Baffled!!

[swirly27]

Well maybe thats the best thing then to avoid both boys, same area....especially if the new guy just reminds you of your ex. Breakups are hard enough without adding extra reminders, and you still have healing to do so maybe just getting thru this all the way and keeping busy and meeting new people that don't remind you of your ex is best. lol

 

Hmmm, as for the $3....you say he is big on people owing him money...but could this possibly be another way for you to communicate with him and 'hope' somewhere deep inside that he'll either contact you back or think better of you for doing this?? I'd probably be thinking the same way as you, paying him back....but since I am not you feeling your pain for him, this is how I see it - leave it be. Its not a grand amount of money, he'll get over it and for the way he treated you or ducked out, he owed you anyway. lol You already know you're a great person and he probably won't appreciate the payback anyway, so don't even sweat it. So my advice to you would be not to send him anything, letter or money. I know its hard though...

 

Yeah, what sucks for me is having 2 guys hitting on me really didn't make me feel better. Its just a BIG reminder that these guys are just out for a piece of a$$ and its a bar and its not my ex....so that always sucks. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, it helps a TAD. As for that party next month, I don't know what I'll do. I can probably go and ACT like its not bothering me at all....but I too will be a nervous wreck and it WILL bother me and I may not be able to stay long, but maybe going will be a good thing. I just don't think he'll give a rats a$$, but we'll see. Whats weird is one of the psychics said that there would be a function that I would go to because of one of his guy friends and that I should go and act casual...and this function is a party that his guy friend and his wife have every year, so thats kinda weird huh. Who knows though.

 

So these books you're reading, what are thinking is the issue with yourself as to the situation regarding your ex? That sounds interesting....like we have issues with ourselves and thats why we are so upset over these men or how we handled the situations?? Sorry, I am just curious. I love to read about this stuff but haven't really gotten to the book store yet and sometimes I don't feel like digging into myself, at least in a book. I see my therapist again this week so I am looking forward to that. I am a healthy person and I think I already know whats going on with me, its just knowing that I still hurt and miss him and that it will be awhile until I feel up to dating again. But my dad is still pushing the dating service and I gave him the name of it because he wants to negotiate with them and wants to share in the cost as an early xmas gift he says! HAHAHA This should be fun! UGH.

 

Today I am going to a little town fair thingy with my gf and hopefully get something good to eat. Then I hope to veg tonight or visit my other gf who I couldn't live without sometimes so hopefully this dreary day doesn't bring me down like yesterday did. It has been over a month since I have seen him and almost a month since I have talked to him. Its a little better but not over yet, my heartache. UGH. Only time....

I hope your day is good today. I'll be back on later tonight!!

[Agent M]

Well maybe thats the best thing then to avoid both boys, same area....especially if the new guy just reminds you of your ex. Breakups are hard enough without adding extra reminders, and you still have healing to do so maybe just getting thru this all the way and keeping busy and meeting new people that don't remind you of your ex is best. lol

 

Hmmm, as for the $3....you say he is big on people owing him money...but could this possibly be another way for you to communicate with him and 'hope' somewhere deep inside that he'll either contact you back or think better of you for doing this?? I'd probably be thinking the same way as you, paying him back....but since I am not you feeling your pain for him, this is how I see it - leave it be. Its not a grand amount of money, he'll get over it and for the way he treated you or ducked out, he owed you anyway. lol You already know you're a great person and he probably won't appreciate the payback anyway, so don't even sweat it. So my advice to you would be not to send him anything, letter or money. I know its hard though...

 

Yeah, what sucks for me is having 2 guys hitting on me really didn't make me feel better. Its just a BIG reminder that these guys are just out for a piece of a$$ and its a bar and its not my ex....so that always sucks. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, it helps a TAD. As for that party next month, I don't know what I'll do. I can probably go and ACT like its not bothering me at all....but I too will be a nervous wreck and it WILL bother me and I may not be able to stay long, but maybe going will be a good thing. I just don't think he'll give a rats a$$, but we'll see. Whats weird is one of the psychics said that there would be a function that I would go to because of one of his guy friends and that I should go and act casual...and this function is a party that his guy friend and his wife have every year, so thats kinda weird huh. Who knows though.

 

So these books you're reading, what are thinking is the issue with yourself as to the situation regarding your ex? That sounds interesting....like we have issues with ourselves and thats why we are so upset over these men or how we handled the situations?? Sorry, I am just curious. I love to read about this stuff but haven't really gotten to the book store yet and sometimes I don't feel like digging into myself, at least in a book. I see my therapist again this week so I am looking forward to that. I am a healthy person and I think I already know whats going on with me, its just knowing that I still hurt and miss him and that it will be awhile until I feel up to dating again. But my dad is still pushing the dating service and I gave him the name of it because he wants to negotiate with them and wants to share in the cost as an early xmas gift he says! HAHAHA This should be fun! UGH. So yes, it sounds like I should skip sending the money.

 

Weird what the psychic said about the party. I had a psychic forecast the same kind of thing and it did come true (with my ex). She was dead on. i would also agree with just acting casual....yo sound like you would anyway, you don't sound like a risk taker in this dept., you've been really good about not contacting him and the like. I didn't contact for 2 mos., then saw him at a function and that's when I broke. Be careful.

 

Today I am going to a little town fair thingy with my gf and hopefully get something good to eat. Then I hope to veg tonight or visit my other gf who I couldn't live without sometimes so hopefully this dreary day doesn't bring me down like yesterday did. It has been over a month since I have seen him and almost a month since I have talked to him. Its a little better but not over yet, my heartache. UGH. Only time....

I hope your day is good today. I'll be back on later tonight!!

 

I guess I didn't want to piss him off by not paying him back, so I thought I'd send it and be done with it. But, there is a part of me that's like, maybe if i word the note the right way he'll wonder what's going on and be interested. Stupid again. For some reason I just CAN'T get it through my head that the guy just isn't interested!! I can't believe it...b/c I have a lot to offer, we shared common interests, blah, blah, blah, how could he look all that in the face and authentically say NO? I guess I need to stop hoping it'll change. Uggh!

 

The book is saying that it's our own issues that are holding us back. I tried to go really deep and honestly into what is making me tic, and what I came up with is three real feelings that may be the reasons why I am holding on this way. I noticed that I do have a pattern in relationships. Here are the things: 1. I'm bored 2. Still trying to prove that I'm worthy of Dad's love 3. Fear or anger (an irrational feeling of "If he doesn't love me, then I'll die"). Number 2 comes from having a moody dad who I was always trying to "win over"...I guess I'm still living out that dynamic, I just don't know why it's stuck around so long. My Dad is totally different now, and i really love and trust him before anyone else! Number 3 is just a deep down feeling that took a long time to dredge up. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel deep deep down inside.

 

I'm also reading another book about Fear, it's so good so far. The author goes into feeling powerful instead of painful, and she gives you a lot of "fear truths" like, If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?" B/c often we are afraid that we can't handle what comes our way.

 

It's raining here too...I also live in the Northeast. Chat with you later!

[Agent M]

Ok, this is strange but a paragraph of my reply to you ended up in the quote part of your original letter. The paragraph starts with...Weird what the psychic said about the party....Strange!

[swirly27]

Well, this day is almost over. It was ok. Went to a fair thing and of course I found reminders of him because I was closer to his area, but didn't see him, but him and I went to a fair before and had such a great time, but whatever. Oh well. One thing I did find out was that party next month might not even be happening.....isn't it strange though that the psychic brought it up, only to have it not happen. Hmmmm

 

Its funny you say that I would probably be able to act casual anyway because of not being a risk take.....I WISH! hahaha I would be a NERVOUS WRECK and I would probably be ok not really talking to him and acting like I was having a good time, maybe even casually saying hi and jetting quick.....but I usually am always the one that will take risks and say screw it because I care and its how I feel. I think its because of 2 reasons that I have not broke and contacted him more....well maybe three....one of which because I am not drinking....I am a drunk dialer and don't wanna be, so I haven't drank at all. But, the last guy that crushed my heart, I tried to not be friends, tried NC and I couldn't do it and I tried to be friends, then I got hurt more cause we hooked up once more and I said all these mean things and texted and called like crazy and then I felt crazy....and thats a horrible feeling. But this time, even though it is killing me, I called once and left a nice vm and he never responded....only he knows why, but I tried and I am trying to be sensitive and the caring person that I am, but also know that I deserve better than for me to keep contacting him. He ignored my attempt and anymore that I'd do would make me feel worse....mainly though cause I have friends that are his friends and I don't want to come across as crazy or the girl that can't get past it. Maybe if him and I had been together longer, I wouldn't care, but a month and a half of dating, I just can't bring myself to make anymore attempts....but my drunken self would make up a good reason and thats why I can't drink for awhile. lol

 

So did you decide to not sent the letter with the money? I hope so. I know you are trying to do the nice right thing but also hope something you say or do will trigger something and I hope you know or believe that he doesn't deserve it. I too have the minor feelings of that if he doesn't like me, its gonna kill me. I KNOW thats not the case, but it really really hurts when someone you care about doesn't feel that back....its hurt ANYONE out there, no matter what. I am realizing that it hurts ME more because I am ready to find someone special and when I feel like I met someone that could be special, and then it goes bad, as I get older it just hurts more. When I am single and independent like I am, I am happy but always a little lonely and want to find someone to share my life with....but I am not out looking, just always in the back of my head that I'd like to.....so it happens when I am not looking and I got way too excited about it. I need to put some guards back up....I wish I would have had them up with him....but wishing won't change anything now. Don't know why this weekend was so sucky with feeling down and having some tears shed. Oh well, ups and downs.

 

Your book sounds very interesting. Whats funny for me is usually when I meet a guy, I do have alot of walls up and don't get comfortable for awhile and don't like the guy trying so hard cause it usually makes me back off.....but it was different with this guy. The last guy I really felt for I liked rather quickly too but I still wouldn't meet him for 2 months, so it was slower. This moved quicker because the attraction was there and I had heard soooo much stuff about him beforehand, so I need to learn not to do that again. But thats not even the problem with my case.....I think him and I would still be dating if I hadn't ended it and to not hear anything from him is just very hurtful. I can't wait till the day I don't think about it all day. It'll be a month that I last talked to him and then ended it this coming friday.....damn I thought after a month I wouldn't think about it so much but every situation is different. As for the father aspect, I have always had such a great relationship with my father, he's a best friend to me, so not sure where my insecurity lies with men and why.....I think I just have a broken heart and I don't like it...haha

 

I think I am going to a gf's house again tonight. I am very tired and lazy feeling right now but to get out as much as I can can only be helpful I think. Hope your weekend was better than mine.....

[Agent M]

I layed low all weekend....after the pool playing, acting crazy, and the drinks Th. night, then hard work on Fri., i've been tired all weekend. But its been good for personal growth.

 

Maybe your event still will happen. Could be, you never know. Do they have it every year? Is it in Sept.? I'm glad you explained yourself about being a risk taker. It was interesting for me to read, and it made me feel a little better about my own behavior. I think you're pretty strong for not contacting him , and holding off on the drinks. The other night at my new date, when the ex showed up, I did find myself more into the ex after some drinks and that scared me. My current sit. sounds like the one you were in before this last guy (where you hooked up with him again once, etc.). I have NEVER been an angry type, but like you said, I got driven to the point of crazy and that is such an out of control feeling. But it's also humiliating and you feel embarrassed and ashamed.

 

Right, I don't think i'll send the letter. I really didn't want to piss him off anymore than he already is at me, but screw it I guess. Next time we cross paths, I'll give it to him if I have it.

 

Breaking up is harder as you get older...it's almost like you can't move on as easily. I'm like you in that I'm very independent, but a little lonely. Right now, on the one hand I'd like to meet someone, and on the other hand I just want to be left alone. I do think a lot of it is just plain old boredom. I've been thinking of more fun stuff to do to keep myself occupied. Unfortunatlely for me, it has to be highly exciting or absorbing, or it just doesn't work. I can think about him (or anything) right over so many activities like swimming, exercising, dancing, singing, reading -in and out-, painting, socializing, whatever. Things like fairs are good, parties (wish there were some), and I'll definitely have to think of some more, or suffer!

 

I hate to think of having to put guards up....but perhaps you're right. Or maybe it's just paying attention, setting boundaries and parameters, but mostly, KEEPING MY HEAD. Somehow I get involved and I just lose it with some guys.

 

I think you're doing really well with all of this....keep up the good work. You've kept your pride and it seems like you've learned a lot too.

[swirly27]

Ugh, at least today was better than yesterday.....a little. I dreamt last night that all I did was think and dwell about my situation....which I do but in my dream, it was all about thinking and thinking and thinking about it and when I woke up I had a headache. I cried today too, I hate that. But I had a bday/labor day party that I just got back from and that was entertaining and good to see alot of people. Now I am home.

 

I hear you on the boredom, but when I am not missing someone in particular, I don't usually feel so lonely. I like living alone and having my own space and when I want to do stuff, there is always someone to talk to or hang out with. But when I am missing someone, then I feel empty and lonely and not busy enough and it SUCKS.

 

Yes, I was always the risk taker, sometimes I did too much in my past relationships, but every one was different. Some I never called or did that stuff and others I'd drive to their house and just show up....it just depended. I soooo badly want to talk to him, just to hear some explanation or god to even know if he thinks of me.....but I KNOW that nothing that comes out of his mouth will mean anything at all unless he makes the attempt.

 

This party is one that these people usually have every year, in October, but this year the parents who are actually the ones that throw it, might cancel it cause they are trying to save up money....so we'll see. I think I am still so sad because I still have this hope that he'll contact me or miss me or want to talk to me and its keeping me into it....when I really just need to accept that its over and I will not hear from him. I try and tell myself that but its hard. I am someone that doesn't need anyone to take care of me and I don't want to depend on a man....but then when I meet someone I spark with, I get all excited, or at least this time I did, and I wanted him to want me just as much....and the fact is he doesn't and that is really breaking me down....no man should be able to do that to me.

 

That is good that you laid low and took time for yourself this weekend, if that is what worked for you. Whatever helps is best. Also good that you decided to not send the letter or the money. He doesn't need it or deserve you making any more contact with him. It is his GREAT loss and I bet one day he'll realize that, even if you and him never get together again. I have exes that I couldn't care less about anymore and I have heard they realized what a great thing they lost with me....doesn't matter really now but its still nice to hear.

 

Ugh, I just don't feel like I am doing well with this. It was getting better, but this past weekend hurt alot and I am not too sure why, but I know it'll be awhile until I am healed and that just sucks. I think I am going to do some cleaning and vegging. I took off tomorrow too, as a personal day for me, so hopefully I feel better. I see the therapist this week too. Gosh, only one friend knows I am seeing her again, and my mom and aunt too. They are sooo supportive and thats what I need, not someone to judge or understand why I feel this way, just to listen and be supportive. I just really miss this guy and it sucks that I keep dreaming about him. Do you dream alot about your guy? It pisses me off. lol

[Agent M]

Yeah, after 2 mos. I was DYING to hear something anything from my ex. That's when I finally broke down and talked to him the day I saw him at the lake. I know how hard it is! And, as you said, the contact DID come from him b/c I learned that he had been looking for me and wanted to see me. HOWEVER, the awful part is that after we got together, he told me he was reminded of all the things that had bothered him about me before. That was awful to hear. And I thought I was really nice to him. So, it could be worse!

 

I totally uderstand your thoughts and feelings about living alone, meeting that guy you spark with, otherwise being content, etc. I feel the same way too. Well it took my guy 2 mos. to miss me. Possibly yours will take some time too. Maybe he needed a little more time to process that previous relationship. But I also agree that it is best to try and move on, atleast in your mind if not in your heart. I read this really good book that was saying when things are problematic for us and we concentrate on them, many times just focusing on it puts barriers up to its resolution. So...go across town and get into an agument or something intense to occupy your mind. Easier said than done.

 

You're right, my ex doesn't deserve me making anymore contact with him. I do hope he realizes one day what he threw away. Thank you for the kind words.

 

Remember I spoke of the cyclical nature of healing? I think you may be going through that. Some days are better, some are worse, some are terrible. But the overall trend will be up. Your posts are a lot better. I really feel for you, I know what it's like. I will say, on a positive note, that i am beginning to feel stronger and more like myself. I am starting to have little windows of sanity...very refreshing.

 

Dreams....yes I have dreams of him but they are vague. The ones that are memorable are the ones where I've concentrated on a question I have about him before sleep like, does he still care about me? Then I dream the answer. I do it for a couple nights sometimes to see whether I keep gettingthe same answer ( and I do).

[swirly27]

Well Happy Tuesday! I took today off as an extra personal day, hope its better than the weekend. I went to breakfast with one of my gf's so that was nice. Gave me something to look forward to first thing in the morning.

 

I have to say again too that posting on here back and forth really helps me each day as well. I have made it part of my daily routine to come on here and read this post as well as all the others to see how everyone's situations are doing. I am glad I found someone to relate to in you and hope this helps you as well!

 

Yes, maybe someday I will hear from my ex, that hope I think is what is keeping me from moving on. Maybe me talking to those psychics is not the best thing cause I cling to their words. lol Who knows though, maybe I will hear from him one day.....and if someone else told me of their situation as if it was JUST LIKE mine, for instance yours.....if you post on here next week that your ex contacts you and tells you he misses you and made the biggest mistake....I'd tell you to be weary....so here I am wishing to hear from my ex and even if I do, what will it mean. I guess it depends on what he would say if he contacted me....if he apologized for acting like a schmuck and wanted to say that, that would be nice.

 

I think the other biggest part of the problem for me is I STILL have this piece of blame in me, like if I had just done 'this' or 'that' different, he would have liked me more or I would have been worth it more to him. In the long run, that probably wouldn't have worked, but still....I just keep thinking if I had just handled things differently, we'd still be together.....that is a very yucky feeling to hold so close....I need to let it go.

 

I agree with what you said the book said, that if we focus on the issues of something, that can be barriers to the resolution....I do that all the time....but everyone has to work out their issues in their own way. Two years ago, when the guy I was dating broke my heart, I handled things differently. We tried to be friends and after a bunch of crap, it ended with him telling me he didn't want to talk to me and I went to online dating to try and meet new people again.......I met two guys I went on one date each with, nice but didn't go on a 2nd date and then I met another guy who I clicked with conversationally.....ended up dating him on and off for like 8 months but I look back now and KNOW he was my rebound guy. Its what I needed to do and I never strung him along, always honest with him on my feelings and where I was....but he fell in love with me....GO FIGURE. He's the ex that wanted me to use him while I get over this new ex. I wish I could cause it would be a distraction. I wonder if I need another distraction but I don't want to go thru all that again. I just need to focus on myself. But rebounds help alot of people, hence why they are soooo popular, because no one likes to be alone and everyone likes companionship.

 

So have you heard anything from the new guy at all? I know you said you were gonna steer clear of him too, but just wondering. No word from the ex either? I am leaning towards trying the dating service soon....maybe in a month or so. Give myself a little more time to heal and try not to ask all the why's and put blame on myself.

 

I hate the dreams. I think about my ex right before I go to sleep and I keep dreaming of him and then I wake up with those feelings....but I didn't dream about my ex from 2 yrs ago, except maybe once, and I thought about him all the time too, so not sure why I am dreaming about this one.....but it pisses me off. In my dreams, we are always weird around each other cause in my dreams, its like it is now, where I miss him but we're not together. Not a good feeling to wake up with. But in my dreams we are talking, which is better than real life, so it just sucks. I just hate that a man can make me so happy but then make me sooo sad. Thats too much control in my book....but that must be on me cause I am the one letting it happen. I am just trying to figure out if I am damaged or not. haha I guess I pity the next guy I date because I will probably be much more closed up.

[Agent M]

Yes, this is definitely helping me too, glad that you are a patient listener...sometimes my g/f's have heard enough!

 

Yeah, I'd love it if the ex called and apologized, but I know it would NEVER happen. He wouldn't even apologize when I asked. I was looking at that book He's Just Not that Into You today, and wow, what a rude awakening. I think it's a little bit on the harsh side, really black and white about everything, but a lot of the points the male author makes are good. I was reading about unreturned phone calls or no phone calls. Not good. But it's just SO HARD to believe that he isn't into me...I can't get it through my head! But it must be so, on SOME level or another. Your situation sounds like it has more of a chance. You've been good and haven't contacted him, whereas I have played ALL my cards. That's why I'm just staying away now, all the cards have been played.

 

I blame myself too for certain things, but then I also see that although he had a lot of patience with me, he didn't have enough, although I had a lot for him, and maybe not enough. He started backing away before me, but he loves himself more than he loves me. I'm sorry I ever made him feel bad, b/c that is what really made him back off, but i couldn't help it. He was being a real jerk. So, it's like, what can you do?? Two people come together and have some stuff to iron out, they either iron it out or leave. I would have liked to iron it out, but he didn't want to change, although I was really trying to change for him, so who is more of a sport? I faced the challenge, he ran away.

 

It's too bad that we have rebound relationships, but isn't it funny that someone is always willing to be someone else's doormat? Things would look a lot different if we all had higher standards. That's a tough one....everyone has issues.

 

I haven't heard anything from either guy. I decided to go to the local tavern tonight to see if the new guy was there. I saw the owner and he encouraged me to play some pool, and immmediately this guy sitting at the bar wanted to play with me. So, he and all his buddies were there and although they were cute, they were obnoxious and drinking a ton, and making sexual comments to me. Ugh! I played two games and left!

 

I hear you when you say the guy has way too much control....and it does go beyond that. Ask your therapist what she thinks about your issues in this regard. Mine are as stated earlier. Tonight at the bar I started thinking, hey, if guys are going to hang on me, where are the nice guys?? Where are the upperscale parties? Where do you hang out to meet people you want to know? I have yet to figure that one out. I too hope that I'm not too closed when the next guy comes around.

[swirly27]

I hear ya on feeling like my friends have heard enough.....but I have learned from past heartbreaks who I can and can't talk to. I have a couple gf's that will listen all the time, yet I still feel bad for babbling. I also have my mom and aunt too, so that is very helpful. I called my mom last night crying, she feels so bad, haha, but sometimes you just need to cry. Like I said, not sure why this past weekend was so emotional, but it sucked. Hopefully it gets better. Maybe its because I am hitting the one month mark and I had hopes I'd hear from him and it does get harder before it gets easier sometimes. So we'll see.

 

Yes, I have a copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You' and it is harsh but blunt and straightforward. I too found the section on phone calls and not calling when they say they will....if this guy hadn't been a friend of a friend, I soooo would have had more guard and red flag awareness when this was going on.....oh well, all I can do is learn from this. I can't go back and change anything I did. I just cried to my mom last night that I wish I could go back and just have not contacted him, made him work to contact me and not ended things but blown him off back.....you always regret your actions when things don't end up like you wanted, no matter what......but it really hurts that I liked him alot and he doesn't.....I don't want to be happy because a guy likes me....but isn't that how everyone feels....they get happier. Thats how I got....but now because he doesn't like me, I am sad and I hate it. I shouldn't feel like I NEED him to like me....its not always like that, but it comes and goes and last night and this past weekend was really hard for me, even though with being busy. Not sure why.

 

You're right though, you faced the challenge and you would have ironed stuff out....so would have I, so they are the ones who's loss it is. But, why do these men pursue things only to not want to deal with stuff. Like grow up! I think he just didn't like me enough to want to deal with me and that hurts because we had such a good connection and so much fun and such a spark. But he obviously doesn't think so I guess.....ugh, it just sucks. But I am back at work today so at least that is keeping me busy.

 

Ugh, don't you hate when you are getting over someone and you run into and meet other guys and they are sooooo not what you are looking for. Thats how it was friday night when I went out. This guy kept hitting on me and he just wanted to get laid, but still.....and it made me miss my ex even more cause I just don't feel like dealing with men and dating all over again.....that sounds dumb considering I only dated this ex for a short while, but I am just in a self esteem rut and don't feel like dealing with the pigs and jerks. I thought I found a really nice and good guy. Even if it didn't work out with us, I would have thought I was worth some response.....see how I can't get past this?? HAHA I try to keep telling myself its not me, its him. Doesn't always work though.

 

I wish you luck on staying away from both guys. How is that working out for you? I hear ya on where are the nice guys....but every guy can be a nice guy if they want to. It just depends on what they want. I still can't believe it'll be a month on friday that I ended things with him and I am still have crying jags about it. Oh well. I hate that right now he does control my feelings....even though I do really, I am letting him and thats on me, but I am pretty down about this, so its just gotta take time I guess. I wish you luck with these feelings as well. I know you keep saying that maybe my situation has a chance cause I haven't contacted him, but it is just a loss I believe....I don't think I'll ever hear from him again and I guess I should hope I don't see him....cause it'll probably only hurt me.

[Agent M]

When I hit the 2 mos. mark is when it really hit me that he must not care. That's when I lost all my strength and approached him, although he was wanting to see me too. Beware! I think right now you are still in the very tender stages, that's why you're doing all this analyzing and questioning. You still need more time to heal. I'm still in the phase you're in of wishing I could change something...had I only known, etc. etc. But if they get scared away so easily, are they really worth it? All that means is that different problems may have cropped up, and before you know it you'd be changing your whole personality for him. I really tried to change for this guy, and when I told him I would try, the first thing he did is yell at me saying that other girls have said to him, I changed for you! and even though they did, it still didn't work out. So you see? And I DID change, and what ended up happening is that he wanted me to be "yellow" so I was "yellow", then he wanted me to be "blue", so then I was "blue", then he wanted me to be "red", so then I was red, and it wasn't ever going to end. He just wasn't satisfied, with me or himself. I read in one of those books today that when we make a choice that was "wrong", we are continually wondering "If only I had"..., and if we make a choice that we thought was right, we constantly will question whether is was actually right or whether it was really "wrong". I find this true, and you just can't place blame when you look honestly at this assessment. Either way it's a learning experience (I know you hate to hear that) and I'll tell you, as much pain as I've been through, I've learned volumes of things that I NEEDED TO KNOW.

 

As far as why do men pursue these things, did you read my thread at the General site? It asks this question. It's titled "Men...explain erratic behavior..... and there are some good replies. It's unfortunate, now we are casualties of war, but I have been diving for pearls in all of this.

 

I didn't find anyone else attractive for 2 mos., but then I got over that. I'm definately looking, my eyes are wide open. In fact, they always have been, I just needed to be able to know I could deal before being open again.

 

I had a chance to go to the lake today and canoe, but I declined because I didn't want to run into the ex or any of his friends or family. I just can't do it anymore. Last time I had trouble sleeping and I didn't even see him....not cool. So, I swam in the polluted lake but oh well, atleast I can relax.

 

Good luck at your appt. tomorrow!!

[swirly27]

Thanks for the luck with my appt. tomorrow. I think I am going to write up a list of all the things I FEEL and then opposite them, write the things I KNOW. I want to have some core issues to discuss with her. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

So it took 2 months for you to really be up in arms with wanting to talk to him? Can I ask about your story and how you guys came to be together? After you broke up, what led to you two meeting up again 2 months later? From the things you have told me, even if you have any regrets of 'playing all your cards' as you say, I still believe that everything happens for a reason. At least you can look back and say you tried with all your might. It might not have done any good, and you very well may regret things....but look at the people who do all that stuff and then it works out! Every situation is different. I had a highschool bf that I cried over and begged for and blah blah blah....we were one of those makeup/breakup couples and I always was the one begging for him back.....as we grew older and we grew up, it was me in the end who ended things....which was a GOOD decision....and to this day, I hear I was the one he let get away. Feels a little good to hear that. So, all my begging and trying wasn't all lost. lol

 

I do KNOW, like you say, that if he got this scared over a couple conversations, that more problems would have probably crept up. But I just can't help thinking 'I ended this' and 'If I hadn't, could we have talked a bit more about it?' But, my mom keeps telling me I did nothing wrong because I need to be me and if I was upset because he was blowing things off and needed to talk about that, then thats me, and if he can't handle it, then I am better off without him. But I miss him very very much. I am very angry with myself for getting so caught up in him so quickly....I feel damaged for doing that because I feel weak that someone I knew for such a short time is affecting me so much like this. When you ended things with your guy, was it done on the phone or face to face? What was his reaction? I do regret ending things with a text message....mostly so because I think I did that impulsively, hoping for a reaction.....I wish I would have just gone to bed that night and waited to see what he did after that....who knows though, him telling me he'd be over and then not coming over might have been his ABSURD way of ending things with me. I'll never know.

 

I don't know if I have post pms or what, but this week has been worse than last week and I hate that. Ever since saturday I have cried again each day and it sucks. Its such a myriad of different reasons why too.....partly feeling like I am not worth it, partly feeling the rejection with NO response whatsoever, partly feeling like I am to blame for this and also having the missing him feelings and thinking I am not meant to be with anyone or settle down. I got way too excited and had expectations and I don't think my expectations that I portrayed to him were too much......I do think he is a coward for handling things the way he did and saying what he said to my friend about me......he did set the pace and I followed, so if I got caught up, he was there too. All I wanted was to be respected and told what was going on.....he says he just didn't want to hurt my feelings for cancelling on a plan, but there has to be more to it than just that. He hurt me deeply and god I keep wishing he'd realize that and want me back, but I shouldn't want that. I should want someone that is not going to hurt me like that. But I am a romantic at heart and everytime I see something that reminds me of him, I keep thinking its a sign....haha, how dumb is that. Part of me wishes I had never met him....but everything makes us stronger.

 

I really hope things go better for you too. At least your eyes are open again and you can look at other guys. It will be awhile before that happens for me again. I am just not in a place where I am healed and MAN I WANT TO TALK TO HIM!!! I have no urges to call him, but jesus, I just can't believe the way we got along, that he wouldn't miss me at all. I am having a really hard time dealing with that. I know everyone handles things differently, but still. TO HEAR NOTHING!! Yep, I wish I had never met him, cause I don't think I needed any lessons learned from this....I've had heartbreak many times before, and have caused a few, and I am pretty sure I learned all I had needed to before.....I just can't believe I never got a response from him even when I called a week after ending things to try and smooth it over....WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT??? Even he did want it to end, or if he was hurt that I ended it, why wouldn't he want to try and have a friendly conversation...especially too cause I am close friend of one of his friends??? I just don't get it.

 

Sorry, I seem to be doing worse than better huh? Ups and downs I suppose. UGH I am really glad I found a friend on here!!

[Agent M]

I think the feel/know list is a really good idea. I wrote down all those standards in the back of the He's Just Not book on a huge pc. of paper today, and I am putting them on my ceiling above my bed. Daily reminders!

 

We knew each other in high school (although I would have never gone out with him then), and then I ran into him at a party (last Sept.) while he is back here from far away.

 

I ran into him 2 mos. after we broke up on purpose at the lake. he is often there, and I'd been avoiding him for 2 mos. (although still interested). I did try with all my might, and you're right, i don't regret it. I would try hard again, but next time I would make sure it is someone worth my while. He wasn't, and I had gripes about him for awhile. But, there were also things I really liked and wasn't sure I could get elsewhere.

 

I ended things with my guy by going "fishing" in the canoe with him, and telling him every rotten thing I could think about him. Because by then, I had so HAD IT, and he was literally driving me crazy with the on again off again, that I let it really blow. And I think it hurt him so badly that he sees me as an emotional risk, and he tells me I remind him of his parents (who he doesn't like). But really, I planned everything I said to SOUND like his parents, and to have that effect on him, b/c I knew if I didn't I would continue to go back and back and back to him, but I also realized the relationship was bad and I was miserable. Can't live with him, can't live without him. (Can Too!)

 

Yes, it sounds like you are on the emotional roller coaster ride. i went through the same thing. But I can totally understand your strong feelings about getting blown off. That's awful...I don't even treat my friends that way. That is just such unevolved behavior. How dare he? Even after being intimate?? Not cool. My ex openly admitted he was selfish. In my last conversation with my ex (just lately), he told me he didn't want to hurt anyone. I replied, You say that but you keep doing so anyway!" He said, do you feel i wronged you? And I replied yes, to which he talked his way out of it. He also told me that he never said he'd meet me that day he blew me off. That's just horses**t. Do you see the mentality here?

 

If you see no lessons in your ex relationship, maybe there IS some kind of future in it for you...

[swirly27]

Well I never did write up that list....but I thought about it and some of what I want to say. I think maybe if I have time today here at work or before my appt. tonight I will try and make the list though. It sounds like a good idea.

 

Wow....so at least you got to do your ending face to face. Was he even upset that you were ending things? At least your guy admitted he is selfish and screwed up. Instead, my ex put it on me, like I was nuts and expected too much....and the sad thing is now I am questioning myself and wondering if he is right....even though my HEAD knows its not right. UGH.

 

The sad thing is, this guy I bet doesn't even think he blew me off....like he knows he blew off the pigroast, that is a given. But I just wonder sooooo much what he thinks of me having to call him and then him calling the next night, hours after he said he would.....I think he wanted this to just go away but still wanted to date me. He was being so nice and his usual self the night I ended things, telling me he wished I lived closer to him so I could strangle him whenever I wanted to and we could see each other more......UGH....so if he felt that way that night, why doesn't he care to talk to me at all now.....I ended things with him cause he blew me off as a final straw that night, why isn't he the least bit sorry he did that to me, even if he really did want it to end as well. Then I make the mature step and try to call him.....especially like you said, we were intimate and all....doesn't that mean anything??? Even out of a courtesy?? Because that all seems so far off the wall to me, that is the only comfort I have.....because I have dated players and jerks before, and players know how to play the game, they don't let it get them down to end things with a girl and jerks are jerks and mature people know how to handle a conversation, even if its a bad one.....so for him to run and hide and disappear, what the hell is that!!

 

And why am I focusing on HIM so much.... I should already know that I have loved two men in my life, fallen a bit for a 3rd and really liked a couple others, so my mind KNOWS there will be someone else, someone that better deserves me....but I feel so hopeless right now, as if he were my last chance at being someone....thats basically how I feel, as if someone told me he was my last chance and now I am regretting everything....but I know he's not my last chance. I think thats partly because of getting older and feeling so hurt by these rejections.....but the guy I dated last year, I ended things and I think broke his heart, but I treated him with respect and honesty. I doubt he is sitting there thinking I was his last attempt at happiness. UGH I guess I just have to ride this out!! I need to find a project I think....not sure what it is yet though. My friend is having a yard sale next weekend that I am going to partake in, so that could eb good for me this week to go thru things and purge!!

 

What do you mean by your last line? You think because I haven't learned anything from it that that means its cause its not over? God I would love to cling to that hope, but I think I need to let that hope go.

[Agent M]

No, it didn't seem like my ex cared that i was ending it, but I'm pretty sure he was putting up a front. It was way back in Feb., and before that, he told me he was selfish, but after that, for months, I was the one at fault. I was the one (according to him) that needed to change. I, I ,I. So, he was rejecting me even though I broke up with him (like you). But, the things I've changed aren't things I'm sure that I want to have changed my opinion about...in fact I'm more confused. This could have happened to you too, if your ex was anything like mine. I don't really know anymore what I care about as far as how a mate lives his life. i don't know what to think, and it can't seem to get the answers out of anyone else. i don't know if you saw my thread in general about "identity"...it pretty well explains how staying in this relationship affected me. i also speak of his good side, but believe me the bad side was even worse. And like your ex, he has TONS of friends that just think he's the best, but I know the bad news like nobody else. I too, think I am nuts and expected too much, and am questioning myself and wondering if he is right. I don't have the answer to that yet....I guess it's an individual thing. Some guys would be happy to live up to expectations and show up on time, etc., whereas other guys just want to do their own thing and expect you to as well. However, I happen to know that my ex broke up with one of his g/f's b/c she was worse than him in the same way that he is. So...it's almost like there really is no answer. You would have to totally let him be who he is, then hope he's still into you, while you crave more interest and attention and wonder why he's coming in at 3 am, or what he's doing out with his freinds all day, or what girl is hitting on him in what bar, or why he blew you off, and it would slowly drive you crazy. Also, if you did your own thing to the same extent, I bet he would be wondering the same things about you. Then, what kind of relationship is it really?? I think that's why these guys are still single, b/c there is no proper fit perhaps. My sister is really loose and free, but she is very dedicated to her "partner" and isn't out in bars or acting like she's 19.

 

About running and hiding....I broke up with my ex (same one) in March once before, and he kept calling and calling and told me he wouldn't stop until I heard back from him. I called him back finally, and we got back together. Do you think it's worthwhile to "run into" your ex somewhere you know he'll be, act nicely but casually, and see what happens? You may have more answers then.

 

As far as all the promises, I can only tell you that my ex made so many promises of love and devotion, even wrote me letters. Then presto, he'd change, then change back, until I went crazy and drove him away. i don't know why he did that. I DO know that he had no mental continuity, and that's scary to me. You never know what you're dealing with or how he's gonna be this day, this hour, whatever. Moody. Not fun. Running, hiding, disappearing isn't cool, it's cowardly, if you tried to reinitiate contact.

 

Yes, maybe the lessons aren't over or maybe you are learning more about how to say no and be treated with respect. Time will tell!

 

By the way, I ordered this book on nonviolent communication to see what it has to say. I've NEVER been a violent communicator until this ex drove me to the brink of insanity. I'll let you know how it is.

[swirly27]

Agent-

 

Wow, so your ex broke up with a girl for being just like him but worse?? What does that mean? Its almost like did he want her more because she was unavailable....but then you were there giving him reliability and he couldn't deal? I wonder if my ex stayed with his ex because he knew somehow it would never work so it made it safer, but with me it did scare him. I remember him telling me once that he never wanted to marry someone like his mom because his dad was soooo in love with her that he let her get away with anything and he didn't want to do that....so maybe in some twisted way, me being reliable and yet making him accountable scared him?? Who knows, cause I haven't got a friggin clue. lol

 

So my appt tpday went ok. It didn't really help me at all though, so not sure if I am going to make another appt....or maybe seek someone else out. I asked her what she thinks is wrong with me. She said to listen to my own word, which were: 'I feel like him liking me validates me; I feel hopeless like this was the last chance I had to be with someone, even though I know its not; I feel less of a person because he didn't like me enough to want to keep me'. She says that is whats wrong, that I am looking to someone else for my happiness, but I told her I was happy before I met him. She thinks I just got caught up in it all and that the next time I date someone, to take it slower....for ME....not as a game or to keep him wanting me more, but for me. Because when I met him and we began dating, my mind fast forwarded a bit to hoping it led somewhere serious and that is why I am so heartbroken now. But if I hold back a bit the next time, if it doesn't work out I won't be so heartbroken. She kept trying to show me from a healthy adult's point of view that NO MATTER WHAT, the way he handled this was that of a coward...and why would I want to be with a coward. But, I keep thinking maybe he was a coward because he disliked me sooo much and didn't care if I got a response. Thats really putting myself down huh! This should show his last of character, not my dislike-ability. lol

 

So, I need to take time and work on validating myself, like I did before. I am definitely going thru a funk and right now, unfortantely, I don't even feel like reading any self help books because I think I know whats wrong with me....and no book will explain to me whats wrong with him....he's just an a$$ and unless he is knocking down my door or calling me, nothing else matters.

 

As for if I thinkit would be good to go somewhere he would be, I just don't know. I told the therapist about next month's 'possible' party and she said she didn't know if it was a good idea, to PLAN to go where he is, because it might hurt me more than help me. Like, what if I go and act casual and feel worse when I leave? Or what if he says nothing to me or looks away if we make eye contact? I'd be better off not going then. So, we'll see.

 

The weird thing is my other ex, the one that wanted me to use him to get over this guy, he called my cell today. I was at work and didn't get to talk to him, but still, that was unexpected. Too bad it was the wrong ex calling.

 

The good thing for you is your ex definitely sounds like he has ALOT of issues that he needs to work out and you guys dated way longer and he made ALOT of promises and that sounds to me like it was mostly all on him. He couldn't come thru and you tried, but you weren't getting what you deserved. Maybe one day I'll hear from my ex, but he accepts no responsibility in this....maybe one day my friend will bump into him and then I'll get to hear more. Who knows. I NEED to keep telling myself it is over and I deserve better. I'm trying to anyway.

 

Not too much planned this weekend, football party on sunday. I guess I'll just keep doing what I am doing and hopefully the funk will pass soon. Have you heard anything new from either boy? Are u feeling any better? I can't wait till we chat again and happy days and stories and are over these boys! lol

[Agent M]

Yes, my ex's ex did the same things to him that he did to me. He came to me complaining about all the awful things she did to him, which he in turn did to me, and he was probably doing to her. The only thing I can conclude is that he's really screwed up, worse than any boyfriend I ever had. Atleast I could make sense of the behaviors of the others. I wish I had never gone out with such a low life.

 

I just got back from playing a couple games of pool with my friend. Now the owner of the bar is hitting on me, and my friend (a guy). He gave me a huge bouquet of flowers when he dropped me off. He's just a FRIEND to me. So here I have all these other guys, and this idiot ex of mine who is a low life just casts me off. Oh how humiliating.

 

Could be that your ex is scared of you. Mine is. And it could have to do with you reminding him of the dynamics between his parents. Maybe he is scared of having to be responsible...mine was. Maybe he was going to fall for you, so he ran. You wouldn't know unless you asked him. Even then you might not know. It's a real drag trying to analyze it yourself. You figure some things out, but then you can never be sure b/c things can happen for many different reasons.

 

Sound like your therapist made some good points, to me. (go back and read what you wrote). If it helps any, my ex blew me off that day b/c he didn't care, he actually told me he didn't "give a ****". So, I had to learn how to deal with that knowledge and all the bad feelings it brings, and that was hard. I'd never felt like someone didn't give a **** about me before. But my ex does not. BUT, that's partly b/c he's half insane, and I'm not just saying that out of anger. I went to the Narcissistic personality site and it pretty well describes him. Even if he's not a true narcissist, there's something pretty scary going on, like brainwashing and "peacefully" forcing someone into submission. Don't put this experience of yours all on yourself. You did the right thing in trying to protect yourself. You acted out of self respect.

 

Do you think this is a case of learning how to accept someone who is really sweet and NORMAL and available?? I know I've had this issue. Always wanting to date the hard to get ones or the ones that were somehow unavailable. Look deeply at what is fueling these feelings of yours. Self esteem? Blow to the ego? Liking bad boys? And then ask yourself WHY. Why do you feel that way? What proof is there? Then challenge the proof. Get down to the bottom of it! Chat with you soon.

[migs]

Don't know if my perspective will help. My wife left seven months ago--not without reason (no, not infidelity, I'm very loyal--but I did take her for granted). One day it was just "I don't want to be your wife or lover, I will be your "friend". There were some problems--she couldn't let go completely as I took her daughter as my own, and she adores me, and she's very attracted to me physically. Although I showed very little affection outright, I did so in other ways. She moved under her older daughter's urging (babysitter and housekeeper) and visited me every other month. My stepdaughter (I don't normally refer to her as that, just for clarification) stayed with me for the summer. I have a son who is 27 and autistic--he adores my wife, and he lives with me. I bought a fairly large home that she loved, but when she moved, she wanted me to sell the home, uproot my son who is extremely difficult to change, etc. and live with her. Her son in law is part owner of a dairy farm, she is on workmen's comp for her back, she was offered an office job on the dairy with permission to leave when her back became too painful, and after an argument with her older daughter that was her fault, she was offered a rent and utility free house on the dairy. Since we have separated, she has played many childish games. She was calling me three times a day, and started to act like it was more of an obligation, missing her lunch, etc., so I told her not to call so much then. She started taking me for granted and being very disrespectful. She still brings up the three times that she was mistaken for my mom even though we are the same age, it bothers her even though she knows my love does not rely on physical appearance. Any time a topic came up that she was uncomfortable with it was "off the table"--if I discussed it I was being "negative", and if she was here she would threaten to leave. My normal way of handling issues like this would be to tell her to leave if she wants, but I gave in, feeling guilty (after looking at this objectively I observed that I had little to feel guilty for, and dropped it, but not before I allowed her to play some childish games). When I complained of the lack of respect, she said "I just won't talk to you anymore" and hung up. When she visited and I wanted to spend time cuddling, she told me she could not get close to me without wanting to have sex, and that's what we did. She started calling once a day, then her daughter would call and say "my mom won't be calling tonight because she's walking the dog"--a new chihuahua, or a TV show was coming on that she wanted to see so she couldn't call, not even for a few minutes. She is living in a small farming community, and I am everything she desires--very attractive, intelligent, well-educated, great dad, big heart, my moral code precludes me from being unfaithful, something I have never broken--and I'm 52. After being told she would be late in calling on the weekend and not calling, I sat back an looked at the picture objectively. She has mentioned (after watching me rejecting a pick up attempt right in front of her) that "we always want what we can't have". She's very critical of her older daughter because her son in law works hard and she does nothing other than sit in front of the computer all day and spends money--the kids are not taken care of, the house is filthy, she never cooks, and this guy works long and hard days. Then I saw the hypocrisy--she want's to stay married to me, claims she's always been in love with me, but what is she doing for me? She wants me to jump thru hoops by selling the house, uprooting my son, and moving over there to live in the house on the dairy--at least until we found another home. My job is here, I bought this home for us--here. She stated that she'll never move back here. After we argued on the phone, she suggested that I move over there and we can "date". She has literally used me as "arm candy" to impress people when she lived here, something I went along with but resented. Now she has a single minded goal of wanting me to move into the dairy house after I've sold this one, and uprooting my son with is very difficult for someone with autism. After looking at the big picture objectively, I started NC without any explanation or warning. At first she called and complained that she couldn't reach me, then she had my stepdaughter call (my achilles heel) and act angry because her mom couldn't reach me, then she called and said she was worried about me and had no way to check on me to see if I was alright. I truly don't want her to worry, but I do want her to get the message: if I am not given more priority than her new dog, TV shows, etc. I'm walking. What she "threatened" in the "I'm just not going to talk to you anymore" phone call, click, I'm now doing without warning or explanation. I want her to understand that I deserve more than playing second fiddle to whatever, and I won't tolerate it anymore--my first step is walking away, the second will be divorce papers. It's been seven months, and I don't recall signing up for the priesthood to become celibate. She wants me to drive down and stay with her for a week, something that is somewhat difficult because of my son, but not impossible. I want her to see that living in a house on a dairy that is running in the red, even if it's rent and utility free is not preferable to living in a house that's paid for and is yours. I allowed her to get away with the childish games (things we played in high school!!), but will not anymore, that I have enough of a spine to walk away like I did in my last marriage (I filed) when I knew it wouldn't work. Why didn't I "explain myself"? She would have turned everything I stated around and played a childish manipulative game with it. I want her to wake up, see what she has, and convince herself of what she wants one way or the other with a little practicality and logic, and I'm stepping back so she can do that.

[swirly27]

Agent-

 

I have thought long and hard about what you wrote in your last paragraph - we all at one time have fallen for that bad boy or the unatainable ones, but I don't think thats what happened here. Its true that we do all want what we can't have, or want something more if we only have it half way....that I agree with. But in the last 3 years, I have dated 3 guys, and they were all great guys and all 3 pursued me, or showed an interest and were 'there', not playing games or unavailable, and all 3 seemed very interested in hoping this went somewhere....at first anyway. But, I only really liked 2 of them back, and those 2 weren't jerks or playing games....I liked them, they were there liking me back and it clicked. But I do know that when things ended, yes it is a blow to the ego. That much is true. I do also care what people think of me, so so the fact that this guy is a friend of a friend, AND I really liked him, it really hurts my feelings that not only did he seem to stop liking me, but he didn't even think I was worth saying that to. I KNOW it is probably not that black and white for him, I KNOW, but its how I paraphrase it. lol The other thing is I am very hard on myself, and that doesn't help ANYTHING. I put myself down for being this upset, this long, after dating him a short time. I feel weak for letting some guy I dated a short time affect me this much. I need to just let myself feel what I feel and NOT put myself down for it.....but thats hard for me.

 

I think I am just lonely because for a short while I had someone in my life that made me feel happy-ER and wanted and that feels wonderful. Plus, when you are lonely, you dwell on the last person you were with usually....but this relationship just had a very shady instable ending and I don't do well with not knowing things. I am way too analytical, but I guess one lesson I can learn here is that I won't always get answers.

 

I feel the same way as you with respect to other guys. Other guys do hit on me and even my guy friends always make comments - they're my FRIENDS but still, I think they think I am really cool and would date me, some of them anyway. But for me, they are just friends. Then my other ex, that one that called the other day, he IM'd me last night. Here, he wants to see me and I said I could hang out with him as friends, but that was it.....he wants more....I have NO DESIRE to be romatically or physically involved with him, or anyone right now, and thats what he wants. Said he really wants to settle down and make someone happy and he wanted it to be me......wow, how messed up is that! He really is messed up, but thats another WHOLE story.....but wow. I told him I was in no place for that but I'd love to be his friend. He pretty much didn't want that, I love how he thinks I will just come to him and be with him when I am not over someone else....he doesn't care, he only wants to be with me cause I am not available for him. Anywho, that is another WHOLE story in itself.

 

Well thats great though that you are getting out more and meeting new people, and guys, even if they are pigs. haha Doesn't always help though does it. How are you feeling lately, better? Has it been hard to not call the ex or go where he might be? I know for me right now I need to just be by myself.....distractions could be fun but I don't even want a rebound.....unless of course Collin Farrell was knocking at my door. haha It'd be real easy of me to hang out with the ex that wants me back, but I wouldn't do that to him, cause he'd be a rebound. UGH.

 

I guess my therapist did make good points, but its everything that I already know and its all the stuff I said....she really didn't say too much of her own. I was the one that said I should go slower for me next time...she just repeated it at the end. So, for now, I am not going to be quick to schedule something with her. I think my funk will fade out eventually and it helps me more to discuss stuff on here. I need to find something that will distract my mind a bit though...not sure what that is. I dreamt about him last night AGAIN and that burns me up cause I never dreamt about someone so much before. UGH.

 

Agent, I have to say it sounds to me like you are doing wonderful. I know its not all sunshine and roses, but you are keeping busy, like me, taking time for yourself too, still have work and friends and you are going out and meeting new people...no one that catches your interest, but thats ok too. I know I am doing better than the first 2 weeks, but I was better last week than this week, so a minor step back, but forward from the beginning. I think today I may go shopping....that can always perk up a girl. How is your weekend so far?

 

Migs - Sorry about your ordeal, I can't imagine going thru a split with someone I was married to. I only dated my guy for a month and a half. I wish you luck on figuring out what YOU need to make yourself happy!

[migs]

My wife left seven months ago--not without reason (not infidelity, I'm very loyal but did take her for granted). One day it was just "I don't want to be your wife or lover, I will be your friend if you want". There were some problems, as her daughter adores me as her dad and my wife is strongly physically attracted to me. Although I showed my wife very little affection outright, I did so in other ways. She moved 300 miles away under her older daughter's urging (babysitter and housekeeper), and visited me every other month. My stepdaughter (I don't normally refer to her as that, just for clarification) stayed with me for the summer. I have a son who is 27 and autistic. He adores my wife and lives with me. I bought a fairly large home that she loved, but when she moved she wanted me to sell the home and uproot my son (who doesn't do well with changes) and live with her. Her son in law is part owner of a very large dairy farm, she is on workmen's comp for her back, she was offered an office job on the dairy with the condition that when her back became to painful she could have permission to leave, and after an argument with her older daughter that was her fault she was offered a rent and utility free place on the dairy. Since we have separated she has played many childish games, she was calling three times a day and started acting like it was an obligation, cutting into her lunch hour--so I told her not to call so much. She started taking me for granted and being very disrespectful. She still brings up the three times she was mistaken for my mom even though we are the same age and it bothers her even though she knows my love has nothing to do with that. Anytime a topic came up that she was uncomfortable with, it was "off the table", I was being too negative, she threatened to leave the discussion. My normal way of handling this would be to tell her to "go ahead" but I allowed it because I felt guilty (after looking at this objectively I observed that I had little to feel guilty for, and dropped it, but not before I allowed her to play some childish games). When I complained of the lack of respect, she said "I just won't talk to you anymore" and hung up. When she visited me and I wanted to spend time cuddling, she said she could not get close to me without wanting to have sex and that's what we did. She started calling once a day and then her daughter would call and say "my mom won't be calling tonight because she's walking the dog--a new chihuahua--or a TV show was coming on that she wanted to see so she couldn't call, not even for a few minutes. She is living in a small farming community and I am everything she desires--very attractive, intelligent, well-educated, big heart, great dad--and my moral code precludes me from being unfaithful, something I have never broken--and I'm 52. After being told she would be late in calling on the weekend and not calling, I stepped back and looked at the big picture objectively. She has mentioned (after watching me reject a pickup attempt right in front of her) that "we always want what we can't have". She's very critical of her older daughter because her son in law works very hard and she sits in front of the computer all day spending money. The kids are not taken care of, the house is filthy, she rarely cooks, and this guy works long, hard days. Then I observed an ironic hypocrisy--she want's to stay married to me, claims she's always been in love with me, but what is she doing for me? A lot less than her daughter is doing for her husband which is hardly nothing! She wants me to jump thru hoops by selling the house, uprooting my son and living in that free house on the dairy, at least until we found another home. My job is here....I bought this house and paid it off....here. She stated that she'll never move back here. Several months ago after we argued, she suggested that I should move over there and we can "date". She has literally used me as "arm candy" when she lived here, something I resented. Now she has a single-minded goal of wanted me to move into the dairy house after I sell this one (people are so much nicer in smaller communities, and it's so peaceful there, etc.) and uprooting my son which is very difficult for someone with autism (Oh, but "he'd just love it here"!). My daughter works as a model and is a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie--and her and my wife literally hate each other. I think some of it is jealousy, as my wife has said she'd sell her soul to look like my daughter--another childish statement. After looking at the big picture objectively, I started NC without any explanation or warning. At first she called repeatedly and complained that she couldn't reach me because I must be busy, then she had my stepdaughter call and angrily state that her mom called five times and I wasn't here (she knows my stepdaughter is an achilles heel, but I resent her being used like that), then she called twice to tell me that she was worried about me and had no way to check on me to see if I was alright. I truly don't want her to worry, but I do want her to get the message: if I'm not given more priority than her new dog, TV shows, etc., than I'm walking (even though she understands that I've done this before with my last wife, I think she believes her relationship with my son will prevent me from divorcing). She's doing nothing for him right now, so this is flawed logic. What she "threatened" in the "I'm not going to talk to you anymore" phone call, click, I'm now actually doing with no threats, warnings or explanations. I deserve more than playing second fiddle to whatever. My first step is walking away NC, the second will be divorce papers. It's been seven months, and I don't recall ever signing up for the priesthood and taking vows to become celibate. I want her to see that living in a house on a dairy that's running in the red is not preferable to living in a home that is yours. I allowed her to get away with the childish games (things we played in high school) but that I won't anymore, and that I have enough spine to walk away like I did in my last marriage when I realized it wouldn't work. Why didn't I explain myself? She would have turned everything I stated into a childish, manipulative control game. I want her to wake up, see what she has and convince herself one way or the other with a little practicallity and logic, and I'm stepping back and out so she can do that.

[swirly27]

Migs, maybe you would want to start your own post about your ordeal so it would be a fresh new thread for people to read.

[migs]

Swirly

Do you know how to copy and paste on here? I can't figure it out at all, and I hate to retype everything. Thanks!

[swirly27]

Sure, just highlight all your words and choose Copy from your Edit menu up top on the screen. Then go back to the posting page and click on New Post. That should work for you!

[Josalina]

swirly swirly swirly, u poor thing. i have the same worry i will c my ex on msn while im loged on, as i woulnt know what to say or wether to start the convo. u aren't going wrong anywhere its just men for ya.

if u havent been on the site 4 2 years or whatever it was does that mean it was ok till then?

as i have got older i have started to depend on love to, i think it is natural to. when people r young they arn't seeming to want to settle down now a days and when you met someone you think i wonder if this relationship will work? its wierd how us humans feel so desperate to feel loved by that one person in our lives, cos when they are there everyone at some point wonders if they r actually meant to be with them and if things don't feel right we analise y they arent and usually end up making it worse, i know as i have done it, you feel you should communicate with your partner, but when u talk about problems and they think it may be them, its amazing what their minds tell them to do, and when a relationship ends you crave the feelings of being loved because u r so lonely, in fact a lot like u have told me lol. u cope well though, its not easy i know.

hope u have the best to come.

[Island Girl]

Swirly27

 

I read through the first initial post. One thing really stuck out at me - you stated he is flaky with phone calls anyway so you didn't really worry too much about that.

 

This is a mistake. Just because someone is consistently disrespectful to people in general doesn't excuse it. And it certainly doesn't mean you should lower your standards to date this guy.

 

The bare minimum is phone calls when you say and showing up when you say. If that goes there is no relationship to say. I am not even friends with people like that. How could you ever depend on them or believe what they say? This guy is totally replaceable. You can find too many guys out there who are schmucks and will treat you like you don't matter. He is not worth any amount of thought.

 

Find yourself a guy who does what he says he is going to do. Find one that treats you like you are the most wonderful person on the planet. Those men are out there and they are worth the journey. Don't get caught up or hung up with one of the losers lining the road, they are just for learning about what you don't want.