Friends, then lovers, then friends?

[Nur]

I knew a guy in high school for three years. We were pretty good friends; talked every day, and I really felt like I could be myself around him. Very slowly he started flirting with me: putting a hand on my back as we walked, inviting me to see movies (I always brought a friend), inviting me to prom (as friends, but I started to sense he felt something more), then finally we went to Florida during summer and he was putting the flirt on big time, since I had graduated and was off to college, and he was about to go into his senior year, and this was his last chance.

 

Finally I just asked him how he felt. He confessed that he had deep feelings for me, and that he wanted us to be a couple. I decided, "Hey, why not," and we agreed to date a for the eight weeks or so before school started.

 

My feelings ended up deepening as well when I saw what a sweet, loving, and open person he was. Plus, the two of us had some pretty great chemistry. When school came, we broke up like we'd agreed to, but decided to get back together because we thought we should try to keep it going, even though we'd only see one another on weekends.

 

We ended up going out the entire schoolyear. Neither of us had had a serious relationship before, so we both had to work out a balance. He was a good deal less mature than I was (things like calling and not being late never really occured to him until I explained them), and since he was still in high school his parents treated him as such. I always assumed that when he graduated they'd loosen up and let him be his own person.

 

This past summer was wonderful. We had a lot of fun, and saw a lot of each other. I was just beginning to think that we finally had our problems worked out and could be together for a long time when he announced, "My feelings have changed; the relationship should end." Now, he'd never been a great communicator -- he doesn't like conflict, so a lot of the time he just never mentions it. But lately, instead of loosening up, his parents had actually been clamping down, feeling resentful that he was spending time on his own life rather than with them. He still had every one of his family responsibilities: cooking dinners, cleaning the house, driving his mom around, doing the bills, etc. without any rights of an adult. To compensate for the time he had to spend doing family things (whereas most 19-year-olds are away from their families) he took away his own personal time. This put him under tremendous pressure, and he ended up reacting as he did -- that the relationship should end.

 

I felt like the words were tearing him up inside to say, and that he didn't truly mean them, and sure enough, that same day (same hour), he insisted that he loved me as much as ever and that the last thing he wants to do is break up. He even sort of started begging me: I'm your (pet name)! Don't you want your (pet name)?

 

We decided to take a break (we'd done this a good four times already this year). But this time, I realized it probably wasn't a good idea to get back together. For one thing, I continue to grow more mature (this is now my second year of college) while he stagnates in highschool mode. For another, his inability to communicate is only going to resurface in tension again and again. For another, he simply doesn't have time with his family clamping down as they are.

 

He is a wonderful person, and he thinks the same about me. I think we could have had a great relationship, if he had been more MATURE, and lived AWAY from his family. Next year I will be away from college doing co-op and studying abroad, and he plans to go here. When I return, he will have been on his third total year of college (second away from home) and I will be getting back from my own plans. I figured if he actually does manage to get away and go off, and we both still wanted to, we could try things again under those situations.

 

But what to do in the meantime? He wants to be friends, but I know that if I see or talk to him directly right now it would be too painful. The only way to keep my resolve firm is to have no contact with him besides a few emails back and forth until I feel like I can handle it.

 

What I am thinking is that a few months from now we can try it. After all, if we might get back together some day, I don't think we should lose touch entirely. I also think that I will be able to date other people and move on while still seeing him once in a while when I go home (probably about once or twice a month). We would agree not to mention other dates or relationships while we were together -- simply friendly. Is this a feasible plan? How do I know when I am ready to see him again without a rush of emotions coming up? Might this work out, or are we setting one or the other of us up for heartbreak?

 

I've never really had a situation like this before...

[princessa]

I have a similar situation with my boyfriend.. none of that highschool stuff though. Just that his situation is difficult and apparently he has other priorities at the moment that he has to take care of before he has control of his own life. He loves me stong and so do I. Like you, I decided to break it off because his situation was only causing me stress and he had no time for me, and that stress was starting to have a serious negative effect on my life.

 

When I broke if off I went through certain stages:

First I was rational, and completely confident in my decision of breaking things off with him. I was also planning to cut contact completely for a good few months, or whenever he was ready to make radical changes to his lifestyle.

 

So I began the no-contact thing. I ignored all his phone calls, etc. Then I grew angry at him for messing things up. I was very resentful and almost hated him for a period of time. Everytime I tried to talk to him I would just get flooded with emotions and anger and I didn't know what to do about it.

 

I realized that the logical thing for me to do would be to be his friend, because we're best friends and I do want to be close to him, but I just couldn't handle it with all the emotions and everything. Finally I realized that before I could be his friend I had to make peace with what happened. I realized that although I blamed him for a lot of things, blaming the other person or the situation wasn't going to bring me the internal peace that I was seeking. What brought me peace is reflecting on what I did wrong in the relationship, and asking myself what I can be better as a person to be able keep that friendship that I wanted to maintain (more understanding of him, more patient, not stress the small stuff, etc).

 

I don't know if this helps you and I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing myself, but this is my experience. Right now we're friends and it's almost like being in a relationship again, but cutting off emotions, putting the long-term expectaitons on hold, and taking it one day at a time.

 

I think as long as both of you want to be friends then by all means you should remain close. Where it could get messy is if either of you start another relationship. Then the other person will probably have to cut the other off for the sake of moving on with his life.

[Nur]

Your post was helpful. I simply don't have the experience to know how to deal with this situation. I haven't determined if we should both move on or not.

 

I know it'll be a while before I am ready for another serious relationship. I think it would do us both good to be single for a while, and get the whole college experience without the ties. In fact, it would be impractical for either of us to do more than casually date other people right now. He's switching schools in a year, and he'll be at my college only a year before I'm back. I am leaving for a year at the end of this one, spending some time in co-op (but not enough to get to know anyone well enough for relationships) and then in New Zealand, where it would be plain out dumb to start anything cross-the-world serious.

 

I know that I would be hurt if he were to start another relationship. I think that it would also take a year or two for either of us to be ready. For me, I need some singles time, there is no one I'm really interested in right now, and I know my emotions are still too tightly strung to be fair to any new boyfriend. For him, all of the issues that hurt our relationship are not going to be resolved for a long time, and any relationship he starts in the meantime is doomed to the same death. Things like maturity and learning to communicate take quite a while.

 

I know what you mean by stages, though. At first I was so mad at him that I felt absolutely nothing. Then I started missing him, but still I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that being apart for now is right, but I don't know how to handle our future friendship, or how I am going to feel. I do know that it's not going to get serious between us again for a long time. If he wants me back, he'll have to show me that he's ready.

[princessa]

Well since the two of you are going to be apart and you wouldn't be able to have a relationship anyways, then it's pretty safe to stay in touch. Focus on the good friendship you have, and keep your other options open. Just focus on your life and school.

 

And what do you mean by move on? Having a relationship is not an option for you anyway since you will be living on different continents and considering how you're already not sure whether he's right for you or not in terms of maturity. I think the best way is to let things be, and be neutral. Don't kick him out of your life but at the same time don't stay emotionally attached to the relationship.. Just put it on a shelf marked "?". Focus on other things other than relationships.

 

For my part, regarding starting new relationships and how I'd feel.. Well, I'd definitely cut him out of my life if he decides to have another relationship (and he told me he wouldn't because he's in a mess). As for me and dating, I have a "friends-first" policy, so as long as I'm exposed to new guys as friends I don't feel that I am sabotaging my own life by tying myself down to this potential relatioship that might not work.

[Nur]

Yeah, that's what I am thinking. You're helping to clear this muddled situation out a bit.

 

I have a friends-first policy as well. If someone just shows up out of the blue and starts hitting on me, it's very unlikely I would take them seriously. But if I had this great friend, that I already felt really close to, and felt a spark of something more, then I'd consider it. Such things take time, and a lot of it.

 

The thing is, I don't want to make any promises about not entering any new relationships. Two years is a long time, and who knows what might happen? I also don't want to make my ex feel like a security net, or hold him back to any promises from moving on himself. If I still contacted him, and the feelings were still there (just a bit!) then I think it would really hurt him to move into a new relationship, in which case he'd only feel resentment toward me and it just seems like a setup for even more pain.

 

Right now I'm sticking to the occasional email. Maybe in a few months I will let him know sometime when I am heading back home and we can do something, very casually.

 

Part of me wants to keep him on the field, so we can get back together when the time is right, and another part of me just wants to be detached from the situation entirely, move on, and see if he shows up or not.

 

I guess the best thing to do might be to talk to him and see him casually when most of the pain is gone (keep contact) and see where our feelings go from there. If, in two years from now, we still find ourselves with feelings for each other, then it'd be a pretty strong indicator that we were meant to be together. If we talk, and sort of drift apart and lose interest, then it'll be a softer end than NC and we'll move on without pain.

 

The only bad situation would be for one person to move on and the other to stay with feelings. That's what makes me really uneasy.