Another trial separation

[Rooster_DAR]

Like I keep re-iterating, and support what LadyJane is saying. Once your hear "I need my Space" and she proposes a separation, it's all over. I am going to poke around in some statistics, but I bet you will not find (m)any posts on this board where people have reconciled and continued happily after these words are spoken.

 

A person pushing separation has already left the relationship, and there really nothing that can be done at this point.

 

Sorry!

[PWSX3]

Well maybe Gunny is correct with what he said on another thread, the only difference between a separation & the Titanic is the Titanic had a band playing while it went down.

And here I thought maybe we were one of the lucky ones that got a life raft but you guys all think it's over.

 

I still plan on waiting to see what happens when we see the counsoler at the end of the month, Teri will have had a month of no communication with me but you guys all make it sound like it won't be a happy reunion seeing her.

 

Well first things first anyways, I still want/need to work on the three things I said I need to because it won't matter if it will be Teri or someone else hopefully down the road I need to change my bad habits and that is all I can do.

[RecordProducer]

Perry, please don't take my words as true, because i don't know the truth. And maybe even Teri doesn'rt know it right now. Her words and promises, and even thoughts and plans, might be different from her inner desires. Sometimes it takes time for us to recognize what we really want. Hence the "finding herself." Maybe deep in her heart she is done with this marriage but doesn't want to admit it to herself.

[Gunny376]

Well maybe Gunny is correct with what he said on another thread, the only difference between a separation & the Titanic is the Titanic had a band playing while it went down.

And here I thought maybe we were one of the lucky ones that got a life raft but you guys all think it's over.

 

I still plan on waiting to see what happens when we see the counsoler at the end of the month, Teri will have had a month of no communication with me but you guys all make it sound like it won't be a happy reunion seeing her.

 

Well first things first anyways, I still want/need to work on the three things I said I need to because it won't matter if it will be Teri or someone else hopefully down the road I need to change my bad habits and that is all I can do.

 

What I said on that thread was true ~ but that doesn't necessarly mean that applies to you! Me? Myself, and I, personally think you and Terri might have a chance.

 

You need to "man-up" and you have. Terri's got her own issues she needs to work on ~ so do you. She's got her own self esteem issues, and you've got yours. Her perception of your being controlling ~ stems IMHO from her lack self esteem. She needs to do some "manning-up" herself.

 

Its about "balance" and that's what's missing here? Balance! Terri needs to put the Big Girl Britches on let you know what her bounderies are. What's a "go" and what's a "No go!"

 

In short ~ she needs to learn how to be more assertative, and you less. All your guilty of is filling a void.

[Gunny376]

Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

[onmyownagain]

I think I said to you before it may well not be over, but for now it is. You need to get on with your life with LC and assume you are done. If in the future she wants to talk (as my wife did after three months) then maybe you can consider taking her back.

 

Believe me, if you look at it like this, you may not want her back after a while, and if you do go back it takes a long time to accept what happened, she will need to work hard, not just you.

 

In the mean time, go out and get laid :-) Nice to get the first kiss feeling after being married for years and you can now.

[PWSX3]

[Gunny376;905994]Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst

 

That is exactly the same thing I told the counsoler. She thought I didn't want to work on keeping the marriage, but I told her I don't want to keep my hopes up and then find out in a few months that Teri doesn't want to.

 

In the mean time, go out and get laid :-) Nice to get the first kiss feeling after being married for years and you can now.

Sorry but I'm not that kind of guy, I just couldn't go get laid from someone I don't know that well. (same thing the guys at my work said I need to do) I know it might be wierd hearing this from a guy but we are still married plus that would just confuse my thoughts. I will also need to figure out if I still love Teri or if I want her around just because she is part of my comfort zone. Someone told me that we get in our comfort zones and we don't like changes. I do plan on going out and meeting new people. I am going to try country dancing, (I do not dance at all and I don't care for country music) a friend told me she would introduce me to some of the people that she dances with and teach me a couple dance moves.

Patrick and I plan on doing some more hikes when I have him on the weekend and I did learn from this weekend hike that there are single gals out hiking.

 

But like I said before I need to work on things I know I need to change, then we will see what happens after that.

[dgiirl]

I agree with Gunny. It's hard to know for sure what your wife will eventually do. Her moving out is not a great sign, however, it does seem she might be watching from afar to see what changes you make. She also needs to become assertive and learn to ask for things she wants. You cannot be held responsible for someone else's unhappiness unless they actually tell you that you are making them unhappy. You cannot read people's minds, so she has to take part of the responsibility in this marriage.

 

On the other hand, you really have to let go of the weight issue. The more you focus on it demanding she change, the more she's going to pull away from you and continue to eat out of depression and rebellion. It's like living with a smoker. You cant get them to quit by nagging them. It just pisses them off and they hide it from you. She's an adult, and you cannot control what she eats. She needs to make that decision for herself, and you have to learn to let her.

 

I wouldnt throw the towel in just yet. I would be prepared for the worse case scenario, but hope for the best. She might not come back, and you have to be prepared for that. But it doesnt change anything you are doing right now. You are improving yourself for you. There's a purpose for all this, and if you take advantage of it, and actually come out a better person, then none of it was in vain. How sad would it be to go through all this heartache and not learn atleast one thing? You have stood up to the plate and took on the challenge face on. You should be proud of yourself because you are willing to learn, willing to listen, and willing to change. You are doing great work!

[onmyownagain]

Sorry but I'm not that kind of guy, I just couldn't go get laid from someone I don't know that well.

 

You don't have to have a one night stand, when my wife and I split for a while, women I had worked with for years started coming on to me. Not many single guys out there who aren't *******s or gay so they jump on you first chance they get. :-)

[PWSX3]

Sorry but I'm not that kind of guy, I just couldn't go get laid from someone I don't know that well.

 

You don't have to have a one night stand, when my wife and I split for a while, women I had worked with for years started coming on to me. Not many single guys out there who aren't *******s or gay so they jump on you first chance they get. :-)

Well I work with all guys so I won't have to worry about the girls jumping all over me at work.

I don't go out much so that will be something new for me, I don't drink so the bar seen isn't my cup of tea either so that is why my friend told me to go dancing with her because she doesn't drink either but still has a good time.

 

dgiirl; I did think at first it was mostly my fault but before she moved out I was hearing things that I did (such as the laundry in baskets) for her that I thought were good things but she didn't like them but she didn't let me know so she also at fault.

I will have to do the same thing as you said Teri, I have to wait and see if Teri changes and then if I like the changes she makes such as being more assertive. She has been like that all our marriage so I don't know what it would be like having her tell me what she really feels.

 

I am starting to see where even though it does hurt not having her around it will make us both set back and do some thinking.

Right now I just need to work on me, so does anyone know of any good books for the issues I need to work on????

Controlling, anger, & being passive agressive.

Hopefully they are books I can get at the library, I did buy the book; His Needs, Her Needs....

Thanks again everyone, sure everyone situation is different but I can see the thing that is the same in everyones situation is time will heel, no one knows what the future will bring, and most important you can only try and fix/make yourself a better person.

Yes I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks & I will be a better father when this is all over if nothing else happens.

[PWSX3]

Looks like there is a lot of information on the internet about controlling behavior.

I just found one I read and boy do I have a lot to learn, as I was reading it I could just see myself doing a lot of the same things but I also learned there are things I do I didn't even know are controlling such as refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that.

"We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!")

I never realized this is part of a controlling behavior and there were some others.....

[PWSX3]

I don't know if I should post this here are start a new thread in addiction & recovery.

I have read a lot on the internet about controlling personallities and it's really scary reading some of the things because it is just what I do and the hard part is I didn't even realize that I was doing it, which I feel will make it even harder to change. I did talk to my counsoler and she said the first and biggest step is realizing I do have a problem and I'm welling to try and change it so I guess I'm on my way.

My problem is I have looked all over and can't find much information on how to fix/change it. (Someone told me guys are fixers)

I did read one place that a guy said there isn't much information about what to do if you are a controlling person so I was just wondering if anyone has any good places I could check out or good books to read????

I am trying to save up enough money to see my counsoler next week and hopefully she can also help me out. At this point in time I figure I can't get enough information so anything is helpfull.

 

As for Teri & I this month there is no talking together, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing, then Sept. 28th we go see our counsoler so there isn't much happening right now, just on hold I guess.

[PWSX3]

Last weekend Patrick & I went on a short trip and checked out a cave and road this ride that is one person and you control how fast you go by putting on the break and it goes down the side of a mountain. Then Sunday we hiked a 1.2 mile trail that is more then just a walk in the park.

Anyways we were talking and both of us said something about I don't think mom would have done the ride, then we said the same about the hike.

I didn't think anything about it until I was telling a friend and she asked me to think about, then she told me what she thought.

Tonight I sat down at the table and discussed it with Patrick that we need to think possitive things even if mom isn't around and I explained to him why what we were saying was not nice because I don't want him to grow up with these faults and not even know he has them.

We asumed she wouldn't do the ride and it shouldn't matter to us if she did or didn't do the ride or hike. Again it is a way of controlling and me looking like the good guy & mom being the bad person.

I just don't understand why I don't see it unless someone points it out to me. I go Thursday to the counsoler and I am really looking forward to what she will help me with.

 

I guess I need a4a to spend a month with me and smack me in the back of the head everytime I say or do something stupid, maybe I would catch on a little faster.

[Gunny376]

IMHO I think you're "beating yourself up" too much over this. And that your shouldering way too much of the burden for the breakdown of the marriage.

 

But first things first. I use to haved a terrible temper, and I guess if you get me around civilian types and I go "Gunny" on someone that PMO, that would say that I still do. But! Compared to what I once was in my late teens and early twenties ~ I'm a 1 compared to the 10 that I once was. I use to be bad about fighting. When I was a kid, I use to walk up and introduce myself to other boys by saying, "Hi! My name's _______________want to fight!"

 

In junior high school and high school, I literarlly made several dentist rich. One guy I beat so bad he had to have $5000 in dental work, and this was back in '74. This continued on through my first enlistment in the Marine Corps. Marines thought I was crazy ~ because I was willing to fight anytime, anyplace, with anyone. There wasn't anything passive about my aggrression and in your face.

 

I actually tried to get away and to become a kinder ~ gentler type guy. I finally got into it with this other Marine Sergeant who I actually tried to walk away from ~ five times. He kept coming around me like the guy in the movie "My Cousin Vinnie" getting in my face. I had a old Bic lighter in my pocket, it was dark, and I realized that I was going to have to fight this guy.

 

I dial the lighter on high in my pants pocket, pulled it out, flicked it, blinded him, singed his eyebrows off his face, and commenced beating the Hell out of him. I broke his nose, knocked out all of his front teeth, gave him two black eyes, and broke his jaw, and busted one his ear drums.

 

I'm not proud of what I did, but I did what I had to do. Because of this guys reputation, the situation, witnesses that I had actually turned my back on him five times and walked away etc. I by the Grace of Almighty God didn't face a court martial. I beat this guy so bad, they thought I had taken a baseball bat to him or something.

 

The Battalion Excuative Office came down to get my side of it ~ and I told him the truth. He listened. Witnesses cofirmed it, and I thought that was the end of it. Then I got called into the Commanding Officer's office, with teh excuative officer, my company commander, battalion sergeant major, company first sergeant. They told me, that I wouldn't be facing charges ~ because the guy was begging for it, and that multiple witnesses testifited that I had shown a considerable amount of self discipline and self control, but it came down to his practically begging for a fight! I get the lecture and the speech, and then the CO told me something that curbed my anger, rage, and temper. He told me, "If you don't get control of yourself, your going to end up in Fort Leavensworth, or some civilian prison for manslaughter or murder! You're too good at this!"

 

I'm 49 now, and that all went down when I was 21. I've not been in a fight since. I don't put myself in those situations. I don't go to those places, where it might become necessary for me to become violent.

 

In those cases where I feel like I'm on the verge of going off ~ I just simply walk away. And, then there are times when I do go off if the situation arises. Not physically, but it doesn't bother me to rip someone a new one if the occassion arises. People that work at the local WalMart still talk about me because I ripped their store manager's a new one in front of God and everybody. To them it was a 10, to me it was a six or seven, because I didn't use curse words!

 

My point in telling you all of this ~ its a simple matter of making a decision not to do that which you've been doing! Its a simple matter of saying to yourself over and over ~ I don't want to be that way anymore, I don't want to be that person anymore! I don't want nor need that in my life anymore!

 

As a seasoned "street fighter" and retired United States Marine, I still walk around with this sign over my head that says, "You don't want any of this!" But, its like the Corps said, and its like Lady Jane said ~ "Either your in control of your emotions, or your emotions are in control of you!"

 

Its just that damn simple.

 

No doubt about it! If I hadn't gone into the Corps at 18 and stayed ~ I would have ended up a Thug, or something! And would probally have ended up in prison. The Corps taught me about Honor, Respect, Integrity, Discipline, Self discipline.

 

Terri?

 

Its no longer about you and Terri! Let that go!

 

Its about you!

 

What you've got to learn!

 

To grow as a person! To grow a individual! To grow as a "spiritual being!"

We're not Earthly beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having an Earthly experience.

 

God! (Yes, that's right, I said God) is putting you through all of this, because you've got lessons to learn! As a "spiritual being" Its tough! Its hard! It hurts! Its a "mother-trucker" Its also called "tough love" Its just as painful, if not more so for Him, as it is for you! Your a parent! You know how hard it can be!

 

Your worse enemy in all of this? Is yourself! The answers you seek are within. Find and know yourself ~ and you will find the answers to the questions and the solutions to the problems.

 

Wheather Terri comes, goes, stays, does whatever isn't the question. The key to you happiness lies within yourself. The person that's responsible for that is you! Not me! Not Terri! Not Patrick! But, you!

[PWSX3]

IMHO I think you're "beating yourself up" too much over this. And that your shouldering way too much of the burden for the breakdown of the marriage.

 

Its no longer about you and Terri! Let that go!

 

Its about you!

 

What you've got to learn!

 

To grow as a person! To grow a individual! To grow as a "spiritual being!"

We're not Earthly beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having an Earthly experience.

 

God! (Yes, that's right, I said God) is putting you through all of this, because you've got lessons to learn! As a "spiritual being" Its tough! Its hard! It hurts! Its a "mother-trucker" Its also called "tough love" Its just as painful, if not more so for Him, as it is for you! Your a parent! You know how hard it can be!

 

Your worse enemy in all of this? Is yourself! The answers you seek are within. Find and know yourself ~ and you will find the answers to the questions and the solutions to the problems.

 

Wheather Terri comes, goes, stays, does whatever isn't the question. The key to you happiness lies within yourself. The person that's responsible for that is you! Not me! Not Terri! Not Patrick! But, you!

 

Thank you Gunny, I guess I'm just trying to fix this in a hurry and I need to except it's going to take time, lots of it.

Yes I agree this has happened for a reason but for me it is hard to understand why.

I am just a couple years younger then you are and I know I need to to do this for mebut like you said it is hard for me to look inside myself to figure it out. I have trouble understanding that part but maybe the counsoling will help me find that.

I also agree that I need to not blame myself so much for what has happened because I have learned it was both of us, but when you have been with someone for so long it's hard to not think of her and if I would have just listened to what she was trying to tell me then things would be a lot better.

It's time to start thinking differently and I'll keep telling myself; I don't want to be that way anymore!!!

[Rooster_DAR]

God! (Yes, that's right, I said God) is putting you through all of this, because you've got lessons to learn! As a "spiritual being" Its tough! Its hard! It hurts! Its a "mother-trucker" Its also called "tough love" Its just as painful, if not more so for Him, as it is for you! Your a parent! You know how hard it can be!

 

Please spare me the "God" thing! We are in control of our own lives, not any outside being or spirit.

 

[Gunny376]

God! (Yes, that's right, I said God) is putting you through all of this, because you've got lessons to learn! As a "spiritual being" Its tough! Its hard! It hurts! Its a "mother-trucker" Its also called "tough love" Its just as painful, if not more so for Him, as it is for you! Your a parent! You know how hard it can be!

 

Please spare me the "God" thing! We are in control of our own lives, not any outside being or spirit.

 

 

 

You're correct, there is the whole "free will" side of it. But, when you think about it and carry it to it next logical level He is us and we are Him. In the Book of James, Jesus Himself says, "Are you not gods yourself, for you are of God, and God is of you"

 

In the book "The Physics of Immortaility" a former atheist PhD physists proved mathematically in attempting to complete Einstein's Theory of everything, that there is a God, and that there will be a reseruction.

 

The leading theory today in physics is that there are not just three dimensions but as many as eleven, possibly more.

 

Mathematically, an eighth dimensional person can walk through three dimensional solid objects. We're talking pure mathmathics here, not pyschics, spiritual.

 

Most people belive it when they see it ~ and don't understand the concept of they'll see it when they belive it.

[PWSX3]

I grew up in a Christian family and I do believe there is a God, but I don't know why I have trouble getting myself to go to church. I don't know if it was because it was forced more or less on me when I was younger or what.

 

I was talking to someone yesterday and he was telling me sure God knows how the outcome will be but he is giving me a chance to figure it out myself so I can be a better person, but man is it hard!for me at this time.

 

Patrick and I just got back from a walk and that really helps me clear my mind.

It gets you away from the sounds of city life and when we got back we ran into someone I knew that was helping out with the mountain bike riders since there has been some changes on the trail and he gave me some information about there club so I'm going to check that out.

[Rooster_DAR]

I did not say there was no God, but I really don't think there is in the traditional sense. Gods were made up by man at the dawn of intelligent civilization, so we would not have to feel so alone (Why do you think there are so many gods?). Not to say there is not a great creator, because there very well might be. Your analysis/logic with the dimensions are very valid and it sounds like your addressing some string theory. I think man is still at the dawn of discovering who we are and where we've come from, but we have a long way to go.

 

[Gunny376]

I did not say there was no God, but I really don't think there is in the traditional sense. Gods were made up by man at the dawn of intelligent civilization, so we would not have to feel so alone (Why do you think there are so many gods?). Not to say there is not a great creator, because there very well might be. Your analysis/logic with the dimensions are very valid and it sounds like your addressing some string theory. I think man is still at the dawn of discovering who we are and where we've come from, but we have a long way to go.

 

 

In reference to string theory.

 

I'm not going to get too much into it, because it would just raise the wrath of some and offend others. But, my personal beliefs are based upon a lot of reading from different sources. They lean toward the Christian faith ~ but more in line with the Gnosstics, than that of the more "tradiotional" relgions.

 

I believe that there is a God, and that all the religions are just different paths to the original source. I also believe, as you do, that He gives us a lot of lattitude and longitude to screw things up ~ and to willingly choose to do so.

 

Essentially, I believe that we're spiritual beings having an Earthly experience and not just Earthly experience. That this life is nothing more than just a big cosmic classroom. I belive that before we come into this exsistence we were spiritual beings, and that when we die, we return to our original state of being.

 

I also belive that we agree more ~ than disagree!

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree!

 

[PWSX3]

O.K. this might seem like a crazy question but remember I'm just starting the work on changing my controlling habits. But I have learned so much so far from everyone here especially on not seeing how I was controlling until people point it out.

 

I go see my consoler on Thursday so I was just wondering if there are any questions I need to ask her that I might not know at this time to ask?

[PWSX3]

Well this was a ruff week for me, I was suppose to see my consoler on Thursday but I got a phone call on Tuesday and she had a family emergancy so I have to reschedule and that was what I felt was going to be the starting of my change even though I already have started, but that was with some professional help.

I've been doing good until last night and I started reading some of the different posts and it really got me down so I started to journal to get my thoughts out.

It's hard on me because it seems like most of the people here are running from there spouse who is "ME" and I read how happy they are after getting away from that person.

I know I need to just focus on me but it is really hard because I am starting to see I do have a wonderful wife that put up with a lot of crap with me and if everyone around here is happy for leaving why wouldn't she?

Before she moved out she told me she is still looking at this as a trial separation and I just asked her; why would she ever want to come back when she finally got the nerve to move out and get a way from me and I can at least answer my own question about that now, I am not going to be that same person today, tomorrow or in 6 months. I am going to change and be a better person for "me"!!! and hopefully she will see that and fall back in love with me.

I know I can't tell her what I'm doing but to let her see it in my everyday life.

I took your advice Gunny and every morning I wake up and tell myself I'm NOT]/b]going to be that old person anymore!!!!

I did go next door at work and was talking to the gals that work there and they said; you are really looking good (losing weight) and seem very happy and that really made me feel good.

I sent a friend an email and she said; I'll still have lots of emotions up and down but as time goes I will start putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and I'll start understanding more.

It is hard for me to be; I guess you would say the bad guy that everyone is running from but the one thing I have going for me is I do see it and I want to change and I am.

I did go for a short walk with the neighbor and she told me her uncle passed away and it was good to talk to someone else that was having a bad situation in there life and I did listen.

After that I went for a 3 mile bike ride (first time on the bike this year) and I hope to keep doing that until the weather starts getting cooler but I wanted to be nice to my butt for the first time out.

 

Today will be a great day because Patrick comes back to stay with me for a week and I have a couple things planned for us to do, one is drive to Denver so he can get some night hours in so he can get his drivers license.

 

Thanks for letting me vent just a little, it really helps me to type what I am feeling so then I can go back later and read it again and again......

I know it's only been two weeks but it is starting to feel like a lot longer then that.

[dgiirl]

They say it's an rollercoaster of emotions for a reason. In any second you can flip from a high to a low. But over time, you'll notice the ups and downs are further and further from each other, and the lows dont go as far down for as long.

 

Please realise that you are not the "bad" guy. You and your wife, together, created this mess. You might have been too pushy with your opinions, but she has responsibility to speak up too. So it's not all one's fault. You are learning to be more patient and allowing other's room to do what they want. You are reevaluating what is important and not worrying about the little things. You should be proud of yourself. You cannot change the past, so stop worrying about what you should have, could have, would have done. It's useless. Start thinking about what you will do, and how you will handle situations in the future and recent present.

[PWSX3]

Please realise that you are not the "bad" guy. You and your wife, together, created this mess. You might have been too pushy with your opinions, but she has responsibility to speak up too. So it's not all one's fault. You are learning to be more patient and allowing other's room to do what they want. You are reevaluating what is important and not worrying about the little things. You should be proud of yourself. You cannot change the past, so stop worrying about what you should have, could have, would have done. It's useless. Start thinking about what you will do, and how you will handle situations in the future and recent present.

Yes I know it took two of us to get where we are, but I just feel I did have a lot to do with it.

Thank you; I am proud of myself for admitting that I do have a problem and I do want to work on it to make "me" a better person because Lord knows I wouldn't want to live with someone that always told me what to do, but then if someone did tell me to do something I didn't want to do I would let them know what I thought.

 

Don't you have to look at the past to understand what you did wrong and to change that?

O.K. so I might have answered my own question just reading what you said again. I need to slow down and read things more then once and soke it in.

I need to look at the past to see what I did wrong but don't dwell on it, just use it as a learning example and then make the future better by what I did in the past.

I guess something else I need to start telling myself everyday is my life has started over as of Aug 31st (day she left) and what happened before that I can not change but I can change what is happening today and tomorrow.

THANKS!