When a married man is (maybe?) flirting with you

[Guest]

Hello folks, I could really use some advice/input;

 

I know a guy named Brad (not his real name) that I see form time to time. Initially, when we'd see each other, he would give me a polite hug and kiss on the cheek. Nothing weird or overt. However, my spidey-sense felt that there was some major chemistry between us and I considered it a pity that he was married.

 

Brad has never discussed this with me, but I know from mutual acquaintances that he is in an unhappy marriage and contemplating divorce. This is really not an issue for me because, even if he asked, I would not have so much as a coffee with him while he is still married. I have never met his wife and when I have seen him he has always been alone or with his young daughter.

 

A few months ago, I gave Brad a compliment about a personal quality I admired about him. Ever since then, the polite "hug and cheek kiss" hello/goodbye has morphed into him regularly (when I see him) giving me a quick kiss on the mouth and a lingering hug. Initially, I was stunned, he knew it and kind of laughed it off.

 

I really like Brad and if this were a perfect world and he was single, I'd be very keen on dating him. But, my question is; am I reading this right, is he overtly flirting and escalating things with me? If so, should I say something to him? Should I take him aside at some point and tell him that the kisses, while enjoyable, are not appropriate given his marital status? I'm certainly not the morality police, but I would like to know what is going on and what his intentions are - without sounding lame, of course.

 

Many thanks in advance.

[john2776]

Yes talk to him about it, because if you don't you are going to end up having an affair with a married man. Bad for all parties. Start dating him when he gets a divorce. I also recommend cutting the kisses out.

[whichwayisup]

I gave Brad a compliment about a personal quality I admired about him.

 

What exactly did you say?

 

He isn't yours for taking. People become sexually attracted to others everyday, married or not...BUT, when someone is married, have the sense to NOT pursue it or cross the lines. Men and women who become friends have to NOT get 'personal' in the sense of having kisses on the mouth, or even intimate conversations. Tell him no more kisses and make sure you say, "I don't think your wife would appreciate you kissing me. Infact, if I had a husband who kissed women on the lips, I'D have a problem with it." Or even ask him how HE would feel if his wife was kissing a man on the lips.......

 

The fact you have assumed ALOT about his marriage (or has he told you things are not 100% at home? Ask yourself WHY he is telling you......) Open your eyes, go read afew threads in the OW/OM section.

[norajane]

You say this:

 

even if he asked, I would not have so much as a coffee with him while he is still married.

 

BUT you are allowing this:

 

the polite "hug and cheek kiss" hello/goodbye has morphed into him regularly (when I see him) giving me a quick kiss on the mouth and a lingering hug. Initially, I was stunned, he knew it and kind of laughed it off.

 

 

is he overtly flirting and escalating things with me?

 

Yes, and you are encouraging it by not stopping it.

 

If so, should I say something to him?

 

YES.

 

Should I take him aside at some point and tell him that the kisses, while enjoyable, are not appropriate given his marital status?

 

NO, you do not tell him his kisses are enjoyable. You tell him that his kisses are making you uncomfortable and you do not want him to continue kissing you. You tell him that you do not appreciate kisses from married men.

 

I would like to know what is going on and what his intentions are

 

He's using you for an ego boost. His intentions are irrlevant since he is married.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. ... is he overtly flirting and escalating things with me?

2. If so, should I say something to him?

3. Should I take him aside at some point and tell him that the kisses, while enjoyable, are not appropriate given his marital status?

4. I'm certainly not the morality police, but I would like to know what is going on and what his intentions are - without sounding lame, of course.

 

1. Yes, because you are letting him and he knows it.

 

2. Yes, if you want it to stop.

 

3. It sounds like you are interested in his continued kisses, otherwise you wouldn't throw that 'enjoyable' in there. If you want this to end, its fairly simple - you tell him point blank that you are not comfortable with this type of interaction with him and prevent it from happening again. Then, avoid going where you know he will be. If you see him, push him away, or draw back next time if you have to. Or, simply set up your body language in such a way that it can't happen. Do not hug him. Do not let him hug you. Keep a good 18 inches between you at all times.

 

4. His intentions are clear. He intends to get in your pants and is probably convinced that you will let him.

 

This sounds like the beginning of one of those "we accidently had an affair" stories. Both parties go into it knowing the deal, but pretending otherwise. I guess it makes it easier on the concience that way, but its still no less deceptive. Be honest with yourself here though. Do you really want him to stop? Do you really want to stop?

[Guest]

What exactly did you say?

 

I said that he seemed like a very good father.

 

The fact you have assumed ALOT about his marriage (or has he told you things are not 100% at home? Ask yourself WHY he is telling you......) Open your eyes, go read afew threads in the OW/OM section.

 

Well, I have assumed nothing about his marriage and, in fact, have never talked to him about it. He is very close with some family members and friends of mine - he and I do not have intimate conversations and I have only heard things through these family members/friends. In the past, I have only interacted with him and seen him when I was with my family.

 

Let me clarify something in general; I have not seen this man in 4 months because I have gone out of my way to avoid him. However, I have a family function to attend this evening and I know he will be there and I was planning upon saying something to him. (Hence, my posting on this board.) I am trying to do the right thing here, be an adult about this and stop a situation before it becomes extremely problematic. My only worry was the possibility that I had misread things and that I would make a fool out of myself by making an issue out of it. Due to his friendship with my family, I did not want to create a bad situation for everyone involved.

 

Yes, some of these family members have made comments about how there seems to be an attraction between us. But, these people are absolutely 'ga-ga' over him and think it would be fabulous if we became a couple someday. I do not trust how they would advise me in this situation and that is why I wanted to ask here. (I assume that they would advise me to stick with the status quo.)

 

Seriously, thanks for all the replies.