Baffled!!

[swirly27]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've posted on here before, a couple years ago and it seems I am back again, clueless as ever. I just have to say that if this is a little long, I apologize and I also know though that I can get the most objective points of view here.

 

Ok, so last year I met a guy at a party, a friend of a friend. Whats funny is that it was one of those nights where I didn't even feel like going out, but I did and then met this guy. He asked about me but nothing ever really came of it. He asked my good friend about me a couple other times but she said she didn't think it'd be good to hang with him cause he had gone thru a messy breakup some months back and she didn't want to see me get hurt. BUT....she said it was a shame cause he was such a great guy and she has been friends with him for a long time.

 

So, this past summer, we run into him, well she did, and he asked about me again. I didn't see him that night but I saw him the next and long story short, he asked when I'd be out again and he came out the next weekend for my bday. We had been dating ever since and that was about a month and a half ago. I haven't liked a guy in a long time, so I was excited about this and he seemed to be too. I was scared that I liked him cause I was hurt very badly 2 yrs ago. We hung out every weekend and talked all the time. One thing I learned from the VERY BEGINNING was that he could be flaky with phone calls, but I tried not to read too much into it cause I know other friends of his and they say he is like that with everyone and I knew I needed not to read so much into every little thing (but I am quite analytical and that can get the best of me). I was blindsighted two years ago and this time I told myself I wouldn't let that happen again. So sometimes, I would ask what happened to him calling like he said he would. Not sure if that seemed to needy or not, but a couple times it bothered me and it seemed like no big deal.

 

So, 2 weeks ago we were going to hang out on a saturday and no definite times were stated but he told me he'd call me in a couple hours. I sat around for over 4 hrs and I had to call him to see what was up. He apologized because things ran later but I was hurt cause I sat around all night waiting for him - I should have just gone out I know. Thats the really only time we had some pissy-ness between us, well I did. lol So we talked fine the next few days and I invited him to a pigroast. He said he'd love to go.......that was a tues and come that sunday I still had never heard from him!!! I was so upset, I had no clue what was up. It got the best of me and I texted him and he said he'd call me but I wasn't waiting. Obviously this wasn't working out for him and I don't deserve to just be blown off like that - so I called and we talked and he was great on the phone but he said he didn't want to go to the pigroast and felt bad saying that so he just let it go. WTF! I tried to have a great positive talk about how maybe this just isn't working for us and maybe he's not that into this and he can just tell me that....he was like NO NO thats not it at all. He said we could get together the next night and he'd call after work.....well he didn't call till 9pm!!! So, I'm annoyed again cause we are only just dating, but come on. So I have some stuff to get off my chest and he says he'll get a shower and be over....well he never showed. So, I texted him and ended it - said sorry things didn't work out with us and to take care. I never heard anything back and this was 2 mondays ago.

 

Soooo....I know how this must sound to everyone else, but oh my goodness, the clicking we had going on, on all levels. I met his friends, he met mine, I even met his parents. So, was it me, was I too needy and he didn't want to be the bad guy and end things? But when I tried to, he said no. The other thing grabbing me is his friends, guys and girls, are completely baffled. They say he talked about me so much and they say this is not the guy they know. Maybe this wasn't a big deal to him since we're only dating but you just don't blow someone off like that - but when we'd talk, I don't know. I feel like I want to say if you guys only knew him, but I know that sounds bogus. My mind cannot focus on anything else right now cause I thought I'd at least get some type of response - there are some other things going on with him I think, but I can't be sure, but I still just feel like worthless because how can you not say SOMETHING - especially when I am a good friend of his friends. My one friend wants to beat him right now for being like this. She knew it might not have worked out with us, but she thought he'd be respectful enough to communicate with me if that happened. I just feel stupid and if I was too needy, then I feel like I messed it up - but I hate games. If I like someone and they like me, then I want to act that way.

 

Ok, again sorry so long. I tend to do that. LOL I'm just tired of getting hurt, so maybe it is something I am doing wrong. I thought this was different though.

[Agent M]

Sounds similar to the guy I broke up with 2 mos. ago. Recently, I got a chance to ask him why he acted exactly as you described your guy. Seems it wasn't really anything I did wrong. He said he never fully processed through his last relationship before me, and even now, without me, he has tried dating and can't get interested in anyone. Also, my ex was very passive aggressive. Didn't want to hurt me, but wouldn't tell me the straightforward facts about why he was blowing me off. He also has some weird ideas about time....it's not linear for him, he just does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I still like my guy too, but maybe it's because I'm just remembering the good times....

[swirly27]

Thanks for responding Agent. Sorry the same thing happened to you. Breakups are hard enough, but when you don't even know what happened, its 10 times worse. I know I should feel like if he's not even man enough to explain anything to me, then screw him, but those actions don't mesh with the guy I got to know.....and the friends of his that have known him almost his whole life. Did you also break things off with your guy because you knew you weren't being treated fairly? Thats the other hard part, I ended it and think I did the right thing, but I miss him alot so its still hard.

 

Everyone keeps telling me its not me, its him. He sought me out and maybe he just wasn't ready for a relationship, but he had no balls to say anything. Non-confrontational I understand, but don't they feel bad when they completely ignore things?? The last him and I talked, he said he was showering and coming over....how do you do that and feel better saying something like that then just saying 'I can't do this'. Its so baffling.

 

Sometimes being scared or spooked is just an excuse and sometimes its the real deal. My self confidence is just at a low right now because I feel like I wasn't even worth an explanation or a response, nothing. UGH.

[Agent M]

Thanks for responding Agent. Sorry the same thing happened to you. Breakups are hard enough, but when you don't even know what happened, its 10 times worse. I know I should feel like if he's not even man enough to explain anything to me, then screw him, but those actions don't mesh with the guy I got to know.....and the friends of his that have known him almost his whole life. Did you also break things off with your guy because you knew you weren't being treated fairly? Thats the other hard part, I ended it and think I did the right thing, but I miss him alot so its still hard.

 

Everyone keeps telling me its not me, its him. He sought me out and maybe he just wasn't ready for a relationship, but he had no balls to say anything. Non-confrontational I understand, but don't they feel bad when they completely ignore things?? The last him and I talked, he said he was showering and coming over....how do you do that and feel better saying something like that then just saying 'I can't do this'. Its so baffling.

 

Sometimes being scared or spooked is just an excuse and sometimes its the real deal. My self confidence is just at a low right now because I feel like I wasn't even worth an explanation or a response, nothing. UGH.

 

 

Yes, I broke up with him because he was not treating me fairly. I didn't want to do it either, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I missed him in many ways (and not in other ways!!) for 2 months until I couldn't stand it and reinitiated contact.

 

He also blew me off without explanation. Finally he told me he felt "pressured", which puzzled me because I thought I was giving him lots of space. Clearly there are space issues that I cannot really understand, only that he loves his freedom. My guy also had a somewhat traumatic childhood and although he is 38, he acts like he's in his 20's and his whole life and all his thoughts, beliefs, and actions are in place as a means of protecting himself and guarding his heart. He's got issues. His parents demanded a lot out of him and that explains his unwiilingness to commit, then the ex g/f cheated on him and there were other issues surrounding her dishonesty. He takes a long time to process through things (unlike me, I am processing all day every day) hence a long recovery time. Perhaps your ex shares some of these issues. One thing I noticed too is that guys often take out there angst through activities (like sports, etc.) so I think it takes longer for them to heal because they are not actively processing.

 

No, he doesn't really feel bad about blowing me off because he feels he did the right thing for himself. He feels he'd rather show me through his actions than tell me because he's afraid of how I'll react. To me that is very cowardly but also makes me feel bad because I hope I wasn't menacing.

[swirly27]

Wow, so you did the right thing, as did I, but you re-initiated contact? That must have been hard. Well, the only other thing I did do was I did break this past thurs and I called him......I should have known I would, but its just that we never fought and I ended it with a text message, which is not how I would have planned that out and I have a hard time with endings....especially when they are so sudden and not communicated....so I called this past thurs. and he didn't answer - so I left him a voicemail just stating that I felt really weird about the way things ended with us and thats not how I would have intended it and I just wanted to check in so maybe I'd talk to him later. He never called back but he has yet to mention to his friends that we have stopped dating!! How weird is that?? They saw him friday night and they asked how him and I were and he said good and that I called him to see how he was doing. BAFFLED SOME MORE!!

 

How can a guy seriously think it is better to blow someone off and show something like that thru that action than to just say it in words.....its a lack of respect and honesty and its the cowardly way out. I just have never been thru something like this and his friends say he is not that guy that would just run away from things. Its just so hard to process as I think about this almost all day every day and its killing me, I don't want to think about it anymore. I keep blaming myself, thinking I did something wrong, and I miss him so much on top of it. I feel like there is something wrong with me since we only dated a short time, but I really liked him and got excited about this.

[Agent M]

Well, i don't blame you for calling him. I would have felt bad too if I'd ended it with a text mess. and still had some feelings for him. I reinitiated contact because the last thing I did was totally tell him off....but then I kept seeing him around and "hating" him really got to me. Your ex may have not told his friends yet because he is embarrassed of what people will think. Sometimes self conscious people act this way. This is how my ex was. he worries what others will think. Or maybe part of him thinks things are OK now, since you left him a mess., or he just doesn't want to explain things to his friends. He may have a guilty conscience. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.

 

I also thought I did something wrong, but when I asked him (should I have done this? should I not have done that?) he said no all that was fine, it was only that he felt like he couldn't be his true self with me (because he was hiding things from me that he knew I wouldn't approve of) and that i reminded him of his parents....who he is trying to escape. But there was nothing in particular i did wrong short of just being myself. But keep in mind this was a longer relationship than yours....but still only 9 mos. It's strange that everyone says your ex is not usually like this. Sounds like you need to have a one on one heart to heart with him.

 

Blowing people off is immature and cowardly, esp. if you're in a relationship with them. My ex does not understand how disrespectful his behavior is, and he also grew up with parents and family members who are unreliable and disrespectful. Hence he has learned to be avoidant and escape motivated, with problems with fear of failure.

 

I totally understand the siege your brain is under....I've been through the same thing for months now and it's nuts. The only thing that made it a little better was talking to him.....I feel somewhat relieved although still disturbed. I'm also trying to take care of myself. This includes a change of attitude. Being neutral about who he is, knowing I can't decide what's right or wrong for anyone else, learning to accept his behavior (because it's right for him), to stop looking at him judgmentally. I also know that when my mind engages in all this thinking, it's just my mind and not my true self. It's a waste of energy, fantasy thinking, and I strive to let go and trust.

[swirly27]

Ugh, I am my worst own enemy when it comes to this stuff....I do feel bad that I ended it with a text message, but at the time I felt almost like I had no choice. 3 times in a row, he said he'd do something, call or show up, and he never did it, so I didn't know what else to do. The night I ended it with him, the last thing he said was he'd shower and be over....never showed......but before he said that, he was saying how he wished I lived closer to him so I could come over and strangle him whenever I wanted!! We only live 20 minutes away, but still, I live in a smaller town, so 20 minutes is like 2 towns away. HAHA Why would he talk like this and then purposely not even come over.

 

I wish I could have a heart to heart with him......its almost like he truly got scared, but I don't know if thats just me with wishful hopes talking here. I romanticize everything and its been 2 weeks today since I ended it and I am just as lost as I was the day after, if not more. He's gotta figure his friends would have heard about us no longer dating, but I guess he is just avoiding it.

 

I do know he has some family troubles....he really does not get along with his mom at all, for good reasons it seems but he had opened up to me about that stuff so I am so confused why all of a sudden he just pulled away. In that last weekend, he answered my calls and seemed like he wanted me to be fine with the blowoffs, but I couldn't be, so I know I did the right thing....I am just very lonely now cause I haven't liked someone like this in almost 2 yrs and I think I got so caught up in the excitement. All of his friends said it was the perfect match and he kept joking that he wished we would have gotten together last year when we first met. So many people said how I really got myself a great great guy......and then to just be completely brushed aside with no words....yes, I ended it but he basically created that happening, even though he said it wasn't what he wanted. Does he think he's a great guy for this.

 

Agent, thank you so much for chatting with me about this. I have had my share of broken hearts and breaking them and I think its also partly cause as I get older, meeting people I click with means more to me....I would like to find that special someone, not just to be with someone, but to be with someone special.....and we clicked and connected and maybe I just got too excited in it. But it hurts and I wish I could stop thinking about it.

 

You mentioned that your guy has dated others since you broke up with him and its not working out....did he feel connected to you and thats what scared him or he couldn't get close to you either? Ugh, dating is so complicated.

[Agent M]

Ugh, I am my worst own enemy when it comes to this stuff....I do feel bad that I ended it with a text message, but at the time I felt almost like I had no choice. 3 times in a row, he said he'd do something, call or show up, and he never did it, so I didn't know what else to do. The night I ended it with him, the last thing he said was he'd shower and be over....never showed......but before he said that, he was saying how he wished I lived closer to him so I could come over and strangle him whenever I wanted!! We only live 20 minutes away, but still, I live in a smaller town, so 20 minutes is like 2 towns away. HAHA Why would he talk like this and then purposely not even come over.

 

I wish I could have a heart to heart with him......its almost like he truly got scared, but I don't know if thats just me with wishful hopes talking here. I romanticize everything and its been 2 weeks today since I ended it and I am just as lost as I was the day after, if not more. He's gotta figure his friends would have heard about us no longer dating, but I guess he is just avoiding it.

 

I do know he has some family troubles....he really does not get along with his mom at all, for good reasons it seems but he had opened up to me about that stuff so I am so confused why all of a sudden he just pulled away. In that last weekend, he answered my calls and seemed like he wanted me to be fine with the blowoffs, but I couldn't be, so I know I did the right thing....I am just very lonely now cause I haven't liked someone like this in almost 2 yrs and I think I got so caught up in the excitement. All of his friends said it was the perfect match and he kept joking that he wished we would have gotten together last year when we first met. So many people said how I really got myself a great great guy......and then to just be completely brushed aside with no words....yes, I ended it but he basically created that happening, even though he said it wasn't what he wanted. Does he think he's a great guy for this.

 

Agent, thank you so much for chatting with me about this. I have had my share of broken hearts and breaking them and I think its also partly cause as I get older, meeting people I click with means more to me....I would like to find that special someone, not just to be with someone, but to be with someone special.....and we clicked and connected and maybe I just got too excited in it. But it hurts and I wish I could stop thinking about it.

 

You mentioned that your guy has dated others since you broke up with him and its not working out....did he feel connected to you and thats what scared him or he couldn't get close to you either? Ugh, dating is so complicated.

 

yes, I feel like I ended it in a bad way too but like you i felt like I'd been abused and had no choice. i felt he "deserved" to get told off. He may have, but two wrongs don't necessarily create a right. Like you, I'm not that kind of person and you may want to gently ask him some questions to help him open up about everything. It may be that he is genuinely scared, for one reason or other. Maybe he feels you are awesome and that scares him. Maybe he feels you are not really the one and that scares him. Maybe you remind him of things he is scared of (emotionally). Have you ever run from someone because you were afraid you would fall for them? I have. There could be many reasons for what happened. That's why it is best to talk with and try to remove the barriers. My ex tells me he is afraid of me, there is a fear. My ex also sent me LOTS of mixed messages, but I learned that is because he's mixed up. The pieces of him are scattered all over the place. Your ex may have different reasons.

 

He may be confuse about who he is and what he wants. Perhaps some of him mom issues enter into this. i also suffered through the blowoffs with no apologies or explanations, even when I asked. All he could say was he felt pressured, but had declined to ever tell me that before until it was too late. He feels no apologies are necessary.

 

i know what's its like living in a small town and not meeting lots of guys. It makes it a lot harder to get over the one you got so attached to.

 

I don't think he could get close to me because he hasn't processed through his past relationship and also because he has a fear of me. I have a fear of him too, always have, but I'm one who likes a challenge and also likes to get down to the bottom of what is scaring me and work on it if its valuable to. At first he was the perfect boyfriend though, and that's the scary part because he was working to ensure my affection....then he showed his real side. Be glad your guy is showing you this right up front. Can you talk to him??

[swirly27]

yes, I feel like I ended it in a bad way too but like you i felt like I'd been abused and had no choice. i felt he "deserved" to get told off. He may have, but two wrongs don't necessarily create a right. Like you, I'm not that kind of person and you may want to gently ask him some questions to help him open up about everything. It may be that he is genuinely scared, for one reason or other. Maybe he feels you are awesome and that scares him. Maybe he feels you are not really the one and that scares him. Maybe you remind him of things he is scared of (emotionally). Have you ever run from someone because you were afraid you would fall for them? I have. There could be many reasons for what happened. That's why it is best to talk with and try to remove the barriers. My ex tells me he is afraid of me, there is a fear. My ex also sent me LOTS of mixed messages, but I learned that is because he's mixed up. The pieces of him are scattered all over the place. Your ex may have different reasons.

 

He may be confuse about who he is and what he wants. Perhaps some of him mom issues enter into this. i also suffered through the blowoffs with no apologies or explanations, even when I asked. All he could say was he felt pressured, but had declined to ever tell me that before until it was too late. He feels no apologies are necessary.

 

i know what's its like living in a small town and not meeting lots of guys. It makes it a lot harder to get over the one you got so attached to.

 

I don't think he could get close to me because he hasn't processed through his past relationship and also because he has a fear of me. I have a fear of him too, always have, but I'm one who likes a challenge and also likes to get down to the bottom of what is scaring me and work on it if its valuable to. At first he was the perfect boyfriend though, and that's the scary part because he was working to ensure my affection....then he showed his real side. Be glad your guy is showing you this right up front. Can you talk to him??

 

I wish he would talk to me, but he didn't answer my phone call and I left a very nice message but until he is ready to talk to me, if ever, that is really all I can do.

 

When I brought up why he blew off the pigroast he said he'd love to go to, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to go and he didn't want to say that and hurt my feelings....but he didn't even send a text or anything, just ignored it. UGH I had to contact him for what happened and thats when I positively gave him an opportunity for an out - I was upbeat and no bitching at all and said maybe this just isn't working for him and he can just tell me that - and he said NO NO NO. WHY???? Then to tell me he'd call me the next day after work so I could go to his house and we could clear this up....obviously a ploy to just change the subject cause the next day he didn't call till 9pm - but the icing was him saying I'll be right over and I wait on my deck for 2 hrs hoping and I was devestated. I deserve something, even if I ended it with a text message, I deserve 'something'. But I can't make him give it to me.

 

I myself have never run from someone because I knew I could fall for them. I normally don't connect or click with alot of men - maybe because my defense mechanism won't allow me with most guys - so when I do, I usually go into it open and willing and giving. Some guy some day will benefit from this, but it just hurts so much because I really thought this could be something so special. The only good thing I feel about all this is at least he knows I won't put up the way he was.......I wasn't a doormat.

 

But here is another question.....when is NC NOT the right thing to do - if someone is playing and toying with you, then by all means, NC is the right way to go - but if this guy is scared or spooked or soooo non-confrontational that he can't handle this (even though I think thats cowardly crap) then do I fight for this to show him I had genuine feelings for him? But what if I am wrong and it is me and he just couldn't say that? I have a hard time with that but thats cause I am the one involved, but we had a great 6 weeks together, so could his mind have changed so quickly? I hate this, lol. Am I just grasping here?

[Agent M]

I wish he would talk to me, but he didn't answer my phone call and I left a very nice message but until he is ready to talk to me, if ever, that is really all I can do.

 

When I brought up why he blew off the pigroast he said he'd love to go to, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to go and he didn't want to say that and hurt my feelings....but he didn't even send a text or anything, just ignored it. UGH I had to contact him for what happened and thats when I positively gave him an opportunity for an out - I was upbeat and no bitching at all and said maybe this just isn't working for him and he can just tell me that - and he said NO NO NO. WHY???? Then to tell me he'd call me the next day after work so I could go to his house and we could clear this up....obviously a ploy to just change the subject cause the next day he didn't call till 9pm - but the icing was him saying I'll be right over and I wait on my deck for 2 hrs hoping and I was devestated. I deserve something, even if I ended it with a text message, I deserve 'something'. But I can't make him give it to me.

 

I myself have never run from someone because I knew I could fall for them. I normally don't connect or click with alot of men - maybe because my defense mechanism won't allow me with most guys - so when I do, I usually go into it open and willing and giving. Some guy some day will benefit from this, but it just hurts so much because I really thought this could be something so special. The only good thing I feel about all this is at least he knows I won't put up the way he was.......I wasn't a doormat.

 

But here is another question.....when is NC NOT the right thing to do - if someone is playing and toying with you, then by all means, NC is the right way to go - but if this guy is scared or spooked or soooo non-confrontational that he can't handle this (even though I think thats cowardly crap) then do I fight for this to show him I had genuine feelings for him? But what if I am wrong and it is me and he just couldn't say that? I have a hard time with that but thats cause I am the one involved, but we had a great 6 weeks together, so could his mind have changed so quickly? I hate this, lol. Am I just grasping here?

 

Yes my ex blew me off too because he was afraid of hurting my feelings, but he was also afraid of not being able to live up to my expectations. Perhaps this is part of what's going on with your guy? He may want to be with you but just can't be reliable right now. I don'tthink leaving you waiting is treating you with human decency, but I've learned its not helpful to get mad about it (you don't sound mad, I got mad).

 

Interestingly, I thought by telling off my ex and showing him by leaving that he "can't do this" to me didn't change a thing. When I reinitiated contact, I could tell by our conversation that he would do the same thing again. He wants to be who he wants to be. So maybe don't trust that it wouldn't happen again, it could.

 

I survived NC for 2 months but the pain got worse instead of better. So for me, the best policy was to tell him, DESPITE WHAT I THOUGHT HE MIGHT THINK ABOUT ME, exactly how I felt. I let go of the hope of him expressing the same feelings for me. I let go of the games. I felt compelled to just tell him how I felt....there is still a lot unsaid, but I said a lot too. And I didn't call because I was afraid he might not want to talk, so I just stopped by his house after he got home from work. I was cool and funny, then opened up the conversation by asking him some easy questions. I even buried my head in his shoulder and told him I missed him. Who cares??? At this point I had nothing to lose....

[Agent M]

Oh...i forgot to say how much BETTER I feel now!

[swirly27]

You know, I thought in my past relationship that crushed me, 2 years ago, about stopping by the guy's house, but I didn't. I didn't have the balls with that guy, but I have done that in the past, but that was also a much more intensive relationship, and by that I only mean time........I feel dumb enough that I got emotionally attached after a month and a half - but time is not always an index of anything. I believe that I am pulling from my past hurts, the consistency of being hurt and the rejection feeling all over again.

 

When you ended things with your guy, did you try contacting him after telling him off? See, I did call last thurs so if he really wanted to talk to me, he could call me back or even IM me, he has my screen name. I doubt if he'll call back or IM me with a much deserved explanation, the last thing he'd want is me at his house....and franky, right now I don't think he deserves it.

 

Yes, I believe if there is ever a chance of us working things out and this NOT happening again, that it will be because his head has cleared up a bit and he comes to realizations on his own. And believe me.....I am mad about the decency he DIDN"T give me, but I am way too sensitive for my own good, so I am more hurt than mad. Thats just me though.

 

The only way I know I'll hear something eventually is my one best friend, who vouged for him and who he went to to ask about me, she has yet to run into him....and when she does, she plans on talking to him about this....but that doesn't mean anything will change, it just means I might hear something....but it still should words said to me, not to me from her from him. I just really miss him.

[Agent M]

No, I did not try to contact him and I did not feel he deserved it. I did wish he would contact me though, but of course he didn't because I'm sure he thought I would still be angry. He was asking around about me a little though.

 

Don't stop by or do anything you think you shouldn't. I just got to the place where neither of us were calling and I was suffering with anger and bad feelings. I also missed him. I was trying to be like "he doesn't deserve my friendship! etc. etc. but it didn't work because I guess on some level, sick or not, I still cared or was hurt and needed to process with him.

 

Sounds like it's best to wait a little while for you. I just made some new friends and tried my hardest to stay busy for 2 mos., that's how I dealt. It was awful for the 1st mo., I didn't sleep. But it got better, before it got worse. See how it goes and do what you feel in your heart.

[swirly27]

I hear what you're saying Agent, but what is hard right now is I don't know whats best for me. One part of me thinks I DID NOT deserve to be blown off, by any means, and I still feel that way. He blew off a function he said he'd go to, a text asking about that function, didn't call after he blew it off, blew off us getting together that monday and then said he'd come over and never showed. YET.....a part of me (probably the hopeful, romantic part) is wondering if maybe he didn't know how much I liked him. Maybe he thought it was easy for me to end things with him and maybe he feels he got scared over a girl that wasn't into it. I know that probably sounds like complete BS cause when I was with him and talking to him, I was always into him and am pretty sure (99%) that he knew it and thats what scared him. But what if.......I hate the what ifs. I made the contacts, I was the hurt one....and I made a phone call last week. I didn't sound sappy and ask what happened when I left a vm....I just said that I wasn't comfortable with the way things ended and didn't want it to be that way and that I hoped we'd get to chat. I was very light and positive sounding....maybe he thinks I don't really care. Thats dumb huh? He knows......I guess I just keep romanticizing.

 

The other thing is I keep seeing his screen name logging in and while we were dating, I hardly EVER saw him online, so I keep wondering if this is him....although the computer could be used by anyone in the family and his IM automatically logs in so it could be nothing. I know my mind is clinging to any hope right now....and THAT SUCKS! I just wish he would grow some balls and say something to me. I wish a friend of his would smack some sense into him....wishes are hopeless though.

[Agent M]

No, I don't think you deserved to be blown off, and even if someone deserved it it's still pretty low. But, some people are passive aggressive and that is how they handle problems. The problem is that once they've blown you off, they'll probably do it again.

 

I would try not to worry about how you acted or sounded....seems like you were just being yourself. Remember, when I asked my ex what I did wrong, the answer was more about him than me.

 

You will have to decide whether you can accept this guy the way he is, or wait and see what happens. Waiting is very hard I know. I just talked to my ex last weekend and no phone call so I stopped by Fri., and now still no phone call. He told me to keep in touch (because he never makes decisions, just lets things happen, he's so hippie dippy new agey) but it sucks to wait. I'm not sure what I'll do. Probably wait another 4 days then call or something. Maybe email sooner. I don't know. Everyone says fill your life with activities, but my mind works in such a way that I can do many things and think of him at the same time. What you need to find is something to do that takes your mind completely off him...like volunteering somewhere or working with kids or teaching of some type. Or, finding something just as interesting and stimulating as he was...I know its hard in a small town.

[swirly27]

I know I was just being myself and I don't think I did anything wrong....now last week if you would had asked me that, then I might have sounded different. I kept thinking I overreacted or was too needy, but anyone would be upset being blown off by a guy they liked.

 

But from what I am hearing, at least from what his friends know, this passive-ness is not like him, at least not with girls...but maybe they don't really know huh. There was one other time where we had made tentative plans and they didn't pan out.....I brought it up jokingly cause they weren't ironclad and he felt really bad and was glad I brought it up....he seemed to have genuinely forgotten because it was the first weekend he had his bike up and running again....and that was fine, he felt bad and said he was glad I said something about it.

 

I just wish I knew if this blow-offness had to do with me....or his fear....or something in the middle....its gotta partly be me if he doesn't feel strongly enough to want me back or miss me......he did have a really bad relationship before but we all have and he told his friends I was the first girl he could see getting into something with since then......I just don't know what happened. I can't wait till I don't care as much and can be more angry or indifferent actually. I am not the same happy independent girl I normally am....I think about this all the time and am very very HURT and I take things WAY too personally. Hell, I even called a psychic..haha, sad huh. I talked to one before and ALOT of specific things she said came true....so I called another one. I am like you though Agent...I can be doing a million and one things and I will always still be thinking of him....makes me wish I had never met him. Ooh, maybe that is some angry-ness coming out now. lol

[Agent M]

I know I was just being myself and I don't think I did anything wrong....now last week if you would had asked me that, then I might have sounded different. I kept thinking I overreacted or was too needy, but anyone would be upset being blown off by a guy they liked.

 

But from what I am hearing, at least from what his friends know, this passive-ness is not like him, at least not with girls...but maybe they don't really know huh. There was one other time where we had made tentative plans and they didn't pan out.....I brought it up jokingly cause they weren't ironclad and he felt really bad and was glad I brought it up....he seemed to have genuinely forgotten because it was the first weekend he had his bike up and running again....and that was fine, he felt bad and said he was glad I said something about it.

 

I just wish I knew if this blow-offness had to do with me....or his fear....or something in the middle....its gotta partly be me if he doesn't feel strongly enough to want me back or miss me......he did have a really bad relationship before but we all have and he told his friends I was the first girl he could see getting into something with since then......I just don't know what happened. I can't wait till I don't care as much and can be more angry or indifferent actually. I am not the same happy independent girl I normally am....I think about this all the time and am very very HURT and I take things WAY too personally. Hell, I even called a psychic..haha, sad huh. I talked to one before and ALOT of specific things she said came true....so I called another one. I am like you though Agent...I can be doing a million and one things and I will always still be thinking of him....makes me wish I had never met him. Ooh, maybe that is some angry-ness coming out now. lol

 

Well, if he was glad you brought it up before, can't you bring it up now? Get some closure atleast, it may help to end the suffering sooner.

 

The problem is what to do while the pain is subsiding....get into something you really love, more than him. My ex has no problem finding things that interest him, even the most trivial things. It annoys me because I have a much harder time. I've been taking bellydance though, and I will say the better I get at it, the more self empowered I feel. That is one thing that takes my mind off him - I only thought of him once tonight in b-dance. I'm also going to try to tell myself to just let it go, over and over, until it sticks. I also have some books and things that help. Also telling myself that he is not good for me is another idea. Putting stock in my own life, valuing it above his, feeling like a diva, the fabulous people we are. The best way to get something back is to remove the barriers by focusing intensely on something else. By that time, you may not want him back. In fact, I'm talking myself out of calling my ex now b/c he is just a pain and he probably always will be a pain.

[swirly27]

I totally hear you on living for yourself and focusing on other things, but right now I don't know what that is. I talk it out to alot of people, including you now! :-) When my heart was crushed 2 yrs ago I threw myself into projects, after a couple months of sulking. I shopped for new furniture, that was well needed, started working out more, did things for me. But I always thought of that ex....but at least with that ex he told me he just wasn't that into it anymore....or at least enough because it was a LDR.....knowing he ended it hurt but at least he said the words...and talked with me about it.

 

I would love to have some closure but short of showing up at his house, I can't get it.....I did end it, but I still should have heard something back because I ended it based on his consistent actions that weekend. But, I stepped back after a little after a week and called him...he chose not to answer or not call me back, so I can't even get the closure. Its gotta be his choice right now because I feel if its not, I won't hear anything meaningful anyway. I just wish this was meaningful to him.

 

Basically all I do now is go to work and come home and try to do chores and talk to friends and I read alot. I used to read alot of self help books before and that helped a little....but I have a minor problem where I keep thinking I am just not woth it enough to any of the guys I get involved with....my mind knows thats not true....but somewhere inside I still feel it. If I was so great before that he asked about me for a year, what did I do....or NOT do that couldn't keep that interest for him. I know it sounds retarded, especially because I feel I am normally a very strong and independent woman....lots of friends, close family. But I long to find someone special to build my life with so when I feel something for someone, I have a hard time at letting it go and I blame myself. Not healthy huh.

 

I do have an appt. to talk to my therapist this week. I think everyone should have one, as talking about life can only be beneficial. I have seen her before a couple times and it helped....but I want to understand why I have this need to blame myself when this happens....I am a great girl with alot to offer and I should be more confident of that. I am been thru other breakups before in my life but in the last couple years, the 2 guys that I grew to care about that didn't work out, it has hit me HARD. I just hate being sad.

 

I guess the question we need to ask ourselves is could we live with a passive guy....in your situation Agent, if you know thats what he is, can you be happy with that? I couldn't, I want to make my guy feel important and will want the same from him....but I have no clue just yet what happened with this guy....it sounds like he put his all into his past relationship...and yes bad relationships can keep us from future ones, but we've all had bad relationships and if this wouldn't have worked out or he got scared, he still has a responsibility to treat me better than that. His behavior of all this and the behavior of the guy I got to know are so completely opposite.

[Agent M]

I totally hear you on living for yourself and focusing on other things, but right now I don't know what that is. I talk it out to alot of people, including you now! :-) When my heart was crushed 2 yrs ago I threw myself into projects, after a couple months of sulking. I shopped for new furniture, that was well needed, started working out more, did things for me. But I always thought of that ex....but at least with that ex he told me he just wasn't that into it anymore....or at least enough because it was a LDR.....knowing he ended it hurt but at least he said the words...and talked with me about it.

 

I would love to have some closure but short of showing up at his house, I can't get it.....I did end it, but I still should have heard something back because I ended it based on his consistent actions that weekend. But, I stepped back after a little after a week and called him...he chose not to answer or not call me back, so I can't even get the closure. Its gotta be his choice right now because I feel if its not, I won't hear anything meaningful anyway. I just wish this was meaningful to him.

 

Basically all I do now is go to work and come home and try to do chores and talk to friends and I read alot. I used to read alot of self help books before and that helped a little....but I have a minor problem where I keep thinking I am just not woth it enough to any of the guys I get involved with....my mind knows thats not true....but somewhere inside I still feel it. If I was so great before that he asked about me for a year, what did I do....or NOT do that couldn't keep that interest for him. I know it sounds retarded, especially because I feel I am normally a very strong and independent woman....lots of friends, close family. But I long to find someone special to build my life with so when I feel something for someone, I have a hard time at letting it go and I blame myself. Not healthy huh.

 

I do have an appt. to talk to my therapist this week. I think everyone should have one, as talking about life can only be beneficial. I have seen her before a couple times and it helped....but I want to understand why I have this need to blame myself when this happens....I am a great girl with alot to offer and I should be more confident of that. I am been thru other breakups before in my life but in the last couple years, the 2 guys that I grew to care about that didn't work out, it has hit me HARD. I just hate being sad.

 

I guess the question we need to ask ourselves is could we live with a passive guy....in your situation Agent, if you know thats what he is, can you be happy with that? I couldn't, I want to make my guy feel important and will want the same from him....but I have no clue just yet what happened with this guy....it sounds like he put his all into his past relationship...and yes bad relationships can keep us from future ones, but we've all had bad relationships and if this wouldn't have worked out or he got scared, he still has a responsibility to treat me better than that. His behavior of all this and the behavior of the guy I got to know are so completely opposite.

 

We often have tendencies to blame ourselves when things go wrong although many times it is not our faults. I have done things like make lists of the great things about me. Ask your therapist about cognitive-behavioral training. They do these sheets that totally change your mind and your twisted thought into a more realistic realization...its valuable. Talking to others can be great too, as long as they are supportive and not just complaining or questioning with you. Also, repeating things in your head, like affirmations, helps, and writing them on sticky notes and putting them on the fridge or b-room mirror where you'll read them a lot helps.

 

I'm not sure if I could live with a passive guy or not, but I agree, I'd rather not. Another good thing to do is to try to tame the feelings so they are not so strong. Try to let them wash over you, almost hitting you and bouncing off or flowing by like a river. Just watch them, but don't engage (kind of like people do when meditating).

[swirly27]

What sucks is I know I am great person, I do. No one is perfect and everyone has flaws but I feel so retarded that I am this upset over someone I dated for a mere month and a half. I feel like there is something wrong with me......sorry, today doesn't seem to be a good day. Every morning when I wake up I feel down but this morning was bad. Not sure why. 50% of this is me really missing him.....but I think the other 50% is the horrible rejection, thinking I may have caused this (when somewhere I know I didn't), feeling like I'll never meet anyone who thinks I am worth it and still to this day not hearing one word back from him.......I am not worth jack s*** to him and thats a horrible feeling cause it doesn't add up.

 

I am very much anticipating seeing the therapist on thurs but as far as who I vent to, my friends and family are great but some people I think may hurt the situation than help it. Some of the guys sit there totally bash him, which helps a little, but it doesn't explain anything. I even have an ex who totally wants me to hang out with him now to get my mind off this guy.....and I have no desire......wish I did to occupy my time. lol I think this is just hitting me really hard and I am depressed and I hate being depressed. I know I am a great girl....but so far, no guy has thought so enough to stick it out.....and this one didn't even think I was worth the words. I just want to feel better.

[Agent M]

I feel for you, I really do. I can identify with how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that you're fabulous. I don't feel like I'm worth much to my ex either, although I think at the very least I would be a great learning opportunity for him, and he's walking away from that. Maybe he doesn't need it, maybe he's afraid of it, maybe he's delaying it, maybe he's not looking at the facts, or maybe, even, he's fine. It's hard to know what other people are thinking and how their issues affect them....therefore it is just a mere guess to think you are at fault. Maybe there is a good explanation for his behavior. I have known my ex since high school and one thing I will say is that he has always wanted to take the easy way out. In my opinion he doesn't demonstrate very much strength, but who knows, maybe this IS being strong for him. So you see, it is hard to judge exactly what's going on and in the end, it won't matter. What matters is that you take care of yourself. Are there any dance classes in your town or nearby, anything you can do to make you feel like a diva again?

 

Most likely, you will meet someone who thinks you are worth it. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places for men, or choosing the wrong men, for subconscious reasons of your own. I know I have been, and that's gotta stop. You may not be able to figure out the reasons for all his behavior right now, you may in time. It may not even matter. Most likely, it wasn't you.

[swirly27]

I feel for you, I really do. I can identify with how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that you're fabulous. I don't feel like I'm worth much to my ex either, although I think at the very least I would be a great learning opportunity for him, and he's walking away from that. Maybe he doesn't need it, maybe he's afraid of it, maybe he's delaying it, maybe he's not looking at the facts, or maybe, even, he's fine. It's hard to know what other people are thinking and how their issues affect them....therefore it is just a mere guess to think you are at fault. Maybe there is a good explanation for his behavior. I have known my ex since high school and one thing I will say is that he has always wanted to take the easy way out. In my opinion he doesn't demonstrate very much strength, but who knows, maybe this IS being strong for him. So you see, it is hard to judge exactly what's going on and in the end, it won't matter. What matters is that you take care of yourself. Are there any dance classes in your town or nearby, anything you can do to make you feel like a diva again?

 

Most likely, you will meet someone who thinks you are worth it. Perhaps you are looking in the wrong places for men, or choosing the wrong men, for subconscious reasons of your own. I know I have been, and that's gotta stop. You may not be able to figure out the reasons for all his behavior right now, you may in time. It may not even matter. Most likely, it wasn't you.

 

 

I know, I hear other people thinking they are to blame and are not worth it and I knows that not it. Everyone is worth it. I know I have no idea what he is going thru and if I keep dwelling on that, I'll drive myself nuts....but its hard not to. Because in black and white, boy ignores girl repeatedly or blows her off and when she ends it, he says nothing. I can't imagine he ignored me all this time because he really is madly in love with me. HAHA I know its not that cut and dry, but either way, it doesn't matter enough to him to speak a word to me. THAT behavior does not add up with the man I spent 6 weeks with, so hence the title BAFFLED.

 

As far as me and guys, I think the reason I am so depressed is because partly that its happened again and I also know how things are going to be for me for a bit and that depresses me more. The last time I really clicked with a guy, I met him online on a dating site and it was sheer coincidence because I only joined with a single friend so she could share it with someone, I wasn't trying to find anyone....and I met him and he was the greatest guy in the world. First time ever that I thought I had met 'The One'. He completely blindsighted me and ended things and I was DEVESTATED....but I never once thought it was me.....I did a little bit, cause I obviously wasn't worth the distance, but I knew I didn't do anything wrong.

 

When I met this guy, I was nervous from the beginning and I think thats because I feared that since I liked him, something bad would happen like it did before, so maybe I wasn't even over the whole previous experience....but I still went into it open-hearted and taking the risk.....I have no clue what he did or is doing. I can't get closure and I need to be strong too. I don't want to have to track him down to get what I already deserve. He never had trouble talking to people before, so if he doesn't want to talk to me, I don't want to beg.

 

I know I should throw myself into something to keep me occupied but right now I don't know what, other than talking to people. I looked up dance classes before but nothing caught my eye. I do love to dance though and sometimes just dance in my apartment. LOL But when I am depressed, alot of times I just stay to myself or talk to people I feel completely comfortable around. I think that is what is making me sadder....knowing how I'll feel for awhile and not looking forward to it.

[Agent M]

Well, as they say, you choose how you feel. And I'm not saying that to downplay how you do feel because I have chosen also to feel miserable at times because I couldn't resist. But I tried like hell not to. I was hurt, like you. And, I didn't WANT to let go. Now I want to let go.

 

Maybe it would help if you project the whole relationship into the future. Imagine the reality of having half a relationship with this guy. Is that what you want? Sometimes he's there,sometimes he's not, something happens and he can't or won't respond to you, sometimes you feel love, sometimes you don't, he can't commit sometimes, sometimes he can, etc. The whole relationship, on shifting sands. Do you know that's how they drive laboratory animals literally crazy?? If you went with him, you might just be subjecting yourself to that craziness....never knowing what to expect from him, and all the while you are acting totally reliable. Not cool. Not good enough for you.

[swirly27]

Ok, now I am really nervous because my one friend that is friends with him emailed me here at work and said she talked to him on IM last night....so I know now that it was him on IM....which is weird since he wasn't on all that much before. And she is not spilling with what was discussed, she is asking me first if I want to know, so it can't be good. I am so nervous right now because anything negative that might have been said, I am going to take hard. I asked if he said bad stuff and she said no, nothing mean, but what the heck. I didn't do anything for him to be mean about me. I am scared. I don't want words to break me down even more. She did say they didn't get into it like she would have wanted to, but they did talk. So, I am waiting on her dishing.....

[swirly27]

So, my friend told me of the IM conversation she had with him last night, and this is basically it in a nutshell.

 

He asked if she was mad at him bc of me and she said no, there are 2 sides to every story and wanted to hear his. Basically, he said I was nuts! He said all I wanted to do was yell at him the last few times I talked to him and she said WHAT, why would she want to yell at you. He said because he blew me off and she said that action warrants that reaction and he said to be yelled at?? and she said no but to be talked to about it and he said yeah once, but not over and over........I got blown off completely.....I had to contact him to see why......he hardly said 5 words about why he did it cause he SAID he wanted to talk about it face to face, so we plan that for the next day....he blows that off and calls me 9pm at night....a little too late for a face to face discussion but then he has the nerve to say he'll be over cause I wanted to talk and he never shows....and I am NUTS!!! How the hell does that work. I am mad right now which is good, but she talked with him like it was no big deal so I am partly angry with her too.......he said he just wanted to go with the flow and hang out and have fun and when it came to a time when I was upset about something, he said it took him back to his ex......well, I am not her but going with the flow does not mean blowing someone off. and he says I am NUTS!! Sorry, I am stuck on this cause I am so mad. I thought he really liked me and was really into this.....and he told her he thought I was a cool girl and he had alot of fun but I obviously wanted more with this than he was ready for right now......then he asks who else was on her list, meaning what other girls he could meet. I am sooooo STEAMING right now.......I obviously have no judge of character and I don't want to be mad at her too but I am.......I still can't believe he said I am nuts!