looking for answers

[LakesideDream]

Gunny376, you are a tough dude. I thought you might be blowing smoke with your screen name before your rant. Semper Fi

 

Towcritter, how did you become such a sissy? Your DW goes Boo, and you jump out of your skin and give her 25.

 

She "wants her space" let her go find it and pay for it. The rent, the light bill, gas, water telephone, internet and cel. Let her figure out how to fix her car, or get it fixed. Let her face the insurance bill, and those new tires and brakes she needs.

 

She doesen't see you as a knight in shining armor, or swoon when you ride to the rescue. She see's you as the janitor whose job it is to clean up the mess.

 

Think back to when you were a MAN! It's time to see the forest from the trees and grow a pair.

[Roo]

if she bolts because you say I'm here I'm staying I want to make this work you had no hope of keeping her anyway, besides if she's sick of you as you say maybe it's cause she needs someone who's more of a challenge clearly she's romantically interested in mr om err unavailable because he jsut plain wants someone more than he wants her.....

 

clearly you have to stop doing as you've always done or you are going to get what you always got.... walked all over.

 

big hugs I feel for you but if you want change you are going to have to MAKE CHANGE.

[Gunny376]

Well, I know I need to man the **** up. As for contacting his SO, I have no way of finding out who she even is. I could call OM though. But my DW would probably have a **** hemmorage. She said if I did, it was over between us. She said that it is not OM's fault, it is hers. As for my DW and me, things are actually very good, we have very frequent sex, civil conversation and all seems OK. But I know she feels she wants to be on her own, not sure what she wants with me. I want to stand up without causing her to bolt.

 

 

A guy I knew asked me how old I was? I told him 40. He told me that the next ten years were going to fly by. You know what? He was right! Once you get pass 40 the years fly by. I've read that its because as Einstein said ~ time is relative.

 

The point of my bringing that up is that you've already to given this woman the some of the best years of your life. You've busted your azz for her and the kids, providing them with a good home and all of the necessities of life, and probally many of the luxaries ~ and your reward is a WW who has an attitude issue with you and gives you the fifth degree when you're alone? WTF is wrong with this picture. Sex? Are you having sex or are you having SEX? Are you having hot passionate monkey sex, or is she a warm body?

 

I dumped my last LTR GF because even though the sex was great, that's all that I was getting out of it. Just hot sex. NEWS FLASH! Just sex isn't enough to keep someone around! What are you going to do the other 23 hours and 55 minutes left in the day?

 

Too many women are too quick to spout off at the mouth, and try to play the "D" card. Threatening to leave and dump you. "Hey Babe! You can't do anything worse to me that what I've already been through." The first time a woman plays that trump card, is the day I dump her! Quick, fast, and in a hurry like! I don't play those games.

 

I'd rather be single, alone, and miserable, than in what I was in, and what your in. And, I've been where your at, Bro. You don't have to be single to be alone. And, yea! It was hard going from living in a home, and having a wife and children to living in an apartment, going back to WalMart, Sears, and buyiing all that crap that I'd already bought. (Thank God its cheaper this go-around than it was originally was when I bought it). But, I've gotten use to it now ~ and when I broke up with my last LTR GF eight years ago ~ I was determined to overcome my "weakness" for women. Bottom line? I don't put up with women's BS anymore.

 

Women like Lor, DGirl, Becoming, Lady Jane, Roo that have their act together~ I can deal with. As equals. Women such as CTA's wife, yours, and others ~ I don't play that! I'll put them to the curb for pickup quick!

 

I'm not saying get "hard-corps" with her, but I am saying you need to man up. I don't know what you call what you've got ~ but its not a marriage. And life is just to freaking short, to live it in misery. If you and her are comfortable living in a "martial comma" go for it! Get comfortable with "settling" for less.

 

I can promise you! I don't know of any woman that would do so! If the roles were reversed? You'd be a memory!

 

There are only about 3.6 billion other women out there, who would kill to get what you've got to offer.

 

This woman is disrespecting you, and has seriously disrespected you! She's endangered your life, you health.

 

Go down to Ace Hardware and get a pair! I hear they're having a sale next week! Women tell other women quick, "You don't have to take that off no man!" Well, I'm telling you, you've not got to take what you're taking off any woman. She's not got one damn thing any other woman on the planet has to offer.

 

What I am saying is:

 

Either your in or your out! Make up your mind! Right here and right now! If she walks? You long lost her! You've never had her! You can't lose something you never had! And, you want to stand up? Then tell her! "Either you 110% invested and in this, or you're out!" There is no doubt! In for a penny ~ in for a pound! (Wolf) No doubts!

 

Just that plain, just that simple!

[TheSilentType]

I think your wife is trying to do right by telling you she is not in love you. I mean, after 14 years she still cheated on you with the same guy! And what's not to say that she hasn't do so in that 14 years?

 

She probably feels that she may cheat again in the future, and that there's no point defrauding you by making it seem like she loves you.

 

If you can live with the prospect of her continuing the affair in the future, then stay with her. But I think in her own way she is trying to be honest and telling you that it would be better for you to leave for your own mental well-being. She just can't love you in a way you should be loved.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. But in any case, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

You are the victim here for the most part (although I don't know your story completely enough to say that you haven't done anything to contribute to your wife dissatification)

 

In any case, you stay put where you are. You have no reason to go running. You owe her nothing.

[Gunny376]

Gunny376, you are a tough dude. I thought you might be blowing smoke with your screen name before your rant. Semper Fi

 

I'm a dyed in the wool, card carrying, official, "No-nonsence" ~ "Don't play" United States Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant!

 

LOL! What blows my mind ~ is "they" let me loose out here amongist all these civilians!

 

I went DI mode and "Gunny" on the manager at the local Super Walmart and the local Post Office. Needless to say ~ I get excellent service from both! ( I went off! Long story)

 

 

SemperFi!

[idontunderstandwhy]

Hi folks,

 

Thanks for the replies, especially you Gunny.

I told my wife I am not going to be her safety net. She realizes that the OM does not have the same feelings that she does. She tells me that she doesnt really KNOW him and she wants to. He has moved out of town, so I think she realizes there is nothing that can develop between him and her. She says she likes talking to him on the phone. The fact that he told her he is in a serious relationship bothered her. She still wants us to seperate because she still feels she isnt IN love with me. I am going to use your words on her Gunny. The ones about how she has a home and a family and long history........ I wonder how that is going to turn out.

 

Thanks again everyone

[whichwayisup]

Well, I had a long conversation with my wife yesterday. She told me that she loves me but doesn't feel like she is IN love with me. She told me that she had romantic feelings for OM. Even though the A is over, she feels that because she felt that way, she must not be IN love with me. She feels that we need to spend some time apart to see if she even wants to try to work on our marriage. She wants to see if she will miss me and maybe the feelings will come flooding back. She says she isnt sure what she wants. We talked about divorce and she said no. She said what if we get divorced and its a mistake. We still have great sex. Very passionate and fulfilling. I dont know what she wants and neither does she. What am I supposed to do?

 

She has tranferred feelings for you to the OM...She isn't inlove with him, she has the "beginning" stages of a crush/sexual desire feelings for him like at the start of all relationships. She's NOT thinking clearly and I think once she realizes (when you're not there anymore, if you decide to separate) how life will be with you NOT in it, then possibly she'll come around.

 

Is she really willing to throw away your marriage and family for some man who is still involved (and not going to leave) with someone else? She will be the OW, second best...

 

This is just more proof she isn't thinking clearly.

[whichwayisup]

Hi folks,

 

Thanks for the replies, especially you Gunny.

I told my wife I am not going to be her safety net. She realizes that the OM does not have the same feelings that she does. She tells me that she doesnt really KNOW him and she wants to. He has moved out of town, so I think she realizes there is nothing that can develop between him and her. She says she likes talking to him on the phone. The fact that he told her he is in a serious relationship bothered her. She still wants us to seperate because she still feels she isnt IN love with me. I am going to use your words on her Gunny. The ones about how she has a home and a family and long history........ I wonder how that is going to turn out.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

She can't have him in her life and keep you at the same time. That's selfish and unfair.

 

Sadly though, if she wants to separate, maybe that is the best thing that could happen. Time away from you and all that she is accustomed to will probably HIT her bigtime, once it's not there anymore...She will eventually realize the feelings she has for the OM is not real love, it's based on her feelings and what she gets from him...The addiction of feeling intense crush-like and sexual desire. Again, that's not love...It's lust!

 

I hope for her sake she realizes this, because if she doesn't she may lose you forever....And then be filled with regret later in life.

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well,

 

DW called me this morning from work. Said she is just fed up and now wants a divorce. Said she doesnt care what I do. Doesnt care about me or OM, just wants to not be married anymore.

 

She said, DO whatever you have to do. She said she didnt care if I called OM or not. I guess things have come to a head for her.

 

Now what?

[Roo]

Wish her well and move on, I don't think you should have to move out of YOUR home since this was her decision, but I think you will have to (once the emotionality of it dies down) make whatever decision is best for your children. Act like not necessarily that you dont' care, but that if she's not interested in you, you aren't going to chase her. This is what you call her fighting hard right now to get you to "change back" Stay strong, stick to your guns.

[idontunderstandwhy]

I got another call earlier today from DW.

 

She told me that I have made her feel like her back is against the wall. That she has no other choice but to divorce. She feels that I dont let her make any decisions. Which BLOWS my mind, because she has been dictating EVERYTHING. I finally stood up for myself somewhat, and it really got her angry. She is still trying to keep in contact with OM by phone. (i.e. phone sex) I asked her if HE was the reason and she said he was a small part of it, but the BIG part was that she really wants her freedom. When she told me she wanted a divorce earlier today, I gave her a big dose of reality. I told her if she wanted a divorce, I was no longer going to roll over and play dead. I told her it would not be pretty and that I was not going to be the bad guy. I told her that I would tell our grown children the truth about why we were getting divorced. Needless to say she got very mad at me. (maybe I was wrong to say that) It did feel good though. I dont want my marriage to end, but she seems pretty set on it. I told her how I felt and she told me she doesnt feel the same way. I guess she is going to do what she feels is best for her right now.

[Ladyjane14]

She told me that I have made her feel like her back is against the wall. That she has no other choice but to divorce. She feels that I dont let her make any decisions. Which BLOWS my mind, because she has been dictating EVERYTHING. I finally stood up for myself somewhat, and it really got her angry. She is still trying to keep in contact with OM by phone. (i.e. phone sex) I asked her if HE was the reason and she said he was a small part of it, but the BIG part was that she really wants her freedom. When she told me she wanted a divorce earlier today, I gave her a big dose of reality. I told her if she wanted a divorce, I was no longer going to roll over and play dead. I told her it would not be pretty and that I was not going to be the bad guy. I told her that I would tell our grown children the truth about why we were getting divorced. Needless to say she got very mad at me. (maybe I was wrong to say that) It did feel good though. I dont want my marriage to end, but she seems pretty set on it. I told her how I felt and she told me she doesnt feel the same way. I guess she is going to do what she feels is best for her right now.

 

She's going to go off like a ballistic missile EVERY TIME you interfere with her affair. But that's not going to stop you from doing it, right?

 

This is normal WS behavior. They're like rabid dogs when they don't get their way. That doesn't stop you from doing what's in the best interest of yourself and your family.... and your WS, come to that.

 

Do you honestly think that some internet/phone romance is better for her than a man and a family who truly LOVES her?

No... of course not. But she's got her head up her hindquarters right now and she needs a wake-up call. Everytime you poke her fantasy bubble with a stick, she's naturally going to protest. You're introducing rational thought into something she's IRRATIONAL about. It's like throwing a bucket of cold water onto someone who's dreaming. They're going to sputter and swear.

 

There are REASONS why you do all that. And you'll understand them better is you.....

 

Read a copy of Surviving An Affair by W. Harley, and read through the Basic Concepts section and the How To Survive Infidelity section over at marriagebuilders.com. Pay close attention to the article, What Are Plan A and Plan B down at the bottom of the left inset box on the HT Survive Infidelity page.

 

Hell yes.... If the kids are grown, expose the affair to them. They're powerful allies. Will it piss her off? Will she SWEAR she's going to divorce you out-of-hand? .... Yes, on both counts.

 

Will it make a difference in the outcome of the marriage? .... Not likely. A WS who elects to reconcile WILL forgive "exposure". A WS who elects NOT to reconcile won't. But hey... we don't care much if our EX-spouse is pissed off, now do we?

 

Read the resources I cited above. It'll help you get a "plan" for how you're going to proceed.

 

Conflict is GOOD, grasshopper.

Just make sure it's on YOUR terms.

 

 

 

 

p.s. Read some posts by Owl. His situation was a bit similar to yours initially, and even though he protests... he is WISE.

 

Here's one of his threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

[Gunny376]

But, I've got to go with LJ on this one!

 

Freaking NEWS FLASH!

 

She's not going out of her way to make your life easier, so why should you go out your way to make her's easier?

 

Its "F**k, fight or go for your gun" time my friend! Either way ~ you're on your own! Its every man for himself!

 

You can either "man-up" or "wuss down" the choice is yours!

[Roo]

Keep it up, stay strong, TRUST everyone you are so much better off to stay strong!!

[Gunny376]

Keep it up, stay strong, TRUST everyone you are so much better off to stay strong!!

 

Call me at BR549!!!

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well,

 

My DW has told me she LIKES OM VERY much. He has moved out of state. She says she really doesn't KNOW him, but thinks she wants to. She has told me she wants to get divorced. She told me Friday morning, left for work, called me crying, said she wanted to see her family. She called in to work, and then drove 500 miles to see her family for the weekend. She took our 23 y/o son with her too. She is coming home today after spending time with her mother and my sisters. I think she is going to tell me its definetely over between us. She has told me that none of this is my fault. SHe has said it is all about her. She says she isnt in love with me anymore and wants to be able to spend time with OM if she wants. I feel so helpless. I just dont get how someone can say....OK our marriage is over. Lets get divorced. OUT OF THE BLUE. I am sure she wants a divorce to go REALLY easy. After all the hurt I have been put through, I feel I owe it to myself to make her feel the same way.

 

What is needed to prove adultery in a divorce? And what should I do i the mean time. I dont want a divorce, I want this woman to love me like she used to. PIPE dream I am sure.

[Ladyjane14]

What is needed to prove adultery in a divorce? And what should I do i the mean time. I dont want a divorce, I want this woman to love me like she used to. PIPE dream I am sure.

 

You can find articles on divorcenet.com that will give you information state by state. That said, I do recommend that you speak with an attorney local to your area.

 

Your wife seems fairly determined to carry on her affair. I hope you've been taking advantage of the resources I cited you earlier. Your best bet for continuing the marriage lies there.

 

Your wife will want a nice, amicable divorce. Keep in mind though that a "nice, amicable divorce".... is still a DIVORCE. She'll try to blow some sunshine up your skirt and make you believe that IF you're cooperative... maybe there will be a chance to resume the marriage someday. That's just designed to keep you nice and friendly while she divorces you though. So, be prepared for tears, expessions of regret, and declarations of "confusion".

 

My suggestion to you is that you REFUSE to talk about divorce with her.

 

ie. "Gee honey, I'm not really prepared to talk about divorce. I love you and I want our marriage to work. So, while I'm happy to talk about marriage or going to counseling, I don't know hardly anything about divorce. I guess if you're determined to go through with it... I'll have to retain a lawyer. I'll give you the name when I have one, and you can take up any divorce discussion with him/her."

 

Then go mow the yard, or change the oil in your car, or something else that removes you from the discussion.

 

This will stall her, but it won't stop her indefinitely. Dont engage in argument even if she follows you. Just keep repeating what you've already said.

 

Meanwhile, give some thought as to whether you really do want to stay in the marriage. It's possible that you're experiencing a knee-jerk reaction and wanting to fix this thing without having thought it all through. It might turn out that you're better off without all this cheating and drama in your life. In that case... a nice, cheap, amicable divorce has it's merits, just so long as you don't lose all your assets in it.

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well,

 

DW came home from visiting family. Told me she wants a divorce. Doesn't love me anymore. Hopes OM has feelings for her. Her feelings she had for me are gone, she has those feelings for OM now. Everything she has said to me has been lip service. She said she just wants to be on her own. Doesn't want to be married anymore. She is hoping that things can work out for her and OM. I am to say the least, devestated. I never thought in a million years she would want a divorce. All the hurt she has caused me over the past 6 months is killing me. Besides getting a good attorney, what do I do now? As a little benefit to all this, Tuesday is my 40th birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

[Gunny376]

Broke up over this, distraught, etc.

 

Your WW is talking smack. She doesn't know what she wants. She thinks she does, etc, yadda, yadda, yadda. But she's living in her own little fantasy la~la land.

 

OM? He's got his own insecurites, doubts, worries, problems ~ same as the rest of us. He's not God's gift to all women. He puts his pants on the same as you are I. She's yet to wake up with his foul breath, his foul body odor, to hear him fart in the wind, etc. He's far from perfect ~ and if he was, the Pope would be on the line wanting to talk with him.

 

Me? Having gone down this merry road once, I wouldn't be investing in future pain. I'd handle this quick, fast and in a hurry like. I'd be the answer to her dreams! Life without me! I would be introducing her azz to Mr. Reality. And, then I'd be getting busy, finding myself someone else.

 

What one woman will abuse, another can certainly use. Trust me on this there aren't any shortage of women, and there aren't any shortage of women who wouldn't be appreciative of what you've got to offer.

 

She's disrepecting you! She's saying the OM has more value than you! Forget her! Treat her, the way she's treating you. The problem here isn't her, nor her leaving, nor the divorce, nor the OM, the problem here is you!

How you view yourself, how your value yourself, your self esteem.

[idontunderstandwhy]

Thats it! She is moving out on 10/15. 3 days before our 12th anniversary. Taking our 23 y/o with her. I am so disgusted with myself over this. I cant believe I let her do this to me. Put me through so much pain. I know she will be disappointed with her decision. She is going through a MLC or something. All evidence points in that direction. She is moving in with a friend from work. She seems to be happy with her decision though. My 18 y/o is devestated by this. He doesn't understand why. Does anyone know what evidence is needed to sue for Adultery to get a divorce in NC. I couldn't really find any info online. I will try my hardest to make this very difficult for her financially. i.e. going after her pension and whatever else I can. I am not vindictive person, but in light of what she is doing, I feel almost justified. Thanks for all the posts, keep em coming. This site has been my only outlet lately.

[Gunny376]

North Carolina Grounds for Divorce

 

By DivorceNet Staff

 

Published: February 10, 2005[/sIZE]

 

What are the grounds for divorce in North Carolina?

 

(1) Incurable insanity.

 

(2) Marriages may be dissolved and the parties thereto divorced from the bonds of matrimony on the application of either party, if and when the husband and wife have lived separate and apart for one year, and the plaintiff or defendant in the suit for divorce has resided in the State for a period of six months.

 

(3) Abandonment.

 

(2) Maliciously turning the other out of doors.

 

(4) Cruel or barbarous treatment that endangers the life of the other.

 

(5) Offering such indignities to the person of the other as to render his or her condition intolerable and life burdensome.

 

(6) Becoming an excessive user of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and the life of that spouse burdensome.

 

(7) Adultery.

 

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/north_carolina/north_carolina_grounds_for_divorce

[Gunny376]

look into suing the OM for alienation of affection, which is very much "do-able" in NC. When I was last there a BW sued her husband's OW that he had married after the affair and divorce. She got like 3 million out of the suit.

[idontunderstandwhy]

OOOOOOO, I like that

 

Man NC is good for something. You can actually sue OM for monetary judgement.

 

Gotta look into that.

 

Thanks Gunny

[idontunderstandwhy]

DW called from work today. Told me she is happy with her decision because it is what she wants. She told me she is 100% positive I am not the man for her. I asked her what it was and she said, "Everything, just everything." She wants to get her own life going. Oct. 15 is move out day. She is being extra cold hearted. My birthday is tomorrow and I couldn't be more miserable. Maybe life does begin at 40. Seems more like its over though. I know its going to be hard, I'm sure I'll survive, but I WAS happy.

[idontunderstandwhy]

Well

 

I have OM phone number. Should I call him????

What should I say???

I have been debating this issue.

 

Let me know the best way to proceed