I am not who I was.

[hotgurl]

Today is a bad do so I'll just let it out. But I am mad. Mad that I feel older than I am. Mad that my body is betraying me. Mad that I am in pain all the time. Mad that I have crappy insurance and being sick is costing me a small fortune. Mad that all I want to do is cry and then sleep but I cannot. Mad that it seems I have lost myself.

 

I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of who I used to be. I used to be so carefree totally spontanous and the life of the party so to speak and my illness has taken that away from me. So I am not who I was but not who I am to be. So who am I.

 

I also feel like I have been robbed of my innocence and youth to a certain extent.

 

I am really just ranting but am wondering if anyone else who has illnesses feel like this.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi Hotgurl,

 

What is wrong?? What is your illness?

[hotgurl]

Hi Hotgurl,

 

What is wrong?? What is your illness?

 

Well I have three. The worst is basilar migraines they can get very bad and I am I almost constant pain. Then i have esoniphic esophagatis it's kinda like acid reflux but not really. (this one is not so bad) Than I have poly cycstic ovarain diease which can cause problems but so far I just have cysts which are painful.

 

2 years ago I got my migraines really bad and I was on all these drugs and started shaking really bad my job called 911. Then I started throwing up 6 times a day or so for about a year until they could figure out what was wrong. It's been bad for 2 years and I was finally getting better doing really well for like 6 months no it seems like I am back slidding.

 

And it's scary and also causes some anxiety.

[whichwayisup]

Are you talking about your cyst or has something else happened HG?

 

I understand in a way, I'm not the same person as I was before my anxiety disorder. I used to be much more outgoing, just go anywhere, anytime...Now, I have fears and thoughts of 'what if...' It's a struggle sometimes!

[blind_otter]

I felt like that a lot when I was sick. When I had seizures all the time, randomly, after the Lexapro incident, and I couldn't even stay at home by myself. I had to have a babysitter, I called it. Really just a person to watch me in case I had a seizure and fell on something or hit my head or bit my tongue.

 

I have a really, really strong belief in the mind body connection, HG. I went to massage school because I felt so strongly about this. I really made a concerted effort to heal my spirit because western medicine failed me. It made me dependent on drugs, and unable to live my life freely. It aged me. It continued to wound me even while I was being "treated".

 

I'm not saying you should abandon your treatments, but seriously make a spiritual assessment about your life. In whatever direction it takes you. Your mind and body are at odds with each other right now, and that's a warning sign, not a death knell.

 

And if your soul is stronger -- it helps you deal with the physical obstacles much easier.

 

Turns out that I needed a daily spiritual practice that resonated with my mind and body. Which is why I do yoga, for me it's like deep prayer and meditation while I exercise and it has deep significance to me.

 

Being ill for a long time can make you think you're going crazy. But there's a lot going on. THe only thing you can really do is try to do everything else right -- eat really well, I mean see a nutritionist and be evaluated if you have to, and take really good, loving care of your body, as well as your mind and your soul.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but it really helped me.

[blind_otter]

Well I have three. The worst is basilar migraines they can get very bad and I am I almost constant pain.

 

 

Interestingly enough one of my neurologist told me that seizure activity and migrane activity are very similar. Some migranes are treated with depakote, which is also a seizure medication and a mood stabilizer.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, that is alot. I'm sorry that you've got alot going on! I've suffered from migraines as well, they aren't like they used to be, when I had them, I felt terrible, took meds and slept the day away. Any movement or light would make feel worse.

 

You're very strong, even if you don't feel it now. Live for your good days and accept the bad ones as just that.

[hotgurl]

I felt like that a lot when I was sick. When I had seizures all the time, randomly, after the Lexapro incident, and I couldn't even stay at home by myself. I had to have a babysitter, I called it. Really just a person to watch me in case I had a seizure and fell on something or hit my head or bit my tongue.

 

I have a really, really strong belief in the mind body connection, HG. I went to massage school because I felt so strongly about this. I really made a concerted effort to heal my spirit because western medicine failed me. It made me dependent on drugs, and unable to live my life freely. It aged me. It continued to wound me even while I was being "treated".

 

I'm not saying you should abandon your treatments, but seriously make a spiritual assessment about your life. In whatever direction it takes you. Your mind and body are at odds with each other right now, and that's a warning sign, not a death knell.

 

And if your soul is stronger -- it helps you deal with the physical obstacles much easier.

 

Turns out that I needed a daily spiritual practice that resonated with my mind and body. Which is why I do yoga, for me it's like deep prayer and meditation while I exercise and it has deep significance to me.

 

Being ill for a long time can make you think you're going crazy. But there's a lot going on. THe only thing you can really do is try to do everything else right -- eat really well, I mean see a nutritionist and be evaluated if you have to, and take really good, loving care of your body, as well as your mind and your soul.

 

I don't know if this will help you, but it really helped me.

 

Well I was on 8-10 different drugs and have been able to cut down to 2. I probably need to go back on the third one. Mostly because of diet changes. I have problems with cetain foods and stopped eating processedd foods (for the most part)

 

In the past six months I have stopped taking time for myself and have instead been consentrating on the house.

 

I often thought of going to church again when I was sick being raised Catholic but I found my personal beliefs conflict a lot with the church.

 

I should start yoga gain and I like acupunture a lot but I had to stop due to money. I was great just meditating for like 40 minutes during the treatment.

 

I so agree with you but I also am so worn down that I don't feel like I have the eneegy to do what I need to and take care of myself. But if I don't than I won't get more energy and keep feeling run down a catch 22.

[hotgurl]

Wow, that is alot. I'm sorry that you've got alot going on! I've suffered from migraines as well, they aren't like they used to be, when I had them, I felt terrible, took meds and slept the day away. Any movement or light would make feel worse.

 

You're very strong, even if you don't feel it now. Live for your good days and accept the bad ones as just that.

 

I try to do that. It just feels like sometimes on my bad days I need to rest or cry and I can not because I have to work and take care of my Daughter and etc.. etc....

 

I really feel like I need a part time job but I can't afford it.

 

The migraines are the worst. The cyst just has me bummed.

[blind_otter]

That's the thing about taking good care of yourself. It's a lot of front-loading the effort. It feels like hard work. I guess the idea is repitition, enough that you get to the point where taking good care of yourself is instinctual. A lot of us never learned that in our childhoods.

 

Is your BF taking up the slack? You know, are you communicating your needs clearly right now? It's hard to ask for help...

[hotgurl]

That's the thing about taking good care of yourself. It's a lot of front-loading the effort. It feels like hard work. I guess the idea is repitition, enough that you get to the point where taking good care of yourself is instinctual. A lot of us never learned that in our childhoods.

 

Is your BF taking up the slack? You know, are you communicating your needs clearly right now? It's hard to ask for help...

 

I have a hard time asking for help. I know I should because they are capable of it.

[Sassy]

HG sorry your dealing with this . Hugs to you!

[blind_otter]

I though so. I have a hard time asking for help too. I wonder sometimes if that made dealing with my long term illness even more difficult because when I really should have asked for help, I didn't. And I ended up resenting my caregivers a lot. I guess I thought they should just know when I needed help. Which is dumb, who's psychic?

 

Treasure yourself, HG. Really. Get a massage, enjoy your body, love your physical body. I have a feel that there's been a lot of resentment brewing between your mind and body. I can feel the frustration in your words, that your body doesn't obey you. You need to heal the bad relationship you have with your body.

[hotgurl]

I though so. I have a hard time asking for help too. I wonder sometimes if that made dealing with my long term illness even more difficult because when I really should have asked for help, I didn't. And I ended up resenting my caregivers a lot. I guess I thought they should just know when I needed help. Which is dumb, who's psychic?

 

Treasure yourself, HG. Really. Get a massage, enjoy your body, love your physical body. I have a feel that there's been a lot of resentment brewing between your mind and body. I can feel the frustration in your words, that your body doesn't obey you. You need to heal the bad relationship you have with your body.

 

Your right I do hate my body I feel like I have been betrayed. It was fine one day and than next nada.

 

I guess I am also trying to figure out where I stand. I am not who I once was and I don't want to be a sick person. So where do I go from here.

[blind_otter]

Have you ever heard the George Harrison song "All things must pass"?

 

One of the hard parts about being human is that you constantly have to adjust to change. Changing environment, changing personal life. Changing physical body, even. Nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary.

 

I think it's a good idea to try to keep your mind current. You know. You can't compare what you were to what you are or even to what you will be.

 

You're job should be to figure out where you stand. That's where BF comes in, and your kiddo, too. They can all step up in whatever capacity that they're capable of, to help you get to the point where you can really focus most of your energy on healing. This may necessitate a serious conversation, and advice from the doctors, and maybe some self reflection about what youre limitations are NOW (not what you think they are, based on how you used to be. Things are different now. time to re-evaluate...).

 

Once you get a clear idea of how to delegate your responsibilities, and once you clearly communicate your needs to your family, you'll feel better. IMO, anyways.

[Asafan]

Today is a bad do so I'll just let it out. But I am mad. Mad that I feel older than I am. Mad that my body is betraying me. Mad that I am in pain all the time. Mad that I have crappy insurance and being sick is costing me a small fortune. Mad that all I want to do is cry and then sleep but I cannot. Mad that it seems I have lost myself.

 

I feel like I have been robbed. Robbed of who I used to be. I used to be so carefree totally spontanous and the life of the party so to speak and my illness has taken that away from me. So I am not who I was but not who I am to be. So who am I.

 

I also feel like I have been robbed of my innocence and youth to a certain extent.

 

I am really just ranting but am wondering if anyone else who has illnesses feel like this.

 

Wow HG. You sound just like my wife . Constant migraines, chronic back and neck pain, anxiety, depression, always going to doctors, etc. I tell her all the time to take care of herself and she never does. It doesn't help that we have a very active 2 year old and a 7 year old with ADD and no money for a sitter from time to time. It really sucks.

[a4a]

Have you tried accupuncture?

 

If your current program is not working for you you need to take the responsiblity to try another.

 

A friend of mine used to be crippled with migraines often..... Peanuts were the key factor to the majority of them. Food in general can have a huge impact/ cause reactions.....additives, chemicals, even food that has a healthy label is not always so healthy.

 

As for the cyst....... I think a dr. would be a little more proactive in addressing such a thing..... perhaps it is time to switch docs?

[hotgurl]

Have you tried accupuncture?

 

If your current program is not working for you you need to take the responsiblity to try another.

 

A friend of mine used to be crippled with migraines often..... Peanuts were the key factor to the majority of them. Food in general can have a huge impact/ cause reactions.....additives, chemicals, even food that has a healthy label is not always so healthy.

 

As for the cyst....... I think a dr. would be a little more proactive in addressing such a thing..... perhaps it is time to switch docs?

 

Actually I have an accupunture treatment Wednesday. I used to go more but ran out of money. When I was really bad I did everything and it helped but it was costing $300 a month. I did therapy yoga accupunture & meds. i just couldn't afford it.

 

So now i am doing accupunture again maybe if I can go once a month. I do have an appt sept 5th for the cyst. They wanted to see if it would go away on it's own and it hasn't.

 

I did buy yoga tapes to do at home. I know I cannot eat artifical sweetners or MSG. Also I was thinking that soemtiems I get migrans after I exert myself too much. And this weekend I spent pulling up floorboards.

 

peanuts hmm. I got allergy tested but I tested negative for peanuts but I am allergic to horses & dust.

[a4a]

Actually I have an accupunture treatment Wednesday. I used to go more but ran out of money. When I was really bad I did everything and it helped but it was costing $300 a month. I did therapy yoga accupunture & meds. i just couldn't afford it.

 

So now i am doing accupunture again maybe if I can go once a month. I do have an appt sept 5th for the cyst. They wanted to see if it would go away on it's own and it hasn't.

 

I did buy yoga tapes to do at home. I know I cannot eat artifical sweetners or MSG. Also I was thinking that soemtiems I get migrans after I exert myself too much. And this weekend I spent pulling up floorboards.

 

peanuts hmm. I got allergy tested but I tested negative for peanuts but I am allergic to horses & dust.

 

Maybe there is something in your house?

I have that problem...... what I thought were allergies are not. Something in this house makes me sneeze and kills my sinuses.

 

Good the doc is back on the cyst case. What are the options?

[hotgurl]

Maybe there is something in your house?

I have that problem...... what I thought were allergies are not. Something in this house makes me sneeze and kills my sinuses.

 

Good the doc is back on the cyst case. What are the options?

 

For the cysts unless they burst on thier own the only option is surgery. i am trying acupunture before surgery. She said she could help with the cysts as well as the migraines and it did help me in the past.

 

The house well we moved in Jan. The only thing I can think of is the bathroom has a mildewy carpet and mold in the walls. We are ripping it all out and remodeling but can't do it till Jan for $$ reasons.

 

Did you figure out what it is your house that is buggin you?

[a4a]

Did you figure out what it is your house that is buggin you?

 

yeah my husband........ :lmao:

 

no not yet but I am sure it is a building issue, I am fine until I get home... or again it could all be in my head and be the H..... like my eye twitch when he calls me on the phone........

[2sunny]

yeah my husband........ :lmao:

 

I am fine until I get home... it could the H..... like my eye twitch when he calls me on the phone........

 

 

:lmao:

 

Problem solved! Just grow your bangs longer! :lmao:

[hotgurl]

yeah my husband........ :lmao:

 

no not yet but I am sure it is a building issue, I am fine until I get home... or again it could all be in my head and be the H..... like my eye twitch when he calls me on the phone........

 

LOL. Well I had this problem for a while and I have lived in three different places. Hormones have a lot to do with it and stress as well. But then again I am always stressed!

[blind_otter]

It cracks me up that all the things that could help, preventatively, are prohibitively expensive.

 

Life is so hilariously tragic. I'm going to become a mumbling crazy person.

[Outcast]

Have you tried a full elimination diet? It's the one where you stop eating everything but I think maybe chicken and rice for a while and then gradually add things back. I think allergists do it but it works really well to uncover food sensitivities.

 

I've heard of other folks who were ill like you for years and finally figured out that they had become sensitive to some foods. In fact my best buddy did it and found out that tomatoes, which she LOVES, are very bad for her and she had to stop eating them except rarely but it helped her a lot. If you've never done it, I think it would be worth a shot.