I'm 27 years old girl and have never had a relationship

[KittyKat27]

I will try to not make this very long. I'm 27 year old girl and have never had a real relationship. I wouldn't say I have no experience - I have dated a lot of guys but never longer than say couple of months (if that). I can't exactly work out what my problem is or even if I do have one - that's why I came here. Obviously, at my age it is considered normal to have had at least one long term relationship and it makes me question myself.

 

I would say I'm a bit above average looking. Not a model/actress but still things could be a lot worse. I do get quite a bit attention from men, but it's always from guys I'm not interested in. I am well educated and have a good job. While I am somewhat shy - I have no problem making conversation (possibly would like to be a bit more witty and funny but hey nobody is perfect!). The only thing that makes me different is that I was quite ill from ages 17-21. Those 4 nightmarish years were spent in and out of hospitals and completly out of normal life (and dating). While the illness has left no visible "scars" either physically or mentally, it has made me somewhat closed off emotionally and it's hard for me to open up. Not many people even know that I was ever sick - not even most of my friends - they didn't know me when I was sick as I have moved countries. I like to keep that part of my life "locked away". Generally I avoid talking about myself and will compensate for that by asking people lots of questions. I have friendships where I literally know everything there is to know about another person while they don't know much about me apart from basics. Whetever or not this is relevant to my dating situation - I'm not sure.

 

I have no problems at all with physical intimacy. I have made out with lots of guys but only slept with one - not that I have problem with sex, it's just that I would prefer it to be with someone I was truly in love with and who was in love with me. But I have had plenty of "almost sex" experiencies (sp?). I would say that 90% of the guys I have dated I had little interest in. I would mostly force myself to go out with them in hope that I will devolop feelings later on - but that never happened. If I have only waited for guys I really liked I would have dated a total of 3 guys in my 27 years.

 

The closest experince to being in love would have been with a guy I have been friends with for 3 years with us hooking up on and off but mainly we were just friends. We could talk for hours about anything and hang out all the time - the closest I felt with anyone, but still even with him I wasn't able to tell him about me being sick. Eventually he found someone else and broke my heart.

 

I haven't been on one date in the past year. This is due to choice as I still keep being asked out but again not by anyone I have any interest in. I have decided that based on my past experiences, I'm not going to date anyone I don't like anymore. I have tried to concetrate on my career and my new job. I bought a nice apartment in the heart of the city. That kept me happy for a while but I still keep feeling empty and lonely. I'm longing for someone that I could love and that will love me but that just isn't happening. Some would call me very picky and in a way I am. Not picky as in I want the hottest guy out there, but picky in terms of finding it hard to find a guy I can open up to and be comfortable with.

 

I'm still not sure if I simply just haven't met the right guy or if I have some sort of undelying psychological issue that prevents me from forming a relationship - possibly a bit of both.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tearful_soul22]

I've read somewhere that issues like this has more to do with fear than with anything else..that the rational brain is always on the lookout for dangers, for complexities, for reasons to act or not act. If every time man and woman met they immediately considered all the possible risks and vulnerabilities they might face in a relationship... they'd run screaming from the room! There's just too many "what-if's" and this can often lead a person into sabotaging a relationship before it even began. I think you just need a little bit more self confidence because i'm sure your potential partner is out there waiting for you! Take care and my best to you!

[shachic]

Hey there...!

 

I am in almost the exact same situation as you. Well..not quite. I have been in 1 long term relationship (that was...6 years ago!). And...I did not go through the illness that you have gone through.

But...I can relate in that..even though I have been on dates with a lot of guys...I never had interest in them. But...I wanted to just have an open mind and open heart..so I went along with it. But..nothing ever developed, b/c I just couldn't get interested.

I haven't really been on a real date in a long time either.....also about a year for me.

I"m a couple years older than you....29. I'll be 30 next year...my biggest fear is that I'll be single (w/ no prospects) when i'm 30. I dunno why its so scary, but it is :-(

I guess its almost like a let down. I had so many dreams of being married by now....and it just hasn't happened.

 

I don't know if there's something about me either. Am I too picky??

Like you...i'm not looking for the hottest guy on the planet. But..I'm looking for someone who is attractive to me, and makes my heart skip a beat when I see him. And someone who shares my morals, and who can hold a conversation with me, and who just enjoys being with me (and that I enjoy being with).

 

I really really like this one guy right now. But....he lives far away, and is just really busy with medical school...so I don't know whats gonna happen :-(

 

I guess i'm just at my wits end, as all my friends are engaged, married, or have boyfriends. I hate being the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel whenever we go out.

I put on a happy face in front of them....but I feel awful inside. Like...there's this perpetual lump inside my throat, b/c I just want to cry, but I know I can't.

 

Anyways....I dunno if you feel like this at all, but I suspect you do.

Just like you....i have a good education (a masters in engineering!), and a good job.

I also bought a condo in the middle of a fairly big city.....it was so bittersweet. When I closed on my house....it was on my 28th birthday.

My parents came up to be there for me and brought my flowers.

I dunno why, but it just made me SO sad. They've always wanted me to get married and THEN buy a house...but they were there for me anyways. Moving into an empty condo was kinda depressing. I do enjoy being a homeowner (despite its headaches..), but I just so wish I could share this experience with someone I love.

 

Anyways...wow, I wrote a novel there. I just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone.

I dunno why I havne't had more relationships...or why 'im so picky. I just want to be happy.....with someone I love.

[Road Rage]

It is the society you live in. This is a dysfunctional society. It only works for maybe the top 20%. The rest have to struugle with the basics of life that are normally assisted by those around them. But this extreme individualism we live in leaves many stranded. Sometimes for a lifetime.

[shachic]

Road Rage....its interesting that you said that.

I guess on one level I know its not me, I guess I just keep comparing myself to those around me.

The society that I live in does have an impact on this. I feel like I'm letting people down. For instance...i have a friend who I haven't talked to in a couple years. She called me outta the blue the other day....and her first question was not.."how are you??'. It was..."So...are you married yet?".

When I said no....she said...."well, why not! get on it girl!".

I know it was half in jest....and I laughed it off. But..inside, it just struck a chord. I hated it.

AFter that, the rest of the conversation I had to play off to my friend that I was the young, hip, single girl....and i was perfectly fine being that way.

(well..inside...i'm not that fine being that way...).

But, i had to defend myself to her anyways. I guess she's not a real friend if she is gonna be judgemental like that, so its not that big of a deal.

But still...you are right. The society we live in expects us to be paired off. If we're not...they think something is wrong with us.

 

I'm a pretty strong person....but years of thinking this way....is just wearing me out now. I feel rotten a lot of the time these days :-(

[Road Rage]

But you are still quite young too. Not by the conventional be married by thirty mindset, but by your entire lifespan in general. The thirties are filled with hope and adventure. Wish I could go there again.

[KittyKat27]

Shachick,

 

Yep I exactly feel the same way. I try to tell myself that I have achieved a lot (and I have), also have Masters degree like you but I just feel so empty. Everybody around me is getting married/engaged and I just don't see how anything apart from few meaningless dates is there for me for in the future.

 

At the moment there is some guy that wants to go out with me. Again I don't like him but am sort of stringing him along, making and canceling dates. I'm trying to talk myself into it, because he is nice, kind, has a good job and not bad looking. But there is no spark there at all and I feel nothing for him.

 

Sometimes I even think that getting married to anyone is better than nothing. It doesn't help that my mum and everybody else is constantly on my back about me still being single. So I'm thinking just find some guy that is not totally repulsive and go for him. But deep down I can't - I want it all.

 

As for psychological issues, I don't think mine are that severe and I know plenty of people with incredibly bigger issues, full blown mental illnesses and they still get married and fall in love.

 

It's almost funny how with work everything is always clicking, I am at the right place at the right time and it's like I can't do no worng. Well with my dating life, it's completly opposite. It's like I have no luck there whatsoever.

 

Well Shachick, at least you had one long term relationship, and because of that you know that it CAN happen. I guess we just have to patient (but for how long damn it?!)

[Kittiecat]

I'm 28 and have only had one long term relationship (it ended a few months ago). And yes, all my friends are married and are now starting families! You ladies are definitely not alone. Nowadays it isn't the end of the world to be 30 and single (or even 40 and single!).

 

Imagine if you get married just for the sake of getting married, because that's what you're "supposed to do" or because you want kids, or because you're in love with a man who is not quite right for you (some of your friends have probably done this and will be divorced in 10 years). Is it worth the pain of going through a divorce? And what if kids are involved?

 

I think it's good to take your time...enjoy your 20s....buy your condos...etc. I know it's frustrating and lonely at times - believe me, I struggle with those feelings every other day. But I try to look at the big picture, and it helps me understand that my life is not like my friends' lives, and I'm obviously going to take a different path, and it will be the right one for me.

[Outcast]

I would say that 90% of the guys I have dated I had little interest in. I would mostly force myself to go out with them in hope that I will devolop feelings later on - but that never happened. If I have only waited for guys I really liked I would have dated a total of 3 guys in my 27 years.

 

Nothing wrong with that. The idea of dating is that you are screening people for a long-term relationship. So if only 3 make it past the first interview stages, so be it.

 

I, too, am looking for a specific set of qualities that aren't found in lots of people. Are found, in fact, in very few. So I don't date people who haven't got them because it's pointless.

 

You do, however, have to quit being so much an enigma with people. Sharing emotional intimacies is one of the crucial elements of building closeness with people - everyone from friends to lovers. You don't have to spill everything about your life to someone right away, but if you spend time together often, then if you remain stony about your own self, the relationship becomes too one-sided and your companions will leave in search of someone who's doing some giving as well as taking.

 

Having said that, I'm a big believer in the internet as a means of finding compatible people, especially if you're not encountering very many people you'd be interested in in your regular circles. Yes, there's oddballs and wierdos on the net but there are also plenty of perfectly good decent people who are also having trouble finding partners in the places they normally frequent.

 

You can be very specific about your criteria and know that at least some people will self-select out of contacting you because they don't meet. Of course, some guys will give you a try anyway so you have to read up on all the precautions you need to take and develop a set of 'screening' criteria that take into account the fact that some people on the net may not be totally honest, but that's no different from meeting people face-to-face - as you'll see from these boards.

 

I'd choose a personals site that allows people to write a fair bit of information about themselves. I have a friend that uses one like that and she won't give any guy a try who hasn't written a reasonably eloquent half-page or so about himself. She's been pretty pleased with the guys she's met because she feels she can weed out a lot of 'definitely not possibles' without having to go on bunches of futile dates.

[Mary3]

One night stands are good for people who want no further contact with you once the deed is done. So they are not going to be interested much in you , your life dreams , meeting your family , ect.

 

But if you are searching for a long term relationship you must look at it from their perspective. They know little or NOTHING about you. Now why would they want to date you exclusively knowing nothing about you. ?

 

Learning to know one another is the one main thing that cultivates a relationship into growing into a long serious one. That can't be done if they know nothing about you. They may think you have something to hide...

[shachic]

I guess you guys are right.....i should be HAPPY. And...one part of me is.

But.. you're also right int hat I feel so incredibly lonely sometimes!!

Yes..i have awesome friends (a few single ones left...but really not many!). I think its more my family. I just see that my parents really want me to be with someone. All my cousins are getting married..(we're a close family)..and I think my parents feel that somehow they are a failure...b/c all their brother&sister's children are getting engaged or are married...while thier own kids are not.

I KNOW this sounds really silly.

However, I come from a culture that is more traditional in its view of marriage, etc. (i'm indian).

People in my community usually get married in mid-late 20's. not many people wait until much later than that.

I dunno what it is with me though...I guess as much as I would like to break out of norm for my culture....I also feel lonely doing it.

I do like being single, and I feel proud to have accomplished what I have by myself.

However....god, i just YEARN for someone to share life wiith.

But...I'm not willing to settle for anyone. I don't go out on many dates anymore, b/c they have all been unsatisfying...and at the end of the date, i just end up feeling even worse than I did before....this sunken-heart-lump-in-the-throat feeling of 'omg...there's yet another guy who I cannot feel anything for....what is wrong with me...??'.

I guess i'm just bummed out that...the one guy that I DO like....is so far away from me, and is going through one of the busiest times of his own life. So...I can't even start a relationship with him - yet he is the one person that I DO want to have a relationship with.

 

I just feel.....cursed. :-( :-( :-(

[quietintrovertgirl]

I wouldn't complain ladies.I'm a 36 year old virgin female and i've never been on one date in my life or been in a relationship.My luck with men is zero.

[KittyKat27]

I feel like my parents, especially my mum are a big factor in this. I personally wouldn't mind that much being single, well I would rather be single than force myself to be with guys I feel nothing for. But my mum is deeply unhappy and feels like a failure that I'm not married with kids. She is not nasty about it, she even puts on a brave face for me but I can see through it. When my cousins (that are all younger tham me) got married I could see her looking at me holding back the tears because I'm still single. When I do question her about it, she tells me she can't help feeling this way but doesn't want to pressure me etc. She has been there for me through my illness and I love her so much, I just want to make her happy. It's gotten to a point where I want to sacrifice my own happiness and be with someone that I don't like so that she can feel better.

 

I come from a European background, and in my country everybody gets married in early to mid 20's. I also have that horrible heavy hearted sinking feeling after a date with yet another guy I'm not interested in. I cry myself to sleep. ((

[Hitman10000]

If you said you were average or below average, I'd probably understand why you don't get a lot of dates. For those women who are average or below average...well I dunno, maybe you have to improve your appearance to attract someone, I'm a 5-6, I know I'd rather date a woman that's a 7-8 than someone equal or lesser than my attractive rating. Maybe for the less attractive girls you can go for the much less attractive guys... fat guys, etc. No offense but the truth is da truth.

 

But since you claimed you were above average in appearance then something's up. Cause typically a girl that is a 6 and above in looks will almost get dates constantly but having an actual relationship is another entire matter where the two of you are mutually satisfied with each other in appearance, personality, and such. Not sure about the "stringing" guy along. As a dude, I know when a chick wants to string me around and I also know when a chick feels for me (the more she nags the more I know she cares about me.) It's good that you only want to have sex with someone you actually like, sex becomes much more pleasant cause I've been in dead-end relationships with people who don't like me that much or I don't like them that much and the sex just seems all mechanical, dead of passion. If I wanted to get off, I'd jerk off by myself! Give it some time, 27 is still young.

[norajane]

Generally I avoid talking about myself and will compensate for that by asking people lots of questions. I have friendships where I literally know everything there is to know about another person while they don't know much about me apart from basics. Whetever or not this is relevant to my dating situation - I'm not sure.

 

YES, this has a lot do with your dating situation. If you don't allow anyone to know you and if you don't open up to them, then they are going to feel the relationship is one sided and you won't ever feel close to them. This is a fear of intimacy and it actively works against you, albeit subconsciously, in terms of forming and developing relationships beyond acquaintance stage.

 

Intimacy and love require sharing and giving of yourself. You're not giving very much to anyone.

 

What is your fear of opening up and talking about yourself? Why don't you want anyone to know you were ill? What do you think would happen if you talked about yourself and answered questions in more depth?

 

People can't be close with someone who isn't close with them. You can only get so far if your dates and friends know very little about who you are on the inside. YOU can't feel anything for them, either, because you aren't putting anything on the line - you are holding everything of yourself back. You only get out what you put into it.

 

You might want to seek some therapy for this if you can't bring yourself to let anyone see who you are.

[Marielle]

Nothing wrong with that. The idea of dating is that you are screening people for a long-term relationship. So if only 3 make it past the first interview stages, so be it.

 

I, too, am looking for a specific set of qualities that aren't found in lots of people. Are found, in fact, in very few. So I don't date people who haven't got them because it's pointless.

 

You do, however, have to quit being so much an enigma with people. Sharing emotional intimacies is one of the crucial elements of building closeness with people - everyone from friends to lovers. You don't have to spill everything about your life to someone right away, but if you spend time together often, then if you remain stony about your own self, the relationship becomes too one-sided and your companions will leave in search of someone who's doing some giving as well as taking.

 

Having said that, I'm a big believer in the internet as a means of finding compatible people, especially if you're not encountering very many people you'd be interested in in your regular circles. Yes, there's oddballs and wierdos on the net but there are also plenty of perfectly good decent people who are also having trouble finding partners in the places they normally frequent.

 

You can be very specific about your criteria and know that at least some people will self-select out of contacting you because they don't meet. Of course, some guys will give you a try anyway so you have to read up on all the precautions you need to take and develop a set of 'screening' criteria that take into account the fact that some people on the net may not be totally honest, but that's no different from meeting people face-to-face - as you'll see from these boards.

 

I'd choose a personals site that allows people to write a fair bit of information about themselves. I have a friend that uses one like that and she won't give any guy a try who hasn't written a reasonably eloquent half-page or so about himself. She's been pretty pleased with the guys she's met because she feels she can weed out a lot of 'definitely not possibles' without having to go on bunches of futile dates.

 

Which website you refer to?

Thanks

[shachic]

KittyKat - Wow....I dont know what to say, but this is EXACTLY my situation too!!! 2 of my cousins are getting married...and my mom feels miserable about it. 1 of those cousins is younger than me...and the other one is only 1 year older than me....our family is very close-knit, so whenever someone gets married, etc...it does affect the rest of us. YOu said you are eastern european...I'm Indian, I guess our cultures are similar in some ways. My mom feels somehow that she did not do a good job raising me, and that is why I am still single. She feels really sad...and sometimes she says that she even feels depressed. I dont know what to do - b/c I dont want to sacrifice my own happiness so that she can be happy...but I feel incredibly guilty.

I just want to be with someone for myself..but at the same time I want her to be happy too.

I am so close to my parents, they are my life...but I just cannot see myself being happy with any random guy - I want someone that I love, and who loves me back..!

 

It makes me so sad when I see my cousins with their significant others. They are so happy.

I wish this would just happen to me :-(

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hey!

 

I want to tell you that you needn't worry about finding a long term boyfriend. Be confident and be yourself. Men like to be the pursuer, not the pursued. Relax and do what is fun for you. The right guy will ask you out - guaranteed.

 

I was 22 when I met my H - and he was my first boyfriend and sexual partner. After I became married, I was approached by more guys than when I was single! It may sound like a cliche, but the truth is, when the time is right, that special person will present himself to you. Until then, work on yourself, physically and mentally.

[katriel]

Reading this forum has actually made me breath a sigh of relief. See, I'm a 27 year old guy who also has a very limited experience with romance and dating. I did have one relationship, about 3 years ago, which lasted about 6 months and was a long distance thing. Now, personally, I think part of my difficulty comes from the fact that I went to an all boys school from the time I was 12 until I got into college at 18, a time period when most people are first learning how to interact with members of the opposite sex. Strangely, like others on here, I am a highly educated person(yes, I too have a Masters degree), so maybe there is something to that as well. It can be very lonely being the single one in your group. I just recently got an invite to the wedding of one of my very best friends, and, while I am really happy for him, I can't help but feel a certain amount of sadness about the event. It gets very distressing when I go out with my friends and all of them are either married or in a long term relationship(more often than not living together). Now, I wouldn't say that I'm the most handsome fellow in the world, as I am a bit overweight(though I have been on a massive diet excercise program for the past year and have lost a lot of weight), but I know men who make me look like Tom Cruise and they have girlfriends. I too have a fairly uncommon set of standards, ones which really are not about a woman's looks, but about who she is as a person. I'm a very outgoing person, and have no problem with talking to women(or men, for that matter) that I don't know. My friends have often commented admirably that, when I find a woman attractive, I almost always talk to her, and almost always leave her with a very positive impression. However, I can't seem to find anyone with whom I truly feel compatible. There is one young lady that I still have a great deal of affection for, a woman that I went to graduate school with, and with whom I felt an immediate connection. Alas, alack, she is far from me right now, and I have not spoken to her since I moved away after graduate school, at which time she was dating a man who was, at one point, a very good friend of mine, until I came to realize what a jerk he was(long before they got together, by the way). But there is no use pining over lost love. My family really doesn't help. My parents have actually commented that they don't expect to have any grandchildren, a comment that really hurts me, especially since my brother says that he doesn't want to have any. All of this can certainly get a guy down in the dumps.

 

Now, I could sit here and keep listing the things that have happened to me in my life, and bemoan how unfair life is, but that really doesn't do me any good. All it does is make me feel worse. See, there comes a point when you have to realize that you can't change the past and you can't change other people. Saying that I have bad luck, or that people are shallow, or whatever other epithet you want to hurl won't make a difference. At a certain point it comes down to me, and I have to say, okay, this is my life, and it's not what I want, so what can I do about it? Now, the fact is, for a long time I had the belief that I was powerless and had to just wait for the luck of the draw, a belief that can be quite comforting. If it's not my fault, I don't have to take responsability for what's happening, I can sit up on a pedastal and blame other people or the universe, but at the same time, that means that I can't change the situation. Lately I've started to take a look at myself, and realized many things that I feel have been largely responsible for my situation. For one thing, I've come to realize that I've been somewhat more of an elitist than I'd like to admit. I mean, I'm a very intelligent, well educated, and creative man(I'm a writer with a forthcoming book of poetry, and was teaching college when I was 26), and I always put myself on a pedastal because of it. Now, in a certain way, this was a protective mechanism. I've always been lacking in confidence, despite my friends telling me that I could be both truly charming and quite funny, a deficit that results largely from my being over-weight, but also due to my having been a bit of a social outcast when I was younger. Now that I've started to look at these things, I have come to realize that it's my beliefs that have been keeping me from finding what I'm looking for. See, if you think that you won't find something, you probably won't, and if you think that you can't find someone that you can love, who will love you back, it can become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, now I'm focused on changing the way I see myself, and am working on developing the belief that I will find that person. I'm not there yet, but if nothing else, it makes me feel a lot better about where I am right now, and if I am going to be single, I'd rather be happy at the same time.

 

All the best,

 

K.