Another trial separation

[LakesideDream]

Riding to the rescue on the White Horse isn't going to do you any good. You will just feel like you are being "more controlling" then convince yourself that because you worked on/fixed her car, you took "control" of the situation and made the marital problems worse.

 

You need to step back and let here take care of herself like she claims to want to.

[a4a]

Completely ignoring her is also a control thing.

 

Simply ask her if she wants your help with this. Bite your tongue if you feel a snarky remark coming up on you during this stressful time.

 

People stop and listen to what the professional therapist is saying here.

 

For him to go to the other end of things and say "screw you, your on your own now" is not the way to solve the problem......that only sends another message to his wife along the lines of "I told you so, nah nah you cannot make it without me, nah nah" "gonna stick to your thighs"

 

How about saying Teri if you need my help I am happy to help you but you need to help fix this too and help figure out how we can tackle this.

 

(sounds kinda like the weight loss issue doesnt it in a way)

 

Don't take over the entire project. Don't make all the decisions.

 

This is indeed a fine oppurtunity to open new doors and learn how to discuss and handle things.

 

Sometimes I believe stupid rotten things happen for a good reason.

[PWSX3]

Thanks a4a,

we are still trying to work on our marriage and the reason Teri is leaving me is to figure out if she still loves me not if she can live on her own even though she wants to come & go without having to answer to anyone.

My dad has a bodyshop & I can do most of the work so that will save a lot of money.

Teri did say she would pay me for fixing her car & she is the one that can get in as much overtime as she wants and with me staying in our duplex money is really going to be tight for me so this could be like a part time job for me.

 

Trust me the thought did cross my mind that she wants to be on her own here you go, but I just feel if I don't help her that will just push us farther apart on what we really want to work on and that is getting back together down the road.

Luckily we have 4 vehicles so she is driving mine & I'll drive Patrick's Sami while we figure things out.

 

As for Teri helping out I don't know what there would be for her to do. I looked on line for parts this morning & my dad will give them a call this morning. After that it's just a matter of fixing the car.

Last night she did try and help with getting the car on the car dolly but if she can't figure something out she gives up to easy so she just said; I can't figure out how this works and let me finish it.

If she would pay me to fix it then that would be a way of her helping out and like I said it would help me out as well.

 

Yes this did happen for a reason, I just don't know why and I might not ever know.

[a4a]

Well once you get the estimate together let her make the decision and ask her to come up with a payment plan. Of course using good communication to do so.

 

 

and when she quits and hands it to you ...... Say "just in case this ever happens again and I cannot be here to do this...... this is how you do it. I am sure that you can do it once you learn how it works."

 

Many people would not know how to use a car dolly. Again you cannot assume that she should just know or figure it out. If the car was not put on correctly it could cause more problems correct?

 

Fine example in my own life of fear of not knowing how to do something:

 

My H was clueless about how to properly trim a horse hoof.... still not a pro but learning from me. The other day he actually attempted it on his own.

He did not trim enough but I said I will be happy to show you the proper trim on that horse.......not anything negative at all. Just because I know how I cannot assume that he should and more so I do not think he should just go for something so important that it could kill the horse if he really does not know how or fears cutting it too close..... that is reasonable for him to have held back to where he knew he was ok and would not cause damage.

 

The toe is too long but he did a fine job on the heels and filing out the flare.

 

If you are in a role of teacher you must recognize and praise effort.

[a4a]

As for Teri helping out I don't know what there would be for her to do. I looked on line for parts this morning & my dad will give them a call this morning. After that it's just a matter of fixing the car.

Last night she did try and help with getting the car on the car dolly but if she can't figure something out she gives up to easy so she just said; I can't figure out how this works and let me finish it.

If she would pay me to fix it then that would be a way of her helping out and like I said it would help me out as well.

 

Yes this did happen for a reason, I just don't know why and I might not ever know.

 

 

look at this closely and try to recall how each thing made you feel.

[PWSX3]

I guess I just want to get the car fixed so she can have it back since it gets better gas milage then the one she is driving now.

 

When I was looking for parts this morning it didn't make me feel like anything, I was just doing what a man does.

Something is broken so I'm fixing it, but I see your point I haven't asked Teri her thoughts nor have I included her in the repair of her vehicle.

[onmyownagain]

Seems to me like she is going to end up with the best of both worlds. She will be free to go out having the time of her life with new men etc. but always have you there to pick up the pieces if anything happens to go wrong.

[a4a]

Seems to me like she is going to end up with the best of both worlds. She will be free to go out having the time of her life with new men etc. but always have you there to pick up the pieces if anything happens to go wrong.

 

 

ehh I don't think so I think Perry is quite capable to draw that line when needed.

 

Right now they do need to work on their communication as they do have a son involved as well in this. Quite honestly if he ends up with her gone and he has done the right thing and put the effort into bettering himself he comes out the winner in this regardless. And his son will end up having a great dad too.

 

Usually doing the right thing and looking at the big picture is much harder than just slapping band aids on and having a quick fix by making yourself feel good in the moment.

[PWSX3]

Well Teri called me from work this evening and said she was going to stop by a place that she rented today, it's only a mile from our place so it will be nice for Patrick to go back and forth.

Patrick and I are going out of town this weekend for two days so Teri is planning on moving out while we are gone.

I know it's for the best for her to gather her thoughts but it will be hard on me not having her around.

Tomorrow we go see the counsoler together to learn what the rules & things are we have to do while separated. Since both of us hope we will get back together we have to still work sometime down the road going back to counsoling together & then maybe starting to date again, etc. How long will that take I guess is up to Teri, she has to start missing me before that will happen and who's to say she ever will.

I still need to work on things for me & make myself a better person and I also have to tell you when she called me today at noon she said she was impressed on how I handled the situation last night so she is seeing some improvements already.

As for her vehicle we still need to talk about that tonight because I have a feeling it is going to shock her on how much it will cost to fix and that is me giving her a deal on labor.

[onmyownagain]

I still think you need to distance yourself completely. Pretend you are done with her even though this will hurt inside, it will also hurt her, which I think she needs at the moment.

 

She is never going to miss you if you are always there like a puppy. When you go away for the weekend don't contact her and when you get back keep contact down to text messages and then only when necessary.

 

If this doesn't make her miss you then I think you are wasting your time.

 

When you get back together then you can worry about your power struggle.

[PWSX3]

I still think you need to distance yourself completely. Pretend you are done with her even though this will hurt inside, it will also hurt her, which I think she needs at the moment.

 

She is never going to miss you if you are always there like a puppy. When you go away for the weekend don't contact her and when you get back keep contact down to text messages and then only when necessary.

 

If this doesn't make her miss you then I think you are wasting your time.

 

When you get back together then you can worry about your power struggle.

Went to the counsoler today with Teri and she made sure we had all the money situation agreed on, then made sure our son knew what and where he is going to be (every other week) and then asked what we wanted to start with so I left that up to Teri since she is the one that needs her space and she said; no contact at all for the first month then we go see the counsoler for the next step.

Teri was wondering what she would think of for the first month and I told her she will be so excited to be able to come & go without ANYONE telling her what to do she will just enjoy that part. If for some reason we need to get a hold of each other because of a bill or somethig to do with Patrick then we email each other but I'm going to try my best not to bother her at all, I'll figure out whatever comes up.

She also said 2 weeks ago she didn't have a lot of hope for us to get back together but with all the talking and working on things (such as her wreck) she said there is a better chance now then two weeks ago so that is a good sign.

[PWSX3]

I want to share a little story with you guys because if it wasn't for everyone here on the board I would have never done this or at least not now.

 

Last night Patrick called and asked for me to come pick him up from school, he said to meet him on the side of the gym.

I pull up to the side we have met before and waited and waited and no Patrick. I call him a couple times on the phone and no answer. By now I'm getting a little mad because I don't like waiting for anyone specially when they are suppose to be at a certain place.

So I drive around to the other side of the gym and call and still nothing so I wait a little longer and decide to walk to the gym and see if I can find him. This hole time I am thinking I should have just left and when he called me just tell him I was already up there and he can find his own way home now. When I got to the door of the gym Patrick came running out after a frisbee and he saw me & said; I need to get my books.

On my way back to the vehicle I thought to myself how can I say something to Patrick without yelling at him?

I sat in the vehicle with him and explained to him when he called to say either meet on the north side of the gym or south. Then I explained to him if he wanted to leave his cell phone on vibrate (because of being in school) then he needed to be outside waiting, but if he wanted to play while waiting for me then he should turn on his phone so when I get there I could call. I don't always know if he is in the gym or in the addbuilding or watching the soccer players.

This is a very big step for me because the old Perry would have just yelled at him for not being outside.

I just wanted to share this with you because even though I have a lot more to learn and understand that I have started and this was a good test.

Want to share something possitive because next week will be tuff with her moving out.

[onmyownagain]

Good luck mate, today is the first day of the rest of your life!

[a4a]

Awesome job with your son. He will listen better if you are not yelling.

 

Don't expect everyone to be perfect (your son ) just because you are taking a new approach with them. They may still not react the way you want all the time...... keep in mind they are human and will mess up.

 

Curious, do you feel better about yourself with your new approach to communication?

[PWSX3]

Don't expect everyone to be perfect (your son ) just because you are taking a new approach with them. They may still not react the way you want all the time...... keep in mind they are human and will mess up.

 

Curious, do you feel better about yourself with your new approach to communication?

I know he might not act like I want because he is a kid and he will forget what we talked about and I'll have to go get him again sometime down the road, but hopefully with me not yelling at him he will gain more respect for me for other situations.

 

Yes I feel a LOT better about myself.

 

Yesterday I learned something about us.

We have a small bedroom, so there isn't much room for furniture. We had a small dresser for Teri that she didn't use much, instead she would just keep her cloths in laundry baskets instead of folding them up and putting them away. Will one day I got an idea to build a stand/shelfing for her to put her baskets in. I thought I was doing her a favor by building them so she could have more room but yesterday at counsoling she told me she didn't like them at all. She felt she wasn't good enough to have her own dresser but she never did tell me she didn't like them and she didn't want the stand/shelf. This is another example of not communicating together and me being controlling even though I thought I was helping her.

With her telling me this there are probably thousands of examples such as this that I have done that she didn't like but never said anything or let me know her opinion.

Yes I have a dresser but it's in the closet on my side so I gave up closet space to have my dresser so it wasn't I had a dresser in the room and she didn't.

[a4a]

well she is going to nit pick the hell outta things. She is in the middle of thinking why am I moving out..... oh yeah the shelves, that is one reason why. As stupid as it sounds she is using them to help pad her case, and to her it is real...... (I repeat) to her it is real.

She should have said something. But this is her problem to work out. Don't attempt to try to fix hers for her.

That would be controlling wouldn't it.

 

Did you ask her why she never said anything to you about the shelves?

 

 

it is good to communicate better, it has it's own rewards....you will feel better about yourself.

 

And super for knowing your son could screw up..... keep that in mind with Teri also....or for that matter the cashier at the gas station. (and yourself)

 

Pick your battles carefully in life..... and try to make them into negotiations if possible instead of battles. You have to speak their language to get them to understand you.

[dgiirl]

a4a is right. Your wife is going to grasp onto every little negative and blow it out of proportion. She's trying to convince herself and everyone else why she needs to leave. She should have said something, and this is nothing that you can control or change. This is her issue. It sounds like you had the best intentions when you built her her shelves. If she wasnt happy she has responsibility to say something.

 

Good work on your kid Not only are you learning to communicate better, you are also teaching your son how too! People will listen to you if you give them the respect and not yell. I know how hard it is not to yell in the heat of the moment, so keep up the good work

[Gunny376]

She felt she wasn't good enough to have her own dresser

 

You're shouldering the burden for all that's wrong with your marriage, and that's not righteous. Sure you've got your own personal issues with being controling and anger management ~ that's apparent. But, I don't see the wife as exactally the leader type. And, someone's got to call the shots. You simply filled the void. That simple.

 

You wife has some serious self esteem issues ~ and that doesn't have anything to do with you, and you can't fix that. (And, yes I've been reading and following this entire thread)

[PWSX3]

Well again I am being tested tonight. At first we went thru some of the furiture and Teri said she just wanted a few things such as the extra TV, extra mattress, some of the utensils now I get a email from her and she wants to take the loveseat after telling me she could borrow one from her sister.

 

She also told me she feels since I am staying in the house that I won again because she is letting me, but at first she said she would move out so again change of mind. Sure I did the same thing when I said I would stay with my folks but I really don't feel it was right that I move out when she is the one that wanted to find herself, plus being at my folks I would be on my own which I feel I need to experiance.

 

I guess I'll be glad when the weekend is over because she will be moved out & we will have a month away from each other with no communication.

Then we will see what the next month will bring.

[PWSX3]

Well last night Teri took a load of stuff to her apartment so around 9:30 I was getting ready for bed & she wasn't home. I went to bed because I need to get up early but around 11:30 then 2:00 I woke up and she still wasn't home so I guess she decided to just stay there for the night, I feel it would have been nice for her to at least say she was going to stay over there so I wouldn't had to worry but it was the first and I know she is wanting to get OUT.

Maybe that is her way of saying; see I can do what I want, I really don't know.

Me & the boy are headed out of town for two days and then we come home to an empty house (Teri won't be here)

 

a4a, recordproducer, Gunny, and the rest of you; as I keep working on my controlling, anger, etc. I hope you will be able to give me some pointers, so far what I have learned from everyone has really helped.

I know all of you have been here a lot longer then I have but I'm welling to learn & wanting to change and I feel that is a good start.

Since Teri & I have no contact for a month it will be hard for me to show her how I am trying to get better but hopefully the next month after she gets some of her feeling straightened out she will see them more clearly and we can move on to try and make this a positive separation.

I talked to a friend at one of our other branches at work and he told me that him & his wife went thru the same thing and after 4 months she came back so Gunny I hope you are correct and Teri & I got on one of those life boats!!!!

Thanks again everyone for all the support and I don't plan on going to far for a while.

[a4a]

did you think that maybe she did not come home because she was crying or upset and did not want you or your son to see it?

 

it could be true???

[PWSX3]

did you think that maybe she did not come home because she was crying or upset and did not want you or your son to see it?

 

it could be true???

No I didn't think of that at all. When she left she was upbeat and just had a few boxes but thanks for pointing that out.

Since she took a lot of the kitchen stuff I just figured it was taking her a while to put the stuff away.

Again I need to think of what her feelings are because she has as many thoughts going thru her head as I do, they are just different ones.

I guess since she is the one that isn't in love with me right now I don't see her being sad about moving out, plus the moving out is something she feels she needs to do.

[PWSX3]

Patrick and I decided to come home early today from our trip and the front door was open and the vehicle was moved but she was nowhere in sight so I moved the vehicle into the driveway and shut the door just so she knew we were back in town. Our first plans were to get home later after dark but we did our hike earlier before it got hot and I'm glad we did because it kicked my a$$!!

I was glad because I really didn't want to see her today, we had just to good of a weekend to wreck it talking to her. We are at my folks just wasting some time so hopefully she will get finished what she needed and I can go and start cleaning up.

I'm glad this was a father-son weekend because most of the stuff we did Teri wouldn't have done them.

 

I was reading some other threads and I also want to ask the counsoler but how do I suppose to keep Teri in my plans for down the road when I won't/can't speak to her for a month???

The post I read said time does make it easier so I would think the longer I am away from her the easier it would be just to throw in the towel of trying to make it work.

 

One of the things I have trouble with is Teri's weight because it's not healthy plus I know it keeps her from doing active things. The counsoler thinks once she has time to think and I'm not telling her not to eat as I posted before then maybe she will start working on it for herself.

 

Well we are back home today and she took everything she said she would plus a few other things I need your explanation or help understanding why.

We have a bunch of things that both of us collect and she never took any of that, but she did take her 101 Dalmation dog set & she took her wedding dress that has been hanging in our closet since we moved in to this place.

She also took our oven toaster that Patrick gave us for Christmas that she has NEVER used, I use it all the time for breakfast hashbrowns, hot dogs, etc. Why would she take that? I know her sister and best friend helped her move out and maybe they had something to do with it I don't know.

I see her taking her wedding dress as either like Patrick said she is giving me more room, which I don't need or all the talk of us getting back together was just something to keep me from getting all mad so she could get out. I am a little confused, but I guess if that is what she had to take to make her happy then I'm o.k. with it for now.

[RecordProducer]

She obviously sees this as a true separation, not trial separation. You see it as a temporary, trial one and wonder why she would take something like a wedding dress, when she is supposed to take only things that she will need in the next few months. I think she won't see your home as her home anymore and soon enough you might be calling the real estate agents. Now I see why she didn't want to work on your relationship 'right now.' It was just to give herself some time and throw sand in your eyes.

 

And she said if you didn't accept the separation, it would be divorce. So right now she wants to divorce you. Your only chance is for her to change her mind. But don't think that at this point she is open to working on your marriage and going back to you after she "finds herself."

 

And the whole thing about finding oneself is bullkrap if you ask me.

[PWSX3]

One of the things Teri wanted to do and the counsoler thought would be a good thing is make up a trial separation agreement so I did one and she did one and we put them together. At the end of mine I listed things I need to work on;

Being controlling

Anger

Passive aggressive

Learning to trust her

So after she retyped the one that had parts from both or ours she added what she is going to work on;

Learning how she feels towards me

Being assertive

Being able to accept that the past has already happened and to let it go

To be able to tell me how she is feeling in a way that I will understand

Why would she add this list if she didn't mean it?? She didn't have it on her first list but she added it once she saw mine. It wouldn't have mattered she could have left it off the list along with mine because she just used parts from both lists to make the final one that we both signed.

 

She has always been the one talking about it being a trial separation not me. I just figured if we didn't do this it would be just a divorce.

We have a appointment with the counsoler the end of the month and that is when we decide the next step.

I suppose you think that might be when she tells me she doesn't want to work on our relationship and it's all over???????

I guess she has me fooled with all her talk.