Guest Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 How do you ever trust again after being cheated on ? I constantly check my H's cellphone. I found a number on my h's cell and it was incoming call three times looked it up on the computer and it said a woman's name. I called it and made sure it didn't show my number and got an elderly christian women on the answering machine. Maybe it is a guy he knows ? Should i be concerned. I often check our cell bill for not trusting my h. Everytime i suspect something it turns out to be nothing . Am I being paranoid and it is nothing. Should i think he will cheat again? He has given me no reason to think he is cheating since the last incident. He does get defensive about the cell when asked whose number are these. He says all the time "Why not get them turned off ? He said he was so tired of going through this every month. I got it itemized since he cheated the first time. If he isn't doing anything wrong why get so defensive ? I don't like to be like this but don't want to be made a fool again. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Did you all go through marriage counseling the first time around? I think thats essiental when trying to rebuild trust after an affair has taken place. Just because he cheated once doesn't mean he will do it again. You will have to give him the benifit of the doubt at some point if you want things to try and work. If you have NO trust at all, and are not willing to try, then it might be best to call it quits. If you have not tried marraige counseling, I would go that route first. JMO. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 First off, it takes quite awhile to get that trust back, I know all too well about the cell hell you are going through, been there. It takes time and alot of reaffirmation on your H's behalf. He needs to make the repairs to the things he broke with you in order for you to feel better and so you can start to rebuilding on your own part. Do you still feel that there is some dishonesty on his behalf? I did. And I was right. I didn't have all the answers and truths that I so desperately needed to rebuild our life. I do have the answers and truths I need now. He came completely clean and answered all my questions recently. Now, I no longer even glance occasionly at the cell. It still bothers me a little bit but not even half as bad as it used to. Keep your chin up and your H honest, it is the only way. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 How do you ever trust again after being cheated on ? I constantly check my H's cellphone. I found a number on my h's cell and it was incoming call three times looked it up on the computer and it said a woman's name. I called it and made sure it didn't show my number and got an elderly christian women on the answering machine. Maybe it is a guy he knows ? Should i be concerned. I often check our cell bill for not trusting my h. Everytime i suspect something it turns out to be nothing . Am I being paranoid and it is nothing. Should i think he will cheat again? He has given me no reason to think he is cheating since the last incident. He does get defensive about the cell when asked whose number are these. He says all the time "Why not get them turned off ? He said he was so tired of going through this every month. I got it itemized since he cheated the first time. If he isn't doing anything wrong why get so defensive ? I don't like to be like this but don't want to be made a fool again. "Everytime I suspect something it turns out to be nothing." This is what you should keep in mind. It does sound like paranoia to me. I understand once trust has been broken that its hard to get back, but it can be done. How long has it been since he cheated the first time? Is this still new? Has it been recent? Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 I agree that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's true that your constant questioning of him can lead him to cheat again or else grow resentment towards you. Stop checking his cell phone and looking up numbers he gets on them. It will drive both of you nuts. He's not dumb to take calls from girls knowing you are investigating each number. Give it at least a few months then check, you will find everything's ok and get over it instead of constantly checking and questioning. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Your constant checking is because you are desperately trying to control the situation. But in reality, it's a false sense of security and doesnt do anything. What's the worse thing that can happen? Your husband cheats again. You'll find out, get really pissed off, and then you'll deal with the situation. There's no need to keep checking, you are only driving yourself crazy. Do you really want to continue to live this way? Always checking up on your spouses actions? If he's a liar, he's a liar. If he's a cheater, he's a cheater. But deal with the situation when it happens. As it is, you are adding so much stress to your life because you think you can control it by checking phone records, and you really cant. You are just punishing yourself for his actions. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt, and continue to live YOUR life to the fullest, or get out of this relationship, and continue to live your life to the fullest. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Your constant checking is because you are desperately trying to control the situation. But in reality, it's a false sense of security and doesnt do anything. What's the worse thing that can happen? Your husband cheats again. You'll find out, get really pissed off, and then you'll deal with the situation. There's no need to keep checking, you are only driving yourself crazy. Do you really want to continue to live this way? Always checking up on your spouses actions? If he's a liar, he's a liar. If he's a cheater, he's a cheater. But deal with the situation when it happens. As it is, you are adding so much stress to your life because you think you can control it by checking phone records, and you really cant. You are just punishing yourself for his actions. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt, and continue to live YOUR life to the fullest, or get out of this relationship, and continue to live your life to the fullest. Dgiirl you are right in what you are saying but speaking from what the other person it going through easier said than done. I guess she trusted him so much before and never thought it would happen. Now that it has she expects it to happen again. It does stress you out but isn't it better to know than not know. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 Dgiirl you are right in what you are saying but speaking from what the other person it going through easier said than done. I guess she trusted him so much before and never thought it would happen. Now that it has she expects it to happen again. It does stress you out but isn't it better to know than not know. JMO Yes, I know it's always easier said then done, but this is where you have to look at it logically, and actually follow through with the what if's. Most people get paralyzed because they dont follow through with the what if. They dont come up with an answer or plan of action to the what if. What if he cheats? You find out, get pissed off, and leave. In the big scheme of things, it's not THAT bad. Yes, it hurts like hell, been there done that, but you'll get over it. If it stresses you so much that you are constantly worried about it, then you have to evaluate if that relationship is worth having. She has a choice here. She can decide to leave or she can decide to stay. Niether is right nor wrong, but it is her choice, and both require some sacrifice on her end. Leaving means she doesnt have to worry if he'll cheat on her again, but she loses the relationship. Staying means she gets to keep the relationship, but she has to find a way to forgive him and give him the benefit of the doubt. With her current actions she's imprisoning herself and clearly is not happy. Every time she has to check, she probably feels like crap. Is that a life worth living? Either she lets go of the relationship, and she doesnt need to check anymore, or she lets go of the need to check, and just deals with the situation if it comes. Why worry about something that might never happen? How many days, months, years is she going to waste worrying about something that might never happen? And if she has a plan of action on what to do IF it does happen, then she doesnt have to worry about it until it does happen. So if it DOES happen, you get pissed off and leave him. That's your plan of action. No need to worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 21, 2006 Share Posted August 21, 2006 If it stresses you so much that you are constantly worried about it, then you have to evaluate if that relationship is worth having I second this. I think there comes a time when someone needs to take a step back and see what it is thats more important. I understand people worry and have a hard time trusting again once that trust has been broken, but one has to wonder if the constant worrying about "What if's" is not just as bad. Its not healthy at all. I think if people are going to spend their time, or a good part of their time always wondering, then it might be best to end the situation all together. Link to post Share on other sites
britchick Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 If he cheated on you, he has to accept that you will be suspicious of him for quite a long time. If he is dedicated to rebuilding the trust in your relationship, then he has to be prepared to answer any questions you have. After all if nothing is going on he has nothing to fear. IMHO the cheater doesn't get instant trust back again, they have to work for it. Your worries are perfectly understandable, getting over something like this takes time and a lot of effort from both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 22, 2006 Share Posted August 22, 2006 If he cheated on you, he has to accept that you will be suspicious of him for quite a long time. If he is dedicated to rebuilding the trust in your relationship, then he has to be prepared to answer any questions you have. After all if nothing is going on he has nothing to fear. IMHO the cheater doesn't get instant trust back again, they have to work for it. Your worries are perfectly understandable, getting over something like this takes time and a lot of effort from both sides. Great post britchick! I couldn't agree more with what you have said. I firmly believe that someone shouldn't get so defensive if they have nothing to hide. I still say that he is living with the guilt of the cheating and that is why he is so defensive. Right now till he quits getting so defensive then i will not trust anything he says or does. He has to earn my trust back, but one thing is for sure i will be expecting anything cause it happened once before. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted August 24, 2006 Share Posted August 24, 2006 Great post britchick! I couldn't agree more with what you have said. I firmly believe that someone shouldn't get so defensive if they have nothing to hide. I still say that he is living with the guilt of the cheating and that is why he is so defensive. Right now till he quits getting so defensive then i will not trust anything he says or does. He has to earn my trust back, but one thing is for sure i will be expecting anything cause it happened once before. Just out of curiosty how long has it been since he cheated the first time? Link to post Share on other sites
SadGreenEyes Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 I too am guilty of being suspicious and paranoid at times. Tears us apart, the overthinking of it all. The scenarios we come up with...could he be doing this? Where IS he? Who do these cell numbers belong to? **I did this last week..I had MANY unfamiliar numbers I came across and tried to reverse look them up, and did what you did and went so far as to call a few of them, of course blocking my number. Most if not all were other women...BF's circle of friends he speaks to on the phone are women. Am I comfortable with this? Absolutely not! Do I think he's cheating....hmmm, thats a toughy, but where at times I think he is, I KNOW he isnt..the man cant handle me, he cant handle another woman! Alas..we differ a little bit...I am not a big fan of cheating, never have and never have been cheated on. If I was EVER cheated on, all trust would be lost, without negotiations to renegotiate to gain the trust back. I am in awe of people like you, the ones who are still with their partners after you have caught them cheating on you. I know I could never ever do it or would subject myself to attampt getting over it. In my honest opinion, if he cheated before and I stayed with him, my paranoia and suspicion would reak havoc in my mind and in whats left of my relationship. The man would CONSTANTLY be questioned, and who really cares if he likes it or not? He's the one who cheated in the first place! Good Luck! SGE Link to post Share on other sites
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