Another trial separation

[a4a]

I believe it is my controlling habits that forced her to want to get a way. I look back on a lot of things I have done and they weren't nice.

Sure they are just little things but after 25 years they add up to a "BIG" thing for her and she has had enough.

No I don't take all the blame but I could have treated her a lot better, just like Recordproducer said she needed a husband that would be there when she needed someone & I don't feel like I was, she was scared of me because of what I would say.

 

has she said this or are you assuming it?

 

It is obvious she is telling you something by wanting to leave. And yes possible that she just kept her mouth shut and did what she was expected to do because she did not want to rock the boat because of threats or fear of conflict and your reaction.

 

I have a male friend whos wife treats him in a similar manner as you seem to have treated your wife. He will not stand up to her as he feels he would be letting his family down, himself, and she will take the kids and him to the cleaners. But unlike you she has never bothered to see that it has anything to do with her that he has become a workaholic and uses work as an excuse to stay away from her.

 

I have to really wonder about your wifes background and why she never stood up to you....... do you have any clue about this?

 

And don't beat yourself over the head too hard. Realizing a mistake is great but don't flog yourself forever about it. Instead change it.

[PWSX3]

has she said this or are you assuming it?

 

And don't beat yourself over the head too hard. Realizing a mistake is great but don't flog yourself forever about it. Instead change it.

I just asked her and she said it's more because of the controlling and being under my thumb.

 

I do plan on working on the controlling part, because I feel that is a big issue in a relationship.

I know part of the problem was she wouldn't stand up to me so if she was a person that said; no you can't tell me that or no have no say so in that, etc. then maybe I wouldn't be so controlling. I know it takes two people to not get along.

 

As for getting down on myself, sure I wished I would have seen this sooner so our relationship would have been better, but once I get a few bugs worked out I'll be one fine catch for someone.

I have a great imagination for dates, I like giving gifts, etc. Just for an example for our 25th anniversary I made Teri a scrap-book of our last 25 years together. How many guys would do that?????

I know this is just the start of a long road ahead of me because she still hasn't moved out, but because of this thread I know that working on "us" isn't the important part right now I need to fix is "ME" and that is all I have control over right now.

[a4a]

I just asked her and she said it's more because of the controlling and being under my thumb.

 

I do plan on working on the controlling part, because I feel that is a big issue in a relationship.

I know part of the problem was she wouldn't stand up to me so if she was a person that said; no you can't tell me that or no have no say so in that, etc. then maybe I wouldn't be so controlling. I know it takes two people to not get along.

 

As for getting down on myself, sure I wished I would have seen this sooner so our relationship would have been better, but once I get a few bugs worked out I'll be one fine catch for someone.

I have a great imagination for dates, I like giving gifts, etc. Just for an example for our 25th anniversary I made Teri a scrap-book of our last 25 years together. How many guys would do that?????

I know this is just the start of a long road ahead of me because she still hasn't moved out, but because of this thread I know that working on "us" isn't the important part right now I need to fix is "ME" and that is all I have control over right now.

 

 

The scrapebook was wonderful and I am betting that in her eyes she did see this too.... but the negatives outweighed the positives.

 

And you are probably right if you can learn to communicate to the people yu care about speaking their language with respect and let go of your need to control things.... keeping their feelings in mind you will be a hell of a catch.

[PWSX3]

Well to get back to the separation part of my life, here is my situation.

Teri was going to move out but if I stay here it will really be tuff on my as far as paying bills & still having money to still see my counsoler to work on my issues.

Another option is I can move into my folks basement for 3 months or so (Teri's figure because she doesn't think it's fair they have me there any longer) and then I would have money to do the counsoling that I need.

 

I don't know what the laws on if I moved out but my selfishness comes out again (as usual) and says she is the one that wants the separation she move out, but she again told me today she is going into this as finding herself.

Another reason (again selfish) is I have been keeping the duplex pretty clean & I just have this feeling she won't do the same. Again I don't know this but it still is in the back of my head confusing the s*#t out of me.

I know that is part of her growing up and finding her backbone is being responsible for keeping the house clean, etc.

 

I'm at a disavantage because I work with guys and they all say kick her to the curb and go out and party until I drop and that is "NOT" what I want to do. I am trying to make it fair for both of us so we can work on the things we need to help us decide if we do want to contunu our marriage.

[dgiirl]

Practically speaking, I dont think it's a good idea for you to move out. And you staying doesnt necessairly have to mean it's because you are controlling, or you are taking on the attitude of your coworkers. We ALL need to take care of ourselves first. If we cannot get our own needs met, how on earth are we ever going to be happy enough to meet someone else's needs. Practically speaking, you leaving puts you into a disadvantage with the divorce proceedings, and doing that willfully is not a good idea. You dont have to take on the attitude of kicking her to the curb, or doing it to spite her. If she wants to stay, she can stay. If she wants to leave, she can leave. You are NOT controlling that. All you are doing is looking out for your own interests, and you do not want to move.

 

Now, your fear about her not keeping the house clean IS controlling. She's an adult right? She's quite capable of maintaining the house and taking responsibility for it. She might not do it exactly to YOUR standards, but again, this is something that you need to learn to relax on. You need to be able to trust her and show confidence in her ability. It leads back to you being her safe haven. She will not want to be around you if she feels you are constantly judging her and making her feel like crap.

 

How would you feel if I came into your house, went throughout the whole house and went around looking for dust and cobwebs and all that, not saying a word, but you knew what i was doing, and you could see by my face that I was disgusted? Would you be happy or would you kick me the hell out of your house? lol

 

You have to learn to relax and remind yourself that she might not do it exactly the same way as you do, but she's quite capable of maintaining the house, and if she gets stuck, she can call someone.

 

The night my exh left me, one of the things he offered to do was stay with me for 2 weeks to teach me how to live on my own. As if I was a child and needed HIM of all people in my life to show me how to live. Yes, I couldnt cook, I never paid a bill in my life, but I was quite capable of learning! I had a TON of people in my life who I could ask for help from. Friends, coworkers, neighbours, strangers! I did not need him. So I told him if he wanted to go, to go. In which he replied "Dont **** up the house because you want to be "independent"". He was so scared the house would burn down or something. Totally unrealistic and just showed how much confidence he had in my ability. The first thing I learned to do was ask questions. I went to the bank teller and asked how to pay a bill. I went to the bookstore, bought a book on cooking, and learned to cook. Something break in the house? Plenty of men friends online and offline willing to help me. My exh was NOT the only person in the whole world I could ask for help from, and him leaving was the best thing for me, because it was the start of my independence. And guess what, the house is still standing

 

So yes, i dont think you should leave, but the reason is NOT because your wife is not capable of handling the house. She is QUITE capable of handling it, and if not, quite capable of learning! You are not the only one in the whole world who knows all the answers, and in fact, just like my stbxh, some of the things you might "know" might be TOTALLY WRONG.

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, Perry, but this all sounds like total BS to me: the towels, the cakes, the questions you asked her... If that's controlling then I am Mona Lisa!

 

My husband also told me I am not folding the towels neatly enoguh. I told him 'if ya want them neat, fold them yourself.' Case closed.

 

He also teased me about eating much. I told him to find a better-looking woman and that I know I should eat less, I don't need him to tell me anything. Case closed. When he jokes now about me eating more than him, I laugh. Because it's the truth and on the other hand, I am not fat so it doesn't make me feel insecure. The truth hurt Teri, that's the problem.

 

You can't walk on eggs when you live with someone for many years and share everything together. Being a spouse is the most complex role in life; you have to play somebody's best friend, lover, romance provider, gigolo, father, brother, son, room mate, provider, co-worker, co-parent, boss, servant, and mix all that without compromising anything. That's impossible, to say the least.

 

When you live with someone you can't do whatever you want. Period. You have to consider their needs and sometimes fight them if they are too quirky. Nothing in life is perfect and no one will treat you exactly the way you want to be treated 24/7.

 

All the things you mentioned or similar ones (except that I am not fat) I have experienced with my husband and none of them ruined our marriage or even caused a fight between us. He asks me where I go, I don't ask him. It doesn't bother me that he asks me. He asks because he cares. And talking in gloves speaks about lack of closeness. My husband also tells me he has some stuff to discuss and it doesn't break my fragile heart as to why didn't he ask me kindlier. I think it's kind enough.

 

I asked you some questions in my last post that you didn't answer (you don't have to, of course). I also want to ask you this: has Teri always been sweet to you and nothing else? Never nagged or complained? Did she have to obey you? What would have happened if she simply told you that your remarks were out of place and that she wouldn't listen to you or report to you or whatever?

 

You said you didn't beat her or yell at her (thank god). So what was so scary and controlling about you? I am starting to get the impression that she simply got bored of you and decided to taste the freedom of living on her own. She even wants to kick you out of the house. I don't understand what makes her a victim, because I didn't hear one single sign of terrible mistreatment on your part, except for the infidelity 16 years ago.

 

I bet you she will lose a lot of weight now that she will live on her own. Or maybe she wants to be left alone and eat as much as she wants.

[PWSX3]

I asked you some questions in my last post that you didn't answer (you don't have to, of course). I also want to ask you this: has Teri always been sweet to you and nothing else? Never nagged or complained? Did she have to obey you? What would have happened if she simply told you that your remarks were out of place and that she wouldn't listen to you or report to you or whatever?

I have a few more questions: did she ever tell you how she felt about your negative comments and complaints? If yes, how did you react? Did she criticize you also or was it only you who criticized her? Was she a good wife overall? How much did her weight bother you? Was she thin when you married her? How do you look?

First you have to remember she is bringing stuff up such as the towels that was done over 20 years ago so I can't remember.

She told me when she was folding the towels I told her; that isn't how my mom folded them so she folded them like my mom did.

For the most part I would have to say; no she never did tell me how she felt when I said something negative. No she never did like you and say; if you don't like how the towels are folded then you do them yourself.

No I don't think she criticized me, she has said I'm not so skinning myself after I had said something to her about her weight.

Was she a good wife overall? Depends on how you look at a wife. I grew up where my mom did all the housework and my dad worked and then did the yard work. My mom cleaned, had meals on the table when it was meal time and did the laundry so if I compare her to that then no. She doesn't cook anything unless it comes out of a box or is frozen except her pizza, the cloths would stack up and instead of cleaning them she would buy more I sware because since I've been doing the laundry I can't believe how much cloths I have. The dishes in the sink would pile up until we didn't have any clean then she would wash them. All this happened up until like 5 years ago and she started to do better and the counsoler has been working with her for her uncleanly ways.

Growing up we never had a clean house, in fact she used to hire her mom to clean for us. (No excuse because I didn't clean either)

I don't mind her being a little overweight, I like a woman with a little meat on her & a round behind. When we got married she weighed around 140 pounds I think. She is now 260, down from 280. As for me I am 6'3" 235 pounds, down from 250, I have a little beer gut (even though I don't drink) and I could loose another 20 pounds and it wouldn't hurt me. (plan on joining a gym just to get out of the house)

How much did her weight bother me? When she was even 240 pounds I didn't mind, but when she went over that she doesn't do as many things as she used to and I could see it was a burden on her so I know it was bothering her and that is why it bothers me. Last year she couldn't even walk up 15-20 stairs without stopping for a rest.

What would happen if she told you that your remarks were out of place???

I don't know because she has never done it. That is something I wish she would do because then I would know when I do or say something wrong, now I just find out later when I have fortgotten about it.

Today is probably the first time she has raised her voice at me and she was pretty nasty. She thought I was moving out since the last time we talked and I told her that I needed to talk to the counsoler first before moving out and I'm not sure I am going to move out. That pissed her off because she is out looking for a place as I type.

I hope I got all the questions answered for you.

There is one other thing maybe I should say; she has been taking a couple different meds for her moods. One is Effexor and the other is Lamictal and I have wondered if that has anything to do with it but the cousoler seems to think not.

[PWSX3]

Did she have to obey you? NO

So what was so scary and controlling about you?

I bet you she will lose a lot of weight now that she will live on her own. Or maybe she wants to be left alone and eat as much as she wants.

She has told me before because of my size I scared her sometimes but like I said I never hit her so I don't know why. Then there has been other times she calls me her big teddy bear so I don't know.

 

I don't know if she will loose weight or not since she doesn't love me right now so she won't have those feelings to worry about, plus she is setting at the table filling out paperwork & eating a bag of cookies.

No I haven't said a thing to her about eating them and no I will NOT say anything.

[RecordProducer]

Hm... well it's interesting that you listed the house chores as a reference to whether she was a good wife. You said she works, just like you do, so there is no point in calling her a bad wife for the things that you should both do together. Your mom didn't work so it was normal for her to do all the house work. But I don't see any reason why your wife would come home from work and do all the house work. So I will assume that you shared all the chores or at least I will say that you should (have).

 

I am a little disappointed that you talk about house chores and a "good wife" in the same sentence. I would assume that love, understanding, mutual interests, doing things together, laughing together, enjoying parenthood as a couple, leading a nice social life, and other similar things would make a husband and wife happy together. It seems to me that you were two strangers, two room mates living in the same house. Did you have a close connection, did you talk every day about things other than what you had to talk about, did you hold hands, make love, share the same activities, etc.?

 

What exactly will you miss about her? Obviously not her cooking.

 

She sounds like she only cares about moving out. I am sorry. I hope things get better for you. Everything really depends on her now. But what you can do is court her and try to seduce her. Ask her on a date, buy her flowers, re-live the dating phase again and make her fall in love with you again. Make love with passion, be romantic, take her on a vacation, if possible. You get the picture. Other than that, I don't see anything else that could bring her back. This might not work but it's worth trying, I think, and is more or less your last resort (together with your attempts to change according to her taste and let her see the changes in you).

 

Good luck!

[PWSX3]

I am a little disappointed that you talk about house chores and a "good wife" in the same sentence. I would assume that love, understanding, mutual interests, doing things together, laughing together, enjoying parenthood as a couple, leading a nice social life, and other similar things would make a husband and wife happy together. It seems to me that you were two strangers, two room mates living in the same house. Did you have a close connection, did you talk every day about things other than what you had to talk about, did you hold hands, make love, share the same activities, etc.?

 

What exactly will you miss about her? Obviously not her cooking.

 

She sounds like she only cares about moving out. I am sorry. I hope things get better for you. Everything really depends on her now. But what you can do is court her and try to seduce her. Ask her on a date, buy her flowers, re-live the dating phase again and make her fall in love with you again. Make love with passion, be romantic, take her on a vacation, if possible. You get the picture. Other than that, I don't see anything else that could bring her back. This might not work but it's worth trying, I think, and is more or less your last resort (together with your attempts to change according to her taste and let her see the changes in you).

 

Good luck!

We like 4-wheeling and the last two times we went she drove and she really liked it. She asked me what happened if she liked it and I said we could share driving.

I enjoyed going out with her to plays, comedy shows, etc.

What will I miss most is she was/is my best friend because we do a lot together. Most of the stuff we did had something to do with horsepower but she liked a lot of that such as monster trucks, demo durbies.

She said something about when you do a trial separation there are rules such as I can't call her, she is the one that calls me or something like that. I hope to ask the counsoler tomorrow.

Then like you said down the road if she is interested we will start dating again and try to fall back in love again.

We both love our son and we try planning things as a family.

Make love with passion hasn't been done for a while and I miss that. She did get a little crazy while the boy was out of town, which is confusing because that wasn't to long ago.

I am getting the feeling that we need time apart to think things out.

Before all this started I did the dishes, dust, etc around the house, but now I do a lot more so I did help around the house.

[a4a]

She has told me before because of my size I scared her sometimes but like I said I never hit her so I don't know why. Then there has been other times she calls me her big teddy bear so I don't know.

 

I don't know if she will loose weight or not since she doesn't love me right now so she won't have those feelings to worry about, plus she is setting at the table filling out paperwork & eating a bag of cookies.

No I haven't said a thing to her about eating them and no I will NOT say anything.

 

 

ahhhhh you do not have to be bigger or beat someone to make them be afraid of you.

 

Again take a look at her past with her father. Was he controlling, did he keep her in line without resorting to violence. (This goes back to the chaining of the elephant again.)

 

It is quite possible that the therapy has made her realize the chains are not real, you do not have control over her.

 

Why is it pissing you off that she is eating the cookies? Try to answer honestly.

 

Curious also was your own father/mother abusive to you at all..... emotionally or mentally? Did your father treat his wife in a similar manner?

 

And when did you and Teri get married.....at what ages?

[PWSX3]

Again take a look at her past with her father. Was he controlling, did he keep her in line without resorting to . (This goes back to the chaining of the elephant again.)

 

Why is it ing you off that she is eating the cookies? Try to answer honestly.

 

Curious also was your own father/mother abusive to you at all..... emotionally or mentally? Did your father treat his wife in a similar manner?

 

And when did you and Teri get married.....at what ages?

I think her father was pretty stricted, is that the same as controlling? One things she shared with me was her dad would get mad at her if she came upstairs without a bra and there were a few others but that is the one that stood out in my mind I guess because my folks would walk around in there underwear even when we were dating.

I don't think her dad let her date much before she met me. She wasn't aloud out past 12:00 anytime.

I know you are going to say it's because of something else but why does it me off she eats the cookies?

Because she knows she is fat yet she still eats foods that are not good for her.

I asked Teri the same thing, why I am controlling if I got that from my folks? I don't remember them ever being abusive, we moved around some, but most of the time we lived in a small town in the country. I am the oldest of 4 kids (3 sisters) so I used to play a lot by myself. I was really shy when I was younger but the older I get the more I open up. I still can't get in front of people and talk but I can go up to someone I don't know and talk to them.

We got married when we were 22 years old, but had dated for a couple of years before that. Teri only had dated a couple guys I think and I had only dated a couple different s but none of them I don't think were serious. I just remember when we started to date I had to go away for the weekend and she was the only thing I could think of while I was gone & I told everyone about her. We have never been apart except maybe for a weekend or she went on vacation with her folks (family reunion) for 5 days but that is about it.

[a4a]

Being strict is one thing. Something that must be done for the safety of a child.

 

But things like the bra statement..... I am wondering if her father kept her under his thumb even when she was 22. Was she not allowed to make her own decisions. Was she ever told she was stupid, or could not do it on her own...... that sort of thing?

 

If she was told from childhood that she was not able, or she was controlled in a manner that she had to walk on egg shells it could be she has the chained elephant syndrome.

 

If you tell a kid that they are stupid for long enough..... it does make them think "yeah, I am stupid"..... some people are not able to wake up out of this on their own. They will actually look for a spouse that treats them the same way.

 

Could this be the case with her? (not that she stupid but the control and being told in so many words "you cannot make it without me"?

[RecordProducer]

OK, I see that you will miss her friendship and that's a healthy thing. I really, really don't see any form of abuse or controlling behavior on your part. Perhaps if she were too submissive, I would think that that's why you appeared controlling. But she doesn't sound submissive either.

 

I think there is no particular reason why she is leaving, except that she needs some freedom. I think every husband inhibits his wife to a certain extent. Often it's because we pay too much attention to everything you do and work ourselves up against you, and those thoughts give us the feeling that you're a tight belt around our necks.

 

On one hand, you (husbands) want your own freedom and that's when we feel left out; on the other hand, you're also hungry for attention so we feel like you're taking our freedom away from us. For example, my husband may go to his dad's house once in a while to help him with his computer and stay there for three hours. I don't feel like going, but I feel left out when he does that. On the other hand, when I want to do something without my husband, HE feels left out. Like yesterday I spoke to a friend on the phone for 4 hours (first time since we've been living together for 7 months) and he asked me to get off the phone a few times. When I finally got off the phone, I told him jokingly that he wanted attention and he said it wasn't that - it's that he couldn't make phone calls (yeah, right, all of a sudden his cell phone was useless )... So he felt deprived from my attention and I felt slightly inhibited in my choice of spending my time. When things like this are more serious (e.g. I wanted to go on a vacation this summer, but my husband is waiting for his air plane to come back the shop in order to travel, so we didn't go anywhere), somebody has to feel that their plans and desires are being severely ignored or changed because of the other party. So the stronger partner wins and the weaker loses. When these losses and inhibitions accumulate in years, we come to a point when we can't take the "chains" anymore and want to cut them. The solution is: to stand up for yourself and speak up when something is wrong, not just please your partner. In your case, it sounds like teri was doing what she wanted in many areas, but still felt restricted by you in other ways.

 

Also when you live with someone, their actions/words or lack of them affect your mood. And since things can't always be great, we deal with bad moods and we feel that it's because of our partners. Another example, my husband's family doesn't accept me so now I feel like I have to deal with some crap that I really don't have to and don't want to deal with. It makes me angry and it's so pointless that I dream about making lots of money, buying a house somewhere far away, and telling him some day: I am moving out, if you want to be with me, follow me to the new house; if not, F off, you and your sh*tty family. And this is a great husband I am talking about!

 

So the impulse to ditch everything and move out is always there if you feel inhibited or forced to deal with bad feelings and you feel that you don't have to. This is the closest to what I can conclude about Teri's sudden desire to breathe freely.

 

I think it's neither your or her fault. It's just that times have changed and if people don't get full pleasure of their marriages - they pack their bags. Nowadays you really have to walk on eggs and invest a lot of effort in a relationship in order to keep it fresh. But women are by nature more sensitive, demanding, and responsive to other people's treatment. Our hormonal system is fluctuating by default (the amounts of hormones change on a daily basis) and this affects out psyches.

 

I don't think this all has to do with the towels or the cookies. It's just that she needs some freedom for the first time in her life.

 

If you're not allowed to call her when she moves out then you're allowed to mail her a present, right? How about a box of candies and a nice, expensive perfume? Or an invitation to a cruise?

[RecordProducer]

I think her father was pretty stricted, is that the same as controlling? One things she shared with me was her dad would get mad at her if she came upstairs without a bra and there were a few others but that is the one that stood out in my mind I guess because my folks would walk around in there underwear even when we were dating.

Just being curious here... did her father object if she would wear a shirt without a bra underneath or if she would walk around with her naked breasts?

 

And did your parents walk in their underwear in front of Teri when we were dating?

[PWSX3]

Could this be the case with her? (not that she stupid but the control and being told in so many words "you cannot make it without me"?

Both her sister & brother used to call her fat & tell her she was dumb.

I had a great visit with the counsoler & she said you guys are right on the money and I just need to start learning.

At this time she said; she has no idea if we will get back together or if it's to far gone, but only time will tell & if Teri sees I am changing. The counsoler also has issues to work on but those are hers not mine.

Thanks everyone for there support and I know once she is out of the house it will be harder on me so there might even be more questions.

 

The one question the counsoler said I should ask is;

What is it like having a marriage without the controlling (my part) and Teri having her back bone?(her part)

I really don't have any idea because I've been this way all our marriage. She said it all comes down to the towel situation, if I want the towels folded a different way I ask in a nice way and if she said no then I do it myself.

[PWSX3]

Just being curious here... did her father object if she would wear a shirt without a bra underneath or if she would walk around with her ?

 

And did your parents walk in their underwear in front of Teri when we were dating?

 

No she had to have a bra on under her shirt.

 

I'll have to ask because I don't remember that's a LONG TIME ago. I'm a guy I can't remember what happened last year no 25 of them.

[a4a]

Both her sister & brother used to call her fat & tell her she was dumb.

I had a great visit with the counsoler & she said you guys are right on the money and I just need to start learning.

At this time she said; she has no idea if we will get back together or if it's to far gone, but only time will tell & if Teri sees I am changing. The counsoler also has issues to work on but those are hers not mine.

Thanks everyone for there support and I know once she is out of the house it will be harder on me so there might even be more questions.

 

The one question the counsoler said I should ask is;

What is it like having a marriage without the controlling (my part) and Teri having her back bone?(her part)

I really don't have any idea because I've been this way all our marriage. She said it all comes down to the towel situation, if I want the towels folded a different way I ask in a nice way and if she said no then I do it myself.

 

well regardless you are going to be a better person for it. A better father as well!!! (major important).

 

hang in there! And use your frustrations to get a good work out at the gym... a great outlet! walk, jog, exercise....

 

It looks like the pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

[PWSX3]

well regardless you are going to be a better person for it. A better father as well!!! (major important).

 

hang in there! And use your frustrations to get a good work out at the gym... a great outlet! walk, jog, exercise....

 

It looks like the pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

 

I have already noticed things I need to change with my son, we built him a Suzuki Samurai for his first vehicle and I can see big mistakes I did because of me being controlling. The important part is I am starting to see it and it is something I can change, it just might not be overnight.

 

I will be around for a while asking question and getting some great support.

 

The only bad part is it's a "BIG" puzzle and there are a lot of pieces to it. I never realized a marriage is so complicated, I just thought it was my way and that's it, but I'm on the right track and I have started.

THANKS EVERYONE!!!! specially you a4a for being so short and to the point with me at the beginning it did get my attention. Someday I might have to everyone a round of rootbeer!!! (I don't drink)

[a4a]

I have already noticed things I need to change with my son, we built him a Suzuki Samurai for his first vehicle and I can see big mistakes I did because of me being controlling. The important part is I am starting to see it and it is something I can change, it just might not be overnight.

 

I will be around for a while asking question and getting some great support.

 

The only bad part is it's a "BIG" puzzle and there are a lot of pieces to it. I never realized a marriage is so complicated, I just thought it was my way and that's it, but I'm on the right track and I have started.

THANKS EVERYONE!!!! specially you a4a for being so short and to the point with me at the beginning it did get my attention. Someday I might have to everyone a round of rootbeer!!! (I don't drink)

 

 

why don't you talk with your son... not to drag him into it just tell him you care about him..... let him know that you want a good relationship with him.

[PWSX3]

Well I guess this is how I see it in a nut shell.

We grew up with Teri being quite & I took over most situations, which over the years made me more controlling and Teri less in control of herself.

Teri realized that something needed to change and by going to counsoling she learned she didn't want to live this way.

I also went to counsoling but focussed more on the choirs that we shared, doing the dates, etc. and not on controlling, giving Teri her space and being equal.

The counsoler gave me 3 things I need to work on, being controlling, anger, & being passive agressive

Teri also needs to learn to stand up for herself, so no once in a while (in a good way I hope)

Then hopefully after all that it won't be to late to work on our relationship. We have a long road ahead of us so Ill be asking questions and advice as I learn to be a better father, husband, & friend.

The counsoler also said I need to work on asking questions instead of saying staightments.

[dgiirl]

Sounds like you have a good counsellor. She's giving you _both_ things you need to work on, you being more aggressive, her being passive. Both characteristics have their place and time, and you both need to learn when to use each. If you want to learn how to word things, read up on how to be assertive vs being aggressive. You both could learn how to be assertive.

[PWSX3]

If you want to learn how to word things, read up on how to be assertive vs being aggressive. You both could learn how to be assertive.

Do you know of any good books right off hand??

I'm not much of a reader, I prefer books with pictures but I'm welling to try anything right now.

I just wish I could eat onions & peppers so then I could try cooking some more healthy foods. Sorry off subject..... Hey my humor personallity is starting to come back again, I like that.

[PWSX3]

we would like to get Teri moved out this weekend while Patrick and I are gone for a couple days but we just don't have the money.

 

Now we have a new twist or should I say obsticle, Teri called me this evening and said she rear-ended someone so I went and got my dad's car dolly and went and picked her and the car up. Luckily she was not hurt and neither was the girl she hit. We only have liability on her car so we will have to pay for it.

Looks like it will be around $1,000.00 to fix and that is with me doing all the work.

[RecordProducer]

I just wish I could eat onions & peppers so then I could try cooking some more healthy foods.

You don't eat onions and peppers? :confused:

 

Geez, I cook everything with onions and/or peppers! I guess we're not a match, huh!

 

Now we have a new twist or should I say obsticle, Teri called me this evening and said she rear-ended someone so I went and got my dad's car dolly and went and picked her and the car up. Luckily she was not hurt and neither was the girl she hit. We only have liability on her car so we will have to pay for it.

Looks like it will be around $1,000.00 to fix and that is with me doing all the work.

Oh! Oh! Well it's time for you to change the rules: she is not allowed to call you!

 

Who will help her wiht her car then? Not your problem, buddy!