A mans pov on booby staring?

[2sunny]

Oh - and SPILL IT wasn't referring to the information... wink wink....

[a4a]

Quite possible Thelma is a code word... :lmao:

 

Can you tell I am a suspicious nature of sorts?

 

900 miles is where the phone is set up ORIGINALLY! Call forwarding or a different home base for a cell is NOT out of the ordinary anymore either... Just a thought...

 

 

yeah..... worried now.... thanks.

 

another reason why my H is great..... he will not ever do that. Too lazy to cheat.

[2sunny]

yeah..... worried now.... thanks.

 

another reason why my H is great..... he will not ever do that. Too lazy to cheat.

 

didn't mean to worry you honey!

 

my logical mind is to my own demise...

[a4a]

didn't mean to worry you honey!

 

my logical mind is to my own demise...

 

 

oh no worry.......nobody would want him in his current state.... maybe I should keep him like this.

 

Like men like to get their wives fattened up and frumpy so no other men want them...

[2sunny]

oh no worry.......nobody would want him in his current state.... maybe I should keep him like this.

 

Like men like to get their wives fattened up and frumpy so no other men want them...

 

Hence the avatar????? :lmao: :lmao:

 

Sorry a4a, just tryin to get you to smile for a moment! he he

[a4a]

Hence the avatar????? :lmao: :lmao:

 

Sorry a4a, just tryin to get you to smile for a moment! he he

 

my goodness I guess I have to change my avie....

 

funny how people treat you differently based on looks.

 

I so want some puddin'

[2sunny]

my goodness I guess I have to change my avie....

 

funny how people treat you differently based on looks.

 

I so want some puddin'

 

Ask Tudor! I saw him on a short while ago... depending on his mood, he may agree to anything...

[a4a]

Ask Tudor! I saw him on a short while ago... depending on his mood, he may agree to anything...

 

I wonder if he would like to sniff my sisters panties?

 

I will never let him live that down........ EVER!!!

 

well until I find a new thing to pick on him about.

[TUDOR]

I wonder if he would like to sniff my sisters panties?

 

I will never let him live that down........ EVER!!!

 

well until I find a new thing to pick on him about.

 

Come on....that is not half as bad as some the shiot that flies around this place. It was one sniff....not like I smothered my face in them while I beat off. Just one little sniff and now I will never live it down.

[2sunny]

Come on....that is not half as bad as some the shiot that flies around this place. It was one sniff....not like I smothered my face in them while I beat off. Just one little sniff and now I will never live it down.

 

Are you sure it didn't involve a bit of tongue licking? :lmao:

[a4a]

Come on....that is not half as bad as some the shiot that flies around this place. It was one sniff....not like I smothered my face in them while I beat off. Just one little sniff and now I will never live it down.

 

:love: :love:

 

I think it was cute...... odd but cute.........

 

Hey Tudor when are the nakkie pics coming.... you promised me!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Moose is just Moose- he's always been the same. You should see some of the fights that he and Alpha used to get into- and Smoochie Face too I think!

[Becoming]

Sorry, a4a, for all the projecting. Sounds like common sense is working for you, then.

 

There was a thread a while back on having to hit men upside the head with a 2 x 4 in order for them to get it that helped with the communication piece. I like to say things once rationally and be done with it, but it seems DH doesn't get it until I get pissed. Then he's deer-in-headlights panicked.

 

Like Q says, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em or fork 'em.

[RecordProducer]

I do not treat him like a child..... nor will I. That by far would be much more damaging for both parties... It is not my job to train him, it is my choice to let him know what I want (done), and it is my choice to stay or go if he fails or succeeds. I have far too much respect to play games with him as suggested......he is not a child, he is a grown man who is responsible for his own actions and decisions........see I do not coddle him.

a4a, you didn't understand my post or I wasn't clear. I used the word "child" rather metaphorically to say that a man doesn't understand what you expect from him and you need to tell him. You owe him that. Children are not the only beings we instrust. People are being instructed on many things, from operating vehicles to machines and home appliances, from math and physics to how to do your job, from how to raise a baby to how to raise horses.... What makes you think that marriages don't need isntructions?

 

If your husband had many complaints about you as a wife, wouldn't you want him to tell you what he expects from you rather than criticize you? Do you hear a difference between these two:

1. "Sweetie, from now on I request that you be always on time" and 2. "You're always late! That's disresepctful of my time, it's rude, and negligent! I can't wait for you like a fool for half an hour. Why don't you just tell me that you will be ready at 8, not at 7? You have no sense for time!"?

 

In the first case, all you have to say is "OK," because you figure out he is right and he's asked nicely. Moreover you'll find your own ways to be on time. In the second case, you're not sure if he expects you to prolong the time, give yourself an hour on top of the time you'd think you'd be ready or continue to be late (cuz you both agreed that you have no sense of time), but be aware of how rude you are. So what you do is plan to be ready at 7, say you'll be ready at 8, actually be ready at 9 then feel guilty and finally resentful, because he makes a big deal out of a stupid thing.

 

And this is just a small example where the matter is black or white. The things that you diseagree on are not so easy. Tell him directly what you expect from him. "Sell the truck" or "Start looking for a job today" or "You feed the horses, I am tired, thanks." Directly and without resentment. Just like I tell my children "Brush your teeth" or "Take your plates to the kitchen." I don't give them a hard time, I request and after one or ten or many attempts to make them do what I want - they do it. Hence the analogy with the children. I don't tell my kids how disrespectful or bad kids they are when they do this or that or how they don't love me. So if you can convert your anger into this kind of feelings toward your husband, he would fit much more in your taste and your personal perception of a good husband. Not everything he does is agaisnt you or beacuse he deliberately wants to make you miserable. He is not even aware that he is making you miserable.

 

When you tell him what you expect from him, you think it's ruining the fun, because he needs to know these things before you mention them. But let me tell you, thta's exactly where the fun begins, because then you realize that he is trying hard to make you happy, that he cares, that he hears you and fulfills your wishes. You feel loved, because you know you can get whatever you want from him.

 

He will be thankful for your guidance and glad to see you satisafied with his efforts. And when you fight, you're both losing, because he doesn't do what you want him to do, he doesn't know what to do, and you resent him for that then he resents you for resenting him, because it seems to him that he is giving his best and you're not appreciative.

 

I see no sense in bringing in a third party to actually screw this progress up.

I also think that a third person should be involved only as a last resort.

 

Now I have to set aside my pissy ass anger that pops up from time to time.... I have to forgive him and trust that he will stick to his word. If he does not, and cannot jump from the plane in a timely manner... then I am indeed out the door.

 

Quite a challenge eh? A matter of choosing to and doing a 180 for both of us

That "out of the door" strategy is very hostile and inserts pressure and distrust between you rather than understanding, tolerance, and trust.

 

Threatening with divorce is like threatening a child that you will give it up for an adoption if it doesn't listen to you. You will get things your way because of their fear of rejection, but you will create a lot of frustration and ruin the closeness. Divorce shouldn't be hanging above his head and he shouldn't do anything out of fear. You said you wanted him to be your equal, but he fears that you will leave him and you are using his fear against him. Isn't that controlling?

 

Believe me, I completely understand you and don't think of you as a controlling person. That's why I think you're harming yourself and him when you're threatening to leave. You've only been married for one year. You have a whole life to spend together and you have to support each other... when the chips are down, too!

[Walk]

Your husband sounds like my exH... The money, forgetting holidays, spending money on easy flowers while skipping out on putting effort in, couldn't pay bills, I was always bailing him out, always making promises as long as no effort was involved, etc, etc.. Way too much like my ex in all your posts. Except, it sounds as if your husband has some redeming qualities. But even the story about valentines day. Deja vu all over again. Really weird.

 

No advice from here. I never figured out how to get over the anger issue. Hell, I'm STILL angry at him and it's been 3 years since the divorce. hahaha

 

I think your plan of "forcing" (for lack of a better word) is the right way to go. I tried the whole "nurture and encourage" bull shyt like Moose is spewing. Does NOT work!!! There's a time and place for everything... but I don't think this is the time or the place.

 

Anyway.. I wanted to wish you good thoughts, and I'm hoping your husband can pull his head out of his azz before he finds a fork up there too.

[a4a]

Your husband sounds like my exH... The money, forgetting holidays, spending money on easy flowers while skipping out on putting effort in, couldn't pay bills, I was always bailing him out, always making promises as long as no effort was involved, etc, etc.. Way too much like my ex in all your posts. Except, it sounds as if your husband has some redeming qualities. But even the story about valentines day. Deja vu all over again. Really weird.

 

No advice from here. I never figured out how to get over the anger issue. Hell, I'm STILL angry at him and it's been 3 years since the divorce. hahaha

 

I think your plan of "forcing" (for lack of a better word) is the right way to go. I tried the whole "nurture and encourage" bull shyt like Moose is spewing. Does NOT work!!! There's a time and place for everything... but I don't think this is the time or the place.

 

Anyway.. I wanted to wish you good thoughts, and I'm hoping your husband can pull his head out of his azz before he finds a fork up there too.

 

Thanks Walk.... and yes if indeed he was made up of 100% azzhole I never would have bothered to look twice at him. This weekend is our anniversary so I cannot wait to see what he comes up with.. I have not said a word..... well yes I did I asked if we were going to celebrate our annivesary in our traditional holiday fashion = do nothing? :lmao:

 

oooopsy- the fork slipped out.

 

RP your advice is appreciated and believe me I have asked and mentioned nicely..... about the truck .......for a fruckin year...... about the bills..... for the last 6 months or more......... nice nice.... "hey did you put the ad in for the truck" "I arranged to have the truck put up at the corner station, if you want to put it there for sale", I made the flyers......he was going to.... never did. I offered all the people that work with me or that I know a $200 spiff if they found a buyer.

 

And in his line of work he is at several construction sites all week long... he did not bother to hand out the truck ad..... it is very simple to do so.... for that matter he could even tape it in the porta johns at the sites

For a year this truck just sits here.... it is a heavy duty truck...perfect for landscape, snow plow, and masonry... he sees these people everyday at work... he works with home builders.

 

So yesterday I told him "you will hand out at least two flyers to people you see at work or you will not bother to come home"...... guess what..... he said he handed out about 6 of them even stuck one on the windshield of a contractor truck there.....

 

So obviously me being nice and supportive did not work for almost a year.... being direct, blunt, and offering consequences does work with him. His reward will be for me to get off his back and not leave.

 

Now I did offer support I just put another ad in the paper with a picture of the truck for him this morn..I paid for the ad, I DID IT.....I have handed out more flyers than I can count to people who may know someone ..... I am thinking about faxing the ad to companies that may have a use for the truck, I nicely mentioned for him to do this 3 months or more ago.

 

He sat on his ass last night and watched TV he could have put the ad in the paper......he did not used to be this way he would work with me from dawn to dusk even.

 

I will just have to sit back and see if he actually makes any progress..... this weekend anniversary outting should be very interesting, if there even is one.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think your plan of "forcing" (for lack of a better word) is the right way to go. I tried the whole "nurture and encourage" bull shyt like Moose is spewing. Does NOT work!!! There's a time and place for everything... but I don't think this is the time or the place.

 

 

Me too- tried it all! It's a Christian theory regarding roles of husbands and wives and such. The problem comes in though when the husband professes to be a Christian, but cannot be sacrificial enough to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Which is the command. My pastor put it as "You should treat your wife as if she's a guest in her own home" meaning- give her your best treatment. I tried praying and hoping that my witness would lead him to assume his role in the home- the problem was he was too lazy to do that and too selfish. I prayed and prayed and had people praying. They just didn't get answered. I also worked on myself- being non demanding, non controlling, sweet and meeting all of his needs (those that he told me were needs). I did it for a LONG time. But eventually the resentment builds in you, and your taker takes over and starts making demands. You can only humanly swallow so much of that.

 

So I get what he's saying- but I don't always agree either- and especially with the tone.

[Moose]

I think your plan of "forcing" (for lack of a better word) is the right way to go. I tried the whole "nurture and encourage" bull shyt like Moose is spewing. Does NOT work!!! There's a time and place for everything... but I don't think this is the time or the place.

Yeah, I sure don't know what I'm talking about......

 

a4a's husband is a SPITTING image of me 17 years ago.

 

Lazy, didn't want to work, (did work, but didn't pay my bills), absolutely NO drive, drunk all the time, I ignored my wife and kids, didn't give a flip about what they were doing, or seeing......they went to her mom's for a week, and I didn't even know it for two whole days.....that's how much I saw or cared about them.....

 

It was simple......I had no clue what a marriage was, or what my role was.

 

What changed????

 

Mrs. Moose STOPPED being the manipulative, demanding little B!tch that she was......and she STOPPED, keeping track of, "I do this, I do that, I've been busting my azz 24/7 and you've done NOTHING Boo Hoo Hoo"......BS.....

 

I turned a complete 180 degrees........

 

NO, it wasn't an instant change......it took YEARS of working together, making sure our needs were met.

 

We BOTH had to be willing to make some changes in our lives.

 

Today, 17 years later, almost 20 years of marriage, totally debt free, all of the kids about grown up, and she can have just about ANYTHING her heart desires.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that what worked for us, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it does work, it has worked, and neither one of us could live without the other now.

 

You can call my "Spewing" BS all you want.......sure you may have tried it....but tell me honestly....what changes did YOU make in the process besides your behaviour towards him?

 

It takes sacrifice, tons, and tons, and tons of sacrifice. If either the husband or wife doesn't have it in them to do so.....IT JUST WON'T WORK!

[a4a]

Me too- tried it all! It's a Christian theory regarding roles of husbands and wives and such. The problem comes in though when the husband professes to be a Christian, but cannot be sacrificial enough to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Which is the command. My pastor put it as "You should treat your wife as if she's a guest in her own home" meaning- give her your best treatment. I tried praying and hoping that my witness would lead him to assume his role in the home- the problem was he was too lazy to do that and too selfish. I prayed and prayed and had people praying. They just didn't get answered. I also worked on myself- being non demanding, non controlling, sweet and meeting all of his needs (those that he told me were needs). I did it for a LONG time. But eventually the resentment builds in you, and your taker takes over and starts making demands. You can only humanly swallow so much of that.

 

So I get what he's saying- but I don't always agree either- and especially with the tone.

 

I did try the nice approach out of respect for him. But I got to thinking about a discussion we both had about his horse. We had a guest that was watching us work with his horse who thought that I was too harsh with her..(I do not hit animals or beat them unless my life was actually in danger or under attack)... she was kicking and rearing (1200 lb animal mind you) ..... so upon her comment my husband piped up to the guest:

 

What should we do make "flash cards" for the horse so she stops kicking at us? :lmao:

 

needless to say the horse is well mannered now....... without the use of flash cards and is very sweet and welcomes our attentions.

 

(see I told you he does have a sense of humor)

[a4a]

Yeah, I sure don't know what I'm talking about......

 

a4a's husband is a SPITTING image of me 17 years ago.

 

Lazy, didn't want to work, (did work, but didn't pay my bills), absolutely NO drive, drunk all the time, I ignored my wife and kids, didn't give a flip about what they were doing, or seeing......they went to her mom's for a week, and I didn't even know it for two whole days.....that's how much I saw or cared about them.....

 

It was simple......I had no clue what a marriage was, or what my role was.

 

What changed????

 

Mrs. Moose STOPPED being the manipulative, demanding little B!tch that she was......and she STOPPED, keeping track of, "I do this, I do that, I've been busting my azz 24/7 and you've done NOTHING Boo Hoo Hoo"......BS.....

 

I turned a complete 180 degrees........

 

NO, it wasn't an instant change......it took YEARS of working together, making sure our needs were met.

 

We BOTH had to be willing to make some changes in our lives.

 

Today, 17 years later, almost 20 years of marriage, totally debt free, all of the kids about grown up, and she can have just about ANYTHING her heart desires.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that what worked for us, may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it does work, it has worked, and neither one of us could live without the other now.

 

You can call my "Spewing" BS all you want.......sure you may have tried it....but tell me honestly....what changes did YOU make in the process besides your behaviour towards him?

 

It takes sacrifice, tons, and tons, and tons of sacrifice. If either the husband or wife doesn't have it in them to do so.....IT JUST WON'T WORK!

 

Moose let get it straight...... my H is not you.... THANK GOODNESS!

I am not your wife.

 

I am far from manipulative....... far from demanding........

 

Again you are projecting your values and your history onto my relationship.

 

I have never demanded my H does this or that until now...... probably my error.

 

You have no clue how well I did treat him until recently...... and I still do.

I don't keep a list of what I do with him, as a matter a fact I always try to go way beyond any expectations he has of me.......he may mention something in passing that he likes.... and guess what I do it, or I get it for him.

 

Did Mrs. Moose ask you if you were happy at least once a week? Did your wife say " hey would you like a massage when you get home?" or anything like that.

 

If demanding is saying " we need to get these bills squared up so I know how much money I need to transfer from MY ACCOUNT" is demanding.... well I guess I am a huge B*tch

 

Or maybe me saying " we need to move some hay over to the other farm tomorrow so we have to wrap stuff up earlier to get there" is demanding -I am indeed manipulative.

 

Or maybe being a huge b*tch is saying " It would be fun to decorate the house for the holidays, maybe we should have our friends over for a party"

 

Or " You know I just wish you would put some effort into showing you care about me in a way that means a lot to me".....oh yeah a real b*tch there.

 

Well yeppers I was that way...... no more. Now I am demanding. And you know I did tell him until some progress is made on his behalf I do not think I will let up........ he says this " I do great for a couple of weeks, then I totally F-up and back to square one. I have to stop this."

 

Think about it Moose.......how can you really attack me and basically call me a B*tch..... I am not your wife.... you don't know me at all. You don't know what I do on a daily basis with my M, or what I did.

 

My husband does not want a divorce.... he refuses... he loves me..... he wants things better...... and I did ask him what can I do to help you through this so many times.

 

Why is the blame on me here..... buddy I have blamed myself for a good long time. I have tried to nurture his man inside..... it does not work for him. Hell he is the first to admit it. And if I was so evil he could leave, we are not bound by the worries of damnation.

 

And quite honestly I think he would pop you squarely in the mouth if you were physically present and spouted this sort of garbage in front of him.

 

Now why do you have the need to keep pecking at me? Why get involved in this at all. You are not helping one bit..... I will never see your point of view.

You certainly are not helping me by calling me a B*tch in a round about way are you?

 

sheesh........ time to hit the ignore button.......

[Moose]

a4a......where.....ANYWHERE, in my post did I say ANYTHING about you???

 

GEEEEEZZZ!!!!

[Hard2Think]

I'm late in this thread, but I just wanted to share a little story with you. When I was about 19, my gf and I were on the up escalator, when a guy on the down escalator whistled at her and made some lewd comments. First I flipped him off and then he flipped me off back. The guy must have been only a little older than me. I was rather thin looking but that was because I was an avid boxer with a post-pubescent wiry build. I also had an attitude of complete invincibility.

 

Without going into details, I hurt the guy badly and I fractured my hand in the process (his tooth made a gash in my knuckle as well).

 

To this day I still feel terrible about that. He posed no threat - he was just disrespectful. I caused him alot of pain. The look on his face still haunts me today and I'm not sure what his condition was after I left the scene. It felt cowardly on my part, not macho at all. I wish now I had just done like your hubby did. I wish I had just left it alone.

 

If your hubby is leaving things be - then be glad. He's being smart. Especially in today's society, if he fought the guy and hurt him, he could spend years in jail easily and/or get sued for big bucks.

[a4a]

I'm late in this thread, but I just wanted to share a little story with you. When I was about 19, my gf and I were on the up escalator, when a guy on the down escalator whistled at her and made some lewd comments. First I flipped him off and then he flipped me off back. The guy must have been only a little older than me. I was rather thin looking but that was because I was an avid boxer with a post-pubescent wiry build. I also had an attitude of complete invincibility.

 

Without going into details, I hurt the guy badly and I fractured my hand in the process (his tooth made a gash in my knuckle as well).

 

To this day I still feel terrible about that. He posed no threat - he was just disrespectful. I caused him alot of pain. The look on his face still haunts me today and I'm not sure what his condition was after I left the scene. It felt cowardly on my part, not macho at all. I wish now I had just done like your hubby did. I wish I had just left it alone.

 

If your hubby is leaving things be - then be glad. He's being smart. Especially in today's society, if he fought the guy and hurt him, he could spend years in jail easily and/or get sued for big bucks.

 

 

Oh no that is not the reaction I am looking for at all!!!! OMG NO!!

 

Would not the best action for you to take in your situation would be to in front of this guy put your arm around your gf and kiss her smack in front of him?

 

I mean come on that is the best non violent solution ..... yeah buddy she is hot.....and look i am kissing her

 

In several instances he just never even bothered to take into consideration that I was actually upset by the hit man...... I did not tell him about the man who stuck his tongue in my ear and offered to "lick my P*ssy".......

Because the guy was drunk, my H was actually sitting next to the guys wife at the bar and what would be the point of starting a brawl or upsetting his wife? I told him after the couple left and positioned myself away from the ear licker until they did.

 

But he did not seem to register that I found the situation upsetting at all....

 

and the dog attack thing..... well that was just .. .... I have no words for that.

[Hard2Think]

Ah - I get it ..! Yeah, that would be the way to go.

 

Oh no that is not the reaction I am looking for at all!!!! OMG NO!!

 

Would not the best action for you to take in your situation would be to in front of this guy put your arm around your gf and kiss her smack in front of him?

 

I mean come on that is the best non violent solution ..... yeah buddy she is hot.....and look i am kissing her

 

In several instances he just never even bothered to take into consideration that I was actually upset by the hit man...... I did not tell him about the man who stuck his tongue in my ear and offered to "lick my P*ssy".......

Because the guy was drunk, my H was actually sitting next to the guys wife at the bar and what would be the point of starting a brawl or upsetting his wife? I told him after the couple left and positioned myself away from the ear licker until they did.

 

But he did not seem to register that I found the situation upsetting at all....

 

and the dog attack thing..... well that was just .. .... I have no words for that.

[Becoming]

You're right. Nice doesn't work with these guys. It's like nothing registers without a verbal 2 x 4 and follow-through tough-love kind of action to back it up. And honestly, it's just too much work.

 

And look at what a4a did after H passed out six whole flyers:

I just put another ad in the paper with a picture of the truck for him this morn..I paid for the ad, I DID IT.....I have handed out more flyers than I can count to people who may know someone ..... I am thinking about faxing the ad to companies that may have a use for the truck, I nicely mentioned for him to do this 3 months or more ago.

 

He sat on his ass last night and watched TV he could have put the ad in the paper......he did not used to be this way he would work with me from dawn to dusk even.

 

So he passes out six flyers (3x the amount required, granted!), and you do all the work it takes to put the ad in the paper?

 

Could it be that your overwork enables him to underfunction quite well?

 

You only verbally said you expected him to pass out 2 flyers, while on here it looks like you ACTUALLY expect him to do quite a lot more, which, frankly, seems reasonable to me. Except we can't see if you've made your actual expectations clear to him. If you haven't (perhaps in the bottom-line way you had to do it yesterday--now that's a b!tch, ain't it:(), then from his point of view, nothing is ever good enough for you, so why bother.

 

I don't think your expectations are too high. If anything, they're too low. He's meeting the letter of the law you lay down. But what you really want is the spirit of the law, right?--him giving out of himself at his initiative in order to contribute to the common good of your life together?

 

I dunno. Just asking in order to help.

 

The dog bite incident is disturbing. How does he handle emergency situations in general, though? Some folks are just paralyzed in those situations--it's an actual physical inability to respond, as though they go on sensory overload and shut down like a computer crash and just stand there. Is that what he did?