My best friend is a b*tch

[prncssfce9]

Ok ... so i just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. And I have this friend who I was looking to for a little bit of comfort. In the past I have helped her through some tough situations and I guess I was sort of hoping that I could count on her now.

 

Up until this point she was been great. She invited me to her house the first week it happened and she talked to me, and bought me ice cream and listened to me cry. She was great. She had always been a great friend and that is why I was looking to her for some compassion.

 

Yesterday I was feeling really down. I was alone in my apartment, and I felt sad and lonely. I tried calling all my friends but they were all too busy to talk or only wanted to talk about themselves ... which normally I wouldn't mind but I sort of needed a shoulder to cry on.

 

I called "her" the friend in question and she was obviously in a bad mood. I started talking about how I called all my friends and none of them had the time for me etc. I'll admit I was having a little pity party but I felt entitled to one. Anyway ... she got real bitchy on the phone and started yelling at me about "eating worms" and feeling bad for myself. It seemed to me like she was essentially telling me to get over it and quit bitching. It hurt my feelings, so I hung up on her. Later that night I wrote her an email saying all the thing that I felt after the conversation with her. She wrote me back this morning bitching even more about me ... and she actually used the phrase "no wonder you don't have any friends". OUCH

 

I'm sure she said it with some level of sarcasm ... but nonetheless it was a cold and hurtful thing to say ... Do I have a right to be upset by this or am I being unreasonable?

[AtLongLast]

pardon my french. That's ****ed up. I know how you feel though. I friend ended up dating/sleeping with (or whatever else) my ex. There goes that friend. As for the rest of them, they all do the nice thing and tell me I was too good for him. None of which makes me feel any better.

 

You did the right thing in telling her how you felt. She did not do the right thing inyelling at you again. It's called empathy, she should try it some time. Remember she will get hers. Just you wait.

 

As for you. Be your own best friend. It sounds stupid, but it really works. When I am sitting there feeling bad for myself (this is often) I usually do something I like to do. Something I may not have done in a while. Order take out. Rent a movie. Or better yet, go to one. It feels weird at first, going by yourself, but really it is a form of therapy. You learn that the only person you can really rely on is yourself. Sadly, this is true. People today are too caught up in "being happy" all the time to truly appreciate antoher person who is hurting and in need. It isn't a perfect theory, but it does help when I really need someone. I am always there. I can bad mouth, cry, complain, think of the good, think of the bad and I never get tired of hearing it. I am my own best friend. Now and forever.

 

Feel better. Take care of yourself.

[prncssfce9]

Thanks ... and sorry about your friend!

 

This girl has been great in the past ... I'm chalking this all up to her being in a bad mood but my point is that she is ALWAYS in a bad mood and I am ALWAYS there for her when she is. Then she tells me that it is wrong for ME to feel bad about myself?!?! Hi pot, I'm the kettle, YOU'RE BLACK

 

All she keeps doing is telling me that this was my decsion (b/c i ended the relationship) and that the bad situation I am in b/c of the relationship is b/c of the choices I made ... ok that might be true but what she is doing is basically saying "it's your own faulT' I KNOW THAT... THATS WHY I'M SAD I just don't see why she thinks saying that to me will help.

 

I got really pissed in the email I sent her ...I called her a self absorbed bitch ... that apparently upset her ... but that is how she is acting. At least to me, like her problems are worse than mine so mine aren't as important. She doesn't say it ... but she acts that way ...

 

I called her at work and lft a voice message for her saying I was sorry ... But I cried and I hate crying ... she'll probably throw that back at me later too.

 

UGH like things weren;t bad enough losing my bf of 4 years ... now my best friend is being mean too!

[blind_otter]

When you're going through hard times don't lean too heavily on anyone else. Deal with it yourself and use your friends as a backup, rather than the primary way to cope.

 

It's too much pressure on someone else, to be there for you, when they very well may have their own personal issues to attend to.

 

She reacted badly when you called her. Instead of hanging up and letting it go you kind of tried to put the fire out with gasoline by venting how you felt after the phone conversation....immediately AFTER you hung up on her. Sometimes I miss the time lags from the old days.

 

It's good, when you're angry, to sit with yourself. Breathe. Focus on making yourself feel better. Don't ever vent immediately. You end up saying things that you regret later on.

 

Make an appointment to see the person you are angry with, in a few days. Give yourself AND them, time to cool off. THen you're guaranteed to have a calmer exchange where you both can really get at what's bothering you rather than venting and just hurting each other more.

[prncssfce9]

its been over a week and she still hasn't called me. i even sent her one of those silly e greeting cards saying i was sorry .... still nothing. is she being unreasonable here? she said just as many hurtful things to me as i her ... if not more but SHE is the one still pissed?

 

should i even bother caring about this anymore. what kind of a friend ditched you when are you already low. shouldn't a good friend expect you to be bitchy at times like this?

[Touche]

Could she have been insulted that you mentioned calling all your other friends FIRST? I think that would have kind of made me feel bad if I were your friend. You should have kept that to yourself.

 

It came across as if you were just settling for her since your other friends weren't available.

[prncssfce9]

no i called her first ... but i got her voicemail ... then called everyone else. then she called back but by that point i was sad ... she does have a tendency to be selfish and i told her that. now she won't talk to me.

[Touche]

no i called her first ... but i got her voicemail ... then called everyone else. then she called back but by that point i was sad ... she does have a tendency to be selfish and i told her that. now she won't talk to me.

 

Well I don't know why you even want to be friends with someone you consider to be selfish. Anyway, you've apologized and there's nothing more you can do. The ball is in her court now.

[lindya]

When you're going through hard times don't lean too heavily on anyone else. Deal with it yourself and use your friends as a backup, rather than the primary way to cope.

 

I agree. I generally find it's helpful to show appreciation to anyone who does take the time to check up on you and listen to your woes...but to assume that friends are obligated to do so because they're your friends can be counter-productive, and can also make them feel a little taken for granted.

 

prncssfce9, I'm sure we've all got a few friends who aren't particularly great in an emotional crisis, but it doesn't mean we don't derive some positives from their friendship in other situations. Some people are just blunt and harsh at inappropriate times. I suppose you have to measure up a) whether they have other more likeable qualities that make it worth staying in touch with them, and b) whether you've a tough enough hide to cope when their insensitive side comes out.

 

Then there's always option c...ie using the friendship for a bit of (good natured) sparring practice to assist you in asserting yourself a bit more. That doesn't mean hurling insults at a friend who's hurt your feelings, but it does mean finding ways of letting them know "that was a bit off" without making a major deal of it.

[Roo]

OK first question..

 

How long has it been since the breakup how long have you been wallowing in this..

 

maybe she's just at the breaking point of being able to listen to it anymore because nothing she says makes it any better and you just continue to be just as sad and self-pity'ing as before?

 

Maybe she's actually worried for you and it's draining her htat you are so constantly upset?

 

Or maybe she's just pissed off that you've only talked about you and YOUR problem since the break up, perhaps... something has happened in her life and she' not felt like she can tell youbecause you're a mess?

[Mary3]

pardon my french. That's ****ed up. I know how you feel though. I friend ended up dating/sleeping with (or whatever else) my ex. There goes that friend. As for the rest of them, they all do the nice thing and tell me I was too good for him. None of which makes me feel any better.

 

You did the right thing in telling her how you felt. She did not do the right thing inyelling at you again. It's called empathy, she should try it some time. Remember she will get hers. Just you wait.

 

As for you. Be your own best friend. It sounds stupid, but it really works. When I am sitting there feeling bad for myself (this is often) I usually do something I like to do. Something I may not have done in a while. Order take out. Rent a movie. Or better yet, go to one. It feels weird at first, going by yourself, but really it is a form of therapy. You learn that the only person you can really rely on is yourself. Sadly, this is true. People today are too caught up in "being happy" all the time to truly appreciate antoher person who is hurting and in need. It isn't a perfect theory, but it does help when I really need someone. I am always there. I can bad mouth, cry, complain, think of the good, think of the bad and I never get tired of hearing it. I am my own best friend. Now and forever.

 

Feel better. Take care of yourself.

 

OMG Beautifully Quoted ! If only we can get more people to care and love themselves........

[Kittiecat]

If she truly is your best friend, you should be able to say anything to each other and not have weird silence after a week.

 

Blind Otter has a good point, though...try to talk with her after you two have cooled down.

 

If she doesn't want to talk, there's not much else you can do.

[prncssfce9]

just an undate .. still no contact but i am pretty much over it. the more i think about it, you all are right. for her to act this way just shows that she isn't or wasn't a very good friend. more than that when i look back she was acting weird for a long time and myself and all our mutual friends think she is running away from something herself ... she has apparently alienated us all now ... i was just the last one.

 

Oh well ... i wish her the best

[moises786]

its been over a week and she still hasn't called me. i even sent her one of those silly e greeting cards saying i was sorry .... still nothing. is she being unreasonable here? she said just as many hurtful things to me as i her ... if not more but SHE is the one still pissed?

 

should i even bother caring about this anymore. what kind of a friend ditched you when are you already low. shouldn't a good friend expect you to be bitchy at times like this?

 

its funny one of my friends today placed me b4 a hoe so watever it show that "best friends" arent always wat u think?? so ur friend is just mad she'll get over it . my friend gets tried of hearing my problems and i can tell so i dnt brother with him any more so watever! thats ok u move on and learn that "friends " can't ever b "best" friends. I have learn to nvr put standards in friends what i mean to say is to not have sirten expectentions from em'.

[prncssfce9]

Just a response to Roo - at the point when all this had happened i literally JUST broke up with him. We were living together and he had moved out 2 days earlier. and IF what you say is true it's even more f*ed up b/c i sat and listened to her cry about her husband leaving for over a year! and then she dated this total loser for 4 months and cried about HIM for 6 more months not to mention the time she bitched while with him! Hell she almost got arrested b/c of THAT guy and I sat and listened ... my 4 year bf moved out 2 days ago and I called her saying i was lonely ... apprently that was too much to ask of her.

 

And it's not like "all I was talking about was me" she got mad at me on the phone b/c she sounded pissed off and I asked HER what was wrong, she got mad at told me to "respect her boundaries". She is a weird egg to begin with and I think there is more going on here than an issue with me ... whatever I have actually been happier NOT talking to her ... i don't feel as ****ty about myself b/c shes not there telling me how ridiculous my feelings are anymore ... good riddence to her as far as i am concerned.

[Mary3]

Just a response to Roo - at the point when all this had happened i literally JUST broke up with him. We were living together and he had moved out 2 days earlier. and IF what you say is true it's even more f*ed up b/c i sat and listened to her cry about her husband leaving for over a year! and then she dated this total loser for 4 months and cried about HIM for 6 more months not to mention the time she bitched while with him! Hell she almost got arrested b/c of THAT guy and I sat and listened ... my 4 year bf moved out 2 days ago and I called her saying i was lonely ... apprently that was too much to ask of her.

 

And it's not like "all I was talking about was me" she got mad at me on the phone b/c she sounded pissed off and I asked HER what was wrong, she got mad at told me to "respect her boundaries". She is a weird egg to begin with and I think there is more going on here than an issue with me ... whatever I have actually been happier NOT talking to her ... i don't feel as ****ty about myself b/c shes not there telling me how ridiculous my feelings are anymore ... good riddence to her as far as i am concerned.

 

AMEN ! .............