Baffled!!

[Agent M]

Oh God, that is awful. I think I scared my ex the same way. In fact, it's funny this should happen to you yesterday b/c I ran into my ex yesterday and had a sorry conversation with him as well. He said he just doesn't see any future for us (!) but could not articulate exactly why. All his antics toward the end were just an attempt at moving away from me! Ugghh! How awful. I plan on finding out exactly what I did....I did tell him I will never see him again and he got all upset and almost started to cry. I have to work but will be in touch.....

[swirly27]

I am telling you Agent, these men are killing us. I KNOW in my heart somewhere that I did NOTHING nuts. I have alot of friends and my mom and aunt that I have been chatting about this with and NONE of them think I am nuts. I said well you're my friends and family, you're supposed to be on my side, but I have some friends that call me on stuff and would tell me.....even my friend that talked to him said he handled it all wrong and that it was his issue. But I am still hurt towards her too.....if that was my guy friend calling my girlfriend nuts, I would have slammed him.....then to ask who else is on her list.....that is not the guy I met and not the guy I heard about....so obviously they don't know all sides of him. The only thing is this was an IM conversation so who knows if he was trying to be funny, light hearted or was on the defense.....I mean his first question to her was Are u Mad At Me? So if I was the nutsy one, why would my friend be mad at him for it.

 

I was sooo angry last night and it felt good. But I have alot of mixed up emotions right now....I am depressed and I feel like there is something wrong with me to get this upset over a guy this quick.....I feel weird towards my friend cause I want her to bash him with me, but they have been friends for a loooonnng time and as a friend, he's great, so I know she cares about him....but I feel like a failure.....I just can't believe this guy set the pace and I went along with it and then I was wanting too much....what a coward! And maybe his ex did ride his A$$ all the time, but he caused this situation, I didn't blow myself off or make it up and then he kept doing it and if he's F'd up then fine, but then admit some fault.....and he didn't at all. Said I was nuts and that I just wanted to yell at him and keep talking about it and then I couldn't just go with the flow. WHAT AN A-HOLE!!! I wish I had never met him and now I feel like our mutual friends will think I am nuts.

 

Agent, I think you deserve so much better than trying to figure out what you did wrong cause you already know you didn't do anything wrong....and this will always be how it will be with him and look how exasperated and draining it is. We both deserve someone that makes us a priority.

[Agent M]

It's striking to me, the similarities in our situations. I saw my ex again tonight and asked if we could talk, and he asked whether I was going to reem him out or not!! I only reemed him once, and reminded him of that. We ended up in a fight and I told him he'd been emotionally abusive to me throughout the whole relationship. I feel so uncomfortable around this guy. These guys do not want to be held accountable. That's sad. And trying not to blame yourself can be difficult but you're right....you did nothing wrong, neither did I.

 

I'm supposed to talk with him tomorrow or Fri. night, but I now do not know what to say or if I should even show up. Maybe I will post the question.

 

My coping mechanism tonight was to go over to a good friends house and just (literally) hang my head. I petted her dogs and she listened to my story. I feel much better now, but am drained. You're right again, this is draining and getting disgusting and we shouldn't be putting so much energy into this. F that. We are not chopped liver! And their lives are not more important than ours. We have to overcome this as it is overcoming us, and that's not healthy. More tomorrow....

[swirly27]

Agent,

 

Both of our situations do suck, but to answer your question, I do not think you should see him tonight or friday. I haven't talked to the boy since the night I ended it with him and I thought I would have but I haven't and maybe thats a blessing in disguise, cause I have nothing new really to get upset about. I know I did just hear about an IM conversation between him and my friend, but still, I haven't seen or heard from him personally.

 

Whats the same for you and I right now is these boys don't want to deal with stuff and nothing WE do will change that. The ONLY way that can change is if these guys figure that out for themselves, so the best thing for you and I to do is just move on with our lives. I must say I feel alot better in the last two days, ever since I found out the stuff he said......but thats because I had some anger fueled into me and thats good. I still miss him and am still sad, but its different now.

 

The only real issue still remaining is my feelings towards my friend. She's the one who chatted with him on IM and she is one of my closest friends but I feel a resentment towards her and I am not sure why. None of this is her fault, but she vouged for him and talked him up so much, but I KNOW its not her fault, but still. Then I was mad cause she didn't yell at him when he said I was nuts. Her and I talked ALOT last night on the phone and she said that he was kidding because he wrote hahaha when he wrote it but still, I want to bash him and its hard cause part of me feels like she is defending him....even though she is on my side and admits he was WRONG. I think its just me feeling defensive and displacing some of my hurt on her, which isn't fair....so I am going to try and not even discuss this with her anymore. I just think I need some time to heal and learn more about myself and today I do go chat with the therapist so I am excited for that.

[Agent M]

Agent,

 

Both of our situations do suck, but to answer your question, I do not think you should see him tonight or friday. I haven't talked to the boy since the night I ended it with him and I thought I would have but I haven't and maybe thats a blessing in disguise, cause I have nothing new really to get upset about. I know I did just hear about an IM conversation between him and my friend, but still, I haven't seen or heard from him personally.

 

Whats the same for you and I right now is these boys don't want to deal with stuff and nothing WE do will change that. The ONLY way that can change is if these guys figure that out for themselves, so the best thing for you and I to do is just move on with our lives. I must say I feel alot better in the last two days, ever since I found out the stuff he said......but thats because I had some anger fueled into me and thats good. I still miss him and am still sad, but its different now.

 

The only real issue still remaining is my feelings towards my friend. She's the one who chatted with him on IM and she is one of my closest friends but I feel a resentment towards her and I am not sure why. None of this is her fault, but she vouged for him and talked him up so much, but I KNOW its not her fault, but still. Then I was mad cause she didn't yell at him when he said I was nuts. Her and I talked ALOT last night on the phone and she said that he was kidding because he wrote hahaha when he wrote it but still, I want to bash him and its hard cause part of me feels like she is defending him....even though she is on my side and admits he was WRONG. I think its just me feeling defensive and displacing some of my hurt on her, which isn't fair....so I am going to try and not even discuss this with her anymore. I just think I need some time to heal and learn more about myself and today I do go chat with the therapist so I am excited for that.

 

That's too bad about your friend. Ilost some friends over similar circumstances w/my ex. One I have cut ties with completelely, and the other I have just backed off with. It's funny, you think you can totally depend upon someone, then they do not feel the same sense of honor and loyalty that you do.

 

I stopped by the lake where he hangs out yesterday to see if I could swing the friendship thing, like he wanted. I had told him the night before that I didn't want to be friends, was never coming back to his town, and to have a nice life. He almost started to cry and ran out of the room. So I decided to give it a try, but there was this girl hanging on him, and younger people around, and he wasn't really paying much attention to me. When I approached him about wanting to talk about it, he insisted on continuing to fish while I talked. I said I wanted more respect than that and he said "you don't just get everything you want in life all the time!" with a real attitude. There started the fight. But we made plans to meet tonight or tomorrow. I'm not sure what'll I'll say, but he's afraid I'm going to reem him out. This is getting ridiculous and I'm feeling gross. I would like a personal friendship with him but not with his little fan club.

 

I hope your appointment goes well today and I'm glad that you're feeling some reprieve from all the turmoil you've been through. Me, I'm about ready to leave town. But your right about strength and taking stock in ourselves and maintaining dignity. The only thing I would say is watch out for that anger because it grows, and then it destroys.

[swirly27]

Agent-

 

Where you live, is it somewhere that you have roots and close ties? What is making you think you want to leave town? Thats a big decision, I remember 2 yrs ago when this guy I fell for HARD broke things off with me and it CRUSHED me and I wanted to move sooooooo bad. But I knew how emotional I was and told myself not to make such a drastic decision, and I am glad now that I didn't move. I know that I could move though and be great somewhere else. I have alot of friends and family here and I had actually thought about moving about an hr from here and just getting away, new environment, but still close enough if I wanted to come home. That thought is always an idea in the back of my head though.

 

As far as the anger, its not an ugly anger, its a good anger. Its an anger that made me feel FINALLY 'what a schmuck he is' and I do deserve better than that. I thought he was great and I put WAY TOO MUCH expectation and want on what he thought and felt about me, and that means I wasn't being 100% me and I don't want to be like that. He may be a great guy but he wasn't great to me and someday that won't bother me as much as it does right now. I just really care what people think of me sometimes, so it really hurt, but I know I am a great person and the fact that he jokingly or not said I was nuts....that just shows how immature and unhealed he is. I don't want that.....and neither should you.

 

I hear you say you want to be friends with this guy and I COMPLETELY understand, but its just not working and you deserve better. I think alot of the passive-ness we talk about is excuses too to make us feel better. I personally don't want to be with some guy that just wants to blow things off all the time....and neither should you....maybe some girl out there operates that way too or won't care to be blown off cause she is not into him, but then thats his loss, not mine and somewhere out there is a guy who doesn't want to blow me off....or you. I am excited about my appt. today, I'll let you know how it goes. At least if I had to be depressed a bit for 2 1/2 weeks till I felt a little better, thats not so bad huh. I just have some healing to do.

[Agent M]

I'm thinking I want to leave town because I'm bored, and I think that's why this is getting to me on such a level. I don't know. It is a big decision. We'll see.

 

I'm glad your anger is the healthy kind. Mine was not and I think that's what drove me to all this crazy behavior. But altleast you have a healthy appreciation for your worth as a person....that's really what its all about. Someday, we'll meet someone special and even then, its got to be about creating our own happiness and not depending on the other person. My ex gets together with his friends and does his own thing, while I let my thoughts get to me. What a waste of time. That's got to change, it's a waste of energy.

 

No, my ideal mate will definately not be one to blow things off or be as lacadasical as my ex, for sure. I like a lot of the ideas my ex has about life...it kind of keeps me pumped up and on the right track. I visited him tonight as planned. Of course it started with a fight! But we had a good little chat and agreed to get together once in a while. He was satisfied with that....maybe too satisfied. i wonder if I should have made him suffer with denying him my friendship, but actually, I feel better now. I don't think he'll ever call and don't know if he even gives a damn, but atleast I'm now dedicated to taking care of myself and taking stock in the fabulous diva I am.

 

How did your appt. go??

[Guest]

Swirly,

 

So sorry you are going through this pain as noone ever deserves to feel this way. I am a guy and I can tell you one thing.......his decision to remove any contact with you had nothing to do with you. Trust me on this one......he is still involved somehow in his past relationship. That does not mean that he is dating his ex, yet it does mean he is either still in contact with her or at the very least has not stopped processing/healing from the breakup. Regardless of whether you are the best thing in the world, until he completely is over his past, you don't stand a chance here. He did you a favor by letting you go. He lacks proper communication skills in the way he chose to walk away, yet I am willing to bet he has done that in his previous relationships too.....you deserve better!

[swirly27]

Ugh, my appt. went ok. She laughs at me cause I always sit there and say that I think something is wrong with me and she says no there isn't and you are just really really hard on yourself. She says its supposed to be her job to tell me if something is wrong, not my job to tell myself. haha I just don't understand why I have this constant need to blame myself....like I wasn't good enough to make him want to continue to be with me...even though my brain knows I am good enough....its my heart that feels broken and not good enough. I guess that'll pass with time. I am also still feeling some hurt and resentment towards the friend, but hopefully that passes too. She is a great person, but I feel like she is defending him on some level, but I guess I'd have to expect it a little since they are good friends. I just hate it.

 

Yeah, you'll have to think long and hard about the moving decision. It would be a clean break and a new beginning, which can be great. But I always worry I'll move and then regret it and I won't be able to get back the great life I have where I am at now....but it could be greater somewhere else....so its always a thought I have. I keep my eye open for other jobs and stuff.

At least its friday, not that I have any plans.....I just hate feeling lonely and empty, like he is off enjoying life NOT thinking of me and I still miss him and that sucks too. UGH

[swirly27]

Thanks Guest for responding!

I do hear what you're saying about the whole ex factor, I already basically thought that......I even wondered if he was in contact with her, as that would lead him to act all confused all of a sudden, but from what I hear, no one has heard anything about her, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I do believe with 100% that he is not healed from it and not over it enough that he is ready to move forward with something meaningful with someone else. I think he thought he was, but then realized he soooo wasn't. All of that hurts enough....but for him to just start blowing me off altogether and in the end, telling me he'd be over and just not showing up....that hurt soooo bad, to not even feel worth an explanation. And to this day.....I sent a text message ending it and he never even had the respect to say something back.....and then I call and said I felt bad for how it all ended, what a schmuck I was!!! Then he tells my friend I am nuts (even if he was joking) and says I couldn't go with the flow?? What does going with the flow have to do with blowing me off??? The two have nothing to do with one another. I don't know, I am just baffled and I know everything he said was probably just excuses to make himself feel better....but my self esteem is at a low right now, thinking what is wrong with me.....why wasn't I great enough that he didn't want to treat me like that......I need to fix that way of thinking for myself.....

[Agent M]

My ex did reiterate that he is not in a place to have a relationship right now, and I think that's the same thing that's going on with your ex. Just not the right timing. I felt defective also, but when I challenged that thought, I arrived at the conclusion that just because someone acts a certain way towards me, it doesn't mean it's a reflection of me or who I am. One thing I realize after talking with the ex last night is that he doesn't give a flying f**k about me, but who's to say I'm to blame for that? Something's up with him, and really, I'm glad it's not anything I have to be in a relationship with. Perhaps your ex has his own issues right now that really have nothing to do with you, but you're putting the blame on yourself anyway. On the other hand, there is something good about being able to accept the fact that we can't be all things to all people. I would have loved to help my ex and to be there for him, but he doesn't want the help. So, OK. Do you see what I mean? Just accept him for what he is...not able to be there for you, not emotionally available, maybe not even good enough for you. Do you want half a relationship? Right now you're dealing with someone who can't understand that his behavior was disrespectful enough to warrant some anger. I don't blame you for being angry, he acted disrespectfully, and it sounds like he just wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it right now. Perhaps he did this to his ex as well. I know my ex did this to all his ex's, and his dad did it to his mom who later divorced him. We are not responsible for the learning curve of others. In a way, I am grateful to be humble enough to accept rejection. If he was prince charming and had not a flaw in his personality, well then I'd strart to wonder about myself, but we are all brothers and sisters, each one special and unique, and that includes you. You are special, and you have feelings, which I think is a beautiful thing. It's just channeling them in the right direction.

 

Yes, I can totally relate to feeling like he's off having fun. My ex is going camping with a bunch of people today...guys and girls alike.....but good for him. I'm not really into camping and I'm not into the crowd he hangs with. Time to find your own fun and work on realizing he is not worth all this agony. I know it's hard to quiet the thoughts. But work on it. I'll be working on it all day today. Every time a thought of him enters my head, I will shoo it off. It's not healthy, and he's certainly not home ruminating about me.

 

The moving thing...I totally agree with you on all points you made. We'll see what happens.

[spinnelli]

if you don't talk to them, you don't know what they are doing, and as a result you don't feel jealous that they are off having fun without you. I mean you may imagine that they are off somewhere having fun at the moment, but really after a little while, that imagination wanes. And the longer you stay away, you just stop imagining.

[swirly27]

My ex did reiterate that he is not in a place to have a relationship right now, and I think that's the same thing that's going on with your ex. Just not the right timing. I felt defective also, but when I challenged that thought, I arrived at the conclusion that just because someone acts a certain way towards me, it doesn't mean it's a reflection of me or who I am. One thing I realize after talking with the ex last night is that he doesn't give a flying f**k about me, but who's to say I'm to blame for that? Something's up with him, and really, I'm glad it's not anything I have to be in a relationship with. Perhaps your ex has his own issues right now that really have nothing to do with you, but you're putting the blame on yourself anyway. On the other hand, there is something good about being able to accept the fact that we can't be all things to all people. I would have loved to help my ex and to be there for him, but he doesn't want the help. So, OK. Do you see what I mean? Just accept him for what he is...not able to be there for you, not emotionally available, maybe not even good enough for you. Do you want half a relationship? Right now you're dealing with someone who can't understand that his behavior was disrespectful enough to warrant some anger. I don't blame you for being angry, he acted disrespectfully, and it sounds like he just wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it right now. Perhaps he did this to his ex as well. I know my ex did this to all his ex's, and his dad did it to his mom who later divorced him. We are not responsible for the learning curve of others. In a way, I am grateful to be humble enough to accept rejection. If he was prince charming and had not a flaw in his personality, well then I'd strart to wonder about myself, but we are all brothers and sisters, each one special and unique, and that includes you. You are special, and you have feelings, which I think is a beautiful thing. It's just channeling them in the right direction.

 

Yes, I can totally relate to feeling like he's off having fun. My ex is going camping with a bunch of people today...guys and girls alike.....but good for him. I'm not really into camping and I'm not into the crowd he hangs with. Time to find your own fun and work on realizing he is not worth all this agony. I know it's hard to quiet the thoughts. But work on it. I'll be working on it all day today. Every time a thought of him enters my head, I will shoo it off. It's not healthy, and he's certainly not home ruminating about me.

 

The moving thing...I totally agree with you on all points you made. We'll see what happens.

 

I know everything you are saying is right........i cannot blame myself for how someone else views me, it is not necessarily a reflection of me. Now if everyone in my life said I was sensitive (which I am), then that obviously reflects me. But no guy has ever called me nuts, I always prided myself on not being that clingy nutsy girl, even if I felt it at times.....but who is to say what is nuts.....this duche bag calls me nuts for wanting to 'yell' (I define it as talk) about a negative situation he caused........but someone else (almost everyone else) says there is nothing nuts at all about it. I have done nutsier things haha, especially with my highschool boyfriend, but to talk about something, that is not nuts.

 

My problem I think at the core of this is this guy's opinion of me matters to me for some reason...I think thats basically it. His opinion matters and so does my friend's.....she agrees with me, but on some level I feel she defends him too, so I feel like a failure somehow like maybe I wasn't 'cool' enough or laid back enough....I am questioning my own standards and expectations I think because I felt a liking for this guy and I wanted that to work....so this is what I need to work on. Maybe if he wasn't friends with my friend, it wouldn't be AS hard. ???

 

So Agent, what are your weekend plans? The weather here fits the mood, but I want to try and not mope, so I am thinking of things to keep busy and get around people. Funny I never have this problem when I am not sad about a breakup, I am always out and about or social or enjoying my alone time.

[Agent M]

More later as I'm off to work, BUT Yes, he means too much to you in your head (and mine too). Try to put everything back in proper perspective. In all actuality, you'll meet someone else, he's not that great (probably), he's got a life of his own and you do too, take stock in yourself, work on what you dig about yourself, what your strengths are, honor your interests, cultivate yourself, feel good about who you are and all you've achieved in your life. And if you can't do it right now, start acting like it and you'll see that soon, the belief follows the action. Hope that's enough to tide you over for the day....

[swirly27]

You're right, I need to remember why I am such a good person. Its just hard because no matter what anyone else thinks of us, if we don't think highly of ourselves, then we are doomed, and I need to get back to being happy with myself. In general, I am......but for some reason this guy's opinion of me is mattering and I know it is partly because he is good friends with some of my friends....so I feel like if my friends like me and they like him, then we should like each other....but HAHAHA that is so funny and doesn't have to be that way. It was hard not hearing from him at all and it still is.....but to hear him say I couldn't go with the flow or I am nuts and make me feel like I was too much....I know I am twisting some words here, but that is the basic feeling to it all.....that makes me mad cause he set the pace and I followed.....he could just say he thought he wanted something and realized he wasn't ready....but NO, he won't say that, he says I wanted too much and am nuts. I need to let these words go and just know that he's not that much of a stand up guy, with or without issues. I need to realize that my friend is his friend and we are very close and just because she might like him or sympathize with him doesn't mean she is against me. Loyalty is just very important to me. Everything is a lesson.

[Agent M]

Is there anyone you can talk to that knows him (or not) but can really listen to you without getting any friendships mixed up in it all? I've kept my friends and family abreast of all the developments, and they have been able to help keep me straight. My mother stopped by work today and said something that made me feel better: He doesn't recognize all the good in you. And she has helped to give me a lot of perspective and figure out exactly what happened. If you can help it, don't get hung up on what happened but keep pumping yourself up. Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but try to put the pain in perspective. In other words, the bad feelings we have should be enough to really turn us off. It doesn't feel good, so why do we brood in it? My ex is easily able to say: it doesn't feel good, so I'm not doing it. Granted, he is a wimp about many things in life, but in relationships, this is a good attitude. If not, it becomes almost like an addiction. If you think about it, we can't change anything, so why dwell on all the bad thoughts and feelings? Although I think it is natural to feel sad and angry, we do not have to martyr ourselves. Is there some kind of group for people addictions?

[swirly27]

Is there anyone you can talk to that knows him (or not) but can really listen to you without getting any friendships mixed up in it all? I've kept my friends and family abreast of all the developments, and they have been able to help keep me straight. My mother stopped by work today and said something that made me feel better: He doesn't recognize all the good in you. And she has helped to give me a lot of perspective and figure out exactly what happened. If you can help it, don't get hung up on what happened but keep pumping yourself up. Also, I don't know if I mentioned this, but try to put the pain in perspective. In other words, the bad feelings we have should be enough to really turn us off. It doesn't feel good, so why do we brood in it? My ex is easily able to say: it doesn't feel good, so I'm not doing it. Granted, he is a wimp about many things in life, but in relationships, this is a good attitude. If not, it becomes almost like an addiction. If you think about it, we can't change anything, so why dwell on all the bad thoughts and feelings? Although I think it is natural to feel sad and angry, we do not have to martyr ourselves. Is there some kind of group for people addictions?

 

 

Yes, I actually have quite a few people I can talk to and none of them are his friends....its just one of my best friends that is his friend. I have been talking to my parents alot about this, both mom and dad and even stepmom, to get their perspectives. My mom has been great. But I am very analytical and am my own worst enemy so when they tell me the great stuff I need to hear, I disagree with them because somewhere it is stuck in me that I caused this and this was my fault.......I wasn't laid back enough or couldn't go with the flow enough. I have been doing alot better this week than I did the first two weeks, but this is obviously something within myself I need to fix. I feel like I needed validation of how great I am only if this guy thought so too, and he didn't, so now I feel like less of a person.....and that is soooooo not a healthy thing. Maybe the fact that I am at least aware of it is healthy. lol

 

Agent, how did your friday night go? Did you see him? I stayed busy last night and hung out with a good girlfriend (who is NOT friends with him) and we went to dinner and took her little boy, it was nice. Then we sat on her deck and she lets me babble about all of this all the time. Don't know what I'd do without her in my life. I am thinking tonight of seeing what my mom is doing. I just STILL miss him and I HATE it. I just keep hoping he'd slip once and text me or call, even if its drunk or for the wrong reasons....even if I didn't answer, just knowing he slipped and thought of me on some level, would give me a jump in feeling better. Man, I am warped huh. lol

[Agent M]

Yes, I actually have quite a few people I can talk to and none of them are his friends....its just one of my best friends that is his friend. I have been talking to my parents alot about this, both mom and dad and even stepmom, to get their perspectives. My mom has been great. But I am very analytical and am my own worst enemy so when they tell me the great stuff I need to hear, I disagree with them because somewhere it is stuck in me that I caused this and this was my fault.......I wasn't laid back enough or couldn't go with the flow enough. I have been doing alot better this week than I did the first two weeks, but this is obviously something within myself I need to fix. I feel like I needed validation of how great I am only if this guy thought so too, and he didn't, so now I feel like less of a person.....and that is soooooo not a healthy thing. Maybe the fact that I am at least aware of it is healthy. lol

 

Agent, how did your friday night go? Did you see him? I stayed busy last night and hung out with a good girlfriend (who is NOT friends with him) and we went to dinner and took her little boy, it was nice. Then we sat on her deck and she lets me babble about all of this all the time. Don't know what I'd do without her in my life. I am thinking tonight of seeing what my mom is doing. I just STILL miss him and I HATE it. I just keep hoping he'd slip once and text me or call, even if its drunk or for the wrong reasons....even if I didn't answer, just knowing he slipped and thought of me on some level, would give me a jump in feeling better. Man, I am warped huh. lol

 

Oh Lord I just typed this whole long thing to you and when I went to log in I lost it all! UGGHH!

 

I'll try to recall.....I, like you, am very analytical. I blamed myself for awhile. But after having these talks with him I realized it's just not working, plain and simple. He is different than me. I'm very mature, he is not. I'm very focused and reliable, he is not. I don't say any of it out of anger, but it's the truth. Perhaps this guy of yours who is looking all roses to you, isn't. If he's blowing you off right up front, well that's a good indication of his personality style, and to me that's a red flag. Think about it this way. You could have rolled over and said, Hey, no problem, be late, blow me off, I don't care, it's cool, but then what? Would you REALLY be happy with that? Here's the part where you have to be honest with yourself. Would you REALLY be happy with that? Does that feel good to you? Do you want to be in pain? One thing I learned from my ex is that pain ISN'T GOOD! I've worked so hard for everything I've gained in my life that I grew to accept pain as an integral part of achievement, but when it comes to relationships, it aint healthy and it aint good. If you got back together with this guy, chances are you might get blamed for something again, you'd internalize it, feel worse about yourself, then try to change into something that's not really authentically you, and your self esteem would suffer. And as long as you know you're trying to be the best person you can be, that's all that really matters. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

 

I didn't see him last night and I really don't intend to. What for? Now that he knows we are "friends" he is satisfied, but he will never call or be there for me. He just wants to know that everyone is cool with him (it's called low self esteem and wanting everyone to automatically like you instead of examining why they might not and whether you should pay attention to that or not). I'm glad to be away. he brings me PAIN. He makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. Up until now I thought that was OK but now I see it's not. Sometimes a little selfishness in this area is good.

[swirly27]

Aww, sorry Agent, I hate when that happens and u type so much and then lose it. Always a bummer.

 

I totally hear what you are saying on whether or not I would have been REALLY happy with still dating this guy. Even before that weekend that he completely blew me off, he could be flippant with phone calls and such. But the problem I have is, did I expect too much....since we were only dating? I think we both got wrapped up in each other and things moved quickly but if he didn't call all the time, was that soooo wrong?? Blowing off plans is WRONG and there is no question there....but I keep wondering if leading up to that, I did something or acted a certain way that made him want to pull back. If that is the case, then he had a responsibility to say something and he didn't, so thats on him.....but I keep thinking did I ask about why he didn't call twice too many (thats how many times I asked that, lightly too)? Did I expect too much or jump to the worst case conclusions? The night we had miscommunications and I waited for him for hours, calling him twice....I should have just blown it off, and blown him off. I could have noted the behavior, wondered about it, but not called him.....I should have just been unavailable the rest of the night and been nice and said I fell asleep - made him work more to show him I wasn't sitting around waiting for him. I know these are games, but we were only dating a short time and maybe I seemed too eager to him all of a sudden. But there was one time when he texted me and I didn't answer and then he proceeded to call me 5 times in like 3 hrs....so why wasn't that him being needy? WHY - because I really liked him so it seemed sweet. UGH The problem is I really liked him, so I'll 2nd guess everything I did/said right now. If things always would have been that way with him, then NO I would not have been happy....but maybe he just was feeling things out and seeing how things played out and even when he blew off the pigroast, I should have gotten my stubborn streak out and blew him off...not contacted him for an explanation......made him contact me, whenever that would have been and played it cool....been direct and state my disapproval at the action, but not chased him. I hate games though and obviously any guy that can treat things the way he did is screwed up.....I even made that call last week to try and smooth things over so things weren't weird and he blew that off too.....I thought I was being mature, but he wants no part of it. I just wish I knew he was missing me someway, but he's not and that hurts. I need to get back the self esteem I always had, cause to get this upset over a guy who I dated for a short time is not cool. I know I am pulling this from past hurts and I hope in time, I completely heal.

 

Agent, I think you did good by not seeing him last night. What are the rest of your weekend plans? This is really helpful talking with you about all of this, so thank you!! It gets me thru some tough times of the day when I feel helpless here and there. I don't know what I am doing tonight, kinda not in the mood to do much. Heck, other guys have even hit on me and thats not even perking me up...looking at guys right now is just BLECH to me, but I guess that is normal. Do you have IM?

[Agent M]

It's possible that you did something to cause him to back away. I called my ex too many times while he was on vaca and expected to hear from him everyday, and called him on it. But it wasn't necessarily my fault...he'd been calling every day and even didn't call once when i told him I really really needed to talk later on. But, you know, that's never the real issue, it always runs deeper than that with a person. If it was the whole issue and you were dealing with someone mature, they would have talked it over with you and came to some rational agreement. But, he acted passively aggressively which is cowardly really. I decided it's best not to overtrust or overinvest at first. Next time I will try to give the guy a little more space (even though I was giving him lots of it otherwise, he didn't think so) so it's just a difference in needs. My ex would say things like, why can't you just be? to which I would reply, "because sometimes I just want to BE with you." I found it very annoying and i think the behavior you witnessed was just a harbinger of more bad sh** to come.

 

Tonight I am going over to a girlfriends for chicken and 3 of us are going to eat that and ice cream. Last night I watched comedy central and went to sleep (so tired from all of this). today I've gone for a walk, talked on the phone, saw a friend, did some cleaning, etc. etc. You'll come back in time.

[swirly27]

I know, I keep thinking back in EVERYTHING and if there was a moment in it all that I would think caused him to back off, it would be the weekend before I ended it. We had plans to meet up that night and it was very BLAH plans but he said he'd call in a couple hours and he knew I hadn't made other plans. He didn't call and 4 1/2 hrs had gone by...so I called....he said he'd be another half hour or so and would call me....another 2 hrs went by....and I called again. By this point I was ANNOYED but I vented to friends and then spoke very calmly with him....I asked what was up and said how I could have just spent the night doing something else if he hadn't wanted to get together...of course he said that wasn't it, things had just fallen thru. Was I wrong to see this as a bad sign?? Maybe, but I did, so I calmly asked if there was a hint I was missing and he said NO WAY, you're getting the wrong hint. He came over then and we had a nice night vegging. He asked if I wanted to come to his house the next day while he worked on some stuff and I said yes. The next day, he didn't bring that up and was getting ready to leave, so I felt weird. He could tell I felt weird but I said nothing was wrong. Then he called and I apologized if I acted distant and he said 'What was wrong' so I said I felt funny that he'd asked me to come over the night before, but then that day, he said nothing. He laughed and said 'of course you can come over, but I thought you'd be bored' and I said you're right and we chatted later than night and he even texted me saying he wanted to steal my heart. That was a sunday....we talked fine that monday and tuesday, both nights him doing the calling.....that was how it went...until that friday where I texted him to see if we were still on for the next night's plans....and he never answered....and you know the rest.

 

So, with what I described above, could my feelings over that weekend and how I handled it really have caused him to want to step back and feel differently towards me?? I guess if thats the case, thats not the guy for me anyway huh? But then to not even end it with me and say no when I stated maybe thats what he wanted...instead he just doesn't show up. When will I stop analyzing this so much and just let it go?? UGH Its my own doing I know and I need to stop making myself think of it....This is where I know I am pulling alot of heart from past hurts, mostly the one that happened 2 years ago....that CRUSHED me and I got thru it, but I obviously had residual hurt leftover, especially to feel insecure with this new guy like I did. I just hate thinking I caused this and I wish I could go back and do it over again.

[Agent M]

I bet if you went back to do it all over again the same thing would happen. I also believe that the reason for the mixed messages is that he didn't know what he thought or felt, and was vascillating back and forth between the 2 extremes. This is exactly what happened to me anyway. He told me he was totally into me, then backed off, then told me he was not going to leave town b/c of me like he had originally planned, then backed off, then told me I was the only g/f he ever had that let him be himself, then backed off, then told me he loved me, then backed off, etc. etc. until I started getting really irritated and more assertive and then he just continued to back off. Tough. I think you were exceptionally nice to him considering how badly he blew you off, I probably would have been hurling furniture. He could have handled it better by telling you how he felt rather than hurting your feelings.

[Guest]

swirly,

 

Its unfortunate, yet you need to recognize that you were the rebound girl in this situation. His mind has not yet healed from his past, thus he was just spending time with you to forget his past. You could have been the best to him yet he was not able to recognize you for you as you were a time filler and thats it. I am sorry for being so blunt yet the quicker you realize it, the easier it will be for you to not question yourself here. You did nothing wrong, only to develop feelings for a guy on the rebound. Rebounders don't think about how the reboundee is feeling at all and will simply walk away when they feel the slightest discomfort.

[swirly27]

I believe what you guys are saying is right (Agent & Guest). I didn't do anything WRONG. I could have said or done something that he didn't like or didn't want to deal with, but I didn't do anything WRONG. There are people out there though that are crazy or nutsy or smothering and I just wonder if that was me....but I have soooo many friends that laugh at me and want to smack me because they would tell me and they have known me for sooooo long and say I am the farthest thing from it. They do say though that I beat myself down to much, at least in these last two years, and I need to realize it wasn't me. I wish I could just start believing it myself.

 

Dating is hard and as we get older, it gets harder. Agent, I don't know how old you are but I am 29 and when I meet someone I like, it means more to me. I never talked serious with him, but I did hope it went serious 'eventually' and he could sense that....I thought thats what he wanted too, 'eventually' (he even said so to his friends). I guess its just normal to think you had someone that was soooo into you and then after spending time with you, they backed off....so you wonder what you did. I know eventually I won't think this way.....It definitely shows his character (or lack of) to handle this the way he did. I hope one day he regrets this. One day I won't care though.

[Agent M]

It makes me chuckle when you talk about him being soooooo into you and then after spending time with you, backing off. The same EXACT thing happened to me and in thinking lots about it, I'm pretty sure I'm right in saying that he may never have really been into you, but was just trying or pretending to be. Also, he may have changed his mind for a myriad of reasons that were unrelated and/or related to you.

 

Basically, whatever you did or didn't do wasn't so much about you as it was about him reacting to you. Perhaps you want to look at whether you were a little pushy or smothering.....I was at times, but only in relation to someone who had huge needs for space. Then I went a little crazy with the phone because he was blowing me off, and for me that means sleepless nights and ill health. So, if I didn't talk to him right away, I had emotional as well as physical pain to deal with and hence, the anxiety. So you see it is all relative. The bottom line is that this guy didn't meet your needs, at a very basic level.

 

From what you've told me, it doesn't sound like you were pushy or smothering, but it's good to look at the signs right up front, and to pay close attention to how he is acting. If it doesn't look right, run. I'm in my 30's and have played the "oh everything will work out fine" game to my own detriment too many times. Pay attention to the warning signs.