Hurts to stay, hurts to go

[poisonous_butterfly]

I'm feeling so conflicted right now....

 

I've been with Adam for two years. We've lived together for one of those. He's a genuine guy, very real; we have fun together and he's my best friend.

 

I don't think I should stay with him.

 

Over the past few months or so I've realized some things about him and about myself that are in constant conflict. I'm a very emotional person and I need to talk things out when I have a problem. He rarely shows emotion, like a robot, and he bottles everything up. When I need to vent to him, he refers to it as "bitching".

 

I'm going to school for a masters degree. I've always lived by learning and by setting goals. He's not going to school even though his parents will pay for it. His only interest is in getting a job that will pay him enough money to survive and buy video games. I can think of easily 20 jobs that I would be interested in; he says he can't think of a job he will enjoy and he'll never have one. I can't have an intellectual conversation with him. He hasn't picked up a book since high school, I'm sure (5 years ago for him).

 

I've always made the excuse that he's the best I can do, I don't want to get back into the dating game because I'm not going to find a guy with those traits. Then I did. Now, I'm not saying that Matt (new guy who has entered my life....we're just friends and we are NOT doing anything outside of that realm, although I get the feeling that if I were single too, something might happen) is perfect and I want to break up with Adam to be with him. I'm saying Matt was my excuse-breaker and I'm left kind of shell-shocked ever since I met him.

 

I've talked to Adam about the problems I think we're having; he basically said he's not changing and he doesn't want me to leave, but if I'm not happy he won't make me stay. I'm wondering what that means. After two years, is it too idealistic of me to want a guy who will try his hardest to hang on to me? I don't want permission to go. I want him to do his damndest to get me to stay. Or is that just a stupid hollywood notion?

 

The other thing is a conversation that happened the other night. This is what I think is maybe my wake-up call to leave. I've been talking about taking a year off to go teach in Japan. It's been a dream of mine for nearly three years, and Adam has known that as long as he's known me. At one point he said he would go with me. But now that I've saved up some money and had to quit my day job because they weren't working with my class schedule, if I don't get another good job soon I may just go while I have the chance. Adam is now saying that if I go, I'll lose him. I even went so far as to tell him that we could go to the justice of the peace and get married so that he could go with me (I know that was a dumb move, I was a little drunk). He said no. I asked if he would visit me. He said he hates long plane rides, so no. He said a year is a long time not to date or sleep with anyone and he doesn't know if he could do it.

 

That should be my answer right there, right? Even if I DON'T go to Japan.

 

On the other hand....I love him. I don't want to lose him as a friend. Sometimes I don't know that he's done anything wrong enough to break our relationship. I've been abused in the past, I've been cheated on, but he's never done anything remotely close. Isn't that rare enough? I still enjoy his company. I'm so comfortable with him. I still love talking to him. I will be losing quite a bit if I lose him.

 

Then there's the moving out part...I have to wait until I have steady employment....I have to find a place I can afford on my own....neither of which are easy things. I almost wish we could be friends and roommates instead of lovers, which ain't gonna happen.

 

I'm going back and forth in my head, and meanwhile this whole idea that we may not stay together is the elephant in the corner that we're not really talking about. Then again, it's not like the indecision is making me any happier, and I want to be happy again.

 

Help?

[swirly27]

I'm feeling so conflicted right now....

 

 

On the other hand....I love him. I don't want to lose him as a friend. Sometimes I don't know that he's done anything wrong enough to break our relationship. I've been abused in the past, I've been cheated on, but he's never done anything remotely close. Isn't that rare enough? I still enjoy his company. I'm so comfortable with him. I still love talking to him. I will be losing quite a bit if I lose him.

 

Then there's the moving out part...I have to wait until I have steady employment....I have to find a place I can afford on my own....neither of which are easy things. I almost wish we could be friends and roommates instead of lovers, which ain't gonna happen.

 

I'm going back and forth in my head, and meanwhile this whole idea that we may not stay together is the elephant in the corner that we're not really talking about. Then again, it's not like the indecision is making me any happier, and I want to be happy again.

 

Help?

 

Butterfly -

It seems to me that you already know what you need to do and should do but its just the common fear of possibly being alone and not finding someone else, which we all fear. But you say you want to be happy again - are you happy now? Is staying with him making you happy? Just because he hasn't cheated on you or abused you does not mean he is the right guy for you because you won't find better. The people out there who are genuinely happy are those are those that know how they deserve to be treated and accept nothing less. We are all imperfect and make mistakes, but your life partner should be supportive, especially when it comes to your dreams and goals, should be interested in sharing a life with you and should have a bond with you. I am a romantic at heart and sometimes think I read too many romance novels.....but I have living examples in my life of good relationships and a relationship is a partnership, not two pieces co-existing so they don't have to be alone. The way he sounds, I am not understanding why he wants this relationship either, he sounds so uninterested.

[larryalobo]

Look - you're still young and developing a career. He's still just wanting to get by. The question is not about feelings or how long you have been with him. It's about - Can I be the person I want to be with him? Can he be the kind of person I want or need with how I want to be in life (personal, professional, spiritual).

 

Being friends? - maybe but probably not. Some people can do it but most don't - we can be friendsly. The opportunities you can get now may help you with where you want to be in 5+ years. It's not all about a career but getting set up now helps you later no matter who you choose or who chooses you. It hurts - so do a lot of other things that help us in life. It hurts now, hurts later, hurts eventually.

 

He may be a nice guy and has done nothing wrong but that is not the basis to make a decision for you. Not doing wrong does not mean he is doing best for you. Time to move on. Not cold and calculating - is realizing you want to go where he doesn't and maybe you've moved beyond where he wishes to remain. Good luck.