Failed transition

[foolmetwice]

Last year I became friends with this girl and guy around the same time; they first became friends at the same time too (we were all in the same group of friends for a while). She was a big flirt and came on to everyone in the group, me included, early on. I resisted her flirting and honesty wasn't interested in her at the time. Within a month she had the guy had started seeing eachother. Her and I also started talking more and became good friends.

 

A few months into their relationship there was an incident where we were all at a party, there was lots of drinking and she ended up kissing everyone there. Her boyfriend also spent a lot of time kissing another girl there, a friend of ours whom it was no secret he also liked. At a few points in the night the first girl tried to kiss me too but I again resisted. After about the 3rd time I gave in - big mistake. That kiss sparked my feelings for her.

 

Shortly after that the girl started confiding in me about problems she and her boyfriend were having. He and I also hung out now and then with other friends and I would give him some friendly advice regarding concerns she brought up. At the end of the two months time their problems had progressed to the point where she claims he wasn't satisfying her in bed anymore. Also she was concerned that he was spending an extraordinary amount of time with that other friend of ours, the girl he was all over at the party. He would stay over that girl's place often, even tho he claimed they wern't sleeping together. He also confided in me that he had feelings for that girl and had to stop himself from pursuing them.

 

It was around that time that the first girl and I started talking about the kiss we had shared a few months back, and we revealed that we had feelings for eachother (very important: she is the one who brought this up and pressed the issue, asking me if I had feelings for her and then starting to get intimate with me - I would have let it be otherwise). We started seeing eachother intimatly fairly quickly after that. She broke up with him about two weeks into that. From the start she said what we had was going to be a casual thing, that she wasn't looking to be in a serious relationship again so soon. But she also said we would see where it went. She also made me promise not to tell her now ex boyfriend about me and her. We remained friends for the time, which meant a lot of lying to him and our other friends too. She also was unwilling to let him fully go, as was he. He was heardbroken over her, and came to me for advice a lot too. I felt awful keeping the truth and I realized I had betrayed any friendship I ever had with him (even tho he and I wern't that close of friends to begin with).

 

So, me and the girl saw eachother intimatly for about two months. We spent A LOT of time together and talking with eachother. Right away she started acting like we were together. Actions speak louder than words, and by her actions we were a couple. It wasn't just about sex (tho it was great); we were a major part of eachother's lives during that time. Since whatever we had had grown out of our friendship I figured nothing was wrong with that. Then, after two months of that she said she was really falling for me and that she didn't want to. She said she wasn't ready. She also made comments about me being almost everything she was looking for, but not knowing if she should settle for almost perfect. However, she still indicated we would continue on pretty much as we had been. (I should also mention that some during the time we were together, her former boyfriend started something with that other girl he had a thing for, but things didn't work out with them).

 

Anyhow, it was around this time that I started hearing from her less and less. First she said we shouldn't see eachother as much (every day at that point). But she had said that when we did see eachother our relationship wouldn't change. It did change. She became more and more distant and we saw less and less of eachother during the next month, and we slowly started being less and less intimate too. I should mention that during this time she was also going through a lot of stuff in her life so I attributed some of the distance to that (she said as much too). That is also the reason I wasn't pushing her or anything. The last few times we talked became once-twice a week and were purely friendly. Then I didn't hear from her for two weeks. She had some stuff going on and so did I so it wasn't all that unusual. So then, I find out through a third party that she and the infamous boyfriend are back together and better than ever.

 

Now, I felt really hurt because she and I had been such good friends and so close but I had to find this out from someone else. Also as a friend I was concerned because of all the problems they had had together. But it makes sense that she didn't tell me, after all she didn't tell him about me before. It still really bothers me though, because I ended up developing feelings for her and in the end I felt kind of used. I haven't seen or heard from either of them and I don't expect to. I don't plan to contact them either, even though part of me wants to just to resolve it in my mind. This really shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I have been having nightmares about this whole thing. I have lost sleep. I feel bad for lying and for being used. I miss her even though I shouldn't. I am concerned about both of them still on a friendly level because I know what they went through before.

 

I regret that my friendships with both him and her were ruined because of this. Looking back I also see there were so many signs from the start that indicated this wasn't a good idea, but I ignored them. I am not the type to ever have a casual sort of relationship so I should have known I couldn't do it this time. I got attached, just like she said she was getting, except I wasn't able to detach myself like she was. In a way I almost wish there was some kind of confrontation or at least discussion, because as it stands now they probably don't even realize that I know they are together. Or maybe they do and they don't care or they don't think it matters. Knowing her she could come to me a few weeks or a month from now and act like we are still good friends. I can't get over things like that though. Or, she may never talk to me again, in which case it feels even more like any friendship we ever had was just a sham and didn't mean anything to her, let alone anything else. In any case, I feel like crap. Sorry for the rant, but maybe someone will find this useful.