A mans pov on booby staring?

[a4a]

Whoops, I said I was done, but I have to respond to this one.....

 

My goal is save this marriage, and avoid heartbreak. My comments may sound harsh, but everything I've posted happened to me, and it's what saved MY marriage, and made it stronger than it could've ever been.

 

I want these two to have what we have. I want everyone to have what we have.....yes this is my, "Christian", way.....

Tough love....

 

See Moose I don't want what you have, nor does my husband. He does not want a submissive wife..... I don't even want kids.

 

Your idea of a good marriage is not ours...... so your method would not get us what we want. We do not agree with the type of marriage that you believe in your view to be the ideal one. We even think gay folks should be able to marry if they really want to, so we are so different than you and our goals are different, our needs, and our values.

 

RP's marriage is not my ideal one either....but hell if she likes it good for her! not a damn thing wrong with it (and I mean that).

 

People who really dig threesomes in their marriage.......not my ideal....but heck if that is what they want and it harms no other..... more power to em.

 

You do not train a jumper prospect to run barrels, or you end up with a barrel racer

 

You are not doing this for my benefit, but much like others that have the need to think that all people should be just like them and need to validate themselves.

[Moose]

But you were an alcoholic correct Moose?? Did your wife start to let you fall flat on your face when she started going to Alanon?? Or what exactly turned it around??

Not, "were", and alcoholic, AM an alcoholic......needed clarification there...

 

When she started going to Alanon, she found out how much of an enabler she really was. All of that stopped, and she left the problem with me, and yes, ultimately it lead to me being alone with it, and I had to deal with it MYSELF.

 

These principals can apply to ALOT of situations.....

[Becoming]

I wonder if this is a guy thing. My Boyfriend sometimes won't believe me. I will say x and he'll disregard it until someone else tells him.

 

For example we are remodeling the bathroom and the floor has this gross mildew carpet. So he thought lets do the floor now and than the rest. But we are gutting the whole thing and moving around stuff. I said we can't do that unless it's a temporary solution. He so didn't believe me untilt he contractor told him the same thing.

 

Oh, yeah! Same here. We were almost divorced over the bathroom.

 

Sorry the chart didn't translate. I'll try again.

[Roo]

A4A I have a LOT of reading to do to fully understand before I can respond from my own heart, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now in your marriage but I do believe from what I've read so far you would benefit greatly from any from a series of books written by harriet Lerner a psychologist who specializes in women and relationships. Given your current state of mind The Dance of ANGER might be the best one to start with, I also HIGHLY reccomend the Dance of intimacy. They are quick and easy reads but may give you some insight on how to change your behavior thereby changing his response to you. IE changing your part of the dance.... either can be found on e-bay superbly cheap.. I'll be back once I really have read.. good luck to you Marriage is such hard work.

[Moose]

See Moose I don't want what you have, nor does my husband. He does not want a submissive wife..... I don't even want kids.

See a4a, you don't understand where I'm coming from. Everyone wants:

 

Peace

Comfort

Companionship

Understanding

 

in a marriage, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR VALUES ARE....

 

I'm trying to show you how to get there, or at least how we got there. It doesn't have a friggin' thing to do with what you believe in, or your ideals of marriage.

 

It's all about how a man thinks, and responds. My experiences should be valueable to you.....but you're reading too much into me and my beliefs....you already have a pre-conceived notion about me and you're allowing that to cloud your understanding about where I'm actually coming from.....

[a4a]

Here's what I wrote to H that I had copied into my journal. We actually set up a VISUAL love bank like behavior modification for children, which worked somewhat, though it sounds kinda crazy. This was over a year ago, and it helped him make the connections where previously, the bridge was out.

 

 

 

This chart was accompanied by a list of things that he could do to make regular deposits in my love bank as well. We went on to quantify all this, like "initiating sex"=5 marbles. Planning an elaborate date (more than the usual dinner and/or movie)=10 marbles. Planning a special weekend away arranging for all children and pets to be cared for=25 marbles, etc. A compliment got 1 or whatever.

 

We actually had a jar for each of us that was a love bank. :lmao: I know, but it worked! Especially the day he made me so livid I just walked in, pointed at the chart, took his love bank with all the marbles he'd earned for doing good things for me and dumped them all in the floor in front of him and walked out!

 

We worked on refining the system later. I just kept pointing to the chart and telling him why marbles were being put in or out of his love bank, as he did to me (and there were some surprises for me!) It became a silly game we made fun of even as we had to admit it worked.

 

I only wish we'd done this a year in. It helped him see what counted, and that was really helpful, because men really want to please us. They're just often clueless about what counts in our eyes, and we have to tell them, as they do us.

 

One of the best gifts you could give him is a list of what counts as an acceptable love offering to you. If you haven't already, explain the love bank concept to him. And what happens when he's overdrawn. Declare an amnesty tonight, and start over, dropping marbles in his jar for all the good things he is/does in front of him, building him up. Then tell him what causes withdrawals by approximate amts., too, and ask for the same from him for you.

 

All the best to you. And here's hoping there's a next anniversary that'll be even better.

 

Thank you for all that effort becoming!!! See I really do appreciate effort! really thank you for the chart copied it to word and will work on it.

 

I am thinking the marble idea may really work. But sh*t right now as mad as I am he might take away all my marbles!!

 

where the hell do you get marbles at this day and age They still make em?

 

and what if I have already lost my "marbles".... will it still work?

 

(sorry need to be a smartass for a moment)

 

This might work.

 

but I really don't see how I could earn a single marble right now if I had to put a jar out with my name on it.... I just am beat.

 

not pooping on the idea. I am serious. I don't have it in me to feel kindness towards him right now......just sadness.

 

Guess I have to buck up with an empty jar for a bit huh?

[Becoming]

Unacceptable Behavior

Consequence that Will Result

 

Yelling—even in tone of voice

1 Reminder, then removal

 

50/50 dependability—not doing what sd. would do

1 Reminder, then withdrawal from lovebank and lack of respect in my eyes

 

Sarcastic put-downs

Exposure, lack of respect

 

Minimizations of my wants & feelings thru lack of attn. When brought

up or verbal put-downs or piggybacking his issues onto mine at expense of mine

Exposure, major w/drwl from love bank, removal!

 

Raising an issue that bothers me only to end up “slapped” in return w/ gaslighting or blame w/o my initial problem being addressed

Exposure, major withdrawal from love bank, removal

 

Deceit/hiding/equivocation/lying

Exposure and appropriate measures taken to secure myself in my truth

which will not include your reality at all!

 

Excuses/"But I meant well!"

Exposure, lack of respect, removal

 

Fluster-buster unreality BSing

Exposure, 1 warning, removal

 

Intimacy baiting/Sexual teasing w/o follow-through

Major withdrawal from love bank, removal to guest bedroom

 

Lack of consideration of my input in decision-making

Exposure, 1 warning, removal

 

Being hit with sulky silence

Major withdrawal from love bank

[JamesM]

I wonder if this is a guy thing. My Boyfriend sometimes won't believe me. I will say x and he'll disregard it until someone else tells him.

 

For example we are remodeling the bathroom and the floor has this gross mildew carpet. So he thought lets do the floor now and than the rest. But we are gutting the whole thing and moving around stuff. I said we can't do that unless it's a temporary solution. He so didn't believe me untilt he contractor told him the same thing.

 

I don't know if this is a guy thing, but my wife has had the same problem on a number of occasions. I will never forget the time we passed a house that she liked...and as she raved about this "white" house, I said, "I thought it was yellow."

 

"No, no!" she protested, "It was white...I know it."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yes, without a doubt." She replied.

 

Well, rather than get into a squabble, I drove back to check it out. It was yellow. I said nothing more. She kind of mumbled something and that was that. And no, this wasn't the only time. She has a habit of "knowing" that SHE is right...without a doubt. When there have been times that we could check it out, I have. No, she is not always wrong, but enough that you would think she would quit this "I know for sure" policy.

 

SO, we may not always believe our spouses, but we should have the right to check out stories without being offensive.

 

a4a, I am perplexed as to what you can do....based on your stories. I am willing to guess that he has fallen into the trap of letting you do everything, because if he doesn't do it...YOU WILL. But you know, I think he could get away with this...if he would simply be a romantic guy who got you gifts and did you surprises.

 

I still think it boils down to the fact that he does NOTHING to show you that he loves you....right? I wonder if a trial separation would wake him up?

[Becoming]

Thank you for all that effort becoming!!! See I really do appreciate effort! really thank you for the chart copied it to word and will work on it.

 

I am thinking the marble idea may really work. But sh*t right now as mad as I am he might take away all my marbles!!

 

where the hell do you get marbles at this day and age They still make em?

 

and what if I have already lost my "marbles".... will it still work?

 

(sorry need to be a smartass for a moment)

 

This might work.

 

but I really don't see how I could earn a single marble right now if I had to put a jar out with my name on it.... I just am beat.

 

not pooping on the idea. I am serious. I don't have it in me to feel kindness towards him right now......just sadness.

 

Guess I have to buck up with an empty jar for a bit huh?

 

I know. It gives you both something to focus on instead of wanting to kill each other. :D And it lets you feel like you have some control when it feels like you have none. And that enabled me to get control over my anger which had gotten the best of me.

 

Use pinto beans or something. I eventually found those little decorator marbles and two vases so no one who popped in could tell wtf was going on with the beans! They just thought we were artsy! You can use rocks to the same effect. Or pinecones or horse turds in a basket by the fire for that comfy cozy Martha Stewart feeling. :love: :lmao:

[a4a]

See a4a, you don't understand where I'm coming from. Everyone wants:

 

Peace

Comfort

Companionship

Understanding

 

in a marriage, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR VALUES ARE....

 

I'm trying to show you how to get there, or at least how we got there. It doesn't have a friggin' thing to do with what you believe in, or your ideals of marriage.

 

It's all about how a man thinks, and responds. My experiences should be valueable to you.....but you're reading too much into me and my beliefs....you already have a pre-conceived notion about me and you're allowing that to cloud your understanding about where I'm actually coming from.....

 

 

Moose every person thinks differently regardless of gender.

 

I am a women so women all want flowers right........not this one.

I am a women so women all want kids right.......not this one.

I am a women and want a man that makes more money than me.....not this one.

 

My H does not want a wife who cooks and cleans......some men do.

My H does not want a wife who does not have a career....... some men do

My H does not watch porn............ many men do.

My H does not hang out with his buddies and drink beer......many men do.

 

See the difference men are individuals... right off the bat I can state and know that your thinking and my husbands thinking are totally not the same.... very different.

 

He never would/will have treated me as poorly as you did your wife. I never would have tolerated such treatment. But then again we are not you nor do we have kids involved or anything else to force me to tolerate it.

 

And as for letting him fail..... he can fail...... he will not take my business or my life down with him. I am no longer helping him. Did you not read that ?

Nor will I stand for his neglect (neglect in the way I see it, not anyone else).

He will either satisfy my needs or I will leave. End of story. His choice and his option to fail or succeed.

 

And Touche had a good point........ your method is not the only one and does not fit every single case out there... please if it did you would have your own TV show by now

[hotgurl]

Not, "were", and alcoholic, AM an alcoholic......needed clarification there...

 

When she started going to Alanon, she found out how much of an enabler she really was. All of that stopped, and she left the problem with me, and yes, ultimately it lead to me being alone with it, and I had to deal with it MYSELF.

 

These principals can apply to ALOT of situations.....

 

I don't understand what your problem is with a4a methods. Isn't this essentially what she is doing with her husband? She is trying to stop enabling him so he can deal with his own problems and therefore get back his sense of achievement and self esteem so he can become once again an equal partner in the marriage.

[Moose]

Never mind.....you still don't get it.....I said it has nothing to do with what you percieve marriage to be.

 

It doesn't matter what your idea of marriage should be. You and your husband can have it your way just like you've explained....

 

But you're not going to GET there this way.....

 

That's all I'm saying because you're refusing to understand my posts.

[a4a]

a4a, I am perplexed as to what you can do....based on your stories. I am willing to guess that he has fallen into the trap of letting you do everything, because if he doesn't do it...YOU WILL. But you know, I think he could get away with this...if he would simply be a romantic guy who got you gifts and did you surprises.

I still think it boils down to the fact that he does NOTHING to show you that he loves you....right? I wonder if a trial separation would wake him up?

 

 

you are right about that just like some men will do anything for a women that gives them sex......if that is what they want well more power to that relationship too.

 

Not that he does nothing..... he makes my coffee from time to time. That of course counts..... but he cannot seem to show me how I want him, ask him, or beg him to........ almost like he does it on purpose... maybe he is sadistic in a way...... like I said it is like a weird form of abuse or something almost.

 

We had a frank discussion about it last night, a 100 mile discussion 45 miles an hour He sees his errors.... he knows. I gave specific examples.

 

I am just so tired....... I really am. I am not sure if he can redeem himself at this point....... I am whipped and angry..... but now quiet give up kinda anger.

[Becoming]

Gotta run now. All the best, a4a.

 

If nothing else, you can gather horse turds to throw at Moose.

Or would that be me? Geez:rolleyes:

[a4a]

I don't understand what your problem is with a4a methods. Isn't this essentially what she is doing with her husband? She is trying to stop enabling him so he can deal with his own problems and therefore get back his sense of achievement and self esteem so he can become once again an equal partner in the marriage.

 

 

BINGO!!! :lmao:

and at the same time show him what I need from him to maintain our marriage.

 

being nice does not work with him...... saying I understand and you have to deal with it does not work with him......

 

Saying straighten the hell up or this is what is going to happen- does work.

 

and like it or not at this point it is far far beyond my control to not feel totally hurt and angry with him...... he knows this. Sees it as a consquence of his behavior and will deal with it. - his words.

 

He also says that he certainly does indeed deserve a fork in his eye..... he cannot seem to get it straight that the fork goes into his head.....not his eye.

 

see what I have to deal with.......just never listens to me

[Moose]

I don't understand what your problem is with a4a methods. Isn't this essentially what she is doing with her husband? She is trying to stop enabling him so he can deal with his own problems and therefore get back his sense of achievement and self esteem so he can become once again an equal partner in the marriage.

No, she's making lists, charts demands....she's going from enabler to dictator.

 

It may work, and she'll see improvements here or there.....but it'll get old, fast, then BAM....right back to square one.....

[Walk]

BIG difference between dictator, and stating the consequence of an action. She isn't forcing her husband into acting a specific way. The chart clarifies the repercussions of his personal decision. He has all the freedom in the world to choose what he would like to do...

 

Calling it a dictatorship would be like calling me Hitler because I told you that if you punched me in the nose I would leave.

[RecordProducer]

Well if they had an arrangement that he takes care of the home and child I think that is ok.... as long as they are able to pay the bills and maintain the home.

If you knew my first BF you'd know that my he is not capable of anything. He is only good in one thing: meditation. He sist down, smokes, drinks beer, doesn't talk much, burps, goes to the bathroom from time to time, and thinks. I don't know how you can think when you have no brains, but as you see, anything is possible.

 

I could stay and find some side action too?

What kind of action are you missing? Why would you get action in the department that he seems to satisfy you in?

 

see that is part of the problem you actually look at him..... not my avie.. and you kinda wanna melt That bastard why can't he be fat and ugly it would be much easier to just leave then

You have a male's brain, a4a! Now I see that the best option and smallest change for both of you would be you both had a gender-switch surgery!

[a4a]

No, she's making lists, charts demands....she's going from enabler to dictator.

 

It may work, and she'll see improvements here or there.....but it'll get old, fast, then BAM....right back to square one.....

 

 

Well your method of just letting things go and letting him figure them out has gone from Bad to Hell in 8 months.

 

Done did that (your) method.

 

I guess just sitting back and watching him be unemployed for 2 months was not that method too..... ok it has been 10 months then if you include his job ordeal........ 10 months bad to hell now.

 

:rolleyes:

 

More funny I cannot see how I am really an enabler.... because I paid the bills while he was down. Are you not supposed to do that in a marriage?

What about OUR money theory? you are contradicting yourself now aren't you?

 

I did not bitch about the truck...... let him deal with it ...... and he failed..... used your method..... that sure did the trick. yeppers.

 

Moose your method does not work in this case. It simply does not.

 

If you think that making a list will hurt his ego or something why is he asking me to find a way to show him- his words last night.

 

Like he said he can understand looking at a pile of wood and how to build what he wants, he cannot understand how to do what he is supposed to do from me and maybe a chart would help- his words

 

Again Moose he is not you. :D :lmao:

[Walk]

Moose...

 

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way.. but I haven't read a single one of your posts that didn't critize and judge a4a on her marriage, her thoughts, and her actions. I haven't read anything that seemed to remotely pertain to her situation. You seem to be contradicting yourself from what you originally stated. First you're toting the godliness of knowing your "role" in the marriage.. and now you're accusing a women of being a dictator for writing down that she will walk away from a her husband if he yells at her?

 

oh.. wait.. you haven't contradicted yourself. Basically all you're saying is that all women need to let their men run all over them, and we should do so with a smile on our faces.. and that will create a happy marriage. Because any action on our part that re-affirms ourselves as equally important in the relationship will cause the man to become less? That's a mind ****. wow.

[a4a]

If you knew my first BF you'd know that my he is not capable of anything. He is only good in one thing: meditation. He sist down, smokes, drinks beer, doesn't talk much, burps, goes to the bathroom from time to time, and thinks. I don't know how you can think when you have no brains, but as you see, anything is possible.

 

What kind of action are you missing? Why would you get action in the department that he seems to satisfy you in?

 

 

You have a male's brain, a4a! Now I see that the best option and smallest change for both of you would be you both had a gender-switch surgery!

 

 

 

 

sorry not in the kidding mood on this topic.

 

and yes I am much more logical and much less emotional than probably many woman.

[a4a]

Moose...

 

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way.. but I haven't read a single one of your posts that didn't critize and judge a4a on her marriage, her thoughts, and her actions. I haven't read anything that seemed to remotely pertain to her situation. You seem to be contradicting yourself from what you originally stated. First you're toting the godliness of knowing your "role" in the marriage.. and now you're accusing a women of being a dictator for writing down that she will walk away from a her husband if he yells at her?

 

oh.. wait.. you haven't contradicted yourself. Basically all you're saying is that all women need to let their men run all over them, and we should do so with a smile on our faces.. and that will create a happy marriage. Because any action on our part that re-affirms ourselves as equally important in the relationship will cause the man to become less? That's a mind ****. wow.

 

and further more, has this need to attempt to prove himself in my marriage thread using his methods to further validate his chosen path and prove that his marriage is ok. :lmao:

 

my way is the only way..... no other way will work.... there is only one road to success... I am a success.... well maybe you aren't. But only your wife could answer that, if indeed you would allow her to.

[RecordProducer]

We actually had a jar for each of us that was a love bank. :lmao:

We always have the image of this jar in our minds anyway. It's just the whole mathematical idea that makes it rather a convenient tool of manipulation that bothers me. But I am glad it worked for you.

 

It's certainly better than nothing.

[a4a]

We always have the image of this jar in our minds anyway. It's just the whole mathematical idea that makes it rather a convenient tool of manipulation that bothers me. But I am glad it worked for you.

 

It's certainly better than nothing.

 

whoa.......... you suggested that I manipulate my husband in this thread earlier. Treat him like a child and such didn't you?

 

People in glass houses..................

[RecordProducer]

sorry not in the kidding mood on this topic.

 

and yes I am much more logical and much less emotional than probably many woman.

Huh? How are you less emotional?

 

You think this whole thing pisses you off, but you're actually very hurt; hence the anger that you blow from your nostrils.

 

I was joking about the gender thing obviously. You sound liek a typical woman to me . You resent him for his lack of ambition, laziness, and financial support he gets from you. If your genders were reverse, you wouldn't have a problem.

 

Why doesn't he just get a job? Don't tell me you're unhappy in your marriage because you can't sell your truck. Give him orders about what needs to be done around the house/animals until he learns to do things without you telling him and make him get a job. Is that what you want or is there anything more?

 

Solve problems one by one. You don't have to do everything in one day.