my breakup

[kimberlee]

Well Sunday me and my boyfriend of a year and 9 months broke up. We were each others first serious relationship. I am 21 and he is 23. Since the time we started going out things were pretty good. For awhile we had some trust issues, etc. But we really never fought with each other. Saturday night I asked him for about the third time(each time when i asked before i never got a straight answer) where we were headed. I wanted to know if he saw me in his future. He got very upset about me asking that question, and said that he was tried of talking about that, and that maybe we should just take a break, after talking another hour or so he said that we should maybe just break up for now. He said that he sees us having disagreements about that same type of things over and over, and we just ignore it, and a month or so later that problem comes up again. I tried to tell him that couples have problems, and we could get though it, but he said that right now he didn't know if it would ever work between us. He said that he still cares about me, but for right now we shouldn't be together. I know that there isn't any other girls in his life, and i honestly believe that we could have a great relationship if we had tried harder. Everyone that we know thinks that we made a great couple, and although we had some problems, we will get back together. I'm honestly not sure. We never have broken up with each other before, or ever had a serious fight really before except for once. I think that we were probably just getting too serious, and he said that i was getting really weird about the whole future thing. I was just trying to find out with we even had a future. Do you think that it is over? Or should I just give him some time like our friends say, and he will realize what a mistake he has made? or should I call him and try to meet with him somewhere to talk? I'm really not sure. I care about him so much, and felt that he was the one, and I thought that for a long time he felt the same way about me. Do you think it would be a bad idea to become friends with each other? or possibly try to date more casually so that we wouldn't be so pressured to decide our future right away? Someone please help me!!!

[midori]

It's hard to see sometimes that even if you and another person share a core of emotions (love, affection,etc.) you may each have very different ideas about where to go with those feelings, what the ultimate goal is. It sounds like your conversations with your boyfriend about where your relationship was going were unearthing the different perspectives you each have about what the goal is. It sounds like maybe what he was saying to you is that you and he have different agendas, different goals. The fact that you're asking "where is the relationship headed" suggests that you've got a somewhat specific agenda, perhaps a five year plan culminating in marriage? Or something along those lines? Your bf wasn't prepared to answer those questions because he hasn't got the same goal. He probably doesn't have a clear-cut goal for your relationship -- except to not make any long-term decisions.

 

21 & 23 are pretty young. At the ripe old age of 30, I've only just realized that I had a very different agenda than my erstwhile boyfriend of four years. So don't feel bad. But do realize that his choice is a perfectly valid one, even if he does feel strongly for you. He's not ready to answer the questions you're putting to him. Doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to ask them if they're important to you, it just means that he's not able to give you what you want. He has recognized this, and that's why he broke up with you. Which sucks for you, I know. And his choice does carry some implications for him: he must be able to let go of you entirely. He's not ready for a relationship with you, or it's just not what he wants. Either way he should recognize that you deserve to have the kind of relationship you want, and since that can't be with him it will be with someone else. And he should be happy for you. If he can't be he'll have to remove himself from the scene entirely -- and he should be asking himself some serious questions about his dog-in-the-manger attitude.

 

I'm afraid you have no choice but to accept the break up and move on. I do hope that your ex will be self-aware and considerate enough to not make this more difficult for you by sending you mixed signals. There is nothing you can or should be doing to change his mind. He has to come to his discoveries on his own, in his own time. Might be years before he's ready to answer the kinds of questions you were asking. Be glad that he took them seriously and didn't just give you a glib answer that would shut you up. If he does start sending mixed signals I hope you'll have the strength (that I lacked for years) to ignore them. When and if he knows what he wants he'll let the relevant person know in no uncertain terms. Unless he's ready to do that, he'll only be able to have relationships that can go only "so far," that lack commitment, etc. Which is not what you want, right?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get better, especially if you bear in mind what you ultimately want, and then assess with a critical eye whether or not a given person is likely to provide what you want. Good luck!

[Ed]

Do you think that it is over?

 

This may seem ironic and weird, but the best chance you have of this relationship ever working out is to assume it is over, FOREVER, not "for now" like he said! People say things like "for now" when breaking up in an attempt to be nice to themselves or someone else. They usually don't say this to intentionally deceive or lead someone on, but the other person often takes it that way.

 

The best thing for you to do at this time is to assume it is over, FOREVER, and live your life as such. Not out of hate, hurt or spite. Just move on with dignity and self-respect.

 

Or should I just give him some time like our friends say, and he will realize what a mistake he has made?

 

Give him all the time and space he wants, but don't for one instance hold on to the hope that he will come crawling back asking you to forgive him for the mistake he has made. It may never happen. You can always forgive him later without sitting back, waiting and hoping for it to happen. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain by moving on with your life. Sitting back, waiting and hoping will only make it harder for you to move on later. Strike now while the iron is hot.

 

or should I call him and try to meet with him somewhere to talk?

 

He has already told you he does not want to talk about "the future". Leave him to his own devices. Don't call him. Let him make the move for a meeting or to talk. Even if he does call you and want to talk or get together, he probably will not want to talk about "the future".

 

Do you think it would be a bad idea to become friends with each other?

 

If you have broken up or are breaking up, it is a bad idea to try to be friends anytime soon. Be friendly, YES, but be friends in the normal sense of the word, NO! Unless or until the feelings of love are gone for BOTH of you, it will be virtually impossible to carry on a normal friendship.

 

or possibly try to date more casually so that we wouldn't be so pressured to decide our future right away?

 

Well, this is exactly what he wants to do and what you have not wanted to do. That's what this whole breakup is about. Why would you want to continue seeing him under these circumstances? He is not ready to talk about "the future" and you are.

 

Although both of you are still rather young compared to the big picture, after dating for a year and a half, it is not out of line for a discussion about the future. You want to give the relationship time to see if you have what it takes to make it together. At the same time, you don't want to date someone for years and years without hope for something more permanent if that's what you ultimately want out of life.