Question for the men - do you think things through when breaking up?

[LaraV]

Here's another question for the men out there:

 

When you decide to break up with someone, how much and for how long do you think the decision through?

 

I've heard a lot of people say that women think things through a lot, and that men don't fully take into consideration the possible consequences of their actions - people almost make it sound as if men just break up with women on a whim. Do you, guys, think that's an accurate assessment of men initiating break-ups, or in your opinion, are break-ups initiated by men well-thought out?

[lebowski24]

My ex-girlfriend told me she loved me more than anything, and then 4 weeks later dumped me on a "whim" (she told me that she didn't come over with the intention of breaking up with me). 3 months later, she has refused to talk to me, and I'm starting to feel like our entire relationship was a waste of my time because of it. So stop acting like women are all high and mighty, because it's all the same, and depends on the person, not his/her sex.

[LaraV]

Lebowski - I did not mean to offend you or your situation. You are right, no situaiton is the same, and many actions have no relevance to gender. In my own experience, however, I have seen a general pattern of behavior from men that is a little bit different from women when it comes to matters of the heart, including break-ups. I am not, of course, attempting to make an unfair generalization - I am simply asking those of my opposite gender their opinion, in the hopes that they can ellucidate me with their own unique, male perspective. I by no means feel superior to anyone, male or female, and am truly sorry your ex treated you that way. It is callous and disrespectful, and I imagine very painful too.

[superconductor]

It's a bit dependent on the situation. If the relationship has deteriorated to such an extent that every waking moment with her is difficult, then not a lot of forethought may go into it. Sometimes just the act of stopping the banging of a head upon a wall is all the relief that one needs.

 

But in other circumstances, when the other person is OK but you just don't feel that the relationship is going any further, then that demands a little more thought and more than a little bit of second-guessing.

[Shattered Heart]

LaraV - I just want to say that I think you handled yourself quite well in your defense against lebowski24. Just by your innocent composure, I see you are a woman of heart. A genuine, caring, unselfish person. I am a great judge of character, and I'd like to believe I can also "read" people by the things they write. Not that this has anything to do with the topic of your post, but for some reason I couldn't resist letting you know how I feel. Well, since I now feel obligated to contribute to your post, I'll do my best to give you my take, even though I'm a guy who's never broken up with a girl. However, a girl has broken up with me, hence the reason I'm here in the first place This is a tough one because I've never experienced this situation (nor would I ever want to), but I tend to agree with the other poster that it is an individual thing, rather than a gender thing. It would be unfair to separate all the men and women into two distinct classes. Granted, men and women are wired differently, as men tend to be thinkers, and women tend to be feelers, but this is still a major oversimplification. There are many men out there (including myself) who are in touch with their emotional side, as well as many women who are rational thinkers. So, back to your question, I would suspect that, for the most part, men will "think" or analyze the present situation and will try to rationalize whatever decision they make. Whereas women, for the most part, will allow their emotional side to render the decision for them. Either way, it's got to be hard on both men AND women during the process which leads to them arriving at that final heart-wrenching decision.

[LaraV]

Thanks for your opinion, Shattered Heart. It is very much appreciated.

[thekhris]

Do you, guys, think that's an accurate assessment of men initiating break-ups, or in your opinion, are break-ups initiated by men well-thought out?

yep its accurate..one of the difference between guys and girls is that girls has hyper sensitivity.. while girls have integrity with their feelings(bcoz of their hyper sensitivity)

the guys have integrity with their word..

 

their decisions are very well-thought off but oftenly it only take a day of big brain storming..

[LaraV]

yep its accurate..one of the difference between guys and girls is that girls has hyper sensitivity.. while girls have integrity with their feelings(bcoz of their hyper sensitivity)

the guys have integrity with their word..

 

their decisions are very well-thought off but oftenly it only take a day of big brain storming..

 

Interesting. But what do you mean by "guys have integrity with their word" - I don't get that.

[lebowski24]

LaraV - I just want to say that I think you handled yourself quite well in your defense against lebowski24.

 

Just to clarify with a more calm (haha, sorry) and dignified response, it is my feeling that there is no black and white in this one. Some men think things through, some don't. Some situations warrant it, some don't. The same goes for women. My earlier comment was just to show that you can't make a hasty generalization about men based on the scenarios you have heard of where they supposedly broke things off on a whim.

[thekhris]

By Popular Demand:

Understanding Women & "The Rules" For Men, or]Think of it Like Driving in England

 

1. Women process (and act on) information completely differently than men. Never forget this. Stop thinking of women as screwed-up men and start realizing that their minds were built from an entirely different blueprint. Just as a hawk can discern details at distances that a man needs a ten-power scope to see, a woman is many times more capable than a man at reading the emotions of other women.

 

(Women may be equally capable at reading men's emotions, but have never seen a need to.) Walk into a large party with a woman. You, the man, will see a bunch of people in a room, talking in groups of two to five. You'll see where the food and bar is, and notice any exceptionally attractive women in the room.

 

That's it. Your companion, however, will be able to tell you which woman is angry, which one is lonely, which is happy, which is upset, which ones feel self-conscious, which ones are jealous, and (probably) which ones are having affairs and with which men. Your female companion will be able to accurately tell you these things within ten seconds of entering the room. This ability comes at a price: Women are many times more sensitive than men to emotional pain. Imagine a man whose skin was so sensitive that ordinary contact was painful.

 

Whenever someone shook his hand in greeting or clapped him on the shoulder in congratulations, it would feel to him as if boiling water were being thrown on his flesh. Now turn that disparity in physical sensitivity into emotional sensitivity and you'll get a good picture of a fundamental difference between men and women.]Men seldom if ever need to know what a group of other women is thinking, so they usually experience a woman's heightened sensitivity from the negative perspective. They hurt their wives' feelings without realizing it (just like the handshake in the above hypothetical) and then are baffled when their women are upset with them, often for days or weeks at a time, for seemingly no reason]

 

2. Men and women have very different definitions of integrity. Men have integrity to their word, but because of the heightened sensitivity as explained above, women have integrity to their feelings. [Women base their actions on how they feel at the time. This means that if something no longer "feels" right, they won't do it, period. It infuriates most men when a woman "flakes" on them.

 

("Flaking" is the term that men who study this sort of thing use to describe when a woman who has eagerly made plans with them doesn't show up, or calls at the last minute to cancel because her girlfriend needs consoling etc. Roughly speaking, a woman's tendency to flake is proportional to her options and inversely proportional to her age, although I did meet one 38-year-old single mother of two with this habit.) Understand that the need to be true to one's feelings is an extremely powerful force with women. Look at the dominant theme in all romance novels: The woman is "swept away" by emotions too powerful to be denied, and has an affair when everyone knows she shouldn't. Another example is the adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Even the former First Lady (according to the Secret Service) regularly threw things (lamps, etc.) at her husband when angry. Can you imagine a man doing this, instead of saying "Next"? The idea is ludicrous.If you're a man, you probably do what you've agreed to do (help someone move, etc.) because you said you would. However, you wouldn't go through with your plans to help your acquaintance move if it had suddenly become a felony with a mandatory 10-year prison sentence to do so, would you? Of course not. Ten years in prison trumps a promise to move furniture. Well, that is the kind of aversion that women have to doing things that no longer "feel" right. Later I'll explain how to make this "integrity to feelings" work to your benefit

[LaraV]

I like where this is going, thekhris...it makes for good philosophizing. Though it's also a way to oversimplify both men and women (I mention this in deference to those of you averse to making generalizations), but it's interesting for argument's sake.

 

It's funny, from this perspective my ex comes off being more like a woman. He is such a flake. I can think of many times when he didn't keep (or have "integrity") to his word. Not to say he was driven by feelings, but more by his own interests. Nothing wrong with that, except that, well, I guess I was always a low interest/priority.

[Poboy]

if a man is serious in the relationship , he will think a lot n anlalyse everything possible ... the catch is ... serious

 

for anything less serious , it is dependent on the person ... man or woman .

 

One thing more , if there is a act of betrayal , cheating etc ... impulsive decision in the heat of the moment happens a lot

[scrybe74]

Here's another question for the men out there:

 

When you decide to break up with someone, how much and for how long do you think the decision through?

 

I've heard a lot of people say that women think things through a lot, and that men don't fully take into consideration the possible consequences of their actions - people almost make it sound as if men just break up with women on a whim. Do you, guys, think that's an accurate assessment of men initiating break-ups, or in your opinion, are break-ups initiated by men well-thought out?

 

Well it depends. I don't think it's primarily a male thing to dump on a whim. But I think what happens is that men generally have 2 types of relationships. One that they are seriously considering turning into marriage and the rest. The rest being short term, fun, not serious, flings, booty calls, rebounds, etc. Women sometimes find themselves in this category with a man and think it's the first relationship or somewhere in the middle. It's much easier to move on from these because there is no realy emotional investment. It may appear that the man has not thought things through but in essence he has....for himself. He doesn't consider her point of view because he either doesn't care of figures that she understands.

 

Sometimes men think that a woman fits in the second category but after he dumps her he realizes that she was in the first OR that he maybe terminated the relationship too early and so shows regret.

 

I've recently broken up with a someone that I love and have been with for 2 1/2 years....yeah...I thought it through long and hard. It was a painful decision to make (we have a child together) but it was one that I felt was the best choice for myself and ultimately for all involved (including my babygirl)

[thekhris]

Well it depends. I don't think it's primarily a male thing to dump on a whim. But I think what happens is that men generally have 2 types of relationships. One that they are seriously considering turning into marriage and the rest. The rest being short term, fun, not serious, flings, booty calls, rebounds, etc.

exactly...A lot percentage of men who dump a girl that decision was been made from your first date...wether youve been 6months or a year the thing that he dump you was been planed from the very beguining of rekationship..

[LaraV]

exactly...A lot percentage of men who dump a girl that decision was been made from your first date...wether youve been 6months or a year the thing that he dump you was been planed from the very beguining of rekationship..

 

Wow. That is a very sobering (and painful) insight. This is exactly the kind of answer I was looking for. Thanks so much for your perspective.

[LaraV]

Well it depends. I don't think it's primarily a male thing to dump on a whim. But I think what happens is that men generally have 2 types of relationships. One that they are seriously considering turning into marriage and the rest. The rest being short term, fun, not serious, flings, booty calls, rebounds, etc. Women sometimes find themselves in this category with a man and think it's the first relationship or somewhere in the middle. It's much easier to move on from these because there is no realy emotional investment. It may appear that the man has not thought things through but in essence he has....for himself. He doesn't consider her point of view because he either doesn't care of figures that she understands.

 

Sometimes men think that a woman fits in the second category but after he dumps her he realizes that she was in the first OR that he maybe terminated the relationship too early and so shows regret.

 

I've recently broken up with a someone that I love and have been with for 2 1/2 years....yeah...I thought it through long and hard. It was a painful decision to make (we have a child together) but it was one that I felt was the best choice for myself and ultimately for all involved (including my babygirl)

 

Thanks Scrybe, this answer was very helpful.

[scrybe74]

exactly...A lot percentage of men who dump a girl that decision was been made from your first date...wether youve been 6months or a year the thing that he dump you was been planed from the very beguining of rekationship..

 

Correctomundo!

[scrybe74]

Thanks Scrybe, this answer was very helpful.

 

Glad to be of help....I've been doing this 'guy' thing for 32 years so feel free to ask whenever you want!

[Shattered Heart]

exactly...A lot percentage of men who dump a girl that decision was been made from your first date...wether youve been 6months or a year the thing that he dump you was been planed from the very beguining of rekationship..

 

Are you kidding me??? The first date? This doesn't make any sense. You cannot determine the fate of a relationship based on the first date alone. Granted, the first date allows both parties involved to get a "feel" for the other person, but there must be some characteristic (besides sex alone) that draws or attracts each person to the other. And whatever the characteristic(s), it/they could be enough for the person to "think" that the other person might possibly be a "potential" candidate for a life partner. However, only time or the progression of the relationship can really determine its success or demise. Plus, if there is "nothing there" during the first date, why bother continue to stretch out a relationship that you feel is doomed from the start? So the whole idea that the final outcome of the relationship is "planned" from the very beginning is pure BS. You cannot plan your feelings or, better yet, love!

[newbby]

this thread is very interesting. i have always believed a guy decides pretty quickly whether this will be a serious relationship or a fun one, and the answers here confirm it. i also think that the men think it would be obvious to the women they are involved with, because of the way they treat them. they probably dont imagine how much a woman actually complicates things in her mind, and complicates his own behaviour as a result. having said this, i have had relationships with ALOT of men, who no matter how much i said i was not interested in a serious relationship, have got involved heavily anyway.

[Shattered Heart]

i have had relationships with ALOT of men, who no matter how much i said i was not interested in a serious relationship, have got involved heavily anyway.

 

Case in point. No matter how much you "try" or "want" things to go a certain way, some things cannot be controlled.

[thekhris]

Are you kidding me??? The first date? This doesn't make any sense. You cannot determine the fate of a relationship based on the first date alone. Granted, the first date allows both parties involved to get a "feel" for the other person, but there must be some characteristic (besides sex alone) that draws or attracts each person to the other. And whatever the characteristic(s), it/they could be enough for the person to "think" that the other person might possibly be a "potential" candidate for a life partner. However, only time or the progression of the relationship can really determine its success or demise. Plus, if there is "nothing there" during the first date, why bother continue to stretch out a relationship that you feel is doomed from the start? So the whole idea that the final outcome of the relationship is "planned" from the very beginning is pure BS. You cannot plan your feelings or, better yet, love!

well that was my 50 cents for you take it or leave it..that was a honest post from a male..Im not saying all males are like that but a big percentage of guys who dump a certain girl is definitely like that...On the first date they all ready desided if your a good wife material or f%ck buddy only...If your gonna re read my previous post about male's Integrity of word on page 1 youll understand me clearly.I know its hard to swallow this but accepting this reality can actualy save your ass in the future..and improve your self more...

[amerikajin]

Here's another question for the men out there:

 

When you decide to break up with someone, how much and for how long do you think the decision through?

 

I've heard a lot of people say that women think things through a lot, and that men don't fully take into consideration the possible consequences of their actions - people almost make it sound as if men just break up with women on a whim. Do you, guys, think that's an accurate assessment of men initiating break-ups, or in your opinion, are break-ups initiated by men well-thought out?

 

That's not exactly true.

 

It is indeed true that men will do stupid things in the heat of the moment that will end up getting them in a world of shyte, and it's possible that the woman may end up breaking up with them shortly thereafter.

 

But typically, I'd say a guy usually thinks a break-up through as much as a woman does. It's usually the woman who breaks up with the man anyway, right?. I think I read that in a rulebook somewhere.

[SarahRose]

exactly...A lot percentage of men who dump a girl that decision was been made from your first date...wether youve been 6months or a year the thing that he dump you was been planed from the very beguining of rekationship..

 

 

Really? If he knows that from day one isn't he being dishonest? Why would he waste a year or two or longer of some woman's life knowing very well that she is looking for a serious relationship and he isn't.

 

So how can a woman tell from day one he is not going to be serious?

[LaraV]

Really? If he knows that from day one isn't he being dishonest? Why would he waste a year or two or longer of some woman's life knowing very well that she is looking for a serious relationship and he isn't.

 

So how can a woman tell from day one he is not going to be serious?

 

Ohhh, these are good questions!!!???? Men?