Baffled!!

[swirly27]

I hear ya Agent....maybe he never was really that into me. My girlfriend was just over and we rented a movie and ordered take out and afterwards, we sat on the couch as she leafed thru my copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You'. So many of the questions I had were in that book. I know that book is a guideline and most likely 98% true, but there are always exceptions. The first week after we hung out all three days of that first weekend, he didn't call till Wed. and he said he'd call Mon. I told my friend I thought of this book but this is the friend who is friends with him and she told me I was probably just overreacting....but now I think I wasn't. He asked me out for that friday and he didn't call that friday till 8pm.....not the end of the world but a little later than I would think to make plans for THAT night....again I thought of this book, but she said again not to read into it. Maybe this is why I feel some resentment towards her...but ultimately, its not her fault....I heard what I wanted to hear instead of maybe listening to my guts. I stated before that I had never felt insecure in the beginning like this before and this is why....cause other guys never gave me a reason like this before.....when it happened with him, I didn't want to overreact but maybe I wasn't.

 

I can try and learn from this. Him and I hanging out that first weekend ALL weekend becoming intimate, that was too quick I think....for me anyway. It felt right, but it was moving too quickly. That intimacy most likely made me feel more emotional about all this right from the start. I think for me, I need to take things slower. I need to remind myself that communication is ok and that if I meet someone that makes me feel like I can't ask a question, then they are not for me. He may be a great guy, but in no way mature enough to handle any type of relationship....he said I wanted something more serious.....yes, I hoped it would turn into that eventually, but he didn't talk with me about it and copped out. I hope one day he knows its his loss. I just need to work on my self esteem and telling myself I am worth it.

 

I went thru my horrible break up 2 yrs ago, the LDR, and it hurt when OUT OF THE BLUE he said he didn't think things would work....but at least he said it and talked with me about it and thats all anybody can ask.....this guy now couldn't do anything and that is just ridiculous and cowardly. All I need to get over now is my missing him and working on my self esteem....in time.

How was your Sunday Agent?

[Agent M]

I think for me, I need to take things slower. I need to remind myself that communication is ok and that if I meet someone that makes me feel like I can't ask a question, then they are not for me.

 

Yes, I agree with this.

 

 

 

Yes, yes, yes, you're sounding healthier now. He may have been into you at first, but was still a flake, hence the late showings. My ex did the same things (how many times have I said that now... ). We were supposed to get together after he got out of work and lo and behold he decided to stop at a friend's house along the way. I ended up waiting and waiting and it wasn't until 8:15 that he finally arrived. That is, after I had to call him and see where the hell he was. Then maybe after he realized that you care about being respected and having someone reliable in your life, he couldn't deal for one reason or another.

 

I think there's a lot of truth in that book, but you do have to consider things on a case by case basis. I was just out having chai with my sister who got married recently. We were talking about her husband and he is a dream. He's so nice and so considerate, and she always comes first. He gives her lots of attention, they communicate well, he would never dream of blowing her off, she is definitely number one is his life. He writes her a short love note every morning. But he's also not a wimp or a dishrag, he does have a life of his own and a strong personality. I think that once one begins to have standards that are reasonable, the right person comes along. I made a list of about 40 questions to ask myself the next time I get involved, and my family has offered to meet the guy and let me know what they think. I don't think you overreacted to this guy's antics, in fact if you'd let them continue, you might be in the same unfortunate situation that many other people on this sight are in.

[swirly27]

Whats weird is alot of my friends did meet this guy and they all really liked them. He met my one girlfriend and found out she was having a bday party for her little boy and he offered to bring a float that he had made to the bday party for the little boy. He brought pictures too to my house for her to see of the float and everything and everyone that met him said he seemed very personable and nice. He is those things, but that doesn't mean they'd be able to see he was a flake.

 

I keep thinking he must have been confused, maybe a little torn, maybe not I don't know.....but I keep wishing somewhere inside that is twisted that he would just slip once and contact me.....like even drunk or just to say SOMETHING......I should probably be glad he isn't cause then that would probably get hopes up or something....but I feel like wasn't our time together anything for him? I should already have my answer because he didn't even have the decency to ever text me back after I ended it....that SHOULD be answer enough to the kind of guy he is when he doesn't want to deal....and in our lifetimes, we are constantly dealth with things we may not want to deal with.....but this is a low blow to do to a girl. I keep telling myself that when I miss him....I talk out loud to myself and repeat ISSUES and ITS OVER and HIS LOSS...sometimes it helps. lol

 

I'll be better in time, I just think I hate knowing that I am going to feel this emptiness for awhile and I don't look forward to it. I always prided myself on being independent and love living alone because I can be alone when I want and have alot of friends and social-ness going on that when I want to talk or go out or whatever, I can do that too. Then you meet someone that fills a place in your life, makes things even better and when they are gone, you are left with an emptiness......we all know what thats like.....but I keep wondering if I am doing something wrong with the guys I meet or is it not me, its them.....I like to think its 'us'.....'we' just didn't mesh well.....but in 29 years of living, I have never had someone just disappear like that with no words.....what a jerk. I think I will definitely be much more guarded in future relationship possibilities. But I dated a guy once when I was like 22 and I genuinely wasn't all that sure I was interested, and he tried asking me out for like 3 months...called all the time, did all these little nice things, and then finally we started hanging out and got together....and 2 months later he cheated on me....so its like even when I wasn't all available and took my time (which wasn't a game, I just wasn't sure about him at first) it ended badly anyway...so you never know how things will turn out. My dad and stepmom really want me to consider this really high class dating service that is not far from me....not online, its a place you go to and they match you up based on this huge listing of things and you can pick people out too. I am hesitant right now, but who knows, maybe. Its gotta be better than meeting people out in bars...or thru friends. lol

[Agent M]

One of the things I had a hard time understanding was my my ex had so many friends! Everyone really likes him. But I also know that just because people have friends, doesn't mean they are quality through and through. Not everyone knows what's inside the person, they only see the outside. The outside can be very pleasing, and generous, and whatnot.

 

You may want to consider speaking with him at his house if you're aching to know or talk so badly. i was pretty sure my ex wouldn't want to see me when I stopped by, but I had to do it for myself. And the fact that some of what he said made me sound a little psycho (even though I'm not!) actually made it easier b/c I got really embarrassed that someone would think such a thing. It made me really not want to be around at all. I couldn't imagine seeing him now, even though I said i'd be friends. The thought of it just makes me want to crawl inside my skin. Ick!

 

That dating service sounds awesome...I would definitely do that. It sounds fun.

 

Yes I guess you never know what's in store for you in a relationship, although I'll tell you, I've always seen red flags at the beginning when things were going to go wrong. Maybe you should consider this guy's behaviors big red flags....

[swirly27]

Thats definitely something that had me feeling bad, knowing this guy has alot of friends....but so did my highschool boyfriend and he was into drugs and went to jail and is pretty much a loser today....so I guess having friends doesn't always say much for character. I can say that I did hear that this guy isn't always reliable when it comes to plans and follow thru......and even his guy friends would get annoyed at that...but then try it on a girl with feelings for you and of course I would be hurt by it. So, I am human....and not nuts. lol

 

Agent, I am glad that you did what you had to do to make yourself feel better. Its also a great step thinking that now if you saw him, it makes your skin go ick. lol I can say that I can never go and see him......for me, I would feel worse afterwards. I read in my book today that sometimes you have to get closure...from within yourself....and thats what I am trying to do....if he wanted to end things, he couldn't say it....if he didn't, he didn't respect me enough to communicate what was going on....and in the end he left me waiting up for him......unless he ever made the move to contact me now, nothing he says would really matter. I did make that call last week, because that was my attempt at closure with him, and I was very upbeat and nice, but that still didn't matter......so he will get nothing else from me. Me wasting all my thoughts on him right now is enough from me.....at least he doesn't KNOW I think of him all the time.

 

I really am starting to believe that the reason I was feeling so insecure in the beginning is because I was seeing red flags but trying not to read into them or told myself I was overreacting....and I now think it was my gut telling me something. I think its just that its been so long that I clicked with someone that I wanted it to work...and I got caught up in everyone else's words about us. I still really miss him, but I cried less this past week and weekend then the first two, so its gotta only get better right. I just hope I am meant to go thru all this crap to only appreciate more when the right guy comes along.

[Agent M]

Thats definitely something that had me feeling bad, knowing this guy has alot of friends....but so did my highschool boyfriend and he was into drugs and went to jail and is pretty much a loser today....so I guess having friends doesn't always say much for character. I can say that I did hear that this guy isn't always reliable when it comes to plans and follow thru......and even his guy friends would get annoyed at that...but then try it on a girl with feelings for you and of course I would be hurt by it. So, I am human....and not nuts. lol

 

Agent, I am glad that you did what you had to do to make yourself feel better. Its also a great step thinking that now if you saw him, it makes your skin go ick. lol I can say that I can never go and see him......for me, I would feel worse afterwards. I read in my book today that sometimes you have to get closure...from within yourself....and thats what I am trying to do....if he wanted to end things, he couldn't say it....if he didn't, he didn't respect me enough to communicate what was going on....and in the end he left me waiting up for him......unless he ever made the move to contact me now, nothing he says would really matter. I did make that call last week, because that was my attempt at closure with him, and I was very upbeat and nice, but that still didn't matter......so he will get nothing else from me. Me wasting all my thoughts on him right now is enough from me.....at least he doesn't KNOW I think of him all the time.

 

I really am starting to believe that the reason I was feeling so insecure in the beginning is because I was seeing red flags but trying not to read into them or told myself I was overreacting....and I now think it was my gut telling me something. I think its just that its been so long that I clicked with someone that I wanted it to work...and I got caught up in everyone else's words about us. I still really miss him, but I cried less this past week and weekend then the first two, so its gotta only get better right. I just hope I am meant to go thru all this crap to only appreciate more when the right guy comes along.

 

Yes, it does sound like things are getting better for you. I woke up this a.m. feeling pretty upset, but then received an email from a friend of mine who has had cancer. She spoke of considering with whom I am spending my time, and how precious that time is, and how everyone you interact with takes some of your spirit and energy. She has broken ties with some, and forged ties with others through all that she's been through. She went on at some length, and it was very interesting and inspiring. Made me think, why are we putting cherished energy into these guys that really don't care. I don't know about you (although I suspect) that deep in my heart it is hard for me to face the fact that he just doesn't care. I'm fairly sure that the only reason he wanted to be "friends" was to absolve himself of guilt. I'm fairly sure he won't call.

 

On the theme of our emotions, I was talking to a guy friend who thought it was interesting that I should have all these emotions regarding this whole issue. So, I took this book out of the library about different personality types, and it seems I am a "sensor"....and I suspect you are too. I am getting to the part where the author describes some coping mechanisms for this very common type...i will let you know of any insights I gain. I think for the day, though, I will be contemplating on the words in the email from my friend.....if this was your last day, who are the people you'd think about, want to be with, focus your energy on? What activities would you like to engage in? What would your demeanor be like? Would you have a smile on your face, or a frown? Things that make you go hmmmm....

[swirly27]

I am sorry that you woke up feeling upset today, but isn't it weird how wise words from a friend can really turn things around. I totally hear you on why are we wasting all this energy and time being upset about someone that doesn't care about us. I surely don't want to....but I assume neither do you. I think we hold on so hard because as we go thru more experiences, each one different, we learn more about what we want and don't want and we miss feeling that connection with someone.....so when it happens, we don't want to let it go. But ur friend is soooo right, life is so short and I myself am always thinking things like that, which makes me somewhat of a sentimental fool sometimes. I have already thought about how if something happened to me tomorrow, I bet this guy would feel like a real s**t for the way he handled things.....and if something happened to him, I would hurt as well, but at least I know I tried. He needs to not be worth my energy anymore.

 

I do know it is making things just a tad harder when I have this feeling inside that my gf who is friends with him feels defensive towards him....but I need to get over that or learn from it and decide if my friendship with her is worth more than a broken heart over some guy.....and it is......but I just need time to not feel this way towards her either.

 

I had one of my guy friends over saturday night and he is still missing an ex of his. He ended it but didn't really want to and let me tell you, she sounds like a real piece of work....but he can't seem to shake missing her so much. He is out of the depression phase, but still no one compares to her....and I can't figure out why from what I hear....but we chatted about our stories and he was so easily able to say the same stuff to me about my guy, which helped. Usually your friends though will always take your side.....I need to take my side now.

 

Definitely let me know what you find out about in that book. I love reading period so I plan on making a trip to Barnes N Nobles here soon and throwing myself into some books. It just seems from the books I have read about men, that its all about the game to some extent and I am so tired of that game. God forbid you act like you like anyone anymore. lol

[Agent M]

You mentioned your friend who was over and he's experiencing the same thing pretty much, although his ex was a piece of work. And he's missing her. What the hell is wrong with us??

 

My big complaint at this time is that my ex is just tooling around having a great time, not thinking about me, he's with people, hiking, bar hopping, making music, laughing, and that just upsets me. Good for him, but I'm having a hard time getting there. Then, I thought about an experience I had several years ago when I was in college. I had this job and I was always in a bad mood there, because I was so busy with school work and I really didn't have the energy for this job. After I finally graduated, I still had the job. my load had lightened, and i worked withthis woman who was always in a really good mood. So I started to emulate her behavior, and before long I too was always in a really good mood. So I went about trying this today. It worked, however it almost worked too good, because the energy i'm stirring up is adrenalin, and not just happiness. I'll keep working at it and let you know.

 

I was wondering, and I'm a little embarrassed about this, but I think part of what is keeping me tied to him at this point is just sexual attraction. It wasn't that way until we broke up. This makes me feel weird and shallow, but it has happened before. It's like, the sexual attraction is so strong that the other stuff takes a backseat. Have you ever felt this way??

 

I'll keep you posted on that book. You're right about the books out there, a lot of them are about playing games. Playing games never works in the end, and it's a real pain in the meantime.

[swirly27]

I know, my guy friend was telling me all about this girl and she sounds like a real piece of trash to me, but he fell for her....its almost like you have to act like a b**ch to get the guy....and that is just plain A$$ BACKWARDS. I don't want that nor do I want the guy that wants that.....but there is some truth to holding back a little, at least in the beginning. There is no magic formula though.

 

I completely hear you on the sexual aspect thing. I only dated my guy for a month and a half, so the newness was far from over, but the chemistry we had that way was definitely near the top of the charts and that definitely gets in the way of logic and what is true. I find myself daydreaming about that stuff and that sucks too. But its mostly because we want them and miss them. I really want the relationship where the sex is good but our feelings and respect for each other make the sex even better. Thats my dream anyway. Besides, the sex will get old eventually, it happens to everyone....and then there better be somethine else there to keep the relationship going.

 

But with this breakup in particular, for me, its not just about missing him.....something small broke in me about myself, a little of self esteem, a little of this and that as well and I need to heal myself. I am still arguing with friends that maybe this was my fault and maybe I came on too strong....yet Agent, I can almost 100% tell you I IN NO WAY DID. Maybe to him I did, because he realized he didn't want to deal with jack s**t, but in the grand scheme of normalcy, I did nothing pushy. I made a list yesterday of the whole time we dated and I put a star next to each time he didn't call when he said he would or didn't follow thru with a plan and there was about 9 stars. I only asked about 2 of them....so tell me that wasn't me trying to go with the flow. It helped to write that list. Its been 2 weeks since I tried to make a peaceful closure with him and he obviously didn't even consider me for that....I can't wait till I don't think of him or miss him anymore....or the day that IF he were to call me, it still wouldn't matter. UGH.

[Agent M]

Possibly it might help to let yourself off the hook as far as whether you were being pushy or not is concerned. Because, pushy or not, you were somewhat true to yourself. In other words, even if you were pushy, it doesn't matter. You are who you are and you will find someone who values that and that you gel with. When my ex went on vaca for 3 wks. to Fla., I had a bad sinus infection, I was miserable, couldn't do anything, and it rained the whole time. I expected to hear from him every or every other night or so, as previos to that he called me every night. He had to borrow phones to call me, and as vaca went on, I felt like he didn't care about me b/c he wasn't calling as much as I would have liked. So I CALLED HIM one night and said something like, Where have you been?? I haven't heard from you....and then I said I really need to hear from him every night. Well, the people he was staying with were there and he got embarrassed and frightened. I could hear his voice shaking.....that was the beginning (or maybe the middle) of the end. He couldn't deal with responsibility and reliability, and I needed a sure thing, some security in my life. But my point in telling you this is that I was true to myself, I needed that at the time, and he couldn't provide it. He couldn't meet my needs, and still can't. I'm not the casual, see you when ever you get here or when it's convenient for you, I like to know he'll be there. I think by that point he was getting turned off anyway, because I had had that sinus infection for a while and I wasn't giving him all the attention he wanted. I also couldn't exercise as much as he wanted, or go do all the things he wanted at the time. So, he didn't want me to be a "bitch", he wanted me to be totally into him. I was seeing a therapist at the time who said, verbatim, If he can't support you through this, kick him to the curb. And he couldn't....far from it.

 

So, I have mellowed out some, but that's b/c I'm well again, but I want to honor who I am. If YOU like a punctual man who stands behind his promises, honor that. You probably would have gone through a lot more misery like I did (i.e. him being passive aggressive and never really telling you he wasn't into you, just acting in a way to push you away while you were the slave to all these awful emotions). There are also other people on this site who have gone through very similar circumstances and have written to me to say, the sooner you get out, the better.

 

I was reading more in that book last night. It seems I'm a "sensor", but also a "focuser". What this means is that I have a low threshold of arousal (get bored easily) and am prone to situations in which the excitement level is high b/c it makes me feel alive again. Hence, problematic relationships. Does this happen to you?? I will be reading more on how to solve the problem...

[swirly27]

I know, I really try and tell myself that better this happened now, instead of many many more months of this when it would have twisted me up more. I guess I just keep wondering if THIS is how he really is all the time or was he going thru a bad time or what....but whatever the case, all he had to do was talk a little to me, and I would have gone more with the flow.....at least if he was talking or not blowing things off, there wouldn't have been things to talk about. And, its not like I was getting hurt and insecure because he burped on the phone or wore purple underwear HAHAHA it was over things that almost any girl would have taken offense to....gosh, when I tell my friends, they think I'm nuts for thinking that I was nuts. haha

 

The trouble I have now is dealing with my friend. She asked me today on IM if something was wrong because she can sense that something is off....and she's right, but I am not sure what to say or what not to say. I don't want to overreact and be over sensitive and I definitely don't want to get into an argument.....but I want to be honest too....so we'll see.

 

I just keep feeling like what I am doing wrong??? Ugh, I guess most single people do feel that way huh at some time or another. I do just want to be myself and have someone love me for being none other than that......but I'm knocked down a little right now, so I am second guessing everything I am doing or how I perceive things. I emailed this guy who messaged me on Myspace the other day and basically told him off....HAHA.....he was 37 and hitting on me on Myspace and I am not on there for dating, but whatever, and he tried to make 2 sexual comments....I let the first one go but after the second, I let him have it. haha, that felt good.

[Agent M]

I had a falling out with a long time friend over my ex, and this is how I handled it: She called, I told her how I felt, I told her how hurt I was, all she said was huh, over and over. She didn't apologize, she didn't take any responsibility for her involvement, but we hung up somewhat amicably. She called me a few times and left messages, I called and left her messages when I knew she wouldn't be home, and then it just faded out (which is what I wanted). If I were to see her, we would be friendly, but I think it is clear to her that I really don't want to be close to her anymore. If she had really understood and told me that, apologized, and told me how much she loves and supports me (like I would have done) things would be different. She hasn't called me lately, I haven't called her, and I'm a slight slight bit bummed, but I feel like I made the healthy decision to back off. If she wanted to do something once in a while that would be OK, but this is fine too. Funny, I can do this with girlfriends but not with guys.

 

I don't think there is anything you did wrong, from the sounds of it. And I really don't think there's anything I did "wrong", he and I just weren't a match (and, frankly, he was a jerk in many ways). I have learned some things about myself, that's the best part. I was feeling like you today, so I did one of those sheets and I started with the thought that "I could have prevented this" and ended with the rationale, "Even though there were some changes I could have made, I did everything I could to contribute to the relationship in a positive way, even though I was sick. He couldn't support me emotionally or communicate his needs to me." There you go!

[swirly27]

I really want to try and not have a falling out with this friend because we share EVERYTHING. She just knows me very well and can sense something is off. I want to be honest and tell her how I feel but part of me needs to sort that out first cause I don't want to be taking out my sadness on her either just because she is his friend.....I think a part of me is jealous that she can still talk to him and have a friendship with him and he doesn't think she's nuts....but i wasn't worth a response...but thats not her fault, thats his. She called tonight and we talked about everything else but her and I. We may still talk more, her phone died. But she does love me and I love her. I don't want to argue and the last time I went thru a horrible breakup, she was wonderful, one of the people I counted on. She is one of those people though that can get preachy with this topic, like she thinks she knows what she would do cause she went thru a bad break up once......but she's not me and she only ever went thru ONE breakup....I dealt with multiples and I am single and independent for a long time...she doesn't understand how that can affect a person. I don't her expect her to, but she assumes she knows how I feel and I don't like that.

 

I really do hate Agent that we keep faulting ourselves because something didn't work that we wanted to sooo bad. I'm sure wife beaters out there aren't blaming themselves for the horrible things they do, yet we sit here and blame ourselves for wanting some things that should be expected. This just twists up my perception of what really works because it truly seems like if you play the game and don't wholly give your heart, then the guy wants you....but then is that real? UGH The main regret I have is if this is not how he usually is and was just going thru crap, could I have tolerated some more time with him, maybe I could have just backed off a bit, blown him off a bit, seen what happened....but I'm sure I am only saying that now because I miss him....how I acted is how I acted because its how I felt. But I do miss him and today I shed a few tears for some reason, but it felt good. It just hurts now and again to think he said, jokingly or not, that I was nuts....I thought he liked me so much, so for him to say that just really hurts....even if it was just BS. I just wonder if he misses me at all or if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

On a good note, I got my hair done today, so that felt good. I am joining a new gym on thurs, figure I'll try it for a month, I am sporatic with working out so I don't want to waste money. I also plan to treat myself to a spa treatment here soon....not sure what yet. Anything to feel better right! Hope your feeling better after making your list!

[Agent M]

I really want to try and not have a falling out with this friend because we share EVERYTHING. She just knows me very well and can sense something is off. I want to be honest and tell her how I feel but part of me needs to sort that out first cause I don't want to be taking out my sadness on her either just because she is his friend.....I think a part of me is jealous that she can still talk to him and have a friendship with him and he doesn't think she's nuts....but i wasn't worth a response...but thats not her fault, thats his. She called tonight and we talked about everything else but her and I. We may still talk more, her phone died. But she does love me and I love her. I don't want to argue and the last time I went thru a horrible breakup, she was wonderful, one of the people I counted on. She is one of those people though that can get preachy with this topic, like she thinks she knows what she would do cause she went thru a bad break up once......but she's not me and she only ever went thru ONE breakup....I dealt with multiples and I am single and independent for a long time...she doesn't understand how that can affect a person. I don't her expect her to, but she assumes she knows how I feel and I don't like that.

 

I really do hate Agent that we keep faulting ourselves because something didn't work that we wanted to sooo bad. I'm sure wife beaters out there aren't blaming themselves for the horrible things they do, yet we sit here and blame ourselves for wanting some things that should be expected. This just twists up my perception of what really works because it truly seems like if you play the game and don't wholly give your heart, then the guy wants you....but then is that real? UGH The main regret I have is if this is not how he usually is and was just going thru crap, could I have tolerated some more time with him, maybe I could have just backed off a bit, blown him off a bit, seen what happened....but I'm sure I am only saying that now because I miss him....how I acted is how I acted because its how I felt. But I do miss him and today I shed a few tears for some reason, but it felt good. It just hurts now and again to think he said, jokingly or not, that I was nuts....I thought he liked me so much, so for him to say that just really hurts....even if it was just BS. I just wonder if he misses me at all or if I'll ever hear from him again.

 

On a good note, I got my hair done today, so that felt good. I am joining a new gym on thurs, figure I'll try it for a month, I am sporatic with working out so I don't want to waste money. I also plan to treat myself to a spa treatment here soon....not sure what yet. Anything to feel better right! Hope your feeling better after making your list!

 

Yes, and I went shopping today and that made me feel good. I need to get a trim soon as well.

 

Possibly it would be a good idea to wait a little while and let things mellow out with your friend before you say anything. That will give you time to feel more comfortable and identify how you really feel. As far as your friend and the jealousy you feel that he is friends with her....it's totally possible that if SHE were the one that went out with him, the tables would be turned. This guy doesn't sound so great to me.

 

It is tough to deal with the fact that the guy just doesn't care. I think this is the first time I really felt that to the core. But that's his issue, not mine. I can certainly imagine a much better guy (can't you?) and if I can imagine him, I know he's out there.

 

I hate the way this sounds, but you mentioned the game playing and yes, it is rampant. I think I even engaged in some in this relationship. I became way more into him when he wasn't into me and vice versa. NO, I don't want that, but it's that element of excitement. I'd like to meet someone and just be attracted to them based on who they are. It's not real affection when there are games involved. Those who are a challenge usually are not worth the challenge.

[swirly27]

I agree, I am trying to just avoid talking about this stuff about him with the friend. But, she brought it up yesterday but last night we never did talk about it. If she continues to bring it up, I will have to decide how I proceed. One of the things that really hurt my feelings is there were a couple times where her and I were discussing him and I get emotional and was downing on myself and blowing steam and she gets cocky with me, telling me I am twisting words he said or what not....well excuse me but I don't think I need her getting cocky with me...yet she said nothing negative to him......we are really really close so I also know she got emotional because I was tearing myself up, but her yelling at me is not the answer. She apologized and I am very ultra-sensitive so I don't forget things....but because this all revolves around a guy that I am still hurting over, I will probably still hurt over her reactions and words too. So, for the time being, I am just trying to let it go when it comes to her. If she keeps bringing it up, I'll have to see how I want to proceed. Yeah, I also know for a fact that if it were SHE that went out with him, she would have been annoyed at all the same stuff....and she says that she would, but she still has this attitude like she thinks she would have handled it differently....I don't know if that sounds confusing. lol

 

I can imagine a much better guy that does care and wouldn't do that. Its just now I have to get over this and stop dwelling. I am doing better, trying not to dwell AS MUCH, but it comes in phases now and last night for some reason I did cry. I still do miss him.....but I also still hurt for feeling like I wasn't even worth a response or explanation. I need to get back to being happy with myself and right now, I am not too happy so I just need to work on that. It'll just take some time I guess.

 

 

I do hate games, but they are true. I am sure part of the reason I am so upset by this is the fact that he disappeared and doesn't want me......I don't just go looking for A-holes that don't want me and fall for them, haha, so I am upset about HIM.....but the fact that he can just disappear, it hurts the ego too and the ego wants what it can't have. It also hurts the ego thinking that he doesn't care about me or miss me at all. But that will go away with time too. I hate that it'll be awhile until I am completely healed from this, but thats what time is. I don't want someone that only wants me if I am not available either....but I could/should have just held back a tad with him maybe...not as a 'game' really but if I knew he had issues with his family, especially his mom, and a horrible relationship before, I shouldn't have gotten so emotionally involved....but then again, he was the one pursuing so I had no reason to think he would spook himself or back off. You just can't win. Proceed with caution is what I've learned from this....thought I learned it before but I guess not. lol

[Guest]

Swirly....

 

Please continue to tell yourself that he was on the rebound and typically rebounders talk the talk yet leave immediately when action is required...........this has nothing to do with you and you should be thankful. The only thing you needed to be more cognizant of was letting your feelings get more involved knowing he had a recent bad breakup................

[swirly27]

Swirly....

 

Please continue to tell yourself that he was on the rebound and typically rebounders talk the talk yet leave immediately when action is required...........this has nothing to do with you and you should be thankful. The only thing you needed to be more cognizant of was letting your feelings get more involved knowing he had a recent bad breakup................

 

Guest,

 

I guess its hard for me to just accept this because this would be too easy of an explanation for me. I know that him and his ex broke up over a year ago and I CAN grasp that he obviously wasn't over past issues, that I can understand. But I keep thinking 'What if it was me?'....what if I hear that next week he met someone and is in a serious relationship within a month? If I knew somehow that I was purely a rebound, that would actually make me feel better....in a way. I'd be pissed that he used one of his good friend's girl friends to use as a rebound, but I'd feel better, like it wasn't me then that screwed this up. But no matter what the reason is, he still didn't feel I was even worth an explanation....or that I was worth telling he'd be right over and actually come over. That hurts.....plus, he didn't even have the balls to end it himself, I even asked if thats what he wanted, very (fakingly lol) positively and acted like that would be ok if thats how he felt...he still had no balls. All of this should make me realize I should be happy this happened now....but when things aren't working out with guys as I get older, I can't help but wonder, what am I doing wrong? Its my own issue I guess I have to deal with.

[Agent M]

In my experience, sometimes when people get an attitude or get cocky, it's because they don't know how else to handle the situation. Some people have had this behavior modeled for them at home all their lives and so that's how they end up dealing with things. This may or may not be true for your friend. I do think however, that it's a little insensitive of her.

 

Sometimes it's hard to face the fact that some people just aren't very nice or are insensitive (referring now to your ex). Sometimes people don't even realize how disrespectful their behavior really is. And I think if "Guest" is right, well then you're totally off the hook....and so am I, b/c my ex started dating me then promptly broke up with his g/f of 3 years. Now he says he never really processed through it. Could be true. I know, it feels bad anyway, but it IS a good explanation.

 

Yeah, you're right, you just can't win. Don't be mad at yourself for not knowing what game to play, it is what it is, for a good reason that may reveal itself later. I have made an agreement with myself not to overtrust or overinvest up front.

 

On a lighter note, I went swimming today at the lake where the ex lives. He wasn't around thankfully, but his friend was. The friend is somewhat new to me. He asked me if I wanted to go out and play pool with him tomorrow, so I'm going to stop by the place where he's going after work and check it out. Even just as friends. He's a lot younger than me and not someone I'd normally date, but I've had to scale back and lower all my standards, or just change them or I'll never get out of this rut. Anyway, it felt good to have someone be interested in me after being rejected in so many different forms by my ex. I don't feel like such the leper now.

[swirly27]

I know, I guess I am just such a compassionate person that when my friend got snippy with me, it blew me away because I am the one with the broken heart here and she's getting snippy....UNCALLED for....but she felt bad and apologized saying that she is just emotional cause I was really beating myself down. Also, being so compassionate, I can't believe that this jerk wouldn't understand how hurtful it is to blow someone off like that. Like, I technically ended things, but he did too by just blowing me off like that over that weekend.....so I almost feel like I got dumped. lol

 

If he wasn't over stuff with his ex, I wish he could have just had a conversation with me about it....maybe not even in that much detail but friggin SOMETHING. Ugh, and I called psychics again last night....thats 3 now that I've talked to....hahaha, I think I just want to talk about it and I pay some money and some psychic tells me stuff and it keeps me busy.

 

I think I am so mad at myself too cause I thought I learned lessons after my last heartbreak, 2 yrs ago. I thought I wouldn't trust so quickly and get involved easily again and I'd take it extra slow - I am usually such a slow started with guys, taking awhile till I am comfortable - but 2 yrs ago I met a guy online and we chatted for 2 months before I would agree to meet him. Then we dated for another 2 months and it was WONDERFUL - one day he asked for this to be going somewhere and the very next day he ended it. Boy was that a horrible breakup - worst ever. I thought he was the one, as gay as that sounds, I really did. So I thought I learned from that one - then find myself trusting too soon and getting too excited again - I guess this time because he was friends with my friends and I trusted everything I heard about him, but they don't know him to date him. It just sucks.

 

Agent that is great for you that you had a great day and met someone to take your mind off things, even if only as a new friend. I wish I could be distracted, but I can't right now. I have a ton of friends and hanging out with them is great and talking to some of them is great. This forum helps me alot each day as well, especially while I am at work. But my ex wanted me back after this break up and I wanted nothing to do with him, some guy hit on me on Myspace, made me feel BLAH....it just sucks. Whats funny is all the psychics are telling me I will hear from this guy again but it will be a little while and they all say they see me and him being far from done and committments with us in the future. Makes me kinda laugh, but 3 different psychics said the same thing....haha. The last time I talked to a psychic was about a guy I was dating last year and she was DEAD ON, it was kinda scary. I haven't been able to get her again yet though. Overall, I am doing good, going to work, interacting with friends, acting more like my old self....but my heart and mind are still really hurt and I still miss him alot. I guess it'll just take more time.

[Agent M]

That may be true, your friend is just upset b/c she sees you so down and out. i'm glad she apologized.

 

Yeah, i feel like I got dumped too. Definitely. And then when I went back to talk with him, he said he sees no future for us. There's twice. And I think he reiterated it once or twice more on different occasions. Whatever. It's just too bad he doesn't see the good in me. I thought of sending him an email just to say something like, I know there's no future for us, just wanted us to deal with some personal issues we have and move on, (in other words saving my pride) but then I thought, Maybe I should just let it go. I had a hard time sleeping last night b/c I think the swimming in his town triggered some emotions and the flood gates opened. Guess I need to stay out of there. Hey, I have a question: If you agree to be friends with someone, but you never just casually run into each other, then what are the unspoken expectations regarding when you'll see each other? I had said, lets get together once in awhile, so what should I expect?

 

It may be that your ex didn't realize his feelings about his previous breakup, therefore he didn't communicate those to you b/c he wasn't sure himself. a lot of times guys are out of thouch with how they feel.

 

Why did you refuse to go back to the ex that suddenly broke up with you? Just curious.....

 

I always dive head first into relationships, not looking, b/c I'm adventurous and up for the fun. But, I may have to be a little more careful now too....hence that list of 40 questions I made....I hear you when you mention being careful...I've always trusted too soon.

 

Interesting what the psychics told you. I had called some as well....2 told me we were meant to be together, that he was my soul mate, and don't break up with him, one told me he is a taker, not a giver, I'm doing all the work in the relationship, he doesn't want a committment, and he's a loser on so many levels, and the last one told me a bunch of what I felt was true stuff about him and his comm. style, blah, blah, blah, and that he blew me off to show he doesn't care. So, I went screaming mad and told him off and broke up with him b/c by then he'd driven me crazy and he had it coming!! So...it'll be interesting to see if your guy comes around, as forecasted.

 

these breakups do take a long time to get over, but what bothers me is the cyclical nature of them...like one day you're fine, the next not, etc. It's been 2.5 mos. for me and yuck.

[swirly27]

I would definitely think if you were feeling yucky last night after swimming in his town, maybe it would be best to not go there. Also, because you met someone last night and this guy wasn't your ex, that might have left you feeling weird too. Last year, I went on two dates and they went well but I knew I didn't want to go out again....when I got home from each one, I felt kinda yucky, like ugh. Its natural though.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to confuse with saying my ex wanted me back after this breakup. I dated a guy last year for a bit and I ended things with him, cause I just wasn't wanting what he wanted. We had some issues here and there but still kept in touch and when he found out I was dating this new guy, he wanted me back bad. I just remained friendly and told him I wasn't interested. When me and this new guy broke up, that other ex wanted me back. Sorry for the confusion. But even with someone else out there wanting me and other people hitting on me, it doesn't make me feel better. It never did, even with other breakups. I guess I should feel good knowing that other people find me attractive or think I'm a great girl, but it didn't help when I was hurting.

 

I usually never dive head first, but not by choice....I am usually very shy and cautious with guys....if I don't like them, thats easy then, I know I am not interested. But if I am attracted and like them somewhat, I always get uncomfortable....yet as a person in general, I am very outgoing and always like meeting new people. But when it comes to guys, guys I like, I get shy. Its a matter of being uncomfortable and nervous and I think walls too. This guy got past my walls very easily because he had such good references AND I liked him AND was attracted to him AND we clicked. I shouldn't have let down my guard so easily.

 

I do hate the nature of breakups, the good and the bad ups and downs. I would suggest Agent that you not send your guy an email. I know I don't 'know' this guy or you personally but it just seems like you have given so much and have tried so much and he doesn't seem to give a rats ass....so his GREAT loss and don't waste anymore energy on him (at least that he can see). Like you said lets be friends and get together once in awhile....he agreed right? But I bet he just said that cause it was easy to say. Real friends do call each other to see how each other is doing and hang out. What he really is saying is 'Yeah, you can call me and maybe we'll hang out if I feel like it that day...but you have to do the asking'. So screw him! Thats not a friend. Unless he is calling you to see whats up, I would expect nothing!

 

Do you feel alot better thought since 2.5 months ago? Whats weird is I haven't actually seen him for a month..but it was 3 1/2 weeks since I ended it and it feels like just yesterday.....but I am not depressed like I was the first 2 weeks, so that is better, but I am still sad. I have cut down 'some' on my non stop smoking too. I am just trying to heal. I want to get back to being happy with myself. I thought I was, but maybe I wasn't, who knows.

[swirly27]

I am just posting again, cause it keeps me sane! haha

So today is friday, long holiday weekend. I hope to keep pretty busy, as I have off until wednesday. I hope alot of moping is not in store. But this week has been hard, as its been an emotional one (haha, not to mention that time of the month hahaha) so that doesn't help with the hormones. I guess I made it thru pretty good.

 

Agent, I hope your weekend is funfilled and busy. How are things going with the new guy you met? No word from the ex I imagine?

 

I talked to another psychic last night, the one I used to talk to before who was soooo DEAD ON - she said the same thing again about my ex, that we will be back together, but it will be a sloooowwww process - she said I'd hear from him in september. It makes me laugh kinda, cause I listen with half a mind, but it would be funny if things worked out that way, but who knows.

 

It just helps to write on here, so I just wanted to post this. I guess I am feeling better, A TAD, with each week, but not enough that I feel like I'll stop thinking about it entirely anytime soon. UGH!

[Agent M]

Oh Lordddd....

 

My new date showed up at the pool hall with my ex. ****. I guess he never knew anything about the relationship, and he didn't tell the ex he was meetimg me. Whoa. I just went with the flow. The new guy was being VERY friendly, and the ex was being quite friendly. i was just trying to be. Yikes.

 

Today I drove to my ex's town to find the new guy (he usu. hangs out at the lake), and even though he said last night he'd probably see me tomorrow (today), when he showed up he walked the other way. I think he was probably embarrassed about the night before (he got pretty tanked). i said hi, and he was really mellow, like nothing ever happened. I wanted to take the canoe out and go fishing with him, but he said he was going out to eat with his dad (true). So, thinking the ex was still interested in me b/c that's how he was acting the night before (sort of), I went to his house to borrow the paddles. he was like oh, hey, ho hum, here they are, then his friend pulled in to pick him up and they were going out to eat then out partying somewhere. They didn't ask me to go, and I felt like such a dumb ass, and I never took the canoe out afterwards. I better just stay the hell out of there!! Forget both those guys! Am I stupid or what?

 

In the 2.5 mos., I do feel somewhat better. I think the reason I'm not farther along is b/c I keep seeing him. I'm going to just try to stay away. He's also leaving to go back to Hawaii in about a month, but he's said that a few times before and it didn't happen. i wish he would go. The first psychic I spoke with said she didn't see him leaving this year at all. I really wish he would go, it would make the pain a lot easier....you know, all that "he's out having fun and I'm suffering stuff". So stupid.

 

Strange what those psychics are telling you....that's really kinda cool. Maybe things WILL work out. I tell you, I can't believe that my ex isn't still into me, for some reason I just can't get it through my head. he tends to back off though, when he knows he's going far away (trying to protect his feelings). I guess I just gotta start acting like he doesn't care, whether he does or not.

 

Isn't this a bitch??

 

Sorry all about me this time.

[swirly27]

Agent, no its good to hear more of your story. It makes me feel like time and time again how we're sooo not alone and if we help each other talk things out, thats only a good thing.

 

Sorry to hear it was weird when you hung out with the new guy, but yet the ex was acting quite nice too. What sucks about that is your ex acting all nicey probably created a flutter in your belly yet nothing came of it the next day, except you said you felt dumb asking him for the paddles and they didn't ask you to hang out....so then it sucks for you feeling like an ass....cause you still care so much. That probably is why you said you still feel weird, cause you keep seeing him. For me it is probably best I don't see my ex, but it still hurts too.

 

Last night I went out with friends to a club/bar around here and I knew it'd be weird cause my ex and I met there this summer and went there alot to dance....but overall I had a good time. 2 guys hit on me and lots of friends were out and I had fun, but it was weird. I dreamt about the ex, which sucked and for some reason today was VERY emotional. But the good thing was I had a long crying conversation with my gf that is friends with the ex and it was good. I must have needed a good cry cause it poured out and we talked and I explained more of my feelings, especially why as I get older and go thru more breakups, it only gets harder. She still doesn't know what it feels like for me, but I think she understands better. You only REALLY understand when you go thru it, but it helped. There is a party next month that she hopes I go to cause the ex will be there DJ'ing and she thinks it'd be great for me to go and act casual and test it....so we'll see how I feel then. According to my psychic, I'll be hearing from him this month. Maybe if I do, I'll go to this party next month.

 

I am sooooo tired now from crying so good today, but whatever helps. Even though this past week was emotional, things are getting better. My gf said how when she first met me, 5 yrs ago, I was always 'I'll meet a guy when I meet a guy and I'll marry when I meet the right guy' and she notices how now, I am more upset about these relationships and I tried to explain its because I am at a point in my life where I'd like to meet THAT guy and have a serious relationship.....but not just with ANYBODY....someone I genuinely feel sparks for and all the other great stuff and respect and all that. I don't want to be married just to be married....I want the real deal. Its just I'm not 24 anymore where I feel like I was soooo young....I'm 29 now and things are different....thats the part she'll never understand. So, it was an emotional day but a good one.

 

Are u still going to hang out with the new guy? I would think if it causes awkwardness, try to not hang out in that area where your ex is. Maybe you need NO contact for awhile cause having the random contact here and there might be hindering things for you. Everytime you see or talk to him, its never satisfying or fulfilling, so it breaks a little piece of you each time. No contact might be beneficial, even though this wasn't planned or you making the contact, maybe staying away from that area would be helpful....and maybe your ex would miss you after awhile. Cause the way I see it, IF IF IF these ex's are EVER going to miss us, it'll be when we're not there, TIME has gone by and they realize sh*t on their own. If it doesn't happen, we deserve better anyway.

[Agent M]

Yeah, i decided to stay away from both the guys now, b/c they both live in the same small town, and I can't risk running into the ex if I'm looking for the new guy. Oh well. If I see him around where I live, then that's cool, but he still reminds me of the ex, and that's not cool. We'll see.

 

Yes, you're right, every time I see him or talk to him it's never satisfying or fulfilling, so it breaks a little piece of me each time. Well put. Who needs it?? I owe him a big 3 dollars from the other night (I ran out of money and he was not too happy to loan me the money at the end of the night, probably 'cause he thinks he'll never get it back), so I thought of sending a letter. With the letter I would enclose the money, and write, "Don't know if (or should I say "when") I'll see you again, so here is the money I owe you. Thanks." What do you think, "if" or "when"? I want to send it b/c he gets mad when people owe him money.

 

I'm glad you had fun at the club, that sounds like a good time. And two guys hit on you....that's always good for the ego. And it sounds like you're feeling better about your g/f after having that long talk, that's an improvement too. This party next month, whoa, hopefully he does contact you beforehand. I think I would be nervous. I went to some festivals where the ex was a while back, and we didn't talk, but I was a nervous wreck. However, if you just act casual and try to take it casually, just enjoy yourself and never mind him, that would be the best tact and the most effective one too. You're already going through the worst part, so that will be somewhat behind you. I really wonder if what the psychic said is true!

 

I've been reading some books, and one of them was saying how problems have many masks, and if you can just look into the heart of the matter, you will see that it actually boils down to one problem, instead of many. I took a look at my sit., and I could see that actually none of this has to do with the ex himself, but some of the attitudes I carry. Pretty interesting.