Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 I know my ex-boyfriend isn't good for me. But, for whatever reason, I can't let go. I am addicted to him. After two years of being off-and-on, he broke up with me about a month ago. When we broke up we agreed to remain friends and have since hung out as friends on several occassions. However, when I recently found out (thru a friend) that my ex-boyfriend was going on a date with another girl, I initiated NC. I was successful for 5 days, but caved on the 5th day because he called me twice during that 5-day span and I felt guilty for disappearing without any explanation. Like I said, I know he isn't good for me. He can't (or won't) give me what I need (i.e. commitment). He is detached and emotionally unavailable. On top of all that, he has lied to me on numerous occassions and betrayed me twice. So, even though I know all of this, why can't I let go? How do I overcome this addiction? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Like I said, I know he isn't good for me. He can't (or won't) give me what I need (i.e. commitment). He is detached and emotionally unavailable. On top of all that, he has lied to me on numerous occassions and betrayed me twice. So, even though I know all of this, why can't I let go? How do I overcome this addiction? I picture addictions as being like one enormous need - eg for comfort or stimulation - that is constantly being transferred around from one thing to another. Does that sound familiar? If so, would you say that your need is to feel loved and cared for...or is it for excitement? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 Gotta go cold turkey. Stop with the friends stuff - you aren't capable of being his friend. Friends don't care if their friends date. Every time you talk with him, it reawakens your longings. Cold turkey, NC. Just tell him you can't be friends with him at this time, and go NC until it no longer bothers you to imagine him dating/falling in love with other women. Then, maybe, you can consider whether you might be ready to open the door for friendship. But by the time you don't care if he's seeing someone else, you probably won't care if he's in your life or not anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 18, 2006 Share Posted August 18, 2006 I picture addictions as being like one enormous need - eg for comfort or stimulation - that is constantly being transferred around from one thing to another. Does that sound familiar? If so, would you say that your need is to feel loved and cared for...or is it for excitement? I would say both. I need to feel loved and cared for, but I also need excitement. But there's more of a need for love and care. It's interesting because even though my ex-boyfriend no longer provides me with that love or care (to the extent I want), I still seek it from him. Link to post Share on other sites
garnet Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 the main thing you should ask yourself is, why on earth would you want to be friends, or especially more, with someone who has lied to you and betrayed you? Surely you know that you deserve more than that. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Stand up for yourself. I know what it feels like to be in this siutation. But trust me, the more distance you create from him, the more clearly you'll begin to see what type of person he is and begin to move on. No one who would lie to you and betray you is worthy of your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Apathetic Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 Oh boy this sounds as if I posted it.I am in the same situation as you.My BF & I broke up back in March & since then I have tried on numerous occasions to walk away & stick w/ NC.Its almost 6 months later & I am still holding on & we are still talking/hanging out & even have had sex twice since the end of May.The most recent I have seen him was just last weekend. He has been hooking up( but NO sex) w/ some other girl since June.I honestly do not know why I am still talking to him as I am getting NOTHING positive from the situation.Maybe I enjoy the pain & BS,who knows..One thing I do know is how hard it will be for you to let go & what a painful situation it is to be in.Just know you arent alone Link to post Share on other sites
InaPanic Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 It's interesting because even though my ex-boyfriend no longer provides me with that love or care (to the extent I want), I still seek it from him. I am feeling this exact same way. I had an EA & I feel very addicted to OM. For the past month he hasn't provided me with what I craved from him, love & affection & attention. But it only made me want it more from him. I have no idea why it's so hard to let go of a 'fantasy' & that's all it is because obviously these men are not what we thought they were. But we keep hoping they become it again so NC is very hard. I'm only on day 2 of NC. Struggling already. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 We all have the capacity to become addicted to someone or some thing. When we become addicted to an outside entity we are avoiding facing whatever causes us fear. Fear of our futue and taking responsibility of our lives. The fear of going after what we really want in our lives. Happiness and Rspect. When you are not Afraid of anything. You Don't Become Attached or Addicted to Anything. Because your confidence and esteem will say to you 'You don't Need this person who is not good for you. You Deserve better.' Your confidence and esteem will say to you 'You don't this drug, or drink or food or person who doesn't love you because they are no contributing to making you feel better.' If your ex is seeing other people (this blatant mesaage is telling he does not want to be in a reltionship with you. Period. That's acceptable. But if you are not feeling good with this decison why are you willing to remind yourself daily that you are not what he wants. It's simply reinforcing an image of rejection. If you had written that the sitauation was OK by you then this does not apply BUT you didn't write that. You have only said you felt guilty (a form offear) so you opted to continue putting your own esteem down as oppose to facing the fear. You have no reason to feel guilty for not satying in a situation that doesn't elevuate your self esteem. Look around you at those who are truly confident (not arrogant) They know when something is not working and are not afraid of cutting out what does not work for them. They know addiction to things outside of them are unhealthy choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts