different sexual pasts, solutions?

[dancinman5000]

Hello all, here's my question.

 

With my ex-girlfriend I did oral sex + hand stuff(whatever the proper term for that is). She was the first person I ever did sexual stuff with and I wasnt the first for her at all. The fact that she was my first sexual partner but I not hers was very hard for me. Since that relationship I decided that sex is something that should be saved for marriage so that it can be a unique bond between two people. fast forward to today.

 

I'm in a relationship with a girl who is a virgin and she is a great match for me. Not that she and I are going to get married or anything, but I can only wonder hypothetically what it would be like for her or whoever my future wife is (if they are a virgin) when we do finally have sex.

 

I completely regret doing anything sexual before, not to mention even ever having that relationship. I know that going back in time to get my virginity back is not really a possiblity, but I like to think that when I finally do get married, it will be the only sexual experience that I will connect with who I am as a person. My past was a mistake that I learned from and changed from.

 

I can't help but feel unworthy at times of being in a relationship with a difference in sexual pasts. I know first hand all the pain someone can go through, but then again, my girl friend at the time was a terrible person to deal with all those things with.

 

I know most people don't wait to have sex and that most people will just say to not focus on the past. I guess I've just looking for some advice that's a little more objective. Has anyone here been in a similar situation, on either side of the relationship?

[norajane]

Connecting with someone isn't just about the physical act, as you learned with your ex. When you have sex with emotional intimacy between you, it's completely different. It sounds like you haven't felt that yet.

 

How would it be for your virgin bride? That really depends on her frame of mind...and yours. If she or you just can't get past the idea that you had oral sex and hand jobs with someone and you're not completely virginal then it's going to be a miserable experience for both of you. If you both go into it with the belief that what you two do together is an expression of your love and desire for each other, then you will have a good experience which will, over time, grow into an amazingly wonderful sex life.

 

Physically, a girl who is a virgin is likely to have some pain, maybe some bleeding her first time, regardless of whether you were a virgin or not. The more experience you have with intercourse, the more likely you can make it less painful for her, but since you haven't, you might want to read up on it...and go slow and use lots of lube. That won't be the best night of sex of her life by a long shot.

[kulyok]

Has anyone here been in a similar situation, on either side of the relationship?

 

Yes.

 

I'd say, if you feel that strongly - and it is very admirable, let me tell you - do not do anything sexual, until you strongly feel she(your current lady friend, or the other in the long run, perhaps) is the one - and until you get married. Otherwise you'll have heavy, heavy regrets.

 

Especially since your girlfriend is a virgin - if she feels the same way, you have sex and then you part, it will be a huge blow for her, as well(just like you are feeling about your previous sexual experiences, but much, much worse).

 

There is a question of sexual compatibility, of course, and I understand that. But the thing is - you do not need to have sex to know whether you are compatible. Dance with her, kiss her, smell her hair and skin - and if the scent thrills you, if her body feels a part of you in your arms, if long, deep kisses arouse you - then yes, you are totally compatible physically. It's not a case to worry about.

 

At least, that is my opinion. I wouldn't advise this to just anyone(I am trying hard to quit LS, because I _am_ happy in my personal life, it's just stories on this forum are so very addicting!), but since you feel this strongly, I do - I strongly advise you to wait until marriage - and when you do decide to get married, be sure that is what you want.

[dancinman5000]

kulyok, you said you have been in this position. I know its your own business but since this is anonymous were you in my position or the virgin going into marriage?

 

 

btw, I have already decided to wait until marriage to have any form of sex. I think i made a mistake and while i cant make things perfect, I can do the next best thing in my mind which is wait until marriage from now on.

 

 

 

Thank you for both the responses. They were encouraging to read.

[kulyok]

(Fortunately or unfortunately, this is not anonymous: Google and IP tracking - heck, Google alone - can give a pretty good idea of who the person is. I used Google for these very purposes myself. And I am fond of using this nickname, so...)

 

Obviously, I was in position of the virgin girl at some point. And, yes, what happened happened, and there's no point in regretting - but I know it wasn't as right as I wanted it to be, and here and now I would have waited, although I have high sex drive and know how hard abstinence is.

(I am not married nor was.)

 

Today, I would say I am pretty close to your position, gender aside. And, you know,

 

while i cant make things perfect, I can do the next best thing in my mind which is wait until marriage from now on.

 

- these are exactly my thoughts. Of course, it remains to be seen whether I'll be strong enough, especially since marriage won't happen for quite a while... but I have hope.

 

Best of luck to you.