can u spot a potential rapist?

[NightsDarkRose]

first off, i want to say that i know this is a forum for abuse, and i have not been sexually assaulted, but i chose to post this here only because i want to know if i should be concerned of it happening in my situation.

 

I dont know if im just being paranoid or what, thats why i chose to post it where i know i can get honest advice.

 

Ive been involved with this guy at my job..{.hes 37 im 19 he has 4 kids}but its only recently ive started to have my doubts about his...well, i cant say character cause clearly he doesnt have much if hes cheating on his wife, so i guess ill just say im starting to wonder just what hes capable of. i dont want to come off sounding stupid here so im trying to phrase everything carefully.

 

i havent slept with him, and when i first met him i was a virgin [which he knew] but i lost it last month to someone else. when he asked me if i was still a virgin i said no and his first response was " u mean u lied to me?" i was like " no but you and me havent been together in awhile and it was only last month"

 

then he asked me again a couple of days later and i was like no and he was like " i want to be the judge of that"

 

he really wants to sleep with me, and i havent cause something is telling me not too, even though i WANT too, but i havent been leading him on, ive made it clear. hes made these comments that have gotten my alarm bell ticking, but im not sure if its warranted.

 

he gets very passionate while we're kissing, which i love cause im the same way, but lately its been different...hes been much more aggressive and he keeps telling me how i drive him crazy and yada yada...and then he'll say, [a couple of times hes said this already..] " its not my fault you make me crazy, its your fault"

 

and one time i was in office and he was touching my leg and hes like " does it make you nervous when i touch you?"

 

but it was this one comment he made recently that started this whole line of thought in my head...

 

we were in his office and he said to me " if we dont stop right now [kissing or whatever] im gonna rape you right in this office..." but he smiled and i thought he was kidding so i said " no you wont" and he said " of course not, i would never do such a thing..." then he added " but i do really want to sleep with you though"

 

i just want to know if these are legitimate signs that he may be dangerous....lately hes been alot more aggressive and he keeps making little comments about how its my fault blah blah.. all said in this teasing way but im not sure.

 

im not trying to make light of the very real situations that have been discussed here, so please i hope no one thinks im just this stupid kid making something of nothing, but im really concerned and a little worried because im afraid if these are in fact warning signs that he might try something and even though i posted this in another forum, i thought maybe someone here whos had some experience or any MEN reading it may know if these are valid feelings.

 

i apologize though if anyone thinks its the wrong place to post and are offended.

[Bogun]

we were in his office and he said to me " if we dont stop right now [kissing or whatever] im gonna rape you right in this office..." but he smiled and i thought he was kidding so i said " no you wont" and he said " of course not, i would never do such a thing..." then he added " but i do really want to sleep with you though"

 

It doesnt mean that he's a serial rapist, but it says a lot about this guy's respect for women if he jokingly uses the word rape in a conversation.

 

By the way, I'm a guy.

[NightsDarkRose]

thats what i thought too! i found it hard to be convinced he was joking only because i felt that for him to say that it must have crossed his mind at some point, and that fact that he keeps saying i MAKE him crazy and that its my fault...{also in a joking way of course] but then i dont know cause he comes off as soo nice....

 

but your a guy, do u think he might do it? do i have a genuine concern?

 

thats another reason why im a little afraid of breaking it off with him ..what if he gets mad or thinks i lead him on or something if i do? i dont know maybe im just over reacting its not like i have much experience. irs just some of the comments hes making and the sudden aggressiveness are just making me wonder.

[Tony T]

I seriously doubt he's a rapist but you are a fully certifiable tease (no personal attack intended). The guy has clearly expressed a desire to sleep with you...and you make out with him and do everything else short of it....AND...you tell him you lost your virginity with somebody else. GEEZE.

 

Listen up, lady! What you are doing IS a sure fire way to get raped. Perhaps not by this guy because he's got a lot to lose by going to jail. But there are many men who would attack you sexually under similar circumstances and do it for the gratification of the moment without considering the consequences. This world is full of wackos and your mama should have taught you that!

 

STOP teasing this man and get away from him. Start seeing single men and don't take them to the edge unless you mean business.

[NightsDarkRose]

but i havent done anything else with him sexually...i swear all ive done is kiss him...and its not like i planned not to sleep with him, clearly it was on my mind just when it was the right time and place...but that was before he started making those remarks and stuff.

 

and, thats why i havent done anything else with him [like anything oral or whatever] so i DONT lead him on, cause i said to him it would lead to sex that at the moment im not ready for with him [ cause excuse me, but i didnt want to do it in his office in the middle of the workday...maybe its weird, but i would like to be in a slightly better place if i was gonna sleep with somebody]

[NightsDarkRose]

and i didnt just come out and tell him i slept with someone else he asked me point blank and i didnt want to lie to him

[Bogun]

An ex of mine was raped a few years ago, and the guy had said to her that she was a "tease", and all she had been doing was talking and drinking with the guy.

 

Being classed as a tease by a guy, and then saying this is why girls get raped, is putting the blame on the girl, which is not right.

[Brittanyjean06]

This guys is not a rapist. but he is wrong to be messing with someone as young as you are and as unexperienced as you are, don't worry I'm not either...I do respect the fact that you haven't given him your goods yet..honestly I don't know how you resist tempation haha...but its not just the sex you should be worried about but the emotions you are dedicating to this guy who is married. He is just in it for your goods, give them goods to a man who woulden't cheat on his wife.

[lindya]

An ex of mine was raped a few years ago, and the guy had said to her that she was a "tease", and all she had been doing was talking and drinking with the guy.

 

Being classed as a tease by a guy, and then saying this is why girls get raped, is putting the blame on the girl, which is not right.

 

I absolutely agree. If someone were to make provocative comments to another person, that wouldn't excuse the latter physically assaulting them. People have a responsibility to control their behaviour even in the face of what they deem to be provocation.

 

Having said that, I do think the OP is playing a dangerous game. NDR - this guy is in his late 30s. By the time people get to that age, passionate kissing tends to be something that's done as a prelude to sex. You're now in a workplace with adults...not at some teen party where people snog random people just for fun.

 

It's distasteful that this man should be making jokes about rape. All things considered, he sounds like someone you should be steering well clear of except in a strictly professional capacity. Is there any particular reason you can't, or don't want to, do that?

[Adunaphel]

I seriously doubt he's a rapist but you are a fully certifiable tease (no personal attack intended). The guy has clearly expressed a desire to sleep with you...and you make out with him and do everything else short of it....AND...you tell him you lost your virginity with somebody else. GEEZE.

 

Listen up, lady! What you are doing IS a sure fire way to get raped. Perhaps not by this guy because he's got a lot to lose by going to jail. But there are many men who would attack you sexually under similar circumstances and do it for the gratification of the moment without considering the consequences. This world is full of wackos and your mama should have taught you that!

 

STOP teasing this man and get away from him. Start seeing single men and don't take them to the edge unless you mean business.

 

What Tony T said.

 

Do not get me wrong. I do not even *remotely* think that if a woman is raped it is her fault, no matter how much of a tease she is.

But you *are* acting like a tease, even if I think that you do not mean to and are not aware of it.

 

And you are really playing with fire.

 

If you are not interested in having sex with him, stop kissing him, stop acting passionately, stop flirting.

If you are not interested in having sex with him in the immediate future, tell him so.

Actually, it's better if you just stay away from him -run like hell away from him. he is married, he is much older, he is clearly just interested in sex, you work in the same place.

It's like this guy has "t r u o b l e" spelt on his forehead.

 

I don't know if he *could* be capable of raping you, but even if this is not the case, you are up for some emotional disater.

 

Anyway, since you do not know how much self-control this guy has, and you are already unconfortable, do not take any more risks.

 

About his joking

" if we dont stop right now [kissing or whatever] im gonna rape you right in this office..."

,

 

I got that line a number of times from guys whom I know quite well - I always took as a nice, joking way to say "you are turning me on, so please stop teasing unless you are interested in having sex with me in the next 5 minutes". I think most people *can* tell a threat from an innocuous line.

So if the way he said it made you wonder whether he could actually rape someone, and stirred up in your mind worries that he might be abusive, I'd listen to your feelings and stop playing this dangeruos game with him.

[Outcast]

Being classed as a tease by a guy, and then saying this is why girls get raped, is putting the blame on the girl, which is not right.

 

Sort of, but not really. What it is is acknowledging how life is. Sure, in a perfect world you should cross at crosswalks and all vehicles should stop at appropriate times for you, but some don't so you have to keep an eye out.

 

In a perfect world, you could walk in any neighbourhood wearing tons of jewellery and nobody would rob or bother you, but there are neighbourhoods where that would be extremely foolish.

 

In a perfect world, no man would allow himself to rape a woman just because she's kissing him, but this is not a perfect world, there are wierdos and people with big problems out there, and provoking them is as foolish as walking through a field of bulls wearing an outfit made of waving red cloth.

 

You can stand on principle all you like, but the fact is there are some bad people out there and it's wiser to not push their buttons. Yeah, you can take them to court afterwards and certainly you'll win on principle, but you'll also have to deal with the consequences of what happened to you. Because the world we live in is far from perfect.

[typical]

This:

and he said to me " if we dont stop right now [kissing or whatever] im gonna rape you right in this office..

 

Doesnt concern me half as much as this:

i thought he was kidding so i said " no you wont"

 

It has a subtle ring of being "provoked"....pushing someone to see just how far they will really go...and to what extent...I get the strange feeling that you are both playing with some weird erotic fire....

 

No offense, but were you hoping that he would? Just so the blame would be shifted off of you, should you decide you didnt like it as much as you thought you would? So you wouldnt have to feel guilty incase you really did like it? So you could pretend that it didnt count because you didnt officially consent?

 

What would you do if he really did rape you?

 

I am, in NO WAY trying to accuse you of anything at the moment, I am just picking your brain, but I truly want you to examine both sides of this situation before things get WAY out of hand by the both of you and the passionate arduous thing you have going on. Its a potential breeding ground for disaster rife with heavy emotions and consequences....

[NightsDarkRose]

No offense, but were you hoping that he would? Just so the blame would be shifted off of you, should you decide you didnt like it as much as you thought you would? So you wouldnt have to feel guilty incase you really did like it? So you could pretend that it didnt count because you didnt officially consent?

 

 

i hope not, cause that would mean i have severe psychological problems.

i honestly dont even know how to respond to that...im not offended...but if im giving the impression that im asking for it, that wasnt my intention in starting this thread.

 

and just to make things clear...NO, i wasnt hoping that he would.

[Road Rage]

There is no way you are ever going to know if someone has severe dysfunction such as the tendency to rape. They don`t give clues because they hide them.