SuaSponte Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 Sorry for not posting this in the Sexual Relationships area, but it's not really about sex... I have this strange obsession with my fiance's sexual past. It is totally inappropriate, and I have no idea what it stems from or what the actual root of the problem is. I have asked him whether he will divulge how many women he has slept with prior to meeting me, and he cringes, and then promises me that there is a time and place for sharing that sort of information; however, it never seems to be the right time. I don't think it should matter nor do I know why I keep asking such a horrible question, but it just sort of comes out every now and then. Perhaps it is because he asked me the same thing in a roundabout sort of way, and I actually answered. Whenever he slips up and reveals something about his sexual history, I get this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, I become incredibly depressed, and I lose any and all desire to be intimate for several days. It is really just a strange obsession even though when I pursue it, all I do is end up making myself feel awful. He's done all these things with all of these other women, and it drives me insane yet I want to know more! And then when I find out more, I sink into a horrible state of depression! Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Rikka Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 I can totally empathize. I have had similar feelings. All I can tell you is to remember that he had a life before you came along BUT (and this is the important part) he is with you now, not with any of them. Remember that he loves you and has chosen to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 What would be the worst thing he could ever tell you about his sexual past? That he has slept with 100 + women? That he has had threesomes, and was into swinging? That he dated models? That he dated lapdancers? That he had one night stands? That he was a cheater? That he slept with committed people? That he could have sex without strings? That he tried everything one can imagine in sex-land, and also some things one can't imagine? I think that once you have sorted out what your biggest worry is, you will have worked out at least a part of your problem. Are you worried that you don't have anything special, that he has not found already in someone else? Or you are more worried about your fiance's morals and personality? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 I have the same feelings you describe, but not for several days. they only last for several minutes then I say to myself: "Hey, he is married to you! He loves you! What difference does it make if he enjoyed with them and even if they were better, it's in the past. He is not thinking of them now!" Of course, this goes through my mind all in a fraction of a second and I leave it alone. Sometimes I recall his words about other women, but I always find ways to persuade myself that it's irrational. We've had fights about him receiving email from a woman he never met in person and there was nothing going on. So the silliness in jealousy has no limits. My advice to you and me and all the women out there is to ignore EVERY SINGLE attack of jealousy. They are ALL bad and ruin the relationship. None of them is justified to be a cause for a fight or a problem in our hearts. Believe me, whatever you decide to think, you will think. And when you think differently, you will feel differently. You can ask your guy to not disclose any intimate info from the past. It might leave a bad impression, but it will save your heart and pride. Link to post Share on other sites
leopardprint Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 I don't know.... I personally wouldn't mind about his sexual past, as long as I know 1.) he's told me the truth, and has atleast admitted he has had sex before with partners, 2.) he's clean from any type of STD, and 3.) he's not a cheater, as in, he would not sleep around when I was with him. I'd rather focus on his relationship (and sexual relationship) with me, during the now, then make my self crazy wondering who he's slept with in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 We all have a right to our past; those experiences are what have made us who we are today. Without those experiences, we'd be fundamentally different people. Accept that he has a past, and recognize that the man you love is who he is now, and knows he wants to be with you now, because of those experiences. Who is he? A man who loves being with you, and is committed to your future together. That's all that really counts. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 19, 2006 Share Posted August 19, 2006 I personally wouldn't mind about his sexual past, as long as I know 1.) he's told me the truth, and has atleast admitted he has had sex before with partners, I don't think my partner owes me any information or explanation about his past sexual affairs. I would hate to find out that he has had a marriage that he anulled and never told me about. Or a child he has hidden from me. Or been in jail for having sex with a 14-year old... You get the picture. But who am I to ask him how many partners he's had and what he did with them, when, where, why, how many times, and request details? We do talk about past sexual experiences, but it's not interrogation since I have to respect his privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
littlemadie Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 What if he had broken up with you and slept with another girl and then he finally finds out that she is not the one he loves and then comes back to you ? How would one feel ? Had sex with another then comes back to you ? Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 sweetie some things are better left unsaid. sometimes too much information of our past sexual encounters can leave another feeling weird and somewhat jealous. perhaps you should just have a talk with him the next time it comes up and tell him that some of the things he says bothers you a little, sure you know hes got a past and so does everyone, but when trying new things, please dont mention who or when he tried it with last. he should be ok with it however you have to say it in the most sincere way so it doesnt start a arguement because thats not what you intend to do at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuaSponte Posted August 21, 2006 Author Share Posted August 21, 2006 Thank you to all who responded! You were incredibly helpful and really helped me put this issue into perspective. I appreciate it immensely! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Thank you to all who responded! You were incredibly helpful and really helped me put this issue into perspective. I appreciate it immensely! Google the term "retroactive jealousy". You will get all the info you need. Link to post Share on other sites
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