Russian roulette

[RedThorn]

Sorry for the long post, here we go.

 

I have been dating a girl for the past 6 months, which is a long time for my standards. Before meeting her I used to hang out with different girls and take things easily. It took me some time to adjust myself to my new condition...

 

Aldready at the beginning she made it clear that she wanted a serious relationship possibly leading to marriage. I told her I was not sure, but decided to stick with her and stopped seeing the others. Things went well and, even though I never fell in love - and she knows - I felt like the relationship was developing at a steady pace.

 

Of course it took me a lot of energy to get used to it, but I enjoyed it and became more and more attached to her. At some point she told me she was going to leave and work in another continent for half a year starting in 3 months. At first I didn't react, didn't know what to think.

Now we are close to her departure, and things got weird. She turned nervous and confused. We were supposed to spend summer holidays together but she wasn't sure she still wanted, so I decided it was better not to and we basically broke up.

 

My faults: never told her I would sit and wait for her while she would be away, never told her I loved her, played it cool expecially at the beginning. Never had an infatuation for her, but maybe a more mature form of love that I have never experienced before?

Her faults: didn't recognize the fact that I was putting a lot of energy into adapting to this relationship, really carefully because I have had my heart broken in the past.

Current situation: we talked on the phone 2 days ago, I told her no holiday together and "good luck". I feel bad and I sincerely miss her, still she will be leaving soon. She turned cold, I would like to give ourselves a second chance when she comes back. What do you think? Shall I just move on?

[bluechocolate]

Already at the beginning she made it clear that she wanted a serious relationship possibly leading to marriage.

 

That was your cue to give this one a miss from the get-go.

 

Why would someone tell you that from the beginning knowing they were going to be overseas for almost the same amount of time that you'd have together? Very strange, if you ask me.

[superconductor]

^^^^^ cosign with bc.

[RedThorn]

she's early 30s, obviously torn between desire to have a family and to build a career. She is extremely confused, and I am too for that matter.

Don't know if it is better to solve our confusion together or if it would just be better for me to find a partner who is at a different stage of personal development.

[Guest]

ask yourself if you are ready to give her what she needs.

[bella_girl]

Are you actually my ex-boyfriend in disguise?

 

Being on the other side of the coin so to speak I can tell you what I want.

 

Can you wait until she comes back - No. It will be to late. She's telling you what she wants now and she wants you to step up to the plate and decide that you want to be with her. For good, bad, worse, through thick thin etc learn to grow and experience life together. (by the way I know thats scary).

 

She wants both things, she wants to have her career and start her family - this usually means starting with a stable, well grounded relationship where she can feel secure about having children.

 

She wants this to happen now because she can hear that biological clock ticking, it might not be ringing but she wants to get ducks in a row so to speak so she can bring children into a loving relationship. This is regardless of where she is living but sounds like she wanted it to be with you.

 

She's been offered a great chance in a new country... you didn't tell her to stay so she didn't know if you were commited to the relationship or not. She has to realise her own dreams outside of your relationship. These big opportunities don't come along that often so she has to grab it. So she's thinking 'best I move on, and focus on what I want to do as he doesn't know what he wants and until he does I can't be around him.'

 

I agree with Guest - ask yourself if you're ready (now) to give her what she needs... if no then you have to let her go.

 

Also I can't imagine right now getting back together when I get home in 2-3 years time because he wont have been part of my life and he wont have experienced what I have, he wont have seen where I live, where I've travelled who my friends are.... I don't think I could get over the 'he didn't care enough about me to come and find out, share my life with me' thing and that would destory a future relationship. I wanted him to share my life not pop back in at the point convient for him.

 

I wanted the 'do you remember when we were in x together' not the 'when I was in x I had such a great time, you should have been there' stories.

 

I hope that make some sense (from 30 year old living in different continent who told boy that she was looking for a serious relationship at start of 2 years together and got offered a great job overseas at 1.5years in).

 

By the way I think that you should say to her that you have adapted and put lots of energy into the relationship as she might not recognise that.

 

And if she hasn't left yet you still have time to say 'I want you to stay' 'I want to come with you' 'I want to do the long-distance thing with a view to being together' but only you can know if you really want to be with her or not but she is asking for commitment now not when she comes back.

[RedThorn]

Bella_girl,

thanks for your reply. I was looking for some input from someone who has gone through it. It all makes a lot of sense now, scary as hell, but it makes sense.

I whish you all the best.

[bella_girl]

RedThorn - you're welcome. Happy that I can provide some insight from the opposite side.

 

Now if you could only go and tell my ex that I was the best thing in his life and he should get his act together and come over here I would appreciate it!!

 

It's hard man - both ways, either staying together or breaking up (I've done both now).

 

Staying together was tough we did LDR for 6-8months, I got to see him once in that time which was great, I was prepared to make it work, but he wants to be friends and wait until I come back to 'see where things are.' I can't do that - I don't have the time and don't feel it's fair to hold a candle for someone who in 2 years time might not want you anyway, it's like living a half life, you can't be serious with anyone else as your waiting around 'just in case.'

 

The breaking up is hard because I love him dearly and he's the person that I want to be with but he can't give me the security and commitment I want. So I asked him to let me go. (and it's always hard to let someone go).

 

So all I can say is you need to work out how you feel. If you honestly do love her and can see a long-term future together then you can work it out - do LDR (break it into managable chucks say 3-6month at a time), or tell her to stay or think about moving.

 

If you're not sure and don't see a future together then let her go. But only you can answer this.

 

Don't be scared though and don't throw away a great relationship because you're scared. Everyone is scared, I don't think a bolt of lighting appears to tell that this person is the one, you just have to give it a shot and as Lost says 'it's a leap of faith.' If you don't try you'll never know. (but hell I'm the eternal optimist!!).

 

let us know how you go!

[RedThorn]

I wrote her a nice email, saying that I miss her and I want to try again and I am ready to offer more committment.

 

She replied that she misses me too, but she doesn't believe in it anymore.

Am I ****ed?

 

Strange thing she says: "I am happy that you are finally ready for a relationship, but I am sad because I know it will not be with me. You deserve better".

How can it be? Is she just trying to make me feel better or admits she has problems?

[bella_girl]

Hi Red Thorn I've been away for a week so no internet access...

 

Time for the grand gesture? Not necessarily proposing but if you want this girl you're going to have to pull out a few stops. Ie fly to where she is, or do something big...

 

It sounds like she's been terribly hurt by your actions and that she has lost some trust in you. Therefore she's cutting you out before you have a chance to hurt her further (that's probably what I would do).

 

Also it sounds like for her 'actions speak louder than words' so even though you say you're ready to commit more, your previous actions (which is all she has to go on) don't match your words. So you have to take action.

 

You deserve better may be speak for 'I deserve better than someone who will mess me around' or it could be that she really does thing you can do better, this is usually a compliment to say how much the person thinks of you and thinks about you.

 

I don't think you're completely screwed but you better act fast and it better be big!

[RedThorn]

This is what is going on now.

Back from holiday we met and I finally managed to tell her I loved her. She froze! Didn't say a word, just hugged me and shed a few tears. We met again, slept at her place once. Last week went to the movies, she was cold again... but after we had a nice talk where we agreed to take a break while she would be away, but knowing that we have strong feelings for each other.

Next day she sends me a msg to thank me for the lovely talk.

 

I wanted to see her again this week to say goodbye, but now she is not finding the time. She also wrote an email saying that she still has doubts about me being right for her and doesn't think we will be together again. Then she writes again and invites me to her place tomorrow night to say goodbye.

 

2 things: she is in the pre-departure phase and freaking out (hence the confusion) or she doesn't really want me.

Shall I go tomorrow or not?

[D-Lish]

I think she's freaking out for a couple reasons.

 

Yes, she is leaving and is probably both excited and scared... it's probably stressing her out. On top of that you have finally admitted you love her. I am sure she is still trying to come to terms with that.

 

I too have been on the other side of the coin. I loved someone who had been hurt in the past and was unwilling- moreover- unable to open his heart up to me. I always had that "sense" that I wasn't enough for him- that he had unresolved feelings from his past and had built walls around himself. He just never looked me in the eyes the way a person in love should...ya know? So eventually, I began to distance myself from this man and push him away in order to protect my emotions.

 

I am sure she had been waiting for the "I Love you" for a long time and just figured it wasn't going to come. Now that it has come she is probably questioning your motives and sincerity. She had formally come to terms that you weren't going to fall in love with her....and now you are telling her you are.

 

Confusing...and even perhaps a bit frustrating for her. You're pushing and pulling... one day indifferent, then over the top the next. She doesn't know which action to trust. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, to win her back you will have to remain consistent, both with your actions and your words. If she leaves for 3 months, perhaps it is a good time to figure out if you truly love her, or just want her now that she has chosen to leave.

 

Then, when she returns, you will both be in a better place to discuss a future.

 

Hope that all makes sense.

Dee