child hurting cuz dad is doing drugs

[K.J]

I am a single mother that is needing help.

 

I have a little girl that is 10 years old, my daughter was born with medical problems called craniofacial sydrome.

 

when she was 5 her father and i had talked and i was asking him if she could live with him as i had 2 other childern and really I could not afford all the medical expences as well as being able to make it to the appointments with my child. he told me that the only way would be if he was to have full cusdoy of her, i agreed not thinking that he would change as much as he did. as soon as he we went to court he had changed telling me what i was to do and not to do. telling when i was to have her in the home and when i was to take her for walks. i never looked at him as such a controling person.he then got himself into another relationship and that is when i started to hear the truth, I became close to his girlfriend and we started to talk all the time, she had informed me that he was using drugs again, we both told him that he was to return her to me. he put up a fight as he thinks that i am not a good parent, he ended up giving her back to me, now the problem is that he is still using them and it has been effecting my child, i have lied to her and made excusses for him( I know not a good thing)now i can not hide this anymore.

 

my question is how do I let her know that she will nto be seeing him until he stops this as she looks up to him. the school that she attends has contacted me and I explained the problem as they have told me that what ever has been happening is really hurting her. he has stopped showing up for his visits and he has called really late drinking wanting to pick her up. i tell him to go away and not to call until the next day. today i told him that he is to have no contact with her until he straightens up his life he asked how long will that be, i told him as long as it takes you to stay off of drugs and start to get real help for this problem.

 

we have court on the 29th of this month for 50 50 cusdoty. i want full cusdoty and i still have to inquire about this. any help !!!!

 

thank you K.J

[Anthony]

I cant offer you much of any help except that you should mention his drug habits at the court hearing and try to get some financial counceling/help... etc and try going to a councelor of some kind.

 

There are a lot of foundations around some private and some government based that offer their services for no or very small fees.

 

Since i dont know where you live nor am i asking to know i cant give you any names for such foundations but you could try to look at the yellowpages for them or go to the city

 

or county web sites to look for them.

 

As to your financial situation well you should take the stance that your children must come first even though your own comfort might suffer as a result... just cut back on all unnecessary expences if you havent allready done so

 

that includes stuff like alcohol.

 

But i have a question... why did you go for such a guy to begin with i mean there must have been quite a few signs of

 

what kind of a person he really was/is. Maybe you should go and see a councelor for that issue as well so you can learn

 

to avoid such situation in the future.

 

There are allways options but its hard to give any advice from the small amount of information you have given.

I am a single mother that is needing help.

 

I have a little girl that is 10 years old, my daughter was born with medical problems called craniofacial sydrome. when she was 5 her father and i had talked and i was asking him if she could live with him as i had 2 other childern and really I could not afford all the medical expences as well as being able to make it to the appointments with my child. he told me that the only way would be if he was to have full cusdoy of her, i agreed not thinking that he would change as much as he did. as soon as he we went to court he had changed telling me what i was to do and not to do. telling when i was to have her in the home and when i was to take her for walks. i never looked at him as such a controling person.he then got himself into another relationship and that is when i started to hear the truth, I became close to his girlfriend and we started to talk all the time, she had informed me that he was using drugs again, we both told him that he was to return her to me. he put up a fight as he thinks that i am not a good parent, he ended up giving her back to me, now the problem is that he is still using them and it has been effecting my child, i have lied to her and made excusses for him( I know not a good thing)now i can not hide this anymore. my question is how do I let her know that she will nto be seeing him until he stops this as she looks up to him. the school that she attends has contacted me and I explained the problem as they have told me that what ever has been happening is really hurting her. he has stopped showing up for his visits and he has called really late drinking wanting to pick her up. i tell him to go away and not to call until the next day. today i told him that he is to have no contact with her until he straightens up his life he asked how long will that be, i told him as long as it takes you to stay off of drugs and start to get real help for this problem. we have court on the 29th of this month for 50 50 cusdoty. i want full cusdoty and i still have to inquire about this. any help !!!! thank you K.J

[Laurynn]

First of all, you should consider contacting a lawyer. Look in the White Pages (or Yellow Pages) of your phone book for "Legal Aid" ......they provide (often free) legal services/council to those who can't afford a lawyer. If you have no income or low income, their services will likely be free. That's what they're there for. They will refer you to a lawyer in your area (free) who deals with custody issues, etc. You might also want to discuss with the lawyer, the issue of child support.....for if you want half or full custody, you should be entitled to child support.

 

I don't mean to judge you at all, but I was a little shocked to read that when this poor little girl was 5, you just handed her back to her Dad because you already had 2 kids and couldn't afford to care for her. That must have been extremely hard on her..to be with you for the first 5 yrs of her life, then to go with him....now it seems she's had to live in a very unstable environment and you want her back (or she's already temporarily back with you?).....she's getting juggled around back and forth.......that's very hard on kids. They need consistency and stability. Kids are not something to be passed back and forth like objects (I don't mean to upset or judge you).

 

If you were to get full custody of her, can you afford to properly care for her? Perhaps a lawyer at Legal Aid can put you in touch with whatever agency there might be, that would help you financially with her future medical costs. Or some kind of healthcare/medical assistance (maybe something similar to what those on welfare might qualify for??..sorry, I'm here in Canada and our healthcare system here is very different and very much better, so not sure what's there).

 

Yes, if her Dad is a drug user, she can't be in that environment, period. It could take him years to admit he has a problem and seek help (treatment, rehab, etc) and a couple more years after that to prove he's on the right path.......this little girl can't afford to wait around for him to be a proper Dad.

 

I find it interesting that his girlfriend is so involved here, that she's so helpful. Does she live with your daughter's Dad? Not that it matters but what does she think about the fact that he's an addict? Why is SHE staying with him?

 

Talk to a lawyer.....your daughter's future and future stability is at stake and this is something far too serious for you to just try and deal with on your own. You need a lawyer. Get on the phone today.

 

L

[K.J]

Thank you,

 

my daughter is living with me and has been for the past 2 years. here is somemore information about the situation. like i said he is very controling and when my daughter went to live with him I as a mother that does love her child very much. that was my only choice, i went to him for money, would not do anything, would not help at all. he would work for a bit enough to get E.I then go on E.I. at that point the courts said that he was not to pay even though she required ore expences. I felt that I was doing the right thing, we did slpit up when she was 1, I went to many resources for money and help. Just knowing that I as her mother put her in that enviorment brings tears to my eyes as i am typing this.

 

His family has covered this all from me. i never delt with a man that had a addiction at that point, so the signs of this was not there. His fasmily would lie and tell me that he was at home and was sleeping. I never thought that they would lie to me, this is why the girlfriend is so involved. she is the one that has told me everthing. I would not concider them together anymore. I do have a lawyer, i do have things started, my question was how do i explain to my daughter why she is not to see her father?

 

we have even went to the extent to have my sister move out here from home to help me. it is a very different situation.I never just handed her back to ger father, we talked about it, it was after that when he knew that he could do as he wished he went out of control. believe me I cried for months after the discussion was made and papers were signed. I still cry that this has happened. I love everyone of my childern, i have fought for them, i have lost income for them, i have cut out everything in life for them. i have done this because i look at them first!!!!

 

at that time when my daughter was 5, she was unable to talk, just getting out of diapers and had been in the hospital alot, i was unable to keep a job as no one knew how to look after her, it was only me and her.

 

again thank you...

 

oh ya yes i do have the money to look after all of them and myself without anyone suffering, i have the support that i need and i have resourses.

 

remember i am still looking for a answer on how to tell a 10 year old with disablitys that her father will not be seeing her for a long time.???

 

K.J

First of all, you should consider contacting a lawyer. Look in the White Pages (or Yellow Pages) of your phone book for "Legal Aid" ......they provide (often free) legal services/council to those who can't afford a lawyer. If you have no income or low income, their services will likely be free. That's what they're there for. They will refer you to a lawyer in your area (free) who deals with custody issues, etc. You might also want to discuss with the lawyer, the issue of child support.....for if you want half or full custody, you should be entitled to child support.

 

I don't mean to judge you at all, but I was a little shocked to read that when this poor little girl was 5, you just handed her back to her Dad because you already had 2 kids and couldn't afford to care for her. That must have been extremely hard on her..to be with you for the first 5 yrs of her life, then to go with him....now it seems she's had to live in a very unstable environment and you want her back (or she's already temporarily back with you?).....she's getting juggled around back and forth.......that's very hard on kids. They need consistency and stability. Kids are not something to be passed back and forth like objects (I don't mean to upset or judge you).

 

If you were to get full custody of her, can you afford to properly care for her? Perhaps a lawyer at Legal Aid can put you in touch with whatever agency there might be, that would help you financially with her future medical costs. Or some kind of healthcare/medical assistance (maybe something similar to what those on welfare might qualify for??..sorry, I'm here in Canada and our healthcare system here is very different and very much better, so not sure what's there).

 

Yes, if her Dad is a drug user, she can't be in that environment, period. It could take him years to admit he has a problem and seek help (treatment, rehab, etc) and a couple more years after that to prove he's on the right path.......this little girl can't afford to wait around for him to be a proper Dad. I find it interesting that his girlfriend is so involved here, that she's so helpful. Does she live with your daughter's Dad? Not that it matters but what does she think about the fact that he's an addict? Why is SHE staying with him?

 

Talk to a lawyer.....your daughter's future and future stability is at stake and this is something far too serious for you to just try and deal with on your own. You need a lawyer. Get on the phone today. L

[midori]

Dear Anthony,

 

From your postings I get the sense that you're a sincere guy who wants to deal with his problems and help other people along the way if he can -- am I reading you right? Yet in the three responses of yours that I've read (all of which responded to problems posted by women -- coincidence?), you have mixed in with your practical advice some highly judgmental assessments about them and the hows & whys concerning their problems, and/or chastised them for getting into the situations in the first place. As Laurynn has pointed out, it's not helpful -- and I imagine it makes the recipients disinclined to consider any of the meaningful things you might have to say. I bring this up because, if you're wondering why you never seem able to meet women, you might want to consider how you're coming across to other people. By all means we should be true to ourselves, and if for you that means no sugar-coating for the hasty and rather biased assessments you make of people you know very little about, so be it. But don't be surprised if you don't find any takers. On the other hand, if you go in with a willingness to listen to what is actually being said (rather than jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes), and an interest in the person speaking, your good intentions will be what people notice and respond to -- favorably.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

Best,

 

Midori

[Laurynn]

Dear KJ,

 

I'm sorry if I upset you. I sure didn't mean to make you cry. It's very evident that you dearly and deeply love all of your children and that you've tried to do the best for them, and continue to. I give you a lot of credit and I commend you.

 

So how do you tell your daughter that she won't be seeing him for a long time? Well, I don't have kids and I'm likely not the best for giving advice in this area...but here are some suggestions?

 

Do you have access to any kind of therapist or counsellor in your area who deals with children? A child psychologist, even? It might benefit you to contact one of these professionals..and seek their advice and guidance....they would probably be the most experienced in these delicate matters. I commend you for taking the time to seek advice on what the best way is to tell her.

 

Off the top of my head, though...I'd think that it wouldn't really be necessary at this time to tell her that she won't be seeing him for a "long time".....even though she's 10, children don't have a really clear sense of time.....so to her, 10 years might seem like an eternity, which is more than she can bear......when it might simply be a year or 2 for him to get his act together.

 

You don't want to bash her Dad, of course......as she obviously still loves him, as unhealthy and dysfunctional that he is. She probably doesn't need to know all the gory details..that he's an addict........but maybe something general like, "your Dad has some things to work through in his life and he has to take care of himself before he can take care of anyone else...he loves you with all his heart and he'll never STOP loving you but he's got to get some help to straighten his life out"......make sure to reassure her that he still loves her and will never stop loving her, I think that's very important......and to REASSURE her that she has done NOTHING WRONG...she is NOT TO BLAME for his problems......(kids can often think that situations like these are their fault, and it can cause tremendous guilt which they're often not even aware of/able to verbalize).....

 

Your lawyer might be able to refer you to some kind of child psychologist or children's/family counsellor in your area, I'd think...just ask.

 

I hope that's helped just a little. Hopefully someone else will have more to offer, maybe someone who's been in your shoes or who's at least a parent.

 

Sending hugs and prayers your way,

 

Laurynn

[K.J]

One thing i would like to tell you, you did not make the tears come as they do on ther own . the thought that I never seen this or that I had so much trust for other people makes them come. I know that her father is sick, this is what i have been telling her as the visits have went down hill in the past little bit. I have went to her school and am talking to a social worker about this as i think that they can help, or at least understand why she is very upset latly. You did not upset me by stating what you were thinking as you were reading what i wrote. I just wanted to make this clear that I felt that it was the only way for her to have the best of a life. I am taking it day by day with her and understanding her and her feelings with this.

 

One thing that my friend was saying was to maybe go bck home with the kids. A place where I was born and raised.

 

Againg I thank you alot.

 

K.J

[Anthony]

Well like i said before i wasnt allways this cynical or direct one just grows to the occation when the expriences have been what they have been. As i have said as long as they treat me as human and them selves in that same regard they get the same responce from me ... a burp hear and there never hurt anyone.

 

Try this on for size the emotional functions with atleast guys are somewhat economical you give a little you get a little and if you dont recieve anything back your run out.

 

Then there are all of the little quirks of personality and aging/iology that come in to play to make the equation a bit more confusing.

 

Suffice to say with age and experience most guys at various speed for /of their own experiences grow slightly colder and

 

ever more uncaring adn stable emotionally... ever see an

 

old man (of full mind and body) whom did not smile or cry when such emotions were due for normal people.

 

There are those whom give and give and give without ever recieving back any positive reenforcement of the emotional resource spent... those are the guys whom grow to become like me... or they climb a tower while having a bad reaction to their medication. (a joke if you didnt realize)

 

But try that on for size for the basis of my commentary i learned from my mistakes and some of what others have made and as such I really try to help others do the same for them selves while searching for some answers to my own problems.

 

I do respond to the messages guys have left on here for example with Tony and his repsonce to my query... besides

 

even though my messages might seem rude and crass im not like that in person... you propably realise how easy it is to write those comments and how easy it is to get confused by what usually has been meant as a "humorous" exageration and over simplification for the purposes of getting ones point through.

 

They should not be taken as judgemental or personal comments... i have on several occation said that is is not my life to live and as such im not one to judge but i will throw in a comment of/on learning from ones mistakes and learning of/from those of others.

 

In essence even though the example might not directly apply

 

it may still be taken as a bit of advice (ie. learn from your own mistakes as well as those of others.).

 

As to the answer to this query the "child hurting cuz dad is doing drugs" posted by KJ well i gave some advice on what she could do and should do and then i sked her of

 

how she ended up in the situation to begin with just to point out and make her think of that there are things she can do in the future to avoid other situations like that.

 

And If she had answered the question in the end she might have given me some help with my problem as well...

 

though i have my own realizations for my problem i would rather not turn in to a person of such "character".

 

In essence if i became a backstabbing, continuously smiling,

 

drug abuse enforcing, pretentious jackass, whom has no problem lying to people... not to mention a few other things not really polite enough to express in words.

 

then try to imagine how far i could get with women as such a person.... then think of how many men you have know have actually turned out as being such. Just a small strain of thought.

 

Continuin on that note you made earlier on

 

being "judgemental" etc. some of that "image" might come out of me pointing out the fact that there are allways

 

2 parties to every situation and more often enough the reponsibility for those situations is divided 50/50.

 

Even negative commentary though rarely mine are intended that way can nudge forth a strain of tought that may be helpfull.. ie. even if the comment makes them run away at a later point they usually realize its meaning.

 

As to having posted to womens columns well there are not that many men posting stuff on here or i might have just missed them while scanning through the subjects.

Dear Anthony, From your postings I get the sense that you're a sincere guy who wants to deal with his problems and help other people along the way if he can -- am I reading you right? Yet in the three responses of yours that I've read (all of which responded to problems posted by women -- coincidence?), you have mixed in with your practical advice some highly judgmental assessments about them and the hows & whys concerning their problems, and/or chastised them for getting into the situations in the first place. As Laurynn has pointed out, it's not helpful -- and I imagine it makes the recipients disinclined to consider any of the meaningful things you might have to say. I bring this up because, if you're wondering why you never seem able to meet women, you might want to consider how you're coming across to other people. By all means we should be true to ourselves, and if for you that means no sugar-coating for the hasty and rather biased assessments you make of people you know very little about, so be it. But don't be surprised if you don't find any takers. On the other hand, if you go in with a willingness to listen to what is actually being said (rather than jumping to conclusions based on stereotypes), and an interest in the person speaking, your good intentions will be what people notice and respond to -- favorably. Just some food for thought. Best, Midori