am very glad I came clean about it, and I don't feel I could have ever truly healed and learned from my mistakes if i hadn't finally admitted to them. And I would've hated myself for continuing the charade indefinitely. To me, I would rather die in truth, then live in the lie.

 

Just. Wow. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to tell him all that.

 

Wait, yes I can.

 

I know how hard it was to tell my H that I did not want to be married to him anymore, even though my reasons were valid, it didn't just come out of the blue.

 

I have this annoying thing about feeling responsible for others' happiness, often at the expense of my own needs.

 

Anyway, just responding because your post really touched me. When I would have to tell the H (for the 1,000th time) what all the problems were, what MY feelings were (cause, dammit, they meant something too!) I looked at the floor, the opposite wall, anywhere but at him.

 

Yuck. That's hard.

[sylviaguardian]

Gut level he knew something was going on, but there I was saying all was fine and that he was the crazy one.. I still feel guilty for that. For making him feel crazy.

 

Tore me apart to tell him. But it was odd.. because he almost seemed... a little relieved. He'd been living in this dark, confusing, nonsense world for so long that when I finally told him it was like I had set the main piece of the jigsaw puzzle into place. Honestly... my not telling him was causing him an incredible amount of pain, but I had been so blinded by my own that I didn't really see his.

 

Long story short... I did him grievous harm by lying to him, making him feel crazy. I am very glad I came clean about it, and I don't feel I could have ever truly healed and learned from my mistakes if i hadn't finally admitted to them.

 

You hit the nail on the head there. Most BS do know something is up. When you keep on lying, you keep betraying them but almost in a worse way because you are right, you make them feel crazy. You take away their belief in their own ability to see what is real and what isn't. You destroy their ability to trust what people tell them. And you keep all the control and take any control away from them.

 

BS who don't get the truth are confused, haunted,powerless. It's more cruel than the affair because it is deliberate. Thanks for sharing your story. You are obviously one of the WS who 'gets it'.

 

Sylvia

[Mz. Pixie]

Believe me OM do not have any intention of marriage or prolonged relationship. They want the benefits but none of the responsibilities.

 

You're generalizing. That might have been the case with your wife's OM- but that's not always the case.

 

My husband's exwife married her OM- he certainly didn't dump her after he got what he wanted. They have been married three years.

 

I have also known plenty of men who have left their wives for someone else's wife. Most of them have been miserable and haven't ended up staying together- but a few of them have been married happily for years.

 

It just depends on the situation and the issues and the people involved.

 

Walk- your story is alot like mine in so many ways. Our ex's-

[InaPanic]

I really screwed up yesterday & attempted to contact OM thru a PM. When he responded I did not respond. I am so utterly disappointed in myself. Yesterday was horrible. I have never been addicted to a drug but if I had been I cannot imagine the need for it would be any more real than my need yesterday to contact OM. It had ate at me the entire day, I've never experienced anxiety like that. But we did not actually talk. I have ignored his attempts to contact me back. The strange thing is, knowing he tried to call & I didnt' call back gave me a little bit of satisfaction. I have no idea why.

I'm not sure what this says about me or my desire to fix my marriage. I only made it 4 days, not even 4 days, unless the fact I didn't talk to him still counts as NC. ****. How can i save my marriage with OM still having such a hold on my thoughts & emotions? I have to remember the official 'break' isn't that old & it's not going to be easy.

I did make a point to be frisky & fun & initiate sex last night with H. He didn't take much time for me even though he knows of my meds & the problems. I said something to him about it after sex. Then I immediatly felt bad for saying somethign as the guilt of what I had done to him rushed in. Like, how can I critique him after what i did. But I think it's important for our sex life to be good for BOTH of us right now.

[InaPanic]

 

My exh really loved me, an incredible amount. After the affair ended, I didn't want to tell my ex but the guilt was tearing me up inside. I was losing weight, I couldn't sleep, I'd go from overly needy to not wanting my ex around me. I told myself he never needed to know. I debated if it was even the right thing to do (telling him). Questioning whether telling him would be for my benefit or his.. I wanted to know the reason why I would tell him and it couldn't be for me if I did.

 

.

 

This is like what i am living right now. It almost seems I am going crazier as each day passes rather than it getting easier.

Thank you for sharing your story. If I knew my marriage was over then it may be easier to tell for me. Then again, it may be easier to not tell because you aren't having to live with the person anymore. I don't know.

 

I have to get OM out of my head before I can do anything & that is what I am finding is the hardest for me right now. I miss him very much, or i miss the idea of him. I don't know.

 

I'm still amazed i ever thought this would be an easy thing to do & that I could stop at any time. When I think about how I was before it became a PA, the ease at which I was lying to my H, the joy I was getting out of conversations with OM. I can't even believe it was me sometimes. What happened to me? How did I become that person?

 

Sometimes I think I believe that telling my H is going to be like some grand closure on this A, that by telling him I won't wake up with this aching in my chest & in my stomach, that my desire for OM will just vanish & I will be 100% motivated to saving my marriage. And all will begin to heal. But in reality this isn't how it's probably going to be.

[cranium]

How can i save my marriage with OM still having such a hold on my thoughts & emotions?

 

You could start by telling your H. You can't save it by yourself. Once your H knows, your thoughts will immediately become focused on something other than OM. My wife didn't tell me; I caught her. The moment I caught her though, 'reality' hit her smack between the eyes.

 

My wife continued to have thoughts and emotions about her OM for months after her A ended. S*&t, she continued to work with him and I had to put up with seeing him.

 

Sometimes I think I believe that telling my H is going to be like some grand closure on this A, that by telling him I won't wake up with this aching in my chest & in my stomach, that my desire for OM will just vanish & I will be 100% motivated to saving my marriage. And all will begin to heal. But in reality this isn't how it's probably going to be.

 

It may not be closure, but I think it would put an end to it. You're desire won't vanish, but you won't be able to start to heal your marriage until this secret is out. Who knows what the 'reality' will be. Your H's reality is definitely going to be different from your own. He's been with you for over 18 years - quit jerking him along. He deserves to know.

[Disaapointedinme]

From what it sounds like is you are more worried about hurting your OM than your H. I started to talk to my ex a couple of weeks ago just as friends and then it led to flirting on the phone to meeting up and kissing. My H found out and is devastated. He keeps asking if I slept with him and I keep telling him no because I know he will leave me. I keep living with the guilt everyday. I totally regret what I did and wish I could turn the clock back. I am just afraid that my ex will tell someone and it will all come out. I did have feelings for my ex because me and my H were having marital problems, but now that he knows I did something, I feel terrible and want to be with him and only him. The problem too is I think my ex wants me and may ruin my life, I don't want him. He made me feel good and treated me nice, but only because that was what I was lacking. If my H can't stop asking me about it and bringing it up, then I can't go on living like that with him, it makes me feel even worse. So my story is my H knows, but not everything and I don't know what to do. Everyone keeps telling me not to tell, and I guess if it does get out, then we were just not meant to be cause I know he could never forgive me. But one thing the H's need to think about is how the relationship ever got to this point?

[Tatara]

But one thing the H's need to think about is how the relationship ever got to this point?

 

I think that is something the WS needs to think about not the BS. And ask the BS to provide, or discuss why he/she can't. You definately can't turn around and point fingers at the BS. Thats why you feel so much guilt. I know it makes you feel better if you can convince yourself of this, but if you have to keep a lie from him at least don't lie to yourself.

[Tatara]

I'm still amazed i ever thought this would be an easy thing to do & that I could stop at any time. When I think about how I was before it became a PA, the ease at which I was lying to my H, the joy I was getting out of conversations with OM. I can't even believe it was me sometimes. What happened to me? How did I become that person?

 

I couldn't beleive it was myself etheir, even tho mine never crossed into a PA. My H even tried to tell me that it was because of the medication I was on at the time (Lithium being the most promonant) and I beleive that while my meds helped me not feel guilty (you have to understand Lithium to understand what I am saying about that) it still isn't what made me do it in the first place. Just like some people blame alcohol he was trying to find something to blame to make it seem like it wasn't my heart that decided to abandon him. I couldn't let him beleive that, at the point I was so drowned in guilt I had to argue with him to make him see that there is something wrong with ME - I wanted to him to get back at me, and I wanted to hurt. I still haven't figured out what that thing is that is wrong with me. Our relationship lacks for nothing and he treats me like an angel.

 

I was sorry to hear about you contacting your OM, even if you did hang up and not say anything. I hope you are holding up - trust me, there is nothing OM can do to rid you of the guilt. I even felt it *while* I was talking to mine back when. It was terrible. At least now you can look forward, when OM is around you are still caught up in it all so it won't help you at all.

 

I hope you are doing better today.

[InaPanic]

I didn't actually call OM on Wed., I sent a PM (private message) on a website we both go to. He sent me two back & tried calling me twice but I never answered the phone or the PM. It has been very hard for me.

 

I am not more worried about hurting OM over my H, the OM, I don't believe is hurting. Who knows. Wondering what he is thinking & feeling is driving me crazy & I am trying hard not to think about it.

 

The way my thoughts have been the last few days & then actually attempting contact with OM, I feel deflated. I don't know if my heart is in the right place or not. I don't want to believe I care more about OM & A than I do my 18 year marriage but why is it/him on my mind constantly? Is this normal when getting over something like this? I am so frustrated that I am not concentrating more on my H & kids than I am thinking about the A that I hate myself.

 

I cannot believe I am in this place right now mentally & physically.