Stay or leave??

[SUMMER 1969]

Hello, I had a few other posts on this website, and Once again I need some more advise.. This is kind of long, sorry, but please read...

 

I was dating a guy for a year, he is 33 years old and I am 29 years old.. We live a hour and a half away.. Every week we always get together for a few nights..

 

Well, about 3 weeks ago I was at his house and I asked him how he felt about me.. He told me that he cares for me and likes me a lot, but is not falling in love with me.. I was upset and I told him that if he did not love me now, he never would and left his house..

 

Well, We talked on the phone later that week and I told him that I did not want to loose him and I wanted him in my life.. He told me that he wants to have kids one day and get married but not to me..

 

Well, he kept calling me and talked to me liked nothing ever happened.. He asked me to go to his house and I did, I asked him what was going on between us and he told me we will just take one day at a time..

 

Well, I went on a week vaction and did a lot of thinking, so when I got home I went to his house again and asked him again what was going on between us.. He again told me we will take one day at a time.. I told him that I am not going to sit around and just have sex with him while he is out looking for someone else..

 

He told me that there is no one else in his life and he does not want anyone else... So, a few days ago I had to go to the doctor to get a byopsi and he went with me, he stayed over at my house for 2 nights and then had to go home since he had to work.. He asked me to go home with him, so I did and stayed there for 2 nights.

 

Well, today he called me and said that he has to work over time next week so he can not come to see me, but I can go and stay at his place.

 

I guess I am looking for some advise here, do you think maybe he does have feelings for me? Do you think I should just walk away? Do you think I should distance myself from him?

 

I understand you can not tell me what to do, but I am really looking for some imput, I need someone to tell me what they think of this mess.. I can not seem to think clearly..

 

Thank you,

 

Summer

[johan]

If I felt about a girl the way he feels about you, then I would cut the relationship off. You've made it clear how you feel. And he has made it clear he will only feel that way for someone else. That means that, regardless of your feelings now, and regardless of what they will grow into, he's going to move on to someone else. And that means hurting you now, or hurting you worse later. He knows that will happen, and he's either selfish or has no understanding of what it will mean to you. I think it is low of him to use you like that.

 

But he seems willing to do it. So the only one of you who will look out for you is you. I suggest you euthanize this relationship to protect your own mental and emotional health.

[SwayLady]

IMO, he is merely settling for you, until something better comes along. And as soon as something better does come along, he will drop you like a hot cake.

[AriaIncognito]

Unfortunately I have to agree with the other two replies. My last ex told me that he really loved being with me, our relationship was so easy, blah blah blah but he "didnt feel himself letting go" and he "wasn't sure if it was meant for long term". He kept telling me that and I kept hoping he'd change his mind. He never did, and well, we've been broken up 2 months now. No contact. Nothing.

 

Do yourself a favor and let it go now. It only gets harder. Trust me. You'll keep falling deeper for him, meanwhile he'll be updating all his online dating profiles. It's no way to live. You deserve better.

 

Jennifer

[johan]

Sorry to hear that, ariawoman. It's unusual for the in-between feelings to turn into something more. Especially when conditions don't change much.

[SUMMER 1969]

Maybe you are all correct in saying he is just settling for me.. He tells me now that he is not looking for anyone else and has a lot of fun with me and enjoys just being with me, but he is not falling in love with me..

 

I keep thinking that I can do things different and he will end up falling in love with me.. I know that if he does not love me now, he never will, but its like my heart keeps telling me to stay and my mind is telling me to walk away from him..

 

I don't know what to do anymore... I have a lot of fun with him, I enjoy just laying around doing nothing with him, I care a lot about him and in so many ways I feel like I am falling for him and that scares me..

 

I know that I should walk away, but for some reason I can not seem to do that..

 

There are times where he acts like he cares for me so much, and then there are other times where it does not seem like he cares at all...

 

I know this is wrong of me, but I did snoop throgh his house and looked on his cell phone to make sure there was no other woman.. And there was not any kind of sign what so ever that there was anyone else..

 

Has anyone been where I am at right now??

[garnet]

I've been a situation that was somewhat similar. I agree with the other posters. You are only prolonging your heartache by sticking around. He wouldn't be saying this to you if he wasn't sure it was true.

 

If it were me, I don't care how much I liked someone, if they said they weren't falling in love with me then I would walk away with my dignity intact. I wouldn't be able to respect myself by staying in the situation.

 

If by some chance he finds that his feelings do change, it's unfortunately not going to happen by you sticking around. I strongly encourage you to walk away now. I know it's hard, but you'll feel better about yourself for doing it. Best wishes to you.

[norajane]

The longer you hang around with this guy, the longer you're preventing yourself from meeting someone who could fall in love with you.

 

Not only is he taking up your free time and energy, but you're not open to other guys at this point because you're feelings are all wrapped up in him. Do yourself a favor and move on.

[SwayLady]

You've got one of two choices. You can either stick around with no expectations of him and enjoy it while it lasts, or you can get out of it as another poster said, with your dignity intact.

 

I too have been in this same situation with an ex before, as other posters in this thread have also. You are recieving advice from those with first hand experience in this kind of situation, you'd be wise heeding it honestly.

 

You said that if you do things differently, he may end up falling in love with you. I thought the exact same of my ex and guess what. He didn't fall in love with me. Sure, he said he loved me, he liked me, he enjoyed my company, he couldn't imagine not having me in his life, etc - but he wasn't in love with me and he wouldn't committ.

 

I hung around for a long time like a fool, spent years waiting around for him in fact, hoping that things would change, that he would finally see that I was what he wanted. But the predictable happened, he met someone else and BOOM, I was history!

 

Now I look back and think, what a total waste and what a fool I must've been.

[SwayLady]

 

If by some chance he finds that his feelings do change, it's unfortunately not going to happen by you sticking around. I strongly encourage you to walk away now. I know it's hard, but you'll feel better about yourself for doing it. Best wishes to you.

 

I agree. He needs a wake up call. She won't find out how he really feels, until she walks out of his life and she's no longer there. She needs to give him a taste of his life without her in it. It isn't until she's gone, that he will come to realise if he misses her not, if he does truly love her or not.

 

He'll be back, if there's anything there.

 

I so wish I'd done this with my ex, rather than play the role of puppy dog, who was there at his beck and call.

[SUMMER 1969]

Thank you all so much for your input... Let me ask you this..

 

Since right now we are talking and hanging out and things, do I just blow him off? Do I tell him that I no longer want to deal with this kind of realtionship? What or shall I say how do I handle this now?

 

I think it was really good advise saying that I should walk away from him and let him decide and find out if he does actully have more feelings for me, rather then me just acting like a puppy to him..

 

If he asked me to jump I would ask how high! I feel like I am cheating myself by staying..

 

You all have helped me so much.. Thank you

[AriaIncognito]

Maybe you are all correct in saying he is just settling for me.. He tells me now that he is not looking for anyone else and has a lot of fun with me and enjoys just being with me, but he is not falling in love with me..

 

I keep thinking that I can do things different and he will end up falling in love with me.. I know that if he does not love me now, he never will, but its like my heart keeps telling me to stay and my mind is telling me to walk away from him..

 

I don't know what to do anymore... I have a lot of fun with him, I enjoy just laying around doing nothing with him, I care a lot about him and in so many ways I feel like I am falling for him and that scares me..

 

I know that I should walk away, but for some reason I can not seem to do that..

 

There are times where he acts like he cares for me so much, and then there are other times where it does not seem like he cares at all...

 

I know this is wrong of me, but I did snoop throgh his house and looked on his cell phone to make sure there was no other woman.. And there was not any kind of sign what so ever that there was anyone else..

 

Has anyone been where I am at right now??

 

Been exactly where you are right now, which is why I posted what I did before. He wasn't looking for anyone else either. He also told me how much fun it was with me, how easy things were, but how he just wasn't falling for me. I know what you're going through, all too well, and it's hell. There's nothing YOU can do because YOU arent the one with the issue here. He's the one that doesn't love you. For whatever reason. And that is no fault of yours, any more than i could fault myself for my ex not falling for me. They want whoever it is they see in their minds eye as being "the one" and we just weren't it. It's no fault to you. He's just not that into you. Plain and simple. Hurts like hell, I know, but it's what it is.

 

Jennifer

[garnet]

all you need to do is thank him for being honest with you about his feelings. Then tell him that you've been thinking about it and you realize that having him in your life right now isn't healthy for you. Whether you leave the option open for a future friendship is up to you. Then wish him the best. Don't make it a big dramatic thing, just be honest.

 

At a minimum, it will make him respect you more. But that's not really the important thing...what's important is that you will respect yourself more. And then you'll have taken the first step toward finding someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. It's hard I know, because I've done it. And so can you.

[SwayLady]

Thank you all so much for your input... Let me ask you this..

 

Since right now we are talking and hanging out and things, do I just blow him off? Do I tell him that I no longer want to deal with this kind of realtionship? What or shall I say how do I handle this now?

 

If it was me in this situation now, I'd sit him down and raise the subject of our relationship and where we are headed, if anywhere. I'd tell him straight, how you are really feeling in regard to your relationship, that you feel he is taking you for granted, that you feel you are being used, etc and await his reaction and what he says. He will likely be confused. After all, he has already told you where you stand with him and he thinks that he has your approval of the way things are in your relationship, because you remain with him in this situation.

 

It's likely that he will come back with something along the lines, that he thinks that 'things are fine as they are between us'. Well fine for him perhaps, not so fine for you and you need to let him know that. If he comes back with something along those lines and I can guarantee that he will, then you are going to have to summon all of your courage and strength to tell him that you think it best, if you part the ways. Because if this is how he feels, he cannot give what you are truly seeking, you see no point in carrying on with him, you see no future for the two of you.

 

Just watch his face. He won't believe, what he is hearing! This alone could be the wake up call he needs, but on the offchance it isn't, walk out of the door and don't look back. Ignore his pleas that he doesn't want to end things totally with you, that he loves you, etc. It's not enough and not good enough. Keep telling yourself that you deserve a partner that is in love with you, that does want to marry you and have children with you. No longer will you play the part of the fool, awaiting to be thrown away like yesterdays trash, when something better comes along.

 

think it was really good advise saying that I should walk away from him and let him decide and find out if he does actully have more feelings for me, rather then me just acting like a puppy to him..

 

If he asked me to jump I would ask how high! I feel like I am cheating myself by staying..

 

 

He is so sure of the fact, that you will always be there for him, for as long as he needs and wants you. He's got you exactly where he wants you and he knows it. And this why he WON'T change!

 

As I said above, he needs to have a taste of his life, without you in it. Because it's only when we are gone, that we are going to be missed and you need to give him an opportunity, to miss you. You won't be giving him any opportunity to miss you/see how he really feels, until you exit his life.

 

Keep us informed of how things go

[LaraV]

There are times where he acts like he cares for me so much, and then there are other times where it does not seem like he cares at all...

 

I know this is wrong of me, but I did snoop throgh his house and looked on his cell phone to make sure there was no other woman.. And there was not any kind of sign what so ever that there was anyone else..

 

Has anyone been where I am at right now??

 

Summer, I've posted here before on how I am in the exact same place as you. Had been with him for over a year - we had a talk about where we were heading, he said he didn't really know if he wanted to be with me or not; I told him it was fine, that I we would just enjoy each other's company and see where it all went (and I hoped he'd fall for me in time) - well that went on for several months until about two ago when he finally said he wanted to break up. I asked him if he loved me at all, and he said no.

 

At times he acted like he really cared, and at time he acted like he didn't care at all. One of my many regrets was not being the one to walk away first. I have plenty of others, too, but that one just drives me crazy. Don't be like me and wait around like an idiot for him "to come around." There is NOTHING heroic in loving someone who doesn't love you back. At a certain point, I think you just have to cut your losses and walk away. But I know that's a hard line to cross. There is always a little bit of hope that they'll fall for you. Well, for me that hope ended when HE called it quits. I mean, it doesn't get any clearer than "I don't love you" and "I don't want to be with you." But oh I so wish I had been the one to walk away.

[SUMMER 1969]

Yeah i understand what you are all saying... I need to walk away..

 

I just talked to him a few min ago and sex was brought up.. He told me that I could never turn him down.. I told him I can and I will turn him down. He told me that I need him for sex, I told him I could find someone else if I wanted and he got mad at me.. He asked me if I was threating him, I told him that I was promising him that..

 

I don't know, he only thinks of himself and he could care less if I walked away or not, I guess maybe thats why I am having such a problem with this.. If I felt like maybe he would hurt if I walked away maybe I would feel better.. but I know deep down inside myself he would not care..

 

I just need to get the courage to walk away from him... I know I am better then this, and I know I would rather be alone, then to sit here and cry about some guy that does not care about me..

 

Our reationship is what it is, its all about him, and I need to change this..

 

People make there lives on what they want, and I know I don't want to be with someone like him, but for some odd reason, I can not seem to let him go..

 

Why??? Is it because my ego is bruised? My self esteem is shot? All's I know is I am getting sick of feeling this way..

[garnet]

Summer,

 

This guy sounds extremely selfish and immature. He needs to be shown the door. You're strong enough to do this...get rid of him now and analyze later. Remember...dignity!

[SUMMER 1969]

He is very selfish, he is the type of guy who only thinks of himself and that is it..

 

I guess that why I don't know why I am having such a problem here... Is it the chase? I don't know what the problem is, I am usually not one to put up with crap like this..

[SwayLady]

He told you that you wouldn't and couldn't turn him down for sex. That comment alone would be enough for me to walk away.

 

Grrrr, why waste your time on someone who appears not to give a damn about you?

 

Again, you won't know if he really gives a damn or not, until you walk.

[norajane]

You know what? You can do this. Just do it. Don't even bother talking to him anymore. What more is there to say anyway? After that comment about not being able to turn him down for sex, you ought to be able to turn him down for everything! What an ass!

 

Do it now. Just block his email, block his calls, and make plans to go out with your girlfriends. You can meet other people. The problem is you won't while you're still holding out hope this guy's going to come around - he's not...he's the kind of guy who will NEVER get it and will NEVER come around. It has nothing to do with you - he's not capable of giving you what you want, because he's not capable of having a real relationship with honesty and respect and real caring. He has nothing to offer anyone, and he can't handle being with someone like you!

[Guest]

He is very selfish, he is the type of guy who only thinks of himself and that is it..

 

I guess that why I don't know why I am having such a problem here... Is it the chase? I don't know what the problem is, I am usually not one to put up with crap like this..

 

Summer, being that my job is to analyze people and looking over all your posts I would have to say you should get some professional help. The people on this site have really given you some good advise but you seem to ignore it. There is nothing more to analyze about your relationship since this guy is being honest with you. What's more distrubing is the statement he made about you needing him for sex. If this comment does not open up your eyes I am afraid nothing will.

 

Once more looking over your posts I would have to say you have a past with men you have not shared with us. Possibly you have been a battered women or a victim of a sexual assault. Your self-estem is very low and it's to a point where you are holding on to something that's not there. If you say you want to settle down and have kids this is just not the right guy for you. If you want the pain to stop you are the only one that can make it happen.

 

I promise you the pain will go away. You need to let go and move on with your life. There could be someone else out there for you and you are focussing in on this guy and could be missing out. Stop playing the game and stop chasing him. Once you get him you might find out it's not what you really wanted. If you want to chase someone chase after a guy that treats you right.

 

Again if you are not getting what people are telling you about this guy maybe get some professional help or atleast talk with someone you can trust.

[SUMMER 1969]

To be honest with you, I have been sexually assulted a few times in my life.. Maybe thats why I date the kind of guys I do.. In ways I feel like I deserve to get treated this way..

 

I do have low self esteem, and I think in ways I always will.. I have talked to a professional before, and it does not seem to help me..

 

I feel dirty all of the time, its to the point I just dislike myself and I try very hard not to feel that way..

 

If you have ever been raped, then you will know exactly what it feels like to feel dirty all of the time..

 

Back on the subject of the guy I am dating, You all have given me great advise and it is helping me.. It is making me think more about this mess..

 

I know I am not a bad person, infact I know I am a good person, but, I always feel like I don't deserve someone good..

 

Now that I am typing this all out maybe it is because I have been sexually assulted..

 

Is this normal?

 

I can not even believe I am telling you all this, but I guess its now or never right...

[garnet]

summer,

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. The key is first understanding the pattern of your involvement with certain types of men. Then, having the courage to take the first step toward creating a NEW pattern. This step is simply the act of standing up for yourself. That act alone is manifest with a great amount of power. Once you do that you will feel better, I absolutely guarantee it. The strength gained from that will far outweigh the pain of the lost relationship.

 

After that, I would suggest taking some time for yourself to build more strength and confidence. Making the decision to put yourself first is of utmost importance. Focus on your goals, dreams, hobbies, and on nurturing the relationships in your life that are healthy and positive. A good friend once told me "you just worry about taking care of you, and your life life will take care of itself." I'm still in the "taking care of myself" part and hoping that I will eventually have a love life again. But I'm finally at a point with myself that I understand that it can't be any other way for the relationship to be healthy and balanced. I'd rather wait until the right thing comes along...even if that means waiting a long time...than settle for something that is less than I (finally!) know I deserve.

 

I hope this helps.

[SUMMER 1969]

So what you are saying is for me to stay single and trying to find out what I really enjoy and getting to know myself and not worry about a man in my life?

 

I mean, that totally makes sense, and maybe you are right, maybe I should get to know myself and make myself number 1... If that means being selfish well maybe that is what I need to do..

 

I am to the point if you asked me what my faviorte color is I would honeslty not kow what to say.. That is how messed up I am right now..

[Guest]

So what you are saying is for me to stay single and trying to find out what I really enjoy and getting to know myself and not worry about a man in my life?

 

I mean, that totally makes sense, and maybe you are right, maybe I should get to know myself and make myself number 1... If that means being selfish well maybe that is what I need to do..

 

I am to the point if you asked me what my faviorte color is I would honeslty not kow what to say.. That is how messed up I am right now..

 

I would have to agree you should focus on the things in your life that make you happy. Also make sure you are around positive people who care about you. I am also messed up right now, but I do know my favorate color is red but I don't know much else.

 

Good Luck.