cheating - who did NOT tell their spouse

[Mz. Pixie]

IAP-

 

I'm glad things are somewhat better.

 

Treatment?? I'm confused?? What kind of treatment??

 

The only treatment I can suggest is Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling.

 

As far as doing this again?? Are you kidding me?? After doing it once and paying the piper I'd NEVER consider doing it again. But you've got to get further in your recovery than that.

 

There is no magic pill to fix this- you'll have to do the work required.

 

I would also suggest a JOB. That will keep you busy- off the computer- and away from any temptations of talking to OM. Keeping your mind busy is the best thing that you can do right now.

[norajane]

Treatment?? I'm confused?? What kind of treatment??

 

He's been thinking all along that she's been depressed, which is why she's been crying all the time and so withdrawn from him and their daughters, and why she supposedly needed the Prozac.

 

He probably hasn't quite figured out that the depression wasn't the reason behind her affair, but existed only because she was sad that the OM was pushing her away and that she finally told herself she couldn't keep going after the OM. So, he probably thinks she needs to get treated for her depression so she can be strong enough to care for the kids.

[Mz. Pixie]

IAP- did you lead him to think that way??

[InaPanic]

i didn't purposely mislead him in any way. I felt depressed, i think i was depressed. I asked for meds because i thought i was depressed. the only leading on i did was not telling him the reason i was depressed.

 

today he's sounded a little happier on the phone when talking to me. i cannot imagine what he's going through. i'm just going to be here for him and take whatever he gives out. I deserve it. I can only hope it continues to get better but i honestly don't know how this will turn out.

 

i have had thoughts of OM today but that's all it's been, thoughts. I imagine that's normal. I can't just will him out of my head. If i could i would have weeks ago. But i don't feel the pain inside like i did just a few short days ago. But i do know this is going to take ME a long time to get over too.

 

He says i need to see a therapist. But when i asked about marriage counseling he said he wasn't going, that i was the one with the problem. I think he'll come around eventually to that though. I still haven't called anyone. I just dread it.

 

I cannot imagine putting myself or anyone else through this again Mz Pixie but because i've done it once i'm afraid i have it inside of me to do it again. Does that make sense? I am over analyzing everything in my life right now though. If I do think i would do that, then i need to be divorced & I realize that. I have said to him that i don't want us in a marriage where there is unhappiness, anger & resentment. That we'd be better off divorcing but that i think it's too soon to make that decision.

[ThumbingMyWay]

First off. I commend you for coming clean to your H.

 

and I am not going to lie. You both are about to embark on a very emotional "roller coaster" Many ups and many downs. But if you have faith and hope....you both can endure this.

 

 

He says i need to see a therapist. But when i asked about marriage counseling he said he wasn't going, that i was the one with the problem. I think he'll come around eventually to that though. I still haven't called anyone. I just dread it.

 

....................

 

I have said to him that i don't want us in a marriage where there is unhappiness, anger & resentment. That we'd be better off divorcing but that i think it's too soon to make that decision.

 

ASOLUTLY NOT.....you AND your H...must do joint MC. If he thinks its all your problem, he is sadly mistaken. he will need help in dealing with the emotions he will have.

 

 

And your are right.....even my wife said the last part. If I cant let it go and accept it...she would not stay in a marriage where I had anger and resentment towards her. She would not stay in a marriage where I made her wear the scarlet letter for the rest of her life.

 

And what would the sense be anyway. WE both needed to let it go in order to move foward. And so do you guys.

 

Ask him to reconsider joint MC. I think the sooner you get in the better.

 

My thoughts are with you....

[Rooster_DAR]

Your H already has a good idea that you are withholding something (my bet is that his gut is tearing him up). Your best bet (if you want to keep your H), is too come clean and put all this energy your using into your marriage. If you continue to keep this from him, he will eventually find out (and trust me on this), it will be much worse if he has to figure it out. Don't listen to your friends, they are obviously clueless and inmature. Exposing the affair may be your only oppurtunity to give your husband a chance that he could ever trust you again.

 

 

Good luck!

[Rooster_DAR]

Not sure what happened, but ignore my last thread. Obviously things transpired by the time I posted.

 

[InaPanic]

my H just called, he had left work at 7pm & was going to stop at the pharmacy on the way home. He hadn't even made it to the pharmacy yet, he said he broke down (crying, not the car) on the way home & had to pull over. He would have been pulled over a long time. I'm really worried about him. I'm not trying to sound dramatic but should i worry about suicide? I can't imagine him doing that but i've never seen him like this. I cannot believe what i've done to him.

 

I just had a friend, for the upteenth time, throw up an "I told you not to tell him". I said to her would you please quit throwing that up to me, I couldn't stand it anymore. And she said well yeah, now you feel better but look at what you did to him. Dammit. I don't know right from wrong. In a way i think she's right, he's a shell of himself. He was perfectly happy one day & then I brought his world crashing down around him. And did I do it just to set myself free?? Wtf? I'm hating myself right now for the A & for telling him. Why couldn't i just keep it inside & be strong & move on, just move the **** on. Did I have to drag him down with me?

 

I almost made it through a day without crying. I've destroyed him. By having the affair & by exposing it I have destroyed him & us probably. I don't know how we can make it through this. Sometimes I think maybe a trial seperation might be for the best. God, what did i do to us.

[whichwayisup]

I know you're scared and your husband probably is too, but please don't take the passive way out, that separating is easier than fixing things.

 

You both will probably have alot conversations, ending in tears and anger. Deal with it - Work through it.

 

If you love him and want him as your husband then do ALL that is necessary to fix things! Make up your mind and stick to it. GO to marriage counselling, and be 100% honest with him.

 

If you want, ask him if you made a mistake by telling him the truth. Ask him if it would have been better if you'd kept your mouth shut about the OM.

 

Don't give up, fight the waves coming at you. Noone said it would be easy. I say it again, you DID do the right thing by telling him...

[Rooster_DAR]

I've been there, he's going to be torn up for a while. You need to let him vent, but keep trying talking to him about the issue when he wants to talk. He will definitely get over it at some point, but this is a tremendous betrayal to him and he will need time. It's also up to you to get some good counseling to figure out why you strayed, and he will feel better if you do this. You did the right thing, no matter what you friends think.

 

Give it time.

 

[Madaline]

What did you expect was going to happen when you told him? He would just shrug is off and that was it? True if you didn't tell him he wouldn't have known and you would be on here posting about how must pain your in and such. Eventally he would probably find out. You did the right thing telling him and that took a lot of guts to do. If my husband cheated on me I would rather have him tell me now then later on down the road and led me no to believe that nothing ever happend. Either way though I would be upset. Counseling is something that you both need to attend because clearly there are some things that need to be worked out between you and your husband.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing, don't make any major decisions yet, you or him. Just let things happen as they will.

 

And, as for your friends, they really ought to be supporting you, not judging you, telling you a mistake was made because you owned up to it is just wrong. Yes, life will be hard for you both, but it's YOUR life, not your friends life. They aren't the ones who have to live with things, to live with your husband...I think you would have caved eventually, just a matter of time... SO, don't beat yourself over this! What's done is done, now it's time to focus on your husband.

 

And, I think by you focussing so much on your husband, seeing and feeling his pain, you WON'T contact the OM. Even give him all the passwords to your email and IM, so he can have access to it if he wants.

[norajane]

i didn't purposely mislead him in any way. I felt depressed, i think i was depressed. I asked for meds because i thought i was depressed. the only leading on i did was not telling him the reason i was depressed.

 

This could be why he isn't interested in marriage counseling and why he thinks you need treatment for your 'depression'

[InaPanic]

Last night was when i went to bed he wanted to talk. He asked me a lot of painful questions & I answered them best i could. He didn't break down & cry during the answers but I sure did. He even was kind enough to apologize to me over & over for upsetting me!! Can you believe that? I said to him you owe me no apologize, this is what i have to do.

 

He told me how much he loved me & how he still got that excited feeling with me when he touched me or when we made love. He said all kinds of loving sweet things but......i don't know....maybe it's because i was worked up & upset, i don't know. I just wasnt' feeling this overwhelming emotion towards him like I think i SHOULD have felt considering what he was saying. I should have been so relieved he was saying this stuff but instead i was almost numb & scared. is this normal?

 

Also last night & especially this morning he became very, very clingy. Wanting to touch, kiss & cuddle constantly. But i found it's made me pull away a little. What is wrong with me? I feel so confused. Is this normal for him to become extra clingy this early in knowing? Is it normal of me at this point to not be all loving?

 

BTW, should i start a new thread since things have changed?

[Adora]

I think this thread is fine, shows before and after allowing some who would like to help still understand the full story if they haven't been here since the beginning.

 

Normal is different for everyone. What may be normal to one could be completely off the wall to another, so really, there is no normal in this situation. Follow your heart.

 

You ask if this is too early for your H to be so clingy. Again, people deal differently. He could be showering you with affection because he is so afraid of ever losing you. He could be going through denial wondering what it was that was missing to have caused you to have the A to begin with. I wouldn't brush him away.. I would go along with it, if you feel comfortable in doing so.

 

You are going through so many thoughts, second guessing yourself and still punishing yourself from within over what you have done. You need to try and look past all the guilt and just focus on you and your H getting things back in order.

 

If you haven't already made an appointment to speak with a therapist, do not hesitate, you should do this immediately. Especially since the A has been revealed. They will be able to help you through this. I would suggest seeing someone alone, but also, seeing someone with your husband. It will help you greatly to be able to talk freely with your therapist without fear of saying something that might upset your H. Then, take what you have learned and concluded from there and speak about those feelings with a MC while your H is present.

 

I really feel you guys can work through this. It will take time, most certaintly.. but in the end it will all be ok. Please try to stop tormenting yourself emotionally, go with the flow so-to-speak, when he reachs out, accept, don't question or doubt. Stop beating yourself up IAP

[whichwayisup]

Don't beat up on yourself anymore. And keep being very honest with him. His reactions are normal, in the sense of him clinging to you--He needs to feel that intimacy, that closeness...Some would even say he's "claiming" you to be "his" again, aka - making love and being close...

 

What you feel is what you feel...Your emotions are out of whack! Tell him this too. Part of you is grieving the OM and all that he made you feel, yet the love IS there inside you for your husband, it's just buried deep and the intense feelings for the OM has taken over...I'm sure once the feelings for the OM go away, all those hidden and buried feelings for your husband WILL come out of you. In time...And that is why you need one on one counselling because that therapist can help you cope and get over the OM by talking and grieving him.

 

You are lucky right now, it seems your husband loves you enough to work through this. He didn't leave or kick you out, so take that as a good thing.

[Guest]

I just wasnt' feeling this overwhelming emotion towards him like I think i SHOULD have felt considering what he was saying. I should have been so relieved he was saying this stuff but instead i was almost numb & scared. is this normal?

 

Are you still on the Prozac? That changes your normal reactions and makes you feel numb in a lot of ways.

[Mz. Pixie]

WWIU is right.

 

The reason you feel that way when your H is affectionate with you is because your are in withdrawal from OM. You want him, you crave him, and that's what you're focusing on. Once you put him out of your mind then it will be easier to accept the affection.

 

He is in a sense claiming you just as WWIU said. Sort of like marking his territory and showing that yes, he can have you, even though you cheated.

 

The reason you want to divorce is because you feel it's easier to be with OM-with who you have a clean slate in a way- rather than work things out with your H.

 

OM doesn't want you. Your H does. Even though that's tough to hear it's true.

 

It's NOT easier- you just feel that way right now. I did it. I left my ex- didnt' tell him a word. But let me tell ya- I still have to deal with him and there is incredible resentment on his part towards me and probably always will be. It's not easier, it's not, it's just not. I tore my life up- lost everything that I had at the time- and tore my children's lives apart.

 

I did find a wonderful guy (not OM) later on but I do regret the damage that I did to my exh, his family, my children. I taught Sunday School for goodness sake. And I think of all the people that were devastated to learn about what I did- and he WILL tell them if you leave. I do have a wonderful man- but I was LUCKY. I could have easily been alone for years before I found a man who would take on me and two kids. I also could have been taken advantage of badly. I hadn't been on a date with anyone else in 15 years! What exactly do you think single life is like?? An empty apt with a few possessions in it while your kids are at your ex's for his visitation!

 

It will take me years to get back financially where I was before I left my ex. For a woman who has always been the one who saved for the house, etc that is hard to swallow.

 

You do not even work IAP- how exactly do you think you'll make a living should you divorce?? You'll have to get a job- your H will not support you- even if he says he will. It will all become a big battle most likely. The kids will be in the middle. I was fortunate that I had a good job and could barely make it by myself!

 

I had a husband who didn't give a sxht about me. I told him that I would have an affair or leave him if he didn't work on the marriage. He told me he didn't have time to work on it.

 

Here you have a man willing to work on it. But he's wrong- you've got to have counseling. It's not just your problem. The reason he thinks it is is because you've made it be about depression- not what's missing in your M- and something is missing. If you never find out why you cheated- and apparently you act like you don't know- you'll risk the possiblity of doing it again.

 

Trust me, you are not prepared for the fact that someone might be tucking your children in some night besides you. Really wrap your head around that. I thought I was prepared for the divorce- but it's 100 times more painful than you think it is. I was NOT prepared for how it would feel when my ex remarried and my kids LOVED the girl- and she bathed my daughter and tucked her in. Even though I know she will never take my place it still hurt like the dickens because I want to be the one to do that every night. And I can't.

 

Do not even think about divorce until you consider all of the consequences.

[InaPanic]

I do wonder if in my head when i think about being divorced if i am perhaps glamorizing the thought of being single. I don't honestly think i am. I realize i am a 38 year old woman with two kids. It's not like i would have men lined up waiting for me. And I do think i'd get lonely. But i also cannot bear the thought of being in a marriage for comfort & because it's easy. I am not thinking about leaving him for OM, that is over. I know we have no relationship left. He has still contacted me some, mainly in IM & I am afraid i have talked to him which I KNOW is only making this harder. He knows now that i have told my H so I think he will completely vanish at this point out of fear. I do find myself still thinking about him & I hate myself for it but I am trying to tell myself yet it's not him it was the fantasy & the excitement of the situation i miss.

 

I am still on the prozac but i would like to not be. Maybe it is affecting my emotions because the only emotion i seem able to feel right now is sadness. But i fear if i go off of it i will only be worse.

 

I do think he today has been trying to be more 'romantic' or loving thinking that is what i want or what i missed. But right now it's not what i want at all for some reason. He's hurting but he's trying to be strong, I can see it. He still says he's here for the kids & for me to get better & then he doesn't know what will happen but I do think he wants to stay. HE has said he wants me to be completely honest that he cannot be working on this alone if i am not feeling it anymore. I promised him i would but i dont' want to hurt hm right now because i think my head is still reeling over everything & i am still not thinking clearly.

 

day by day is all i can do.

[whichwayisup]

He knows now that i have told my H so I think he will completely vanish at this point out of fear. I do find myself still thinking about him & I hate myself for it but I am trying to tell myself yet it's not him it was the fantasy & the excitement of the situation i miss.

 

Please then, tell the OM to respect your wishes and not to contact you again through calls/emails/IM's. That you need to fix your marriage and it's best if you two said goodbye. Get your closure from him and move on. Then give your passwords and stuff to your husband so if he chooses to do, he can check and make sure you and the OM are not in contact. Offer him that option, it may ease his mind.

 

In time, when the OM is out of your heart and head, you WILL think more clearly...This is what is clouding your judgement. TELL your husband this too. That you need time to deal with the feelings of the OM, (and make sure your hubby knows that part has NOTHING to do with him and your feelings for him, it's something separate.) and it will probably hurt him, but atleast he'll understand more, instead of assuming it's the meds. (Which I think you need to talk to your DR and slowly ween yourself off of the prozac. Don't stop cold turkey, that will mess your emotions up even more.)

 

It may be best to set up a routine, like a morning walk, evening walk and do yoga. That will help you with the depression and low energy. If anything, try St. John's Wort...No side effects and it doesn't mess with your sexual appetite.

[samsungxoxo]

Hi InAPanic and wlecome to loveshack.org. Yes, I have been reading through your posts from the beginning. Sorry I didn't write anything then, but I just couldn't think of anything and well I didn't wanna ran off line as I'm no one to judge you, you're a human afterall.

I agree with what the other posters say you did the right thing in confessing to your husband about your actions. You may ask he is he being overly affectionated with you after you told him about your affair. It could be that he is in total denial about it and deeply thinks he's somewhat to blame for it. Just go along with it, don't deny him of his affection towards you nor overly apologize b/c then he wouldn't want him to turn all that love into resentment and anger. Everyone reacts differently. Well good luck.

 

[TheWife]

InaPanic,

 

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the RIGHT thing to do.

 

You lived a double life. You knew it was wrong the first time, but you kept doing it anyway. You carried on this guilt. But had you not come clean it would have eaten you alive anyway. Taking Prozac was just an excuse to delay the inevitable. The truth was going to come out no matter what and in a matter of time. The drugs and your excuses for NOT telling him was just borrowed time.

 

Once you made the conscious decision to endulge in your A, it was in a way walking away from your responsibility as the viable partner in a team. Likewise, if you and a partnes owned a promising company, would you walk away from your agreement and responsibility just because one day neither one of you saw eye to eye. NO, you wouldn't. Marriage is the same way.

 

Additionally, when you self-indulged in a behavior that you knew would never amount to anything but destruction, you gave your H the choice to not honor you in the way you would like to be honored. It is now his choice whether or not to remain married to you. This is the price you pay and you knew that going in.

 

Your responsibility is now and should be refocused on your H. This is the price you have must have to pay if you are to help him overcome the betrayal. You will now have to figure out a way to regain his trust. He may or may not. It will depend largely on how you deal with openness and being radically honest.

 

Only YOU know your husband well. You know what his love languages are. If you must, redefine them and understand each one. If in doubt, ask. There's a fine line to walk between being overwhelming too nice that would appear as trying too hard to not doing enough that would make him think you don't care.

 

If you don't have to, stay off drugs. Your H may associate that to your A. Accept that he will have trigger moments as you will that will remind you of your A and the OM.

 

For you, you need to figure out WHY you had the A. If what you claim is true that your H is this loving, kind man, why couldn't you have gone to him and tell him what your needs were? Did you honestly think that he wouldn't listen?

 

One of the major force that drives people into having an A is low self esteem. Part of that characteristic is the "fear" of asking for what it is that they need. With a little "friendly" talk with the opposite sex with similar low self-image, the situation offers a ripe opportunity for an A. The fact that having something "in common" as an "UNHAPPY MARRIAGE" is what drives the attraction. Before you know it, the "just friends consoling each other" becomes serious and bam! you're sucked into a vacuum that neither party "feels" they can't get out. Then people use the "it just happened" excuse after one tantalizing sex followed by a teen-bopper puppy love, never mind there's the BS is still at work to pay the mortgae, children at school, and a dog that needs to be walked.

 

Affair parrallels that of a drug addict. Once you get a taste of that forbidden affair, you become addicted to it. People in it, over time, become experts at lying to the point of selling their souls just to protect their A. When they go home to their spouses and family, the drug wears off and they start craving for more. They reaarange heir family's lives to figure where and when they can get their next fix. They buy fast food for their family dinner instead of preparing a well balanced meal. They'll run and do "errands" just to sneak out and get their fix. IT will go on as long they allow it.

 

The other is the unwillingness to take responsinility. Affair is a fantasy, an illusion. Do you know the problems with illusions? They have no flaws. It doesn't account for the sexually transmitted diseases that you could infect you BS or an unborn child. And if you don't have health insurance, imaging the financial meltdown you and your H would suffer as a result. THis doesn't exclude the fact that the your OM's W or GF could (as it has happened in real life) could come after you or your family and do harm. Affair has no responsibility or obligation to either partner who is in it. It's purely a selfish act of self-indulgence.

 

Affair is a choice. Getting out is a choice. Making excuses for not getting out is also a choice. And it was a choice for which the BS had no say. NOW, it is your H choice to stay or leave which you have no say. BUT, what you do will determine if he stays.

 

Allow him to process everything on his own. GET INTO MC.

 

Good luck

[Sal Paradise]

Once again, well said, TheWife.

[Ladyjane14]

I He has still contacted me some, mainly in IM & I am afraid i have talked to him which I KNOW is only making this harder.

 

With exposure comes a new level of accountability. You've witnessed your husband's pain and grief now. And EVERY action that you indulge in that does NOT take his feelings into account..... twists the knife.

 

If you want to know the results of post-exposure contact, read some posts by The Wife. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97780/

 

There's only a FINITE amount of time for a WS to prove to the BS that they are motivated to repair the relationship. The clock is TICKING, IAP.

 

 

 

p.s. There are alternative medications than Prozac. Talk to your doctor about your current symptoms. (I have to disagree just a little bit with WWIU on the St. Johns Wort. Check with your doctor or pharmacist before you mix ANY herbals with strong prescription medication.)

[Mz. Pixie]

I do wonder if in my head when i think about being divorced if i am perhaps glamorizing the thought of being single. I don't honestly think i am.

QUOTE]

 

Oh yeah, you are. You are in withdrawal. Did you read my entire post before or only skim it, reading the parts you wanted to read?? I have BEEN you!

 

Secretly I think that you feel that if you left your H you could carry back on a long distance A with the OM.

 

I'm going to be straight with you-

 

Get a job- this will get you off the computer and keep you more away from OM.

 

Get marriage counseling- pronto

 

Be completely honest with your H- and admit to him the reasons why you had the affair.

 

No wonder you can't get over this- you have all day to sit around on the computer and BS with OM. You have all day to sit around and moon over him.

 

If I were your husband I'd rip that computer out of the wall and it would go to work with me to go to the dump.

 

I've got a MAJOR news flash for you- almost every single WW thinks that their marriage cannot be rebuilt or that they could NEVER feel the same about their H's ever again. They also think that staying with their H would be only for comfort and all that other BS you just said. The reason you feel that way is simple-

 

WITHDRAWAL

 

You've built this wall up that your H cannot get through and you're still in contact with OM- sitting there just trying to soak up any little bit that you can get of him. So, in a way- you are still in the affair- whether you want to admit it or not. Did you see The Wife's post??

 

You are like an addict right now- you'll do anything to get your fix. The only way to get past that is to go cold turkey. I think that you think if you stay in contact with OM- that he might miraculously change his mind and want to get back together. I think if you'll be honest with yourself you'll see that I'm right.

 

I'm trying to be completely straight with you as someone who has been through this and is on the other side of it. I feel that no matter what suggestions we make you shoot them down as that's not going to work.

 

I'm not ever going to tell you to leave your H. You apparently have a good man. You've not given us ONE reason to make us think otherwise. As I said before, you are not married to the jerk that I was- so how can you justify breaking up your marriage and leaving your H and your kids just to get a "high" from an affair??

 

Because I've got news for you- once the new wears off any relationship it's not going to be like you had with OM. Once you gotta wash his underwear with skid marks in it or worry over money it's not going to be the fantasy you've built up in your mind. It's a complete fantasy- and you're close to flushing your whole entire life down the toilet for that.

 

I'm not sure I can come to this thread anymore.