LDR boyfriend suddenly turns everything off?!?! what happened?? stress?

[AlwaysHope]

my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost two years, and became LD (actually more middle-distance) a month ago when he moved to go to medical school. i'm in nursing school here where we went to undergrad.

 

everything has been wonderful, and he even brought up getting engaged in december, which stunned me because he's never been the type. almost all of our friends are getting married next summer, and i'm a bridesmaid in one of my best friend's weddings. needless to say, wedding talk has been prominent in our conversations.

 

this week he had his first round of testing in med school. thursday, friday, and this coming monday he had tests. i offered to come see him friday night, and he flat-out refused me. he said he didn't want to see me because he had to study.

 

i found out later that he went to a bar until about 3am. no studying.

 

our past 3 or 4 phone conversations have included him suddenly telling me terrible things, like he's not sure i'm the one, he's sorry he led me on but that he has no interest in marriage. he says i take up too much of his time when he has to call during the day. he has essentially become a different person over the past 48 hours. he hangs up on me and then puts his phone on silent, and refuses to answer for hours and hours. i hate this; it's SO disrespectful.

 

here's where i need advice. should i take this as a sign that he can't handle stress, and run? he is refusing to talk things through with me, saying that he has no time before his test on monday. i've offered to wait until after the test, and he says he just doesn't want to to talk.

 

one of my thoughts is that he's met someone else and is trying to get ME to end it so he doesn't have to. i don't know how likely that is.

 

what would cause someone to turn around completely like this? the stress of the wedding stuff? the medical school tests? should i wait it out and see if it gets better? i can't stand being disrespected and talked to the way he's treating me.

 

has this happened to anyone else? thanks for the advice.

[BohemeRose]

Here's one thing I learned the hard way...a lot of guys are afraid of how girls will react to a break-up. So, to avoid being considered the heart-breaker, they make themselves the heart-breakee by essentially acting like a jack as so you have no choice but to initiate the break up yourself.

 

Here's what I would do. Call him and put it all out there. Ask why he's been blowing you off and where the sudden change of heart came from, if he refuses to be cooperative, call him out on his game. Tell him it's pretty crappy that he's been treating you in such a way, and distance yourself from him.

 

It's going to hurt at first, and it kind of stinks to give into the game, but it's not worth the worry and stress to keep putting up with his disrespectful behavior.

[AlwaysHope]

just thought i'd update.

 

i called the boyfriend yesterday and started talking through the things that have been happening with us, the hang-ups, the unanswered calls, the sudden confession on his part that he's not sure about me and doesn't want marraige.

 

i told him that i think we're going in different directions, that i refuse to be treated the way he has treated me, that i'm sick of it (it's happened before), and that i think we should stop seeing each other.

 

he got very defensive, and said "well, we can either talk for another hour or we can just break this off now so i can get off the phone." great response, huh? then he got really sarcastic, saying things like "thanks for the memories."

 

i stayed calm, told him that i still cared about him, and wished him good luck in medical school. at that point he started to get upset and i got off the phone

 

he was surprised i think. he thinks he is the ideal catch; he's a triathlete, a medical student, fairly good looking, and very smart. he will have his share of gold-diggers to sort through now that the girl who really loved him couldn't take him anymore.

 

even though i did the breaking up, it makes me sad to think that we might never speak again. he was my friend and my lover and my confidante for such a long time, but i could see all that falling apart. even a friend doesn't treat someone the way he's been treating me. my friends (including his sister) think that he'll call in a few days.

 

there's another question. if he calls, do i talk to him? we broke up once before and he said he wanted to stay with me, wanted to go to the next level. we definitely did not do that.

 

should i answer my phone? if i do, will i be strong enough to refuse him if he says he wants to come see me?

 

::sigh:: breaking up really is hard to do.

[Worried7]

I am SO in your situation right now. I don't know what to tell u b/c I don't know what to do for myself either..we haven't broken up yet but I think he's cheating on me..he just acts WEIRD & I've caught him in a few lies..and then he says he's not and gets just REALLY jumpy. It makes no sense..But we've been together for 3 years now, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to break up with him..I just love him so much..

 

I wish I could give u some advice but I have none to offer..all I have is my story that you can relate to & I can offer you my friendship until we both pull through and try to get away from the ones we love & move on.

[BohemeRose]

If he calls, go ahead and talk to him, but in a civil manner. Don't let him talk you back into a relationship if things are just going to be the same as they were before.

 

I personally feel that if you two can maintain a friendship of sorts while he is busy at medical school, then that would be ideal. However, getting back into a romantic relationship given his previous treatment of you and how he handled your confrontation would be a pretty bad idea.

 

The problem with guys like that is that if it weren't for the fact they knew it, they would be a good catch. It's the attitude that he knows that he seems to have it all and acts like a jerk, thinking any woman in her right mind would put up with it just to be with him, that holds him back from having any sort of healthy, meaningful relationship.

 

Good luck with it all, hon. It's a sticky situation, but you seem to be intelligent and have it all together, and I'm sure you'll be fine.

[AlwaysHope]

thanks for the input yall!!

 

oh, and Worried, i totally understand what you're feeling. it's confusing, painful, and pretty frightening to be losing your partner.

 

i think that if you're not happy, if you're not loved, if your partner is treating you with disrespect and dishonesty, you should get out of the situation.

 

a friend told me yesterday after our breakup that she thinks that the next guy i meet will change my life because i'll be so surprised at how good a relationship can be.

 

you get used to being emotionally abused and manipulated, but you sometimes have to break free of that, especially when you realize that it is NEVER going to change, as in my situation. if you love someone who doesn't love you back, your relationship will never be healthy, and in the long run it won't work.

 

good luck! keep in touch. these things are so much easier when you have people to talk to who understand and support you!!

[soft heart]

Hello there,

 

I think if you love this guy and you want to be with him, it was not necessary to break up with him. My boyfriend has done this to me before as well and it's normally because he is stressed and he wants to be left ALONE where he does not have to have the responsibility to tell you where he goes or with whom. Just imagine if you had exams on Monday and he would break up with you on Friday. How would you feel? You would probably hate him and you would think that he does not love you at all. Why don't you support him instead? you could have told him that you support him, you want him to pass all of his exams and you could have given him some space. Even if he went to a bar, maybe he just wanted to be alone, to take his mind off the exams. You are not a married couple yet so he does not owe you anything. You have not been very supportive towards him I am sorry to tell you that. When a man gets irritated, he is trying to tell you to leave him a alone for a bit, to give him space and time. I think the problem is that he is a very ambitious person as you have described him and he wants a girl next to him who can understand him and accept him. He probably didn't want to discuss your relationship, marriage and all of your other problems just a few days before his exams. He has this test to worry about and you are complaining to him about the way he has been. Yes in a way you are right, he was not treating you well but have you asked yourself if you respected him and his life and what he has to do? Guys absolutely hate when we girls try to limit them, put too many demands on them, expect of them to be always the perfect loving guys. I learned to relax and if I see that my boyfriend is busy with something else important to him, I do not attack him, I try to get busy with something that is important to me as love is not about duties but about a choice. You are two separate individuals. He has his life, his responsibilities and you have yours. You are there for each other through the difficult times and to make each other happier as life is so hard. I think he felt under too much pressure from you and you made him feel as if he should feel guilty he cannot be there for you when he is actually trying to achieve something in his life. I think if you love him and care about him and want the relationship back, I would sit down and write him a letter and apologise to him and tell him that you support him and you want him to suceed and you are there for him if he needs to talk to you and then leave him alone. That's my advice.

[AlwaysHope]

softheart, thanks for your input.

 

it's often hard for people to understand another's relationship over postings. i would like to clarify, however, that i have supported my ex through all four years of undergrad, through taking the MCAT, through applying to medical school, through being denied at some schools and accepted at others. i have sat by for years, giving him unending support through exams and tests, and have always taken second place to school. i have been fine with taking that position in his life, but unfortunately found that i have been supporting someone who cannot support me in return.

 

every year at final exams i have made him care packages, and have definitely given him all the "space" he needs to be successful. it is when he is a) lying about where he is and what he is doing b) verbally and emotionally abusive c) unable to make a committment or even TALK about it after years of dating and d) has no desire to see me when we are a LDR couple, that i cut the cord.

 

i did not choose the days before his exams to discuss marriage, either. we've been talking about it for several months, and it was actually HIM who brought up the fact that he doesn't want to be in such a committed relationship (and that he was doubting even being with ME).

 

i'm not the kind of girl to sit by and let someone pull me around emotionally, and then jerk me back and forth when it comes to a committment.

 

even if one is stressed, it is not an excuse to be abusive emotionally, verbally, or in any other manner, towards one's partner.

 

i believe that there is a man out there who will be ECSTATIC that he has a woman who loves him as much as i am capable of loving. the man i want to be with won't push me away when i offer to come see him. he won't be degrading and disparaging, insulting and rude, or turn his phone off just because he doesn't want to speak to me.

 

i think i'm worth more than that

[SexGoddess]

softheart, thanks for your input.

 

it's often hard for people to understand another's relationship over postings. i would like to clarify, however, that i have supported my ex through all four years of undergrad, through taking the MCAT, through applying to medical school, through being denied at some schools and accepted at others. i have sat by for years, giving him unending support through exams and tests, and have always taken second place to school. i have been fine with taking that position in his life, but unfortunately found that i have been supporting someone who cannot support me in return.

 

every year at final exams i have made him care packages, and have definitely given him all the "space" he needs to be successful. it is when he is a) lying about where he is and what he is doing b) verbally and emotionally abusive c) unable to make a committment or even TALK about it after years of dating and d) has no desire to see me when we are a LDR couple, that i cut the cord.

 

i did not choose the days before his exams to discuss marriage, either. we've been talking about it for several months, and it was actually HIM who brought up the fact that he doesn't want to be in such a committed relationship (and that he was doubting even being with ME).

 

i'm not the kind of girl to sit by and let someone pull me around emotionally, and then jerk me back and forth when it comes to a committment.

 

even if one is stressed, it is not an excuse to be abusive emotionally, verbally, or in any other manner, towards one's partner.

 

i believe that there is a man out there who will be ECSTATIC that he has a woman who loves him as much as i am capable of loving. the man i want to be with won't push me away when i offer to come see him. he won't be degrading and disparaging, insulting and rude, or turn his phone off just because he doesn't want to speak to me.

 

i think i'm worth more than that

 

yes, you are worth more than that

 

my guy makes me SOO confused..Like he says he wants to spend his life with me..but a month ago he said he wanted a break..and he says it's my fault & that I give him problems & never "work" on our relationship..well as u can see from my other posts I've worked DAMN hard on our relationship. He has put me through hell & back again..I just don't get why he is saying this. I'm very young I'm almost 18..so that's a good factor; but that doesn't mean that I don't love him with my whole heart & I have been through everything with him & all of that. We can have the most wonderful relationship..but he's just such a CONTROL freak..and always finds a way to blame me. and I love him, so it's hard not to believe him until I have someone else come up & say "hey that's not right, he shouldn't say that to you after all you've been through"..ugh it's so stressful. I'm glad you're free & know what You want. I'm still working on it.

[Rikka]

Always Hope, I am glad you made the right decison for you, and it is clear by your last post you are comfortable and happy in your decision. Best of luck with your future, and you are right, you are worth more than he was giving you.

[scrybe74]

These are classic signs of a guy who's feeling guilty and wants to end the relationship without confrontation. He's either done something or about to do something that he feels guilt about. Best case scenario is that he's met someone that he's fallen for and is confused and doesn't know what to do. Worst case is that he's been partying it up and has slept with one or more women already and has grown tired of being in a committed relationship. In either case.....what he's doing is not as important as how he's treating you right now. You shouldn't stand for such treatment. If someone cares for you they just don't treat you like that. Period.

 

You may have given him what he wanted (breaking up) but in the end it's the best for you. Otherwise he will string you along out of guilt and selfishness for the next few weeks/months. Breaking it off was teh easy part. Actually trying to move on is what will challenge you. You'll start to make excuses for him.....you'll remember the good times more than the bad....you'll start wondering if it's you and what did you do wrong....you'll start to wonder that if he would just talk to you that things can be worked out....as if there was simply a 'problem' that needed fixing and you two can go on your merry way. Whatever he's going through or doing....you allowing him to treat you that way just enables and validates his actions. Doesn't he deserve a second chance if he wants it? Of course...you've got history. But before you start throwing out second chances.....think long and hard about what it's going to take to make you feel safe to trust him again. Confession, explanation, apology, counseling.....or all of the above.....but leaving the door open is a ....BAAAD idea.

 

My truest advice would be to start preparing yourself to move on.....soon.

[norajane]

he's a triathlete, a medical student, fairly good looking, and very smart.

 

obsessive over-achiever who always needs to be in control...

 

triathletes can be very regimented in what they do and when they do it...food, studies, sleeping, social activities...all must fit the training/competing schedule and plan. this spills over into the rest of their lives even when not during race season (I was a triathlete widow for two summers )

 

med students become residents...and will have NO time for a girlfriend or wife - school and residency will totally wreak havoc with his training schedule (which will make him feel mentally and phsyically bad), and will make him feel out of control

 

if he's already feeling out of control, an impending commitment/marriage would make him feel even more out of control, but, AHA!, that is the one thing he can control! So he makes noises about breaking up.

 

Maybe helps to understand, but bottom line, it doesn't change how he's treating you, and will continue to treat you. His priorities are likely to place you, or any serious-type relationship, toward the bottom of the list for years to come. It sounds like you already know you don't want to be down there.

[AlwaysHope]

i am totally blown away by how accurately all these postings have reflected my situation...you guys are good!

 

anyways, i'm struggling now, because the as-of-now Ex is MISERABLE (of course) and is calling me (as predicted) and trying to apologize. he has said some of the sweetest things i've ever heard him say, so it's very difficult to stay strong. he wants to come see me this weekend, and i had a hard time refusing, but i did. to my credit, i haven't taken him back.

 

scrybe hit the nail on the head. all of those "the way we were" thoughts are running through my head, and i'm definitely starting to make excuses for him and think "if only he would [whatever], we could be fine." this is especially hard when he calls and tells me he didn't appreciate me before, that now he knows what he's lost, that he loves me and wants me in his life.

 

but he still doesn't want a committment.

 

he told me that he is absolutely uninterested in talking to other women. wanna know why? because he went out the night after we broke up. and you guessed it! talked to other women!!

 

so maybe he's not all that crushed. he goes back and forth between "i hope you find someone who can give you what i couldn't" to "i'm not ready to lose you." (those are real quotes).

 

note the selfishness STILL though..."I'M not READY to lose you." he is scared to be alone, and i don't blame him, because i am too. maybe he just should have thought about being alone before he hung up on me and shut his phone off because he didn't want to "deal with me," and it turned out that i was only calling because i found out my grandfather is dying.

 

class act. it's still hard to be strong, especially when all i can think about are the good times. although i realized the other day...good times for us equalled a day that i wasn't upset over something. good times for us was the equivalent of neutral, normal times for other couples. and our neutral times were generally spent with one or both of us upset over something.

 

sorry for such a long post; i guess i'm just venting.

 

OH and norajane? yes. the triathlete mentality is HUGE with him. his life is on a strict schedule, day in and day out. i have barely fit into it for the past two years. i even tried to take up running (which i HATE) just to be able to spend more time with him.

 

ouch! someone must be out there who is capable of efficient and LOVING time-management!

[brightskies]

i have supported my ex through all four years of undergrad, through taking the MCAT, through applying to medical school, through being denied at some schools and accepted at others. i have sat by for years, giving him unending support through exams and tests, and have always taken second place to school. i have been fine with taking that position in his life, but unfortunately found that i have been supporting someone who cannot support me in return.

 

every year at final exams i have made him care packages, and have definitely given him all the "space" he needs to be successful. it is when he is a) lying about where he is and what he is doing b) verbally and emotionally abusive c) unable to make a committment or even TALK about it after years of dating and d) has no desire to see me when we are a LDR couple, that i cut the cord.

 

i'm not the kind of girl to sit by and let someone pull me around emotionally, and then jerk me back and forth when it comes to a committment. even if one is stressed, it is not an excuse to be abusive emotionally, verbally, or in any other manner, towards one's partner.

 

i believe that there is a man out there who will be ECSTATIC that he has a woman who loves him as much as i am capable of loving. the man i want to be with won't push me away when i offer to come see him. he won't be degrading and disparaging, insulting and rude, or turn his phone off just because he doesn't want to speak to me.

 

i think i'm worth more than that

 

AlwaysHope,

 

That's awesome, I'm really happy for you. Not for the breakup --- that sucks --- but for the fact that your self-esteem and optimism are intact despite all the drama and that you're handling the situation and yourself so well. You're strong enough to walk away and take care of yourself instead trying to hold onto a relationship that was neither mutually satisfying nor healthy. And you're right --- there will be someone out there who'll be really good to you and will appreciate you. Just don't lose sight of the fact that you deserve better and don't let your ex jerk you around. You may want to try NC to clear your head and help you move on with your life. Stay strong and best of luck.

[norajane]

OH and norajane? yes. the triathlete mentality is HUGE with him. his life is on a strict schedule, day in and day out. i have barely fit into it for the past two years. i even tried to take up running (which i HATE) just to be able to spend more time with him.

 

 

I did the exact same thing! I took up running so we could at least spend more time together, and went to some of his races so I could cheer him on at the finish.

 

It did give us more time together, and we did end up running in some 5k's and 10k's together, but I think it mostly helped me understand the mentality. There is something addictive about it - maybe the endorphin rush? I don't know. When I found myself outside running in 15 degree weather because I felt somehow guilty for missing a day, it didn't phase me. But when I found myself running in 100 degree weather just so I didn't miss a run, I realized how unhealthy such a regimented way of thinking really was, and I didn't want to be that kind of person.

 

The thing with people like that is there is NO room for spontaneity and EVERYTHING else takes a backseat.

 

Hang in there - you know what's important to you.

[AlwaysHope]

lol.

 

my ex is being super persistent. i'm honestly having a little bit of guilty fun because i've never had the "upper hand," so to speak, in the relationship.

 

he is asking me to come see him this weekend (a 2.5 hour drive) and i said, "if you want to see me, you can come here. but you're not staying here. find a place to stay." he is trying to talk me into driving up there but i've stayed firm.

 

he told me that he wants to go into couples counseling with my minister and start going to church/bible study (my faith has become really important to me lately). he SAYS he wants to move towards an engagement (one of our issues, the fear-of-committment thing) and that he wants to build our marriage on faith and with the right people leading us.

 

wow! what a change of heart! i haven't fallen for it yet though, even though it sounds pretty darn good.

 

if he wants me back, he'll have to show me that he's changed. HE will drive down here and respect my wishes that he not stay with me (sex complicates everything ). HE will make an appointment at the church, and HE will even drive down here to go to church/bible study/counseling with me. it's his turn. i've done enough.

 

let's see if he means it. again, thanks for all the advice!!!!