Baffled!!

[swirly27]

Hey Ladies,

 

Just thought I'd make a quick post. I am hoping this week is the start of a better fresh week.....lets keep our fingers crossed. This week is the start of my big fair going on, so I am going tonight with a couple gf's so that should be fun.

 

I talked to another psychic last night and after I see how things go with what she said, I'll fill you guys in. Not sure if its a scam or not, but she did tell me something else to try to get rid of negativity. She was a bit pricey though so I did it once and if she keeps trying to make me call her, then I know its a scam. So, we'll see.

 

I think overall I am making much progress, but I am still so hurt deep inside when I think about what happened. Part of me knows he never set out to hurt me, most people aren't that evil, but he was such a coward and I think the main loss for me is I just wanted this to work out so much. But I have been reading some stuff and part of this is on me, at least why I am so hurt. I want to build my strength and self esteem back up and I hope I am getting there. I feel better though.

 

Hope you girls get your computers fixed soon! haha

[swirly27]

Well, I thought I'd post cause I am annoyed and mad. My other ex, the one that does want me back (for all the wrong reasons) im'd me tonight and he starts off by asking why I don't say hi anymore on IM. So, I blew that off and said hi and just said I have hardly been online. Then he asks why I haven't asked to see him......ugh. So I finally say (again) that I am not interested in seeing anyone and that he wants something right now that I am not interested in nor do I want. He turned it all around saying I put it nicely that basically I am not that into him anymore...which is true, but why did he think I was when he knows I am still upset over my last breakup??? I have told him that multiple times and he's mad at me cause I won't give him a chance. He won't even just be a friend, which is fine if thats not what he wants, but why does think I'll start just dating him and being with him when he's not even friendly most of the time....and why would he want to date me when he KNOWSSSS I am still hurt over another guy. Its not healthy and I don't get it. So, I ended the conversation with 'ok' and he said thats fine and he's cool with it. But, I have said this to him like 3 times now so I don't know if this is the last I'll hear or not. I hope so cause I can be friendly with him but I don't want it to turn into where I have to not be friendly. Ugh!

 

I made it thru the fair last night with no run in of the ex. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time, but I had a good time. I usually do now when I am out doing something...so I should be out all the time right!! But, I also need my alone time, I always have, so when I am alone, I think about it. Oh well.

[latefragment]

swirly,

 

i'm so glad you've been continuing to post. i am sorry i dropped out of touch for a few days. fortunately for me i am quite preoccupied with a number of moving-to-new-apt related stuff and other personal things ... so it's taken my mind off of the bastard temporarily. i actually have started to feel good about myself again, instead of feeling like a worthless piece of **, my confidence has really come back.

 

the pain that i feel now just comes when i think of what could have been with this guy. and i am STILL tempted to call him ... even though i have told myself i won't.

 

i'm glad you didn't run into your ex at the fair/party and i am sorry that your ex-ex is hassling you so much at this time. it's good that you are standing your ground and being true to yourself by not hanging out with him, but it's nice to feel wanted, isn't it?

 

i've spent a little time with a guy from work that i have a connection with (no desire to go anywhere dicey with him as he isn't worth the headache of dating a co-worker - he's attractive and is the kindest soul but doesn't blow my socks off enough to want to cross that bridge of dating people you work with). and that's helped my confidence a bit. not much though as we keep all of our interactions VERY platonic.

 

i'd really like to talk to you in more detail about your situation and my situation with the guy that i am still busted up over (the one-week guy) ... as i feel that outside of the time duration, our situations are quite similar. basically the guy was expressing so much interest that we both got caught up in it and felt that he might be the One and then bam all of a sudden he's disappeared and you're left wondering WTF just happened? maybe if you can receive PM's I can send you one with my contact info?

 

allright, i'm glad that you keep on posting. in some ways the universe is smiling down at us because we found a bunch of other people who are going through the same thing at around the same time so we at least don't have to feel like we're going through this alone.

 

many hugs,

-latefragment

[swirly27]

Thanks Late, hope all is going well with the moving. I did send you a PM so let me know if you receive it ok.

 

I just hate feeling like I should be over this by now. I di catch myself thinking of it less and less...so maybe its me that won't let it go....well I know it partly is because I liked him alot and I did get excited and caught up and I STILL don't know what happened and when I think about, it still upsets me. I should try and stop thinking about it, but its its been almost 2 months now, I imagine in 4 months I'll be twice as over it.....so its the whole TIME thing. UGH!

 

It is really hard for me to let go of the blame and guilt I feel though. In my other life aspects I feel confident and at ease and not shy....but with guys in general, and now especially this particular guy, I feel less of a person because not only did he not really want to be with me (obvious cause we're not together) but he didn't even think I deserved any explanation or anything. So hopefully in a couple more months I'll be doubly over that aspect as well.

 

I am off to the fair again tonight though, so hope its a good one!! TTYAL

[Agent M]

Hi All!

 

I'm at the library again b/c my computer is still not fixed! What a drag...

 

Well, I've read all the posts since my last one. Sounds like its been difficult, but with some good things happening too. I think I'll get that book, Be Honest...., cause for me its true!

 

I have been going out and trying to keep myself busy. Unfortunately, last week I went out and saw a friend of the ex's that filled my head with this new girl he was supposedly dating and I knew her. She was putting the moves on him before I was even out of the picture. I'll spare you the details, but I got so horrified I couldn't sleep for 2 days, and even now my chest gets tight when i think of it. So needless to say, I've been ruminating 24/7 and it just pisses me off. Like you, Swirly, I'm having these chats with God b/c at this pt. I'm wondering what the heck is wrong with me. So are my friends. AND, I've been having the dreams....most of them bad, some OK. That is disturbing.

 

I think part of the problem here is simply boredom! Being FULLY engaged in something is the only time I get any relief, and I mean FULLY engaged. This is hard to do, but it does work. Also, a lot of exercise, or exercising for long periods of time (like atleast an hour long walk). The other thing I'm having a problem with is the anger. It's terrible. After that incident with his friend last week I'm getting into these little arguments with him in my head! For nothing! The guy does not care about me, plain and simple. So, I'm going out with the girls tonight!

 

Another good thing is that I made this list of 40 questions for the next guy(s) and I've been able to walk away from 3 or so now.....they haven't made it past question one!

 

Anyway, I'm working at keeping my chin up and I do forgive myself for taking so long to recover. I hope you are all faring well and knowing that sooner or later, the right guy will come along and these wimps will fade away...just fantasize about not caring AT ALL anymore!!!!!

 

I'll try to stay in touch!

[tangerine trees]

Oh man. I got up to about page 4 and now I need to go to bed because I need to wake up early.

 

However, when I get the chance (probably Friday afternoon) I'm definently going to read this all to the finish... because it totally parallels my situation too!

 

If anyone here gets the chance, please take a look at my thread in the dating forum, "Should I send this letter or not?" because I'm planning on sending a letter to the guy who blew me off.

 

I'll be back with more later once I have some free time.

[swirly27]

Hello All,

 

Agent, good to hear from you, good luck still with your pc. Hope that it gets fixed soon for you!

 

I am so sorry to hear that you had a bring down with your ex - that sucks. Why did this friend of the ex's tell you about a new girl? Is your ex still seeing her? Well, try and pity her.....try and realize that she is either going to get the same treatment you had or worse, she'll put up with it and then she'll be stuck with nothing more than what he can give and by then you'll have gone out and have found ALOT more, so pity her. LOL

 

Yeah, I just finished that book ("Be Honest.....) and it was good to read....but it didn't apply to me with this last ex.....I should have read this book about my other ex, the one trying to get me back now. But, it was still good to read about. My next one is 'Women Who Love Too Much' so I'll let you know how that is, unless you've read it already. I heard its a good one to read.

 

I made it thru the fair last night with no sightings. hehe Part of me wants to though, but it feels like YEARS since I have seen my ex or talked with him. It'll be 2 months since I ended it this coming monday. I can't help it that I count like that! hehe I still do call a psychic here and there, but oh well. This hope will die out for me eventually right? See the thing for me is I don't hope to get this guy back who just blew me off. I HOPE that this isn't really what he is about and that this isn't how he is and that something else is just going on and he'll get thru it or grow up a bit or open up and realize he messed up. Thats my hope anyway and I know in time that will fade too....it has actually, but I still just have this hole because I have no idea what happened....so that will fade too.

 

I am overall doing ok though. I am busy alot and when I need my alone time I have that too, even if I think about things, its ok. Tonight I am going to the fair again if the weather holds out and then tomorrow is friday, so thats always good. I too still have my ex in dreams, although sometimes its not him in them, its just his name mentioned or a thought had, but still. It'll just take time.

 

TANGERINE, definitely hope to hear back from you, its always good to hear from people who have gone thru the same experience. It helps us all. It is a long post, but we use it almost like a daily journal. I will read your post and see what I think too.

[latefragment]

hey tangerine, i really feel for your situation. your letter is very nicely worded, but i understand how confusing it is that on the teen forum everyone's telling you to send it but on the regular forum here everyone's saying don't send it. it kinda sucks. personally, i wouldn't send it because you've already had one run-in with him and he had his chance to talk toyou. it hurts so much i know. i know i wkno. i'm totally going through the same thing.

 

swirly, i sent you back a pm, let me know if you got it! =)

 

hope you girls are doing ok i'm hanging in there, day by day. thats all we can do, right? i've found that journaling really helps get it all out there so i can at least just regurgitate it all out to someone (my computer) who's not going to hold garlic up to ward me off. LOL.

[Agent M]

Hey Everyone....

 

Got home after work today with that feeling of...if I don't do something NOW outside of the house I'm going to start having cravings for the ex or just get really angry, so here I am back at the library.

 

Tangerine, thanks for reading through all this online journaling! I thought the letter you wrote your ex was VERY nice....he certainly couldn't say anything bad about that! I do agree with Swirly that RIObikini was pretty much dead on in her reply. Personally, I know exactly how you feel b/c I wanted answers too and I felt that knowing what went wrong gave me SOME feeling of control, whereas otherwise I had none. There's something about people who suddenly leave that just really messes with your head. Rio seems exceptionally strong. I had to know, like you. I went over to his house, I hunted him down, I didn't care if he was mad at me for it. I had to know. I'm glad I did for my own sake and I feel I've pieced everthing together and will make sure the next guy doesn't have the same preferences as the ex, but if you do this, expect some drama. Expect to be retraumatized somewhat, although in the end it may (or may not) benefit you. I don't think he will come back, or that he cares much, and from the way you sound, it looks like it'll be his loss. Oh well. I always think the man owes me an explanation as to why he blows me off, but, your ex may not even know, depending on how old he is. Again, what Rio said is accurate.

 

I went out last night and actually met someone who could take the place of the ex...but he's married! Such a bummer. But atleast it was good to know that there will be other men I'm just as attracted to, and it made the memory of the ex somewhat fainter.

 

Swirly, you're doing so well in not breaking down and seeing your ex. You've really preserved your pride. I didn't, but in hindsight I can say that the longer you go with n/c, the more you forget, and the less you feel. What freedom.

 

I have read Women Who Love and it's a great book. I'll be interested to hear how well you like it...I'm not sure you have the issues that the women in the book do, but you'll have to let me know.

 

I will answer your questions about the ex/new g/f business as soon as possible....right now it hurts too much for me to even mention the details! Ugh.

 

Well, hopefully the computer will be back soon. Stay out of trouble everyone!

[swirly27]

Agent, sorry you are feeling UGH again but you did a good thing getting out of the house and doing something constructive, so thats good. Have you actually seen or talked to your ex lately? How long has it been?

 

In regards to your comment about me being strong and breaking down, thank you....but I don't feel strong. I can tell you that even though I have kept this NC and not broke down, I too still have regrets about things I did do at the end of him and I....I wish I wouldn't have texted him the night before I ended things, I wish I would have just not called that night before, made him call me, waited it out....I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone when he finally did call me the night I ended it.....so I feel like I lost some pride in those actions, even though they weren't 'bad'.....but no matter what I would have done, maybe it wouldn't have mattered anyway....but my mind keeps going back to him telling my friend I was nuts and just wanted to yell and couldn't go with the flow....like his words count for anything when his actions speak VOLUMES about his character. But, its still how I feel, like if I would have ignored him a bit, I wouldn't have been 'nuts' and maybe he wouldn't have felt pressured. But I know logically I want a guy who I can talk to and who won't run and disappear when I have hurt feelings over something very reasonable to feel hurt about - THAT HE CAUSED. So, yes, I have some pride now but I still hurt, so pride won't mean much to me till later I guess. Plus, remember, I had a horrible breakup 2 yrs ago and my pride went out the window and over to the next state - having a broken heart AND feeling the loss of all respect and pride for myself was even worse....but thats how we get stronger and learn too so who knows whats right or wrong.

 

That is great that you met someone that made you feel like you know there are other guys out there that can make you happy or happier than your ex - sucks that he's married, but at least it helped you some. Was this guy someone who is interested in you? Don't think you want to go that route if he is LOL but just curious, or was he someone you met randomly and saw good things in him. My dad always tells me that you have to go thru alot of sh*t to appreciate the golden stuff, and right now I am going thru sh*t when it comes to men. People who don't go thru this or have everything handed to them don't appreciate what they have as much. I try and remember that.

 

I'll let you know how I like the book. With this last dating experience, I did back out when I saw what was going on, but it is tearing me up and I feel if I was healthier and more confident, it wouldn't be tearing me up this much. Being sad is fine and missing him is fine, but I still find myself blaming myself here and there and wondering what I should have done different and until I stop that, I know I'll still need more time. I should start exercising again too cause I don't think I've gained much weight since the summer....well maybe a tad cause when this first happened, I dropped some weight and I think I gained that back, but I should start working out to feel better....but can't really get into it right now. I go for walks at night with a friend sometimes, but right now just can't get motivated otherwise with working out. Staying busy is doing me good though. We went to the fair tonight but it got RAINED out and I got soaked. haha I am home now just chilling and trying to get warm. Man it feels like sooooo long since I have seen him and I miss him. Sucks doesn't it. But, time is going by so thats good!

Have a great weekend everyone!!! I'll be around and checking in each day!

[tangerine trees]

Mmmm. I'd like to preface my post by detailing how refreshing it is to come to a forum where people are articulate and actually help each other. I'm so glad I found this website; I've been posting on this teen forum and its utterly worthless.

 

(Not that I'm that useful myself; the only thing I know is that I don't know anything. In fact, its sort of disconcerting that you guys say dating gets harder with age. Come again? I thought once everyone matured its only easier.)

 

That being said, thanks for reading my letter you guys! I got some new information on the matter and wrote a revised letter. But heres the whole story of what happened with my situation:

 

I went to a photography program over the summer for two weeks and met this guy, Ben (he's also 17), and we connected really well. Even though the program was in Maine, we both live in the same state 20 minutes away from each other. At the program, we liked each other, but nothing more happened (he had a girlfriend at the time, but he broke up with her right after the program.) The last night of the program, Ben, my roomate, his friend and I snuck out of our rooms, and walked to this elementary school about a mile away from where we were staying. We climbed to the roof and slept under the stars. He gave my roomate his blanket because she was cold, but I heard him shattering his teeth so I offered to share my blanket. We ended up sleeping under the same blanket, and talking, but nothing more happened. It was really nice, and I felt that I had finally really moved on from a sad breakup with my ex.

 

After the program ended, I hung out with his roomate (also his roomate at the boarding school he goes to) who told me that all he talked about was how much he missed me. Ben ended up coming home for the weekend. We took the train from his house to get to my house, but we didn't switch trains and accidentally ended up in New York City, and of course, my mom flipped out. She made us take the train back to my house imediatly, and demanded he come and have dinner with her guests. They told embarrassing stories, but he was a good sport about it and a total sweetheart.

 

After that, he called me every single day for over a month while he was at school, and we hung out every time he was home. At this point our relationship hadn't gone beyond holding hands and kissing on the cheek. He made me feel really special, and apreaciated as a person. He's into art, as am I, and he made me an art project and everything... so thoughtful!

 

Then, he had a break from school and things changed pretty quickly. One night we went to New York City (on purpose this time) and we finally hooked up. He said to me "I didn't think that you liked me." For the next few weeks while he was home we spent a lot of time together, and I felt myself getting more and more attached to him.

 

Now, some points of conflict arose. First of all, after hooking up for only a week, he tried to sleep with me. Being older, you may or may not see this as a big deal, but I'm only 17 and I won't sleep with any guy who I haven't been with for a long time. I get the sense that he has had a lot of experience, so I think although our relationship was by no means purely sexual, he may have seen me not wanting to sleep with him as rejection or thought that I never would.

 

The last time I saw him (other than accidentally running into him at a coffee shop) I took him to a party at my friends house. He said he felt a little bit uncomfortable there becasue he didn't know anyone, but as I drove him home everything was fine. Then, his mom called, and warned us: my mom had called his mom, and she had accidentally revealed that I had been driving him on the highway, which was against my mothers rules. My mom FLIPPED out, called his house multiple times, said God knows what, and by the time I dropped him off and returned to the house, was in tears of rage.

 

At the time I was upset about being in a lot of trouble with my parents, but I thought everything was fine with Ben. He was really concerned about me, told me to call him and tell him how everything was the next day, and we had a long make out session and everything. He told me he would come down and visit me if I wasn't allowed back up.

 

The next day I called, we talked a little, he seemed fine but he was busy because his grandparents had just arrived. He said he would call me a bit later. For about a week, we talked a few times for short amounts of time, but I figured it was just because he was busy with his grandparents and wasnt too concerned. He called me once or twice that week, and I called him twice or three times, I think. The next weekend I told him he was allowed to come down and visit me via train, and he said he wanted to, and that he would call. He didn't call, so I called him, he said he couldnt come that day so he would call tomorrow. No call. I call him multiple times, no answer. I send him a message: "Did I do something wrong?" No response.

 

And, that was that. He went back to school, and didnt call me again. I didnt hear from him until I saw him last weekend in his town, accidentally. He talked to me, but didn't even hug me, while his friend gave me a warm receptive greeting.

 

Initially, I was really confused, and blamed myself. I wondered if it was because I wasn't affectionate enough; sometimes I don't know how to express my feelings of apreciation for others, because I feel like if someone knows that I like them too much, they'll get annoyed with me. (its a stupid little idosyncrasy (sp?) I have, but I fear rejection.) I wondered if he felt neglected at the party I took him to. Or if I wasn't interesting enough.

 

However, just today I got a response from his friend. His friend told me " asked what was up when we left the coffee shop and he said something about your mom like screaming at him or something. "

 

Well, hm. So this is about my mom freaking out? I'm not sure exactly what my mom did, but even so, his actions were immature and I'm angry that he didn't deal with it in a better way.

 

I can understand that he was intimidated by my parents, and/or felt like the relationship wouldnt work between my parents and him being at school often. However, I still feel that if he liked me enough, we could have made this work.

 

Aside from this, he also has other major issues, that his roomate tried to warn me about. First of all, at the age of 17, hes already a recovered drug addict; he's overdosed on cocaine twice, done meth multiple times, and been to a plethora of treatment programs, including the theraputic boarding school he is at now. Although he's been clean for months, he's still battling with depression, and he must be at least a little derranged, because I heard he got suspended from his theraputic boarding school. Honestly, how does one get suspended from theraputic boarding school? He's cheated on every single girlfriend that he has had, and in general has a bad track record with girls, even those he cares about. He still talked about how he would always love his ex even though he cheated on her and killed the relationship himself(not the one he had while at the program) so he wasn't even completelty over that. He also has trouble keeping friendships for a long period of time. At his school they tried to diagnos him as "borderline" whcih he refused to beleive, but I looked up the symptoms as let me tell you, theyre dead on.

 

Haha after writng that youre probably thing "... and you like this guy because??" I'm a sensible girl myself (with a slight rebeliious streak, I guess); I do well in school, don't get in much trouble, etc, etc. I liked Ben because we had a connection, shared a passion for art, and.. because I found his issues fascinating. He was my bad boy fix, I guess. He was such a refreshing change from the stuck up kids in my town that I can't relate to; he was my escape.

 

When I got involved, I knew he was unreliable. I knew what I was getting myself into. Overall, I think the experience was worth it, even though it really hurt me.

 

And overall, I can't help but still feel like the end of this relationship is somehow due to my shortcomings. I guess its irrational and I'm just feeling typical insecurites. I'm always insecure when it comes to relationships; I hope that's something people grow out of with age? I still feel rejected, because I honestly thought he really cared about me when he just dissapeared.

 

Yeah, so, theres my novel. Hope you enjoyed it.

[Josalina]

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cor guy it seems like ages lol.

i have read a few posts since been away i will read more later as i am a lil tired.

my computer had to be re-installed or something?! but it is ok now.

well i don't know where to start, loads has happened.

i have a personal trainer down the gym now he is kind he is helping me stregthen my body from the injury so i can go back dancing asap etc.

he is single, just split with his gf it apparently took him a year and a half just to get rid of her.

he is quite good looking actually, he dresses and looks imaculate, which is something i like in men. we have a laugh and although he doesn't leave my side and looks after me i don't think ha is really intersted but the nice thing is i get to have some male company instead of my ex. i see the gym guy once a week, which he is now after next week making twice as he said i can start upping my days there.

 

i haven't heard from me ex at all. i read your first post to me since not having my computer swirly and yeah i do still think u will hear from your ex, as men take forever to realise what they want, what the worse thing is that by the time he does u may have moved on with someone else, how long has it been since u last heard?

it has been 2 weeks since i heard nothing and nearly 4 weeks since me and my ex split, i woke up a lil sad again today because he isn't there anymore but i am still trying to keep busy.

 

read u said u went to the fair swirly, was that where u thought u may of bumped into your ex? remeber everything is done for a reason, maybe u didn't see him bcos the timing is'nt right yet.

i added you to my msn just b4 my computer broke so i don't know if you got it, i recieved your e-mail thanks.

 

agent, read your computer had broke too lol, pain isn't it, i well missed u guys. well i am back nowand even missed my pilates class because i was sitting outside the computer shop refusing to leave till i had my computer back working lol , honestly the blokes doing it were positively useless, they broke more of it before they fixed it ha ha.

men er. lol

 

well i hope you are all having a good day, i went for a sunny walk and then it started heavy raining when i was about 1 an a half miles from the car lol, good old english weather lol totally unpredictable, the worst thing was my white and pink top went see thorough and the weather was so bad no one could see there cars from the distance ha ha i was hoping for dear god that they couldn't see me either .

 

well i am going to grab a spot of lunch now, will try an log on this evening.

[swirly27]

Mmmm. I'd like to preface my post by detailing how refreshing it is to come to a forum where people are articulate and actually help each other. I'm so glad I found this website; I've been posting on this teen forum and its utterly worthless.

 

(Not that I'm that useful myself; the only thing I know is that I don't know anything. In fact, its sort of disconcerting that you guys say dating gets harder with age. Come again? I thought once everyone matured its only easier.)

 

That being said, thanks for reading my letter you guys! I got some new information on the matter and wrote a revised letter. But heres the whole story of what happened with my situation:

 

I went to a photography program over the summer for two weeks and met this guy, Ben (he's also 17), and we connected really well. Even though the program was in Maine, we both live in the same state 20 minutes away from each other. At the program, we liked each other, but nothing more happened (he had a girlfriend at the time, but he broke up with her right after the program.) The last night of the program, Ben, my roomate, his friend and I snuck out of our rooms, and walked to this elementary school about a mile away from where we were staying. We climbed to the roof and slept under the stars. He gave my roomate his blanket because she was cold, but I heard him shattering his teeth so I offered to share my blanket. We ended up sleeping under the same blanket, and talking, but nothing more happened. It was really nice, and I felt that I had finally really moved on from a sad breakup with my ex.

 

After the program ended, I hung out with his roomate (also his roomate at the boarding school he goes to) who told me that all he talked about was how much he missed me. Ben ended up coming home for the weekend. We took the train from his house to get to my house, but we didn't switch trains and accidentally ended up in New York City, and of course, my mom flipped out. She made us take the train back to my house imediatly, and demanded he come and have dinner with her guests. They told embarrassing stories, but he was a good sport about it and a total sweetheart.

 

After that, he called me every single day for over a month while he was at school, and we hung out every time he was home. At this point our relationship hadn't gone beyond holding hands and kissing on the cheek. He made me feel really special, and apreaciated as a person. He's into art, as am I, and he made me an art project and everything... so thoughtful!

 

Then, he had a break from school and things changed pretty quickly. One night we went to New York City (on purpose this time) and we finally hooked up. He said to me "I didn't think that you liked me." For the next few weeks while he was home we spent a lot of time together, and I felt myself getting more and more attached to him.

 

Now, some points of conflict arose. First of all, after hooking up for only a week, he tried to sleep with me. Being older, you may or may not see this as a big deal, but I'm only 17 and I won't sleep with any guy who I haven't been with for a long time. I get the sense that he has had a lot of experience, so I think although our relationship was by no means purely sexual, he may have seen me not wanting to sleep with him as rejection or thought that I never would.

 

The last time I saw him (other than accidentally running into him at a coffee shop) I took him to a party at my friends house. He said he felt a little bit uncomfortable there becasue he didn't know anyone, but as I drove him home everything was fine. Then, his mom called, and warned us: my mom had called his mom, and she had accidentally revealed that I had been driving him on the highway, which was against my mothers rules. My mom FLIPPED out, called his house multiple times, said God knows what, and by the time I dropped him off and returned to the house, was in tears of rage.

 

At the time I was upset about being in a lot of trouble with my parents, but I thought everything was fine with Ben. He was really concerned about me, told me to call him and tell him how everything was the next day, and we had a long make out session and everything. He told me he would come down and visit me if I wasn't allowed back up.

 

The next day I called, we talked a little, he seemed fine but he was busy because his grandparents had just arrived. He said he would call me a bit later. For about a week, we talked a few times for short amounts of time, but I figured it was just because he was busy with his grandparents and wasnt too concerned. He called me once or twice that week, and I called him twice or three times, I think. The next weekend I told him he was allowed to come down and visit me via train, and he said he wanted to, and that he would call. He didn't call, so I called him, he said he couldnt come that day so he would call tomorrow. No call. I call him multiple times, no answer. I send him a message: "Did I do something wrong?" No response.

 

And, that was that. He went back to school, and didnt call me again. I didnt hear from him until I saw him last weekend in his town, accidentally. He talked to me, but didn't even hug me, while his friend gave me a warm receptive greeting.

 

Initially, I was really confused, and blamed myself. I wondered if it was because I wasn't affectionate enough; sometimes I don't know how to express my feelings of apreciation for others, because I feel like if someone knows that I like them too much, they'll get annoyed with me. (its a stupid little idosyncrasy (sp?) I have, but I fear rejection.) I wondered if he felt neglected at the party I took him to. Or if I wasn't interesting enough.

 

However, just today I got a response from his friend. His friend told me " asked what was up when we left the coffee shop and he said something about your mom like screaming at him or something. "

 

Well, hm. So this is about my mom freaking out? I'm not sure exactly what my mom did, but even so, his actions were immature and I'm angry that he didn't deal with it in a better way.

 

I can understand that he was intimidated by my parents, and/or felt like the relationship wouldnt work between my parents and him being at school often. However, I still feel that if he liked me enough, we could have made this work.

 

Aside from this, he also has other major issues, that his roomate tried to warn me about. First of all, at the age of 17, hes already a recovered drug addict; he's overdosed on cocaine twice, done meth multiple times, and been to a plethora of treatment programs, including the theraputic boarding school he is at now. Although he's been clean for months, he's still battling with depression, and he must be at least a little derranged, because I heard he got suspended from his theraputic boarding school. Honestly, how does one get suspended from theraputic boarding school? He's cheated on every single girlfriend that he has had, and in general has a bad track record with girls, even those he cares about. He still talked about how he would always love his ex even though he cheated on her and killed the relationship himself(not the one he had while at the program) so he wasn't even completelty over that. He also has trouble keeping friendships for a long period of time. At his school they tried to diagnos him as "borderline" whcih he refused to beleive, but I looked up the symptoms as let me tell you, theyre dead on.

 

Haha after writng that youre probably thing "... and you like this guy because??" I'm a sensible girl myself (with a slight rebeliious streak, I guess); I do well in school, don't get in much trouble, etc, etc. I liked Ben because we had a connection, shared a passion for art, and.. because I found his issues fascinating. He was my bad boy fix, I guess. He was such a refreshing change from the stuck up kids in my town that I can't relate to; he was my escape.

 

When I got involved, I knew he was unreliable. I knew what I was getting myself into. Overall, I think the experience was worth it, even though it really hurt me.

 

And overall, I can't help but still feel like the end of this relationship is somehow due to my shortcomings. I guess its irrational and I'm just feeling typical insecurites. I'm always insecure when it comes to relationships; I hope that's something people grow out of with age? I still feel rejected, because I honestly thought he really cared about me when he just dissapeared.

 

Yeah, so, theres my novel. Hope you enjoyed it.

 

Well Tangerine, I read your story and you are in the right post. It doesn't matter that we are older, that can only maybe benefit you a bit.....but we had to go thru what you are going thru to understand 'some' stuff and look at us still.....no matter how much your head and mind knows, your heart always takes over when we're hurt, so knowledge isn't very helpful during breakups! haha

 

Now....red flags I see with this guy.....EVERYTHING his friend warned you about with him! haha Maybe this was your bad boy you were attracted to, do you find him EXTREMELY attractive? He sounds like a player. I do hate to say this too but what was important to me in my later teens regarding men and what is important to me now is alot different, so you will grow and learn as you go thru this stuff......my cousin is with this TOOL who I HATE and he treats her like crap and they live together and have a baby together and the main reason she used to tell me for staying with him was because he was so HOT. UGH!!! She is only 20 but I just wanted to smack her. But, she's never had someone who treated her respectfully and nice that she liked back, so she has nothing to compare him to. I have....I have been with the players, cheaters, good guys, fun guys, respectful guys and its going thru all that is how you learn. So, look at this as a learning experience.

 

I know you have feelings for him and alot of it may be just your ego as well....it is for me alot I think. I think I am a great girl and have alot of life and love to share with someone, so why isn't it happening? But, thats life. If your mom and dad did yell at this guy and intimidated him and so he felt he needed to back away from seeing you....there is NO DOUBT, he shouldn't have just fallen off the face of the earth. He could have sent you a letter, talked to you on the phone. I'm sure he liked you but he didn't want to deal with discussing things with you......like my ex. It hurts alot too but its not about us, its about them. I have been the dumper before with a guys who really liked me and its hard to do, but its mature and disappearing is cowardly. Be glad, like I am TRYING to do that you know now you'll find someone else in the future that won't do that to you....but only if you don't stay with men like this who do this kind of stuff. Its a learning experience but realize that all of those issues your ex had (drugs, depression, bad schooling), do you REALLY want to be with someone who can't commit to anything except bad things? Take this time for yourself and move on and you will find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[swirly27]

Hey Josalina, glad you're back!! Glad to hear your computer is fixed! Now we just need Agent's fixed, but at least she can get to the library!

 

I did not see that you added me to your msn, and as of right now I am logged on at home, so if you get a chance you'll have to see if you see me. I gave you my emails address right?

 

That is really good about you having a personal trainer....especially a cute one. Even just for the benefits of you getting back into shape to dance and being around a different male, maybe make a new friend. Its all good. I think eventually I will try and motivate myself to go back to working out.....but don't want to waste money on a gym if it'll just be a waste....especially with christmas coming up and needing money for that kind of stuff. So, we'll see.

 

Yeah, I know that men take forever to realize but maybe I was way off on how much I thought he liked me.....maybe he is just completely over it and doesn't think a 2nd thought of me. Who knows huh....maybe all that is true, and in time I will be over it. It has been almost 2 months since I have talked to him, which is the same night I ended it via text message. Yeah, we have this huge week long fair every year in a nearby town and I wondered if I would run into him there. Not so far and the fair ends tomorrow. I may be going tonight and tomorrow too, so we'll see. I like the food though! haha

I know everything happens for a reason, but maybe I am a complete fool and hiding away this hope for something that will NEVER come.....maybe so huh, but then I guess thats what time is for, to eventually get over it. Thats what I am trying to do.

 

Josa, you'll have to let me know if you see me online...I am on at home so if you see me, send me an IM and when I get home after work I will respond. We'll get this figured out yet! haha

[tangerine trees]

Thanks for reading my post, it was alarmingly long.

 

In response to your question about was I extremely attracted to him: he was about average looking, but he was more attractive to me because of his charm and I also found his personality fascinating. I also hate when girls only like guys based on appearance. I have one friend for which attractiveness is her only criteria in choosing guys, and it drives me nuts.

 

And yeah, its an ego thing for me too, but in the opposite sort of way. I don't have a very large ego, so I look to guys for my confidence. Which works for a little while, but always ultimately fails, because people are unreliable. Also, it creates this sort of dependency, which I am able to hide really well in the begining (it definently didn't reveal itself in this last affair). I think I have social anxiety issues. I can make friends easily, and I generally like people, but I'm always afraid that the people I like will not like me, or stop liking me. And situations like this just fuel my paranoia. The whole thing is bad bad bad.

 

Even though he was a player, the whole situation hurts me. I'm wondering if what his friend told me about him ending it because of my parents is true. And even if it was, if he really liked me before, how could that make him stop? I don't get it.

 

Rationally I know that this is probably for the better. I'm applying to colleges and juggling a whole bunch of other family issues right now, so I'd hardly have time to talk to him anyway. I've recently come to the conclusion that having a boyfriend kind of sucks. All the worrying, insecurities, awkward situations, having to talk to them every night... its a lot of effort. Definently NOT worth it unless its someone really special. The feeling of having someone care for you is nice, but unless you really care for them, it doesnt outway the cons.

 

I thought Ben was worth it. Guess not.

 

I don't fall for guys that often, but once I do, I fall hard. I'm consistant; it takes a lot for me to change my mind. Thats why I can't understand him. He either had me fooled into thinking he really liked me, or really liked me but changed his mind, but if he changed his mind about something so trivial.. ugh.

 

Whatever. I'm done with guys for a long time.

[Josalina]

i will do swirly ha ha i sent u an email saying that 2 lol as soon as i c u online i will IM u.

fair sounds fun, it may b an idea to go again, surely he has to go one night lol, that is if u do want to 'bump into him' lol.

i am at home tonight, gonna have josa time i think, have a bath, paint nails, sort through clothes etc lol.

yeah he is cute, the gym guy but not really my kind, as i like dark hair and eyes usually and a guy, who like him though who is well groomed, but suited and booted usually so even if nothing comes of it as you said yourself i have made a friend and we have laugh so thats a bonus in itsself.

lol i am quite fussy, which is my downfall i think as i may expect a lil to much now as i compare them without realising to my ex, who i found for me perfect and it is hard to break that but i am trying to get out there and just have some fun, nothing in it as i don't go with just anyone but it is nice to have male attention again u know lol.

my sister has a daddy long legs in her room, its a bug fly thing lol incase u have no idea what i am on about so i have to get it out her room now. lol take care

[Josalina]

hi swirly just noticed u r online at loveshack, r u online in msn?

[swirly27]

hi swirly just noticed u r online at loveshack, r u online in msn?

 

Yep, I am online here and on msn...I don't see you added.

[Josalina]

ha ha me neither, cor this sucks, when u email me does it say after it is sent, add to msn contacts as i ticked that so u r on my contacts but it says u r offline, how wierd is this.

[swirly27]

Tangerine - I know that nothing makes sense now and that is the HARDEST part about all of this....only because you care so much. When you are over him, you still won't understand what happened or why but you won't care anymore, it'll just be a mere fact of the past. Bottom line though, you deserved to be treated better than how he treated you. We will meet men in our lives and it won't work out with all of them, but we still deserve to be treated better and if they couldn't do that, then we shouldn't want them anyway. Until we are over them though, we will care about what happened. So, I just pray that day comes sooner rather than later.

 

My day was ok today. I went to the fair for the last day and I did not see him, so thats that. I thought if there would be a chance to run into him anywhere it would be there and I went alot this week, but no run in. Maybe its for the best. I was with my gf today that is friends with him and I am always tempted to ask her if she heard anything about him, but I don't. If anything important is ever heard I am sure she would tell me.

 

Last night was just so so, I was a little sad. About 5 of my friends are pregnant right now and I found out about one of them last night and I was sooo happy for her but then felt a little sad for myself. I want a family someday and I guess I was just a little envious of her. She didn't know I was sad cause she told me about it over the phone. But, I am happy for her. Little by little this hope has to die out right?? I know it will, I just want it to happen quicker. I have heard nothing and now I just feel like its probably how its going to be forever. I still miss him though, damn him! LOL

[Josalina]

oh swirly sorry to hear u r sad, i recon u would make a great mum, u will one day, maybe the timing just isn't quite right, yet that is prob the last thing u wanna hear.

i think u sound like a really lovely person so this ex of urs is a twit 4 not contacting, do u feel u have moved on from him a bit now or would u get back with him still if he asked as although i do think your paths will pass again i fear it will be to late.

does your friend know how u feel?

[swirly27]

Hello All,

 

Tomorrow will be the 2 month mark since I ended things with my ex and I hope its a milestone of some sort for me. It seems like its been soooo much longer, but nope, 2 months, which is a longer time I guess. Funny thing is in the last week, I have heard from not only the ex who wants me back but I also woke up this morning to a text message from the ex from 2 yrs ago!! hahaha Long story short is we were able to somehow still be friendly after awhile and he went away for the navy and I guess is just getting home and he texts me at 2am , haha but he doesn't live near me, so he's just being a pig flirt like he used to be, but its just funny that here I am wanting to hear from my current ex and I hear from 2 others instead. UGH Irony I tell ya.

 

No, my gf who just found out she was pregnant does not know I was a little sad. I am soooo happy for her, I think I was just having a 'pity me' moment and was a little sad cause I envy alot of my friends who are all having babies, and with about 5 of them pregnant, thats alot. hahahaha But, if its meant to happen for me it will, same with getting married. I just need to focus on myself and live life for me, and thats what I am trying to do.

 

This next month coming up is very busy and packed with lots of fun plans so I hope its a good month and then when it is over, I hope I can look back and compare to right now and feel like I am over it or way more over it anyway! lol

 

Hope you girls are having a great weekend!!

[Josalina]

i suddenly realised swirly, how long was it since u got the text from your last ex the other night at 2am, as if it was longer than two months maybe that will give u an idication of how long mr x will take?

just a thought. hope you have a good day.

[swirly27]

i suddenly realised swirly, how long was it since u got the text from your last ex the other night at 2am, as if it was longer than two months maybe that will give u an idication of how long mr x will take?

just a thought. hope you have a good day.

 

Oh this ex from 2 yrs ago, we have kept in touch over this last yr while he was away for the navy. But, when we broke up 2 yrs ago, he really wanted to try to be friends with me (and lets not forget he broke up with me but at least he communicated that with me and not just disappeared like my current ex). So we tried to be friends for a few weeks but it didn't work so we didn't talk for 2 months, my choice, and then I contacted him to say hi and we tried again to be friends.....then I wrote one of my long letters haha and after we hooked up, I got hurt and he decided we shouldn't talk anymore.....I'd say a couple months went by and he texted me out of the blue asking if we could be friends. So, its been a weird cycle with him. Who knows, I don't get it. haha Just funny that 2 other exes contacted me this past weekend.

 

I am just going to TRY REAL HARD to focus on me and have a blast this month as I have lots going on and I love the fall season and the holidays, Halloween too, and I hope this next month will be great for me! I am home sick today as I think I am coming down with a cold, but I am also hoping to try and get back into doing something exercise-like....eating better again, all that fun stuff. haha

[Josalina]

yeah it is funny the one time u want a certain bloke to contact, 2 others do at once lol.

u make me laugh.

sorry to hear u r poorly though, i have got quite a headache still myself as a disk is out in my neck again so going to hosp tomo to have it clicked back in again. i know it will hurt but it is worth the pain after, bit like break ups they get right under your skin, hurt you and cause pain but when put right or forgotten u realise its maybe not so bad after all, lol i am comparing my ex as a pain in the neck ha ha ha ha what ever next.

 

well i hope u feel better soon, they say in this country 3 days coming 3 days with a cold and 3 days going, some more useless information, i am full of it today. lol take care