A mans pov on booby staring?

[Walk]

Honestly, I sometimes think that a4a has the problems here. You kinda come off, to me, as an "attention whore".

 

Sir, Do you think that perhaps this mentality is exactly the reason your wife is looking for other men now? You seem to be unable to grasp the concept that emotional needs are important for people. And simply because YOU don't understand, doesn't mean its not painful for a4a.

 

I think I just figured out what the problem in your marriage is AManWithTroubles... You have no empathy nor compassion. You invalidate peoples feelings. And you insult them as "weak" for being in pain. If this is how you speak to your wife, then stop doing this, and I guarantee she'll stop looking for other men who WILL care about her pain.

 

p.s. the degrading remark at the end of your post was unnecessary.

[a4a]

.

 

I did type out a long drawn out reply.....

 

but it is senseless.

 

But:

 

May I ask how you would feel if someone posted to your abortion thread, bloody matteress thread and told you to go get a bottle of vodka and have a pity party?

 

FYI: not all men are alike........ not all women are alike..... I do not turn to alcohol for comfort, I do not need a man to pay my way, I do not feel the need to have a man make more than me......

 

Different desires and needs require treating the person in the manner they need to be treated.

 

And please don't say your advice is so wonderful when you do not even have the facts to give out good advice..... example would be telling me to make my husband get a job......or feed the animals. You obviously are not aware of the facts.

[a4a]

It really doesn't matter how much you're alike or how much you have the same ideas about gender roles, etc. in a marriage if you're not getting your own needs met. It's all meaningless.

 

Yes and I am not willing to settle for scraps...... thus the problem..... it was not always this way tho.

 

He will either step up to the plate or he won't.

 

Yep true again...... and now that he is fully aware sees what will happen if he does not put the effort to do so (consequences) he actually is starting to do so.

 

I'm a LOT more like you than you think. I won't go into that now but trust me, I am. Don't let my "stay-at-home-mom" role that I'm living now fool you. That only represents THREE years out of TWELVE that I've been with my H now. I'm extremely independent and I don't represent the typical female in many ways.

 

I know you are no boot licker!

 

 

 

With that said though, you might want to consider that in a good marriage there will be times where YOU will be supporting him in many areas and at other times HE will be supporting YOU.

 

I so agree...... so so agree with this.. If he got in a car wreck and got crippled I would not leave. But he has neglected my needs for too long now. and I need him to now step up to the plate..... which again people it seems as though he certainly is..... just needed a kick in the pants!

 

Do you see that? Because that's the way it's been in my experience. It can work that way. It's not ALWAYS equal ALL THE TIME.

 

Perhaps this is just YOUR time to give to him. Pull back. Don't enable..just like you're doing. Let him fail a little but still be there to support him emotionally when he falls and when he, hopefully, pulls himself back up again.

 

Again that is what I am doing..... I guess this format cannot show my "sweet side"..... like him having his dinner made, and me telling him to relax last night as he had a bad day and was upset.... of course I am supportive. Do you people think I would say "hey loser, why did you screw that up?"

 

Honestly I am sick of the crowd here pretty much thinking I beat him 24/7......far from it. And I was too supportive and too nice for too long, so long that our whole marriage was all about him. Then again I am not a zombie I am not without my own frustrations on the matter and if laughing about sticking a fork in his head makes for a great coping mechanism.....so be it.

 

And I certainly think things may work out as long as he does not fall back into being great for a week or two then back to square one again... he has been on a cycle like this for several months.

 

 

Thanks Touche.

[a4a]

Sir, Do you think that perhaps this mentality is exactly the reason your wife is looking for other men now? You seem to be unable to grasp the concept that emotional needs are important for people. And simply because YOU don't understand, doesn't mean its not painful for a4a.

 

I think I just figured out what the problem in your marriage is AManWithTroubles... You have no empathy nor compassion. You invalidate peoples feelings. And you insult them as "weak" for being in pain. If this is how you speak to your wife, then stop doing this, and I guarantee she'll stop looking for other men who WILL care about her pain.

 

p.s. the degrading remark at the end of your post was unnecessary.

 

Do you think

 

How am I an attention whore...... oh because I would like my husband to show me that he loves me in a way that I understand or would like?

 

yep...... that is me big ole whore :rolleyes:

[Roo]

A Man With troubles - seriously have you no manners...

 

Didn't your mother teach you if you don't have anything nice to say sometimes it's best to... SHUT YER MOUTH!... honestly how would you like to treated so coldly. What kind of wisdom does it take to kick someone while they are down..

 

Shame shame on you.

[a4a]

Peeps things are looking way way up.

 

Last night he was without his cell so used an employees to call me to tell me what time he expected to be home (this is normal and I like it)

 

So he was supposed to be home at 7 but did not get home until 8:45... he had some troubles with the truck.

 

He came in so concerned he looked like he was about to cry.

 

"I am so sorry, I know you were worried, let me explain what happened......."

 

His actual show of concern, worried about how I felt trumped the problems that he had with the truck..... he did indeed worry about me and how the situation would effect me this time. Big step in him thinking "how will she feel about this" that hopefully will also lead to him applying that same concept to thinking about what I need from him. His normal response over the last few months would have been completely focused on just him.

 

So I think things are on the right track so far. The old him is coming back

 

Oh and we discussed the marble thing to see if it may help and like I joked he said "where do you get marbles at?" Also wanted to know if he had to count them every night :lmao:

[2sunny]

 

So I think things are on the right track so far. The old him is coming back

 

Good deal, progress is everything!

 

Oh and we discussed the marble thing to see if it may help and like I joked he said "where do you get marbles at?" Also wanted to know if he had to count them every night :lmao:

 

How can he count them if he doesn't know where to get his marbles? he he

[JamesM]

a4a, good for you. I was just wondering if anyone charted these many posts on this thread and similar ones, and if anyone could see how many ups and downs you have had since the beginning.

 

Every up is not a new beginning, BUT every down is not the end.

 

I hope this is truly a new beginning. If everything that you have posted is getting back to him, then I can see only two optons available to him...either he becomes what you want, or he walks out the door because he cannot become what you want. My objective POV from a long distance seems to indicate that he is really, really trying to become what you want. And hopefully this is what he wants, too.

[a4a]

a4a, good for you. I was just wondering if anyone charted these many posts on this thread and similar ones, and if anyone could see how many ups and downs you have had since the beginning.

 

Every up is not a new beginning, BUT every down is not the end.

 

I hope this is truly a new beginning. If everything that you have posted is getting back to him, then I can see only two optons available to him...either he becomes what you want, or he walks out the door because he cannot become what you want. My objective POV from a long distance seems to indicate that he is really, really trying to become what you want. And hopefully this is what he wants, too.

 

 

Thanks James!

 

And he would be the first to admit he did "screw up". I want him to be happy, that is the most important thing to me. Again that does not mean that I should just shut up and put up with anything he deals to me.

 

He states: I am happy when you are happy. I feel the same way, of course there are day to day bumps in the road and stupid crap that happens. But if the spine of your relationship is strong none of that matters.

 

He knew there was a problem it was just easier not to address it and hope that it would fix itself. Effort and work are involved.

 

I have indeed told him that if for some reason I cannot make him happy I want him to find someone who will or have a wonderful life. I do mean that. He is a good person.

 

It is so nice to see the old him shine through. Maybe we both can be like it was and even better from this point on.

 

I so so hope that he sticks to it and hope that I don't quit.... but I probably won't. So far so good.

 

Now I got to go mow the lawn an action to say.....thank you to him.

[Roo]

 

Now I got to go mow the lawn an action to say.....thank you to him.

 

 

 

Good for you they say generosity breeds generosity, Im happy to hear you two are making progress.

[Touche]

I'm so glad things are looking up! You know I want you two to make it.

 

Tell him that he better stay the course or I'll have to give him my wooden spoon treatment.

[2sunny]

Yipppeeee a4a!

 

I love to mow the lawn, it's very therapeutic!

 

While you're out there, try to scope out a few marbles.

[a4a]

I'm so glad things are looking up! You know I want you two to make it.

 

Tell him that he better stay the course or I'll have to give him my wooden spoon treatment.

 

 

Oh the WOODEN SPOON!!! what is our problem with tableware and utensils.

 

And Sunny I hate mowing the lawn..... I got at least 5 acres of just lawn here not including the other 8 or so that needs to be evened up. but I do it out of love

 

But I may actually crack a beer open and do it.....got a cup holder attached to it

and of course all the men driving by when I am on my big tractor give me all the attention this attention whore needs....... beep beep they honk at me.

 

Come to think of it some guy did that when I was laying in the hammock last fall.....

 

Do you think it is because I am naked when I drive the tractor and sit in the hammock? :lmao:

 

I am just a whore............ :lmao:

[RecordProducer]

May I ask how you would feel if someone posted to your abortion thread, bloody matteress thread and told you to go get a bottle of vodka and have a pity party?

I am sorry if I offended you. The reason why I keep posting here is because I AM FOND OF YOU. If I had something against you, I would have ignored your thread. I was sarcastic, but my point was: you only want people to tell you how miserable you are and to heat your anger up even more. That's my conclusion after I read probably about 80% of your posts. And that's certainly not helping you solve your problems. Anger is OK for a few days but eventually it has to go away. You can't be angry until October 31st.

 

In my threads, I didn't expect from people to read all my posts and I was asked the same few questions over and over again; not to one poster did I reply with "You obviously haven't read all my posts!" Well obviously! So I will write it down again - it's ME who is asking for help, right?

 

You said I didn't understand what was going on so explain it again. The chances are if I don't know, some other people don't know either. When James and Moose told you to work hard on your marriage, you said you already did and their advice was not in the right place. OK. I told you to demand things from your husband, you said not all women and men are the same. OK. Walk (and a few other women) told you her ex (EX!)-husband was like yours and you say she understands you. Is that all you care about - to be understood? She dunped her husband, will you dump yours too?

 

If you think we are all so incompetent to give you advice because we are not like you then obviously you don't want to learn from our experiences. And you deny then we might know anything about people if we are not exactly like you or haven't been in your shoes.

 

So you want advice from a woman who is like you and has a husband like yours and made things work?

 

I don't mind that you call my advice stupid; it's better to give stupid advice than to receive it.

 

My point was :to tell your husband what he needs to do, whether it's to kiss you or get a job, to sell the house or call his mother... YOU know what he needs to do and you gave him ultimatum until the end of October. So can you repeat once again PLEASE for the stupid ones like me and a few others: what exactly do you want from your husband?

 

I thought you said you supported him financially and he quit his job for two months. Then it turns out he has a job. So what is the problem with him?

[Becoming]

Glad to hear things are going well. Did you do anything to celebrate your anniversary?

 

I had forgotten the Dance of ________ books. They're good, too.

 

And I was thinking about the time my H's business failed and he took another job (two actually) to deal with all the fall-out. It took a serious toll on his self-esteem that put him in a real funk. But of course he never said that!

 

Stay the course. Don't go overboard, giving more than he does, or you're setting up the old pattern again: he gives 50%, you give %100. You let it slide, he thinks all is well with his level of giving. Your resentment builds to the point where you want to fork him . . . and "Thar she blows!"

 

Does he know that mowing the lawn is a gift to him, or does he think it's just something you want to do?

 

I think, like Walk said, that I always thought marriage was like a big gift exchange. The problem is that this never occurred to H. Until I said something.

 

The tennis metaphor is one I've used too: I hit the ball, but he stands there like the guy on that commercial who stands with his racket out while the woman just keeps hitting balls to him and running around like crazy!

 

Do what you want. The real problem for me is that I want him to want me.

And he doesn't want that much of anything that requires any forethought. And that really hurts. But I also know it's nothing personal--just something that has to be worked with, until you can't do it anymore.

[Touche]

Becoming, I think their anniversary is tomorrow.

 

Happy Anniversary, A!!!! H better treat you like the queen you think you are!

[RecordProducer]

Happy anniversary!

 

Enjoy it and don't be angry at your husband at least on this day. This is your first anniversary, after all.

[AManWithTroubles]

A Man With troubles - seriously have you no manners...

 

Didn't your mother teach you if you don't have anything nice to say sometimes it's best to... SHUT YER MOUTH!... honestly how would you like to treated so coldly. What kind of wisdom does it take to kick someone while they are down..

 

Shame shame on you.

Now that would be a horrible world, wouldn't it? If no one ever gave you some sort of criticism. We would all run around, acting as if we were perfect. We know that there is something wrong with another person, yet we need to keep it in? Why? I call it as I see it.

[AManWithTroubles]

Sir, Do you think that perhaps this mentality is exactly the reason your wife is looking for other men now? You seem to be unable to grasp the concept that emotional needs are important for people. And simply because YOU don't understand, doesn't mean its not painful for a4a.

 

I think I just figured out what the problem in your marriage is AManWithTroubles... You have no empathy nor compassion. You invalidate peoples feelings. And you insult them as "weak" for being in pain. If this is how you speak to your wife, then stop doing this, and I guarantee she'll stop looking for other men who WILL care about her pain.

 

p.s. the degrading remark at the end of your post was unnecessary.

I'm glad you figured out my whole marriage by that one line. I bet you figured out what my mother's maiden name is also, right?

 

Honestly, I said that line from more than just her needs. It is from all of her responses together, from her own threads and others. I did not invalidate her needs, I'm simply stating that she may have a slight problem of her own, that may add some unneccessary stress to her husband. I could not think of a nicer way to word it, because that's the only term I know it by. It's not like I'm calling her a "whore" as in a "slut".

 

How about this? I think she has an "overwhelming need to be in the spotlight". We can't always be the center of attention; share the stage.

[a4a]

Happy anniversary!

 

Enjoy it and don't be angry at your husband at least on this day. This is your first anniversary, after all.

 

 

You like to pick at wounds don't ya?

[a4a]

I'm glad you figured out my whole marriage by that one line. I bet you figured out what my mother's maiden name is also, right?

 

Honestly, I said that line from more than just her needs. It is from all of her responses together, from her own threads and others. I did not invalidate her needs, I'm simply stating that she may have a slight problem of her own, that may add some unneccessary stress to her husband. I could not think of a nicer way to word it, because that's the only term I know it by. It's not like I'm calling her a "whore" as in a "slut".

 

How about this? I think she has an "overwhelming need to be in the spotlight". We can't always be the center of attention; share the stage.

 

 

Ah again my posts here even if they come off as being an "attention whore" is not how my RL goes..... I do not monopolize conversations, I do not wear slutty clothing, I do not cause drama, I even shy away from the public spotlight... I hate the stupid awards ceremonies, and the stupid articles/interviews, and picture crap.

 

On the other hand I ran some errands yesterday..... maybe I throw off some weird vibe where people do pay attention to me...... maybe it is my tits? At every place I stopped yesterday I did get attention. Even at the garbage dump. The attendant ( a kind older gentleman) saw me coming and started having fun with me as I pulled up by jumping up and down with his arms opened.... a big welcome kinda thing. Maybe I get attention because I treat the people with respect and I don't act like I have a freaking chip on my shoulder 24/7. I don't ask for it, it just happens...... and most of the time it is not enjoyed by me.

 

Again my H seems to be very happy with me. Man you and some others really seem to have the need to fling poo at others here...... does it make you feel better to do so...... hey, maybe because I don't do that is the reason why people like me?...... And maybe I am no where near being an attention whore at all....... But people instead feel the need to get my attention. It is starting to seem that way at this point here on this thread

 

Think about it....... if a man cat calls a women is it not to bring attention to himself so the woman notices?

 

And I certainly am indeed rejecting the attention of some posters on this thread, I certainly wish they would just stop making their useless comments while I attempt to solve this......... so again who is seeking the attention and has the need for the spotlight here?...... not me...... more likely those that feel the need to keep causing the drama in this thread.... hummmmm.

 

and if I do command the attention of others by not even trying to do so, so what? It is just how I am then I guess? Sounds like your problem not mine

[jerbear]

Happy A for A!

 

Anniversary 4 Anniversary

[RecordProducer]

You like to pick at wounds don't ya?

I don't understand why you have this attitude with me, when I tried to help you. I don't find it helpful to tell you that your hubby sucks and you should forget about him. I myself used to get that kind of responses and they were not helpful at all when all I wanted was to work things out. To ditch someone - we can do ourselves; we need help to open our eyes and do something constructive. Just like I need help to fix my PC; I can break a lap top without help (as I proved already ).

 

What wounds are you talking about? I told you honestly to not be angry at your husband today. How did I offend you by that? You want me to tell you to keep being angry? The first year is always the most difficult (people say so), because you're trying to adjust to each other.

 

I am sorry if I talked to you in the same way as I would talk to a sister or a good friend. I should've just applauded to whatever you wrote. If you want, I won't post here anymore. My goal is certainly not to upset you when you're already upset.

 

I hope you have a wonderful day and close it up with some good action in bed. (Geez, I miss that, I am not allowed before my gyn checkup ).

[a4a]

I don't understand why you have this attitude with me, when I tried to help you. I don't find it helpful to tell you that your hubby sucks and you should forget about him. I myself used to get that kind of responses and they were not helpful at all when all I wanted was to work things out. To ditch someone - we can do ourselves; we need help to open our eyes and do something constructive. Just like I need help to fix my PC; I can break a lap top without help (as I proved already ).

 

What wounds are you talking about? I told you honestly to not be angry at your husband today. How did I offend you by that? You want me to tell you to keep being angry? The first year is always the most difficult (people say so), because you're trying to adjust to each other.

 

I am sorry if I talked to you in the same way as I would talk to a sister or a good friend. I should've just applauded to whatever you wrote. If you want, I won't post here anymore. My goal is certainly not to upset you when you're already upset.

 

I hope you have a wonderful day and close it up with some good action in bed. (Geez, I miss that, I am not allowed before my gyn checkup ).

 

 

You are nagging and not helpful to me. I actually find it highly annoying. It is like rehashing something that certainly does not need rehashing over and over again. Please don't post here anymore your advice is appreciated but will not work in my situation or for me. But the reason I wish you would not post is because you give advice without looking at the facts and without realizing that your ideals should not have to become mine......... like a bible thumper forcing their beliefs/values at someone even though the listeners states they are not interested........the thumper continues to preach on and on and on and on and on.

 

Your advice is not terrible, but does not apply in this situation. Constant attempts by you and others to prove that is will or should is not of use to me. Many have brought up good points. And I am not a two year old. I have dealt with examining the many aspects of this problem myself before I posted about it.

 

Thanks for the good thoughts though. And excuse my bluntness, it is said with respect and not meant to harm. This format leaves much to be desired when it comes to showing "intent" with words.

[a4a]

Happy A for A!

 

Anniversary 4 Anniversary

 

TY JB.......

 

 

 

I am just chillin' today...... no plans. Just chillin'.