Having Kids with MM

[lover's rock]

And what if his wife finds out that he fathered a child and wants him to sue for custody? That happens too.

[lyfelite]

Well.... I understand what you are saying.... I am a single mother (partner died) and it is possible to see an upside for every downside. Yes I am burdened with 100% responsibility for all decisions - but then again I get to make them all... yes, I have to do *everything* but then again, at least no one can let me down.... ultimately the buck stops with me. I get all the hard work and the guilt AND all the satisfaction.

 

I don't think you should have a child with the MM. Honestly. You would be tied to him for the rest of your life. There would be legal issues. Your child might feel like a bastard, in the old sense (I think having a father with a ''real'' family and children he openly acknowledges would be rather hurtful). Your child would be resented by the MM's family and children - its brothers - should the truth come out.

 

If you truly want to do this on your own - I say go the whole way and ensure your independence. It seems to me that you would have the restrictions without the benefits... what happens if you start dating? Would MM whine that the man shouldnt be around ''his'' child? etc etc. I don't think you can predict the outcomes of that kind of volatile situation.

 

Consternation, I completely agree with your last paragraph in fact I have planned for so long to do this on my own-- that it is almost second nature for me not to consider anyones thoughts or opinions. But After our conversation last week-- like I said MM and his request/ suggestion made me think well if I could give my kid a father by name etc. would I? And so I posed this situation to my mother, my three best friends two girls and one guy. And they all said the same thing. And I can tell you all by no means do they ever tell me what I want to hear. I didn't expect to hear what they said. Like I've said I was shocked. I have thought about it greatly in the fact that if you were a kid growing up knowing that your father had a nother family how would you feel. Especially if you had to grow up an only child and if you found out you had other siblings what would it be like... but then again that really is no different then being the product of a donor. Being the product of a donor you could have 25-50 siblings out there. At least this way you only know its you and these two other people. And that point there is a big one amonst my family and friends.

 

And I know it means i would have some ties to MM forever-- even as I write that it echos in my head. And I think forever- ever ever and ever..... and that makes me cringe. But then I look at other people who have had children by men they are no longer with and its doesn't have to be a big issue. I don't think MM will have issues with me dating other men. He might try to dictate soemthing but then again MM knows me and knows that I don't play that either. He is often told he is in no position what so ever to tell me how or what I should do in my life.

 

Oh yea to answer your question about my age- I'm 35 and this is a very very real situation. Hell I wish I could make up something this crazy.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

LL,

 

I think I can understand what you are saying. You want your own children and nothing is going to change that. I have 3 and every day, I wonder how I got that blessed!

 

To your question, one thing I'd want to be certain of from Derrick - if I were you - is how much involment does he want with his offspring. You may not want to see Derrick ever again, and for this reason, you may not want your child to be involved with him either. So logically, a sperm donor would be a better option.

 

One advantage of having your MM as the donor is that you know him quite well - and he could be a better person than any of the sperm donors available at the sperm bank.

 

Good luck. It's a tough decision - but only you can make this choice.

[lyfelite]

LL,

 

I think I can understand what you are saying. You want your own children and nothing is going to change that. I have 3 and every day, I wonder how I got that blessed!

 

To your question, one thing I'd want to be certain of from Derrick - if I were you - is how much involment does he want with his offspring. You may not want to see Derrick ever again, and for this reason, you may not want your child to be involved with him either. So logically, a sperm donor would be a better option.

 

One advantage of having your MM as the donor is that you know him quite well - and he could be a better person than any of the sperm donors available at the sperm bank.

 

Good luck. It's a tough decision - but only you can make this choice.

 

Thank you- That is the exact point my family makes as well. I know Derrick and what to expect as far as temperment goes. And Even how his children have turned out. As for his involvement-- I don't think it made it to one of the posts. But I asked if he would sign over his rights and he has said no. So I take it that means he wants some involvement. I don't think it would get to the point that I'd never want to see him.

The one thing about our situation is that its not just sex and we do have a very deep friendship. I know all the people on here will be like yea he probablay does with his wife too. And yes I suppose he does... I happen to think humans are able to maintain more than one deeply emotional committment to more than one person.

[TheDiva]

First - I did not ask him- he offered. Second I do not secretely want him to be more a part of my life... because as you keep telling me which I appreciate -- I will have to re-range all my priorities. I never considered having a child with the MM until he suggested it. I quite frankly invision my life with my child without him. as that he's just someone i enjoy being with every now and then. That is why this is a delima. I enjoy his company- when we are around one another.

 

I understand where you are coming from and yes I might end up re-arrange my whole likfe for my child. But is something i am unwilling to do for a man. And that is something I have struggled with emotionally as well. But it all comes down to the fact my child will depend on me. And I will have to give it all that it needs without any hesistation. I can not be that for a completely grown man who has many emotional hang ups-- and when I state that i'm not talking about the MM. I'm just speaking in general.

 

 

You did not ask. He offered. Kind of smacks of a control tactic to me. A child would keep you in his life, and he would have a lot more control over your life and child than you think. SO bearing this sentence in mind...

 

 

I quite frankly invision my life with my child without him.

 

 

it is better to use a donor.

 

As heartless as this may make me sound. I am glad my situation turned out the way it did. I miscarried a MM baby. All these years later, while sad about the loss, I am still very happy to have no reason to be in contact with him.

[norajane]

At least this way you only know its you and these two other people.At least this way you only know its you and these two other people.

And one day, this child is going to want to find and meet those half-brothers...and wonder why his/her father has two families and only wanted to live with his sons.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Well, LL.

 

There you have it. Please be certain of the extent of involment that he expects - so no surprises or disappointment later. For example, does he want to have "alone time" with his child? How about financial support? I thiink you should talk to a lawyer so that you are protected. In my experience, love can change to hate in a matter of seconds.

[lyfelite]

Well, LL.

 

There you have it. Please be certain of the extent of involment that he expects - so no surprises or disappointment later. For example, does he want to have "alone time" with his child? How about financial support? I thiink you should talk to a lawyer so that you are protected. In my experience, love can change to hate in a matter of seconds.

 

 

Thanks for the advice... i full plan on there being some sort of legal agreement--- If I choose to take this route. We still have alot to discuss. As for financial support, he knows it is not needed. So at least one thing is a non-issue.

[norajane]

Thanks for the advice... i full plan on there being some sort of legal agreement--- If I choose to take this route. We still have alot to discuss. As for financial support, he knows it is not needed. So at least one thing is a non-issue.

 

And what if something were to happen to you? Financial support needs to be taken into account if you can't work or worse. Also whether the child would end up with him and his family, or yours.

[a4a]

what if something were to happen to you? Would your MM not want custody of his child then...... I do have a friend that was a product of a similar situation. She grew up treated very poorly by her non biological parent.

 

Go with the sperm bank if you plan to be a single mother.

 

Besides why would you want to have his child anyway if it really has nothing to do with anything but needing sperm?

[Guest]

I think if you want to be single parent, you should go to the sperm bank.

 

Think of all the possible complications that would come up if your friendship with this man ever soured....

[MrsHellFire]

I know for one I don't have the time it takes to be some ones wife full time.

 

So then what makes you think you have what it takes to be a full time mom??? That is much harder than being a full-time wife alone!!!!!

 

Also, you first stated you met your MM 4 years ago, but then you said 2003 which is only 3 years ago.

 

Other than that, I don't see a problem with it if you verify that the wife really is into the "open relationship". Otherwise, think about her feelings. If you want less hastle, a sperm donor might be the way to go..

[lyfelite]

what if something were to happen to you? Would your MM not want custody of his child then...... I do have a friend that was a product of a similar situation. She grew up treated very poorly by her non biological parent.

 

Go with the sperm bank if you plan to be a single mother.

 

Besides why would you want to have his child anyway if it really has nothing to do with anything but needing sperm?

 

That is something we have to discuss. I'm very sure I want my child with my family. Thanks for the suggestion.

[lyfelite]

what if something were to happen to you? Would your MM not want custody of his child then...... I do have a friend that was a product of a similar situation. She grew up treated very poorly by her non biological parent.

 

Go with the sperm bank if you plan to be a single mother.

 

Besides why would you want to have his child anyway if it really has nothing to do with anything but needing sperm?

 

 

So then what makes you think you have what it takes to be a full time mom??? That is much harder than being a full-time wife alone!!!!!

 

Also, you first stated you met your MM 4 years ago, but then you said 2003 which is only 3 years ago.

 

Other than that, I don't see a problem with it if you verify that the wife really is into the "open relationship". Otherwise, think about her feelings. If you want less hastle, a sperm donor might be the way to go..

 

 

Honestly I've stopped counting.. yep its been 3 years. My mistake. Hell and its seems like a lot longer than that. It feels more like 5 years.

[a4a]

That is something we have to discuss. I'm very sure I want my child with my family. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

You totally dismissed the important question:

 

What is so important about using your MM sperm?

 

You do have emotional ties to him don't you? This is much deeper than a simple sperm donation.......otherwise it would not matter. Logically it is not smart to use his sperm at all.

[lyfelite]

You totally dismissed the important question:

 

What is so important about using your MM sperm?

 

You do have emotional ties to him don't you? This is much deeper than a simple sperm donation.......otherwise it would not matter. Logically it is not smart to use his sperm at all.

 

 

Oh sorry did mean to intentionally not answer.

 

I think why I would consider using his sperm, is because well I know what my kid might look like. I'd be able to say hey you have your dad's nose or his ears. Or be able to say you got his freckles. You bit your nails because he's a nail bitter. Or your impatient and are easily fristrated with little task because we both are. Or your good at this or that because of this... I mean there is a wealth of knowledge there that isn't otherwise apparent in sperm donation. Like if the kid had green eyes but MM eyes are blue but his mother has green eyes. Are even the shape of those things. All things mind you MM brought up in his conversation with... all things I like to think are only as important as you make them. But them he asked me " Who's nose do you have your mother or fathers?" I have my mom's nose. I'm agressive in all parts of my life like my mother. And I'm a dare devil like my father. MM asked why I would feel the need to not want my own kid to not know these things. I said its just not an option. and he said but it is.

 

So is there an emotional aspect to it yes. Is it my feelings for MM. i don't think so. I think above all which ever way I decide to go... there are certain elements if I go with donation I am unable to give my child. And their are leelments if I go with MM as its father that I am unable to give to it. I mean the best option of course would be for to magically meet someone who is able to give it all the history and genetical material it may need to be a whole person-- but lets face it there are people out there who have two parents that grew up in normal homes and they aren't and don't have what it takes to be whole nor normal.

 

So all i can do is the best that I can.

[RecordProducer]

I have asked my best friends and family members what they think of this. They have all been very supportive and think that its a fine idea. I too am amazed at how many of them think its fine. I also am surprised that I'm the one having issues with this.

I see that you're hesitant (beside from being cautious and willing to look at your idea from all angles) so before I say "If in doubt, leave it out", I would like to remind you of some facts about having a child.

 

If you've always wanted to be a mother and have known that you will be and love your child some day then you definitely "qualify" to follow your instinct at some point of your life and have a child. Children are so precious; it's love that you'll never ever find in anyone else or feel for anyone else. If you want to be a mother, it would be a shame for you to grow old and never experience the most wonderful thing in the world.

 

If you want a child and don't have it, you will most likely regret it some day. Knowing what I know about children, I can't imagine my life without that priceless treasure; without that unconditional, passionate, and enormous love.

 

So if you've decided that you want to have a child then you have to decide when and with whom, but most importantly adjust your life to the child's needs.

 

If you plan to travel 3 weeks per month or even one week per month, you're not going to be able to take care of your child properly. Even a full-time job interferes with your parental responsibilities and requirements. It's not about finding someone to take care of your baby while you're gone, but about spending as much time and giving as much love as you can to him or her. A child with a mother who travels all the time and a father who is married to another woman, raised by aunts and grandmas will not feel as loved and happy as it deserves to.

 

I have twin boys and I feel how much they miss me when I am out for just a couple hours, when I am on the computer or taking a nap. They are very sad when I am not around even when they are surrounded with people who love them very much (like their dad or my mom). A child definitely needs a mother and if you plan to have one, I (as much as I have a right to it) insist that you request a transfer to a job position where you will be available for your child at least after 5 pm. If you have a baby-sitter (e.g. your mom) that will spend as much (or even more) time with your child as you then you're not ready to sacrifice anything for your child . And if you're not ready to sacrifice then why have it at all?

 

Ideally, if you're not older than 35, you would find a single man, develop a healthy relationship with him, and have his child. Frankly, I don't think your MM is approaching the situation seriously. He said his sons wouldn't care, but I think it's him who wouldn't care if they would care. If he wants to have a family with you, but also wants to have a regular family with his wife, it only shows how lightly he takes the father's responsibility. As much as I might have understanding for people who have a decent family and a sexy mistress on aside, I have no respect for bigamous men who have two "wives" and children with both of them at the same time.

 

Have you discussed parenting roles and financial involvement with him? How will he explain to his child some day that he has to go back to his wife home? I understand that you could have had a child with someone who later married another woman and the situation would biologically be the same; but in that case your child would have a legitimate right to visit and call his/her father whenever he/she wants and all together the situation wouldn't be so awkward and frustrating for the child.

 

I honestly don't see any point in him being the father voluntarily unless he divorces his wife, especially since he is so convinced that his sons are grown up and wouldn't care. He doesn't even have to live with you. But let's operate with the facts we have - divorce is not an option so back to the subject.

 

I know for one I don't have the time it takes to be some ones wife full time.

A child is a three-shift job and requires (and deserves) much more time, attention, and effort than any husband. But the sacrifice is worth every minute of it.

 

So bottom line- Should I let my MM impregnant me?

I figure you wanted to hear some objective pros and cons. I can only tell you that:

1. Your decision to become a mom is wonderful, but not necessarily an emergency. May I ask: how old are you?

2. If you want to have a child, you have to make time for it every day!

3. Between the MM and a sperm donor, I vote for the MM. I hate the idea of an unknown father. When the child asks some day who his father is, the mother has to say: "Honey, I have no clue who he is, but he must have good genes, cuz you turned out good! " I think donors are only good for couples where the man cannot have children while the woman can so they don't need to involve a third person in their marriage plus the husband will be the child's official father anyway. A child from a sperm donor is fatherless. All it gets from its dad is sperm. Isn't that sad?

 

P.S Don't be so sure about their "open relationship." Having a threesome with her consent and having a child without her consent are two very different things. Don't foget that if he has a child with you, it will also inherit a portion of his assets, i.e. share them with her two sons. No woman is so generous so don't count on her generousity. I see a tendency in you to count on things that are not only uncertain to turn out good, but are very certain to be negative and trouble-causing.

[lyfelite]

Record Producer-

 

I am 35.. just turned 35 last weekend infact. My decission to have a child is not one that was made lightly and has been in the works for some time now. I have always known I wanted children, but between three degree and work well time sometimes slips away from you. And the promise I made to myself was that if by the time I turned 35 -- that there was no one in my life like that or hadn't had a child by then, then I would use alternative reproductive measure. Where here it is.

As for your #3 that is the reason in which my family and friends believe it is better that I go with MM too. They know what he looks like too and how he is.

And believe me I know its a full time job. It is my hope and plan to be able to just do some consulting work- which means I get set my own terms as far as who I will do business with. And as a product of a single home i do realize time is important. But I can not according to my fertility specialist put it off much longer because with ever year there is an increase in problems that are fertility related.

 

So I'm not willing to risk being unable to have my own biological offer spring waiting for the right guy to happen along. And sure he might and I might be 50 by the time that happends --- then what. I've waited and wasted all my healthy reproductive years on a pipe-dream for real.

 

So the situation with MM might not be ideal- I never said it was. But its an option.

[RecordProducer]

The time issue was my biggest concern (of all you've stated) and if you can manage that then everything else is up to you. I see you have a loving family to support you and help you.

 

Nonetheless, I don't want to take the responsibility of encouraging you to make such an important life-changing decision without knowing all about the situation first-hand. It's YOU who has to be sure about this.

 

One more thing: do as much research as you can about his family health history (heart diseases, cancer, mental disorders, chronic diseases, etc.) Don't just look at his sons! Good luck!

[lyfelite]

The time issue was my biggest concern (of all you've stated) and if you can manage that then everything else is up to you. I see you have a loving family to support you and help you.

 

Nonetheless, I don't want to take the responsibility of encouraging you to make such an important life-changing decision without knowing all about the situation first-hand. It's YOU who has to be sure about this.

 

One more thing: do as much research as you can about his family health history (heart diseases, cancer, mental disorders, chronic diseases, etc.) Don't just look at his sons! Good luck!

 

 

Yes we discussed his family back ground as well the other day. So I'm aware of somethings I suppose as best as one can be -- even if your married to the person you sometimes don't all the facts.

[lover's rock]

You've never addressed the questions raised about his wife????

[yesmaybe]

lyfelite, as long as his wife and family are ok with it, then his sperm seems like a good choice. But...I highly doubt his family will be ok with it.

 

Go with the sperm bank. So far, you seem to have made the right choices in order to keep your life as drama-free as possible. Why start creating drama now, especially when ushering in a new life?

[a4a]

So you plan to have the MM in your childs life? You will at least probably tell the child who his father is indeed?

 

So don't you think the child will want to know why his/her father cannot spend the holidays with you? Oh he is with his other more important family he cannot be here for you on your birthday, graduation, christmas,.......

 

Don't you think that it will make things much worse letting the child know that a parent exists that is aware of the childs presence in the world but has nothing to really do with that child.

 

What happens if the wife finds out and the MM drops you like a rock?

 

You are opening up a huge can of worms for yourself , but more so you are (for your own desires alone) going to cause major problems in this childs life by using the MM sperm.

 

Maybe he and his wife want another child and are using you as an unknowning surrogate? How do you really know....... because he tells you?

 

You and the MM are using this child as a bridge between you. You can easily find out eye color, nose, and looks at many sperm banks so physical looks is not the reason to use the MM as a donor...... hell the child may end up looking like the MM mother not the MM.

 

What about MM family as well....... don't his kids have the right to know about a sibling?.... MM father and mother should know if they have a grandchild?

 

As for the open relationship..... again I would not be so sure to believe it.

 

Did you ever think that MM could be using this sperm donation to keep you under his control?

 

If MM would leave his wife would you want him in your life full time?

 

I think you indeed are in much deeper with the MM than what you state.

 

I think there is quite a bit of denial going on here on your part and quite a bit of lies coming from the MM.

[lyfelite]

So you plan to have the MM in your childs life? You will at least probably tell the child who his father is indeed?

 

** Yes he plans on being in our childs life. And one of the main reasons for him to do it is so that the child knows it has a father.

 

So don't you think the child will want to know why his/her father cannot spend the holidays with you? Oh he is with his other more important family he cannot be here for you on your birthday, graduation, christmas,.......

 

**I'm sure Derrick will be able to spend some holidays with us. Perhaps not everyone -- but we already spend a few holidays together now. So I don't see that as being a big change. As for Christmas- I don't celibrate it for religious reasons. So that one really isn't an issue. Birthdays-- not even parents who are together celibrate every birthday with their child. I can remember at least 6 birthdays my own father missed when I was a child before he passed away. He died when I was 9, and was in the Airforce. So that really is a non-issue.

 

 

Don't you think that it will make things much worse letting the child know that a parent exists that is aware of the childs presence in the world but has nothing to really do with that child.

 

** My first answer is no. But then there is an I don't know factor. I hope that I am able to raise an emotionally secure child such as my own mother did. Also, the MM does want to be a presence- this he has made clear.

 

What happens if the wife finds out and the MM drops you like a rock?

 

**Ahh what can I say bye and thanks for the the good times... it was fun while it lasted.

 

You are opening up a huge can of worms for yourself , but more so you are (for your own desires alone) going to cause major problems in this childs life by using the MM sperm.

 

Maybe he and his wife want another child and are using you as an unknowning surrogate? How do you really know....... because he tells you?

 

** I don't think so. And once again I point out his family lives in another country. I live in Washington D.C. and I know my path and the wife's path will never cross besides-- I don't know any women who is finished raising one set of kids and is like yea lets go out and have a little baby. Also I'm sure she isn't interested in wanting my child.

 

You and the MM are using this child as a bridge between you. You can easily find out eye color, nose, and looks at many sperm banks so physical looks is not the reason to use the MM as a donor...... hell the child may end up looking like the MM mother not the MM.

 

** Yes that is a posibility which is his arguement. The child could like like him, his siblings, its siblings, its grandparents who ever... but at least they would have the opportunity to know these people even if its in a small capacity. As he know I will not move to the country in which he lives because I'm not interested in living there. The Child and I could live closer but i have no desire to live in Northern Europe what so ever. And that would be easy enough to explain away-" Sweetie Mommy doesn't like the cold and Daddy lives in a place where it rains and its cold. And well i'm origicanlly a Southern Cali girl--so hey sorry there was no way we were living there."

Sure this might be trite to some of you but I can tell you, between my allergies and being constantly cold-- I'm not happy when I have to be there. So why live in a place where its measurable.

 

 

What about MM family as well....... don't his kids have the right to know about a sibling?.... MM father and mother should know if they have a grandchild?

 

 

** I suppose he will eventually tell them. I have no feelings toward this one way or another.

 

 

As for the open relationship..... again I would not be so sure to believe it.

 

Did you ever think that MM could be using this sperm donation to keep you under his control?

 

** I have to tell you this one made me laugh. No he's not. He's not a controlling person. Nor am I one to be controlled. I think many people forget that occassionally someone can be strong women and still opt for situations that make no sense. I give you the fact that many people will respond no your not stong. But I can gaurantee that the reason why he is with me is because of my strength in personality and character. I know the reason why MM is with me is because when he married his W- she is what most men think they want when they are young, some one who will take care them and see to their needs. Basically someone who is like yes dear what ever you say. Well he grew up and out of needing to have that and wanted to be with someone of more equally matched.

 

Again, he has been seperated from her once, and left two times after that.

 

If MM would leave his wife would you want him in your life full time?

 

** No idea. Right now I say no because i think when ever two people split up there needs to be some time spent alone figuring out what you want so you can go after it. But if he left his wife after our child was born- I'm not sure how I would feel.

 

I think you indeed are in much deeper with the MM than what you state.

 

** Of course I am. There isn't much one can really write here. This one answer is already too long but i wanted to respond to your questions. And it helps me to talk it out.

 

I think there is quite a bit of denial going on here on your part and quite a bit of lies coming from the MM.

 

** I promise I'm not in denial. I have never asked MM to leave his wife and when he did it the last two times, I told him to make the right decission that was best for him. Not what was best for us. Because I do not wish to be the reason for him ending his marriage. I tell him often enough that has to be his decission based on what he feels is right. MM and I have a very good friendship the being lovers part is only one part of the equation. As for him lying- he has no reason to lie to me. He has reason to lie to his wife but not me.

[norajane]

** Yes that is a posibility which is his arguement. The child could like like him, his siblings, its siblings, its grandparents who ever... but at least they would have the opportunity to know these people even if its in a small capacity. As he know I will not move to the country in which he lives because I'm not interested in living there. The Child and I could live closer but i have no desire to live in Northern Europe what so ever. And that would be easy enough to explain away-" Sweetie Mommy doesn't like the cold and Daddy lives in a place where it rains and its cold. And well i'm origicanlly a Southern Cali girl--so hey sorry there was no way we were living there."

Sure this might be trite to some of you but I can tell you, between my allergies and being constantly cold-- I'm not happy when I have to be there. So why live in a place where its measurable.

 

You're saying this as though your child will never grow up. S/he will, and she will start asking more and more questions, and wanting more and more adult answers. She will travel to the cold and ask her father why he's married to another woman and has another family. She will want to meet her half-brothers and grandmother and grandfather. And she will feel cheated by the choices you are making now which will always leave her feeling second-best in her father's life.