18 year affair

[Pathetic]

Hi everyone. This is my first post. Apologise in advance if the etiquette here is not to spill everything about yourself, as I'm about to do, but I desperately need to 'talk' about this.

 

I am single (divorced 18 years ago) and have been having an affair with a married man for 18 years since then. During that time I never went near another guy, not even close. I never asked him to leave his wife because I was always afraid of the answer and was happy to have what I had. 8 months ago I had a fling with a guy that lasted less than a few weeks. This was as a result of me feeling there was no point in going on with the MM but I didn't have the guts to tell him. I even intended sending him a letter (but I didn't). He found out about the fling, was devastated and within a week was talking about leaving his wife and living with me. I told him that was great but only if it was forever. I love this man more than life itself. He left a few weeks later, moved in and life was great. It was interspersed with very difficult times where he wanted to talk about my fling and got upset that I wanted to dump him for someone I had no intention of having a relationship with. He said he only carried on for 18 years because I never asked him to leave. It became my fault. Had I given him an ultimatum, apparently he may have. So 5 months down the line, having been living a life together, been on holiday, done everything together, but still with this problem of the fling, he decides he can't live with me anymore because he can't get out of his mind what I did, and he misses his son (who by the way is 18 years old, although still at home). He admits it was a mistake, he decided too quickly after my fling to leave, it was a knee-jerk reaction to what I did. He should have thought about it longer and 'got over' what I did. So he packs his case and goes back to his wife who welcomes him with open arms.

 

I am devastated.

 

The next day he visits and says he doesn't know if he's made the biggest mistake of his life. We keep talking and he claims undying love. In the last week, he apparently decided it was only fair to stop contact and he ignored my calls. It lasted all of 5 days, we met and again he declared undying love. He hasn't given up hope of us being together but he still can't get his head round what I did and couldn't come back until he could deal with that. Meanwhile he is happy for us to see each other on an intimate basis but of course only when it suits HIM so the wife doesn't know. When I do see and speak to him, he can't cope with my tears and often hangs up the phone then switches it off so I can't phone back. He has huge swings in mood when he goes from declaring his love to calling me a slut for having the fling (remember that's the one I had as a single woman when he was still with his wife....).

 

Now I've typed this, I know how ridiculous it is. I know what I should do. I know he should suffer by me not allowing him to see me, after all he walked out on me.

 

Life was great, thought it was forever and in one fell swoop, it's gone.

 

Any advice anyone ?

 

Thanks xxx

[newbby]

i just dont know. i cant imaine being in an affair for so long. when i read your post, all i could think was that this man has had complete control of you for so long. you were too scared to ask for what you really wanted...for 18 years! thats a long time.

ON THE OTHER HAND

it is somehwat understandable that he would be upset about the fling after all, this was still a relationship, and i guess he trusted you within that. it is a double standard but, perhaps he did not see it that way since things had always been the way they had. perhaps he felt his relationship with you was more honest as you always knew he was married.

HOWEVER

you still seem to be too scared to be assertive with him, which is what resulted in the fling in the first place. maybe it is time you stood up for what you want and have NC til you get it...

[Sami_D]

I hope you don't mind me saying, but he does sound somewhat flakey. He is blaming you for just about every decision he's made, while he is busy flitting backwards and forwards and hurting everyone.

 

I know you've invested a lot of time in this man, but... do you really think he's worth it?

[lovernotafighter]

in a really weird way I understand what he is going through but of coarse in the same token he is being a total hypocrite because 18 years he has been having sex with his wife.

 

the reason I understand is because my MM and I are both married..we except theses roles that we sleep with our spouses but oddly enough we are jealous of everyone else we spend time with.

 

my MM wrestles with this more than me...I think men are more possessive sexually than women..but that hardly means squat huh?

 

he's gas lighting by blaming you for all his errors in the relationship and that's total bullsh*t. but you can blame yourself also for helping him keep the status quo of the relationship as is (me too ,I am not casting stones here)

 

but my advice to you here would be this...tell him he's a hypocrite,tell him he's gas lighting and then tell him if he doesn't leave you alone your going to tell the wife...which will certainly put the nail in the coffin...he wants the affair ,he wants his cake and eat it to...you made it easy for him to have everything and it's probably time you quit hurting.

[Guest]

My heart goes out to you because I do think he loves you but not whole heartedly. You need to follow your inner voice, it is telling you the correct answer if you will listen. Re-read your message, it is all in there. Stop giving away your power and stop letting someone else control you, you deserve better that what you have received in the last 18 years. His wife also deserves better.

[JamesM]

The part I got hung up on is that he gets mad at you for cheating on him? I am sorry... if he doesn't commit to one woman, then you shouldn't be held to a different rule.

[movinon05]

I thought my 7 years was bad. This is almost unfathomable. Everyone is right. How he can expect you to not be with anyone and he is with his wife?? It doesn't show much respect for you!

 

Look, I've managed to move on and enjoy my life again. You can too! You deserve much more than this!

[Pathetic]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your comments. It's been 4 weeks and I feel just as bad as I did that day. I know I need to move on but I really do adore the guy and I really do know he loves me. I know I should cut all ties and perhaps this would be enough to make him realise and make a final decision. If he came back, of course it would have to be forever, but would I spend the rest of my life worrying he would leave again. I just don't know what to think. I'm really a poor excuse for a woman right now.

[lovernotafighter]

The part I got hung up on is that he gets mad at you for cheating on him? I am sorry... if he doesn't commit to one woman, then you shouldn't be held to a different rule.

 

fine looking avatar you got there:love:

[FlyingRose]

I read your thread and was giving a reply only because I think lots of opinions sometimes can make a person feel better I guess you should just go by your heart and probably things will fall back into place one way or the other he will eventually get the affair that you had out of his head and I guess I can see why you did it but why it felt like he had been deceived since you already knew he was married that was kind of part of the package sometimes a man can have an affair on his wife and the two relationships are so different that they don't even feel like there is an issue but you on the other hand were feeling shorted because you had to hide your relationship with MM I had an affair with a married man when I was a teenager for 3 years but of course I knew he would never leave his wife and I never even expected him to and I ended the relationship finially when I met someone I thought I could really have a relationship with but I will say no love as ever replaced the feeling I shared with him I saw him on and off over the years up until 3 years age when he passed on we only had sex once after I ended my relationship with him which was 26 years ago now but we would talk and always hug and he would always make me feel better about myself because he made me feel like I was worth something so I really don't regret having the affair but it did not provide me with the kind of relationship I needed for fullfilling my life with a marriage of my own and a child of my own so I guess it is whether you feel like you need more right now or not sometimes one can find what they need just in an affair and other times you know in your gut whether it is time to move on and if he is not compassionate enough to forgive you or realize how much he is hurting you by being so insensitive to your feelings maybe he really isn't the guy for you anyway In time the pain won't be so severe and in the mean time if it helps you to deal with it just continue to see him on his terms until you feel you are ready to move on one day you will just know that you are done and it will be easier to let go after someone hurts you over and over again so many times you eventually will feel numb and just want to be done with it all. Good Luck FLYINGROSE:confused:

[Blind Illusion]

Pathetic, my heart goes out to you as well. You know what I think made it so much worse for you. That he did leave for a bit and live with you. All these years, you never allowed yourself to hope and now, because of his action of leaving, you did.

 

I don't have any wise words of advice....just lots of understanding.

[Sami_D]

I know I should cut all ties and perhaps this would be enough to make him realise and make a final decision. If he came back, of course it would have to be forever, but would I spend the rest of my life worrying he would leave again. I just don't know what to think. I'm really a poor excuse for a woman right now.

 

 

I don't know if you could be certain he'd never leave again, but what in this life is certain, anyway? I think you're right that NC would be the best thing you can do now, both for yourself, and as the only real way to put the relationship to the test.

 

I was going to say that NC allows the MM to make his choice in his own time, and without pressure from the OW. But having seen how your MM has blamed you in the past for his decisions, he'd probably view NC as some kind of emotional blackmail.

 

Don't put yourself down. We all make mistakes and we're all weak at times. You're trying your best.

[Guest]

Pathetic, my heart goes out to you as well. You know what I think made it so much worse for you. That he did leave for a bit and live with you. All these years, you never allowed yourself to hope and now, because of his action of leaving, you did.

 

I don't have any wise words of advice....just lots of understanding.

 

Yes, that's exactly it. The fact that he did leave and we lived together, okay not for long but we never spent a day apart for 5 months and it all felt so bloody wonderful. He admitted that this was the only thing between us and he can't get it out of his head. He says that had this not been between us, we would have lived happily ever after and unfortunately I believe that.

 

Thanks for everyone's caring. It does make me feel a little less lost and alone.

[yesmaybe]

You must be clear about what YOU want. If you want him, and you want him forever, then you have to resolve to make that happen.

 

Your fling may be a blessing in disguise - it has shown MM that he can lose you at any time. After all, you are single. He never claimed you. I think he's panicking because now he realizes just how vulnerable the relationship is.

 

A similar situation happened with me and my MM. I was sick and tired of him treating me poorly, so I started seeing other guys. I had fun flings. There was no big drama about it. I just sincerely wanted to enjoy being single.

 

When MM found out, I made sure I framed the situation as: what can you give me that none of these other awesome, young single guys can't?

 

That was 6 months ago. I never wavered from my position. And, that is the only reason why our relationship is evolving to a definite end goal.

[Sami_D]

He admitted that this was the only thing between us and he can't get it out of his head. He says that had this not been between us, we would have lived happily ever after and unfortunately I believe that.

 

 

So he stays M to another woman for 18 YEARS while you dutifully wait for him. You have a short fling with someone else.

 

And yet it's YOUR fault that you and he don't live 'happily ever after'?

 

I really don't know how he can be so selfish, self-absorbed and blaming as to land YOU with the whole reason this didn't work out! What, you couldn't go on being a doormat for another 18 years..? Nothing to do with him dragging his feet for almost two decades? Nothing to do with the fact that he can't deal with what you've had to cope with every day for what must be a significant part of your adult life?

 

He's just looking for a convenient reason to make you responsible for his not being able to take a mature decision and stick with it.

[RecordProducer]

It seems that you were all happy with the situation for long 18 years. I won't try to guess why it was good for you since I don't know you, but I would assume that you were happy since it lasted for so long, you never asked him to leave his wife (you would have if you wanted to), and you never looked at other men.

 

Well finally you did and Mister Possessive gets jealous. He was obviously living in unofficial bigamy for 18 years expecting from both his wives to be faithful to him, while he didn't have that obligation. Well, he was faithful to both of you, which makes him double faithful, I guess.

 

Surprisingly, you seem to be wishing for the old situation to return: to be his full-time mistress. I don't know if that's an advantage or disadvantage to be so tolerant as you've been all these years and be happy with the love - which other women would categorize as crumbs - you were getting.

 

He obviously does love you. It would be insane to date someone for 18 years without deep feelings. He was happy having two women in his life, you were happy to be free and have a man who wouldn't leave you - a secure lover.

 

It's very hard to advise you when we don't know anything about you, but what I would want for you is to see you in love with someone else, growing old with a man that will be only yours. It seems that you were happy with the situation for so long, because you didn't know any better. You were used to living in a little box happy that they stick a little bit of affection through a little hole in it. I get the feeling that you never really explored life and all your opportunities. Well maybe it's time for you to do it now.

[newbby]

I get the feeling that you never really explored life and all your opportunities. Well maybe it's time for you to do it now.

 

i agree. you went straight from marriage to this. i suppose it was safe, and gave you the illusion of being single...just guessing.

[movinon05]

So he stays M to another woman for 18 YEARS while you dutifully wait for him. You have a short fling with someone else.

 

And yet it's YOUR fault that you and he don't live 'happily ever after'?

 

I really don't know how he can be so selfish, self-absorbed and blaming as to land YOU with the whole reason this didn't work out! What, you couldn't go on being a doormat for another 18 years..? Nothing to do with him dragging his feet for almost two decades? Nothing to do with the fact that he can't deal with what you've had to cope with every day for what must be a significant part of your adult life?

 

He's just looking for a convenient reason to make you responsible for his not being able to take a mature decision and stick with it.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. He has been extremely selfish. My exMM was very much like this although he did keep promising me he was leaving which was what I had clung to all those years and believed him. But I felt like a bird in a cage. He was angered when I went out with friends. He wanted me to stop being friends with some of them because they might talk me out of this. I spent many many lonely nights crying or dressing up for him to not show up. Once it was over I was very angry with myself feeling that I had wasted 7 whole years of my life for a man who wasn't willing to give me what I was giving him. But I realize there was a reason that all of this happened to me and I have become a much stronger and better person. And I don't want to spend the rest of my years being alone, unhappy and crying.

 

You don't sound strong right now. He's obviously as possessive as my MM was and I am sure the emotional bond you both have is extremely strong as was mine. BUT, he IS blaming you for his failure even though you had an agreement. And when push came to shove, he chose his W over you. That should be reason enough to move on. Please don't let yourself be alone and lonely. Don't allow him to tell you how to live your life. He has NO RIGHT!!We're only on this earth once! You've already invested too much time. As simple as it may sound, if he loves you that much, then he will understand how you feel and want you to be happy for you, NOT FOR YOU TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. That is not your destiny. Want more for yourself!