When someone says "get over it"

[RustyRazors]

Well, my past was filled with extreme mental abuse from my family and sexual from moms drunken boyfriends. Mother would watch as the sexual abuse was taken in place, and later she called me names like whore for allowing men to harm me. I always visit communities to share my story and to meet others who suffered the same.

The thing is I opened up to a co-worker about 2 months ago. I never eally talked to her even though I have been working with her for a few years. We became close after we mover together to a different building and always worked side by side. She asked me one day what was bothering me. And she said I could talk to her about anything, to trust her. I wrote her a note explaing that I suffer from bulimia, cutting and an abusive past. She sounded worried yet not very caring.

She said I need "to get over evrything" "stop living in the past" or else I will never live.

How do I explin to her that you cant simpliy forget everything that happened to you, and its not easy as it sound to "forgive and forget"

She sees I am uncomfortable when guys flirt with me, and expects me to take them up on offers like she does.

Am I wrong or is she wrong?

Or are we both wrong about the whole......forget about it thing.

Will she ever get it...and will I ever be able to put it behind me?

[Guest]

First, let me say I am sorry to hear this has happened to you....!!!!

 

I am not sure that she means to uncaring, it just might be her tone and the way she speaks... Saying get over it is a well intended statement... I would like to think she is meaning to move on your life and try to put the past in the past because truly you can't go on until you deal with what you have been through... it doesn't mean forget it... you need to deal with all the pain and hurt... Have you thought of therapy? It could very well help you cope with and deal better with these issues.... You can't just bury them, you need to deal with what happened and face the issues you now have as well, so that you can heal and move on with your life... I wish you the best, please take care of yourself............

[Outcast]

I've had a long discussion with a friend about the nature of empathy. I think, as with so many other things, some folks have it and some simply do not. They lack the imagination or whatever's needed to understand what something they haven't personally experienced might be like. They can't extrapolate from similar situations even.

 

So I'd give up hope of her 'getting it'. Some people you encounter will and others like that one won't and there's not a heck of a lot you can do about it, I'm afraid.

 

As for you, you really need to consider professional counselling. A life like you've had can do a lot of damage that you haven't the expertise to fix. Even though you are out of the situation, you can call a domestic abuse line and ask for a referral to a psychologist who can guide your healing.

[amaysngrace]

So I'd give up hope of her 'getting it'. Some people you encounter will and others like that one won't and there's not a heck of a lot you can do about it, I'm afraid.

 

 

 

I agree. Some people, although they may mean well in asking, are hardly equipped in handling the answer. Which I think is what you're sensing by asking here afterall. To justify in your head that what you think is indeed correct. Which it is.

 

I also agree with professional counseling. You have endured a lot in your lifetime, and may need help in dealing with it.

 

The sooner you can face these issues and resolve them, the sooner you will find your comfort zone. And you have every right to be comfortable in your own skin!

[lindya]

:She asked me one day what was bothering me. And she said I could talk to her about anything, to trust her. I wrote her a note explaing that I suffer from bulimia, cutting and an abusive past. She sounded worried yet not very caring. She said I need "to get over evrything" "stop living in the past" or else I will never live.

 

It sounds as if she'd like to view herself as a good helper, but lacks the necessary skills to be effective. I'm sure you'd love to "get over it", but the question is how you do that.

 

"Get over it" can, I think, often just sound like another way of saying "stop talking about it". Sometimes people overestimate their ability to help, or underestimate the time-span over which help can achieve tangible benefits. They get frustrated, and start to blame the person they wanted to help. In that sense, from your friend's perspective this could have become a bit more about her needs (ie to feel that she's succeeded in the task of helping you through this) and less about yours.

 

I agree with the others that the most reliable method of dealing with this would be to seek counselling. I know we're always saying that on this board, but it makes sense to go to someone who's properly trained in the art of listening, helping you to identify issues and assisting you to challenge your existing patterns of thinking.

 

I think it's probably less a case of getting over what happened in your past as learning to manage it by finding ways of minimising its impact on your present life. A counsellor could help you to identify and learn to anticipate particular triggers, and then look at coping mechanisms you can develop as a response to those triggers.

 

Cutting and bulimia are clearly the methods you're currently using to cope. I think you probably need to discuss that in detail with the counsellor. There are many theories about why people do these things, but really you need someone to help you express your particular reasons.

 

Once you've developed some awareness of what it is you get from those behaviours (let's say, for example, a sense of control or distraction from emotional pain) you can start considering new ways of producing similar results. This would probably involve you going into great detail with the counsellor about what things trigger the harmful behaviours, what your thoughts are during them...and how you feel immediately after the behaviour.

 

How do I explin to her that you cant simpliy forget everything that happened to you, and its not easy as it sound to "forgive and forget"

 

I think that if she ever encourages you to discuss your issues with her again, it's probably a good idea to very nicely but firmly tell her that you'd prefer not to. That the issues are complex, and best dealt with in a counselling environment.

 

It's not your fault that she doesn't get this, and it's not necessarily her fault either. People simply vary in the things they're good at...and providing a patient listening ear might not one of her stronger areas. It doesn't make her a bad or uncaring person, it just means that she's not the best person for you to discuss these particular matters with. However much she might want to be.