how to be strong & stick to NC

[InaPanic]

I'm kind of typing this for my own 'therapy' I suppose as no one else may read it. I made it through yesterday with NC. I know that may sound like a baby step but to me I think it was huge. Yesterday was the absolute worst day I've had, I wanted to hear his voice or IM him so bad & the fact I made it through the day is encouraging to me. I know it's not going to be easy & I am going to have hard days again. Possibly today but I have to keep telling myself NC is the only way to get over him.

[agoraphobia]

What helps me stick to NC is that he won't say anything I want to hear when I call him or email or text him and that just leaves me feeling much worse than I was when I called.

 

It's not like when I call him, he'll say," I love you and I want you back". No, what I'll hear is regular mindless chitchat where he sounds so distant like I"m a stranger to him, like he doesn't know me anymore. So why bother calling?

[InaPanic]

 

It's not like when I call him, he'll say," I love you and I want you back". No, what I'll hear is regular mindless chitchat where he sounds so distant like I"m a stranger to him, like he doesn't know me anymore. So why bother calling?

 

This is EXACTLY how it feels when we talk. Mindless chitchat. And i'm desperately holding out for some emotion, some love,something sweet like he used to say to me. It's very painful. But I am having such a hard time letting go of the past & what 'was'.

I realize NC is the only way I am going to get past this but the problem is in my heart I am wanting him still.

[agoraphobia]

oh don't get me wrong now, NC is not going to magically erase the thoughts or missing him or anything like that. If it would, most people would stick to it. The thing is, nothing instantly or magically erases those thoughts of what was. Time and NC is what it's going to take, and even then, no one can tell you that it's going to be X or Y amount of time.

 

You just have to take it one day at a time, keep up the NC and just breathe...even when it hurts, even those times that you can't stop the tears, you just try to console yourself with the thought that tommorow is another day and this too shall pass .

 

I met two very gorgeous men this past weekend, I was suprised that either of them noticed me but they definitely stroked my ego all weekend with compliments. I was happy and carefree that night but I woke up the next morning and went back to thinking of the ex again...and HE never complimented me, the whole time we were together.

 

Just take it one day at a time, stay away from him and one day you will forget about me. TRUST me on that, it will happen.

[InaPanic]

Two things are stopping me from calling:

I have to get him out of my life if I expect to save my marriage.

Calling him isn't going to change how he feels, it's only going to make him think I'm more clingy & pathetic & lower my self-esteem even more.

 

Now if I can just keep telling myself this & stick to it.

 

How many of you have done NC but in your hearts & head kept hoping the other person would be calling or trying to get ahold of you? Is this a horrible way to go into NC or is this the way most people start it? I'm afraid I'm doomed for failure if I'm really hoping he does try to get ahold of me. Maybe just seeing him try is all I need to ignore it & move on. Hell, I don't know.

[Guest]

norajean,

 

I know you are only trying to be helpful but calling me naive & saying he was only trying to get into my pants is extremely hurtful. I may be naive but I have been flirted with & never felt compelled to stray, ever in 18 years, until this time. He & I connected in a way that had me entranced from the beginning. I still do not believe he was just trying to have sex. .

 

I agree with Norajane. The man was only trying to have a sexual relationship with you. The guy you're pinning after has no honor because he crossed the line. Why would he get involved with a married woman? Be realistic here. Did the OM really get involved with you because he thought that you and he could have a committed relationship while you were married? Nope.. he was just doing it to get into your pants and he strung you along with fancy words. Sure he probably liked you, but at the same time he only liked you because he could use to fill an emotional/physical need without all the other strings.

 

After reading this thread, I feel sorry for your husband. You made a vow, built a life together and you're pinning after a man who you only knew for two months? Take back your dignity and self respect. If you want the OM so much, then do your husband a favor and let your husband go.

 

For as much injustice as you feel right now because of the OM, it's your HUSBAND who is being ultimately wronged here. Sad thing is, it doesn't even sound like he's aware of it.

 

Either continue to pine after the OM, or let the Husband go. There cannot be two.

[swirly27]

Panic-

 

I have gone thru different relationships where I wanted the NC, as the dumper, and was dumped and felt like I had to initiate NC for my own benefit.....and when you are the one that is still hopeful and knows its only for your own good, it is always HARD! Part of it is that your mind can't grasp that you could be this hurt or that you could feel that happiness again, its almost a mind game and sometimes we ourselves make it worse.

 

I have never been in your situation with being married and having an OM, but I did just end a newly begun dating situation and I am hurting right now. I was the one that ended it and it in no way compares to your situation specifically, but my heart still hurts and it had been a long time since I really liked someone and he was the greatest guy.....still maybe is but he disappeared.....symbolically anyway....he blew me off a few times in a row and I don't deserve that and at a last straw, I ended it....and haven't heard from him since. I did it in a text message, which I know may sound immature, but there are details behind it and I was hurt......but I never would have planned it this way. Bottom line, I made the choice and even if it was right, it still hurts like friggin hell. I think part of me hoped I'd hear something back and it never should have gotten to that point as I tried to talk to him first multiple times....I am completely baffled about the events that led up to this, but I think you may have just got caught up in the fantasy of it all. I really believe it would help you to focus on your H.

 

But, it does get easier. It sucks and hurts like almost nothing else, but all it could take is one bright spot somewhere make you feel better and keep looking for that. Also, reading other posts on here sometimes makes me feel better because even though NC is horribly hard, re-initiating contact and feeling bad about that is worse....so remember how bad it felt when you PM'd him and swear now you don't want to feel that way again. Better to be sad about one same thing as it dissipitates over time then to be sad about something new every other day. I wish you the best of luck and maybe this will make you cherish what you do have.

[InaPanic]

I've been married for so long I never, ever imagined I would be going through something like this, dealing with a NC & ex-lover. I never even considered my marriage might end in divorce.

 

But here I am trying to take it minute by minute, hour by hour & hoping each day will be a little easier to not be tempted.

 

I think one of the things I'm doing wrong is dwelling on what HE is thinking & how HE is feeling. Wondering 'does he miss me', 'is he thinking about me', or worse 'he is totally over me & doesn't even care'. That's when I feel like I'm going to lose it.

[swirly27]

I too understand how you are feeling. I am soooo over-analytical and wonder constantly what HE is thinking. I know my situation is different from yours but it has the same feelings behind it. We dated for a month a half, just a drop in the bucket, but when you click you click and we spent so much time together and talked so much, never argued, so I have no clue what went wrong. I may never know.....and neither may you......but look at this as an opportunity to look at what you do have. A marriage and children and a husband who loves you...do you really want to lose all that....maybe you are not happy and this was to wake you up to that as well....either way, learn from this.

 

You will drive yourself nuts wondering all the what ifs and questions....I know because I am doing it.....but objectively, I can tell you this same advice and know it is true. Have you considered talking to a therapist? I myself talk things to death and it helps me....I have some great friends who listen to me, as I am a great listener as well and some family who I can vent anything to....but I also sometimes talk to a therapist....someone COMPLETELY objective whose only goal is to help you thru a hard time and learn a little about yourself. This may be a good thing for you to try.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck.

[InaPanic]

I'm having a hard time but i'm making it. Day #2 is halfway over. It has to get easier, it just has to. I wish I didn't miss him so much or think about the good things so much. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. This board really helps to vent.

[swirly27]

It does get easier, it really does. I wish I could stop missing him too and thinking of all the good things, considering it was ALL almost good stuff and the intimacy and all the little things....but the biggest part for me is I need to be worth it to him and I have showed that he was worth it to me and at this time, that wasn't enough for him, so I can't sell myself short. This is a little different for you, but you can't sell yourself short either....or your husband. But this forum really does help me. It gives me something to do, looking forward to responses and hopefully helping others and knowing you are not alone out there. Whatever it takes to get thru the day.

[InaPanic]

you're absolutely right swirly, WE are worth more & I gave someone power over me which was an insane thing to do. I've made it through (almost) day #2 & I hope to heavens it just gets easier as the days go by. I have to realize my husband, my family & myself are worth much more than him.

[Guest]

I've been married for so long I never, ever imagined I would be going through something like this, dealing with a NC & ex-lover. I never even considered my marriage might end in divorce.

 

 

I think one of the things I'm doing wrong is dwelling on what HE is thinking & how HE is feeling. Wondering 'does he miss me', 'is he thinking about me', or worse 'he is totally over me & doesn't even care'. That's when I feel like I'm going to lose it.

 

Hmm... I bet your husband is asking the same things of you. Does she still care? Is my marriage going to end in divorce? Get away from the OM and get back to your husband! F**k the OM. He doesn't deserve all this. Your HUSBAND DOES!!!! He made the vow to be with you! He's the one who said "I Do" and "till death do us part" !! You have a man who committed himself to you and has been there "for better or for worse" and you're worried about losing the young OM??!!!

 

I normally wouldn't say this, but SNAP OUT OF IT!!! You're husband doesn't deserve this!!

[InaPanic]

Hmm... I bet your husband is asking the same things of you. Does she still care? Is my marriage going to end in divorce? Get away from the OM and get back to your husband! F**k the OM. He doesn't deserve all this. Your HUSBAND DOES!!!! He made the vow to be with you! He's the one who said "I Do" and "till death do us part" !! You have a man who committed himself to you and has been there "for better or for worse" and you're worried about losing the young OM??!!!

 

I normally wouldn't say this, but SNAP OUT OF IT!!! You're husband doesn't deserve this!!

 

I realize my husband doesn't deserve this. This thread though is to help me deal with the NC w/the OM. Whether I like it or not, whether I WANT to feel like this or not, it is hard to do. It's easier as an outsider to say f**k him, I wish it were that easy for me. I wish I could just turn the feelings off that easily. Again, I don't even think it's love as much as an addiction to him. And I'm hoping after many days of NC that I will be able to see that way more clearly.

 

I am only on day #3 of NC & it's just 8am. I am trying to get my priorities straight & my life back in order.

[InaPanic]

again i am posting more for my own therapy than anything else. It is only noon on day 3 & again I am home all alone. This doesn't make it easier, it only makes it more tempting with no distractions.

What is it about us (not all of us i know) that makes us want someone more when we think they don't want us? For two months he chased after me like I was, as he said, the 'love of his life'. But as soon as he started pulling away that made me think i wanted him more. is it just human nature?

When will I stop wanting him to at least make an attempt to contact me? I just want to wake up & not think about him or care if he is thinking about me.

[Winfield]

again i am posting more for my own therapy than anything else. It is only noon on day 3 & again I am home all alone. This doesn't make it easier, it only makes it more tempting with no distractions.

What is it about us (not all of us i know) that makes us want someone more when we think they don't want us? For two months he chased after me like I was, as he said, the 'love of his life'. But as soon as he started pulling away that made me think i wanted him more. is it just human nature?

When will I stop wanting him to at least make an attempt to contact me? I just want to wake up & not think about him or care if he is thinking about me.

 

As a means of distraction, why not channel all of this wasted energy (and time) into making the "here and now" better? You've said you've got a family (which is a damned sight more than what some folks have) so be greatful for what you've got and focus on them for a change.

 

Attempt to fix the wrongs in what you've got first, instead of posting all these "woe me" messages...

 

And another thing - by writing incessantly about "1 day NC", "2 days NC", ad infinitum isn't going to help you forget...but by getting away from the internet (as a means of him contacting you) and stopping writing about him will help you put this grossly unhealthy fantasy of yours into perspective and, eventually, see sense.

 

Just a thought...

[InaPanic]

As a means of distraction, why not channel all of this wasted energy (and time) into making the "here and now" better? You've said you've got a family (which is a damned sight more than what some folks have) so be greatful for what you've got and focus on them for a change.

 

Attempt to fix the wrongs in what you've got first, instead of posting all these "woe me" messages...

 

And another thing - by writing incessantly about "1 day NC", "2 days NC", ad infinitum isn't going to help you forget...but by getting away from the internet (as a means of him contacting you) and stopping writing about him will help you put this grossly unhealthy fantasy of yours into perspective and, eventually, see sense.

 

Just a thought...

 

I agree that focusing on my family would be a good thing for me to do. And I would do that if they were ever here but it seems I am home alone more often than not in the last couple weeks. But yes, I could try to channel some of this into them & I have been my husband when he's home.

I'm sorry you feel my messages are 'woe me' posts & maybe they are. Isn't that what this forum is about? If you are suffering or struggling then you have a place to come & talk about it & maybe get support. I understand if you have been on the other side of the fence & been cheated on how maybe you have no sympathy for me. And I understand if you have never done what I have done how you could think YOU would never do this & have no sympathy for me (& trust me, anyone could have asked me 2 days before meeting OM if I ever thought I would stray & I would have said a most definite NO). But I think only if you have done what I have done can you really relate.

I am counting the days of NC. It's helping me get by as each day passes. Who could NOT count the days? I imagine anyone ever doing a NC does this. I'm writing about him & I'm writing about the NC because it helps me to get it out, to vent, to maybe find other people who are going through the same thing. I'm only 2 days into this, not 102. I did care about the OM, whether it was a fantasy, as I'm sure it was, or whether it turns out I really didn't at all, right now I still have feelings & I still miss him & I know it may sound pathetic, it does to me too.

But it will take me time & I'm sorry if I am annoying anyone with my posts.

[norajane]

I agree that focusing on my family would be a good thing for me to do. And I would do that if they were ever here but it seems I am home alone more often than not in the last couple weeks.

 

I think you've been given good advice in terms of getting away from the computer where you're sitting waiting/wishing OM contacts you.

 

And didn't you say the reason you are alone is because your H is taking the girls with him to work so you can be alone cause you're miserable? He's just trying to help you by removing that stress from your life.

 

Get out of the house if you're alone! Start jogging or visit museums on free days. Go bike riding, or go shopping for your kids' back to school stuff. Go get some groceries for a special meal for your family when they get home. Go to your local college and put up a notice for a regular baby-sitter, and start interviewing them and checking their references.

 

Take your girls on an outing somewhere - a picnic in the park or a music festival in the next town over. There's no reason they have to go to your husband's business is there? Or, since they are there with him, go with them yourself and see if there's anything you can do to help out right now. What's the point of waiting until they're back in school to start helping him since your'e sitting around doing nothing right now?

 

Work on some house projects - surely there are flowers or vegetables to tend in the garden or a lawn to mow, or a basement to clear out, or closets to organize? Maybe you've always wanted to paint the kitchen or replace the linoleum?

[InaPanic]

norajane, that is all good advice. But I just have had a hard time starting & sticking to anything. I don't want to focus on OM all the time but it seems no matter what I do he's in my head. It's crazy. We spent so much time on my cell phone talking that every place I go in my town makes me think of any numerous time I was here & talking to him. And because I stupidly allowed him to come to my town once every time I pass the hotel or the places we went I think of him. These are things that will hopefully get better with time along with me.

Right now my biggest struggle is still sticking to the NC. Today is being a hard morning for me but so far so good.

[Rooster_DAR]

Hi!

 

I am on the side of what your husband is inevitibly going to discover. I am experiencing the side of your husband with my now Ex fiance, and I can honestly tell you it's a fate worse than death knowing that the person you trusted and loved so much has deceived you. I'm not here to criticize you, but to make you understand what you are doing to not only yourself, but to your husband (who is at this point has his total trust and commitment to you) is going to be crippling and scarring to both of you. Your husband will suffer terribly inside, and this will destroy the trust in your relationship such that it would take a lot of work to ever get back to a healthy relationship. On another note, I can tell you from my experience and from research, the feeling you have for the OM are a complete fantasy, the release of a chemical in your brain that is driving your obsession. This chemical reaction in no different than that of any chemical addition (cocaine, heroine, etc..), and is only temporary after it peaks. While this (in love) obession plays an important role in coupling/pairing humans into realtionships, you are in a committed relationship and there should have been boundaries in place in your relationship that stopped this before it got started. With that in mind, the misconception that being in love is true love is absolutely false, and our entertainment culture (Box Office Movies, Lifetime, etc..) seems to have their pull in potraying an incorrect value of what love is. Love is more about maturity, communication, sacrifice, and the ability to survive the ebb and flow of what long term relationships present. My advice, love your man before it is too late and remember what made you fall in love with your husband. If you feel you do not/cannot ever love your man again, for the sake of destroying a man, you need to decide what you want and don't let him suffer. You might regret it terribly when your husband decides he cannot deal with this and moves on to a new life.

 

Remeber the man you fell in love with

Remember the little things that brought you where you are

Realize that commitment is about sticking it out, even during the boring and dull times

Realize it takes work to make a relationship lasts, and the work will payoff and build an even stronger relationship

Build some boundaries, and talk to your husband about everything including any attractions you may have to someone else

Talk, Talk, Talk

 

Regards

[InaPanic]

I broke over & sent a PM to OM yesterday. What the hell is wrong with me. I was suffering more on day 4 than any other day yet. He didn't respond immediatly because he was away from the computer. When he did I didn't respond back. I figured he would presume I was away from the computer. He tried to call & sent me another Pm both later in the day.

I am so ashamed of myself. I haven't actually talked to him but I don't know what to do since i inciated this. As of right now i am going to try to just ignore & i am not going to call back.

I have to make it through this, yesterday I was absolutely having a full blown anxiety attack. I read about this in a book when you are trying to get over an addiction to a person but I was like a caged animal on the inside yesterday. I wish I could have made it & been stronger but so far I haven't contacted him....

[swirly27]

Panic,

 

NC is very hard and most likely it does get harder before it gets easier. In the beginning, you're not being ignored back for very long and as time goes on, when it is hard for you, then you start to realize "he's not contacting me either" and that starts to play with your head. For me it has been over 2 1/2 weeks since I ended things but I did call once and leave a message last thurs. so a week and a day for NC.

 

I reread thru all of this though and I would hate to see you throw everything else away because of a fantasy or obesession you found with this OM. You may not be able to see it now that way but I bet all it would take is for your husband to find out and leave and then your whole world and everything you feel for the OM would change. I believe you are taking what you do have for granted and that is human, but try and do stuff to figure it out. Since you have all this time on your hands, have you looked into talking to a therapist. Confidentiality is a given and it could help to release all your feelings. What about friends, is there anyone you are able to confide in right now?

[InaPanic]

Panic,

 

You may not be able to see it now that way but I bet all it would take is for your husband to find out and leave and then your whole world and everything you feel for the OM would change. I believe you are taking what you do have for granted and that is human, but try and do stuff to figure it out.

 

 

I have thought a lot about this & I totally agree. I DO take my H for granted, I know I do. 18 years of being treated like any woman would want to be treated. Even I know "wtf is wrong with me?" is what I should be thinking. The OM is so firmly planted in my head right now is my biggest problem. I am not kidding when I say it's a sickness. And until I get him out of my life or get over him on my own I don't think I can work on building my marriage back.

I do think that if my H left me or indicated he might, it would snap me into reality so damn fast my head would spin. And I have thought about fessing up for that reason alone. But that's a risky chance, he could leave me. And it's not the right reason to break his heart, to help me get better.

I totally broke NC today. I suck. I cannot believe how hard this has been. I feel like I need to be hospitalized for my own good.

[whichwayisup]

I have thought a lot about this & I totally agree. I DO take my H for granted, I know I do. 18 years of being treated like any woman would want to be treated. Even I know "wtf is wrong with me?"

 

Tell your husband this when the time does come you tell him the truth. It's a way of opening the door of communication. Who knows? Maybe he isn't happy at all and is scared to talk to you because you're down and out.

 

As for the NC, I will find you the link, unless someone else has recommended it for you, but read no foolin's thread The Long guided walk to NC...

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

There's the link, it's in the coping section.