looking for answers

[Last Mohegan]

You need to investigate this very carefully. Some of the judgments rewarded in suits of this nature in North Carolina (where I live) were large, some were not and some were thrown out of court. Its your responsibility to prove the other person took your spouses affection away and be very careful the way you choose to prove that...some of your proof may prove to be inadmisable in court. Its like any other kind of lawsuit...you do not come out unscathed by any means. Just food for thought!

 

look into suing the OM for alienation of affection, which is very much "do-able" in NC. When I was last there a BW sued her husband's OW that he had married after the affair and divorce. She got like 3 million out of the suit.

[difficultposition]

Totally agree, she moves out you stay with the kids.

[Gunny376]

You need to investigate this very carefully. Some of the judgments rewarded in suits of this nature in North Carolina (where I live) were large, some were not and some were thrown out of court. Its your responsibility to prove the other person took your spouses affection away and be very careful the way you choose to prove that...some of your proof may prove to be inadmisable in court. Its like any other kind of lawsuit...you do not come out unscathed by any means. Just food for thought!

 

I knew NC had such a law, and was grounds for a law-suit!

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well

 

DW and I had another talk today. We are both moving out on 10/15/06. She and 1 son are moving in with her friend from work. I am getting an apt with other son. Our talk was to say the least.... confusing. SHe talked about us. Can you believe that. She talked about what was stressing her the most. Money. She is worried about the future and retirement. She talked about OUR future. Together. I was thrown through a loop. She talked about if and when we get back together, we will have been budgeting for two homes and it would be easier once it was down to one home. What is with her????? She said she wanted a divorce yesterday because she felt I wouldnt give her the time she needed. She said she wants to try a seperation instead of divorce. She said she was mad and felt like there was no other choice. Earlier in the day I asked her to be totally honest with me and not tell me what I wanted to hear. She doesn't want to make a rash decision or make the biggest mistake of her life. I dont know what to believe anymore. I want to believe her....I really do. I just don't know. When we move out, she agreed I should take all of our belongings. She wont need them at her new place. Any suggestions?

[Ladyjane14]

She is worried about the future and retirement. She talked about OUR future. Together. I was thrown through a loop. She talked about if and when we get back together, we will have been budgeting for two homes and it would be easier once it was down to one home. What is with her?????

 

Look her right in the eye and tell her that if she goes through with this... NO WAY in hell you're EVER taking her back. Tell her that YOU have no intention of living your life as HER fall-back plan, and that you're under no illusion about exactly why she's leaving. It's obvious that she wants to go play games with the OM, and you're not waiting around for her to see if it pans out or not.

 

Your best bet is to put a PI on her BEFORE the separation, get the goods on her affair, and sue for divorce on grounds of adultery. You might not be able to save ALL of your retirement funds... but you've got a better shot at it if you have a judge's sympathy.

 

Let the OM feed, clothe, and shelter her out of HIS retirement. Better him than you.

[Gunny376]

I'd be giving this flaky broad the answer to her dreams ~ but I'm a hard ass anyway. I'd give her what she's want, and plenty of time, space and opportuntiry.

 

She's blowing smoke up your ass. Its the old "I'll say what he wants to hear, confuse the Hell out of him to get him to back off ~ while I'm making other plans." Its a spin off of the old "Are you going to believe me or your Lying Eyes!"

 

People speak louder with their actions and deeds, that's what counts.

 

People that want to save thier marriage, fix what needs fixing in their marriage, their lives ~ roll up their shirt sleeves and get down to the dirty work at hand. Just like the guy on TV on the show ~ "Dirty Jobs" he doesn't talk about it ~ he gets busy ~ getting busy!

 

As far as the moeny goes, the only way to go is Mary Hunts, and Dave Ramsey way. Goggle there names.

[idontunderstandwhy]

I have no delusions about what is going on here. I am ready to take care of myself and my son. I am glad OM is 500 miles away. I am more hopeful that she said we should seperate instead of divorce. I am glad I get to take all of our belongings. I am happy she gave me an enjoyable birthday. Is there ever a time where a situation like this turned out well? Does the WW ever figure out she is being an ass and making the biggest mistake of her life? Do they ever come crawling back?

[Rooster_DAR]

"I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you"... is right out of the Cheater's Handbook. Your wife is either still embroiled in her affair, or in withdrawal. Odds are better that she's still in contact with the OM though.

 

I'm with Norajane. There's no reason for you to give up YOUR home. Tell her if she wants to separate not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.

 

Marriage counseling isn't really effective when the affair is ongoing anyway, so don't worry about that. Your better bet is to see an attorney and introduce some reality to the situation. She can't keep her lifestyle and run around like she's single.

 

You can check online for a state by state overview of 'grounds for divorce' on sites like divorcenet.com. If you can sue her for grounds... why not? There's no reason for you to work hard all your life and end up living out of your suitcase at the Motel Six while your wife moves her boyfriend into the master suite of YOUR home.

 

All that sounds kind of bitter, but really... it's not meant to be. The bottom line is that romantic affairs cease to be appealing once they lose some of their glamour. Introducing reality pokes holes in the fantasy bubble.

 

Probables are that your wife is maneuvering you out of your home on the pretense of needing "space". I doubt she has much intention of working on the marital problems regardless of her words to the contrary. You wouldn't be the first guy to fall prey to that particular tactic. Fact is... I'd have used it myself if I was bent on divorce.

 

Your wife's actions don't indicate that she's serious about reconcilliation. She's taken no action to support her words to you.

 

Words + Actions = The Truth

Words - Actions = Bullsh*t

 

Why did the OM break it off with her, btw? Could it be because she hasn't moved forward with ending her marriage?

 

 

p.s. If the OM is married, inform his wife of the affair. Don't discuss it with your WW or negotiate for terms either. Just do it. She'll be mad as hell, and she'll swear to never forgive you. But if you ever DO reconcile... she will.

 

Bottom line though is that you won't recover your marriage until the affair ends, and when the OM is himself married... his betrayed wife will begin to exert pressure from her end.

 

Again.... we take the "glamour" out of the adultery.

 

This is the best and most accurate post I've seen on LS since I've joined. LadyJane, you nailed it right on the head! Here are some of the quotes I received from my EX before I was handed my hat and forced to move out from our new home:

 

"I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you".

"I need some space"

"I need you to back off"

"I think we should separate on a trial basis"

"There is no more us" the next day "I miss you terribly, I love you even more"

 

I know she crossed the line with a fellow co-worker, I could just feel it in my gut.

 

B.S.

 

roost

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well

 

I have OM phone number. Should I call him????

What should I say???

I have been debating this issue.

 

Let me know the best way to proceed

 

Any ideas on this?

 

I think she would go ballistic if I did this.

 

If I did, What should I say?

[Gunny376]

write down the pros and cons. Short, mid, and long term consequences. look at the risk-returned ratio, etc.

 

Actually? I would have done called this SOB up and threatened to beat him within an inch of his life with an ax-handle if he didn't back out of my business, life, and marriage. But, that's just me!

[idontunderstandwhy]

I have been very sad lately. I am feeling like I dont know what is happening. I want my DW to snap out of her delusional state. She has been trying to call OM but he doesn't answer. I think that is pissing her off. I honestly feel that there is no future for them. I think he was in it for the sex only. (I understand that he had a no kissing rule.) What should I expect to happen when and if she comes to the realization that it is going nowhere?

[Rooster_DAR]

I don't understand why you haven't gotten pi**ed off and aborted your relationship with her. This is just plain nuts dude! She has some big problems and you are spinning down her vortex with her. If I were you, I'd be disgusted with the whole thing and move on. I understand it hurts, but from what I can see the whole thing is over.

 

Grieve the loss, go through the motions, and give another good woman a chance to share your life with (after youv'e gotten yourself together). My recent EX was doing the same thing to me, and if I had not bailed out when I did, I really think I would have been utterly detroyed and lost any dignity I had left.

 

roost

[Akasha]

So what is the answer? If a woman tells her man and shows him that she loves him and that she is completely commited to him and only him and he does the same, then time goes by and the relationship evolves into one person taking the other for granted, suggesting that this is the norm, this is what happens to EVERYONE, when one person in the relationship takes "making love" and having passionate four play and sex and changes it into (screwing... no intimacy..no kissing.. I LOVE KISSING.. ) that person turns it into something quick and cheap like a $5.oo bang.... I am left with my heart torn open. What is my damage?!?!?!

[Gunny376]

its becoming more and more obvious that the DW was just a booty call to the OM ~ and she's off lost in her fog.

 

There''s really on one thing to do?

 

Pull back and re-group, and let her little fantasy bubble go "POP!"

 

She's completely ambivalent toward you, your marriage, your relationship ~ in short you're the last thing that she's got on her mind. And its my prediction ~ that if the deal with the OM is squirrled ~ she's just going to go look for suspect No.#2.

 

Sometimes the signs are so clear ~ that you've not any other choice but to move on. You could build a wall around the size of the Great Wall of China and it still wouldn't be big enough to keep her in if she's Hell Bent For Leather not to stay in.

 

And, I've got to ask the question? WTF are you getting out of this relationship? What is so great about this woman, that you can't find in another or even other women that would be very appreciative of what you bring to the table? What is she bringing to the party? Virtually nothing except herself, and she's taking at least a third of your presents home with her.

 

She may come back around, after she totally screwed up her life, gone thorugh all the money, and has her back to the wall in a deep dark pit that she's dug for herself. Is that the kind of person that you want to be married to? Is that the kind of person you need in your life?

 

Its time to move on!

[idontunderstandwhy]

I am just going to let things work themselves out on their own. We are moving out and I am taking everything with me. I am going to spend more time with my sons and work on me. She is just not the same person anymore. It is going to hurt like there is no tomorrow, but I am strong enough to get through this. I will make sure I protect myself and I will be sure to keep enough evidence to help me if divorce is the final answer. I wish things were different, but obviously, they are beyond my control. Her bubble will burst eventually. I may be there to help her, or not. Who knows.

[Gunny376]

yesterday watching the Dr. Phil show:

 

"Dr. Phil addresses two questions that Amber had when she wrote him. "'If my husband was serious about making our marriage work, why all the lies and sneaking around?' Isn't the answer obvious? He's not serious about it." He turns to Dennis. "You're just very cavalier, flippant, don't care about this relationship at all. Isn't that true?"

 

"True," he says.

 

"Do you hear that?" Dr. Phil asks Amber. "I mean, that's just the reality of it. You don't have a marriage here."

 

"You've got a guy who just basically says, 'I don't care. I don't care about my kids. I don't care about my marriage. I don't care about anything,'" says Dr. Phil. "

 

and

 

Dr. Phil turns back to Amber. "If this is the standard that you're willing to accept, then you're going to get exactly what you ask for. You should not put up with this. Look, I hate that there are kids involved here. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, but I promise you, children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

 

"If [they] want to be together, you ought to just give them your blessing and say, 'Just go forth and multiply.' And then you need to get a lawyer and protect yourself. You are being insulted in this, you are being condescended to, and you're just sitting there like, 'Gee, I hope you take me back, please, please, please.' Is that what you're going to settle for?'

 

"Nope," she says.

 

"Look, there are times when the signs are clear," he tells Amber. "You need to move on. You need to get a new best friend. You need to recognize that this is dead. By the way, I'm happy to get you whatever help, counseling you need to get you through this. I'm more than happy to do that."

[Mz. Pixie]

yesterday watching the Dr. Phil show:

 

"Dr. Phil addresses two questions that Amber had when she wrote him. "'If my husband was serious about making our marriage work, why all the lies and sneaking around?' Isn't the answer obvious? He's not serious about it." He turns to Dennis. "You're just very cavalier, flippant, don't care about this relationship at all. Isn't that true?"

 

"True," he says.

 

"Do you hear that?" Dr. Phil asks Amber. "I mean, that's just the reality of it. You don't have a marriage here."

 

"You've got a guy who just basically says, 'I don't care. I don't care about my kids. I don't care about my marriage. I don't care about anything,'" says Dr. Phil. "

 

and

 

Dr. Phil turns back to Amber. "If this is the standard that you're willing to accept, then you're going to get exactly what you ask for. You should not put up with this. Look, I hate that there are kids involved here. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, but I promise you, children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

 

"If [they] want to be together, you ought to just give them your blessing and say, 'Just go forth and multiply.' And then you need to get a lawyer and protect yourself. You are being insulted in this, you are being condescended to, and you're just sitting there like, 'Gee, I hope you take me back, please, please, please.' Is that what you're going to settle for?'

 

"Nope," she says.

 

"Look, there are times when the signs are clear," he tells Amber. "You need to move on. You need to get a new best friend. You need to recognize that this is dead. By the way, I'm happy to get you whatever help, counseling you need to get you through this. I'm more than happy to do that."

 

I Tivo Dr. Phil everyday and I saw this.

 

OM is not the issue here hon, your wife is. Calling him will do no good because it sounds like he is not pursuing her anyway.

 

She wants to hedge her options. Count on you as her backup in case. Do not allow her to. She's either trying to be with OM or find someone new.

 

Tell her there is no OUR retirement there is no OUR finances. There is YOURS and HERS. You may want to tell her you plan on suing OM for alienation of affection. That may spark her a bit.

 

You are not going to support her while she F's around.

 

Do not move out of your home and sell it!! She can move out but you're not helping her with money. She's on her own until the court decides differently.

[Ladyjane14]

I understand that he had a no kissing rule...

 

So do 'ladies of the evening' and their customers... at least that's what I'm given to understand. That ought to tell your wife something about the honesty and intimacy of the relationship.

 

Seriously, I don't know WHY you're enabling this affair. You can't expect people to consider YOUR boundaries.... if you don't have any.

 

In your last post you said:

I am just going to let things work themselves out on their own. We are moving out and I am taking everything with me. I am going to spend more time with my sons and work on me. She is just not the same person anymore. It is going to hurt like there is no tomorrow, but I am strong enough to get through this. I will make sure I protect myself and I will be sure to keep enough evidence to help me if divorce is the final answer. I wish things were different, but obviously, they are beyond my control. Her bubble will burst eventually. I may be there to help her, or not. Who knows.

 

That's pretty good stuff if you stick with it... right up to the point where you say you "may be there to help her". She doesn't need to know that. It's not to your advantage to allow her to think for even ONE MINUTE that you're going to be available to her as a safety net. Play your cards closer to your chest.

 

 

p.s. to Rooster....

Thanks for the nice compliment earlier. I've seen waaaayyy to many of you guys go through this lately, and I hate to see folks 'give away the store' on the off-chance that their spouse won't go through with it.

 

When a boundary is absolute, as in the case of fidelity.... we're talking about deal-breaking behavior. Soooo..... it stands to reason that we don't 'make deals' when it comes to deal-breakers.

[idontunderstandwhy]

My DW is making me insane. She answers me with "I DONT KNOW" all the time. We are still having HOT SWEATY MONKEY LUVIN on a regular basis. (I would hate to give that up) Yet she is still unsure about ever little thing. She seems very happy with the prospect of living with her friend for awhile. She says she is still NOT in love with me. She says she needs time to figure everything out about us. She will not make any promises about anything. She will not make any positive statements about our future. She says, "I JUST DONT KNOW" I am moving with my 19 y/o son to a new apartment and I dont want to be constantly morose in front of him. I want to be strong, I really do, it is just soooo much for me to bear. A little encouragement would go a long way folks. You have all helped me with your advice and letting me vent. Thanks again to all.