Torn

[Lost22]

My friend informed me about this site and well I guess you could say I have been through a bit of an emotional time over the past 6 mths or so.I dont want history to repeat itself either.

 

I met this guy off the net.He was terrific and everything!We decided to meet.Problem was that he was married.He then told me that he was incredibly attracted to me and that him and his wife had made a pact!?Whether thats true or not is still a debate in my head.We continued to see one another for over a year or so.I had known him as a friend for over a yr.We have a lot in common and I could feel myself falling deeply in love with him.I guess it got out of control on my behalf..I thought about him continuously and I wanted to be with him all the time.My career suffered because of it.I couldnt handle the deceit so I attempted suicide.I pleaded with him beforehand to leave her..but he refused because his children have difficulties.My parents were very anti the relationship and rightly so.But my heart still feels a lot of love for him..it's very painful though.

 

I cant trust what he says.

 

He told her shortly after I was admitted into hospital.She denied ever saying anything about a pact.She then told him to keep away from me.But I pleaded him to stay in my life.Somehow we still see each other.He usually starts kissing me and touching me..then the emotions flow back.All of them...he's not being fair!

 

My other problem is I am starting to really like another man.I know I should tell him.But the thing is I've never met him reality.We have a lot in common and he's always willing to listen when I'm down.My previous relatioship was about passion most of the time.Its as though he could demonstrate love any other way.The thing is the new guy has feelings for me too.He says he loves me.I feel incredibly bad and confused.

 

PLEASE PLEASE HELP!

[BeenThere]

Torn,

 

Unfortunately these are the repercussions when you allow yourself to become involved with someone who is married. I wonder if the women who fall for these men somehow imagine that eventually they will be able to convince the guy to leave their wife and families for them. The fact is, they never make that choice as long as "the other woman" allows the affair to continue without compromise. Why make a choice when you don't have to? And yes, they all tell you that there's an "understanding" between the two of them...that its an "open marriage"...that "they're staying because of the children"...or that "they are miserable at home, but can't leave right now." What other excuse could they possibly give for their behavior? It's a lie, and a bad one at that! The only truth here is that HE'S MARRIED!

 

My real concern here is for this other man you said that you are now falling for. You say the two of you have actually never met, but he's already told you that he loves you? Loves what? A blurb of text on a chat room screen? A strange voice on the phone? It doesn't matter even if you've confided your deepest darkest secrets in this stranger; if he seems to be the most sympathetic and understanding person you've ever corresponded with. The reality is; he doesn't know you at all! And these sudden untimely professions of love indicate to me that there is something very "unhealthy" going on here. I think perhaps you are reaching out to this man...to ANYONE...because you are feeling needy and starved for love. Sadly, I think all you've managed to do was find someone else who is either an opportunist who will victimize you again, or an emotionally dysfunctional codependent.

 

Please, don't allow yourself to go from one toxic relationship to another until you get some qualified counseling. I think you need to find out what is going on within you...why you seem to gravitate towards unhealthy people and relationships. Why you seem to be caught up in this fantasy romance novel you've created.

 

The problem here doesn't rest with your married boyfriend. He only bares *part* of the blame for what's going on here. The major responsibility lies with you, and your inability to make healthy choices when it comes to finding suitable partners. I'm not saying that you don't deserve to be loved! On the contrary! But you first need to figure out what "love" IS before you rush off blindly in a desperate attempt to find it. Learn to love yourself FIRST...enough to seek the help you need, than the rest will fall into place.

My friend informed me about this site and well I guess you could say I have been through a bit of an emotional time over the past 6 mths or so.I dont want history to repeat itself either.

 

I met this guy off the net.He was terrific and everything!We decided to meet.Problem was that he was married.He then told me that he was incredibly attracted to me and that him and his wife had made a pact!?Whether thats true or not is still a debate in my head.We continued to see one another for over a year or so.I had known him as a friend for over a yr.We have a lot in common and I could feel myself falling deeply in love with him.I guess it got out of control on my behalf..I thought about him continuously and I wanted to be with him all the time.My career suffered because of it.I couldnt handle the deceit so I attempted suicide.I pleaded with him beforehand to leave her..but he refused because his children have difficulties.My parents were very anti the relationship and rightly so.But my heart still feels a lot of love for him..it's very painful though. I cant trust what he says. He told her shortly after I was admitted into hospital.She denied ever saying anything about a pact.She then told him to keep away from me.But I pleaded him to stay in my life.Somehow we still see each other.He usually starts kissing me and touching me..then the emotions flow back.All of them...he's not being fair! My other problem is I am starting to really like another man.I know I should tell him.But the thing is I've never met him reality.We have a lot in common and he's always willing to listen when I'm down.My previous relatioship was about passion most of the time.Its as though he could demonstrate love any other way.The thing is the new guy has feelings for me too.He says he loves me.I feel incredibly bad and confused. PLEASE PLEASE HELP!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "PLEASE PLEASE HELP!"

 

You do need a lot of help but I don't know where to start.

 

First, there are consequences for committing adultery, emotional and otherwise. You knew from the beginning he was married...even if he had some sort of "pact" (your mama never told you men lie to get in girl's pants, that's why they call it a lay!!!), you were on notice that he was married and unattainable.

 

We cannot solve the underlying reasons why you personally went for an unattainable married man. We cannot change your desire for a challenge. We cannot change your desire to wrest men from their wives and get them to come to your camp. We cannot change your unfounded hope that men will make major changes in their lives to accomodate your desires.

 

The only thing I can tell you is to immediately seek counselling to get help. Anybody who attempts suicide because some scumbag married guy, who you know is married, won't leave his wife and marry you...well...I'll let you finish the sentence. I just feel really bad for you.

 

Get rid of this married guy FAST. Get him out of your life. NOTHING is going to come of it. Cease all contact and hope he leaves the planet so you don't have to share oxygen with him.

 

As far as this other guy who likes you, first ascertain if he is married. Make sure you pay attention, I mean close attention, to his behavior. Be ready to leave him instantly if you see signs there may be another woman or if he doesn't treat you nicely.

 

But, by all means, if you have a single, kind, courteous, attentive, stable, honest guy interested in you and the feeling is mutual, by all means pursue it. Why would you have to ask us about that?

 

Again, get help for your attraction to married men. It will get you in trouble every time, no exceptions.