I am a loser...I don't deserve you...etc

[Inaconfusedstate]

Hello everyone, I'm not a member, so I hope everyone wouldn't mind giving me some insight in my situation that I've been trying to understand for quite sometime. The situation is about my husband. During our marriage, he made lots of mistakes but I've learnt to forgive him and I know he loves me BUT not sure if it is 100%.

 

The thing I try to understand. He grew up a in home where he was not getting enough perspective about life. His mother wasn't quite a life educator and so was his dad. She drinks and smokes. So you get the idea where he got these behaviors from. That what he did, drugs, heavily drinking and smoking. We got married 4 yrs ago. During those years we had our bad times: cried, foughts, screamed at each other ears.

 

So whenever we got to a serious, serious trouble like about splitting up, he has this self-destruction behaviors. For instace, he kept saying "I'm a loser, stupid, and an *******." He always told me he loves me so much but he is a loser and wanted me to be happy with someone who might treats me better than he was. Then he start drinking and drown in his own sorrow.

 

Why did he do that? He've never asked for the forgiveness, a chance, to prove himself that he did care about me when he made mistakes. Why he always wanted me to leave him all the time when he said all he wanted is me? I'm confused. I know that some guys when they did/do something wrong, they come with flowers, tears, kneeling and ask for forgiveness and chances. Why mind is totally opposite? He showed that she was sorry but it's better for to leave than to stay?

[amaysngrace]

When he says this, maybe he is trying to avoid the real issue (your troubled marriage) and bring the focus back to himself. "Feel sorry for me".

 

You can tell that you have excuses for his behavior, like his background, and it's probably obvious to him as well that he can win sympathy with you. So if you are angry, he turns it around so he doesn't have to deal with your emotions. Instead, he ignores the problem you guys are having by centering the focus around himself.

 

Neither issue will resolve itself. He can't get better unless he wants to, and your marriage won't resolve itself either, especially if there is no attention being directed at it. I know you'd like to address the marriage, but as long as he behaves this way by avoiding it, it isn't going to work.

[Inconfusedstate]

When he says this, maybe he is trying to avoid the real issue (your troubled marriage) and bring the focus back to himself. "Feel sorry for me".

 

You can tell that you have excuses for his behavior, like his background, and it's probably obvious to him as well that he can win sympathy with you. So if you are angry, he turns it around so he doesn't have to deal with your emotions. Instead, he ignores the problem you guys are having by centering the focus around himself.

 

Neither issue will resolve itself. He can't get better unless he wants to, and your marriage won't resolve itself either, especially if there is no attention being directed at it. I know you'd like to address the marriage, but as long as he behaves this way by avoiding it, it isn't going to work.

 

 

I see your point there, but would it be possible to choose acohol over the wife and marriage? The reason I'm asking that question is because he did something bad (slept with someone while partying with friends because too drunk.) I told him we will work this thing out BUT no more acohol, PERIOD! If you are going to drink again, I said, you expect me to leave you. I made it clear and he agreed. He said that he wants this marriage and will change for me among other things. So, I could tell he tried, but last I caught him drinking again when I was at work. He tried to hide it but that is impossible, because I know when he is/isn't drinking even over that phone. It's impossible to hide things from me. Then again, you get the idea, the same old things, "I don't deserve you; I want you to leave me; I am an ******* and a loser, and blah...blah..."

 

I love him with my heart, but I am still asking myself if this is the final straw of my marriage. I don't want to feel regret for leaving it that is why I put up with him so much already. I'm not trying to look for the easy way out when dealing with my heart. Could possibly that his behaviors will continue to exist forever/ should I leave for good?

[amaysngrace]

Could possibly that his behaviors will continue to exist forever/ should I leave for good?

 

 

It will most likely exist, because it works for him.

 

Why does he need to change if all is rosy? He drinks behind your back, he uses it as an excuse to cheat on you, and yet he still has you by his side.

 

If I were him, I'd have no motivation to change.

 

The question really should not be about him, but about you. Are you willing to live your life this way? Is this good for you? Are you content with life and the circumstances and people you have placed as important? Is it a quality situation for you?

 

If not, you may need to change your thinking in order to be okay with it. It's your life, make sure it's agreeing with you.