tinktronik Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Why do people who have been broken up with usually insist or come to the conclusion that their ex did not deserve them or was in some way flawed or bad or has given up something and is missing out . I often see the dumpee who comes to the conclusion that they were being used , or that the ex is a horrible person or some such thing. Why can't people break their intimate connection with the conclusion that they just did not work or maybe your not what that person wanted forever .This makes so much sense to me .But I don't know why people can't handle maturly that others may not want to be with them forever for whatever reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 My guess is that it helps you get over your exes faster. The thought of Mr.Right not wanting to be with us anymore because he has fallen out of love can be unbearable. If mr. Ass**** dumps us after using us, he is doing us a favor. Sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. Pride also comes into play. Anyway, many people who at first insist "it's their loss" will start being objective again towards their exes once they get over it. I think the situation can be compared to when people get rejected, and decide that, once again, "it's their loss". I'm often guilty of that. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 It's a coping mechanism. In order for the dumpee to let go and NOT want to be in the relationship, they need a reason. This is why you'll often see the dumpee first putting the person onto a pedestal, saying he was the one, etc, to he's a jerk and i can do better. It's just the mind's way of moving on. Eventually the person let's go and is able to come to the mature realization that some things just are not meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Why can't people break their intimate connection with the conclusion that they just did not work or maybe your not what that person wanted forever . I don't know because I have always been the dumper, not the dumpee. But, possibly it's for pride. Because to be dumped makes a person have a wounded ego. I think reassuring themselves that it's 'their loss' is a way for that person to pull themselves out of the hole. I think eventually most come around to see that it just wasn't meant to be. But initially, I think it's for self-preservation. I know a guy who is still not seeing it was her loss. And the more I get to know him, the more I can understand why it wasn't 'her loss'. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 It's a coping mechanism. In order for the dumpee to let go and NOT want to be in the relationship, they need a reason. Agreed. It's natural that a person would be in emotional crisis when a relationship is ended. "He/she didn't deserve me" can be a useful mantra for someone to get through the worst bits until a more real, substantial form of confidence returns. Plus sometimes it's true! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 I think it is in part a rationalization and can be true. But for it to be true, a person needs to undergo a thorough self-examination and be sure they actually are a good deal. I always liked Dr. Phil's 'how much fun are you to be with' question. I think it's very important to try to examine your relationship objectively - as in ask yourself if you had been your partner dealing with you as you are, would you enjoy the relationship or not. It can be a very enlightening exercise and can inform your future actions. I'm not a jealous person, but on occasion I've had bouts of mistrusting people. Fortunately, I managed to keep my trap shut about it but I lost even the tendency to feel mistrust when I realized how unhappy I am if I am acting in an honourable manner and am mistrusted, myself. I totally understand that people who have been hurt or betrayed are gunshy but after a while if you've been nothing but decent and trustworthy to them, they should trust you. And vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinktronik Posted August 20, 2006 Author Share Posted August 20, 2006 All of these replies make sense . My wonder I guess is more "why do people need to believe they are everything in order to maintain their self-esteem ." Isn't it more of a growing stretching of the esteem process to be able to know that you can't be what everyone wants , thus it long term is better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Isn't it more of a growing stretching of the esteem process to be able to know that you can't be what everyone wants , thus it long term is better for you. Yep. Because if you think you can be perfect, you set yourself up to fail. Whereas if you just accept you are human just like anybody else, the acceptance of yourself brings confidence. Just like when you don't see your own contribution to a bad relationship, and push all blame on the other person. It may work for a while to help you feel better in the short term, but without seeing it clearly the pattern will come into the next relationship as well. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 Human nature. Hang on, that's not really an answer, is it. Ohmygosh... I'm not really qualified to offer my opinion on this thread. I feel so useless, and powerless to do anything about it. Wait! I've got it. You all suck, and you're just not asking the right questions. I feel better now. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 "Their loss" is a funny statement given that they don't want to be with you. But I can say my ex did me a favor for dumping me... which doesn't mean he didn't do himself a favor as well! When my ex-husbnad and I split, he said: "I was at fault maybe 80% but it was at least 20% your fault!" Ya know, I would hate to hear that I was 100% an angel while someone treated me like sh&t! Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 I think you have to know each specific breakup before you can state what you are saying here. If you date someone and they just disappear then yes the person is an a-hole and the dumpee did deserve better. If one person gave much more to the relationship while the other just took, then again yes one person is more of an a-hole. If someone cheated constantly, then yes again they are an a-hole. If one person implied feelings that were not legit, in order to manipulate the other party then again - A-hole. I think you might see the point here now. Every relationship ends for a certain reason. That reason may appear different to each party in the relationship, but none the less, some people are a-holes and some people do deserve better. If you weren't the a-hole of the relationship then why not move on with confidence? If you were the a-hole in the relationship, maybe reflect back on why everyone seems to not want to be near you anylonger. If you have a guilt inside you, there is reason for it and you should look in to it to make yourself better so that you too could move on with confidence. I think people confuse a renewed sense of confidence with the *immaturity of pride* or the *holier than now* attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted August 20, 2006 Share Posted August 20, 2006 I think everyone tends to focus more on the bad parts of the relationship or other person, at the end of everything. I mean, otherwise you might just linger on in the relationship ad nauseum. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 I think you have to know each specific breakup before you can state what you are saying here. If you date someone and they just disappear then yes the person is an a-hole and the dumpee did deserve better. I think you have to know WHY the person disappeared before you call them an A-hole. Like if B-hole chased A-hole with a knife all over the place then B-hole is an A-hole. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Why do people who have been broken up with usually insist or come to the conclusion that their ex did not deserve them or was in some way flawed or bad or has given up something and is missing out . Because they are pissed off and their ego is bruised. There's a world of difference between the dumpee and the dumper. Try to be the dumper as much as possible, its much more painless. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 We're all so damn wonderful how could anybody not want to be with us???? Well. It's there loss... I think alot of it comes about when the closure was not known and people are doing their best to be positive and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 We're all so damn wonderful how could anybody not want to be with us???? When a man leave a woman she usually cannot believe it. She is so great, every boy wants her. Why would he leave? Its beyond her comprehension. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 We're all so damn wonderful how could anybody not want to be with us???? Well. It's there loss... Right. When someone dumps you, you feel like they thought you were no good so they left you. So you have to convince yourself that it's the dumper who is bad and they lost something good. The thing is, it has nothing to do with good or bad and loss or victory. When my ex-husband dumped me, I thought it was MY loss, not his. And god was I wrong! I didn't lose anything valuable. But he lost his sons when he decided to leave them. He told me "I didn't leave them, I left YOU." he was seeing them pretty often, but then we moved to the US. Now all he gets is phone conversations twice a week. So isn't it his loss? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 Why do people who have been broken up with usually insist or come to the conclusion that their ex did not deserve them or was in some way flawed or bad or has given up something and is missing out . I often see the dumpee who comes to the conclusion that they were being used , or that the ex is a horrible person or some such thing. Why can't people break their intimate connection with the conclusion that they just did not work or maybe your not what that person wanted forever .This makes so much sense to me .But I don't know why people can't handle maturly that others may not want to be with them forever for whatever reason. I'm with ya all the way on this Tink. I've often posted as such. I always say just because that person wasn't the right person for you- or they cheated on you- or whatever- it doesn't mean that they will be that way with everyone. It just wasn't right. I firmly believe in destiny and that everything that happens in life happens for a reason. Sometimes those reasons are apparent to us and sometimes they are not. Link to post Share on other sites
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