Mistakes that Lead to Loss Of Friendship

[BrokenArrow]

Okay, I am going to apologize first and foremost for how long this may take to explain.

 

My husband and I moved to a new place about a year ago because I had started a new job. We didn't know a soul who lived in this new place and were anxious at meeting new people. Commonly enough, the first place you tend to develop new friendships is through work. So, this guy that I work with, approached me and was very friendly (he was dating his now Fiancee at the time), and extended an invitation out to my husband and I to come over to his house for supper one night with him and his GF, once we got settled in. Him and I continued talking at work and getting to know each other, went out as couples, etc. The closer we got, the more he began to tell me that he was extremely attracted to me. And, at first it scared me because I am married, but I liked the attention, I liked it a lot. And, I told him that although it was flattering, nothing could happen between us, but if for some reason it ever did we would just cross that bridge when we came to it. Bad choice number 1. We continued being friends. We are a lot alike, like a lot of the same things, and have a lot of the same common friends. We got really close in our friendship. Probably mistake number 2. But, there would be times where he would pull away, in the sense that he stopped wanting to hang out as couples. And, he didn't like me being friends with his now Finacee, not that he ever said, but you could just tell that it was a little uncomfortable for him.

 

Anyway, I did feel a strong connection to him, and him to me. We both agreed that we felt lust for each other. And, I do admit I did lust him, but I liked him as a friend way more. But, eventually we slept together, only 4 times in total, over a course of 5 months, starting 5 months ago. The chemistry was very strong. We both had mixed feelings about our feelings for each other, as what we were feeling, and doing we both knew was morally wrong, but our friendship still stayed in tact. Then, I leave for holidays for two weeks, and before I leave, I tell him that I value his friendship more than I value the morally wrong sex that we were having, and that it would probably be wise if we didn't hang around each other alone for awhile. When I get back, all he does is, butter me up, tell me he missed me, that I am beautiful, that he doesn't ever picture his Fiancee, but that he pictures me..and honestly this is two weeks straight of this everyday all day long. And for the second week, he tells me that his fiancee is going to be out of town for 10 days, and he wants to spend a lot of that time with me. But, he knows that I can't always get away, but he is crossing his fingers and hoping that I will be able to as much as possible. Well, like a dummy, I go over there with pictures from my holidays, and share these with him and we are talking and joking around, and he is making every indication to me that he values me as a person. Then, he kisses me, and wants to sleep with me, and I keep telling him no, that I have to go, I don't have time, I have to go, not today, but he jokingly called me a tease, and said it was his turn to tease me, and well I just gave in because I am stupid. Then after I quickly got dressed and told him that I had to go. He told me that I had such bad timing because he could go 5 more times that's how bad he wanted me. I just told him that I had to go.

 

Next day: this was his e-mail:

Ok, please don't get mad, and I hope this comes out the way I want it too, I would have called you but I wasn't sure if your husband was home or not.

 

So this is the thing, I felt like a piece of **** because 1) ________ is going to be my wife, and I owe her more than what I have been giving. 2) I felt like I was a piece of **** because in my mind I have been using you. You may not feel that way but that's how I feel at this moment. So don't take this the wrong way, I like hanging out with you and we get along good, I just feel like we bring out the worst in each other, doing things and being people that we both know we are better than, when I'm around you I do things that I know are against my morals, and it's not you pushing me to do it, it's all me, I just don't know why I do these things with you when I wouldn't do them otherwise. The reason I say I feel like I was using you was I mean we both know emotionally and in our life plan _______ is the person I am going to be with and ______ is the same for you, so what was between us was strictly a lustful relationship, and even though you were using me in the same way, I feel like a dick for being on the same end on the other side. I guess I had a long time to lay in bed and vision what my life would be like without ______ in my life, and I felt like a child knowing I was risking it all. I like you _______ I really like you, I feel like a different person around you though, I want to do the write thing, and I want you to know why I am doing it. It's not for a lack of friendship for, or with you, but for the fact of the things I do when I am around you. No worries I would never say anything to _____, and I think that goes without saying, but I don't want you to think I am going to pull a big come clean thing. I think I just need to at this point in my life be a man, and devote myself to my future wife. I'm sure this all came across wrong, and you are pissed off at me, I know this may seem spaztastic, and like I have pulled this before, but I was seriously ill last night thinking about things, and I need to make a change to be a better person. So tell me how you see this and if you think I'm a total dick head.

 

So, my response was:

 

Wow! I totally didn't see that one coming. But, I guess I should have known better, based on past experiences with you. I guess I just thought that, based on what you have said to me in the past, that this was something that you could deal with, but obviously not. You have let waaay too much emotion get involved here. I tried telling you that this would happen. I tried. I don't know what else to say. But, I do understand what you are getting at, so no worries, it's done.

 

 

His response:

 

I know _______, I guess I'm just not in a place to separate that emotion. I thought I could, and I even told you I could, and it's obvious I can't, and that yes I am a spaz. LOL. That's why I felt like a dick head with respect to you and I, I led you to think something that really wasn't true. Thanks for understanding _______ I appreciate it, I was scared to say anything, I feel ****ty as it is, and I'm glad you were mature enough to see that and not dig into me as well. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#0000ff]So thanks mate that makes me feel better. and you don't bring out the worst in me , just the worst parts of certain things, and I think for the moment I will have trouble being a real friend but maybe in time that can change. Thanks for seeing it through my eyes.

 

Okay, so I get this, I have felt this way before except that I could handle being friends with him, because I was able to separate that emotion. I know what I did was wrong because I am married, he is getting married, and I would never leave my husband, but I don't want to lose my friend either. But, I had accepted the fact that I had lost him, or at least I thought that I had, until Monday came. And he acted like we never even had this conversation at first, and I was friendly, but I pulled away, because I didn't expect him to talk to me and be emailing me, and it confused me. We were going golfing that night (work function), and the teams were randomly drawn, and of course, we had been drawn to play on the same team. He was excited about it. I was scared, confused and uncomfortable. So, I asked another buddy of mine from work to switch with him, and he did. Well, this just devasted him, he figured it out and was quite hurt by it, but I denied it to spare his feelings, and he believed me. But, he kept talking to me and e-mailing me, on Tuesday as well. Now today is Wednesday, completely different person. He was grouchy said it had something to do with work. I asked him if he wanted to meet for lunch to talk about it. He said it wasn't worth talking about, and that lunch with me, for him would be a very bad idea. So, I basically lost my rational ground a bit here because, I felt that if he didn't want to be friends than he shouldn't be talking to me at all, not trying to and then pulling this crap. So, I called him on his so called morals because there was another girl that he had slept with while engaged to his fiancee before me, which I found out about later, that he is still friends with and has no trouble hanging out with. And, I just felt a little betrayed in the sense that if he were really wanting to respect his future wife, shouldn't he elminate this other girl too, instead of inflicting this person into his future wife's life and forcing his future wife to be friends with her??? That was what was so hard to take. I don't care about the sex. Who cares. That's not what I care about, it's the friendship. And, he is confusing me. It would all make sense to me if this is because he actually does have feelings for me that are more than lust, and he knows that we can't ever be together. But, he is not saying that, and it is making me feel like he never did value our friendship, and he doesn't care about me at all. And, that he feels ashamed and just wants me out of his life. That is my take on it, because I don't know 100% what to make out of his e-mails, and that is hard for me to deal with. Please help me out with your thoughts on what the heck is going on in his head. And, I know that we are both with other people, that is not what this is about for me. I already know that that was my mistake, and I will deal with that too, but I just want my friend back.

[whichwayisup]

You can't be friends with him anymore. He is a threat to your marriage and it's obvious that both of you have a huge attraction (and both know it's wrong) and have to stay away otherwise it flames up again and you two will be in the sack.

 

Question is, where does your husband fit into all this? You seem more concerned about keeping this man in your life, as a friend - Which infact is dangerous because to stop having sex with him and keep him around will turn into an emotional affair. Your husband is SO much more important than this guy.

 

You need to focus on your husband, find out what needs are not being met. Talk to your hubby and explain to him that you're not happy.

 

You say the attention this other man gives you, makes you feel good... Sure, it's nice to be desired and have someone's attention...But, you're letting yourself become addicted to the feelings he gives you...And seeing as you have a husband, that's not good for the marriage.

 

I hope you end the friendship with this guy because it's wrong now to keep it going if the physical part of your affair is over. it's just going to cause more problems in your life and in his. And, to be honest, it's selfish. There are two innocent people who are being made fools of who don't deserve it.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and I do wish you the best outcome.

[bu2002]

Agree with the above poster.

 

Where exactly does your husband fit into all of this? More importantly, what about your marriage

 

You do seem more pre-occupied with this guy and your friendship than your marriage and the fact you cheated on your husband.

 

Your priorities are all screwed up in this.

[Guest]

I think you must totally ignore this guy from this moment on. While he may be a great friend, right now this friendship is not healthy for you. The truth is that he has protected himself by telling you where he thinks the relationship stands. Albeit unintentioanlly. But that pretty much gives him the liberty to be any kind of friend he wants and that precisely why he seemed happy when you were on the same team while it made you uncomfortable. By him choosing to be the one to end it first you seem to have a classic case of wanting what you can't have... which is you u even confronted him about the fact that he is friends with that other girl and is keeping you out.

 

the reality is that you don't need him. While you haven't mentioned much about the kind of relationship you have with your husband; you obviously are happy with him. Cut this other guy off and focus on your marriage. I know it's easier said than done... but it must be done.

 

Since you guys work together it is not really possible but from now on just be a normal friend. Do not try to reach out to him (because you don't have to). Keep conversations short and don't hang out. If he ask you to join him for lunch be upfront and say you think it not right.

 

Above all, ask yourself. Is my marriage more important and something that I must try to never lose or does 'friendship' with this guy take more priority.

[BrokenArrow]

But, this is all so stupid!!! It is so easy for me to just say yah okay, whatever, forget what we did, let's just go back to being friends. I made a mistake in being with him physically, I really really did, I know that, and I know that I can't change what happened. And, I feel like such a loser. But, he is also partly to blame for all of this as well. And, it just seems like he hates me now. It was fine and then just boom out of the blue, everything changed and it totally caught me off guard, by him saying he couldn't be friends anymore. He does completely ignore me at work, completely, he can't even smile at me, it just sucks, because I am the type of person who can still smile and be sincere about it. I am an adult and I don't need to act childish and play the ignoring game. I just don't get it and it hurts that I lost my friend over all of this.

 

He did admit that his decision was partly because he was feeling more for me than that of a friend, but mostly because he needed to give his fiancee his complete attention, and not me. But then, the other day he tries sleeping with me again, and I said no. And, he's like, "I'm a big boy, I can make my own decisions, and I want you right now." And, I said, "There's absolutely no way that I can be with you, and your deciding that I am a choice right now, but not tomorrow (to be friends with), is rude and disrespectful, not to mention wrong. You feed me all this crap about how you need to change, and that's why we can't be friends, but then you try to sleep with me???" I was quite upset. I told him that he was placing a higher value on having sex with me than he was on our friendship. And, that if in the future he wanted to be friends with me, he had to make an effort to include my husband and get to know him. His response was that he couldn't give me what I wanted right now, but maybe in time. What is his deal???? Why do I find it so easy to just say okay let's just forget all the crap between us, be friends and leave it as that??? Why is he ignoring me completely now? Why does he find it so easy to just ignore me and forget about me? He told me not to take this personally, and that it's not because he doesn't like me, but just the opposite. But, I can't help but take it personally. I feel like he is just lying to save face. I think that he has lost respect for me and just doesn't like me anymore period and wants me out of his life, because all he saw me as was a piece of meat anyway. Am I wrong in thinking that?? Oh, and my husband knows, he forgives me, and is fine with us being friends, my relationship with my husband is another story really and I don't need a lecture on what I did wrong there, I already know that. I am just trying to salvage a friendship that should have never gone down the path it went down in the first place, and I have to work with his guy, and it is a very small place, and I don't want to have to feel sad and uncomfortable anymore.

[RecordProducer]

I can't believe I actually read the whole original post.

 

If the guy doesn't want to be your friend, leave him alone. Don't chase after him like a puppy! Next thing he will tell you to F off. He told you that lunch with you would be a very bad idea. Which part of it didn't you understand?

 

Why do you care if he is still friends with the other girl he slept with? Do you intend to persuade him that you should be friends? Are you going to claim rights based on the precedent? Save your dignity and don't humiliate yourself.

 

And him wanting to have sex with you again just shows who he really is. He feels guilty but has to get his fix occasionally. He will never stop cheating on his fiancee. Poor girl

[Guest]

To the OP:

 

Do you really see him only as a friend? Because I can't imagine a girl wanting a guy's friendship so badly when they see him "only as a friend". May be if they both knew each other for a very very long time. But this is just my opinion, ladies correct me if I am wrong. Would you chase a guy wanting his friendship so badly???

 

Please be honest and tell us what exactly you feel for this guy - Only friendship? or More than friendship?

[BrokenArrow]

No, I just feel friendship for him. That is why I am beating myself up so badly for making the mistake of sleeping with him...we were friends long before that happened. We have been friends for a year in total. I guess the biggest part of this is that I am a fixer, I need to fix things. Reason for that being, number 1 - there isn't a whole lot of people to hang around with where I live, the pickings are quite limited and very slim. Reason two being, we play a lot of the same sports on the same team, so can you imagine how uncomfortable this is going to be with this wedge between us, number 3 - other people are going to think it really strange that we aren't friends anymore all of a sudden, and if he has bad things to say about me, most people won't believe him, because I am one of those people that really wouldn't hurt a fly, number 4 - we were invited to his wedding, of which I asked if he didn't want us to go, because we wouldn't if he had changed his mind and wanted to uninvite us, and he said that he absolutely wanted us there, and he is not the type of person to just say that just because. If he didn't want us there, he wouldn't have said so. and number 5 - like I had said, we work together 5 days out of 7 all day long, it makes me extremely uneasy and makes it extremely hard to just forget about it. If this happened before my holidays, I would have been completely fine, as I would have been able to physically remove myself from the situation and get over the fact that I messed up, that we messed up. But, that is impossible for me to do (take more holidays), so I have to just suffer through it until I just don't care anymore.

 

And as for the comments from RecordProducer, trust me, I am leaving him alone, these are just the thoughts that are going on in my head. I haven't talked to him or tried talking to him, if we talk it's him that initiates it with me, I keep it short and to the point, other than that he just ignores me all together. Everything is on his terms. As for the other girl, I really don't care what happened with them or that they are friends, and why would I really? I quite like this girl. I was just making a point, and trying to understand not begging him to be my friend. He had told me the reason for him being able to do that (in a later convo) was because she does not have any affect on him, and I do.

 

Anyway, I suppose that I just sound like a retard for being upset about this, and maybe that is because I am mostly upset at myself for the bad choices that I have made, and my part of the responsibility. And I guess that part of it is that, if the reason he doesn't want to be friends, is because he hates me, and thinks that I am this awful person, when I am not, then that sucks because it is a dig at me and makes me feel like crap. If it is because he likes me and doesn't want to, then I still feel like crap that we can't be friends, but, I understand a little better, and I know that who I am and who I have become over my life is good enough. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

[Guest]

You obviously care about this person a lot. And from what it sounds like, he cares about you a lot too. He just can't be the type of friend that you can be to him right now because of his feelings for you. I think that you should just calm down, quit freaking out, and not see his being distant as a bad thing. He is just very confused and is trying to sort out what he is feeling inside his head and heart. It is nothing against you, as he obviously quite likes you, he just wants to tone it down to that of friendship. My advice would be to just give him his space and quit beating yourself up over this. Mistakes happen all the time and you both need to just take a break from each other so that you can be great friends again, without all of this complication. He will come around, if you just chill out, just keep being you and let him get control of himself. And, keep in mind that it is probably killing him just as much as it is you, to not talk to you, and that is why he does sometimes and doesn't sometimes. Time is of the essence here. Everything gets better with time. Just do your own thing, concentrate on your marriage, be happy, and it will all work out in the end. If you don't it probably will always be sour becase he will start to think of you as a burden, and not someone that can let him get his act together. I think you know what I mean.